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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/laiandthewsg
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17 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of Memories Unmade  
Review by LightningandIce
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Wow, cool. I have a lot to say, and I'm not sure where to start.

This poem sparked me to take browse through the Goldman and Lisa Lansing things you suggested. I think the entire premise is very creative, the way you have created so many different pieces or writing and have linked them together. I was questioning whether or not it was real until I saw the disclaimer in another item so props for that as well. I haven't given any of the other items and in depth read through yet, so maybe this question has answered itself somewhere, but are you going anywhere with this? A build up to a novel, perhaps? Or maybe a contest? There's a lot of potential there. This is really cool.

Onto the body of the actual poem, it's a decent piece of work. My main complaint is that it seems kidn of drawn out in some places. While most of it is elegant, at times it feels as though you were just trying to get a point across and then sugar coated the stanza to try to disguise it as something more sophistocated.

In a few stanzas (just as the first one), you use a key word or phrase somewhere in the middle or end of the first line and repeated it somewhere in the second. The usual problem when using this technique is that people tend to base the entire point of that stanza around that word or phrase. I'm not sure if it was intentional, but when you did it, you used those key words and phrases not as main points but to garnish the already existing principle of the stanza. This was an excellent touch and if you ever decide to touch up this poem, I hope you'll use the technique a little more.

Also, one of the bitems at the end isn't working. I think it's because you have a space between the colon and the number.

Overall, great work. Thank you for posting this, and if I get the chance I will check out the rest of the Lansing and Goldman files.
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Review of Inside My Head  
Review by LightningandIce
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A very solid piece of work. I like the rhyme a lot. Unfortunately, today there is so much emphasis on free verse and blank verse that rhyming as become almost "uncool," so it's very refreshing to read something that has a smooth rhyme scheme.

I wasn't so sure about the pattern in the stanzas. Two stanzas had four lines, while the rest had six, and the way they are organized seems kind of random. It would feel better if there was a more apparent pattern in that respect. Maybe there is a pattern there and I'm just not seeing it, I don't know.

I also noticed a couple of spelling and grammar mistakes, and the line, "Feel again the rythm of her refrain," stood out to me because it felt like there were too many syllables crammed in there.

Besides a few small issues, this was a very good poem and I enjoyed reading it.
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Review of Zatanar  
Review by LightningandIce
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there. You have a cool story here, I'm glad I stumbled upon it. It's very good, with great writing and an interesting retelling on the classic Tarzan tale. I did notice a few issues, however.

The thing that stood out to me the most was the bear clan. Assuming the story takes place in Africa, the bear clan would be impossible simply because bears don't live in Africa. There are some bears in Asia, but Africa is one of the three continents that have no natural bear population whatsoever.

Besides that, there are a few things that are not made clear and give off an implication that is proven wrong later on.

Going back to the clans thing, from the opening you give the idea that the clans are not actually animals, but native tribes that model themselves after certain species. It wasn't until the line, "Leave the child!” Hak-ka-ri growled in the common language of the animals" that I came to the realization that they were literally animals.

When the ape clan arrives to save the boy, you use the sentence "He had heard the cries of the human male as well. Like the bears, he too had gone to investigate the matter." This gives the impression that he is alone, which I believed up unitl Un-mok begins to speak.

Also on the subject of Un-mok, you should reveal his name sooner. Reading "second-in-command" is harsh on the eyes, so you should tell the reader his name the first time and refer to him by that from there on out, instead of repeating "second-in-command."

The talk of Unsil leads us to believe that he too is an ape. Even after it is revealed that they are human, not much is made in reference to that fact. "For at that time, no humans, save for himself and his wife, lived on the island" is the only indication in the entire piece that they are human, and that can cause some confusion.

And finally, Unsil and his wife are almost afterthoughts in terms of Zatanar's genealogy. They aren't his biological parents, but it is implied that they are adoptive parents, and thus would have played a much bigger role in his life and this story gives them credit for.

