The deafness rang loudly in my ears! You're pain was evident throughout the piece. Heart wrenching actually! The depth was very intense...
I would change absolutely nothing. It spoke the truth and I held my breath for the duration of the poem.
I don't know what, if any rules you were trying to follow, nor does it matter. I typically don't rate work that I'm unfamiliar with the pattern, unless it's someone I know pretty well. But no pattern was needed at all here. Your words spoke volumns!
I've never come across a poem that mattered so much, felt by so many, few knowing, how to say it as you did!
You created a beautiful, heart felt, heart numbing, heart breaking, eye opening, wonderful piece!
I saw this on the reviewing page and just had to check it out since it's one of mine and my son's favorite games!
You did an outstanding job on this! It was mysterious and intriguing!!! The end blew me away.
It was nearly flawless in detail, and you also have a great talent at description and imagery! One I've already confessed to not possessing tonight.
That being said, below is the only thing I'd change. He returned the card to his hand...That's it! Otherwise, I completely enjoyed this piece!
“Professor Plum, with the dagger, in the dining room.” Scarell moved the relevant pieces to the room and sat back, waiting to be informed as to whether her husband had any of those cards. He showed her one, and then returned it to her(should be his?) hand.
You are obviously a detail oriented individual! A talent I severly lack in.
I'm not sure what to say in a review of this type. Your book is already published, so making suggestions wouldn't really be appropriate. At least it would seem.
I look forward to reading more of your work. I'll probably be purchasing the book as well.
It does hold the readers attention very well, though at times, the descriptions seem to a bit over whelming. I kind of glanced over a few of them as I was still picturing the previous image. Perhaps your next novel, you could leave some out? But then again, like I said, it's a talent I lack. So I'm not really the best judge on that.
But the storyline itself, makes the reader want to continue. The hanging on of the 12 years issue really makes the reader want to find out what happened between Karen and her father.
The mysterious writer...But one does wonder, after several months of him coming into the cafe and doing the same thing over and over, that one would just take him his coffee instead of waiting an hour to find that he wanted the same thing he had the day before? Just a thought.
Anyway, I love the way you show mystery. It keeps the reader wanting to know more. That is the way a novel should be.
Shell, this just brought forth so many tears. I think you did an excellent job showing your emotions. You really made me think about how lucky I am that my son is still too young to be part of this war. But, that won't be forever...
I pray that this time out will be brief, and he will once again come home safetly to the love of his family.
Oh, I almost forgot...Below, you might want to change It to I.
They are all so lovely. It was surprised that my heart could hold them with its ragged edges. But love has its way.
*hugs* and prayers,
Gina
PS: I hope you don't mind that I make this a public review. I think it's important for others to understand what many mothers are going through right now!
The inner beauty is all that really counts. Anyone shallow minded and un-able to see that, is not one I'd want in my life anyway...
At least, that's my opinion...
"Beauty is only skin deep". I've always thought that statement to be the biggest farce. Beauty is imbedded deep under the skin. I'm glad that I'm not beautiful in the way that is merely skin deep.
I really liked this one as well. The imagery is outstanding!!!
There was one place I stumbled a bit:
or the evening pleasantly passed
with a rod in hand and the past
Passed and past are used in a very close proximaty, causing the reader to go back to the previous line and re-read. You may want to look at a little re-wording there. But that's up to you.
The only thing that bothers me on this piece is the punctuation again. You use it in some places and not others. I'd just like to see it more uniform throughout the piece.
Usually, I like to see it used on a constant basis. However, this piece is so strong, it wouldn't have to be used at all. That's up to the author.
I'm not real good at rating free verse pieces because I don't really understand the rules. Better yet, lack of them.
Puncutation and capitalzation is a must for me, but not for everyone. Without it, it seems like one big sentence. That being said, I did NOT struggle with THIS piece!
It carried a flood of emotions. Sadness, anger...Yet very much strength at the same time.
My favorite part:
standing outside letting the wind
carry off all those words
trying to think of the future
to a day when my words will flow freely
I think you did an awesome job on this. I'd just like to see you add some punctuation...but that's just me!
What an interesting story. It held my attention from the get go.
I really only saw one little thing that'd I'd change. In the sentence below, I would change the an to a. Other than that, I could find nothing else wrong with your very intruging story.
Many an (obviously male) person in the streets and on TV has taken to labeling those of us who remain here on earth as “the
This is a very intense, and extremely well written story.
