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Review Requests: OFF
459 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I like to give a fair honest review on anything. I believe in giving every review a custom review and not a cookie cutter. I will point out all the mistakes as well as offer or show help to fix it.
I'm good at...
In depth reviews. I check flow, some grammar if it pulls the reader out of the story. I also check consistency, characters are they real, believable, or fake. I check your plot, theme, and look for flaws. I enjoy both tell and show having grown up reading tell all my life. I will help with ideas on what could make the story or chapter better.
Favorite Genres
I love comedy, sci-fi, fantasy, mysteries, and horror.
Least Favorite Genres
poetry
Favorite Item Types
Short stories
Least Favorite Item Types
poetry
I will not review...
Bad poetry because I really don't know enough to help them fix it. Besides I really wouldn't know good poetry from bad. With all the different styles and structures what might not be bad at all. To me would be so rather then stick foot in mouth and chew vigorously. I would tell you the truth and say I suck at poetry and not disappoint one of the great people here on WDC.
Public Reviews
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26
26
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Xavier Kobel
I am reviewing your "The Dark One Cometh Prologue. These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction Ok lets start with the title. "The Dark One Cometh" is a great title and it meets everything criteria for reader attraction. However, no one likes prologue especially publishers so drop it. Make this the first chapter and then have the Dark One alluding to it in the second chapter. Now your description works great for a short story ie the prologue. What you need is one that covers what the Dark One that cometh is coming for and or what the aftermath is. Remember you get four shots to draw interest to your book, the title, The description, the book cover, and the first sentence. What you show as a prologue should be the first chapter showing what happened and where our Dark One came from. It is important to the story and the plot. There are a few places you can embellish more to fill it in and add more reader interest to it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace From your description the prologue was a short story. It meets the needs of a short story. That is why I recommend you change the description. You had your build up, you have a climax and a cooling off period short, but still there. For the most part, it reads well as a short story. It does need better reader attraction. As a suggestion I recommend you build up and flesh out your characters. Especially the couple that will bring the Dark One into the world. You see as part of a plot twist you build up unimportant characters to keep things interesting and to allow for surprises like if the Dark One murders both of them. In fact, that could make one heck of a second chapter. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters As in most short stories you didn't do much to develop them which since it was a prologue is okay. But this is a book and the reader wants to meet the important characters in the first and second chapters this is why most people don't like prologues. They can confuse the reader a lot. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery
It was as if the end had come, a generation decimated. Everyone (leader and losers alike) had been affected, if not by personal loss, then by acquaintance. <--- I understand what your trying to say here but for people who life has dragged down and they read your (leader and losers)they will not read any further. I highly recommend you don't make it about peoples feeling as much as a condition. as a suggestion so you understand what I am meaning. "(rich and poor)." You're still showing the same thing that you are basing it on. You are using conditions and not feelings. Somedays we feel like leaders as well as losers so you're not really giving a good reference. Some people may take offense so stay with traditional things that people can identify with. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes It is too early yet to get a handle on the theme of the story. However, you are setting the stage with a feeling of dread. so far the theme of the prologue is dread. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere Your building up the sadness of a horrible loss of life and of children. Which is setting the stage of a Horror, Sci-Fi genre. The mood in this is dark and forboding good job on this. The atmosphere is that of dread the reader is wondering who or what is the Dark One? Is he going to finish the job the meteoroid started? Is he evil and mankind's destroyer? *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency One thing I noticed that I had to stop doing in my dialog and that is breaking up each sentence with quotes. it confuses the reader because now we have to stop reading and figure out that the author wants us to see. The truth is you only need one set of quotes per paragraph of dialog. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar
"Is everything ok?" A steady silence causes him to check if the cell has lost signal.("} Sweetie, have I lost you?" <--- Missing quote mark. Your style is good and you can paint quite a scene. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: Overall, I would read this book if you wrote it. I know you are doing it right and you are open and looking for good ideas. I believe you have quite a plot for one really good horror story in the sci-fi genre. I think it has great possibilities. It is creative and different. You have a new and different take here. I would love to read it and help you by reviewing your next chapters. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this chapter! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll, Dawg, and Dragon Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, Blog City, And Scissor Lizard reviewer with the Art of Criticism.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
27
27
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear BlueMoon
I am reviewing your "When life throws you adventure as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Gang Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions Let's discuss your title and description. First as I scanned your port for something to review this was what caught my eye. The title is interesting and inviting to my reader part. Next the description is enticing and inviting to me to come read this short piece of yours. Being an older male I'm not too interested in young women. I tend to stay with fiction and fantasy. As a writer, I am interested in seeing how females write about themselves in fantasy. I still have to work on my presentation of how females are and react. Or so an editor told me on one of my submissions to his company. Anyway, you chose well for the title and the description. However, in a short story, there is a plot with a build up of contention coming to a point then a major confrontation with a cooling down period after. I feel cheated with this for two reasons. The first reason is our main character is running for her life from some hunters. Next she is being guided away from an angry dragon. Where is our major confrontation at? The second part is what does the Elf have to do with the hunters and the dragon? *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts A small, hand held silver dagger with an emerald green dragon emblazoned on the sheath. Why I liked it is you are giving the reader a clue of some kind. it peaked my interest in your story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot I'm not seeing a plot here just interesting components that keep me reading looking for the plot. If you plan on using this in a larger work or novel I would recommend you make a subplot out of it. How I would recommend you do this is add some trackers after her and when they entered the forest, one of them stepped on the sleeping dragons tail. That is why the dragon is acting out with such a furious nature. This also alerted the Elf to check for the person or being that the trackers were pursuing. Because now the angry dragon was pursuing the trackers. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters Your doing good on your main character. For what you are doing in the short story. I saw no reason the reader needed to know more about the character. If this is only a piece of a larger work then it gives you a lot of room to develop the charter more and that is always a good thing. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting First off the reader has no idea where this young girl is at other then in this world they have horrible things that hunt you. It seems like a pretty bloody world you have invented. However, your not going from your scenes smoothly. First we are runing like a crazy person, next we are taking a drink at a stream. As a suggestion since you do show us a forest up ahead is you have the main see a stream sparkling through some bushes and you head for it to take a rest a dring then run through it to through off her scent to the trackers it gives the reader the scene change and transition now when you introduce the Elf it makes more sense. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict You see at first you are building up to the conflict of the trackers or hunters. that was working pretty good until you through in the dragon and change the whole conflict on us so we didn't get the tracker versus the little girl conflict. Now if you use the dragon the way I suggested then you are plot twisting the trackers with the dragon and that is the major conflict and the cooling down part is the girl and the elf escaping while the dragon distracts the trackers and burns all the trace of the girl and possibly toasting a few trackers as well. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax There really wasn't one. *CheckB*
*BulletB* Dialog You didn't use any yet with this piece. Although you could add some between the Elf and the girl as well as the trackers and the dragon that might add quite a bit of humor to the situation as well as make it even more readable. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Presentation has two parts. The first part is how well did the writer present their text body to the reader? I feel you did an excelant job it lookied like a professional wrote it. The second part is how well does the writer present the subject matter to the reader? It needs a little work on that part. You have the potential to do some great writing, I hope you keep on writing as I want to keep on reading your fiction. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation

A small, hand held (a) silver dagger with an emerald green dragon emblazoned on the sheath. <---- After rereading this a few times I think it would read even better if you changed it to "She placed a small, slim hand on her silver dagger with an emerald green dragon emblazoned on the sheath."

She kept (it) on her at all times, prizing it (as) her most valuable possession. <---- You left out what you were refering to (it) or you could say (the knife). Next is your chopping it so it doesn't flow. The best way to make it make sense is to add (as) in there between 'it' and 'her.' Now it flows and the reader can understand the sentence as you had intended us to.

