Hi Ali,
Well thank you for helping me get started, I think I am starting to figure things out. Of course, it is long held in the circles of academia, “That a man with a little knowledge is a very dangerous thing.” I after some five years of study, have become one of those dodgy fellows, I am certainly classed as having a little (the emphasis on the word little, as in small, minuscule and teeny-weenie) knowledge. But, luckily for my ego, what I lack in literary astuteness, I can make up for with bravado, and unending opinion.
A fore mentioned disclaimer promptly placed in bold print at the head of this review, I am going to try to repay your kindness to me, by tearing your work to pieces, with my wild ideas and unwarranted suggestions. I will again warn you that I have spent far more on subscriptions, courses, books and copy editors, then I have ever made by selling my feeble scribbling. (That is with fiction, I have done very well in my efforts in Technical writing, But I think it doubtful that you need me to write you a report on improving the efficiency of your cabinet manufacturing plant, that is unless you have one?) I say these thing because I don’t need people to tell me how great I am, (my head is already to big) No, I need to constantly be pointed at my frailties. It has been the following of that theory, which has allowed me to make any progress in this art. (That is, again assuming I have.)
Now to the good parts, Augie’s story is wonderful, it is inspirational, and has a warm feel. It seems to me an original storyline, I can’t remember reading, or seeing anything with my children, which even remotely resembles this tale. (Note: I have four kids the oldest twenty-seven, the youngest nineteen. So I have watched tremendous amount videos over the years.) Next, the story is quick, but with that said it has some bumps.
By bumps, I mean it didn’t read as smoothly to me as it could have, and it was very narrative heavy. I think there are many opportunities to (oh this hurts me to say, because its my middle names) ‘Show instead Tell’ and of course George Orwell said over and over, “Less is more, cut, cut, and when you have done all you can, cut some more”
Lets look at the beginning knowing that the cage is made of chain link may not be important, Billy’s woven finger do not advance the story. How about something like this:
“Mom, this is the one, I want him, and he needs me.”
The cinnamon colored dog shyly sniffed at the boys fingers, “Billy please, don’t put your hands in the kennel, they haven’t cleaned it yet today, you’ll get your pants dirty.”
I think this way the reader will get the picture, in this first paragraph I used of the forty-one words, thirty-one are now in dialog, where in your original, there are fifty-five words and only seven are in dialog. This is with me taking the liberty to start the plot thread in the first sentence, by adding “and he needs me.” The mystique of this story is that Billy hears Augie so why not start the idea from Jump Street. Anyway, I hope you get the idea from my short example. I have to do the same thing go back and try to move stuff into actions and dialog.
Here is another example of getting more action into the narrative.
“It’s okay Augie,” Billy gave a yawning whisper to new friend, “It’s safe here. You don’t have to be afraid anymore.” He pulled him up to his pillow and snuggled closer, his face nestled in Augie’s soft neck, and a minute later, they both lay asleep.
There are opportunities in every paragraph to move into Show, always look for more action! And of course you have to get creative, so you can plug in less common descriptors. Now I understand the constraints of a targeted audience, so I am not saying use a twelve letter word, if you reader is going to be a six year old. But in the English language we are very lucky, we have four-hundred ways to say one thing. While in say, Chinese, they only have four-hundred characters to say everything, if that seems hard to get, it means they only have four-hundred words in their entire written language. They change the meaning of a character by putting different character figures in front of each other. We have more than hundred words in the first five pages of any English dictionary.
I only saw a couple of times were you slipped into creative dialog syndrome (using some word other than Said as a dialog tags) but I am told that I don’t need tags unless there are more than two people talking and then there are things you can do there. If one of the characters is unique say like Joe Pesci's character Leo Getts in Lethal Weapon, he started every sentence with the words “I know, I know, I know.” or "What ever you need, Leo Getts" So after the first time, you never need to add he said again, because of this quark that identifies him. It easy with sidekicks because they can use familiarities like "Batman" to start every sentence. Stan Lee never had to write "Robin said," because he away started with "Holy 'something' Batman" or "Bruce" depending on the attire of the moment. Alfreda always use Master Robin or Master Bruce at the start of his sentences.
Little things are not consistent. Like in his dream, Billy whispers to Augie,
“Augie?” Billy whispered, his voice shaky with confusion. The puppy stopped barking and stood perfectly still, his eyes drilling holes into the boy’s chest. Then he sprinted off into the forest.
But, there is no need for whispers, they are in the woods, even though it is still in the dream. and he is confident enough to leave his mother and go running into the woods he would not be shaky maybe somewhat confused, if he didn't yet understand what it is that Augie wants him to do, but that's not the feeling I got, I got he was scared.
I think you could use a little more description work with the grassy fingers, they are important because Billy has to recognize them from the car so he knows where to tell him mom to stop. Billy needs to be more impetuous, maybe he bales out of the car the instant they stop, that will build more tension, because his mother is telling him to stop, but just keeps going, a man on a mission, that also gives the reader a reason for his mom to be so far behind him.
Ok, it is easy to pick someone else stories apart, I don’t have any emotional attachment to it. If only I could be as cynical with my own works. Ok . . . ok . . . ok, I know what you are saying oh my god, what is this fool done to my wonderful little award winning story of love, compassion, and the loyalty between a boy and his dog. Nothing, it is just find for the media it was posted. I understand it was just a short story contest, we don’t always have the energy to pour our hearts, and souls into a little forum contest. and the contest is long over and you already won! so what's the point?
What if instead, it was the opening for a Disney movie based on your book. "Augie and me" So, I tell you that my tearing at this warm little ditty is just to get you thinking. I mean it would be really cool, if you could become rich and famous, so I could say I knew you back when.
Now here’s an opportunity for you to return the lashings, I just posted a 2500 word piece for a spring contest from EROS
You can tear it up Please. Alternatively, of course you can also click on the delete button, which ever seems the most appropriate.
Best of luck, and if you’re not too fazed with me, I will read some more of your stuff tomorrow and see if I can tear it up as well.
Joey C.
P.S to anyone else reading this review I am glad to read and assault you as well, but only if to are willing to return the favor. don't be shy, drop me a line |
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