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329 Public Reviews Given
329 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I do not use templates, I prefer to send my thoughts in letter form. But be forewarned most of my reviews are over 5000 characters in length. More especially the first. Seconds and third reviews tend to be more concise as I learn what you would have me comment on.
I'm good at...
Being,(or at least trying to be) objective, never forgetting why we are all looking for reviews.
Favorite Genres
Epic Fantasy, Historic, Action, Crime Drama, Techno-thrillers, and many of the classics. I like some erotica when tastefully presented with a plot that could be plausible. I think snippets of porn lack talent and are just graphic self-indulgence.
Least Favorite Genres
Poetry: but only because I am not very good at it. That is not to say I am unwilling to share the emotion your poem may invoke, you must understand you will get what I feel, with little help on any technical aspects.
Favorite Item Types
I am eclectic! I truly like everything, my favorite is whatever the book is in my hand at the time you ask the question.
Least Favorite Item Types
I'm not a big fan of Gay (male homosexual erotica)But to exclude any genre based on perceived phobias is to lessen my understanding of our art. How can I succeed with a closed mind, when the opposite is what creative writing is all about?
I will not review...
Nothing is off limits I believe as writers we must be willing to understand the entire spectrum of our art, even if a particular area is disturbing to us. Testing our limits is what makes us better at what we do. It does not make us into what we may read or comment on. To have an opinion one must first experience the subject even if it is only in the peripheral. If you are never exposed to a germ, that germ can become paralyzingly dangerous. Minor exposure can sometimes give immunity.
Public Reviews
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Review of BANG!  
Review by Joey's Spri...
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Yes, this is bad---Badass! I hope you win this a great bad story!
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Review of The Soup  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)

Hoot, hoot, yes, what a howl this is. I did not see this one coming, it sort of limped in on me!

Well done, I say first, rate. Though, I could spot a place or two that could have lent themselves to a bit more fun. I mean it was a quite telling not that it's bad when you are trying to stay in a tiny word count. (I have trouble coming up with titles in under 500 words)

But Will, old boy, Stanley is eating soup. Where else is there a better time to use the word "slurp" put some quotation marks around a quick pair with an EM-dash in between, and you have a great showy you know "Slurp---slurp" I know it's much more than "sucked" but think of the sound effect you plant in the reader's head. you could make it a second time later as a single "slurp" as the waitress limps by to add even more drama and suspense.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Ah, VOX, this is a very sweet little piece of work. I found it as a highlighted item in Dawn Embers 's Newsletter "When to Edit that Fantasy Story"

I found your story item quite inspired. You show a good bit of talent, and I think one day, that if you should choose to do so, you could become well known. If not to the world at large. Then, at the least beloved here in WDC.

As a young man, I never found much delight in flights of fantasy. It was not until ten years ago, at age 50, that my writing instructor assigned our class a writing project prompt, "How to Kill a Dragon." From that project my adventure began. Since that time, I have written three novels and hundreds of shorts in the genre. I have spent countless hours on research and trying to learn the keys to writing a good story.

Now, why do I tell you this? The answer is quite simple. Had I started writing when I was as young as the photo I see in your portfolio, with the talent shown in this short tale. Oh, there would be no accounting for my fame and wealth i might hold today. This is a wonderful little story and as you profess in your intro-Bio, very much out of the Box.

Of course, in spite of your desire to be unconventional, there are a few issues that you might want to consider. Like the direction, your writing will pursue; whether your writing is to appeal to the literary fan, or the commercial fan. (Of course, you can ignore both and simply write for your own entertainment.)

However if you think you might want to be, one day, acclaimed as a renown author. (Something I believe entirely possible.) Then, I submit for your consideration that there are conventions that must be observed.

As you noted in your bio, the world is a series of boxes. If you do not allow the folks that control the order of things some handle, some shape, to place and order you writing. Then they will do as they have always done and ignore you.

Publishing editors of today, Are looking very hard for people who write with fresh ideas, they are fine if you refuse to be confined in a square box, they are okay if the dimensions of your writing form a round or oval, it can even be heptagon, star or heart shaped. But there must be a form none-they-less.

This story has much in the way of rhythm, rhyme, and alliteration. Yet it is not a poem, which in today's market severely limits its market segments. (If that matters) I think if you choose to retain that trait, then your story might benefit from a reduction in redundancy and perhaps you might look for more out of the box descriptors. Although I would advise caution not to let this piece become purple pose.

I could make you a five-page list of things I would change, but then it would be my story and not yours and that would suck! No, if there is to be anything altered it must come from the flight of your fingers across the keyboard keys.

So, you may say, "Joey WTF are you blabbering about?" Well If it were my story and I was of a mind to make changes. I would go back through the story, scene by scene. However, I would try very hard to put myself inside the tiny little fairy. I would look for a place I might one night lay on my back and see the sky through her eyes. I would spend time finding ways that I could experience her world.

I would ask myself as that fairy, "Where is this tree that I live in? If it is in a tiny land, a tiny forest, is that in a back yard, or perhaps beside a stream in a busy city park. I might ask myself if all is tiny how can the tree be so grand, is this not a contradiction in descriptions.

What am I seeing, hearing, what is that I feel against my skin." I might think about the flavor of the tears on my cheeks. What about the scent of the blossoms in the tree, or I might wonder does walnut oil smell.

Then, I would look to see if my story had any place that my new perspective; that new person I was; after breathing with her lungs, listening to her heart beat inside my chest. If after touching her soul and letting it lay intertwined beside my own. I would ask myself what is different this time, what did I miss showing to my readers?

Or you can say, "Joey--you old baboon, what do you know of anything, please sit down and be quiet," or perhaps "Go away, eat worms and die." I swear dear miss, you would not be the first, nor do I suspect that last. So often, this has happened, that my skin is like that of the Rhino. But lucky for me I do not grow a magic horn above my nose, So the poachers they do not hunt me.
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Review of Little Green Men  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very Rich, full of vivid imagination---it was so easy to see the fun you were having as you wrote this.

When LightSpeed Magazine opens their spring submissions you should send this in. It is just the right kind of silly to cross over any genre.

I saw not a single word that gave me pause to think of changing anything.

Well done, my friend, well done indeed! (I am told that redundancy is permissible for dramatic effect.) So, I say again, WEll DONE!
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Review of Randoms by Rach  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Rach,

Your family gatherings sound very much like those shared by many of the old families of Yore. Where everyone looked to them with simultaneous vigor and trepidation. Just attending the events can be a wealth of material for a writer’s imagination. There will be dozens of enchantments, and quirks for your story characters, all milling around waiting for you to take notice of them.

But your thoughts of taking and sharing your writing works at your gathering are a result of your need for validation. Wait, wait, don’t freak out, validation is the natural evolution of a writer. We all work on our craft, honing our skills until we reach a point where we need to know for sure that we are heading in the right direction. Else, we cannot go to the next level. Getting validation is a requirement of a writer at each step in their progression into becoming an author. And no matter what we may say or write to the contrary, if we write, it is with that goal in mind! However secreted it may be!

With all this intellectually cataloged, you are heading into a situation that is fraught with danger for your psyche. Please remember the 8th rule in writing, “Just as only a mother can understand the pain and joys of childbirth, only another writer can understand the amount of time, blood, tears, and soul wrenching that is poured upon your pages.” (And I bet you thought ‘blotter’ referred to the removal of excess ink in the days of quills. No, they were to catch the writer’s blood and tears. Being able to dab the errant puddle of ink was always a happy coincidence.)

But much like the dilemma of Heller’s John Yossarian there is a catch. You cannot get the fellow writers accolades because he is so busy trying to get his own validation. So naturally we turn to our next logical alternative, our families, people who we know love us. Sharing your writing with family is a minefield as any fellow writer of experience can impart. Before you do this and I am not suggesting that you don’t. I advise your perusal of the wonderful insight and artistry of Winnie Kay in her contribution: The Isolated Artistry of Writing and the Desire for Validation. In http://www.writing.com/main/books/entry_id/840056

(As a side note, I hope when she sees my tag of her that, Ms. Winnie would consider reclaiming her article from the now defunct newsletter and post it in her port.)

After reading Winnie’s story and wonderful column you may be better armed or more correctly said, ‘armored’ to share your work with family. So when you find the copies of your most endearing story of Aunty May, stained with oily spots from the pan of fried chicken that was sat upon it. You will know that it is not a matter of your story’s worth or artistry, but the fact that rule #8 is always in place.

It’s not that they don’t care about your feelings. No, they are busy trying to convince Uncle Bob that they are not still delinquents, and that he should stop advising grandmother to cut them out of her Will. Most see your story the same way you see your cousin Tom’s showing off of his hot-rod’s new paint-job. You will not know, or have heard him talk about the months of overtime, he had to endure, in order to afford, its special ordered, custom formulated, magic, color changing, paint.
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Review of Busted  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)


Dear Rachel,

I found my way to this item from your newsfeed, and you should know that it was your title that garnished enough curiosity in me to force my hand to click on the link.

'Busted' was a furiously, delightful romp and well deserving of its recognition. It brings forth the emotions of our youth when we got caught with our hand in the cookie jar. (or having one of our father's hidden magazines found under our mattress.) Yes, we felt guilty, but the reward for the misdeed was most often worth it.

As it is difficult for a portrait painter to render a vibrant depiction upon canvas with a limit upon the colors allowed on their palette or a restriction to the number of brush strokes granted.

It is equally problematic for an author to craft an image inside the mind of their reader with restrictions upon their word counts. However, because words, the writer's oil, and brush, can hold so many differing nuances, perhaps we have the advantage? A consummate writer, much like the old masters of the Renaissance usually spend a lifetime on learning their art.

Yes, there are the occasional prodigies the likes of Adora Lily Svitak https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adora_Svitak. But most of us need many goodly numbered summers before we become able to write with. "childish" thinking: bold ideas and wild creativity, to borrow the words this young woman. I think your effort with 'Busted' is an excellent example of wild creativity, and I look forward to reading yours works of the future. At a mere 30 summers of age, you exhibit more talent than many of us twice your senior. Well done, Well done indeed!

Joey

P.S.
Hee, hee, I am sure that the many members of the GAPP (Grammar and Punctuation Police). Will have sent you notice of the two missing commas after box, and bite, so I will not mention them.
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Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi Steph,

I arrived here from your newsfeed announcement of its posting. I read through your story several times just to get its full flavor well sampled. I should tell you that I am not a follower of sweet romance, though, if you promise not to tell anyone, I will confess to reading four or five as research. (I have read books in most all the genres as part of my education on our art.)

As an accomplished author, you will be no stranger to critical reviews. I hope that, like me, you may prefer the more critical critiques, (if they are meant constructively) over the fluff pieces sent to us to garner favor. In the spirit of promoting the idea that we can improve our works by examining the work of others, I offer some thought on your story.

I will offer one more note on my credibility, or lack thereof, depending on one's perspective. Most all the items in my port are several years old and fail to demonstrate the things I have learned over the last few years. I keep telling myself that I need to edit them or replace them. But, I am always working on something that seems more important. (Like reading the works of talented writers like you.

"Okay on with the show." I understand this is just an excerpt from a larger story. And I am assuming that as part of a series, many questions one might have, are answered later in this book, or are common knowledge to the series followers. Consequently, I will not dwell on issues with plot or story line because I would not expect to see their nuances' in such a small sample.

If you forgive me for generalizations, I will offer that your tale was entertaining. I was able to follow and understand the action without any difficulty. I liked the mix and flow of your narration vs. dialog and found the pacing it provided, made the story a quick read. The character names were easy to pronounce and did not offer any confusion. Though, there is one point I noticed that might provide you an idea for change.

I recently attended a dinner "meet and greet" with Steven King, one of his discussion points was about the use of names and their variants in a story. He admonished us to not give names to bit players unless they are going to die in some spectacular way that we might reference later in the story. He also cautioned us about giving more than one name to a character. Of course, then he included the third rule in fiction writing;

Rule #3, there are exceptions to every rule.

He reiterated and reinforced many things that I had learned from reading and listening to other popular authors. That sometimes it's okay if a character has different names but that if we use this exception that we must be very careful to ensure consistency.

I didn't have trouble knowing that Jack and Jax is the same person. But your narrator used both names in referencing to him. I believe that by allowing the narrator to do so is a missed opportunity. Using differing variants of character's name can often help the reader discern who is speaking. If your narrator only used Jack, and Sophia only used Jax it helps signal to the reader who is talking without needing any monikers or dialog tags.

I think you could carry this further with Lord Ridgecroft. The stereotypical image of noblemen comes with an aristocratic air. They seldom use nicknames or contractions. So, if Lord Ridgecroft only used Jackson when he addressed or referred to Jax, then you would now have three distinct characters with identifying speech patterns that the reader would pick up on very quickly.

I think removing any contractions from Lord Ridgecroft would also improve his individuality from the other characters. I do not mean that you did poorly in this area. On the contrary, I only offer my comment as the small nuances of specific name usage could help even more.

On the subject of dialog tags, I did notice a few telling smiles. Which New York literary agent Noah Lukeman, author of (The First Five Pages,) notes as one of the most common reasons used by the mainstream publishers for rejecting a manuscript. Smiles find their way into my work as if they were the rain, and I was writing in my open front yard. I try to sponge them up in my edits, or if I must have a tag, which I don't want to use the word said. I try to change the smiles from tell to show.

Note, I am not beating you up about tells. I believe that the 'Tell' is as important a tool in writing as Show. There, just needs to be a balance. Unfortunately, that balance is always a subjective thing. That is why many reviewers drag it out as an example when they can't think of anything else to say.