Turning her head to him and seeing her meant her to follow him. <---- Didn't you mean 'he' instead of her in this sentence? He makes sense here where "her" just adds to the confusion. *CheckB*

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review short stories that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy your story. Please keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from the Paper Dragon Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
28
28
Review of PolyEsther  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear Donkey Hoetay
I am reviewing your " PolyEsther . These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction I read the whole thing through. but as I read the story it lost me in a few places some of it felt fake and some of it was really clever. I like the story premise. I think the plot is awesome The ending kept me glued to the story. The technical part with the medication was interesting and really added to the story. However I figured out the plot and part of the story as soon as I read the newspaper article. My gut feeling is your not keeping it mysterious enough. It needs that shroud of mystery about it until the very ending. I'm not that great at it myself either. At first I didn't understand the title I thought it was a referral to the clothing material. It wasn't until the last part that it dawned on me what you meant by it then I thought it perfect. But for anyone looking at the story it isn't that strong of a hook. The description is working quite well. It was what drew me into start the review. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace I figured out part of the plot then when the second person showed up I figured that there was a third who was a killer. Now the pace is reasonable it speeds up and slows down. The more you fill in with descriptions the slower it goes. When you get into the action part it speeds up. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I liked how you used the different spelling of the name Esther to show what personality was present. I felt that your characterization was top notch. I had no problem believing the poly part of Esther. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery I had no problems getting around with your characters. The imagery was wonderful no typos or errors to pull me out of the scene. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes I had an interesting time deliberating over this But it all boils down to the birth of a serial killer. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere The emotion of this piece is scary. Not even Esther's multiple personalities were safe from her serial killer. Mood was intense anticipation of who will be the next victim. Atmosphere is violence that we do to ourselves and others in times of stress. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency The story was well written thus no errors with either. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar No errors found were found. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Lines I still don't recognize him and I know you're mistaken because it says here that he's dead. Murdered in his hotel room. So you could not have 'done' him as you claim. The reason I liked this section is it clued me into what was going to happen next and keep happening. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: You definitely have quite a twist on your tale the story as it is, is very readable, but it does keep you going to see if what you figured out matches the ending. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll , Dawg, And Dragon Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, Blog City, And P.E.N.C.I.L..


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
29
29
Review of The 19th Green  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
"Gasp!" You are being reviewed!

Dear Donkey Hoetay
I am reviewing your {item:} as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions That was an impressive ghost story I loved the twist you added to it the club house was next to the cemetery. I even loved that the players were play on the cemetery lawn. I didn't even pick up on the funeral that was being held in the middle of the green. I'm still wondering if Danny and Mike are ghosts as well. The reason I'm asking is because you did leave clues like Danny's tractor turning over. Mike's heart attack and that his wife was hurt and recovering in the hospital and Danny said it was okay to be there in spirit. I am surprised you asked me to review this. I actually like golf stories like Bagger Vance and the other three movies made about the game. I don't really play the game. But I do have knowledge of it even drove a golf cart once. Now back to business The reason i pointed out the hints is are they strong enough to give me the reader the idea the might be dead. Actually I believed them to be alive until Danny disappeared. Then I still thought that Mike was living and still do or is it Danny that is still living and the rest that are dead. Do see the readers dilemma? That is the only thing wrong and to be honest it might not be a bad thing. It does makes them go back and read it again. lol *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts I love the way you handled the funeral scene with the dressed in black school very clever cover story and very nicely done. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot Very interesting plot here first we get the title that is interesting since most golf courses have 9 or 18 greens. The description tells that an older man is looking out for the younger man. I'm thinking either Daniel isn't a ghost and just goes to visit the ghost and play with them or he is a ghost and doesn't like the new golf pro. Either way it does make it interesting reading. But as for guessing your plot it is a little misleading. Ok, on short stories we use both the title and the description to determine the plot for a review. your title in a way does give away the plot once you read the story but until you do it remains a mystery which is always a good attention grabber. The description is exactly what it seems and the story supports it as well except that they are all ghosts. I really like the imagination you have shown here. A cemetery as a 19 green golf course. Ghosts play golf as if they are still living. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You built your characters really well after all you had me believing they were real until they meet Chuck. You made him quite a character. Stealing mike's golf clubs and what he said to that bride just arriving to the cemetery. Quite a character. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting This could be present day setting. If except the getting hit by lightening if it really happened to a pro golfer then it could date it but I like it it adds to your character more other than that I thought I was on a real golf course going through a real game between a fatherly figure and a young man figure. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict The meeting of the golf pro. What I don't understand is why Daniel ran away? Was Chuck his father? *CheckB*

*BulletB* Theme Normally I remove this from a short story review because plot and theme are the same in a short story. But you had a great theme going as well as your plot the description is your theme believe it or not. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax Once Chuck joined them and Daniel disappeared. We split off with mike chasing Daniel and Chuck continuing to play golf until it starts to rain. then in the cooling off we learn we are in a cemetery and that Chuck's new condo is his grave.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog *CheckB*You do really well with your dialog in both carrying on the story and making your characters believable. You did agreat job making them all live to me.

*BulletB* Presentation Every thing fit well together. You understand correct spacing and the use of great wording in this story to create a piece that I feel is worth selling. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation If there was any I sure couldn't find it. *Checkb*

The story flowed it read well it kept your attention to it until the very end. It leaves questions in your mind wanting to read more to see if both Daniel and Mike are ghosts too.

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this short story. Please keep on writing more short stories just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from the Paper Dragon Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
30
30
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there Char 🌈|Reviewing| ! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed as part of the last raid weekend in G.o.T. (nothing like being set up by "The Keeper of the Realm!) I am reviewing your short story "Circuitous Fire

*BulletB* General Impressions: This is an interesting take on an old theme. I found your title interesting I did have problems understanding what you meant by it until the end of the story then the light bulb went on. It still is a good hook so no changes needed. The description is good. I found out that asking questions in our hooks isn't a good thing to do, but in your case it does add to the hook and draw the reader in for a closer look. I found that as a good general rule don't use questions unless you can get it to do what you did here. Good job on getting it to work. You got me into the story fully with the first paragraph. That is also a good job of writing as well. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: I left his house feeling a little guilty. I just couldn't break this off right now. I needed the emotional support that I couldn't get from Ray. It wasn't about sex. Well, not all about sex anyway. I like this part as it explains why Livi is cheating on Ray. It also is the reason she doesn't feel good coming home and why the secret admirer is bring back joy to her life right now. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: Your plot was great you did a good job on all three components of the plot. I even liked the twist at the end. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: You know we didn't learn much about either Ray or Dean. All we really know about Livi is she is a lawyer and Dean says she is beautiful. We need a touch more information to really make this story pop. Fist off Ray needs to have some height say 5'6 inches and dark hair. Next Dean needs some height as well say 6 feet even. And dark hair as well. Livi has to have that wonderful hourglass shape all really beautiful women have and dark hair. The reason I'm going on about body features is it gives the reader the idea that she likes dark hair and helps tie the men to her. You could even could give dark hair to the baby and it will add more depth to the story. Right now they all seem shallow not quite a cardboard cut out, but close. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: Other than the issue with transitioning between bedrooms you did well in your scenes. I could visualize where I was and what the space around the characters was with no problems. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: I have noticed you do really well with dialog. You use it to the fullest. It helps advance the story, give plot information, and setup your scenes. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: The first part as always you have this down pat old friend. The second part is well done, but has the shallow characters and the one transition error holding it back. *CheckB*


*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: You edit your work well the only error is listed below and it is not a grammar or word smith error it is a structure error.

First you did this: "Ray tossed and turned all night beside me, sleeping on the very edge of the bed." then you did "Dean sighed, stretching back in his bed." Now you have Livi in bed with Ray and we are now in bed with Dean. What you need to do to transition this is at the end of Livi in bed with Ray paragraph put a ~**************~ or just ~~~~~ or what ever your creative mind likes to use as a break in story there. That way you transition to a different scene and all the rest makes sense to the reader. The error is you didn't transition to Dean's bedroom from Ray's bedroom. *CheckB*

In summery I felt that the story lacked the depth of a professional piece. I showed you where in my opinion it could be improved upon to make it that professional piece. Fix those and this would be a really great story worth marketing.

