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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/gothicmemories
Review Requests: OFF
49 Public Reviews Given
75 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
For fiction pieces, I focus mostly on the feel of the story itself (setting and characters), but I do express my thoughts on grammar and spelling. It really depends on the style of the piece, because Gothic fiction is written differently than, say, Thrillers. For poetry, I look for beauty, grace, word choice, and how well the piece flows off the tongue. All in all, I choose to focus on the imagery in any and every piece I review. As for ratings, I will fully explain my star rating in my individual reviews of pieces.
I'm good at...
Feeling the flow of a piece of fiction or poetry; if something doesn't flow, it doesn't work. There has to be a balance of setting and characters, of course, for a plot to truly flow well.
Favorite Genres
Gothic Fiction (romance, horror, etc)
Least Favorite Genres
Mysteries.
Favorite Item Types
Books
Least Favorite Item Types
NA
I will not review...
There is nothing I won't review, I will put my all into whatever comes my way, and do everything in my power to give you the best review I am able to.
Public Reviews
1
1
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Alright, so the first thing I noticed was the way this was written. In ways it reminds me of Tolkien and Martin, very wordy and descriptive. But the more I read, the less I enjoyed it because you missed key words in sentences.

For example "... Cadoc fell to knees..." I stumbled over this sentence because my brain kept putting HIS before knees. I understand that you may have written this way for a reason, but it is really jarring when someone reads it. It feels incomplete. It is a distinct way of writing though, but I am not sure it is the sort of distinct that will bring people rushing to read your work.

I truly enjoyed the story though. I do feel like you could have drawn the battle out a bit more, put some more descriptive movements and feelings into it. It seemed a bit rushed.

I think you really have something here, something that you could turn into an entire tale, not just a short story.

I hope you keep writing!!
2
2
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Interesting concept. Wish there was more backstory to who Ray was, previous kills, that sort of thing.

I do have to say that your grammar and punctuation need a lot of work. It was hard to follow what was being said, what was being thought, and who was saying what.

This reads like a stream on consciousness writing, which is fantastic, but it needs to be edited.

Good job and keep writing!
3
3
Rated: E | (5.0)
Please note that I deeply appreciate you sharing your writing with us, regardless of my comments or ratings of the piece. This review is purely my opinion only, and you can take the suggestions or leave them because you have the final say as it is your work. Write on!

This was a lovely piece to read, and though I am not a big fan of rhyming poetry, I did enjoy how well you wrote it and how it flowed. You did a lovely job with the imagery and the emotion behind your words. Wonderful work!
4
4
Review of Dog  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Compelling. The amount of emotions that can be conveyed in a single word is wonderful! I'm pretty sure this was meant as a joke or something of the sort, but seriously. Dog is Man's best friend, so the single word 'dog' holds a lot of meaning. Understanding, friendship, companionship, laughs, comfort--everything you wish to have in life all housed in a furry bodied creature, wagging its tail and giving you kisses (even when you don't want them). Epic piece.
5
5
Review of Paint  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Short but sweet, and carried a lot of emotional weight. I felt it, I felt the love and the creativity in this piece. Though I cannot fathom to assume your inspiration here, it is clear that it was something massive, something that deserved being immortalised forever in words. Wonderful work. I love poetic prose, and you did well in capturing the spirit of the style.
6
6
Review of Who she was  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Bravo, darlin! This was an amazing poem! I connected deeply with the words, the visuals you provided--I've been there, feeling all of these things, being told all of these things. I have been brought down, not only by those around (including my family and people I considered my closest friends), but hope truly does glimmer and blossom, once you tune out the negativity of those around you. Your poem exemplifies the saying "Surround yourself with people who will build you up." Again, wonderful work. Write on!
7
7
Review of Non-Western  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was heavy but lovely. I enjoyed the imagery and your style, and the poem itself read rather well both in my mind and aloud. Particularly, I liked the way this poem hits on the modernization of civilisations and tribes and cultures that have, for time immemorable, been on this planet, but that our modern world has barely touched until now. Overall, you produced a wonderful piece of art and I am grateful that it is out in the world for people to read, because it truly does capture some deep feelings and thoughts.
8
8
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


I found your story on Please Review. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall Impression: Interesting concept, and I enjoyed the execution of the idea. It felt rather steampunk inspired, what with the technology and then the bowler hat and style of speech. As a preview, it works well, but I definitely feel that this piece was a bit rushed; there could have been more information, more explanation of who, what, when, where, why, and how (I am glad this is only a snippet of a longer story!) I am really interested in reading the rest of the story. You hooked me on it, and it isn't even my genre preference!


