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Hi Jade,
What a wonderful surprise to find that I can return the love, by reviewing something of yours and at the same time meet one more of my M2M duties in the bargain. “Is life sweet or what!”
I know this is not your most recent post, But it is not old either. As I was looking through your port, the title caught my eye. Which is what sparked my choice, I try to make it my habit; that once I open someone’s story and read it. I do the review, regardless of its genre, content, complexity, or level of authorship skills. I believe that those who find a posting difficult to review and skip it for something less demanding.Do a disservice to themselves, as well as, the people they review. Postings from authors with little or no issues in creative writing mechanics, still crave feedback on story lines, timing, their characterizing, and overall feel of their efforts. You are one of those people, who invests a good deal of your time, energy, and thought into your reviews. I hope that I can do the same for you.
As you can see I do not use a template in reviewing, I like flying without a net. I never know how a piece is going to affect me, and what I may choose to talk about with its author. I think that if I were to review from a template I would only watch for the issues in its list and might miss something worthy of comment. That doesn’t mean that I won’t look at specific things an author may ask opinion about. But that usually comes after they get my first review. Then they tell me what is important to them, or ask me never to open their portfolio again. On that note. it’s Okay to say, “Hold still Joey, while, I press the handle, don’t mind the swirling, it only last a few seconds.”
Okay, let start talking about your efforts instead of me. Let’s see, if I can find some adjectives to describe this piece. How about … Smashing, sensational imagination, triumphant spirit, and brisk flow. All from a simple prompt, that would have sent most folks, (including myself) into a comedic romp about their last change in living quarters. That was the first thought I had, though it was driven by the fact, I know your work brings you travels to some seemingly exotic locations. That was what the prompt title put in my head. What a surprise to find out my first impression was so wrong.
Your story has all kinds of imagery, lots of action, and hints of intrigue. It could easily be the opening for a fascinating romp through your fantasy world of untamed darkness. It shows that you do not lack for imagination. I have no doubts that if you pursue your efforts in creative writing, we will one day find you on our bookshelves.
I loved the story, and I care deeply about making it clear to you that every word I offer to you, is done so, with respect and the hope that my views can help you find something from a different point of view. As you know from some of my replies to your reviews, I don’t want you to pull any punches when reviewing my works. I will do the same for you. Just remember that my opinions are no more valid then anyone else. Beauty is always in the eye of the beholder!
This is a short, and as such, I think you need to do what I am trying to learn for myself. “To say more with less.” This adage is particularly important in our short stories. By example some years ago, In a bar down in Keywest, Florida, author Ernest Hemingway, while drinking his afternoon lunch, entered into a wager with a fellow compatriot about who could write the most meaningful short story. His subsequent submission was:
“For sale, baby’s shoes. Never worn.”
Lately I have shared this quote and idea in several of my recent reviews as it amazes me of how insightful his story is. If I had not seen his writing of it before hand, and was asked to tell the story it does. I have no doubt my effort would be at the least three pages, and it still would not hold the drama that this simple quote contains.
Your piece could use more show, more action, as seen from the character point of view. (LOL I have been working on trying to learn this art myself for over six years,) Don’t misunderstand I am not saying that we can’t have or use ‘Telling” because it is just as important to a story as any other element of writing. It is our time machine, without use of the ‘tell’ we would forever be in real time. Our readers would be put off by adrenalin overload or lose interest from having to live out to much detail.
We want our narratives to be invisible to our readers; we don’t want them to hear us as authors. We want them to forget they are on their own sofas and instead find themselves fighting the wind to tie the ox hide tarp over their wagon, as they race to escape the bandits that are slinking up on them in the darkness. To do this, we must let them become part of the story using our protagonist’s senses. They must see through their own eyes, hear with their ears, feel the sensation on their skin; they must taste the bile in their own throats:
Terror’s bile rose up within her, as she watched the angry bolt of white energy tear across the inky sky; she saw their images in sharp relief against the rocky desert. The bandits are almost here, we’re lost! She squinted hard, as the blinding, filthy, raindrops stung her eyes. The deranged wind filled her ears, its howling cry clawed at her from all directions.
