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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/leonkie
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132 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of The Empty Cradle  
Review by sorciere
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is the most beautifully-expressed and moving account of the loss of a baby in utero that I have ever read.

Rather than dwell on her sheer agony, the writer conveys her deep sadness with expressions of love and life. These pertain to the baby while she still lived and after her 'fleeting' life had ended. It is clear that the mother is sustained by her belief in God and the fact that one day she will be reunited with her babe:

"Were it not for thoughts of you and joining you someday,
the chasm of my sorrow true is where my heart would stay."

To me it is amazing how many words and expressions of positivity are used in this poem on the topic of such a painful event:

"precious"; "divine": "full bloom"; "self assured"; "strong"; "safe and loved and warm"; "sun" ; "joy"; "leap"; "treasure"; "free"; "laughing" "shining".

The poem is exquisite.









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Review by sorciere
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked the rhythm and flow of the first verse. The verse also gives us a good clue about the message you intend to convey in the rest of the poem. The second verse follows with logic and clarity. The last verse sums up your previous statements to consolidate your message.

The sequence of the poem is good.

Personally, I think that the death of the rose is not a tragedy which should make you weep; it is a reality, which which makes you think - it is your inspiration for the poem. Nevertheless, you have poetic license, and I must admit that the first two lines drew my attention to this item.

sorciere
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Review by sorciere
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I find this interesting.

I fully approve of the resolution to eat more cake. That sugar boost sure makes a happier person of the Karley who can't enjoy life because she has to be slim. There's some humour, and an element of delight for the sweet-toothed reader, in "Eat more cake". There would be none in "Eat more" or "Stop dieting". I like the idea of a relationship between Karley and cake, the metaphor of cake being a friend.

Note spelling: 'losing', not 'loosing' (Loose means 'not tight'.)

TGIFBIGTEC is a fun and realistic notion. It also shows, Karley, that you don't intend to go wild eating cake. You've decided to allow it as a once-a-week treat. Sensible.

In terms of psychology, the above is a good approach.

OCD is to be avoided. You don't have to throw away your calender; just reduce the number of items to do by half. You're right. Better that than death!

Note spelling: ' Throw out' not 'Throughout', unless that was intentional.

You are OCD but don't have a pathway on the flloor to your bed? Strange, but you know what to do this year.

Kill spiders this year??? Umm ... no comment.

Finish you novel only if you want to, Karley. If it's worth pursuing, do it. But if you've lost interest in it, don't be hard on yourself. If you decide to abandon it, reward yourself with a piece of cake. That's good medicine for OCD.

5 Keys to Happiness: There's a bit of a contradiction. You are telling yourself to loosen up and to take control!

'Love the only one that loves you'. Is that you, Karley? Go ahead. Love yourself and be kind to yourself.

I like this 'Dear me' letter. Well done!

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Review of Lover Boy  
Review by sorciere
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The message I get from your story is that everyone needs someone. Was it your intention to demonstrate this?

It brings to mind two occurrences that I often think about.

The first is that I used to be somewhat of a snob, associating only with those whom I considered "academic". But soon after I married, my friends started to emigrate from the country. Those with brains, vision and guts went first, followed by others who simply didn't like the political and environment and didn't want their children to grow up here. Gradually a lot those with the most academic and financial resources left for overseas. I would say that they had a pioneering spirit - they were strong enough in body and mind to leave their parents, siblings and friends and start a new life.

I must have remained a snob at heart, because I considered those who remained as very ordinary. What was I, then? Also very ordinary, I realised.

But I needed people, so reached out to those who remained.

The second occurrence was related in an autobiography of a man who spent twenty-seven years in prison, isolated for much of the time. He found himself talking to a cockroach.

Would you explain the significance of the 'hobo' giving the note to the little boy? Was it to demonstrate that he had not lost the virtue of compassion, or (at least) not all of it? Are your readers to read more into this gesture?

The whole story conjures up images in my mind. Your talent for description is evident.

(By the way, the man who spoke to the cockroach is Nelson Mandela. I have just added an item about him to my portfolio.)

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Review of Swiss Cheese  
Review by sorciere
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
To write a review of two hundred and fifty words on this. I would have to block up the lil' holes and stop the breeze to give me more to write on.

I go for the second version. It's got spunk; it's got humour; it's American, not Swiss.

Ya might eat mellow, but ya sure ain't no mellow fellow!

Lovely verse.
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Review by sorciere
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This poem is hilarious!

Poor, emasculated man. I can well understand the "Stream-drip-stream-drip", for who could relax under those unforgiving eyes?.

In this case "the extravagant ball and chain of (your) life" was granted her pleasure at the expense of your own. You have been robbed you of the exquisite pleasure that should come with peeing in leisure.