*Check2* Plot: As a preview, I didn't expect there to be much of the plot revealed, but you did well to introduce the larger body of work.


*Check2* Style and Voice: A lot of big words! I actually enjoyed your style, it was descriptive but not in such a way as to remove my ability to imagine the scene.


*Check2* Scene/Setting: Steampunk dystopian feel to it. I haven't seen a lot of that recently, or ever, and your descriptions set a rather concerning tone. I definitely feel like there could have been more setting, but again I assume there is more of that in the longer story.


*Check2* Characters: I didn't really feel connected to Damien. He was just sort of dropped into my lap--I was much more interested in the setting and even the orb. Perhaps provide a bit of explanation for Damien Black and his purpose. Who is he? Why is he being hunted? What exactly did he do? (If you cover these things in the full story, perhaps look into the places where you added this info in and see if you can rearrange some things.)


*Check2* Dialog: So Victorian. It made me smile so much. You did well with the dialog.



*Check2* Suggestions: I am a thesaurus junkie, but some of the words you used are a bit too much, in my opinion. Most readers don't want to have to open a dictionary every couple of words or sentences. I am not saying to remove them or change them, but take into consideration the level of knowledge and comprehension of your average reader.


Thank you for sharing your story. Write On!

Please remember that this is only my opinion and that I am not an expert, just another writer *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
First of all, I love the concept. Mental Walkie-Talkies? That is definitely a twist on telepathic communication. I think you did rather well with conveying the pros, as well as the cons, of the concept--especially amongst teenagers. As teens, we want so badly to always be connected with our friends, but we rarely think about the consequences that such a 'dream come true' really has. Great job!

I did find a few technical errors (but hey, that's why even the bestsellers need an editor, lol). They can all be corrected without much change to the story itself.

The first problem area I found was that your tense changed randomly throughout the story. It is best to write in a single tense, either past present or future (most common are past and present). If you want further explanation on this, don't hesitate to email me and I'll point on specific areas in your work that have this issue.

Second issue I found was capitalisation. Easily fixed with a quick round of Spell Check, either in your choice word processor program or online. Along these lines is indentation, which generally makes a piece easier to read.

Based on your genre, you may want to refrain from using such expletives as 'cunt'--this is a very harsh word, and though I know that, realistically, people of all ages think and say it, it is still a very taboo word in most circles, and since you are writing for teens (I assume), you may want to rethink using too many expletives at all.

Before I leave you, I would like to explain my Star Rating. I did give a 3.5 rating based entirely on the errors I found (if there had been little to no technical errors, I would have given it 5 stars). It is a great concept and, as I said earlier, you definitely have something here that, with a bit of fine-tuning, will turn into something amazing.

Wonderful job, and I cannot wait to read more from you!

Write on!
Tori Chaney

Please remember that this is only my opinion and that I am not an expert, just another writer *Heart*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Family Tree  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall, I enjoyed the theme of the poem, and I did like the use of 'tis' and 'hath'--I love that sort of language!

Family can be the source of our happiness or our sadness, and sometimes it can be both all at once. I felt that happiness, of being a part of something and of being loved, but I also felt a bit sadness in your words.

It didn't flow quite as well as I had hoped it would, it was a bit choppy, but perhaps that was your intent. Poetry is a very personal form of writing, no poet is the same, and your style is unique! My best advice, as always, is to just continue writing, regardless of reviews and comments--please remember that this is only my opinion and that I am not an expert, just another writer *Heart*




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I could feel the emotion from the first sentence. It was palpable, I could feel the weight of sadness once the characters broke it off. I could feel the heartbreak and the desolation after the break up, and the excitement when the phone message is received. It was a wonderful piece, great job. Keep writing!
12
12
Review of Dead Steps  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hilarious! Well written, and in my opinion in the spirit of Poe! Even though I do not like rhyming poetry, I am a big fan of Poe and love the way your wrote this. :) My favorite part:

At home now I shall lay to rest
My action and its meaning.
Laying back I come to find
There are footprints on my ceiling...


