The message of this poem is one everyone should hear. I am overjoyed to find another believer and to see that you are using your writing talent to share this wonderful message with the world.
You touch every emotion, every feeling, and every doubt that I experienced when I came to Christ. When a reader finds his or herself in your poetry, that's when you know that it is superb. You have that special something that it takes most of us a lifetime to achieve. Not only did you catch and then hold my interest as a writer, but you brought to the surface these intense feelings I had inside me. That shows just how awesome this poem is.
Writing (grammar, spelling, ect.)
OK, poetry is a complicated thing. It is made up of a whole bunch of different parts. Let's start from the top!
You chose an ABCB rhyme scheme which you generally stuck to. In fact, the only stanza that doesn't follow this pattern is your last one. Perhaps you meant for this to happen. I know that sometimes I will throw in a twist like that right at the end of a poem, and since poetry doesn't have to rhyme I wasn't really bothered by it.
Poetry is almost like music. Each poem has its own rhythmic pattern. One of the toughest things about poetry is keeping this pattern of stresses throughout the entire piece. Alot of times, I find myself counting the syllables in each line in order to keep the same rhythmic pattern. I suggest getting a friend to read your poem out loud to you. See if they can find a comfortable rhythm throughout the poem. If there isn't a steady rhythmic pattern, a reader may find him or herself stopping and having to reread lines, which reduces the effectiveness of the piece. The feeling I got when reading your poem was that you had alot of good things to say, but you said them all at once, losing the rhythm that you had previously established. A few read throughs and some rearranging of words will clear that right up
One thing that sort of bothered me was that you switched tenses a few times. You started out in present tense: "I walk into the palace.." But then in the 4th stanza you switched to past tense. This happened a couple of times. I know this is one of those pesky little details that you have to keep in mind. Trust me, I have found myself going back and having to change the tense of entire chapters of books before because I got so into what I was writing that I forgot what tense I started in ! Just read through your poem once and switch it around
Just a Couple Suggestions
I just made a few notes while reading through the poem that I wanted to share with you. First, in the 8th stanza you wrote "they come and come". This is just a suggestion, you don't have to change it if you don't want to, but it might sound better if you wrote something like "steadily, they come" or "they steadily come". This sort of fits with your rythmic pattern better. Also, in the 25th stanza you wrote "But I still could honor Him more". I'm not sure exactly what it is, but something there is not right. I think maybe it would sound a little better as "But still, I could honor him more." Also, you use the word more again as the last word in the second line of that stanza. Is there another word you could use so that you don't have the word "more" more than once in that stanza? Take a look and see.
This is a wonderful piece! I hope you write another one soon! I can't wait to see it!
Since you are obviously a Christian, I thought I might take this opportunity to share with you some links to some Christian Groups and forums on Writing.com!
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#326253 by Not Available.
"Praying Hands in an Upper Room Forum"
and two of my own
THANK YOU FOR WRITING!!!