Dreaded spout, "Off with your head!"
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Review of All Good  
Review by sorciere
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This verse, simple and straightforward, has an optimism which is evident even in its rhythm, which could be called "upbeat".

The words reveal a maturity not often found in a fifteen-year-old.

Pen&PaperMan's philosophy of "I may not have all that I want but that is perfectly fine" will help him not only now, but throughout his life.

sorciere
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Review of Withered  
Review by sorciere
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Writer

This story does not call for a review, but I want you to know how much I sympathise with all those affected by the accident.

Oh, how tragic the outcome of a little too much self assurance and the subconscious attitude of "I can get away with it" was.

The "If only"s must be dogging so many minds.

Another thought, though it won't help: A split second can have ramifications of a lifetime or more.

I wish you strength, and hope that writing about this horrible incident has helped you.

sorciere
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Review by sorciere
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
The answer, dear embattled friend
Is they must for their own selves fend
It's hard to let your standards drop
But why should you be such a sop?

Soldiers want to live and eat
Infantry must use their feet
Let them work as true men do
Tell each one to do his due

"Set the table, that chair there
That's the ticket. Do your share.
Enjoy the fare
Enjoy the cheer
Afterwards the shrapnel clear."

You, dear author, cleaned the house
You, dear author, you made it bright
You, dear author, did invite
Now you sit down. Enjoy it! Right?

Dear poet

It's a great passage. I myself did a barbecue for the extended family yesterday.
As I greeted them goodbye, aching and wilting, know what they said?
"It'd be great to have another one soon!"
I hate them :)



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Review of "Thank You RAOK"  
Review by sorciere
Rated: E | (5.0)
I wish to express my heartfelt thanks to RAOK for the free upgrade.

This will enable me to derive the best from, and give of my best to, Writing.Com.

sorciere
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Review by sorciere
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I am not sure about the meaning of this poem, so I am interpreting the way I understand it and am going to review this as if it is symbolic of an experience in the author's life.

She feels as if she is bound by chains into a situation, be it life in general or a relationship with a man. She has the feeling that she must escape this and venture into something different, and plans to do so.

She doesn't mean to harm anyone to a great extent, but in escaping she does so. This wasn't part of the plan.

She doesn't escape with impunity. Her past chases her to in order to catch up her and get her back. The escape is not easy.

She takes her chances and continues to run. She comes across unexpected pitfalls.

My feeling is that she actually escapes with another man whom she likes or loves. She doesn't know what the future holds.

The poem has an intensity, created by the symbolism of prison, chains and guard. There is further intensity and drama in words such as 'dagger', 'blood', 'bullet', 'raging'.

The constant reminder of "This wasn't part of the plan" reveals that she didn't expect what in fact happened and what faced her. The world outside her own previous world is fraught with unknowns and obstacles.

'This wasn't part of the plan' gives a good rhythm to the poem.

An interesting and arresting piece of writing.

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Review by sorciere
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The root of Moshe's recurrent nightmare lies in the fact that he sinned on the eve of Passover by eating bread twenty minutes into Pesach when, by Jewish law, he was not allowed to do so. The substitute for bread during the eight days of Passover is Matzos.
The nature of the nightmare is also determined by the nature of his cruel treatment at the hands of the Nazis during the Second World War.

Moshe punished himself for his sin by abstaining from eating bread and by forcing himself to eat Matzos instead, until one day in 1970, in Jerusalem where he now lived, he was looking after is grandchild. To please the child, and only to please the child, he broke his own rule and had a bite of bread.

The interlude with his grandson brought a re-birth of sorts to Moshe.

One hopes that this marked the moment of letting go of his guilt and going forward to living a happy life in the Holy City, with the closeness of two new generations of his family adding some joy.

The story is touching and poignant.

It is well composed. Set in 1970, it then goes back to the disastrous events in Europe in the 1940s. Finally we are 1970 again. This sequence makes the story more interesting and comprehensible than it would have been if it had been related chronologically.

It is a story well-told.



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Review by sorciere
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I was once asked by an Honours student to proof-read her dissertation. I was horrified by the clutter of unnecessary commas and commas incorrectly used. I scratched them out, left right and centre.

I thought about how I could help this student. Eventually I told her to leave out all commas, unless they are needed to clarify the meaning of the sentence. Her writing improved.

An influential bank in my country has the slogan: 'simpler quicker faster'. I think that this is the way the world is going.

I believe that one can leave out many commas without sacrificing any of the art of writing

I am a Thurber.

Thank you, spidey, for raising this interesting point.
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Review of unABle  
Review by sorciere
Rated: E | (5.0)
You have successfully conveyed how lonely the seamen are, how they long for someone or something, and finally how loneliness can bring out some bad characteristics.