With the above disclaimer pronounced, I noticed in places that your narrator uses some tells for the characters. I have found that I get better acceptance from my reviewers when I deny my narrators these things. I try not to let them tell a reader what a character is thinking, or believes. I make the characters show these things. I once read from a George Orwell interview where he suggests that keeping the point of view straight is often improved by keeping the narrator out of the characters heads. Again, I agree with his advise, and believe this can further help the reader know who's talking.

One of the biggest flaws in my writing is being more concise. I try to say more with fewer words, but often I am cursed with a purple pose. I am told by many of my mentors that this is fine in my drafts; it can help one remember the emotion that the character was feeling or the mood the environment embodied. However, it means in my edits, I most watch close for redundancies, extra adverbs, and darlings that should be murdered.

Keeping in mind that your posting is an early draft I will not point to every issue in line by line edits. However, I did notice several opportunities where you could save on the word count. (Hah, is this not a case of "The pot calling the kettle black". I know we are not supposed to use idioms like this. But I was just working on a project and did some research on this one's origin from an old poem from 1876. Thus, it fit well in my thoughts as I cautioned you on being concise.)

Here are a few examples you may find helpful:

A cool breeze bushed against the nape of her neck. Nape and neck mean the same, this is another misused cliche And should 'bushed' be 'brushed.'

Sophia's heart belonged to Jax. He was a metalsmith from this time period, possessing a sharp wit and a quick mind. 'Time period' is redundant, I think you could use 'period' alone or perhaps: 'He was an 1876 metal-smith, with a rapier wit.' I also felt like Sharp wit and quick mind shared the same meaning.

'Her inner courage, strength, and resolve were going to be tested like they never had before and she hoped she wouldn't let the others down.' Here, I also see redundancy, as inner courage, strength, and resolve, all can mean the same thing unless you mean strength in a physical sense. How about: She knew her resolve would be sorely tested, "Oh please Lord don't let me fail them."

Jax reached him. 'His hand is caught in some type of trap." Here my issue is with the phrase 'some type of' I think it is unnecessary. Maybe simplify the statement: "His hand is caught in a trap."

You add more to the redundancy factor, several sentences later where you wrote: Jeeves raced toward them, holding a kerosene lantern, Lady Charlotte on his heels. Sophia fell in step next to Jeeves. Jax knelt next to Lord Ridgecroft. His hand appeared caught in some type of mousetrap. Lord Ridgecroft grimaced. This is almost and an exact repeat of the first statement. We already know that Gus is caught in a trap, Plus, Jax is already kneeling beside Ridgecroft, and I also thought the ladies procession seemed awkward. How about: Jeeves held up a kerosene lantern then rushed toward his employer. Lady Charlotte and Sophia followed on the butlers heels. With the lantern's arrival, Jack saw the deep furrows in Ridgecroft's brow.

Please forgive my playing Jack Patterson and rewriting your pose as if I were talented. But I don't know how better to try and explain what I felt when I read the original lines.

I believe you did very well concerning overused words. The only one from my list that I saw pushing the envelope; was the 'knew/know' variant. You had seven of them in these few pages. You might cut one or two.

Your pronoun usage rate was very good as well. However, maybe the 'it/there' variant was getting close, I counted 26 uses. Maybe you might exchange a few 'it' for their proper name. Your Initial pronoun percentage was high at (36.1%.) The target given to me in my writing classes is listed as 0%-30% Perhaps you might exchange a few He's and She's for character names.

I noted in your Bio that you are a northern neighbor, one of those former subjects of the Queen. So the use of Grey vs. Gray and Mum vs. Mom could be moot, save for the fact that you used America English spellings for traveling, recognized, traveled, disheveled, and realizing. Copy editors will gig you for this inconsistency. Many consider it bad form to mix spelling styles. They want us to use either the Queen's tongue or the Yanks slur. (And I thought that war was over 200 years ago. Being an engineer, I get hung on mixing metric and American standard in my references to measurements.)

Other SPAG issues: (Now please, forgive me, if I misread a few rules from Ms. Winnie's Comma class. Though, I managed to pass it was only with extra credit.)

Here are a few tweaks that I saw or think I saw:

Late September, 1855 no comma is needed after September.

Sophia scrambled to her feet, unsure of her surroundings, though she believed they landed in the spot they had left from- It appears that you have an unnecessary comma before the dependent clause marker, 'though'. Consider removing the comma.

Jax and Jeeves helped him to his feet and they proceeded down a dirt path toward the townhouse door. It appears that you are missing a comma before the coordinating conjunction and in a compound sentence. Consider adding a comma.

They proceeded into the townhouse from the garden and Lady Charlotte led them into the study. It appears that you are missing a comma before the coordinating conjunction and in a compound sentence. Consider adding a comma.

Sophia suspected his motives weren't quite so noble. It appears that this sentence includes an incomplete comparison. Consider rewriting it. A true comparison requires two or more items to be compared. Informally or conversationally, incomplete comparisons are common. In more formal writing, it is best to complete the comparison. One thing is bigger, taller, or more than another thing. The word so is often used informally to mean very (He is so big.) Formally, so should be paired with the word that (He is so big that he doesn't fit in the seat.) to complete the comparison.

I believe that you could fix the above, and improved sentence readability if you cut the quite so, maybe like this: Sophia suspected his motives weren't noble. Or Sophia suspected his motives were less than noble.

He said Lady Jocelyn and the new Lord wanted some time to themselves and he let them use his townhouse. It appears that you are missing a comma before the coordinating conjunction

-he was going to Croatia, which in this time, was in the Austrian Empire. And there was only reason to go to Croatia - Nikola Tesla. Here, I think readability is an issue. Maybe you might do something like: -he was going to Croatia, and the only reason to go to the 1855 Austrian Empire was - Nikola Tesla.

Now they were gone and everyone gathered here was looking to her to make decisive, firm choices and to lead them. It appears that you are missing a comma before gone, and the coordinating conjunction in this compound sentence.

Her inner courage, strength, and resolve were going to be tested like they never had before and she hoped she wouldn't let the others down. We already talked about this sentence once, but if you leave it stand as is, it appears that you are missing a comma before the word 'before', and the coordinating conjunction.

"I know it sound fantastical--" Gus continued. sound -> sounds. It appears that the subject pronoun it and the verb sound are not in agreement.

Well now, I am at 2,400 plus words, and you are most likely looking for the delete key. (Not to mention the directions on how to block me from ever seeing your portfolio again.) But, I swear I loved your work, these small things I mentioned take nothing from the imagination, fun, and creative foreshadowing for the rest of the story. I hope you can find something useful in my ramblings. And maybe if you don't truly hate me, you will let be abuse you again in the near future.

Joey C
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Review of Spider Wars  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there Choconut ~ House Targaryen

I was cruising the newsfeeds when I saw your post about Spider-wars.

Being a country boy, I grew up in the woods, and I have few fears in this world. I don't mind snakes, bats, wild pigs, ravenous foxes, squirrels, worms, bugs of most kinds, or even encounters with the occasional random raccoon.

However, long time ago, at eleven years old, much like the girl Ann, the youngster from your book the ‘Famous Five.’ I too awoke, one morning, with a feather like brush upon my face.

My reaction was automatic, my hand twisted from the covers and swept across my cheek. But to my surprise, I felt something move to my lips and transfer to my hand. I froze and opened my eyes to find the largest spider I had ever seen, sitting on my motionless hand, there staring intently at me. He unceremoniously taunted me by performing a shuffle like dance, a kind of up and down push-up, daring me to make the next move.

There was no doubt in my mind that he intended to inflect the most deadly of bites as soon as I engaged in the slightest motion. However, luckily for me, he wasn’t watching my other hand. With lightning speed; I slipped it from beneath the blanket and flicked him across the room where he hit the wall with a solid splat. But, like all arachnids he was a durable sod. They are immune to poisons, they can withstand falls greater than a hundred meters, and are most often unscathed by a passing brush of branch or hand. No, unless one catches them between the heel of a boot and a solid floor or bolder. It is unlikely that they should be harmed. The beast, in this case, picked himself up and scampered into my closet. Out of sight was not out of mind for me. Though, I never saw the beast again, I experienced dread any time I had to retrieve something from his cave, formerly known as my closet. To this day, I inspect my clothing closely before removing it from its hanger.

So, Yes, I can empathize with your morning plight, your unprovoked spider fight. I thought your imagery was delightful. How many of us have rushed headlong into the bathroom to answer the biologic urgings to relieve the pressure on our bladders? At those moments with our minds preoccupied, we miss many things. Often, to my surprise, I am greeted by an occupant who has reached the facility ahead of me. Though it is usually my wife instead of a spider, (though once there was a small snake.) I had no trouble seeing you with your PJs at the ankles, as you battled this creature of evil. Knowing these demons as I do, there was no doubt that had you not fled the room he would have latched fang and claw into your tender flesh.

Your tale, for the outsider, much like it did for your husband, held loads of good humor. Many humans have not faced one of these close encounters with these eight-legged creatures from Sheol. These non-arachnophobics have no fear, and to them, our antics to avoid the cretins are an endearing source of merriment.

I found your tale’s entertainment value a solid five-star effort. It was fun, it was endearing, it was easy to follow, and it contained the necessary true-life grit to seem a real story. Well done.

On the technical side, there were a few things that I took note of. Not that I am an expert on this. Though, after these many years of studying, I am beginning to see the issues that my instructors, mentors, and peers point out as items I need to think about in my works. Perhaps you may find them useful points to ponder for yours.

The first is my most fallible issue SPAG (Spelling, Punctuation, And Grammar) on this you again did well, at least to my weak eye. I found only one small issue in the sentence below:

Rather than run, I toppled like timber, thinking on the way down, the spider’s gona get my bare bum! I screamed some more, tried to stand, not realising my pyjamas were the mischievous imps who tripped me. I fell flat on my face again.


Taking into consideration that a yank should never be as bold as to offer advice on the Queen’s English to one of her subjects. I shall not offer comment on the differences in the spelling of ‘realizing’ vs. ‘realizing’ or pyjamas vs. pajamas. However, the use of ‘gona’ in both America and the UK is most often spelled as ‘gonna.’ While many a grammarian would chastise us for using this colloquial slang word at all, I believe that usage of slang in non-technical writing can add a flavor that invokes a sense of real world speech.

You may need a comma after (camping,) and after (me,) in your first paragraph.

Other style issues:

You wrote this in the first person point of view, which is most appropriate for this type of story. But you may want to look at one of the pitfalls of this POV that is the pronoun “I” begins many sentences. It takes a lot of work to control structure to prevent this sometimes distracting trait.

You used the words ‘it/there” 11 times and “was/were” 12 times, not that this is wrong. No set number is provided in any rule that I know of. But many of my instructors tell me that publishers count these and consider it a flaw if the number exceeds .025 percent of a page’s word count. this equates to about 2.5 times per 100 words.

I am told that we should try to limit our use of pronouns to about 10%. In this story, your usage is near 16% that may be high. You could easily bring the percentage down by changing some of the “it” referring to the spider into the words ‘ the spider’ or some phrase that proves an image of the cretin for the reader.

There may be some places where you could improve the readability by being more concise. Now, this is where you can interject a comment about me calling the kettle black; I have written almost a thousand words in review of your 419 word funny story. But that notwithstanding, in your opening I see some possibilities.

You wrote:
Before I tell this story, I think it is important to discuss my fear of spiders. It has been with me since I was a young child reading The Famous Five. There was a tiny part of one of the books where the children were camping and a spider scurried across Anne’s face. It terrified me and I’ve stayed that way ever since. Seriously, even tiny money spiders scare the bejeezus out of me. It’s so bad I can’t look at pictures of them, not even cartoon drawings. Nope. Scary little monsters, they send me into a quivering wreck.


How about something more like:
Before I tell this story, I should explain that I am deathly afraid of spiders. I have been since my childhood when I read a story about a girl camping who had a spider scurry across her face. The image of her encounter has plagued me ever since. To this day, any spider, of any size, scares the bejeezus out of me. Just a picture or cartoon can make me a quivering wreck.”


In my rendition, I tried to get to the basic point you want to provide the reader. That you are afraid of spiders, that it is a life long issue, and that fear is very deeply rooted in your psyche.

I do not believe that you need to tell your reader that you think it’s important. The fact that you are telling them should make it relevant. You go into detail about where your fear may have originated which may have value in gathering empathy from your reader. But why do they need to know the book you read or the characters name to understand the effect on you. It was the image of the spider on her face that provided the fear. So why not simply use that image. I am constantly being told to watch for redundancy in my writing, small things like “Young child,” young is not needed, child by itself tells the reader what they need to know.

Okay, I will stop now; you may think that I am picking your story apart, but that would not be my intent. I enjoyed your story and found your style and flavor for this art to be worth my revisiting your portfolio. If this were not so would anyone in his right mind spend as must time sharing thoughts on it as I have? I hope there is something worth your time contained within this note. If not, there is always the delete button. It can be found when you right click after selecting the document. It's okay to use, it is only a rumor that it releases the spiders that live in the back of the computer desk.

Joey C.
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Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wow, I sent you a reply; to your email reply; to my welcoming email, before, I revisited your portfolio (hee,hee, if that isn't a brain teaser)

I am embarrassed, I suggested that you be brave, dive in to the WDC waters, and post something. And here you go, not only did you already take the leap, but instead of using the poolside springboard. You jumped in from the 3 meter platform.

