This is a beautiful poem. It's a nice dedication to that special person. I can definitely relate these feelings to the one who saved me. There is nothing more precious. In terms of technicality, Myself is one word. And in my opinion I think that last "You saved me from darkness" Should be separated from the rest of the text in a one liner. Your rhyming scheme becomes messed up in the last stanza. You have rhyming with the 2nd and 4th line and it flows well until that last stanza where you break the rhyming scheme and then break the form to repeat the title. I don't know that you even need that last line, but if it is something you want and or need to keep then separating it is definitely the way to go.
I think that it is definitely true that there is a need to write. There are so many different directions or suggestions on what or how to write that it can often be difficult to know what to follow or what you want to do. However, you say you love to write and this piece was so boring. It is essayish, and I wanted to really see and feel the passion that you have for writing. It's a process of researching, writing, making the words come alive off the page. And if they don't then you will lose your reader. While this was nice and it was great to learn how much you love writing, it really didn't jump off the page at me either.
This is so beautiful. I find myself so touched by such emotion and inspiration, and hope in the death of a young girl. I had a friend who died, and thoughts of him never fail to make me so sad, feel so helpless, like I should have and could have done more for him. It's so hard sometimes to accept that life is temporary, and that as much as we want our angels to stay, they aren't ours to keep. Your lyrics remind me that those I have loved and lost are in a better place where they don't hurt anymore. Thank you for that...and for directing me to your portfolio...it will take me forever to get through it, but your writing is so very good!
I enjoyed the creativity and the real annoyance of the mirror. I also enjoyed the fact that you took a well known story and used and object from it to do this piece. I find that sometimes those can be some of the funniest pieces. I think you have grammatically done well, and I didn't notice any spelling errors, Overall this short piece was very good! I liked it a lot.
There is such strength in your memories given such loss. Death can be sad, but when you choose to celebrate a life well lived, and a Lord that is calling one home to rest for a while, Death can be such an unscary thing. I enjoy the strength and positivity that exudes from every word.
Grammatically and spelling wise it is perfect, and poetry wise it is great. It is so very touching and I think inspiring to those facing loss.
This is a very sweet, lovely tribute to your wife. It is technically correct as a poem and there are no spelling errors so I can give no advice there. But I can say that it is so very nice to see that there are still great men out there that know how much a good woman is worth. :)
The line, I kept growing own and own? I am not sure what you mean...did you mean on and on? If you mean own the symbolism is lost on me. The line From then onwards...leave off the s on onward. In the beginning you use the word harass and then two lines later use it again. It would be better to find a synonym. You begin the poem with I...I am just not sure that it works, it was very confusing.
Overall the poem is very in your face and if you want that, it is okay. I also write poems that break all the rules and are very in your face, however...I can't say that people will really find this to be a good poem. When people read poetry they want to read things that are uplifting. But hell look at Poe, he wrote the most depressing stuff in the world and people loved it. I don't like the ending. It is so very in your face and then you seem to soften it with the last line....
Joy, I always love your poems. They are so inspirational and beautiful. What can be said about a beautiful poem praising the United States and Uplifting the human Race. Technically it is solid. I don't see any error spelling, grammatically or otherwise so all I can do is praise you and tell you to please keep writing!!
I have nothing bad to say about this!!! I see why this has an award! I came to it because I saw it had been recently awarded and because I love cats. Mine is a menace but we love her to death lol and you just wrote this so sweetly and so perfectly. If my cat could talk, I wonder what she would say about us....actually I'd hate to hear it because she's prissy lol. This is perfection! Great Job.
You have several different topics of discussion here. Science and technology are two very different things and they must be looked at as two different subjects. I think you also fail to consider Math and medicine as their own subjects as well as Military advances and Weaponry specialist who yes may train in a science specialty but to use science as a generalization is wrong. To even compare it to the generalization of a knife and that we use it and think of it so often, so lightly, or so subjectively is wrong. Or at the very least a very simplistic view.
Your sentence structure is choppy and it seems that if you stuck to one subject long enough to make a thorough paragraph to make a good point, perhaps the choppiness of it might dissipate, but as it is, it seems like you run from one subject to the next without regard to writing style or how an article should be written.
There is no evidence to back up your opinions and there needs to be.
Don't give up. This can be fixed, and this can turn out well with some polish and work, I have some articles that I have let sit for a while until I figure them out or figure out what I really want to say with them. I've put them up here and gotten advice...and trust me, bad reviews are the hardest to get but they are also the best because they will help you really pear down your article to it's most polished, best piece of work you can do. So keep writing and be don't ever give up!!