You have been reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this short story.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
31
31
Review of Retribution  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there Char 🌈|Reviewing| ! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed as part of the week end raid for G.o.T.! I am reviewing your short story "Retribution

*BulletB* General Impressions: Interesting story idea. One almost thinks the lady did this on purpose to kill our main character. The title and description seem to support this theory of mine. The title has a good hook that was why I picked it to review. The description isn't a good hook. I read that and thought to myself do I really want to read this? I suggest you change it. I put all my contest notes such as prompt and word count and other notes at the last, so my work stands out first not last. Hey when your having fun we all tend to forget the business side of writing. I try and practice with everything I write as if it is a submission to a publisher. After all I do want to try and make a living at writing as I think you do as well. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: I really like the ending personally but no spoilers so here is second best: He towered over her, waiting for a response, but when she didn’t answer, he took it as a green light to go for it again. He grabbed her wrists and pushed her against the door. “Get off of me!” she screamed in a panic. The reason I liked this part is because it is the key to the main plot as well as what Paul Harvey used to say "The rest of the story." *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: I didn't have any issues with your plot and the three components of it. You did a really good job on it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: I enjoyed your characters I could visualize them thus they were real to me. You are doing a great job at characterization in your stories. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: I did feel you needed more to the scenes to bring them fully alive. I just pictured some drab shabby bar and a gray drab room in a dump of an hotel. In other words not much input to build what you probably had envisioned as your settings. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: This is an area where you excel at. You did a great job moving the story, advancing your plot, and entertaining your reader. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: You have seen this enough in my reviews I'm sure you judged. So part one is done quite well you have a great grasp of what your text body needs to look like for best reader presentation. The second part is you do really great at it as well. It must be the poet in you that gives the great word choices you use and that is never a bad thing! *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: There was none to find. You have done a great job editing and polishing it. *CheckB*

In summery I felt this piece still needed some more polish. It isn't ready yet to be submitted for publication, but it is darn close to being ready.

You are being reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this short story.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
32
32
Review of Christmas Crime  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi there ! "Gasp!" You are getting a surprise review! I am reviewing your short story "Christmas Crime

*BulletB* General Impressions: I found your story to be an interesting romp on the lighter side of family. I like how you used the brother as the scape goat to start the conflict then the build up as well as the picture of the young lady stuck in the doggie door. I liked how you used social media as well as neighbors and the police to heighten and add to the conflict build up of your plot. I liked how you used the one sister to be the comedian and show us the humor in everything. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts:
“Get.” Cassidy said, as she shoved with her boot.

“A.” Shove.

“Move.” Shove.

“On!” Really big shove.

In I went, landing in an inelegant heap on the other side of the door.
The reason I like this is it shows Cassidy as the pushy one as well as it shows action like it would in a real life. You can really picture this happening as well as the sliding in. However, as a technical issue Cassidy would have lost balance and fell on her butt as well when Stacy went sliding through. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: I liked the plot to your story. You did it really well you had good build up a nice confrontation and a great easing off of the contention. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: You did a great job on both sisters Stacy and Cassidy. We really didn't need that much on the brother or others. You did a great job showing us both sisters so we could relate to them as real people. You did an excellent job on the dogs as well. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: You did well on the house and back door. The best was the doggy door. You added to our expectations with having Stacy getting stuck in one before. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: You did a great job with the dialog in both character descriptions and plot advancement. You also used it to add to the humor as well as show off the interactions of the two sisters and their brother. you did a really good job with your dialect Leah. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: Since I don't know if I have "officially" reviewed you before I will explain this. Presentation has two parts. The first part is: How well does the author present their text body to the reader? You do an excellent job here leah with great linespacing and short paragraphs. The second part is: How well does the author present the subject to the reader? You used great word choices and great imagery in your scenes as well as character portrayal. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: There was none that I could find. You did a really good job on this story. *CheckB*

Other than a possible technical error your story was fun to read very believable. Great usage of social media to enhance the believability of the story. The only thing to watch out for is if you ever decide to expand this story out into a book the use of things like social media can date your work.

You are being reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this short story.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
33
33
Review of The Sun Also Sets  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi there ♥hOOves♥ ! "Gasp!" I'm here to do a surprise review on your short story! I will be reviewing your short story "The Sun Also Sets

*BulletB* General Impressions: I found it cute and light hearted in nature even if it was a lot of bull. You sure know your famous authors. I enjoyed the fact you involved the reader in some of Hemingway's life and literature. I like how you developed your plot out and a lot of the references you used. Very creative writing. The only thing that I found was character development. It would have been better if you could have used Hooves to show us his human or "She, who must be listened to." We needed him to "flesh her out" to us the readers. Now, an interesting point is you could have used that part to make the story even more funny and interesting by pointing out to us how a cow sees a human. After all a bull would have a really different point of view on humans. Even I would love to have hooves description of himself from his point of view.(This is just my interest showing. You really don't need to "flesh out" Hooves.) *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: She, who must be listened to, (my human) saw a movie called, "Midnight in Paris." She became obsessed with writers of the 1920's, particularly Ernest Hemingway. You don't use a lot of words here but you really say a lot and set the stage up for the rest of the story. This is a great example of plot foreshadowing and story set up all readers love to find. I like how it tells us that the lady partner of Hooves is a romantic and enjoys the famous authors work from a movie. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: With any short story I read the title and then the description. Then I read the story to see how confused I get. The title is interesting it has that hook quality we all want for or stories. The description is good but as an author we want it as a second hook to lock our readers into reading the story. Next we want the first sentence to draw us the rest of the way into your story. I tried this trich your using as well and the reviewers shot it down in flames. However I don't shoot peoples work so I'll just tell you that start it with some action like Hooves bulking at entering this weird looking really weird smelling machine. Then put your story start just as you have written it. Now bachk to the description. I think something like "The bull in the Past" or "The Bull Meets Hemingway." Just some food for thought. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: The reader needs a bit more characterization on the female character.Your showing us Hooves interest but no reader appeal for her. We would like to see what she looked like as in tall, short, fat, slim, hourglass figure, hair color as in does it match Hooves fur coat? facial features is she pretty or an old witch? The best part is to have Hooves tell us from the animal's point of view. I think if you did that what creative writing opportunity to have some real fun *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: You did an excellent job setting up your scenes for us using the research the characters did. Very creative good job. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: The dialog was really well done you used it to show hooves feeling on bull fights. You progressed the story and the plot with it quite well. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: Now presentation has two parts. The first part is: How well does the author show off their text body to the reader? You do this really well with good usage of line spacing and with short paragraphs. It really makes your story an easy read. The second part of presentation is: How well does the author present the subject to the reader. Your writing is excellent, your word choice and descriptions read well as a story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: Your writing is so good that if there was any errors my mind would fill in for you and I would never see it. What I am trying to say is there are no errors I can read in this story. *CheckB*

I like the story. But it does feel like it is ready to publish just yet. I feel it does need a little more polish. It is close to being ready to publish. I'm thinking if you filled in the lady with Hooves, it would be the finishing touches it needs to be ready.

You are being reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this short story.

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34
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there Char 🌈|Reviewing| ! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed! I am reviewing your short story
STATIC
Dawn Of The Cheez-Its  (18+)
A crisis in the cafeteria gets Cheez-its banned for good.
#2014943 by Char 🌈|Reviewing|


*BulletB* General Impressions: I read this story because Gaby decided that it had to be pick on Charlie day! So as part of the festivities I picked your "Dawn Of The Cheez-Its." I love humor as you know. I decided to check out your sense of humor. I thought the title and the description really went well together. They are both interesting and great hooks. They are what drew me to this story first in your short story folder. I wanted you to know this as none of the others seemed as interesting as this one. It read well and has a good pace. There wasn't any parts that dragged me to a stop. It flowed well and I could imagine the lunch room scene as you described it. Good writing there. However I had problems with the lead character and the way you described the call center and the things going on. Having worked in many call centers this was not realistic to me. If you would like to fix this scene I would be happy to go into great detail, but if your not going to mess with this story any more then we are fine as is. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: I felt my mouth salivating at the thought of their delicious goodness melting on my tongue. I licked my lips as she tore open the box like a rabid dog, ferocious for a little taste of heaven. You captured the right essence of Cheez-Its right there I loved the way you worded this section of the start of the lunchroom brawl. Really good job you did with this part. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: I found your plot to be interesting and entertaining as well as the surprise element at the end. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: For the most part I found most of the characters believable and entertaining. The call center part at the first made me not believe the main that much.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: The call center needs a bit more work. However you did a really great job with the lunch room. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: You use your dialog well to enhance the story and progress the plot. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: Presentation has two parts. The first part is where you show me how well the text body is and how easy it was to read. The second part is where you show me how well you wrote it with your word choices For the most part it is as intended a light minded romp about the value of provolone Cheez-Its. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: If there were any errors it was well written enough my mind auto-corrected for me and I would never find them. *CheckB*

The story reads well, but doesn't have that well written ready to publish feel to it. It still needs a little polish.