What a great starter piece. If this is a taste of what you can dish, then you will go far here on WDC. Well done.

Okay, that's three notes from me, in two days, I will leave you be for awhile unless you need something.
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Review of Poem II  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Nashpaty,

A while back you had asked for a review. Unfortunately I have been out of town and I am woefully behind in answering emails and requests for reviews. Now I start clearing my inbox and find your gracious request. I pray you will forgive my ill manner and tardiness in my reply.

Oh wow, a poem, Be warned that I know even less then nothing about poetry! I have read a few that I could identify with some that had the means to touch a nerve. but the trouble is this art is much like the others, it is best appreciated by its practitioners for they are the ones that study form and structure. They understand the complexities of balance and the steps needed in a poem's rhythm.

While I can only comment on the feelings they may inspire. So my praise or damnation can carry no weight as to determining the worth or scholarship of any given work, whither the poetic sampling be from the rankest amateur or a world renown laureate.

With all that said, I will offer that your poem is a good statement on live, we spend our youth waiting to become adults, pent on enjoying all those preconceived ideas of true freedom. We dream of taking charge of our own destiny only to find that we must exchange one set of parental guardians for the guiding hand of our society. And with that new set of rules we find ourselves yearning for those days of our youth when we had freedom but couldn't recognizes it. How sad it is when we discover that we can't go back, that we must move on. Yes, your poem is quite right, perhaps you should title it "Youth is wasted on the young."

Thanks for asking my opinion, I hope my observation provided any insights. I enjoyed sharing this time with you.

Joey


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for entry "Invalid Entry" 
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi JJ,

The Disclaimer:
In general, I hate templates. But for the sake of brevity, I have decided to use one. At least, this bare-bones layout that hopefully will provide worthwhile feedback without predetermining the outcome of the review with a set structure or agenda, (I give into this template idea if for no better reason than to reduce my typing of this disclaimer.)

There are no experts in creative writing, there are people with some experience, and folks like me who have been studying the subject for some time. This art-form is totally subjective, and my opinions are meant to show you how I perceived your work. I make no assertions as to the correctness of any statement as most are based on information I have learned from the so-called experts. (So … it’s all subject to be wrong.)

Unless someone has requested something specific in a review, I usually wait until after I have read their posting several times before deciding what to comment about. I want folks to feel like I took the time to create a review that is unique to them and without some preset agenda. (I don’t want you to feel like I provided you an off the shelf, generic labeled can of English peas.)

Why this story?
Some of my learned contemporaries insist that we should include an explanation as to how we chose your work. In this case, it is unnecessary as you are the one who requested the review. But to show some solidarity with my reviewing cohorts, I have included the reason for this review so that others can understand how easy it is, to be used, and abused by their fellow writers. Getting reviews is not hard, just request one.

You asked for a review, not a copy-edit, so that is what I will try to provide, emotions and observations about the story. No editing concerns. (Not much need to worry about that in the beginning draft stage.) This is the end of the template.

First an apology:
I pray you will forgive my tardiness in getting this requested review to you. I would offer an explanation for its lateness, but they would provide nothing in the way of relief for my ill manners. But know that I am repentant for its delayed arrival all the same.

I read the first three chapters and will read more over the next few days. But you are already aware of how far I am behind in my forum obligations. So, I ask further forgiveness if I can not get back to the remaining five chapters you have posted until after I have tried to answer some of my other forum requests and obligations.

What I got from your story:

Well, to use the old idiom. "This is a fine kettle of fish if I ever saw one."

So far, in the first three chapters you provided the makings of an interesting tale of intrigue. A girl with rare genes, a propensity for violence, (I say this because she sleeps with a pistol holstered to her bed post … it’s not in the nightstand drawer, where most conservative women keep their weapons.) Her disquieting nature may be learned as a necessary protection from her father’s gallivanting allover hell’s half-acre with her, when she was his small child, clinging to his shirt-tails, and I understood this as an answer to his deep depression over her mother’s death. It is interesting that still after his own death he remains a functional ancillary influence on her psyche. Now, you add in her very troubling dreams (you said she called these traumas; “events”) which are possibly linked to her condition, or are there more sinister forces at work that we are not aware of yet.

Then, we meet the colonel. If ever there was a fellow that was carrying a full lot of trouble; it is he. Once a note-worthy solider, now a clandestine, officially sanctioned mercenary for the behind the scenes government that works to protect us from ourselves and our inability to handle the truth. It seems he is a wounded man in both spirit and body; perplexed to be an assassin with a troubled conscience. And why not, he apparently has been very good at being a bad man, or at least at doing the things his government has asked him to do in the name of the greater good. (Is that a contradiction, or, is that just the normal definition of our modern government? I wonder if the NSA will take note of my seemingly disparaging comment.)

Now, you throw into that mix, the tale of a mystic island set on the northern-most edge of the great Pacific Rim. An island held separated from our possible conquest by a mysterious invisible and origin unknown force-field. Dare I not be intrigued that our heroine in her epileptic fits has a hinting of some force calling her to that sinister, danger packed place? And of course it is dangerous; why else would our government work so hard to keep its existence secret and its access forbidden?

You packed a ton of insight in these first three chapters, (not counting the short Prologue) and although the concept of mysterious alien artifacts calling humans into their influence is not entirely original, the box office successes of like stories prove it is popular enough to be palatable for the taste of Sci-Fi junkies like me.

I found the description of Merci's condition (if we wrongfully to label it as such,) very good I liked the concept and explanation of it. I found it very understandable and plausible.

I liked the fact that you are not writing this as a young adult story and found the implied sense that Merci is a naturist with her uninhibited musing at her naked form reflected in the windows. I found her flower watering a complete hoot. But then, I am of your generation and find it appealing to reflect upon those days where we rejected the societal constraints of propriety and embraced the idea that love and love making should be free of embarrassment. Though Merci being a child of even the early eighties; would make her parents very late bloomers in the age of flower power, it is still fun to be of that generation.

I was not abashed by her or Colonel Sam Remy’s propensity for gruff language. And clearly the depictions at the beginning of chapter two (Dead Soldiers,) are well beyond appropriate for the young or the squeamish. This is an adult story with so far minor nudity, extreme violence, and what some may describe as harsh language. (Though, these days it is not at all uncommon to hear it spoken by a ten year-old on our inner city streets.)

Okay, perhaps that will give you some idea of what I saw as your presentation of a plot line. I know it’s not a line by line analysis of what I took from your story, or what I thought you were trying to portray. But I find that, in the reviews that I receive, it's the ones that tell me that my reader got the basics the most helpful. I need to know that they have an overall picture of what is about to unfold and that I didn't miss giving them some important fact that will cause confusion later in the story. I hope my discourse here gives you some sense that you are getting your story points across as you planned.

On to some more observations:

You used a prologue: I know there are a number of points of view on this particular subject. I have seen many in the classics, but much fewer in our more modern works and that may be due to the prevailing wisdom of agents and publishing editor’s claims of their lack of value. I don’t always agree with their assessments, and there are some examples that I think show the power of these devices.

Here is one that I have used before:

Kilimanjaro is a snow-covered mountain 19,710 feet high and is said to be the highest mountain in Africa. Its western summit is called the Masai "Ngaje Ngai," the House of God. Close to the western summit there is the dried and frozen carcass of a leopard. No one has explained what the leopard was seeking at that altitude.


This is the opening text in Hemingway's short story ‘The Snows of Kilimanjaro'. It appears before the title and is not related to the story in any way, or at least not directly. Most publishing editor today would advise that it provides no value and should be cut from the story. Yet with but 58 words before one even gets to the title… Mr. Hemingway takes you to Africa, puts you on the side of a mystic mountain and plants an idea of death in our minds. If you haven't read this story, here's a link "Snows of Kilimanjaro"  you may be like me, and not find anyplace in the story that the information and mood setting of his prologue (even though he did not label it as such.) could have been better stated. But in today markets a prologue is almost instant cause for rejection. However, I believe that we can get away with their use if we use them wisely. I have by way of my own research come up with a list for their use or exclusion:

•Use only if information is needed that cannot be told in the story elsewhere.
•They should not be used as a hook, that’s what the first sentence of chapter one is for.
•They often work if giving the story narrator’s voice an identity is important.
•They must be short.
•They must never be redundant. Meaning they cannot say something that the reader will find out later in the story.
•They do work to explain very long gaps in time.
•And of course we can use Hemingway's trick and not label them as a prologue.


With this all said, I offer that nothing in your prologue is a call to war, it is more the jacket cover preview (I know that's what the literal definition of the prologue is. But that was its purpose in the 15th century before they printed programs for the stage.) When used as a preview, they become a commercial and that maybe what truly turns the modern publisher off. Inside the covers of our books is one last place we don't have to put up with commercials. I believe everything in your Prologue would fit easily into the body of the story.

The Tell:

Now, I can hear you now. “Oh my god, is he really going to drag out this reviewers mantra?”

JJ, I do realize that this is your first draft and that you haven't even come close to the end of the story. That is why S.P.A.G. and "Telling" are not staggering issues at this stage of the game. But I more than once, started to feel bored and was tempted to skip a sentence or two to get to the meat of the story. I have been told more than once this same thing about my own stories. They tell me that it is a sign that we are not being concise, or that we are telling too much. To that end, I think we share more than being part of the baby boomer generation.

I think there are tons of places that you can use ‘Show' very effectively to set a mood, the scene, or give us insight into character personality. I very much suggest that you may want to add more show when you finally get to the revision stage of the story. I am not going to start giving examples because it is obvious you understand Show vs. Tell, you use it in your story. What I am suggesting is that you use it a bit more. I found that in my own works where I used an ebb and flow system, like waves at the beach, I have been more successful. However I think the key is the randomness of these waves. Just like at the beach waves are not always predictable they come in differing series, some are low, some are wide, and some are towering swells that provide an excitement that seem better experienced than described. I think our Show vs. Tell tactics should mimic those flow patterns. Of course, I don’t know how well this analogy works for someone living in Alaska. The closest I have even gotten to your neck of the woods is Bellingham Washington. And my visit to their beach was in March, so I did not get an overwhelming desire to jump in and play in the surf.

May I share the best Quote I have received from a successful author?
I am lucky in that I am able to attend lectures and literary events to hear advice and interact with some of our best known authors and so called experts. This past February of 2013 I was privileged to have been at Detroit's Mercy University there to attend one of the last lectures of Elmore Leonard. In that lecture, someone asked him if he could give only one piece of advice to new writers what would that advice be. He said that just one piece of advice would do us little good and that he wouldn't know for sure what to say, but if pressed to just one lesson that helped him in his writing it would be; "Always leave out the stuff people skip over."

This is a repeated theme I have heard from many different Authors, although I think Steven King is the only one to admit he took the saying from Elmore Leonard. King does expound on the idea in much more detail than Mr. Leonard does. He explains that while he knows every detail about every character in one of his stories, it is not necessary for his readers to have the same level of understanding. He says if some person, place or thing is not absolutely necessary to the story leave them out. He said never give a name to an ancillary character unless the hero is going to kill or make love to them. Meaning if the only job of the postman is to deliver the mail? Then his name can be simply be the Postman.

Killing our darlings and being concise:
To this end I felt there were many places in your story that provided too much information. Sometimes information may be essential to make the scene real for you. But if it doesn’t move the story forward it is often a distraction for us the reader. Here is just one small example; where you explain how Mercedes gets her name.

Merci had no real memories of her mother, only faded glimpses, moments in time, tending the vegetable garden next to the barn, in the greenhouse collecting the evening salad, sitting by the fireplace, reading to Merci from an illustrated story book. Her father had told her about his unrequited love for Sara Pleasant on several occasions, the most revealing while camping in the kakadu National Preserve in Northern Australia. In the flickering light of the campfire, seven year old Merci learned she was born in the back of a pre-war psychedelia splattered Mercedes Benz urban-bus during the San Bernardino music festival of 1983. Before the ambulance arrived, two of Sara’s closest friends, who had minutes before saturated the bus in an aromatic haze of Panama Red, had to become giggly mid-wives. Lucky for Sara, her two pot-addled friends were daughters of a pediatric nurse, and bringing a baby into the world was all in a days work. Her father had witnessed the entire event with mouth agape, holding Sara’s hands while the two jabbering flower children gently coaxed Merci from her mother’s womb. Sara had whispered her name only moments after Merci’s first breaths. Mercedes, an obvious choice given the place of her birth, and Asteria for the Greek Goddess of the stars and planets, stargazing being one of Sara’s favorite past times.



Would it make any difference if you left out the information about the girls who delivered her or that their mother was a nurse, and how does that information qualify them to deliver a baby anyway? The whole scene (at least to me) was out of place and tells us about her parents who are both dead. What does this do for the story in Merci’s present day life? It doesn’t move the story forward it is a sweet and funny antidote but not essential, it is what we must learn to recognize as a darling, and it is important to kill our darlings. Again that is just one example. I think there are many more that you might want to ask that same question about. Is it germane to the story, is it a darling, filler fluff, or just mood setting. That is not to say the setting a mood is not essential. But I think it is only necessary if it is needed to explain why a character might do something out of their nature. If their reaction is predictable then the reader well see the punch or face slap coming and you don't need to set the mood, you simply have the action followed by the reaction that is the definition of conflict.

Which brings me to that subject, conflict! While you have a long ways to go before you are into the meat of the story, every chapter must have conflict to keep the reader involved. Without this story element, they will not stay. I think in this beginning you have a ton of conflict even if they are personal demons that these two heroes must wrestle with, but you must, (like me,) remember that every action must have a reaction to filling the role as conflict. Even if the action is only a thought it must have a reaction, either as physical action, verbal, or a mental equivalent.

