This is a great item with unique description. It is well deserving of the constest win and awardicon. I do not have any suggestions for the writing of this item, but I have a couple suggestions for other aspects of the item:
Consider moving the link from the brief description to the item body as links (and other WritingML) do not work in brief descriptions.
Consider improving your brief description to make it a bit more attention-grabbing.
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Review 4 of 20
Good job at organizing this. It's nice to see the awardicon at the top.
In your brief description, you state Some for contests, some are older works. Do you only write poetry for contests now?
Also, in the body of this folder you wrote Many were written for contests and all welcome feed back as my writing is constantly lookinf for improvement. My rhyming poetry is in another folder. feed back should be one word You have a typo in the word looking Instead of saying "in another folder" consider giving a link to the folder where the other poetry can be found.
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Review 3 of 20
I'm sorry to hear of the loss of your pet. It's a great idea to honor him in this way, especially posting this on the front page of your port.
Maybe you can include some more description of what he was like: energetic or calm? Some of his little quirks (all dogs have them LOL)... that sort of thing.
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Review 1 of 20
who will sing our songs or write our odes. Change the period to a question mark here.
Preserve the song that rises
out of our spirit’s desire to live These were my favorite lines in this poem! I really love this message!
I enjoyed what you had to say through the whole poem. I had one small error, pointed out above. Keep on writing! Best of luck in "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor
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Even before reading this poem, I was interested. Your brief description and title (together) are quite interesting!
I love the message you have here. It is written well, but I have a few suggestions for improvement: I suggest taking some of the punctuation out of this. (Not every line needs a comma or period!)
** And anytime I, try to, open them I can't. Why the ** in front of this line each time? Why are the commas in the middle of this sentence. Maybe you want it to be line breaks instead?
I've got a heart that's full of shooting down,
my onlyness. These lines are awkward. (shooting down and onlyness)
A few notes on the set-up of this: I would suggest taking the additional spaces out from between each line.
You may also wish to consider centering this.
If you don't know how to do that, go to the "Author Tools" drop down menu (at both the very bottom of each screen and upper left hand corner) and select "WritingML Help" A pop-up window will open showing how to do many really cool things!
If you need additional help (on this or anything else onsite), just ask and I'd be more than willing to help!
About the poem: I can joke around with you I would suggest taking "with you" off the end of the line.
This was a beautiful poem.
It was a bit short and simple, though. Consider adding to it!!
This was a beautiful poem! I really enjoyed reading it and getting a bit of a different perspective on a mother-daughter relationship (I'm not a mother ... yet)
There are a few errors/questions I wanted to bring to your attention:
Whatever the time, the call
wakes you out of sound sleep,
and you put on your "worry cap"
(Some things don't keep...) What did you mean by the last line in this stanza? It doesn't seem to fit for me, but maybe its just a phrase I dont' get...
Will they gain strength to go on,
will things turn out all right? I would encourage you to use a question mark at the end of the first line here as well (and then capitalize the second line.)
There are a few times throughout where I would suggest not using a comma.
Keep on writing! You've got great tallent!
(Oh, and as a sidenote: midnight calls aren't ALWAYS bad... LOL -- I call my girlfriend at midnight often )
I like the message you give here! It shows of hidden pain and fear. It's simple yet complex and I really enjoyed that!
Your line breaks are awkward. Try putting them at natural pauses. If you want additional assistance on this, let me know and I'll be glad to help more!
I've been told that your horror,etc are amazing... and they weren't wrong! You're a really great writer! This started out very childish and sing-songy, but the pace changed. I really liked how you did that!
The length of this was great - long enough to have details, but short enough to keep my attention through the whole thing.
Keep on writing and sharing your words.
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This is not a rip-off from the great poet's work. Do read & let me know your comments. All pieces (well, most of them at least) posted on this site are up for comments. I would encourage you to use your brief description to pull the reader in!
Your poem seems a bit wordy and lacking in emotions. I found it a bit difficult to feel any connection.