You evoke a haunted atmosphere with your idea of each seaman having only a ghost from his life to dance with. At midnight, after they lose the ghosts that fill their dreams, there remains no heart nor soul, just tinsel, plastic flags and balloons (though the latter at least dance).

"their arms drop to their sides" is a strong image of helplessness and defeat. They just cannot have what they would love to have.

I see a lot of alliteration - in fact I hear it, and it is effective as it gives a kind of rhythm to the poem: "deserted dance"; "balloons that bounce"; "laps and licks"; "Midshipman matron mother"; "cat at cream"; "backsides into cabins and bunks".

The repetitions of 's' in "sailors stop spinning" sounds and feels like spinning.

There is beautiful use of metaphor and simile in "The water laps and licks its tongue like a cat at cream and the breeze whispers breath rings to the moon." ( 'breath rings' - how beautiful!)

"whispers breath" is onomatopoeiac, as is "laps and licks".

"bobs and dips" has the precise rhythm of bobbing and dipping - and of course the rhythmic breathing of the sleeping men.

The last phrase, "hugging their pillows in desert island dreams", sums up the poem in its many aspects. The soldiers would like to hug - not a pillow, of course - but a soft pillow is as close as they can get. They are far away and lonely; it is as if each man is on a desert island by himself. And they dream ........... of what they long for.

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Review of The Cramps (2)  
Review by sorciere
Rated: E | (4.5)
This sad account of a mother's struggle to save the child within her womb has a lot of merit.

It is informative.

The idea of writing about the outcome in the first paragraph was good as the details of the birth and, unfortunately, death at once rouse the sympathy of the reader, who is then eager to find out more.

Finally, the personification of Grief as an onlooker was excellent.

Any woman who has been in labour woud say that this is a good description of one of the many variations of the event

My sympathy goes out to every woman who struggled to give birth to a healthy child, only to see it die.
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Review of She Saw Herself  
Review by sorciere
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I find the structure of this item interesting: The words drop, and they they drop even lower. I assume that that is what happened to the narrator during postpartum depression - her emotions dropped to rock bottom.

The idea of writing about the experience in an allegory is unusual, and the choice of allegory is highly suitable: Birds sometimes reject their newly-hatched chicks, and a woman suffering from this type of depression would not bond properly with her newborn child and would be tempted (or forced by her condition) to reject her baby.

It seems as if the narrator gave birth to twins and rejected them both (at least for a while) because of her unfortunate postpartum condition. When one continues how exhausting it can be for a mother to look after a single baby, it is understandable that the general needs and nursing demands (the bird could not sate her chicks) could be unbearable for a mother, especially if her hormones are playing up too.

Knowing a little about postpartum depression, I can well sympathise with this "Mother Bird"

This is good writing.
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Review of Lucky At Cards  
Review by sorciere
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I laughed out loud at this one! "Ace of hearts.......with a still-smoking hole through the middle. There are two Aces of hearts in a pack, after all, so you're not a cheat, not half, you bastard!

It's a completely convincing, well-written, cowboy-poker story, complete with spurs, hat, swearing, pistola and Break-Top.

Consider whether the first three words are needed.

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Review of Realization  
Review by sorciere
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem is sad in more ways than one.

Firstly, every "break-up" brings sadness - at least to one of the parties.

Secondly, it is seems that your relationship ended acrimoniously, for why else would it have ended with an sms?

Thirdly, one wonders how much real communication, and therefore deep understanding there was between the two of you.
If even one percent of your relationship was conducted by cell phone, it was not based on a deep understanding of each other.

But this is speculation.

I think your poem is a concise summary of the end of your relationship, and an illustration of how a cell phone can help to distance oneself from an unpleasant task. You attempted to give form to the poem with the repetition of "I'll" and the rhyming. The poem ends as suddenly and bluntly as your relationship.

I like the words "punch" and "slap". They highlight your disturbance, impatience, frustration.

A good attempt.
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Review by sorciere
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh, yes! The poet lives music - this is not a typo - and exposes its grandeur with imagery which affects the reader's senses most beautifully and convincingly.

But who is the 'she' who misses this life? I do not know.

Has she died? Perhaps she was the poet's mother who either never grew old enough to experiences the achievements of her child, or didn't have an appreciation of music. Or perhaps this mother left the household of her own free will, or was forced to leave it.

Was 'she' a sibling or friend who left this earth too early?

'She' could have been a lover who rejected the poet, and in so doing missed out on the exquisite sensations that music brings.

Any of these persons could now be dreaming of long ago times and faraway places.

Who is she ? ......

Please, Yera. Would you explain?