I say this because Sam has his demons, yet his conflict with them is not as evident as they could be. What are the reactions to his attacks of conscience? You furnished one, he went back to find the source of the children’s voices he heard and he got his leg blown off for his efforts. But then, you let the others on the team off without any consequences, I mean really, two of them retire, and the powers-that-be shelf the remaining team. The death in combat of a dozen children ages 5 to 14 is a major conflict with our human sensibilities and yet the reaction to the event seemed far less equal to the conflict initiator. I think having a major unresolved conflict issue is a problem for most readers and we should be careful to keep a reasonable balance. That is, unless the disproportional response is part of the conflict design. Is this one of Sam’s issues, one of his demons, to fester inside, and continue to grow unresolved until later? Is he to lament over why they did not tell him there were children in the house he was sent to blow up? If not then why give the details at all other then to explain his missing leg.

A closing, Sort of:
JJ do not take a single word of this review as being negative that is not the case at all. I mentioned observation based on my own experiences, and they mean nothing went you measure them to your own. This is a fine story so far, and I really do look forward to reading more and to seeing where you are going to take us. And again, I cannot emphasize how little my observations mean when you haven't gotten past chapter eight in the story. Even the shortest Sci-Fi novel makes it to ninety-thousand words, and it’s much more common for them to be a hundred-fifteen to hundred-forty-thousand words. Until then, I wouldn’t pay much attention to any think people might say to you. Keep plugging away until you get close to that point you think you could let your agent make you type the words “The End.”

That’s one more thing Steven King said, he never finished a story, he just had to stop so he could sell something to pay the electric bill. But until then, I offer that every time I open one of my stories I find something I want to change. Many times I find people's suggestions or critiques meaningless as I find I have rewritten or even deleted whole chapters. My best used key, on my computer, is the delete button.

Now, there is a lot to praise in this story. I liked the plot and the characters immensely, so I give it a 4.0 for the artistic value. However, I think that today's editors would think that in its present status it was full of opportunities for improvement in style and technique. I guess, I will be harsh by some folks standards and rate it with a 3.0 But that is not fair as it is obvious you are still writing the story and not yet started your rewrites. I imagine it's good that the rating system doesn't mean much except to our egos. And I believe that if we stay at this writing thing long enough we learn to mask them. The over all rating comes out to a 3.5 not bad for a store still in the the draft.

Anyway, I hope there is something contained within these ramblings that you find interesting and maybe even thought provoking. I understand we all pour souls into our stories, and they become as protected as our children. But if you are a father you will understand sometime our kids need a thump to get their attention. It never means we don't love them. No, quite the contrary, we find it very easy to ignore children we do not care about.

These thoughts notwithstanding … don’t worry; the delete button will work fine on your PC. Also I am an engineer by training, so I am used to being called less than intelligent. And I understand if you should think I would look good in the funny papers. (Those, not of our generation might not understand the reference, but perhaps it will give them some entertainment to look it up.)

Best of the day sir,

Joey C.

Quills Sig
Image created by YellowWitch!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Sam,

Thanks for asking me to look at your story; it is always a nice boost to ones ego to have someone ask for an opinion.

Per your request, I looked at "Working Title Prologue/Chapter 1"  and below are my impressions. I am also going to submit this effort in my reviewing groups name as well "Invalid Item"  is a great group of folks and I don't turn in enough reviews to warrant their keeping me.

However, before we begin, I have not yet had the privilege of reviewing you so perhaps a quick introduction is in order. Or at least an explanation of how I tend to organize my reviews.

Why I do it this way

I don't usually rely on templates, I think they tend to predetermine the direction and scope of a review. I also find that template reviews are less than fresh, they become soft and mushy like a can of English peas. (They're fine for soup, but much to bland for my taste.) I like to come to the table with a completely open mind. I like it when the menu is a surprise. I feel the same about my reviews. I don't want to be hindered by preconceived ideas about what the key talking points, or areas of interest should be.

I also believe that by writing my reviews in a letter form, the person receiving one of my review will believe that I actually read their work and took the time to compose an original reply that is, in fact, about their work and not the same droll sent out a thousand times. (Though we as writers often make the same mistakes, so there is a certain amount of redundancy in the subjects that come to the surface.) That said, I do understand the forum's love of all the colorful Html coded goodies. They believe that using these things makes the review easier to read and understand. I agree to a point so I will add some headers here and there to try to help you keep track of my ramblings.

You have not filled out much in your Bio blocks, so I don't know what your overall goals for your writing are. Therefore, I will just assume you would like to be a New York Times bestseller. (Like who wouldn't?)

There is also the prerequisite notice that we all include that reminds our reviewed that everything in this letter is just plain old personal opinion, completely subjective, as well as highly influenced by the reviewer's mood and comprehension levels at that moment. I at least once in my first review try to explain that I am not offering suggestion or correction. No, I am going to tell you what I saw, felt, and think of your work, and as best I can try to explain the reason I experienced those impressions. The idea is to let you see how your work came across to me. I hope that it will confirm for you that you are getting your planned ideas out there in the way you wanted them to be perceived.

Wow 450 words and I haven't said a damn thing about your story yet, sorry, this is the first review if you don't block me I will not feel as compelled to explain myself the next time.

On with the review:

Now keeping in mind that this is just the beginning of the story and there is a limit to how much information one can glean from one chapter. Even without looking at a genre tag, it is easy to tell that this is a fantasy/maybe supernatural story line. I thought that you provided some interesting beginnings, which were more than sufficient to promote continued reading. This is obviously a story about a family that has unnatural lifespans. Moreover, the very first thing that popped in my head (from the first paragraph) was that this is a vampire story.

You seeded in some intrigue with the bit about a missing sister, and her treasure. I think that can provide an excellent plot twist as the story goes on. At first, I thought why would someone robbing a grave take the body, and then it hit me she like her brothers didn't really die, but was resurrected, collected her own loot, and skedaddled to get away from the family. I think there is a ton of conflict that can be generated with that.

Names

I liked your name choices, picking names for characters can be very daunting, but just because I like them may not be the end of it. I read every interview of our successful authors that I can find. I attend writing seminars and read at least eight to ten books a month. From these experiences, I have heard from many that we should not use names that start with the same letter and or sound. That most readers form a mental picture of the characters from their first or second introduction, and they are identified by that image from then on. That trigger is often accomplished with the first letter of the name. Phineas, Fletcher, and Flynn are all great names, and it is not uncommon for brothers to have names that sound close together. But it has been my experience that a publishing editor would ask you to change their names.

Also, I noticed that you gave names to the children That I am assuming belong to the missing Sandra Coast. I wonder if we are going to interact with them later. I know we met Valerie in this chapter, but are we going to meet the others, are they an intricate part of the story? I ask because one of the traits we as a beginning writer often do, is give names to everyone. This makes it harder for the readers to keep people straight. Steven King says never give a name to any ancillary character that it's not necessary even if we are going to kill them. He says that unless the mailman is going to try to kill or make love to the protagonist, it is sufficient to only call him the mailman. Using professions and description is the key; the reader will understand who is in play without having to remember who they are. He says the proof is in the retelling. If you ask, someone to retell what happened in a chapter and even if, in the story, you gave the waitress a name the reader will recount the story using her profession.

A word on Prologues:

The first rule in creative writing is that there are not rules that you must follow to tell your story. There are only rules for being published. I have been playing with prologues in several on my own works. Moreover, I have been researching the subject of whether we should use them or not. (This seems to be one of those things that change every other decade.) I have found that the majority of current publisher thinking is not to use them. Yet one can't get away from the fact that they are so useful in giving the reader key information that is important to the story but may not be part of the story itself. (If that makes sense?) I find that a lot of writer these days still use them they just don't add the title of prologue. That trick as been around for some time and can set a scene for the reader early on. Here's an example from Hemingway's 1936 Snows of Kilimanjaro.

Kilimanjaro is a snow-covered mountain 19,710 feet high and is said to be the highest mountain in Africa. Its western summit is called the Masai "Ngaje Ngai," the House of God. Close to the western summit, there is the dried and frozen carcass of a leopard. No one has explained what the leopard was seeking at that altitude.


Hemingway didn't use the word prologue. This statement was just the first words atop of the page ahead of his title and the story. I am not a huge Hemingway fan, but I thought his use of this was masterful. He took us to the mountain and provided a sense of mortality before we even started. If you haven't read this story, here's a link "Snows of Kilimanjaro" 

The Reviewer's mantra

One of the things I have found very consistent in the last seven years that I have been studying creative writing is how often we hear the phrase "Show don't Tell" it seems that when a reviewer can't think of anything else to say they plug in the mantra. And the truth is we all must be mindful of too much tell. However, here is the Kicker! I think you need tells as much as you need show. They are equal in value in a story. And as such, you need to use them at the right times. This first draft is very telling, more so than I think the newer standards we are held to would allow.


But not to worry, all first drafts are heavy with tell, we are inventing, developing, exploring the story. The fastest way to do that is with the 'tell.' I am just now after seven years starting to grasp the concept. Now, after I get the story down, I go back and visit each paragraph looking at flow and opportunities to add show without making it seem artificial. I have discovered that the authors I like best, tend to use ebb and flow of show and tell much like waves at the beach. The mix is random and unpredictable. In addition, I like being hit once in a while by a big wave. But if it starts getting to rough I get out, to calm, and I go do something else like hunt shells. We don't want our readers getting out of the water.


I can't tell you how or when to use show over tell, and I think anyone who tries to do so is fooling themselves. That's the second rule in creative writing, there are no experts, only a few lucky folk with some experience. Take any instruction, suggestion or rule espoused by one of these self-proclaimed experts and I can show you a dozen examples in the opposite of their rule to you, in both classic and contemporary works.


That said I do think you need to look at adding more show when you start your revisions. Don't worry if it seems to take forever to get the show part down, it is something we must work on forever. If you pick up any book on the bestsellers shelf, you can find places that would benefit from a bit more show.


Fillers, redundancy and the parts our readers skip over.


Duplicating or repeating a word or phrase too quickly happens all too easy when we write. If you've just used a word then it becomes active in your mind and so you can easily use it again without even realizing. This is often used by the editors as a key sign of an inexperienced writer, and reason to reject our work in the beginning. I could offer several examples but to keep it short in the first 22 words of your story you used Collins 4 times that equates to 18.1% of the words repeated. Again, this is an issue you may want to look at in your rewrites. You have a number of repeated phrases that you may want to look at changing some things around. I understand that the Somewhere phrase was for dramatic effect, but perhaps you could combine them


Frequent 4-Word Phrases
Val shook her head 2
than Fletcher, with a 2


Frequent 3-Word Phrases
Somewhere, someone was 7
on the table 2
looked at the 2
bit her lip 2
Collins was there 2
made his way 2
from the rain 2
along with her 2
to tell me 2
knew it was 2

Frequent 2-Word Phrases
came home 3
Finally, he 3
man was 3
his face 3
he knew 3
to go 3
He looked 3
his eyes 3
to say 3
though he 3
going to 3

There are more examples but I think these are enough to let you see the possible issue. I know the first time some one pointed it out to me in one of my stories I was flabbergasted.

The late great Elmore Leonard said that one of the reasons for his success was that he tended to leave out the parts that the readers skip-over. Steven King says that we should never tell our readers how to do something they know how to do. And that we should never repeat information to the reader. Not even for the benefit of a character that wasn't there the first time the protagonist or narrator shared the info with reader. Here is just one example:

The night that Sandra Coast disappeared was the day Fletcher Collins stayed up all night.


This first half is of the sentence redundant, Part of your story later is to find out Sandra is missing in the conversation between Fletcher and Valerie. In the second half of the sentence, the concept about Fletcher being up all night is repeated in the next sentence when you tell us he was

pacing nervously around his room, unable to say what was making him so anxious, though he had a feeling that he already knew.


Okay everyone tells me that we should not be vague. So either Fletcher doesn't know what is making him anxious, or he does he can do both at the same time. These are what Steven King and Brandon Sanderson call ambiguities, things that don't give our readers clear pictures.

On the note, I noticed that much like me, you included many vague or abstract words An abstract noun denotes an intangible, such as a quality or state. A concrete noun denotes the person or thing that may possess that quality or be in that state. By example: man is concrete, and humanity is abstract, brain is concrete, and thought is abstract. Abstract nouns are necessary in their proper places, but should not be used to excess.

Using abstract nouns to excess:

Makes statements indirect, and; therefore, their meaning is more difficult to grasp. The commonest form is to make an abstract noun the subject of a sentence where a concrete noun would be more natural, for example, "was this the realization of an anticipated liability?" instead of "did you expect you would have to do this?"

Secondly, abstract nouns have less precise meanings than concrete ones, and, therefore, should be avoided as far as possible by those who wish to make their meaning plain. There is not room for wide variation in the interpretation by different people of such words as house and ship. But there is infinite room for differences of opinion about what is meant by such words as liberty and democracy.

Ironically the very vagueness of abstract words is one of the reasons for their popularity. It is harder to be precise. We are often tempted to prefer the safer obscurity of the abstract.


I think we should try to be specific or try to edit these words from your writing. Occasionally using one of these words (say one or two a page) won't ruin your style. However, the more you use these words, the less readable your writing becomes. Most times we can just delete them without changing the content of our writing. Other times we need to find a more concrete word or phrase.