Overall this is very good, but there are still a few things that I encourage you to clean up. If you choose to continue with the tales of Zatanar, I will certainly make a point to read on. Thank you for sharing.
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Review by LightningandIce
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ha! Great twist at the end!

You should paragraph this more. The one big block of text is kind of off putting. Put some line breaks in there and make it easier on the eyes.

Also, why all the "others" in the genres and categories and stuff? This little piece of writing has a lot to offer, categorize it so it will be read more!

In addition, the second and third to last sentences, "One day he'll be sick like me. One day he'll be confined to his bed like me" break the suspense a little. Consider getting rid of them. You don't have to, as it's fine as is, but it would add a little extra snap to the end to take them out.

Great job, I really enjoyed it. If I can be of any help, let me know.
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Review of Sky Underwater  
Review by LightningandIce
Rated: E | (3.5)
This story, as it stands, would make a decent children's story. It is lighthearted and fantastical enough to be on par with Narnia and Avatar and other childrens' fantasy stories as far as plot goes.

It does have its problems, however. First, the story started off very strong, but the appeal tapered off as the story progressed.

Claddi borders on a problem that a lot of characters suffer from. She is close to what is called a "Mary Sue." A Mary Sue is characteristically perfect with few if any major flaws. Claddi's prissyness helps her skirt around this problem a little bit, but once the story starts picking up, her flaws disappear. In a children's story the rules can be bent a little, but there does come a point where it crosses the line between cute and annoying.

Claddi is sweet and kind and understanding, she is pretty, she has no friends but is very likeable, she's brave, she's resourceful enough to create a lockpick, smart enough to figure out a passcode that would be almost impossible to break. She stays completely calm in all situations. She is too perfect to be real.

Not to mention that the situation around her is too convenient. She has lots of money. Her cell just so happens to be easy to break out, she just so happens to find a piece of paper with a code on it, she just so happens to find her mother in the most convenient place. There are too many favorable coincidences.

The conversation in the cell about how pretty they all are is very unrealistic. At that point, the characters would probably be in a total panic and looks would be the furthest thing from anyone's mind.

Esma should be a more promminent character. She stands out in the beginning, so it would make sense to have her play a bigger role in the rest of the story as well.

There is also no climax to the story. After the escape, the characters get back to safety and there is no more trouble at all. There doesn't have to be, but there does need to be some kind of final complication that makes the conflict come to a close with a bang.

Another major problem I had was with the very existence of the Stjolites. What are they? Some kind of pirate clan or something, but how can they even be there? It seems liek they exist without any opposition. There is no hint of any kind of authoritative problem with them. That the government just kind of lets them do what they want. It doesn't make sense.

What you have here the skeleton of a very good story, but it the meat and skin needs a lot of work. I would suggest cleaning it up a little bit up until the point where Claddi enters the cell where her friends are, then think about redoing the rest.

This is a good story with a lot of potential. I hope you will work on it more and I will be happy to read it again the future. If I can help in any way, please don't hesitate to drop me an e-mail.
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Review of Emo  
Review by LightningandIce
Rated: E | (2.0)
Hello there Amanda Panda. I see that you are new to Writing.com, so let me first welcome you to our community. There is a lot to offer here at WDC and if I canhelp you in any way, don't hesitate to drop me a message.

Getting into the story, it's obvious that you have a lot of passion for writing, which is good. However, this particular piece needs a little work.

Starting with the title. "Emo," in popular culture, has come to describe a stereotype that is balked at by many. The word carries with it a very negative connotation, and so I suggest changing the name. Not too many people will take a story seriously if it is titled "Emo."

Moving on, there are a lot of spelling, grammar, structure, and mechanical errors. Writing.com has an excellent spell check program that can clear some of this up. In addition, you can learn about other types of mechanical errors just by reading and paying attention to other stories.