You are being reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this short story.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
35
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Review of The Curse  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there ! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed! I am reviewing your short story {bitem:}

*BulletB* General Impressions: Interesting story you have written. You hooked in the first sentence then dropped me out of it with the second sentence. You rehooked me for the rest of the story. You only had two parts that drop the reader going "what the heck." Not bad the best way to catch them is to read it out loud to yourself. I always wait until everyone is gone before I read out loud. After all who wants to feel silly when someone catches us talking to our selves. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: He blanketed the town with infringement spell once more. Satisfied that he would be alerted to any crime taking place in any corner of the town, Ahantan devoted his last day in Sagalapuram to identify the man who saved him. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: Very interesting plot. It is kind of subtle but all the components are there. In short stories how a reviewer tells the plot is by looking at the title and the description. We then read the story to see how confused we get. Also the title and the description are your first selling points of your story. You want them both to be a hook for the reader, publisher and agent. Your title is great but the description needs work. Since the plot is to get rid of the curse it has a subtle build up then the major confrontation with the man that saved his life. and the cooling down period where he saves the sick daughter. Very nicely done! *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: I liked your characters you didn't over populate the story and you used a few for scenes like the hospital great usage there the nurse was only a prop but you felt she was a person as well as the main. Really good writing on your characters. I didn't ever feel you were using cardboard cutouts. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: I liked the way you described the scenes and how you left a lot up to the reader to fill in with their own imagery. This is good writing nothing was over described, no repetition. You transitioned well between your scenes. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: You used your dialog well to advance the story and push forward your plot. Very nicely done. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: Presentation has two parts. The first part is: How well does the author present the text body to the reader? You did this really well with the use of line spacing in all the right places your story breaks from the different scenes. It looked like a professional wrote this. The second part is: How well does the author present the subject matter to the reader? Other than two errors it read well had great reader attraction and flowed. Your word choices and the scene breaks were really well placed Very nice job on this. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:
He flew few feet away from the truck and banged his head against the nearby lamppost. <--- Insert an "a" between flew and few and it will read a lot smoother and not stop the reader with a what the heck is this.

He ordered many unusual dishes of Sagalapuram for his last dinner in this flamboyant town. <--- This reads weird the way the sentence is constructed it makes the reader think that he ordered dishes of the city name Sagalapuram.

In conclusion I found your world of magicians very interesting I am looking forward to reading more of your world. Your story also does leave the reader wanting more. This is also a sign of great writing I'm still working on that party myself. Please remember this is your story and these are only one persons opinions take what you can use or drop it all. After all it is your story not mine.*CheckB*


You are being reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this short story.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
36
36
Review of DOMINO EFFECT  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there Donkey Hoetay ! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed! I am reviewing your short story
STATIC
DOMINO EFFECT  (18+)
An old man tries to settle a score
#2040567 by Donkey Hoetay


*BulletB* General Impressions: I liked the story you wrote. It didn't start getting interesting until the house break in. I had to come back to it several time because the first sentence doesn't grab the read and keep them there until the end. On a short story this is critical. This is the only chance you get with a publisher looking for things to publish. They look for title, description and first sentence. Your title is great but your description needs a little work. Remember it is one of the major selling points of any story you want it to pull readers in as well as the first sentence. Once we got to the break in things really picked up and it all went well.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: "You are here because I am a fisherman. I am good at it in the sea and I am good at it on land. You just have to know what kind of bait to use. Look over there on the table Vernon. Is that what you break into my house for?" asked Miah. The reason I like this is the way you used the dialog to tell us why Twig was tempted to break in. It also has really good reader attraction to keep us reading more. We want to see why he is "fishing" men. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: On short stories to determine the plot we read the title then the description from those we read the story to see how confused we get. I at no time was confused about the plot you did an excellent job with all three. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: I enjoyed the cast and crew you set up at first i wondered what part did the dog play until I realized it was part of the scene and nothing more. Scotty really does add to the scene. I liked how you kept your cast to what was needed this really enhanced your story. I felt your characters were real and not cardboard cutouts. You did a really good job with this part. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: You transitioned your scenes well and you gave us enough to paint in your scenes really good imagery. You didn't over describe them of force things on the reader. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: You did your dialog well I just wish it wasn't all ran together it makes it easy for a reader to loose their place and have to go back and reread to find what they missed. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: Presentation has two parts. The first part is: How well does the author display the body of his text to the reader? You really need to use line spaces after the paragraphs and space the dialog. When reviewers see such a mass of text and not much spacing they tend to go find something else to review. The second part is: How well does the author present the subject matter to the reader? I only found two errors in this that dropped the reader out of the story. The rest was really well written. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:
"Or you will do what...Tell everyone that you got beat up by an old man after you break in is house? Shouldn't that read "his" instead of "is"?

You had one other mistake but I cannot locate it again. The reason is my mind keeps filling in so I keep missing it. It is somewhere before the ending scene I think. Other than that I enjoyed the story. It is a well though out plot, with really good characters, and a great back story with the wife and sister. I would be willing to help you fix it and review it again and change my rating. *CheckB*

You are being reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this short story.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
37
37
Review of Happy Family  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi there chaimaeagrirane ! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed! I am reviewing your short story "Happy Family

*BulletB* General Impressions: You tell of a tale of two children. Every one loves to read about children. However your story reads like something translated from a foreign language. More like English is a second language. This is fine the problem is in the translation it doesn't flow and is missing words and some of them didn't translate correctly. One of the best ways to solve this issue is to read it in English out loud to yourself. I try to do this too, especially when no one is around, after all no one likes to look silly talking to themselves. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: Alice interrupted him and said: hi beautiful lady, he don't speak yet, I'm Alice and he's Jay, I'm 8 and he's 3, what's your name beautiful lady? The reason I like this part is it reminds of the way Chinese people interact with each other. They are always very polite and show good manners. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: In this story I feel the plot is how orphans find a family. It does have all the components of a good plot You did a good job with this part of your writing. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: We met Alice, Jay, Caroline and Oden. Since the story was short you didn't really build up your characters you left a lot to the reader to fill in. Sometimes if done right this works out really well. With all the errors in the story it made it hard for this to work. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: I feel you did your scenes well. How ever with the way the story flowed from a reader point of view we were constantly forced to stop and go "what the heck!" That the imagery didn't get a good chance to work its magic for me. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: You did well here using it to advance the story and your plot. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: Presentation has two parts. The first part is: How well does the author present the text body to the reader? You need to always use line spacing after every paragraph. The reason we do this is to give the eyes a natural rest break. No spacing causes people to take one look and go find something else to read. The second part is: How well did the author present the subject matter to the reader? You did okay, but it would have been better if you didn't leave out words. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation:
She is cute and adorableX,<--- (You don't need the extra space in front of the comma.) she likes cats and colorful birds, <---(You always need a comma before "but.") but she was most of the time sad<---(If you put sad after "She was" instead it makes much more sense.) because she recently lost her parents in a car accident.

Her small was miserable; they didn't eat for days sometimes. <--- "her small" what? As a suggestion I would recommend "tummy."

Usually, they survived thanks to some pieces of bread that they hardly find. <--- It should read "They worked hard to find."

At her big castle, they met her husband Oden. Oxen <--- Who is Oxen shouldn't that be Oden? said: "well<--- You need to capitalize the "W" in "well.", they can stay with us if they have a place where to spend the rest of their lives."