Here are some that I noticed:
would 6
like 5
down 4
about 3
all 2
already 2
slightly 2
some2
anyway 2
really 2
seemed 1
quickly 1
anytime 1
almost 1
probably 1

Ending thoughts

Okay, I have shared more than a few things that I saw as areas you may want to consider in your rewrites. And I hope you don't think I was being negative because I am not! You clearly have a good imagination for developing the story, and I will be happy and excited to follow along as you do so.

I didn't note any off the SPAG issues, I usually let the grammar police do that, they are much better that I anyway.

I have a question or two do you have a basic idea of how this story is going to lay out, like an outline (even in rough form) it help to have a few basics. Have you started a style sheet? That is a must for a novel, I can't tell you how many hours I have spent going back to look for spellings of some made up person place of thing. But if you keep a separate sheet (file) and every time someone new is added to the story you add them to the list. I now use yWriter5 because it is very easy to use, and it is free you may want to check it out. http://novel-writing-software.net/yWriter5.html

I also wish that someone had turned me on to a book entitled "The First Five Pages" by Noah Lukeman it is very informative and helped me a thousand times over the $4, for the used copy, I found online. It's not a how-to book, it's more of a "This is what the publishers are looking at."

As to the rating I give your story a sold '4' for creativity and story appeal. however I can only give it a '3' on the technical merits that I have come to know as what the publishers are looking for. That may seem low, but it's just your first draft. One should expect that the polish is not yet applied. The average is 3.5. I think that number could easily be rated higher once you get the story finished and start buffing out the smudges. I think the artistry is there.

Sam, I cannot stress enough that I do not want you to think I am dinging your story. I think it can and will be something we will all enjoy once you get finished. Don't let anything offered get you down, and don't be like me and get big headed from praise from the fluffers, I sent some stuff off ... way to early, and embarrassed myself. (Lucky for me the editor I sent it to is a friend.)

I pray there is something in here that you can find helpful and that you believe I offer my observations in that light. Why else would someone write 3000 words on a 1500 word chapter if he didn't believe it was a worthwhile endeavor.
63
63
Review of Needles  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Angus,

Great job! I liked this one a lot. I was a little dismayed by the changing of point of view but understood the reason by the end of the short.

I noted that Kathi’s special room for Megan was clean maybe sterile; you even mentioned a hospital gown. Although in Megan’s revenge, you are sparse on descriptions I felt that maybe you let Megan rush a bit to fast to the concussion. After stopping and reading it again, I think that might be true for both scenes, they are your real dramatic scenes, I think you could show more conflict, and more torment. Perhaps let the back-story about Kathi’s being bullied come in dialogue between the girls. Let Kathi gloat a wee bit as she makes her ‘points’ to Megan.

Maybe you could let Megan provide some foreshadowing of what is to come. While she is in the control of Kathi I would think statements about paybacks and revenge would seem idle boasts. Until later oh woe’s me.

What other thoughts might you install in the readers, if after seeing Megan at school that next day and we are looking for Kathi, the scene pans out from the classroom , down the halls and out to the front entrance with its marble columns and stone steps. Until we are brought to the Sign in the court yard that reads ‘Salem House Coven for Girls, established 1694’

Hehe, just some crazy thoughts inspired by some badass writing, well done sir, well done in deed.
64
64
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)


I would echo the reply of PatrickB . I hate that he logged on first, and managed to type out my very own thoughts before I had a chance to throw the bouquet.

There are only few really good guys on this forum for the gals. I am glad to have you represent our number, so well. You keep the bar for the rest of us quite high.
65
65
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)


Hi John,

I got a email from warriorwoman telling me that somehow you had been overlooked for some reviews. She asked, if I could buzz over and take a look at a couple of your stories and offer some feedback. I am willing, but you still may be getting hoodwinked. None the less I started with "Hey, Were We Just Insulted?" 

What a first class hoot, being an old fat yank never got into rugby and some of the colloquiums took a minute to figure out. But no worries. The comradery of the game is the same no matter what the length of the pants. And, game officials are pretty much all alike regardless of the direction of the stripes on their shirts.

It was very easy to witness the fellowship of these friends, though I would venture that only a male reader could appreciate the full depth of bonding here. The gals are at a disadvantage when it comes to this type of friendship. They often find it hard to understand that a set of mates can punch, tease, slam, and otherwise between themselves but would be ready to draw blood if someone outside the circle said the least thing out of line. It’s a male thing, like only people under captain Tom can call him the old man, for anyone else it’s a slight. I think you showed this well.

My wife is a nurse as well and I understand about the not touching anything, hospitals are full of sick people and are rarely cleaned to healthy levels.

I thought your dialogue worked well, it had a realistic clip to it. You know that ring of authenticity at least for the most part there were a few stop that I felt like you might have cleaned it up just a bit. There was after all beer involved and I have been in a group of just us boys ... when there is beer involved. It’s always on the edge, the far edge of civil conversation and comments.

There were some issues with SPAG but that’s what we have the grammar police for right. So I will not waste time telling you something that the girls are going to point out. Mostly because not a single missing or misplaced comma confused me, of course that is most likely because; back in the day, when I was in school, they had my English class and nap-time scheduled at the same time. Back then, I didn’t know how to multitask.

Anyway, this was a nice story. I enjoyed it immensely, and look forward to reading a few more.

Joey
66
66
Review of Slaughterhouse  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hey Bill,

This is a good story, easy to understand. However, The mad-man within me had hoped Harley could have gone more 'Jason like' on the street people, but that would have been mean I guess. Or, maybe when he went to the bar he had left on his work clothes and was blood covered. Maybe when he sat down he puts his large knives on the bar in front of him. Maybe the bartender could ask him how he was doing? Or, someone else complains about his song choice playing over and over again. I think you could do more if his rampage started there instead of at home. Because all he would have to do to stop the trick-or-treaters is turn off the porch light.

I think there is opportunity to develop more show, and I think that you could use that to convey some of Harley's troubled emotions, to let us see his pain more then explaining it. If I had any negative it was that it was almost all exposition.

Maybe you could start with Harley's thoughts being expressed as direct internal dialogue. Maybe you could have some to the plant description shown in Harley's hearing his co-workers complaining about conditions. You talk about Harley seeing things but do not ever describe anything, maybe he hears things too, maybe a whisper from the cows about what his co-worker did. If Harley had injured other Employees in the past, I would think they would be talking about him behind his back, even when he could hear them. I would think that some would go out of there way to avoid him. Maybe even stop and wait for him to pass, say in the parking lot, or at the time clock, where they might punch in. I think there are lots of opportunities where you could show us the fear and torment of the slaughter house.

I loved your choirs "Whack, whack, whack". I think you would get more bang, if you opened with it. it would be a much better hook!

And I think if you added a few music notes around the song lyrics it would do a lot to make it easier to hear it, as noise, from the jukebox, or Harley's head. In wdc It's {{e:music1} =*Music1* and {{e:music2} =*Music2* in word it is and alt-code alt-013 and alt-014

I know all this makes it sound like this story needs work, that's not what I am saying, it is perfectly fine as it is. But I think you are right on the edge of something that could go from a good story ... to a kick-butt emotional ripper, (in more ways that one).


I only saw a couple of SPAG issues, they caused no trouble for me, but just to keep the grammar police from hauling you away here is what I saw:

Harley saw this, and at the same time he didn't: the way a deeply =need comma after "time,"

He read that there were no explanations for mental illness, only excuses, and most of Harley’s mind was already occupied with a terrible sense of being pushed and crowded—a claustrophobia of sorts—that crushed him like the unused fallow, bone and gristle that ended up in the hot dogs and preformed patties at work. = This is a really long sentence, and you do not need the 'a' in front of 'claustrophobia' it not countable as a noun, you are using it as an adverb.

In another life, he could have been a professional football player. Not because he was black, but because anywhere else he seemed so out of place--anywhere but on the 'killing floor'. = Your second sentence is a fragment and is really dependent on the first to make any sense. I would change the period to a comma.

Then slowly, the floor would drop away, and at that point they were carried along on a conveyor belt. = Comma after 'point,'

Piercing the animals neck with the fine pointed blade, he then cut the aorta. = Apostrophe missing in 'animal's'

Just then the sprinklers kicked on, and Harley's anger swelled. = I think you need a comma after 'then,' as it's an introductory phrase.

As he stared up and down the street all he saw was an endless row of human debris waiting to be sectioned. = I think a comma after 'street,' is needed to break the two different subjects. what he did, from what he saw.

Now if I could only figure out how to see these SPAG issues in my own work I could save a ton of money on copy-editors

Hope any of this helps,

Joey


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
67
67
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Elle, oh dear Elle,

What a marvelous and delightful premise you have in "Grand & Epic Adventures" . I like the idea very much. After reading the prologue, and chapters "Chapter One - The Taniwha"  and "Chapter Two - Fairies"  I am so excited about the ideas that started swirling around in my head. I could hardly sit still at my desk.

Oh no, see, I almost forgot to start with the usual disclaimers. Where I tell you that I am here because you were owed some reviews as part of your "Invalid Item"  shower. However, the truth is I was checking out your port because of our interactions over the last few days, and it is just a wonderful coincidence that you are listed in our garden. Nevertheless, I am not going to miss the opportunity to kill to jaybirds with one stony review. I mean, how could I not want to share my thoughts about your story. You are proving yourself to be quite the character. I am so glad to have met you here in WDC.

(Side note: Now Chickadees, I still want credit for this review even though I would have done it whether Elle had been listed in the garden or not! But since I am so excited about the story it hardly seems fair for you to send me GPs, so please stick them back in the bank as a donation. )

Elle, I don’t really think I need to provide you all the standard this is my opinion stuff, I hope you know that I am just another fellow writer feeling my way through the fog in my brain, trying to find that nagging creature that is causing all the noise in my head. Because it appears to me that, you may suffer from that same aliment. The one were things inside want to get out, and we just can’t figure the means to allow it without our heads exploding. So just know I love your story and nothing I am about to say is negative, but just crazy dribbles caused by the mystic crap that is gumming up my frontal cortex.

Okay, all the above, notwithstanding, my first comment is that I think your story has enormous potential. Not that it isn’t a great story now, but I am talking a bigger picture. Moreover, I would urge you not to be in a hurry.

J. R.R. Tolkien spent seven years writing The Hobbit. He called it a whimsy written for his children. It only was published by the good fortune of his friend C. S. Lewis’s intervention after Tolkien let him see it, And Lewis showed it to Susan Dagnall, an employee of the London publishing firm George Allen & Unwin, who persuaded Tolkien to submit it for publication. My point is I think you can make something really big out of this.

I love the fact that it allows you to tell a dozen short stories in a single format, with Jayden and his sister being the unifying vehicle to carry the story. It keeps them tied together and still lets you explore all these different places and characters.

There are so many ideas running around in my head, but they would just make you go nuts trying to keep track of them if I put them all down. Therefore, I am going to limit my comments to just a few issues for this go round, and if after reading my notes, you haven’t decided to start blocking me. I can share more later.

Oh, my god, I hate to say it because everybody says this when they cannot figure out what else to say, but you have too many ‘tells’ and not enough ‘show’. Please don’t misunderstand I love telling I think it is equally as valuable as ‘show’. But I also think it needs to be a balance, coming in waves, just like at the beach.

It might also help to use more dialogue, this might help with some of the areas where I had concerns. Like the in beginning where you are explaining the pronunciation of Taniwha this is classic info dump and could be dealt with in other ways. Like an appendix in the back of the book, or maybe in a conversation between Jayden and Caitlin.

Caitlin looked over Jayden’s shoulder and asked “What is Taniwha?”

“It’s pronounced Taa-nee-faa, and it is the Maori name for a dragon.”

“A dragon? I didn’t know there were dragons here.”

“Not here, they live in the ocean.” Oh, I wish I could find a way there to find one for myself. If only we could go there, I know I could find one. But how do …. oh, yes. “Hey Caitlin, what would you think about going to the beach?”

“Yes that would be fun I liked the last time we went.”

“Why don’t you go ask Mum if we can go?”


Maybe my examples aren’t perfect, but they might spark and idea for you.

Now, maybe a comment on redundancy, (which I think is what I am going to change the title my last book to.) Steven King says, “Never repeat yourself or tell your reader something they already know.” And Elmore Leonard said, “I always tried to leave out the parts the readers skip over.”

There are things, little tags that I think you could leave out because we as readers are very good at filling in the blanks. You wrote:

Jayden called his sister into his bedroom. “Caitlin,” he whispered, “would you like to go to the beach today?”
Caitlin looked excited. “Yes!” she whispered back.
“Go and ask Mum and Dad if we can go to the beach today.” Caitlin thought that sounded like an excellent idea and ran off to find her parents.
Soon enough, Jayden’s mum popped her head around the corner of his door. “Jays, do you want to go to the beach today? We thought we might take a drive and maybe go for a walk on the beach.”




When I played out the sense in my head, I pictured Jayden standing at the door whispering his call to Caitlin whose room I pictured as being right next-door to his.

I don’t think you need to include “today” I think it can be inferred from Jayden’s earlier thought and comments.

Why not show Caitlin’s excitement instead of telling of it?

I don’t know how your Kiwi kids do it, but us yanks never when and asked both parents. We asked one or the other.

Phrases like Caitlin thought that sounded like an excellent idea … are redundant because you already told us Caitlin was excited which I think quite aptly implies that she was excited. Caitlin looked excited. “Yes!” she whispered back

Filler phrases like: We thought we might take a drive and maybe go for a walk on the beach.” Do little to advance the story or build the character. I have trouble keeping them out of my work, but I think I am getting better at spotting them.