No issues with grammar or anything, and no further suggestions.
13
13
Review of Love is not  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Please note that I deeply appreciate you sharing your writing with us, regardless of my comments or ratings of the piece. This review is purely my opinion only, and you can take the suggestions or leave them, because you have the final say as it is your work. Write on!


*Check*Overall Impression/Emotional Impact/Favorite Part:
It was adequately written; I say this because it did not flow very well; however, the topic of the poem was well handled. Definitely defines what love is. My favorite part:

Love is not
Destiny
The bloody blades of
Capulet’s and Montague’s
Notwithstanding.


*Check*Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
As previously stated, didn't flow too well however, because I am not too fond of rhymes, well done with with that!

*Check*Artistic Voice and Imagery:
You defined love well, made me see what it was and was not.

*Check*Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
n/a

*Check*Suggestions:
n/a aside from write on!

14
14
Review of Soul Mates  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Please note that I deeply appreciate you sharing your writing with us, regardless of my comments or ratings of the piece. This review is purely my opinion only, and you can take the suggestions or leave them, because you have the final say as it is your work. Write on!


*Check*Overall Impression/Emotional Impact/Favorite Part:
Absolutely amazing! Loved it! Conveyed the differences between the two elements in astrology well. My favorite part:


Fire and air
Dangerous - sure
Rewarding - unbelievably
Unending dichotomy balanced
On the fulcrum of love.
Fire and air
Old and young
Soul mates.



*Check*Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
Well formed, flowed nicely, and love the rhyme-lessness of it.

*Check*Artistic Voice and Imagery:
Portrayed both Air and Fire well, describing their overall aspects in a very artistic way. Good use of visualization.

*Check*Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
N/A

*Check*Suggestions:
N/A aside from write on!

15
15
Review of Trusting Them  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall, well written. Though I am not fond of rhymes, you did well in choosing them. I like the flow of the poem. Short and sweet, it conveyed the unsureness and I honestly felt some confusion there too. No grammar errors, and no further suggestions aside from WRITE ON. :)
16
16
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Those are very interesting - you reinterpreted them for sadness? I am not sure I understand how you did this. Personally, I do not believe they fit together as a whole; they do not flow well in the way they were written, in my opinion, however each proverbs topic fit well with the next - it's just the way they were written that does not fit/flow well. Hope you do more of these, so I can see more work like this and hopefully find one that does flow well. Write on!
17
17
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very emotional piece, you captured the fear and emotions very well, and also made the scenery pop. I liked your choice of descriptions and how you made such a sad topic beautiful. The form is well done, and I like the fact that there is no blatant rhyming - the poem flows very well. No suggestions, you did well. Write on!
18
18
Review of Steve Begins  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Please note that I deeply appreciate you sharing your writing with us, regardless of my comments or ratings of the piece. This review is purely my opinion only, and you can take the suggestions or leave them, because you have the final say as it is your work. Write on!


*Check*Overview/Overall Impression:
Is this about Steve Jobs?? Haha, funny if it is. I liked the concept, however I saw you skipping between past and present tense - have someone proof read your work, even if you already did. Two sets of eyes are better than one most of the time. Over all well written, great job!

*Check*Plot:
Interesting plot; it's something some parents actually have to deal with, and I think you did well in writing the story.


*Check*Characters:
Character building could have been a little more detailed, however I understand in a short story that can be difficult.

*Check*Grammar and Spelling: Past and present tense skipping needs to be fixed, however much of the story was written well.


*Check*Suggestions:
I suggest you have someone proof your work, even if you proof it yourself. Often, I read things out loud and if something doesn't sound right I change it and reread it.

19
19
for entry "The Speech
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Please note that I deeply appreciate you sharing your writing with us, regardless of my comments or ratings of the piece. This review is purely my opinion only, and you can take the suggestions or leave them, because you have the final say as it is your work. Write on!