These are examples of the most common mistakes in your writing. There are a lot more I didn't show. This story has a lot of potential. Think of the places in it that you as a reader (not an author) would want to learn more about the character or place. Now that you found the place edit your story and add in the details your reader wanted. This is part of what all of us do in our editing mode. Next always take a break from the writing say a day or two then come back and reread it again from start to finish. This will help you catch the simple mistakes we all make in writing any story or poem. *CheckB*



You are being reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this short story.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
38
38
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi there Bumblebee ! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed! I am reviewing your short story
 
STATIC
crisis and mystery   (E)
100 word document for a contest
#2045319 by Bumblebee


*BulletB* General Impressions: Since this is a contest entry I understand the word limitation and the challenge. i thought you did well with your entry. However there is always room for improvement. Remember all short stories begin with a build up, a major conflict, and a cooling off period. The other thing that even I have problems with is show versus tell. You told this more then show us. I know with some different word choices you can do this better. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts: I screamed in rage, Smokescreen howling in unison. The reason I like this is your trying to show us the emotion of the moment and you succeeded.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot: You started us right in the middle of the action instead you should have told us how the pup was stolen them the chase and caging then Smokescreen licking her recovered pup as the ending that way you have all three components of the plot where as we are in the middle of the confrontation with no build up and no gentle ease of the conflict. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters: You didn't name the main character or give any information however you named the secondary. You did give us a few clues with mentioning they were water people. This part is okay after all it is a word limited contest entry the name would have been a great added touch but it is fine the way it is. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting: You do confuse the reader with "They all jumped into the river." Okay so our heroes jumped into the river. What did the thief do? Did he jump in or run along the river bank or head inland away from the people chasing him? That part does confuse the reader.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog: You didn't use any. However you did show a thought you need to point this out in a way it stands out. Some writers use stars in front an d back. The most common way is to use italics being new to WDC you may not know how to use the markup language to due this. The commands to do it look like this: {i} cage him with water{/i} Now a good way to show this action would be to say I projected this to Smokescreen, instead of I called. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation: Presentation has two parts. The first part is: How well does the author present his text body to the reader? For a hundred words you did well on this part. The second part is: How well does the author present his subject matter to the reader. You did well, but you could do a lot better with some different word choices. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation: I'm not going to drag out each sentence to show you, that you need to capitalize the beginning of several sentences. I discussed the use of italics on thoughts. In the sentence I used as my favorite you need to change tenses on howling to howled. The rest was done really well you know your punctuation. I believe if you will go back over this and read it out loud you will be able to create a winner with this entry. That is the trick I use to catch and find my errors in short, short stories. However I get lazy on anything over 2,000 words. *CheckB*

You are being reviewed by a member of House Arryn! For "Game of Thrones

Thanks for sharing this short story! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this short story.

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
39
39
Review of Medusa  
for entry "Medusa Chapter Two
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear John Nation
I am reviewing your "Medusa "Medusa Chapter Two. These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction As a reader expecting great fiction I felt like I was in a fairy tale for children. I'm not sure if this was the audience your after or if your after the adult audience. Either way if felt wrong. Some parts drew me in and the rest dropped me out of the story line. I think some of the descriptions with the her covering and the peoples reactions were not told as well as you should have. You were not as descriptive or showing emotions in the scenes is what I found. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace Your using your tools well It reads well for the most poart on pace but some parts are slow and dragging a little this is what makes me think I'm in a fairy tale for children. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I didn't notice any inconsistencies with this chapter. The characters are doing great I like the fact you use some to illustrate the beauty of Medusa. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery This is well done I don't have any trouble visualizing the places you set up the scenes in. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes The theme of Medusa's beauty is strong through out the chapter as well as the punishment of the gods. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere The over all emotion is Medusa's happiness with her temple life. The mood is foreboding of what is coming. The atmosphere is that of pride of Athena, that she has of her temple maidens.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar I didn't notice anything wrong when I read it. Of couse the reader will fill in a lot so it makes it hard to catch everything. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Lines Athena agreed with them. 'You offer rewards to your people and bless them the same as I. The rewards given for obedience are the same from all of us. What sets my temple apart from yours are the handmaidens I select.' I liked this part because is a good brag without causing issues with the other gods. *CheckB*
*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: for the most part the temple parts we well done it is parts with the gods and worshipers that seem false and drop you out of the story. I think you need to look at how real people react to beauty and use their emotions as well as give some thoughts to them as they react to her disrobing. Other then that a well written chapter. The dialogue was very good I felt you used it well.*CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a proud Dragon member of the Paper Doll Gang.






*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
40
40
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"Gasp!" You are being reviewed!

Dear Kit Kat
I am reviewing your "One Horrific Night as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions My General impressions of this story was I found it interesting. I couldsee this happening in real life. You did a good job in telling me the story. However I did find the repeating of the begining redundant. Also confusing I understand what you are trying to do with it. I feel you need to rewrite that last part to show the reader he is still confused and hoping that he will wake up and find it all a bad dream. Also he would be still in mourning (still hung over from the nightly drinking)over the death of his wife whom he really loved so much not just wishing her fairwell. Also you add a call from his brother telling him how sorry he is about the death of his wife. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts "This here is Lina." He said pointing at the blonde girl he had been kissing earlier. "This is Matt" He pointed to a tall brown haired man. "This is Hubert" He pointed to a tall black haired man. "This is Joan" He pointed at a short black haired woman. "And you already know Diane, who has disappeared." He smiled at everyone. I loved this part because it showed a typical bar scene with lots of people and friends. I liked the character choices you used. They inhanced the story and added more reader appeal to it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot In short stories we use the title and the description to determine the plot. You didn't give much away with either all we really knew was something horrible was going to happen to Paul. The plot after reading the story is about the horrible death of his beloved wife. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I liked your cast and crew, but I feel like that Paul should have knowned who the other werewolf was. I think by the way you wrote the story that Matt boyfriend was the werewolf. But that is just a guest. Another interesting thought is what if all of them are werewolves and his brother set him up. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting From the story I gathered that your setting is in some small town in a farming comunity in America. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict The conflict was first Paul becoming a werewolf. The main conflict is finding Pauls wife and killing her. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You used your dialog well to add to the scenes and advance both the story and the plot. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Presentation has two parts. The first part is how does the author present the item to the reader? You didn't do the seperation between paragraphs and break up the diary entry into paragraphs. (The eyes need the spacing for rest breaks and to keep the reader awake.) The second part of presentation is the word choices you use to present the subject matter to the reader. You did a great job there I found the story easy to read for the most part. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation click here to see. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from the Paper Dragon Gang.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
41
41
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
"Gasp!" You are being reviewed!

Dear 🌓 HuntersMoon
I am reviewing your "The Council of Seven as a "PDG Rockin' Dragon Review." These are my observations about your work, and you should take what you find useful and disregard the rest.

"Offering quality, helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions I Like your sense of humor making a parody of "Snow White" that is a good one. It was fun to read it to be honest it doesn't have that redy to be published feel yet. It is well written and has reader appeal. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts It was after midnight and the Nevada desert was empty except for an abundance of stars and the occasional billboard. She saw the big UFO cutout looming in her high beams. [Area 51, 85 miles. Next turn.] Such foolishness! she scoffed. How appropriate lets blame it on the Aliens. I'm still laughing at the imagination of it all. You were right I would like this it fits my sense of humor. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot At last I finally figured out why it didn't seem right for publishing. your plot is weak in the the way your telling it. The build up is light and not serious. then there isn't much of a climax to it and the ending falls flat. Funny, but still flat. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You did a great job with your characters. those were very believable. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting Your scenes were really well done I had no problem picturing it all in my mind. Even the fact she had switched over to a cartoon scene. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Conflict There really wasn't a lot of conflict in the story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Theme The twist on Snow White in a present day setting. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Climax The climax to me was when she met the seven dwarves. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog You used your dialog well and advanced the plot and the characters with it. Very nicely done. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Presentation has two parts. The first part is how well does the author present his work to the reader? You did really good on this part. The second part is how well did the author present the subject matter to the reader. Your writing was excellent and flowed well and you used great word choices. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!)*CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have received a Dragon review from the Paper Dragon Gang.