What if you did it more like this?

“Caitlin” Jayden called out in a whisper. When she reached his room, he asked, “What do you think about going to the beach?”

“Oh yes …it was so much fun the last time!”

“Shush not so loud, why don’t you go ask Mum if we can go to the beach.”

Caitlin took off in a dash, and a moment later, their Mum popped her head around the corner of his door. “Jays, do you want to go to the beach.”

“When?” Jayden said as the corners of his mouth started to reach for his ears.

“Now, if you’re up for it.”



Also think you may not have enough conflict in the story. Tolkien said, “Heroes must suffer to be real.” Maybe Jayden’s life is too easy, where is his antagonist? Where is his internal doubt? What if he was from a broken family like dad was gone or had died in an accident. A scenario like that could give you a ton of turmoil for Jayden to deal with

In addition, one last comment for this note. Building on the idea that their dad was gone, what if in your Prologue Jayden receives the journal he is writing in from his father, maybe he finds it in the attic or his mother passes it to him. What if that journal had some magic in it? I think that would add more mystery to how their adventures can happen. What if that is your ending that the journal turns out to be a way for Jayden finally to deal with his missing father. Maybe they meet in the last adventure, and he gets closure.

I know, I know … that wasn’t the direction you were thinking of. It’s just that after reading your story, my muse went bonkers with ideas. I know this is the first draft and the dates indicate it is new material. Moreover, if you are like me, you will change a hundred things before you are done with this story. But I think it would be worth working on this as a real and earnest writing project. I am even thinking I may dump my current NaNoWri prep and craft something different using some of the ideas you have inspired (stylistic ideas, not your story itself.)

Anyway, I will end for now and wait to see if you are going to have Jayden’s next chapter be about hiring a hit man for a crazy yank. I look forward to hearing form you even if it’s to say “Joey eat some worms and die!”


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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68
Review by Joey's Spri...
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks for the invite, glad to be a member.
69
69
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi J.A.

It’s nice to meet you, and I am glad to offer a review of your work. Since you were the one requesting my opinions. I can only assume that you have looked at a few of my other reviews, and understand that I am just another would-be writer, searching for the knowledge and experience to share something entertaining with the world. You have been on WDC long enough to know that we should never take anything offered as gospel. Moreover, my feeble rambling are no exception. I will if you don’t mind offer my review in the name of my reviewing group "Invalid Item"  I don’t turn in nearly enough reviews to earn my keep with them.

The first rule on writing that I learned to be true is that there are no rules in creative writing. There are only rules for being published, and those are changing every year.

With the disclaimers out of the way, let us start reviewing. That is what I hope this comes off as. A review, not an editorial or judgment but a simple commentary on the emotions I got from your story.

I know this is very early in the story, and there is a lot more to come. Therefore, it is difficult to judge the total impact of the story with just one chapter. But the concept I am getting is that Elias is going to become a vigilante. This is not a new or original concept. There are hundreds of stories based on this idea. But that in itself is not an issue. Look at some of the better known stories The Boondock Saints, The Dark Knight, Taxi Driver, V for Vendetta, Hard to Kill, Man On Fire, Death Wish, Dirty Harry, The Brave One, Taken and Law Abiding Citizen, just to name a few. All these stories share the same theme the would-be hero is forced to take action to mead out retribution because the bad guys have escaped justice or are above the law.

Of course, there are hundreds of examples of this story because it is a very popular concept. Who hasn’t seen injustice and said out-loud I’d kill him myself. Defending our families is as fundamental a concept as breathing. With that said, I offer that for your story to be successful I think you need to have a unique twist, something to sets your tale above all the others. I think this kind of story needs to be plotted out ahead of time. I think you need to know where you are going long before you get there.

Prologues: Here is a tricky subject; there are many opinions about prologues in earlier times they were the norm, but now days they seem to be frowned upon by most publishing editors. I have not been able to make up my mind yet. Some stories that I have written scream for the need for the preview while in other stories prologues are redundant and unnecessary. I think that if you have an underlying theme that is not openly stated in the story, or if the story premise is based on an event that happened in the very distant past. Then you need to use a prologue. But I think the shorter the prologue the better. (This from a guy who has written prologues longer than his first chapter.) I think your prologue is to revealing. There is no mystery, intrigue, or drama to entice me to read on. I already know the entire story from just the prologue.

But what if you made it short and sweet, I liked where you were going with the concept of blood lust. Why not just that for your opening.

“Someone once told me; when you kill a man, pray it’s by accident because if you do so intentionally you’ll acquire a taste for blood. Yes, I am Elias.”


To me, something like the above sets the pace, a tone for what’s coming without giving away the entire story in the first paragraph.

Before I start on the rest of the story, let me make a comment about your point of view. Many so-called experts will gig you for using first person in fiction. But that brings up the second law of creative writing (there are no experts.) There are thousands of examples of very successful first person point of view stories. The problem is that first person can have a number of drawbacks and requires constant vigilance to stay in the right prospective. I am not saying you should not write this in First person, what I am suggesting is that you do more research on the POV. To be sure, it is right for your story.

One of my favorite mentors and editors Ms. Jodie Renner put together a great article on the subject. I think you might find some of this information helpful she explains that:

Some of the advantages to writing your novel in first-person are:

1. It mirrors real life – we experience life around us only from our own point of view – we don’t know what other people are thinking.
2. There’s a direct connection from the narrator to the reader, so this POV can create an immediate sense of intimacy and believability.
3. The narrator-character’s voice comes through more clearly as it is expressed directly.
4. It’s easier to portray the POV character’s personality and world-view as they’re doing all the talking.

Some of the disadvantages of using first-person point of view and narration are:

1. It’s difficult to dramatize scenes where the viewpoint character is not present. Your POV character won’t know what’s going on in other locations.
2. Too many sentences begin with “I” or have “I” in them. Can quickly become repetitious, tedious, and even annoying to the reader.
3. In the opening, the reader is often left wondering who “I” is. Be sure to mention your first-person narrator’s name in the first paragraph or two, or certainly on the first page. A dialogue with someone else helps the reader figure out who this “I” is.
4. Working in a physical description of your protagonist can be a bit tricky, when we’re in her point of view, and the looking in the mirror thing has been a bit overdone.
5. The reader may tire of the same voice and point of view predominating throughout the novel. Not enough variation in style and personality.
6. We may also get too much of the first-person narrator-character’s opinions on people and events around him, and long for a little variety. How do the other characters see things?
7. There’s a danger of too much introspection, interior monologue, and explaining things – in other words, “telling.” Be sure to balance this with plenty of action and dialogue –“showing”– which will help the pacing and move the story forward more easily.
8. The viewpoint character has to be really exciting, with a distinctive, compelling voice as we’re “in his head” for the whole novel.
9. With all those,"I”s and “me”s, there’s a danger of the writer putting too much of himself into the novel.

First-person narration is ideal for a short story and can work really well in the hands of a skilled novelist. (For example, The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, by Mark Twain, The Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger, and The Turn of the Screw by Henry James are three notable examples), but is difficult for aspiring authors to pull off successfully, especially for a whole novel. As Morrell points out, “the first person is only as interesting as the character telling the story.”

To work, your narrator-character needs to have a unique voice and personality, with lots of attitude. As James Scott Bell says, “There must be something about the voice of the narrator that makes her worth listening to—a worldview, a slant, something more than just a plain vanilla rendition of the facts.” On the other hand, don’t make your narrator-character too weird, as that could get grating or annoying after a while, too.

Even then, as David Morrell states: At its worst, when using first-person narration or POV, “The sentences can become a litany of I did this and I did that and I did something else until the reader is overwhelmed with egotism and closes the pages.” So it’s important to vary the sentence structure to avoid a lot of sentences starting with “I”, “the egotistical I-I-I that makes many first-person stories wearying.” (Morrell)

Many successful novelists also feel that first-person narration encourages too much telling and introspection and analysis, rather than showing and action. As Morrell says, “One of the several liabilities of the first person is its tendency to encourage a writer to jabber away….”

In The Successful Novelist, Morrell discusses how he personally found the first-person narration very suitable for short stories, “but I tried at least six of my novels in the first person, each time giving up in frustration once I got deeply into the story.” He found it hard to overcome “the obvious liability of the first person, the nagging, narcissistic I-I-I of it.”
Morrell concludes, “Having been through this turmoil, I think I’ll stick to using the first person only in short stories while reserving the third person for my novels.”

As an alternative to using one first-person narrator for a whole novel, one could choose to use first-person viewpoint for different characters, giving each character their own chapters, told directly by them, from their viewpoint. In this case, it’s important to make sure that each character speaks with a unique, distinctive voice, with plenty of attitude of their own. Or you could even have your protagonist’s viewpoint in the first-person, then portray other characters in the third-person, in their own chapters.

You’ve started this book in first-person before you get too far into it maybe you might try rewriting a chapter or two in third-person. Leave it for a few days, then reread the third-person attempt and see if you like the added freedom and variety of voice and viewpoint a little better. Or give both versions to a trusted friend or critique group and see which approach they prefer.

(Resources: How to Write a Damn Good Thriller, by James N. Frey; The Successful Novelist, by David Morrell; Revision and Self-Editing by James Scott Bell. )


On to the next thing, I felt. This story is very “telling” don’t get me wrong I am not copping out with the old Show don’t tell BS that so many reviewers spout when they can’t think of anything else to say. Because, I think the ‘tell’ is just as important in a story as ‘show’. That said, I think there needs to be a balance and that one writing tool should not outweigh the other. I think the issue here rests with your POV and the natural tendency for the first person to be telling. I also think you could use internal dialog more, which might help the sense of flow issues I felt.

I didn’t find your opening working well as a hook. Over the last six years I have written a ton of stuff most of which is garbage because I missed the boat early on, I didn’t understand how important the hook was. Readers now days have very short attention spans, and you have to grab them quickly and drag them into the story before they can get bored. There are a number of good resources on writing a great hook. I think you could do more with your opening. It was too “Simple”, and I think it could have been more concise; you touched three different subjects in the first paragraph. Pick one and build from there.

I would also recommend something I wish I had done before I wrote my first story. There is a great book by Noah Lukeman “The First Five Pages” I found a copy on Amazon for $3.99 USD it has undoubtedly been one of the best helps I have found for my writing. I know it is mostly about preparing your manuscript, but had I read it first I would have saved hundreds of hours of rewriting to correct the many little quirks that today’s publishing editors consider novice mistakes.

I also felt as if there was a bit of info dumping that you were trying to build the characters to fast. If this is going to be a novel then, you have time to be more creative, in your giving the reader the details.

You need to watch out for redundancies as well, I noticed that you give us the same information more than once. Like you’re telling us that Susie has golden curly hair. And you used other phrases repeatedly.

In addition, I think you include information that’s not needed, here’s an example:

“I took that picture just a couple of days ago, in the mall.” I told him as my voice cracks remembering the day I took the picture. We were looking for a new Sunday dress for church. She picked a yellow sleeveless dress with a rolled floral waistband that made her look older than what she was. I took the picture with my phone, printed it at home, and put it in my wallet. I could still see her smile as she twirled around and the skirt lifts with the momentum of her body turning.


I spend a great deal of time reading interviews of our great and near great authors. And there is a common theme I find from them. Don’t, tell us stuff that doesn’t move the story forward. How does our knowing that you where shopping at the mall advance the story, what difference does it make that you take the picture with your cell phone? How is the description of the dress necessary? Now if later on, it turns out that your shopping at the Mall is where Susie’s abductor picked her out, then yes, it’s relevant. But if it is just you’re trying to establish Elias’s mood and emotion I think there are better ways to do so.

A note on the dialog, the late great American author, Elmore Leonard, said “never use any verb but “said” in a dialog tag.” And I tend to agree, the word “said” is completely invisible to us as we read. When you start adding a lot of action to your monikers, you run the risk of developing “Creative Dialog syndrome” which takes the attention away from the dialog.

Dialog is rarely correct; it is often clipped, abbreviated, and even sometimes cryptic. I think it is perfectly okay to have incomplete sentences and other grammatical errors in your dialog, which is what makes it real. I suggest that the proof is in the pudding. Read any of the top author’s, look at their dialog closely, and you will see the best ones write it the way we hear it in the real world with all it flaws and inconsistencies. I say don’t worry about the cries of the English teachers very few ever make the best seller racks. In fact, most never get anything published other than their own how to books.

Okay, now I am sure you are thinking, “Crap, Joey hates it, all he has done is thrown stones at my story.” But that would be untrue, this is just one chapter of a story in the works. I can see that you have a good imagination; you have the ability to see the scene unfold in your mind. You show that you have emotion and empathy for your characters. I think that’s important because how are you going to get your readers to love and hate your characters if you don’t.

There is never anything wrong with a story, and you should never let anyone tell you otherwise. There are things that the publishing world calls novice mistakes. But if the publishing editors really knew all the answers then they would do better in the marketplace. In the US, there are on average 2.5 million manuscripts submitted to publishers each year, of them about 200,000 are published, of that number about 100 to 140 (less than 1%) make it to bestseller status. Therefore, if they really know what made a good book one would think they’d have better results.

I am not suggesting that there is anything wrong, I am offering my observation and experiences in the hope that something I say gives you an idea to make you like your writing more. I found my own writing started to improve the most when I started writing to please myself instead of others.

Well, there is some stuff to mull over; I am more than happy to talk more about anything particular you may want to ask. And it’s okay to say, “Joey you are so full of prunes.” I have been told I am full of other brownish substances, as well.