*Check*Overview/Overall Impression:
Great job comparing Dick to Hitler! Good comparisons and use of historical knowledge. You did well in describing this.

*Check*Plot Thus Far:
Still working with a good plot, and it is building well.

*Check*Characters:
With the comparison between Dick and Hitler, you added a realism to Dick that was lacking before. Great job! Jimmy is also coming along nicely.

*Check*Grammar and Spelling:
Work on dialogue please, and general paragraph structure.


*Check*Suggestions:
Continue with good character building and see if someone will proof read this for you.


20
20
for entry "Royal Albert Hall
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Please note that I deeply appreciate you sharing your writing with us, regardless of my comments or ratings of the piece. This review is purely my opinion only, and you can take the suggestions or leave them, because you have the final say as it is your work. Write on!


*Check*Overview/Overall Impression:
How does Jimmy afford living at The Ritz? I assume it is The Ritz London, yes? Perhaps say that Even though Jimmy was staying in one of the most classy hotels in a city known for its shopping, dining and theater, he still insisted on playing low quality video games... - I wish there were more descriptions in this story; I believe it would bring the whole thing together nicely. Great use of research, and hilarious dialogue about bad parents. However, currently there is a Queen presiding over England, not a King - if this takes place in the future, state what year and who the King is. Hilarious concept for a Star Trek movie!

*Check*Plot Thus Far:
Still good plot building. Great job!

*Check*Characters:
Jimmy is getting a little more realistic, and so is Dick. I can totally see the frustration and the war between the two characters.

*Check*Grammar and Spelling:
Still need to work on your dialogue and paragraph construction.

*Check*Suggestions:
Keep up the slow, but steady, character building and think about having the whole story proof read.


21
21
for entry "The Resistance
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Please note that I deeply appreciate you sharing your writing with us, regardless of my comments or ratings of the piece. This review is purely my opinion only, and you can take the suggestions or leave them, because you have the final say as it is your work. Write on!


*Check*Overview/Overall Impression:
Overall, the plot is building well, your character building is getting a little better; however the grammar issue is still a big one. Good use of words, but think about using a thesaurus for the word malign - perhaps abuse, assail, assault, bash, berate, beset, blast, blister, bust, charge, come at, criticize, encounter, have at, impugn, invade, lambaste, lay into, maltreat, molest, revile, set upon, trash*, vilify, work over thesaurus.com  . Just a thought though. I actually laughed at the end of this chapter, when we find out that, even though Dick had someone sent to assasinate Jimmy, he was arrested for trying to sneak a gun on a plane. Hilarious! Gives a bit more of a human quality to the characters, however, think of making mention on how frustrating that would be for Dick.


*Check*Plot Thus Far:
Good plot building, keep up the good work!

*Check*Characters:
I see a little bit more character building for Dick with each chapter I read, however it still isn't enough to make him realistic. Guido is a cool character, but he needs a little more depth.


*Check*Grammar and Spelling: Proof reading is a big thing!


*Check*Suggestions: Continue with building the characters, I can see more and more with each chapter I read. Proof reading is a big one!


22
22
for entry "Jimmy Tonka
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Please note that I deeply appreciate you sharing your writing with us, regardless of my comments or ratings of the piece. This review is purely my opinion only, and you can take the suggestions or leave them, because you have the final say as it is your work. Write on!


*Check*Overview/Overall Impression: Wow, great use of history, and great researching! Overall, the plot is still going strong and well thought out, but still, I have an issue with the way you write your dialogue - your formatting is usually used for internet conversations, like chats, IM's or even text messages. If you were to write your dialogue like this:

Bob sat down on Jimmy's couch and stared out the window. Finally, he said "Jimmy, I cannot believe that video games are becoming illegal because of something that a perverted teacher did. How could a teacher be so terrible?"

"Hey, Chaireman Mao was a schoolteacher." Jimmy retorted.


Personally, I think the above form of dialogue is better for writing because it not only tells you WHO is speaking, but gives you the ability to describe the scene.


*Check*Plot Thus Far:
Still a great plot!