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42
42
Review of Medusa  
In affiliation with P.E.N.C.I.L.  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Dear John Nation
I am reviewing your "Medusa. These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction After reading this all the way through Your doing good as a story teller. You need to take the comma sense class as do I again. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace I can see where your heading with this story. Your setting the stage for Medusa to take a fall. Thus show where werewolves got their start. Where this is the plot or a good part of it I'm not sure at this time. It does add to reader interest. I am curious where your going with it. The pace was good not too slow but I showed you the parts where it slowed down in grammar and consisdtancy. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters I liked the fact you didn't add a whole lot of characters that you could have you used her family to advance the story and the plot line. Next you didn't add too many temple girls as you continue Medusa's tale. You characters are believable and are not done in a info dump. Very nice job of writing there. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery There was a couple of places you need to change to keep the reader on the scene you want to have them see. I showed you those in Structure and Consistency. Their is one trick I learned the hard way don't end a chapter with your main going to sleep. You always use a cliff hanger at the end to keep your reader turning pages. As an example: As Medusa started to drift off She heard a scream in the hallways. You can use anything at this point just so it adds danger or excitement and stops cold leaving the reader no choice but to turn the page. In the next chapter you would have them find a man had snuck in and was caught in the hallway etc... *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes I don't know if you have decided on what this story's main theme is yet so far all I see is magic and gods. which is fine in the introduction chapter. I'm hoping the main theme is werewolves, but I could be wrong. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere You know you really didn't go into a lot of emotions on your characters we kind of breezed though the story with very little emotions showing. As I reflect on this there are some spots you could enhance like the scene where her father tells her mother she has to lose a daughter. You need to show both the father and the mother grieving the loss of a child. No real parent ever willingly wants to give up or loss access to their children. Also Medusa would be afraid of the new surrounding she doesn't know what is going to happen and she is a child she will not act like an adult under these circumstances. Because of this it threw the moods and atmosphere off. *CheckB*

*BulletB*Structure & Consistency *CheckB*

*BulletB*Writing Style & Grammar *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Lines Venders opened shops to the sound of children playing in narrow lanes and clatter and clanking of goat drawn carts. Citizens waited at the entrance to the court to have the judges hear their complaints and petitions. Soldiers carrying long spears patrolled the streets, prepared to stop any disturbance. The reason I liked these lines are they really do depict old ancient Athens. You did a great job with these lines setting up the city scenes. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: I am looking forward to reading the rest of this Book and hopefully helping you get it ready for publishing. I probably still missed a lot of the grammar and punctuation issues as I am still learning it. However those I did miss are the ones the reader automatically fills in to keep the story moving alone. Those are most hardest to catch. I enjoyed the read and still have an interest in reading the rest of it. Basicly it looks like a good story I like the setting and I like the way you are using to set up the story line.*CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a proud Dragon member of the P.E.N.C.I.L. Group.


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43
43
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Ben Crawford
I am reviewing your "Unbound Words: Chapter 1 - Kenton the Ne. These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction Wow, much better read this time you did an amazing job on rewriting this. You only get two chances at recognition on these and that is title and description. They both have to be a hook to grab the editor and agent looking for talent. Title to me should be "Unbound Words" you need to drop ":Chapter 1." The description should be a hook for the whole book not a chapter description. Most novels don't have chapter descriptions for a good reason. (No one will want to read it, us readers are lazy if you have chapter descriptions we can read them and move on to the next book.) The last point is you built in more reader attraction but there was no motive to continue reading on to the next chapter. you haven't built in that great of reader attraction just yet. You need a cliff hanger at the end when Torin leaves. You could have him hear some one in distress and end chapter right there. In the next chapter we find out it was a practical joke between two students. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace I don't expect to find plot components in the first three or four chapters because those are reserved to introduce us to your characters and cast of your novel. The pace was excellent it read well and flowed and went fast. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters Now as I was reading the first section I kept waiting to see the rider would open the drive chat window and tell the driver to back up he missed one! If would be funny and it would show that he has a sense of humor as well as a short temper. You did a great job on your characters they are very believable to me the reader. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery Your doing the setting and imagery just fine not too much and just enough. As a tip to easier writing, since a lot of scenes take place in several rooms in the school and the hotel as well as a few places around the town I would map those out have some not used much character give him a tour of just those places *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes So far the major theme is magic. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere Kenton is feeling fear of rejection and insecurity. The rest are insecure as well. The mood is anticipation, how is the new head master going to act? The atmosphere is one of insecurity in all characters. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency Since you cleaned up all the errors and it reads well there are no consistency errors. and there are no structure errors. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar I have nothing that stands out as a distinct style other than the whole chapter. For grammar:
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Lines "Well, he is the head archivist for the school library, and he is rather good at that, but other than his work there we are not sure what he spends his time doing." Your starting to build reader attraction to Torin with this statement. Very nicely done. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: The chapter is structored better and no grammar errors. You cleared up the info dumps and left more to our imagination. This is ready as a chapter, just fix the title and description and it will be a 5 star. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll , Dawg, And Dragon Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, Blog City, And Art of Criticism.


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44
44
In affiliation with The Newbies Academy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there Steven Alexander ! "Gasp!" You are being reviewed by a Leader of the Newbie Academy! I am reviewing
 Ol' Johnnie Walker Red  (18+)
A soldier returning from Vietnam, haunted by dreams, turns to drinking.
#2009567 by Steven Alexander


*BulletB* Personal Impression You have captured the service man's plight on the "Vietnam Police Action". Remember only those who served over there still call it a war. The hippies still call it a police action. How the American people still to this day despise that war. At least now days the VA does help out us vets more then they used to do. I will be honest with you I know short stories and novels better then poetry.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Tone & Mood The tone of this work is one of anger and failure. The mood is depression and regrets over the service he did for his country and also that of betrail by his country to him for his service. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Rhyme, Form & Flow I see your using aa, bb, cc, rhyming scheme. I have no clue on what poetic from your using. But it does flow well it was very easy to read and understand. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotional Impact You did a great job here. You captured the depression the sad feeling of living through a war where you met the the devil and can give a guided tour of hell. But you showed us why a lot of that era service men took their lives rather than keep on living with the ghosts of there actions over there. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Punctuation In free form rhyming you still use periods, commas and correct punctuation. I noticed a lot of run-on Are you trying out for my title? I'll still have you beat I wrote over 228,000 words in run-on (two novels). I also know from the poetry classes I took as well as the teachers telling me by adding the correct punctuation to your poems it makes them even better. Now on a different note, Try this to your poem body at the top in front of Ol' type in {center} then at the very bottom after the end of the last line put {/center}. A lot of well written poetry form text images the only way to see is to center the title and text. Your imagery was really good other then some minor errors in Punctuation your poem was really well written. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your poem *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your poetry. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This is a review from "The Newbies Academy Group!

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45
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Review of Firing Squad  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
"Gasp!" You are being reviewed for your shower from Showering Acts of Joy.

Dear A.M.Issy ,

I am reviewing your "Firing Squad story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. These are my observations about your work.


"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions I wanted to tell you a few things about the story I just read. One, I didn't see any grammar errors which really made me wonder why is this story getting a lot of 3.5's. It was really well written and it even had a plot twist at the end. I guess I can see why some people would confuse it with no plot. But actually it has a great plot if you read between the lines a little. I know, I love plot twists and red herrings. You actually did a great job on this story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts Imagine his shock when the first piece of mail he picks up was an Introduction Letter to the new accountant, Mrs. Marge-Piston. That was a master piece of plot twisting. Loved the way you rubbed the fact in his face. All this time she told him what she was doing and warned him of the danger. Yet his male ego allowed her to one up him very nicely done. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot You know the way to determine plot is by the title plus the description. The title can be a little misleading until you find the plot twist then it makes sense. then you read the story to see how confused you get. The interesting thing is this story has the starting conflict then the conflict and then the twisted ending or smoothing down part. It has all the components of a good short story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters You only really involved the reader with two main characters We never get to know the man's name or title. We did get the lady's name. It seemed fitting to be honest. You mentioned two more characters the concierge and the boss. The reader never gets to meet them they are just props and honestly I didn't find fault with that at all. I feel you did a great job with the wordage you used to bring them to life enough that the reader was interested in them to keep reading. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting Ah yes the elevator. I loved how you used it as well as the office cubes and the street. I didn't have problems with your setting, scenery or images. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Pace This was a fast read. To be honest the way it is written now it was a cute fun story about a lady out foxing a man. Since they do it on such a regular basis it isn't a new thing, but I liked the way you told it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog I liked the third person point of view story telling you did. Since the story is a conversation between the reader and the story teller it could be consider all dialog. But the story itself contained no actual dialog. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Presentation has two parts. The first part is how well did the author present their text body to the reader? You did a great job there not too long paragraphs with line spacing between each paragraph. The second part is how well does the author present their subject to the reader. Again you did an excellent job. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This review is part of your *Waterdrop*shower*Waterdrop* from *UmbrellaB**RainbowL*Showering Acts of Joy*RainbowR**UmbrellaB*.


