I am reviewing your "Not as Things Seem" . These are my observations about your work.
"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."
General Comments & Reader Reaction First off if there is any grammar issues, the reader didn't find them. Nor did my editor mode either, however your description really needs work and it needs to be a hook. Your starting hook to grab the reader isn't working. I realize it was a good idea, but you spent too much time on description. If you started it with the argument as all action is a huge draw for readers. You started to build reader attention with the argument. Then you left us with the cliff hanger of who is this guy Alex bumped into.
Plot & Pace As a starting point for figuring out plot is we read the title and the description then look for the bits and pieces in each chapter. On book chapters sometimes they don't contain plot clues especially the first three. Mostly they are used to fill in the back ground. Now two points I think you need to know. 1. Your title has to be a hook for the book not one chapter. 2. Don't use the description for one chapter. Use it as a hook for the book. Every chapter would have the same description. When agents or publishers scan the sight for new work to print those are the only two chances you get for them to read your work. The Pace is a different story it read well and fast. You had no grammar errors to stop the reader you did an excellent job with the pace for this chapter.
Characters Daddy, Henry, and Alex so far are who you have introduced the reader to. You have built Alex up more then the other two. Since your using third person restricted right now. Daddy is a rich powerful man with secrets. Henry is a male chauvinistic pig. Alex seems like a nice pampered daddy's girl. This is what the reader sees. The interesting thing is you have the whole rest of the book to develop them out in. My point here is so far we know that Alex isn't a follower She detests even the thought of it.
Setting & Imagery Setting at fist we don't have a clue where we are. Just some party with drinking and the building fight with Alex and Henry. We don't figure it out until the end when Alex goes to her room. At the beginning if you would add the party at home idea to us it makes transitions to the party setting more easier then trying to figure out who, what, where, and when. You know I really don't see most modern day women reacting like Alex did until you pointed to us the fact her boy friend and father had no faith in her. Now your imagery makes sense. A trick here is to place yourself into your character and describe her feelings in more of a show me not tell me situation. For instance you could use Henry to show them to the reader. Example: Henry watched as his last statement wrinkled up Alex's soft blue eyes and from that expression he felt in his gut he had crossed the boundary with her. My other point here is to the reader Alex is just a young woman no hair color, no eye color, is she beautiful, ugly, fat, slim, tall, or short? She is not something the reader can grasp yet and like or love. You need to use your characters eyes to show us the characters that are going to play major rolls in your story. After all that is what makes up a great story. This is the best way to set up your imagery on your scenes you did the airport scene just fine. A suggestion would be to use both Alex and Henry to describe the house and each other as well as daddy. That way the reader can bond with them and it really build up better reader attraction to the rest of the book.
Themes So far the main theme the reader sees is woman's lib. Now understand that the theme will change per chapter and there can be more then one theme. To make it work you need to figure out what the books theme is that you want. Then in every chapter you place something a character does or says that keeps the main theme alive. I looked at your genre choices and they only tell me it is fan fiction. That's cool but of what? Mystery, romance, or religious? In some genre the story is the theme like sci-fi or Horror. But in others like religion you have to keep showing the faith in God in every chapter or you loose the underlying theme. If your theme is love of god. I wrote in one of my sci-fi thrillers that the humans worshiped a computer named God and once he figured it out he stopped talking to the humans. I do poke fun at religion. After all God does have a sense of humor, he created us.
Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere The emotions were mostly Alex she was upset over Henry's attitude of her and also that of her father. Henry had that smug emotion I know more then you do so pay attention to my roar. The mood was set very well we don't know the mood of the party or of daddy as he was just a glance. The atmosphere was there is a storm brewing by the name of Alex. I'm just showing you what both the writer and the reader see in this first chapter. It's not really bad nor is it great it is just a start of your book. It does have some good components in it to keep reader attention
Structure & Consistency You did really well in the story structure. The scenes need a little tweaking but they still are workable but not rich in details yet.
Writing Style & Grammar
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!)
Favorite Lines “That’s where you’re wrong.” He smiled. “He has as much as told me what I’ve just shared with you.” Before she could answer, he leaned over to whisper into her ear, “And, once I finally get into those pants of yours…” His implied meaning made her want to gag. For the first time since she’d known him, she was grateful she hadn’t given into his advances. Her rage made her want to deck him right where he stood. “You’ll be grateful I’m the one in charge.” I like this part of how your showing Henry's pig side to Alex.
Overall Impression & Conclusion: I know I showed you a lot of what both my reader and writer found that could help you out. I still feel like you do. The only way I can improve my writing is by someone being honest and pointing out my mistakes. I hate vagueness like "I couldn't finish it because of all the grammar errors." To me that is a cop out on doing the work of reviewing. If I have found any errors I point them out with suggestions just as I would want it done for me. What I really think about your chapter is this. It is a great start. The flashing back at the airport doesn't really work as a hook for me. (Please remember I'm only one person or reader so take this with a grain of salt.) The rest of the story went well it was a quick read it wasn't boring, and the further I got in it, the more I did want to keep turning the page to read more. It could use some filler to introduce us to the main story line characters is all I see lacking. The rest really is fine you did a pretty good job on this all in all.
Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book Whatever another person says -- especially me -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book.
Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!
You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll , Dawg, And Dragon Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, Blog City, And Art of Criticism.
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