On to the plot. First off, the main character needs to be retooled. We don't know enough about her to make any firm judgements, but so far she is well on her way to becoming what is called a "Mary-Sue." A Mary-Sue is a type of character that is perfect and humanly flawless.

The character's name is the first indication of being a Mary-Sue. "Yazakara" is a very exotic name. A tip for writing: avoid exotic names. Unless this story is actually taking place IN Japan, it is highly unrealistic for a person to have a name like that. Your characters need to have down-to-earth, believable names. They don't have to be common, but they do have to be realistic. When I have trouble naming characters, I do a search for baby name websites and find names on their that suit my characters.

Beyond the name is her situation and personality. She is characteristically perfect, which is a big no-no. Some people fall under the misconception that giving the character physical flaws will work in place of personality flaws, but they don't. In this case, the disorders the character has serves only to gain sympathy from the reader, which lends to the perfection.

First, rethink the disorders. If you want your character to have disorders, that is fine, but you have them piled on to the point where its hard to take them seriously. Drop the number of psychological things down to one. Schizophrenia doesn't fit very well here, so I recommend dropping that one and choosing between either Bipolar Disorder or Dyslexia, but not both.

Second, you need to make your character less perfect. Ask yourself, "is my character a person that I would like to be in real life?" If you answer yes, then your character is too good. One easy way to add flaws to your character is to pick one of the seven deadly sins (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seven_deadly_sins) and inconspicuously blend it in with the rest of the story.

Third is the setting and the situation in which she finds herself. The setting is too ideal while her background is too tragic. It's possible, of course, that they AREN'T really that good/bad and that the narrator is just exaggerating, but most people over look that, so you should probably change it just to be safe.

A red flag I get right from the beginning of the story is the character's age. Ten years old is far too young to really be aware of the world around her in such a way that she is. Thirteen years old would be more understandable, with 14-16 being ideal. This would also allow you to get rid of the grade skipping thing, which adds to her perfection as we discussed earlier.

Another problem is the mother. 22 is not a good age. If your character is 10 years old, that would mean the mother gave birth at 12. Though not biologically impossible, it's extremely unrealistic. 26 would be a more believable age for the parent of a 10 year old, which would then get bumped up around 32 once the protagonist's age is upped.

Model isn't a good career choice, either. Though it justifies the drugs, it causes a surreal atmosphere when placed next to the step-father character and in the setting of this story. I understand the angle you are trying to present with the mother character, so I would recommend a less prestigious career choice. Waitress is kind of cliche, but it works. Nurse, perhaps? RNA? Not great, but better than model.

The Alissa character's interaction with the main character is very mature and probably wouldn't take place on that caliber with somebody so young. She is much older than Yazakara and so is more likely to treat her like a younger sister than a buddy. This can be fixed by making Yazakara older.

The confrontation between the main character and her parents is wise, as it serves to reinforce the idea of abuse that was already instilled. That being said, a ten year old girl could in no way beat up and knock out a grown man, no matter how drunk he is. She may be able to escape and run away into the park, but she would not be able to fight back.

And finally, the ending monologue needs some reworking. It is far too coincidental that Alissa would just be there, and Yazakara's tragic closing remarks are very cliche. When you expand the story this problem will fix itself, but I wanted to bring your attention to it.

Overall you have the will to write, but you need to work on some things. Read and write. Reading and writing will help you to develope your skills to the next level. If you are looking for some good literature that is in the same field as the story you are writing, "She's Come Undone" by Wally Lamb and anything by Laurie Halse Anderson would be right up your alley.

I hope my review helped a little. If there is anything I can do to assist you or clear up any problems, please let me know!
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Review by LightningandIce
Rated: E | (5.0)
When I saw the description, I thought this was going to be about questioning the existence of God, not an answer to the questions. I was ready to write a long-winded review explaining to somebody why God exists.

Thank you for sharing this, and thank you for believing and having faith. You should fix the description so that it's more clear, but otherwise this is a nice piece of writing.
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