I hope you can find something in here that helps. Don’t be afraid to drop me a line anytime you want me to look at something as you may know advice is cheap.

Joey


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Fran,

I was in the "The Grammar Garden's Gardeners" trying to do a few chores, I mostly pull a few weeds and sweep the sidewalks, as I am not really qualified to do much else. And there was your small guide post with a note that said we owned you some attention. I looked about but could see no one else in this morning. So, I said to myself, go ahead Joey, nobodies looking; you can slip in and sneak a peek at a few stories, and whisper a word or two.

So that how I got here in your portfolio, now I should tell you that as a grumpy old guy I don’t seem to understand the poetry stuff. I like stories, the funny, the sad, I like the scary, the fantasies mostly epic are grand, the dramas, and mysteries all inspire me and give relief to my perverse mind. You see, it’s comforting to me, to find and be allowed to touch, taste, smell, hear, and see other people’s thoughts and imaginings.

I popped into your folio and there opened your “Is your mummy or daddy home story.” I must say I found it a hoot. (I told you my brain worked funny) You see I understand the event from both sides. As I have a son with CP. He is two years your senior, and I have seen what you experienced happen to him on more than one occasion. I must say you performed really well. I usually get mad at these purveyors of discrimination who darken my door. While it seems you rather enjoyed the dilemma your situation presented to this ill-informed saleswoman.

My son has his own place but frequently visits his mother and I. And one day, while I was out to the market; I returned to find my son in the living room with three Jehovah witness folks who had come by and asked for me. He told them that I was not there but would return soon. He invited them in and proceeded to entertain them. He got them some ice water, and managed to find some cookies.

When I returned, they all greeted me at the door. In addition, my son informed me that these kind people were going to help him get into heaven. I said how very nice of them. I put up my groceries and then told my son I would leave him with his friends. They tried very hard to get me to stay and listen to their brand of gospel, but I informed them that I never interfere with my children’s right to self-determination.

Now my son David's CP is not as profound as many, and he functions very well, save for the fact that he stutters if he doesn’t work hard at suppressing the tick. I share this tidbit as it seems that for the next two hours he kept these folk contained with very slow question upon question about how their religion worked. Every time they tried to excuse themselves, he would begin a new round of painfully slow inquiry. Until at last, when he went to the kitchen to get them some refills, they sneaked out the door.

When I came out, I asked my son why he had spent so much time with them, being that he was a died in the wool Baptist (like his mother). He informed me that after the third time of them asking if I was at home, he decided that God had sent them to him, so he could teach them that there was more then one kind of Hell.

Your story reminded me of that day. A very important day for me. The day that I knew for sure that, my son was going to be just fine in the world no matter what should happen to his mother and I.

I can offer no suggestion for the improvement of your story, it read rather fine. However, I might be inclined to encourage you, that on the next occasion a salesperson should call and ask if your mommy is home. Perhaps you might find it a fun challenge to tell them no, but that you expect her at any time. Invite them in and see how long you could torment them before they find the courage to sneak out.

Your story inspires, and encourages us, thank you for sharing it. I mean that! This is not just a repeated cut and pasted adage you might see in another post. If writing is about sharing emotion, then Fran, I find it in your portfolio. Please keep up the grand work.

Joey


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Hello?  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Outstanding Sir Jim,

Sadly, I have felt that way far to often. Sometimes it even applies to our outings here on the WDC forum. Don't you just love it when you spend three days on something, and you end up thinking, wow that's the best thing I've done in weeks. You post it thinking, hey this will show every one I am serious about this writing thing. Then you sit back and wait. But there's nothing, no comments, good or bad. It's like the web is frozen in time, its so quiet you can't even hear the crickets that normally buzz in your ears. I think the next time that happens to me, I am going to post a link to your poem. It would be perfect for the occasion.

Of course, I do remember a few mid****er-watches that could have been your inspiration for this as well. I remember walking an endless tail of circles around silent aircraft all chained to the deck, you find yourself adjusting your pace in hopes of see your counter-watch on his side of the hanger. Until you decide he's not there but, rather asleep on a totter somewhere. You make noises to let him know you are there. But he refuses to return the favor, you think I better go check on him he may be hurt. you dare not go searching , leaving your post. Because that's when the duty-master always makes his appearance. Did you ever notice that about the service life, nobody even cames around when you where doing your job, and doing it right. but sneak just one small daydream about your next planned liberty, and Bam some old chief is right up your arse.

They tell me that poetry is supposed to be about memories and forgotten emotions, you have stirred them for me on two different fronts. So, I must say well done good sir well done indeed.

Joey
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Review of Amy  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi Jenny,

First, may I say how pleasant it is to meet you, (as much as we do here on WDC). I am visiting your portfolio because I found its link in our garden at "Invalid Item" . As a member of this, the oldest, peer review group on our forum; I have not fulfilled my duties with as regularity as many of my fellows. (Life is more demanding with retirement than I anticipated.) But from time to time, and with the kind encouragement of our leaders. I manage to share a few thoughts with the brave folks who bare their souls to the world, opening up for all to see those little things that make them who they are.

As this is our first meeting, I will warn you that I do not review using a template, nor do I have a set formula. Rather I compose my offerings in a letter-form as if we were long time friends. As that is what I hope we will be. Brevity is not my best writing trait and I pray you will forgive the length of my ramblings.

I should share a bit of my process in reviewing to help you weigh the value (or lack there of) in my comments. When visiting a new member’s portfolio (new to me) I always go to their Bio information first, and then I read their introduction block carefully. I try to gain some insight into the writers goals in their writing. I find that it is a disservice to provide comments, and observations in areas that the writer is not interested in.

After, I have some feel for the direction, and type of review they may want. I scan their portfolio, generally from their oldest to their newest entries. I find this very helpful, because often, I find that writing practices that some might call errors, or at least outside the normal standards for traditional creative writing, (things often called noobies mistakes) are often learned since the earlier posting and are not reflected in the writer's more recent writings. Therefore, to give that writer comment on an older posting about some stylistic issue that they have since changed does little to help the writer.

I should note that I am a degreed Engineer with experience in writing technical publications, (textbooks in my field) but I have only been working on learning the more creative side of writing for some seven years now. I am having some successes, but by no means offer myself as any form of expert in the art. (Frankly, I find that to be rule #4: “there is no such thing as an expert in creative writing.”)

I see that you are in the UK, I loved my visit there (even though it was some time ago, just before you were born.) I was there to do a bit of training for the boys at Hereford on some special communication equipment being lent to aid in the ‘troubles’. I must say, I could not imagine how a silly young yank, (I was young once) could have been treated any better. I hope to one day soon return to the UK with my wife to perhaps visit some of the old castles which are of keen interest too me.

Okay, now that I have shared a small bit of ancient history, (Oh, please do not think I called you old.) Let me comment on my visit to your portfolio. Well done, I say you have what many would call, “A ton of items” to choose from. Though much to my chagrin they are mostly poetry, without a doubt my weakest understanding within our art. My few attempts are far less then stellar so please do not place any abundance of value in my observations. I think your adventures are diverse and show a verity of interests. I think this is an essential trait for a good poet, I personally find those who write about the same thing repeatedly a bit tedious.

I started to comment on your piece about the Boston occurrence but found my own feeling on the subject to visceral to share in pleasant company. Moreover, as we have just met I didn’t think it fair to fill your in-box with expletives. So now, I am reading poetry and trying to figure out what I might offer that would have some value. (Because, I am so uneducated on the art form.) I landed on your very insightful offering titled, “Amy” I will attempt to offer my observation and feelings, (mostly feeling) I pray you will bear in mind I am just a dumbass ‘Yank’ who pretends to think anyone is interested in his thoughts.

As I understand it, a good poem should have seven basic elements (though it is not always required to include them all)

Theme
Where thoughts and expressions synchronize together, providing a subject or topic to the poem. Sometimes I have seen it described as the soul of a poem. It is actually, what the poet wants to express through their words. Sometimes it is a thought, an emotion, an observation, a story, or an experience. In ‘Amy’ I saw the theme a bit complex (this is not a negative comment) I do not have a stepsister, but did have two younger brothers and I could relate to much of your poem. I was often tasked with their care and looking after. I thought you did a very good job at showing the frustration an older sister might feel with these quite normal circumstances in growing up. In addition, you did it in a way that I think most everyone who had shared their youth with a sibling could relate too.

Symbolism
I am told that expression in poetry is often not direct. Rather, it makes use of several symbolic and virtual substances and themes to express the deep hidden meaning behind the words. The use of symbolism gives a more reflective empathy to the poem. It is one of those basic elements of a poem that are conceived at the very beginning of the composition. I thought you used this concept well. Stanzas like “Her bottles and soothers Made poor excuses”, and “My Mother couldn’t run Or play – Not with a baby on the way” provided vivid and picturesque symbols of the moment.

Meter and Rhythm
I grouped these two elements together because being very new to the art form. I, as of yet, find it difficult to distinguish between the two. They say that meter is the following structure of a poem. Often conceived right after the theme and symbolism of a poem have been finalized. To me this function is what sets the poem’s structure differently from that of prose. Most often, each line in a poem has to adhere to this basic structure. The poem is divided into sub-units and it is made sure that a single unit conveys a single strand of thought successfully. Again, I think you did well with this category. With exception of the very last stanza, (meaning only that the last stanza was different from the rest in that it did not follow the same structure) each was very controlled and flowed with a smooth stylistic flare. It very much had a musical whimsy that fell easily on my ears.

Rhyme
As I understand it, rhyme may or may not be present in a poem. Seeing the differences where poetry such as the free verse variety of poetry, which does not follow this system often, confuses me. However where present, the pattern is present in different forms, like aa, bb, cc (first line rhymes with the second, the third with fourth, and so on) and ab, ab (first line rhymes with third and the second with fourth). I can see where Rhyme has a very significant role in providing rhythm and flow to a poem, which further helps in maintaining the reader's interest. I am trying to grasp these labeling techniques but have, yet, to get them down. I see and feel your rhyme, though the complexity I eluded too earlier makes the application of the style mapping beyond my novice ability, so I will not embarrass myself by offering an incorrect mapping of your poem.


Alliteration
I am told, this element of poetry is not compulsorily inculcated, if fact, I understand that many accomplished poets frown upon this style, some saying it is lazy. I am too uneducated to know the correct stance to take on the subject but know that I am constantly cautioned to remove such effects in my non-poetic prose. However, many poets use it in order to give their poem a lilting sound effect. In this, several words in a line begin from the same letter as for example say 'M', say 'musical melody of the mystic minstrels'. I understand this concept as a simple way to adore the poetry. The few time I have tried the effect my work came off the like of something one might find on a restroom wall of a busy truck-stop. My efforts seem unlikely to be called highbrow-ed. You did not use this style in your poem I would wonder if it was a conscience decision on your part. Again I ask only because I learn best from others. And your skills in this art seem more than adequate to counsel me on the subject.

Simile
The simile as I understand it is a way to add interesting comparisons in the poem, not only to adorn the beauty of the composition, but also to make the lines more expressive and understandable. In similes, comparisons are made using ‘like’ or ‘as’. For example, ‘her cries felt the like of grated knees on summer pavement.’ I try to use similes in my writing even though many frown on the technique. I think that in the right circumstance a ‘simile’ is by far superior to a “tell” I do keep them to a minimum. However, I do not know if this is true in poetry,

Metaphor
Another stylistic form used to include interesting comparisons in a piece of poetry. However, I read that the field of authors is split on the use of these. Many are vehement about originality and will immediately condemn a poet for using metaphor. Though I think they are confusing cliché with this method of expression. I think that when the comparisons are much more complex than the simple ‘like’ or ‘as’ of a simile. For example while expressing himself as a vibrant and 'happy go lucky' personality, the poet may compare himself with a Leprechaun dancing a jig around his pot of gold, as a perfectly viable inclusion in a poem. I did not see any metaphor in “Amy” and I only bring the style usage up because in my attempts to learn about poetry it is often mentioned.

Over-all

I think the key to any good poem is that it most have something that the reader can empathize with. Possessing some emotional connection between the poet, and the reader. Within “Amy” there is no doubt of that universal sibling rivaling that only someone who has experienced the arrival of a new brother or sister could ever truly understand. It is impossible for an only child to grasp the concept that when we liking a sibling to a rash that the effect they have on us is far deeper then our skin. “Amy does that for me, you see I had two very different brother, who often provided very similar emotions in me that you expressed towards little Amy. Now that they (my brothers) are both, forever gone from my life, there is little chance that words can express the void in their brother’s heart. Does “Amy” bring out the emotion in your readers? For others, I cannot say. But for this reader, I make it a point to score very highly anything that makes my keyboard difficult to see for the welling in my eyes. On that account alone, “Amy” scores a solid Five from me. I have also included a small token of some GPs as I normally do when someone makes me cry. Well done girl!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Pat,

This was delightful; I could see the adventures of those days gone by. Though, I must admit, I did substitute my brothers in those memories. We ruled our world from one edge of our kingdom to its far side, some three lots away. There were creatures, demons, dragons and raging hordes alike that laid siege to our backyard castle. From the parapets of the mighty Jacaranda tree that hung over the four-foot high block fence, we would defend against all enemies.

Sadly, just as those days of carefree, youthful abandon, have left me; so have my brothers; leaving only those sweet remembrances as you called them. How very embracing was the taste of the salty tear your work induced. Thank you for the chance to visit with them again this morning while reading your poem.