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46
46
Review of Chapter One  
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
"Gasp!" You are being reviewed For Showering Acts of Joy! Dear Cupadraig~The Remote Country ,

I am reviewing your "Chapter One story as a part of your shower at "Invalid Item. These are my observations about your work.


"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Impressions A contest judge told me when I was leaving notes in my titles and descriptions. on this site we only get two chances to impress a agent or publisher. The title and the description put your notes in the item either before the title or after it. You want both your title and your description to be hooks to draw them in especially readers and professionals. Your title is great, but put chapter one in the story body and not in your title. Also give your chapter a name again make it a hook. Now that I told you this. Your story is well told still hard reading at times but other wise it flowed and was a good fast read. After the second or third paragraph it pulled me in and I read the whole thing. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Parts We only meant…” His voice faltered as he suddenly realized Bradan was standing behind his father. Not only was he here but also he was clean, dry and in fine clothes. I loved this part it pulled a good one on his brother who from this example is not going to be a good ruler. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot Plot on books normally take two to four chapters to get all the back story out of the way and you start to see the main plot start in. I'm not sure but with your description and title I can guess that the Arch-Druid Lollan or is it Iollon not really sure of the spelling on it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters Your doing a great job on your characterization. In fact they are what pulled me into the story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Imagery and Scenery You are doing a great job there it was just enough to help me out. I did have a moment with the board in the stable. I thought he was going under the stable not out side it but you cleared it up. when you show that he brushes away the straw we the reader automatically think of floor. Not side wall not sure it is worth fixing just letting you know about it is all. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Dialog Your using your dialog well it progress the story and adds to the known information. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Presentation has two parts. The first part is how well does the author present his body of text to the reader? Part of good writing is the use of line spaces and short paragraphs. The reason I bring this up is I'm elder and my eyes need the rest breaks the line spacing gives. Also the same on your paragraphs both young and old need the eye rest else we grow tired and will put the story down and not read it again. I applaud you for the use of indents. As a help from one writer to another if you do this it is easier {indent} you just type it in once then copy it and just go down your writing and insert as needed. The second part of presentation is how well does the author present the subject to the reader? *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are best judge of what is right for your story *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your story. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy this piece. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

This review is part of your *Waterdrop*shower*Waterdrop* from *UmbrellaB**RainbowL*Showering Acts of Joy*RainbowR**UmbrellaB*.


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47
47
In affiliation with Blog City ~ Every Blogger'...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there iguanamountain ! "Gasp!" We are here to welcome you to Blog City! Today I am reviewing "HUMAN IDENTITY SYSTEM for you blog
 
BOOK
iguanamountain blog  (E)
You are what you write. Illusion and Reality...I reside in between. Where are you?
#1962205 by iguanamountain


*BulletB* General Impressions It is great to find another SCI-FI writer I like your HIDS it is quite believable. It is an interesting concept for sure. I still believe in a different world and I'm sure before we ever get to the HIDS stage something will happen and it will change. Now back to your Blog I read a few entries and found your a pro-writer where I'm still a beginner. You do write really well with a great choice of words. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Entries I liked your HIDS entry as my favorite entry. It showed off your creativity. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Theme or Over all Feeling I gather you write for the fun of it and to tell your stories. I feel your over all theme is fun. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Enhancements Here we look for your use of the mark up language. Your using more to direct people to what you have of interest not over done just eye catching showing the artist in you. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Activity I noticed your not a heavy blogger and that's cool we all blog different. I am pretty much the same my self.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Presentation has two parts how well the author presents the text body to the reader. You do this with an artist's eye. The second part is your word choices you use to present your subject matter to the reader. This is really well done. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

*BulletB* Summery In closing I look forward to reading more of your blog and sampling your story telling. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your blog *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your blog. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing your Blog! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading your blogs. Please keep on writing more blog entries just like this one!

This is a review from The Blog City Welcoming Committee
at *RainbowL* beautiful "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise *RainbowR*.



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48
48
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear gingergee
I am reviewing your "Not as Things Seem. These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction First off if there is any grammar issues, the reader didn't find them. Nor did my editor mode either, however your description really needs work and it needs to be a hook. Your starting hook to grab the reader isn't working. I realize it was a good idea, but you spent too much time on description. If you started it with the argument as all action is a huge draw for readers. You started to build reader attention with the argument. Then you left us with the cliff hanger of who is this guy Alex bumped into.*CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace As a starting point for figuring out plot is we read the title and the description then look for the bits and pieces in each chapter. On book chapters sometimes they don't contain plot clues especially the first three. Mostly they are used to fill in the back ground. Now two points I think you need to know. 1. Your title has to be a hook for the book not one chapter. 2. Don't use the description for one chapter. Use it as a hook for the book. Every chapter would have the same description. When agents or publishers scan the sight for new work to print those are the only two chances you get for them to read your work. The Pace is a different story it read well and fast. You had no grammar errors to stop the reader you did an excellent job with the pace for this chapter. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters Daddy, Henry, and Alex so far are who you have introduced the reader to. You have built Alex up more then the other two. Since your using third person restricted right now. Daddy is a rich powerful man with secrets. Henry is a male chauvinistic pig. Alex seems like a nice pampered daddy's girl. This is what the reader sees. The interesting thing is you have the whole rest of the book to develop them out in. My point here is so far we know that Alex isn't a follower She detests even the thought of it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery Setting at fist we don't have a clue where we are. Just some party with drinking and the building fight with Alex and Henry. We don't figure it out until the end when Alex goes to her room. At the beginning if you would add the party at home idea to us it makes transitions to the party setting more easier then trying to figure out who, what, where, and when. You know I really don't see most modern day women reacting like Alex did until you pointed to us the fact her boy friend and father had no faith in her. Now your imagery makes sense. A trick here is to place yourself into your character and describe her feelings in more of a show me not tell me situation. For instance you could use Henry to show them to the reader. Example: Henry watched as his last statement wrinkled up Alex's soft blue eyes and from that expression he felt in his gut he had crossed the boundary with her. My other point here is to the reader Alex is just a young woman no hair color, no eye color, is she beautiful, ugly, fat, slim, tall, or short? She is not something the reader can grasp yet and like or love. You need to use your characters eyes to show us the characters that are going to play major rolls in your story. After all that is what makes up a great story. This is the best way to set up your imagery on your scenes you did the airport scene just fine. A suggestion would be to use both Alex and Henry to describe the house and each other as well as daddy. That way the reader can bond with them and it really build up better reader attraction to the rest of the book. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes So far the main theme the reader sees is woman's lib. Now understand that the theme will change per chapter and there can be more then one theme. To make it work you need to figure out what the books theme is that you want. Then in every chapter you place something a character does or says that keeps the main theme alive. I looked at your genre choices and they only tell me it is fan fiction. That's cool but of what? Mystery, romance, or religious? In some genre the story is the theme like sci-fi or Horror. But in others like religion you have to keep showing the faith in God in every chapter or you loose the underlying theme. If your theme is love of god. I wrote in one of my sci-fi thrillers that the humans worshiped a computer named God and once he figured it out he stopped talking to the humans. I do poke fun at religion. After all God does have a sense of humor, he created us. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere The emotions were mostly Alex she was upset over Henry's attitude of her and also that of her father. Henry had that smug emotion I know more then you do so pay attention to my roar. The mood was set very well we don't know the mood of the party or of daddy as he was just a glance. The atmosphere was there is a storm brewing by the name of Alex. I'm just showing you what both the writer and the reader see in this first chapter. It's not really bad nor is it great it is just a start of your book. It does have some good components in it to keep reader attention *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency You did really well in the story structure. The scenes need a little tweaking but they still are workable but not rich in details yet. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Lines “That’s where you’re wrong.” He smiled. “He has as much as told me what I’ve just shared with you.” Before she could answer, he leaned over to whisper into her ear, “And, once I finally get into those pants of yours…” His implied meaning made her want to gag. For the first time since she’d known him, she was grateful she hadn’t given into his advances. Her rage made her want to deck him right where he stood. “You’ll be grateful I’m the one in charge.” I like this part of how your showing Henry's pig side to Alex. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: I know I showed you a lot of what both my reader and writer found that could help you out. I still feel like you do. The only way I can improve my writing is by someone being honest and pointing out my mistakes. I hate vagueness like "I couldn't finish it because of all the grammar errors." To me that is a cop out on doing the work of reviewing. If I have found any errors I point them out with suggestions just as I would want it done for me. What I really think about your chapter is this. It is a great start. The flashing back at the airport doesn't really work as a hook for me. (Please remember I'm only one person or reader so take this with a grain of salt.) The rest of the story went well it was a quick read it wasn't boring, and the further I got in it, the more I did want to keep turning the page to read more. It could use some filler to introduce us to the main story line characters is all I see lacking. The rest really is fine you did a pretty good job on this all in all. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll , Dawg, And Dragon Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, Blog City, And Art of Criticism.