You're heart has been broken and you're not the one to blame. "You're" should be "Your" here.
You need your reasons to why you're feeling so abused, I would suggest adding the word "as" before "to."
I know they're coming I'm just feeling so confused. There are two ideas here. Separate them wish some sort of puctuation (period, dash, semicolon.) The next line continues the second idea stated in this line. Because of this, don't end this line with a period. Not every line in poetry needs to be punctuated! (You may wish to rework more punctuation throughout this!)
I Saw from the start that you cut like a knife. I see no need to capitalize Saw here.
Within you burns strong, illuminating light. I would encourage you to add the word "a" before "strong."
Other than those errors above, things look pretty good. Keep on writing.
A quick suggestion: You may wish to put a note saying that it was first in my port. Otherwise the Tigger/Gymnast option is a little strange to be on your poll.
And an interesting little fact:
This item is older than your port. That's kinda cool!
The use of two colors is proving to be disrupting the flow of your poem for me. I find myself emphasizing the colored words instead of letting the emphasis lie where is should. If this was a rule of the contest you wrote this piece for, it's understandable. Otherwise, I'd encourage you to italicize the words instead.
Capitalize the looking in the first line of this.
String and paper flying
As tiny fingers hold
Toys with all their promise
Of hours of fun to behold I believe "promise" here should be "promises".
Is there a reason some stanzas are separted with double lines and others with single lines?
Has falteringly just begun This line doesn't flow like the rest of the poem/stanza does. Consider changing "falteringly"
Yet though I’m old
I’m happy, happy that I can
Even after years, remember
The child inside of a man This stanza was a bit awkward.
All in all this in an interesting poem. I enjoyed reading it. The rhymes used seem quite natural for the piece. Most of the piece flows well. The only spots that didn't are noted above.
I don't understand the "Nurse Hatchett" reference... could you please explain?
13 -- “For nine months I have shared space with this being we shared my very breathe.
breathe should be breath.
As I write this comment, I'm about 1/3 of the way done reading this item. I'm glad that pcombs pointed it out to me as I otherwise would not have looked at it or would have opened it and been scared away by the length.
22 -- He was a linebacker on the football team with his 6’4” frame and 200 pounds he was a force to be reckoned with.
This line is a bit awkward.
but how do you describe your heart is being ripped out right through your soul.
I liked this description.
28 -- Marie no longer cared if she spoke out loud she was so weary she only wanted this moment to last forever and be over soon.
This should be 2 sentences.
-- “I hope your parents hearts are as full of joy as mine is pain.
parents should be parents'
31 - He called her a tigress, and taunted her that he loved the fact she had finally found some fight it made things more interesting
This should be separated into another sentence (or use a semi-colon) after "fight."
35 -- start this paragraph with quotation marks as its a new paragraph in the middle of a spoken part.
40 -- Marie started to blubber again her heart was so heavy.
This should be 2 sentences She couldn’t breath, she felt as if every breathe
Switch breath and breathe.
I'm really enjoying getting to know Marie. What a sad life, though.
One from the end -- You switched tenses here, speaking in the present instead of the past.
You're hosting a great contest here! An entrant posted a link to your contest along with their entry on scroll today and I checked both out and am very glad that I did so. I will probably be back occasionally to review some of the entries.
May you continue to have success with this far into the future!
This is a wonderful piece with tons of valuable links.
Thank you for taking the time to compile this list (and thanks for including "Invalid Item" .)
There is one error that I noticed while reading through this. The last line says "I will be adding more, as I find more or am ask" I belive you wish to change "am ask" to "am asked" or "am asked to"
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Consider moving the link from the brief description to the item body as links (and other WritingML) do not work in brief descriptions.
In your brief description, you state Some for contests, some are older works. Do you only write poetry for contests now?
feed back should be one word
Keep it up!
)
I don't understand the "Nurse Hatchett" reference... could you please explain?
13 -- “For nine months I have shared space with this being we shared my very breathe. 
sad
.)