*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Creative fun in
the palm of your hand.
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/juliebug
Review Requests: OFF
13 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Jules
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
Could be a great story. But you have the beginners Talking Heads going on here. You need description and gestures of your characters.

Jules
2
2
Review of A Cat is a Queen  
Review by Jules
Rated: E | (1.0)
You need to take a few grammar classes or read grammar books to improve your writing skills.

Julies
3
3
Review by Jules
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
This is okay for taking poles.

Jules
4
4
Review by Jules
Rated: ASR | (1.5)
I had a difficult time staying with the story to the end. It did not hold my interest. Way to much telling I still feel lost not knowing what is going on here. Plus your grammar needs improvement. Many times you leave out connecting words. See example below:
Flowers can be seen every corner. Should be: Flowers can be seen in every corner. This happens alot. Read outloud and you will catch these. Also the sentence in itself needs improvement. An arrangement of flowers decorated each corner.

Very wordy sentences. Separate dialogue and paragraphs for easy reading.

The junior colleges offer grammar classes. You may want to check it out to improve your grammar.

Stick with it. You have to write everyday to become a good writer.

5
5
Review of The Holiday House  
Review by Jules
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I loved all your short stories. You write very well. I couldn't find anything to help you with. Actually to be brutefully honest you can help me out. I wish I wrote as well as you do.

Have you thought about writing novels?

Julie
6
6
Review of "The Escape"  
Review by Jules
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
Hi Little Girl,

There are many errors here. First of all I would suggest taking some writing courses, maybe at your community college. Your telling the story more than showing the story. I want to feel what your character is doing, as he does it.
You have alot of miss used words, run on sentences. Your rambling through the whole story. Slow down and in your mind go through each step of what your mc is doing. What he sees, how he feels when that knife slices through his victims, what is he smelling. Can he taste and smell the blood as he kills his victims?

Live through the hurricane with your character. He could hear the winds shift the building slightly at first. Then he heard the roof creak as it flew off right above his head. He trembled and slid under his bed for protection. Then two of the walls blew apart. His jail cell door flew up into the sky. And within seconds the winds stopped as if someone turned a switch. slowly he climbed out from under the bed and saw two walls and his bed were the only items left from the hurricane. He heard voices in the distance screaming for help. He had to escape right away before the police arrived and secured the area. As he ran he kept hearing voices screaming from underneath torn building pieces.

this is just a small sample of what I' trying to explain. Apply this to the rest of your story. Be there with your character through every thing he is doing.

7
7
Review by Jules
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Vincent.

I enjoyed your suspenseful story. Great Job. The suspense kept me reading through the whole story. One small suggestion in the fourth paragraph, middle, the word reflective, maybe should be reflection? Just a thought. To me reflective doesn't sound right.

Is this a novel or short story? Also I felt lost not knowing where this is taking place. Are we in this time?
Is it a fantasy story, place? A sci-fi. Would like to have known this.

Great read.

Julie
8
8
Review by Jules
Rated: E | (2.5)
The first paragraph has alot of duplication in it. We repeat the being tired way to much. I became bored with the eyes opening and all that. Cut out sleepily and slowly.

The second paragraph: I don't believe a door rips open.. A door bursts open possibly need a different verb there. The T-shirt is always capitalized. Maybe some names of these people would draw us in more. Instead of brother and I who are these people that are waking up.

The third paragraph: You need to explain more of your father on a grey suitcase. he seemed to have trouble, explain what he had trouble with.

The first dialogue was fine.

The second needs some help, if your finger was stuck in a suitcase you would not be greeting people nicely when they enter a room. Put yourself in the fathers situation, the man is in pain.

The next dialogue. Open this up or I'll get cross. Who says something like that? Their finger is stuck, they are in pain. They will be mad, angry. You don't tell it show it.

Your not going to debate about opening the luggage you are going to figet with trembled fingers as you open the lock. Your father is in pain.

The second to last paragraph is still repeating the first paragraph about waking up, this is getting old.

The last paragraph spends time on someone eating cereal really. When you can write that in one short sentence.

Story drawn out way to much. Sorry if I appear harsh, but it is necessary if you want to improve your story. I would start again and make this about something more than waking up and eating cereal.



8 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/juliebug