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
49
49
Review of Timmy  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Scifiwizard
I am reviewing your "Timmy. These are my observations about your work.

"Offering quality helpful reviews in a positive and encouraging manner."


*BulletB* General Comments & Reader Reaction Wow you write a good mystery. I found a couple of minor issues with it. Now I use the word issues instead of problems because some problems cannot be fixed. But issues always have a solution. Your story reads well has great reader attraction and you even added to it with the cliffhanger at the end. I am definitely coming back to review the first chapter and the same with all the rest of our group. Your style impressed me. It was a good read. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Plot & Pace As you know plot on a book is hard to figure out in the first three chapters. However I'm very sure you dropped several clues to start building up to the climax. Now the same is true with novels and short stories. We take the title and the description and read the story to see how confused we get. I do this with books to get an idea of what I'm going to be reading. I noticed two things about them. I learned you need to make both the title and the description a hook. The description needs work and I actually think your title is great but I think "The Who" have it copyrighted, I could be wrong. As an author if I found this out I was trying to figure out how would I fix this. I remembered parts of your interview with the news reporter. "Ghost Boy" jumped out at me or the "Broadway Ghost" stood out as well. You will probably come up with something different and better anyway. The second part is you description really should be informative as well as a hook. A contest judge told me this as well as we do have publishers and even agents who browse through the site. Why would you want to miss out on work? The pace was great I zip right through it twice and was heading back for the third time just to make sure I got it all. You do write well. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Characters As a reader one thing stood out was your descriptions of the characters in the prolog. They read like a shopping list. One of the things I learned in "Novel Writing by the Numbers" was you want to show us the character instead of an information dump. I personally have the same problem what I learned was in this prolog of yours I would use the camera man Hank and have him admire The little girls beauty. Using the same technique as you did with the reporter. Also another idea is also use the reporter as she interviews the little girl. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Setting & Imagery You did an excellent job on both. You transitioned well between your scenes and I had no problem building the image of the theater in my mind. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Themes Since this is a prolog giving us a lot of back ground information and hints on things you need us to know to make the story unfold. It is hard to figure out just what hints you are giving for the main plot. Which is fine it builds reader attraction and keeps us reading. But makes it hard to figure out the over theme of the book and of the prolog. I find in a lot of books some chapters actually have several themes with the main central theme present as well. This is fine and not wrong in fact it generally makes for an interesting read and great story. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Emotion, Mood & Atmosphere For my purposes since most of these things are background information I will stick with Timmy. His emotion was sadness that the reporter didn't see him or hear him. The mood was worry over his parents. The atmosphere is one of mystery which I feel is exactly what your trying to accomplish with this to draw the reader into the rest of the book. Good job of writing. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Structure & Consistency So far with your writing style your structure is sound. Your characters and scenes are consistent. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Writing Style & Grammar
There, he pulled onto a light fixture just beyond it as if it were a switch. It took me a while to figure this one out. The first time I ever heard of a little boy pulling onto a light fixture. I suggest you just drop the to part of onto.

Outside of the theater, a second shadowy figure had watched the interview from inside a back four door sedan. I hope your not too upset with me, but I did find this pretty funny. The reason is in reading mood my mind filled it in with black instead of back. I would suggest 'Black' anyway. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Lines A hidden panel slowly closed in front of him, effectively hiding Timmy and the hall behind him from view. Now the reason I liked this section of your prolog is it explains why the little boy can play ghost. I'll bet that old theater has all kinds of short cuts and hidden passages made for the actors and magicians back in the day that most people wouldn't even know about especially the new owners. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Overall Impression & Conclusion: Some days I really hate the fact we don't have a way to test sentences to catch these. Actually we do and I keep forgetting to use it too. You would have caught those if you read it out aloud. I know I feel silly doing it, but my family members dislike my reading out loud. If only they were children again and not biased adults. Where is a grand child when you need one, eh? *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your book *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your Book. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing this item! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading this chapter. Please keep on writing more things just like this!

You have been reviewed by a Dragon member of Paper Doll , Dawg, And Dragon Gang, Showering Acts of Joy, Blog City, And Art of Criticism.


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50
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi there Geoff ! "Gasp!" We are here to welcome you to Blog City! Today I am reviewing "What Time Was That? for you blog
BOOK
IMPROMPTU PROMPTED BLOGGERISH  (13+)
Now a residence for BC and BCOF items. Random bloggisness wil apear in POTPOURRI.
#2003271 by Geoff


*BulletB* General Impressions I like your take on things you only have me beat by two years on life. I noticed you do poetry well you will get along well with the rest of the site. We have some really great aspiring poets here you will fit right in. Me When I write poetry it is always in humor. I mostly write novels and short stories. I feel you are going to enjoy our blogging community. Also once you realize that blogging is a form of writing practice and like anything the more you practice the more you become good at it. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Favorite Entries I really liked "Tme To Die? I have a different point of view on it. But I'll debate that with you another day. Your concept of death is very interesting I was thing of writing a series on what happens when we die and just where and what is heaven? Since it is a new and radical idea I'll keep it to myself until I finish my current series I am writing. You seem very interested in time. In truth if I have more time to get things done I would end up sleeping more often then I do now. I came to conclusion I don't need more time I just need to manage the time I have better. I like your points on trying to name your blog but it also reminds of the guy who named his dog "Dog" because that was what it was. Sometimes not being creative is being creative. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Theme or Over all Feeling I get the feeling you are fascinated with time. That's cool we all have something that interests us even more normal things. Mine is dragons and spaceships. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Enhancements I noticed you are starting to use emoticons this is good in blogs. Lets face it text is always cold when your talking to someone. Emoticons help convey your smile or feelings to avoid the coldness of plain text. Good job if you ever want help using Writing ML I am fairly good with it as I used to write online games in it for the old bulletin board systems it is Pascal so I understand it really well. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Activity I noticed you are starting out like I did which is great. I still only write to the prompts my muse likes and can form a twist to it. You are yourself and as you stated in one of your blogs no one knows your mind. Once you figure out blogging and the why we do it in a way you want to join in the fun and creativity. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Presentation Presentation has two parts. The first part is how well does the author present his text body to the reader? You do use line spacing well and you keep your blogs readable to any viewer. Very nicely done. The second part is how well does the author present his subject to the reader. You bring a fresh new voice with deep thinking to our community. I hope you will continue sharing with us. *CheckB*

*BulletB* Grammar/Spelling/Punctuation
I pried and tried.
I looked far and wide.
Alas, no bad grammar,
Could this Grammar Nazi find! (Please excuse my poor attempt at humor, but it is true!) *CheckB*

*BulletB* Summery Thank you for allowing me to get to know you in your blogs. I enjoyed your thoughts, views, and opinions on life, time, and bigots. *CheckB*

*Exclaim* Please remember that you are the best judge of what is right for your blog *Exclaim* Whatever another person says -- especially me *Exclaim* -- whether positive or negative, is just their opinion *Exclaim* You are the only one who can decide what is right for your blog. *Exclaim*

Thanks for sharing your Blog! I only review things that I enjoy reading and I truly did enjoy reading your blogs. Please keep on writing more blog entries just like this one!

This is a review from The Blog City Welcoming Committee
at *RainbowL* beautiful "Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise *RainbowR*.



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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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