While wrestling is not my thing, the imagery that you created held my attention!
The only suggestions I have are trivial. Just a missed word here and there.
You are truly talented at writing short stories. That being said, below are the places that I found needed a word put it. But that's it! I wouldn't change anything else.
They nodded and stood up as their coach turned and walked away. He was short and stocky. His muscles were huge, visible through his shirt. His voice was gruff, and he always reeked of coffee. Wrestling was his passion. He told stories to his team about his father and grandfather and bother brotherand uncles...
“Thanks,” Shane replied. He walked around a row of lockers toward the room the with the scale.You can take out "the" between room and with.
It’s stupid, dangerous, illegal, not to mention immoral. It boosts testosterone. It gives you random anger spells and nobody can control you. Plus they um...” hisI think you left out a word here. moved from Jacob’s face down his body,
Bobby wolfed down his slice of pizza and stood. He walked to a garbage can and dropped the styrofoam tray into the trash, leaving Brian to nibble on his piece. The chatter and laughter around him hurt his ears. His stomach felt heavy and sick. He dropped his pizza onto the foam tray and stared at it. It sat, cooling even more. The smell faded, shut out like the others in the room. Brian stared, a gross ball growing again, I think you left out a word here.the pit of his abdomen.
Brian nodded and walked away, out the archway and into the other gymnasium. The stands were packed tighter than sardines. Relatives, friends, and girlfriend’s sat chanting, whistling, clapping, and yelling...
“Come on,” said Brian heas approached his friend.
And in the very last paragraph, you have mine. It just needs changed to mind. I didn't want to copy the paragragh here and give up your story.
Please let me start by saying: This is an outstanding and awesome piece! You're emotions are clear and wonderful! I totally loved it, and the way you say it.
That being said, I do have a few points that I hope will help.
In the third line: "flawless with absolute integrity and commitment committment" Just lose one t and you have it.
The next line has a couple things to address. Both Thesaurus and spell check say "dovy" is not a word. But! The way you use it, it's a clear understanding of what you mean. (Poetic justice) However, "those pair of glasses" should be: those glasses. Or, that pair of glasses. Those, pair, and glasses are all plural.
"Though hiding a set of dovy eyes behind those pair of glasses"
"months metamorphosised into years"
Again, thesaurus and spell check say "metamorphosised" isn't a word. Yet, the Poetic Justice plays rule. I knew exactly what you were saying!
"untainted,your picture remains in my heart" Just put a space between the comma and your. Same thing between "distance,self"
I can't wait to read more of your work. You're obviously very talented.
Write on, and please let me know if I can help further in any of your endeavors at Writing.com.
What a beautiful and touching story! I found my eyes misty as I reached the next to last paragraph.
I did however, stumble through parts, due to punctuation. There are a several run on sentences. For instance:
There I was fresh out of College with a world of opportunities, not for what most are thinking, I am a health care aide not a glamorous Job, true. But one with a little power, I am able to bring a little joy into someone’s life.
It might read better as:
There I was fresh out of college with a world of opportunities. Not for what most are thinking, I'm a health care aide. Not a glamorous job, true, but one with a little power. I'm able to bring a little joy into someone's life.
The words college and job don't need to be capitalized because they aren't proper names.
Anyway, I'd just go through it with a fine tooth comb and see where you are able to use periods instead of comma's.
I enjoyed your story very much! I'd be happy to help further if you'd like.
While I really like what you have to say here, I had a bit of a problem getting into the flow.
Typically, if you're going to use rythem its better to stick with a flow and meter that makes the poem flow better.
For instance:
Earth condemns a village at a time,
eviction notice carried to the door
on water, wind, or dirt -- or these combined --
by Keeper of the atmosphere and shore.
In the first several stanzas, you use an AB AB flow. But at the end of the poem, you change it to an AA flow. Also, in poetry, the first letter in each stanza should be capitalized.
Anyway, I truly like the words themselves. Your imagery is clear to the reader.
I hope you write a lot more, I enjoy what you have to say.
This is a very touching story, one that was obviously written from the heart!
The seperating of paragraphs helps the story to flow better and read easier. Much improvement already! That's awesome. You're getting the hang of it quickly.
I didn't berate you on the comma's and punctuation, because I see improvement in this piece. Also because you told me you were working on it.
I really enjoyed reading this. I think you have a lot of talent and will go far. Keep writing.
Please let me know if I can do anything else to help.
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