Her hand stung as she slammed it down on the last pin into the ox hide cover on their wagon. She jumped down and ran to the front screaming at Brunt as she climbed back up. “Go, go! They are upon us!” She worried he had not heard her over the demon wind’s screaming. But the stark image on his face told her otherwise, He handed her the reins as his thick body careened over her to land on the muddy ground beside the wagon. A new bolt of fear rose within her until she saw Symthe and Danby at his back. Oh! Thank the gods! No half-starved bandits; not even twenty of them! Will best ‘The Mountain’ and his boys. She tightened her grasp of the heavy leather and began slapping it on the horse’s rear as she screamed. “Get up! Get up there Bess!” So close it just a dog's dash ahead “Get up Bess, we got to reach the wall, they won’t dare follow to its strength! Get up girl, hurry now, get up!
Now keeping in mind that it is very easy to call a different play on Monday morning, I don’t recall a single time that I didn’t know the game winning formation or which receiver was open. But in the heat of battle you don’t always see thing the same as the day after. I don’t know that there is a lot of difference between your version and mine. Save that, I shorten it a bit, leaving some to your wonderfully descriptive adjective out. In addition, I tried to shift the Point of view to her eyes.
When we are in the heat of the moment, we don’t see the detail of our surroundings. I think the adrenalin of the moment, the distraction of the storm, the worry for Brunt, and his boys, and would overpower the heroine’s observations. She would not think of the “City walls towering, dark, and colossal somewhere above her.” and though she may feel them as “strong, impenetrable, and unmoving in the swirling, screaming dark of the storm.” She and the others are in a race for their lives, they would not let detail in; no, only the visceral could penetrate her thoughts only the things between her and safety. There are several places that I thing you could have been more active, more direct, more smelling less telling. But unless you want to expand this into a book, I will limit myself to the examples above.
By the way, what is our heroine’s name? It’s harder to slip into her POV, if we don’t even know her name, or anything else about her. You describe Brunt; you describe the surroundings, and even the bandits. We even have a glimpse of the unknown old man on the upper balcony, but ‘nod’ah’ on the focus of the story.
I liked your use of dialect it adds flavor to characters. It also helps define them, making then identifiable, thus reducing the need for as many dialogue tags. But be careful to make sure your poor American cousins can sound out the meanings easily. Sometimes it can be done with a few simple changes like substituting a close sounding consonant for another or pair of others, Like using ‘dat’ in stead of ‘that’ or even just making things plural when they shouldn’t be, “Whats ya’ thinks?” But my research on this writing tool say, never substitute or leave out the vowels.
Hee, hee, I thought I had you on a few spelling issues until I remembered you hale from the UK, and who am I to counsel you on the use of the Queens English. Then I found a few things that my favorite English teacher missed. (For any of you who are reading this other then Jade, she is an incredible copy-editor, who is doing me the honor of listing the thousands of examples of SPAM in my work. So when I can find something in her works, it helps to make me believe, I can write beyond a third grade level.)
now stretched taught over their little caravan and raced towards the driver's perch, a wordless cry of terror escaping her lips as (space) she scrambled into place beside Brunt.
Her scream was lost in the storm, as the bandit pulled her to him, raising the dirk now in his free hand(,) and grinning the whole time.
'Tuesday', she thought. For once(,) she is glad of her schooling in the old tongue.
The world seemed to spin and sway around her, but she had steel at her core. In three paces(,) she was at the door, looking out onto a twisting stone stair.
. “Nooo”, she howled “not Brunt and Smythe and Danby. They were good(,) and strong}(,)and brave! (Or “They were brave, and good and strong!” where the meaning of good is as a adjective like Very, or plenty, as in ‘very strong’, or ‘plenty strong)
The movers were nearly at the gates, only the(Xspace)dead waited silently to greet them, the guards had all returned to the safety of the city.
but what she saw filled her with horror. Brunt had emerged from the remains of the caravan, sword in hand (,)as a circle of movers closed in around him.
The guards were not the movers, the bodies were being laid out to be taken by these, these.. things! CMOS say ellipses are best as space followed by three full stops then another space. These( … )things!
“Fight dirty” he'd said, “use, teeth, nails and go for weak spots; a tiny thing like you hasn't got a hope fighting clean (.)”. For a moment it worked, CMOS says punctuation goes inside quotations.
Well now, I have had a bit of fun with you; please don’t think ill of me. I absolutely relish every single mistake you find and point out in my miserable works. Because it shows you care to take the time and hard work to point them out. On my computer I can only see what is supposed to be there, not what actually is written! Then I am a sucker for the emotion of writing and I get caught up in it. You should take solace in the fact that there are many like me, so you will never run out of work as a copy-editor.
I truly hope you found anything in my rambles helpful and I look forward to you next review of my miserable works.
 
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| (4.5)
| (4.0)
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