*Check*Characters:
Better character building - Jimmy is the best built character I have read about thus far in your story. But still, Jimmy and Bob need more building - how do they look, what do they wear? Do either of them speak with an accent?


*Check*Grammar and Spelling: Please, either proof read this yourself or get someone to proof read this book for you - it can't hurt.


*Check*Suggestions: I still suggest working on character building, however it seems you are getting better the further I read into the story. My other suggestion is proof reading.


23
23
for entry "Guido Santelli
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Please note that I deeply appreciate you sharing your writing with us, regardless of my comments or ratings of the piece. This review is purely my opinion only, and you can take the suggestions or leave them, because you have the final say as it is your work. Write on!


*Check*Overview/Overall Impression:
Great description of how making video games illegal changed crime and made it worse. Overall, I like how this is turning out, aside from the areas of improvement.


*Check*Plot Thus Far:
Still a great plot and concept idea! Great job describing how Chicago changed due to the laws - definitely a good plot piece. How did other cities change due to the law? How did crime rate rise in other cities?


*Check*Characters:
You did a good job describing Guido's over all character, but still, to make him more realistic you should consider writing about his appearance.

*Check*Grammar and Spelling:
Still with the grammar and dialogue issues, consider looking for some activities that could help you improve on these.


*Check*Suggestions: Character building and proof reading.


24
24
for entry "Anti Video Game Laws
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Please note that I deeply appreciate you sharing your writing with us, regardless of my comments or ratings of the piece. This review is purely my opinion only, and you can take the suggestions or leave them, because you have the final say as it is your work. Write on!


*Check*Overview/Overall Impression: Still with the grammatical errors and weak characters. You really need to pay attention to how things are written when it comes to dialogue - I couldn't tell who was talking unless you mentioned it. Though I understand that Manson may have played video games, it is unlikely he would have played something as violent as, say, Call of Duty - they just didnt have those games back then, aside from Spacewars and the radar game. Also, mentioning My Lai is not a good example, because when you are a soldier in the military, your JOB is to do what you are told - you don't do it because you play video games, you do it because your commanding officer says so.


*Check*Plot Thus Far: Good plot building, very interesting.


*Check*Characters: Still, very weak characters here. There is hardly any description of anyone or anything - what are the rooms like, the weather; hell, what did Dick have for lunch? You should seriously consider making your characters more realistic.


*Check*Grammar and Spelling: Again I suggest having someone edit your work before you post it.


*Check*Suggestions: Character building and proof-reading of the piece.


25
25
for entry "The Affair
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Please note that I deeply appreciate you sharing your writing with us, regardless of my comments or ratings of the piece. This review is purely my opinion only, and you can take the suggestions or leave them, because you have the final say as it is your work. Write on!


*Check*Overview/Overall Impression:
... Interesting concept, however there were some serious mistakes throughout this first chapter that need to be understood. You didn't write this very well, both overall and in the erotic sense. I hope this is just a rough draft.

*Check*Plot Thus Far:
As stated before, interesting concept, and an interesting way to let the reader know what the plot is going to be. Even if I had not read the synopsis of the story, I could have figured that, with the teacher blaming a video game for his actions, video games would be banned. However, not sure how well the teacher having an affair with a 16 year old will go over with the average audience. Your writing style feels rushed and cramped. Try describing more, explaining more - it'll work out.

*Check*Characters:
The teacher is so dry and boring. You didn't much give him depth and honestly, you could have gone more into his character and the character of Chelsea - nerdy though sexy is a sort of boring description - go into their physical characteristics more, describe hair, eyes, clothing, something to make them more real.

*Check*Grammar and Spelling:
Honestly, you really need to pay attention to your grammar. As well as the fact that first, you call the teenager "Chelsea", then call her "Cindy", then revert back to "Chelsea" - choose one name, and try to remember it. If you cant, double check in previously written portions what the characters name is.

*Check*Suggestions:
Check, double check, even triple check your grammar - if you feel it's alright, have a friend check it or ask for someone here on WDC to check it. Build your characters more - I understand this is only the first chapter, but I can't even envision what the characters mentioned would look like.

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