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Review by sorciere
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well said!

Have you ever considered that being a Super Mom can actually harm your children?

Let's imagine that you keep your house perfectly clean, tell your children what to wear for fear of them being mis-matched, stay on top of the laundry and dishes.

Now your children are grown up and ready to leave the home and are faced with a huge shock: Who will clean the house? Who will tell them what to wear? Who, in fact will launder their clothes and have them ready to step in to? Who will wash dishes after they've eaten?

Not them, as they've always had it done for them. They won't cope and, furthermore, might put great pressure on their spouses to get the job done.

As for volunteering in their classes .... Twice a year or so would be fun. But let them be independent and grow their own personalities without the fear of Big Brother Super Mom.
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Review of That was it  
Review by sorciere
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I haven't read your current story. Nevertheless, I do not agree that this story "sucks".

It tells me quite a lot, actually. I'm in a happy (or rather, content) marriage, and sometimes wonder what goes wrong in other marriages. Having read this, I have a better understanding, and I found it in the last sentence of your story.

Everyone, I assume, enters a marriage intending to make it work. But "everyone" is only half of the deal.

This 'beginning scene', which you apparently rejected, is in itself a story, and an eye-opener to the naive.

Thank you for opening my eyes and making less smug.

If I find your current story, I'll read it.





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Review of Ghost Writer  
Review by sorciere
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Ghost, you are an empathic spirit in that you understand that some people do not believe in the spirit world and do not blame them.

That is a good way in which to get credibility. Another thing that works towards gaining credibility is the (purposely?) unemphatic manner in which you tell your story.

Both of the above help to prevent a "fight or flight" reaction from the reader, who is then happy to continue reading you story.

Please tell me how you found the Writing.Com site from where you are.

I have good reasons for not believing in the spirit world.
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Review by sorciere
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)

The story held my interest as I was reading it, which indicates that it has merit.

First I was waiting to find out what Monica's punishment would be. When I read about the punishment I thought that Mary must be psychotic and that she would think up some other weird punishment. I read on to find out what it would be.

Is this a dream? I think it must be. When I am asleep and my bladder is full I have dreams about peeing. Eventually I wake up and go to the toilet.

I am also thinking that Mary could, in fact, have been a sadistic or at least nasty mother, for what else could have caused such a dream?
On the other had, perhaps Monica has a particularly low esteem which manifested in this dream.

Finally, although the term Black Friday is known to be a busy shopping day because of the low prices on that particular day, I see a symbolism in the word "Black". This was indeed a black experience for Monica.

A strange story, and perhaps very readable because of that.
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Review of The Lonely Man  
Review by sorciere
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)


This lonely man did have a "prime" time in his life, and one asks the question: "What happened to rob him of this?" Of course, the poet leaves on questions, not answers.

One wonders whether the man might have taken up the offer of salvation if he had been been allowed to have his booze too, or whether he was more than sceptical about people offering redemption. The narrator says he he feels lucky not to be tied to a job and that he is too independent (to have one). Could his dislike of holding down a job have been his downfall? Was it his drinking habit that caused him to lose his job and prevent him from getting another.

Whatever the reason his, the narrator has lost his self esteem, as is evident in the fact that he considers himself to be a bum.

My reaction is "There but for the will of God go I" ('though I don't believe in God, as ""he"" has allowed even good men to suffer cruelty and hunger).

The poet has used some good metaphors, and I especially like "the corner tavern has my soul". Both non-believers and believers can understand that - perhaps in different ways.

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Review of Child of Humanity  
Review by sorciere
Rated: E | (4.5)
Anthony

It seems as though you are referring to the young teenager who simply wanted education for girls - not only for boys - and was shot for her broad-mindedness.

You describeher would-be killers and fellow-kinsmen as having "hollow-hearted darkness of brains".

I like the comparison of the girl "with soul so mature,brain so mature" to those "who are slaves to their narrow ideology."

The third verse is ironic in that the men who are so strong (in their hatred), are actually afraid when a girl "does nothing but speak of equality."

To my mind, and the author's, the country of the protagonists has been terrorized for too long "By hollow hearted men who believe hatred is the answer"

The enigmatic "Will clouds gather to wash the streets with clean rain?", to my mind, will not happen, unfortunately - so deeply do the men love to hate.

The poem, if I have interpreted it correctly, is non-fiction. It is based on a recent, horrific incident. Let us hope that "humanities child, who now suffers in pain," will eventually live a normal life, and above all, be educated.

A caring and true poem about a topical incident. It is clearly written, in free verse, To some people (including me) this poem is very meaningful and sad.

PS: Please le me know whether I am on the right track or whether you meant to convey something else.

Gita



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