If poetry is supposed to evoke emotion, then you have hit the mark in spades. I did not see you and your sister. No, I saw my brothers, even though, haloed be their present stay. As one of my favorite personalities would have said, "Thanks for the memories." I say, "Well-done good and faithful sister, well done in deed!"

Joey C
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74
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
My dear Mia,

It was very nice to open my email the other day and find your quick post and comments on my recent rant about Google’s support of scamming. I try to return the favors of my reviewers by reading something of their efforts and sharing my thoughts.

It is my usual practice, when visiting a new portfolio to read their Bio pages, and then take a quick look at the other reviews they have done. It with the hope that I can glean an idea as to what the writer may be looking for as feedback. Some of our members are experienced authors and use the forum to test new ideas and characters. Others use it to further their education in creative writing, and still others use WDC as a social network, like Facebook only without all the hype. (As you are new, WDC is our shorthand for this our website.)

There are all types of folks on our forum, and I love it because for the most part everyone is genuine and helpful. After you have spent some more time on WDC you will get to know some really wonderful folks. I hope that you will consider me as someone in your growing circle of friends.

I will tell you that I am still learning about this writing stuff. I will hope that you never think that any comments I may make about your writings are meant as negative or a personal statements about you or your skills as a writer.

There are many who offer advice and comment, they mean to be helpful and objective in their reviews. However, sometimes things just don’t come off right. This has happened to me a few times. I send a review and the reviewed thinks I was being a know-it-all. In those instances, I failed to communicate effectively. Which I think, is a dreadful circumstance if one is trying to be a writer. To fight this inadequacy on my part, I now take more time to let the writer I am reviewing know a bit more about where I am coming from.

I have learned that if ones comment comes off in the wrong light; the recipient is very quick to tune you out, even if they bother to finish reading your reviews. So then, the reviewer’s effort is wasted because the recipient did not feel it had any value to them.

I like to take my time with reviews, after all you and the others on our forum spent a lot of time constructing these little squiggling black marks in order to paint a picture of your thoughts. Some are for entertainment, some for education, and some for a chance to let someone see into our souls. Much as you did in this posting that, I just read.

Before I get to deep into discussions about your posting may I share with you a few of the rules I have learned about creative writing. (I have been actively studying them for the last six-years in hopes that one day I may learn enough to be considered knowledgeable.)

First, there is the most important rule, the one, you must never forget.

“Rule # 1. There are NO rules that apply to the art of creative writing!”


Yes, that is the most helpful thing I have learned so far from thousands of pages of interviews of our most critically acclaimed, and most successful authors.
What I think they are trying to tell us is that all creative prose is subjective. Meaning whatever you write, will be loved by one, and loathed by another, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Now, I didn’t take the aforementioned to mean I can write anything I want anyway I want and still expect the big named publishing houses to queue up with huge checks in there hands. No, I learned that if I want to be on the morning shows boasting about my latest New York Time Bestseller. That I will need to consider some of the industry standards that the so-call experts insist we include in our writings.

That last sentence provides for a great segue to rule-two:

“Rule # 2. There are no real experts on creative writing.”


If you have any trouble with this rule, you should refer back to rule number 1. I have found that while there are experts on spelling, punctuation, and grammar. Even they can’t agree on what is correct. That’s why there are a dozen so-called bibles on the subject. Some successful people can offer suggestions, or tell you how they got their writings onto whatever shelf it is sitting on.

In truth, there are not even any expert publishers! If there were, then Dell/Bantam, or Random-House, or any other name of the thousands out there that one might care to plug in. If there were in fact a true expert publisher that knew the exact formula for pleasing all us readers, then they would never have a flop. Every household in the world would have their books on their shelves and nightstands. I could go on for a while about this idea. Instead, I offer that we have thousands of publishers, and millions doing it themselves. Why? See rule two.

Okay, I can hear you all the way at the end of my deadened road in these Florida woods. “Oh my, for the love of God … Joey, 800-plus words, and you haven’t said a blessed thing about my portfolio or its contents.” Did I mention that I don’t use templates, that I just sit down and start typing.

I think that people prefer conversations about their efforts more then a report card analysis. In addition, as this is the first time I am offering my thoughts to you, I wanted to try, and give you a heads up. “Don’t take anything I may offer to heart. If, I sing your praises too loudly, you may get a big head, and do something that you are embarrassed about later. If, I offer some suggestion that I think might improve a paragraph, and you take it, you well may be editing out the one thing that endears that passage to ten-thousand other folks who think I am full of prune-pudding. Just saying, “Reader, Beware!

Now, if you have not decided that I am daft, or touch by lunacy, and you choose to encourage future comment on your writings. I promise to forgo the introduction rhetoric and get to the meat and potatoes much quicker.

First, may I ask you to please trust us a little and share a bit about yourself? Fill out your Bio blocks and page. These little insights are important to folks like me. I use them to try to understand what you may be looking for with regard to feedback.

I like trying to help my fellow writers by sharing things that I have found out about our craft. If you were just sharing thoughts to be sharing, you would not care about comments about writing styles. It also helps with little things. I noted from one of your other reviews that you are British. That is important for a reviewer to know as we Yanks tend to spell things differently. Knowing this saves us both time. We will not note your miss-spelling of ‘Center’ as ‘Centre,’ can you imagine the gall it would in still for one of us yanks, to advice a subject of her Majesty on the correct spelling of the Queens English. Talk about a turn off.

Now, if you have not deleted me yet. A comment or two on your static item {item: 1921591}. This piece has a wonderful heart wrenching quality. I do not believe anyone could read it and not be touch at their very core. To be force to deal with such trauma any time in life is hard enough, but to be in that group of people that must do so, during a holiday, is momentous.

There are no words in any language to comfort for the loss of a loved one, it is only time and love of others that can sustain us, and protect us from the complete insanity of grief. Your story would be inspiring in any forum, or format it was presented in.

I mean, can you imagine what it might inspire in someone who might be reading it in a magazine. Perhaps they are sitting in the waiting room at their local hospital; where their friends spouse had just come in. Or maybe, they were reading on their porch and look up across the street to see the ambulance at the neighbor’s house. What kind of impact do you think your story might have on them?

Your story could make all the difference in the world to someone who was in that same place you talked about, that lost place where life has no meaning. Sharing your story could have profound effect on someone who needs that extra reminder of humanities purpose. My dear, I have no doubt that they might even put a placard over a very special gate, in that celestial place, we all hope exists. Might it read, Mia’s Gate?

You could develop this into anything you wanted, it would sell in any of two dozen different periodicals. You could make it into a novelette, or a full-length novel and be assured of a market. Of course that is assuming you want it to be more than therapy for your soul. If that’s the case, there are dozens of folks here on WDC that would love to help you work on and the making of your story into what ever you might want it to be. I would encourage you to think about doing something more with this piece. To me, it would seem a shame, to not share it with more in the world.

Now that I have said, how beautiful your story is, and that, I think you should pursue doing more with it. I will offer a few observations. Please note that nothing means anything and its value to you is greatly dependent on where you may want to take your story.

I am not a member of the SPAG police. But if I see something I often will give the writer a heads up of what I noticed just to give them a chance to head off the aforementioned English professors who’s comments can sometime sting.

In the sentence below you may want to check for an extra space between “at around”

" In the early hours of the morning on the 21st of December at around 4am my husband woke me up to say he felt very unwell."


On a stylistic note, many successful authors warn about redundancies in our writing. I think you have an example here as well. You tell us the time twice, you say it’s in the early hours of the morning and you say it’s “around 4am”. Maybe you could say it differently. I know you are trying to set a scene for your reader, to give them a sense that this was not some random happening. I think the date is important it sets a foreboding, a foreshadowing that any Christian would instantly see. And depending on your future intent for the story I think you could build on this opening to make it a more concise, and sharper hook. The following is just an attempt to show what I mean:

On December 21st … My husband’s soft moan woke me. I looked over at the alarm, 4:00 am, oh crimmy, it’s early, What’s wrong Hon?”
“Sorry dear, I didn’t mean to wake you; I am not feeling so chipper at the moment.


So in my lame example, I pushed in a little bit of ‘show’ over ‘tell’ by using some internal thought and some dialogue. How much you might want to put into an opening scene is greatly influenced by the venue you are planning to present the story. If you were to look at developing this, say for a magazine submission, then word count is of extreme importance (not that editors, ever let you get away with fluff and filler in any form.)

In this part of the paragraph:

"As a squash and rugby playing aircraft engineer he was fit and healthy as far as we knew. I got out of bed to make him a cup of tea and returned to bed, 4 minutes later he died in my arms from a heart attack, he was only just into his 30s."


You may want a comma after the words “engineer and later”. Also in most style guides they recommend that single digit numbers be spelled out is you go that way then you might want to use; ‘four-minutes later,

I also think if you wanted to drag in more ‘show’ than ‘tell’ … you could do so here … with more dialogue.

“What is it?”
“I don’t know ... my shoulder is hurting something awful.”
“I wonder why, do you think it's from your squash game, or maybe your rugby practice?”


Okay, I am going to take a big chance of loosing you here, with this statement! In your version, you’re 'telling' us, instead of 'showing' us this very crucial component of your story. I don’t know of anything more traumatic than having someone die in your arms.

I speak from some experience as I held my dying brother in his last minutes on this earth. It was very still in the room, and even though there were others there, I couldn’t sense them. I wanted desperately for him to stay even a minute longer, there were ten million things that ran through my mind in those few last seconds. My brain was exploding, it was like bolts of lightning flashing in all directions, I could not focus on any one thing. There was so much to say to him, things that I had forgotten to tell him. I felt completely helpless and lost. I tell you this, without you knowing that I was with him for the whole nine-months that we battled his leukemia. I had all that time to prepare, and yet it was still akin to a bomb going off. That experience, out weights all others in my life so far. How can a statement like:

“4 minutes later he died in my arms from a heart attack.”


Come anywhere close to explaining the horror, shear terror, and the cleaving of one soul in two, and this happened completely without warning. I have held a dying loved one, and I still cannot fathom the desperation of the situation you shared would invoke. But I do know that it is not described in the twelve words you used.

I know this story is about one magic person letting his heart reach out to someone in dire need for that thing that makes us human. But the enormity of his gifts can not be as well appreciated by someone who has not done what we have done. Unless they could be let into that moment, given a chance to share the emotions of that year-long-second of realization, and let to hear that prayer for this not to be true.

I think if you were to be bold, and brave beyond any dream of courage, and let yourself slip back to that moment and put on paper those feeling, raw as they may be, it could have Pulitzer quality. To have that ability, or is it fortitude. I think to share on that level is what makes an author’s efforts transform from the mediocre into greatness.

This is a wonderful story as it is, so don’t worry if you are thinking evil things about me. I surely deserve them for suggesting that you could do more with this inspiring tale of human spirit.

I did spy a few other small things that could be SPAG, but you are likely thinking, “What is wrong with this yank? All I did was say, I liked his little rant, and he has the balls to suggest he knows anything about me, or my writing, what a cheeky bastard!”

Okay, I know I have already said, much more then you most likely want to hear. So I will leave out with only one more comment. Many Christians find it offensive when you take Christ out of Christmas; I always spell it out in my writings, so I don’t get the angry gyres from his devout followers.

On the off chance, that I did not offend you beyond some murderous misgivings. And you might want some further discussion, and or, abuse. I would be more than willing to share a line-by-line critique.

However, if you write back and say, “Joey, go eat worms and die.” I will understand. After all, you would not be the first to think me too bold. I am also turning this review in as part of my efforts for "Invalid Item"  the review group that I belong to. Nevertheless, they are not at fault, or responsible for anything I may have communicated poorly. They are trying to teach me how to do this writing thing. However, being a more mature fellow I am not as quick as I once was, so it is taking more time, then it should to learn. I am also flagging this for SM and the staff with Good deeds get Cash It may spur them to read you story to see if I am making any sense at all, though I am more likely to bring tears to their eyes as well.

my showing acts of joy signature


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Review of Kaden's Lullaby  
Review by Joey's Spri...
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Rock-a-bye Baby in the tree top


Dear Pat

Let me just say this, you rock girl … even if this little ditty never reaches the notoriety of Mother Goose or even Brahms work. It will be something very special to one young man.

Here is one of the truths I have found in life. It is the small things, which build giant men! When we question our direction, looking for the answers about what is right and wrong; it is the remembrance of those soft whispers from the past, which ring the loudest.

My parents loved and nurtured me, each in their own way, and I owe them much for what they sacrificed for me. But when I evaluate the things that are most desirable in my character. I find those traits are rooted in the memories of my grandmother’s kitchen, and my grandfather’s workshop. Where there was always unconditional love, patience, and acceptance. These are two of the places, which I fully expect to find in that existence promised to us as reward for our faith in one true God.

Print this lullaby and put a copy in his baby book. And keep singing it to him. And every time he hears the melody from the 1765 Mother Goose limric, of Rock-a-bye Baby. He will say, “They are singing the words wrong!”

His son will reply, “What do you mean daddy?”

“Your Great-Grandmother wrote that song for me, and they got the words all wrong.”

Your great grandson, I think his name is Andy, will sit quietly listening to the song and wondering if its ok to ask his dad why there is a tear in his eye.

Life is so very short, and holding the future in your arms is what makes the woes of our existence worth the enduring. Who cares, what anyone else might think of this lyric of yours. I promise it is priceless, and well beyond any material thing that we may hold in our hands.

Well done, Nana, well done, in deed!

Joey C.
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