I like this chapter. I have to say with so much dialogue, you would do well to show their emotions with a little more actions. A sigh, a touch to the cheek, just as you have done, but a little more. Read it out loud to yourself, and you will catch places you have switch tenses....at times you switch from third person t second, and you need to stay in third. Again your wording is somewhat formal and in a way telling, but less so than in the first chapter...I think that is because this was so much more dialogue than the first chapter. You also had some issues with wording...where the wording doesn't make sense, or it's chunky...but this is a draft and all writers have that. In a read over you will catch that. Content wise I really thought this was better and I am definitely interested in moving on. Great job.
What I see is a storyteller telling a story. What I don't feel is like I'm in the story feeling what the characters feel, seeing what the characters see etc. There is a huge difference between showing and telling, and often it can make the difference between just an okay book and an excellent book. Your descriptions are mild, they don't give me any true sense of what is really going on. You need to think of of how you would want something described to you. Would you be able to really see it with the way you have described it? Think about the language you use....every single word has meaning. This isn't a movie where people are watching actors on a screen. Your words are creating the picture for your audience. Consider using contractions in narrative, if not during speech otherwise it comes off as very formal. Storywise, you spend a lot of time letting us know that the king does not want to rebuild, or invest more time into this city. This story is not something that is bad, it is a first draft and has definite potential if you work on you showing vs telling which will clear up most of the issues I have brought up here :)
I enjoy your writing. This is not my favorite genre, so maybe it was me, but I found myself confused when the two teachers were fighting and suddenly it seemed they were both thrown out of the class, but by whom and why? And all I kept thinking was is that a better example to show for the class? And again it may be me because this is not my genre but that is the one major problem I had with this piece. Your writing was good, the grammar was good, and I didn't see any other major problems. I do think you have a god story here. I hope that you write more because I would like to see what happens.
Keep up the great writing!!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
This is interesting. I like the characterization and wanted to read more. Be careful of using too many words though because it becomes chunky and hard to read. For example "The angels had told him he was doing well, and he'd relayed this praised on to the others."
You can shorten this to "The angels told him he did well. He relayed this praise to the others." Just taking out those short, sometimes unneeded words can be helpful. Before you do though, read it and make sure it works...I've give this advice to have authors tae out every little word in their manuscript and don't mistake me to be saying they are never needed, they are. It's just tat in some places they are not and when they are not they can slow you down quite a bit.
I really like this poem. I think you did a great job of showing the tumultuous emotion of one in pain. This is so beautiful it reached out and grabbed me and held on to me until the very end. The one thing I don't like and it really comes down to personal taste is the overuse of the ellipticals. I believe regular grammar can do the job and it makes more sense than to use ellipticals.
Hi there. I think you have a great short story here, but you have some issues with POV or head hopping. In the beginning it took a minute but I forged ahead and I think you were in Jordan's. The first edit I would make would be to establish that more clearly, and then make sure that throughout this short piece, you stay in her head and her head only. Now if You aren't sure what POV is, it is taking a character and being completely and totally in their head. Stating only what they think, feel, see, hear, experience etc. If that character couldn't think it, see it, feel it, hear it, know it then you are breaking POV and head hopping and that is a huge no no in the publishing world. It used to be widely accepted but not so much anymore. If you do need to change to another POV you need to write well in one deep POV for a good length of time, and then use a break typically denoted by * * * * centered. And then switch to another POV. But again if you do this every other paragraph it becomes annoying to readers and confusing so you are better to stay in one POV for as long as possible.
Also there is a point where you say "Jordan's emerald eyes stared at me." There is a place for description...but that is not it. In the seriousness of such a situation, would she really be thinking of the color of her eyes?
The whole question over shooting vs poisoning was very confusing to me. And I found myself asking how could one who was there not know there was a shooting, and then when it came out that it was her husband, I thought it unbelievable that she wouldn't know her husband had been shot.
In your last sentence, you need a comma before your end quote because their is a difference between action and speech. If you are going to speak after the quote it is a comma. If action comes after the quote then it would be a period.
Because of the head hopping there are a few places of tense switching. Which is natural because where you are using I you are writing first person present but then when you switch to Jordan's head you write third person past which is also something that you need to work on because you typically would only use one tense per piece, especially in one this short.
I know that seems like a lot of negative, but you had a great idea and the content of the story was very good. It just needed a little more follow through as to how you actually wanted to write it.
It isn't that I don't like this poem, It is more that I don't find the title to be fitting. The title speaks of no hope and Hero's while the poem ends on a hopeful and positive note and makes no mention of Hero's at all. It speaks of the events of 9/11 and wondering what happened that day, and then rising from that and seeing the Statue of Liberty. Not at all in there does any of that have to do with Hero's as much as it does how you felt that day. So I know that has nothing to do with the poem but the title, but sometimes what we name a piece can effect whether or not a person reads it or not. And readers can be extremely picky if they are looking for something specific only to find your piece has nothing to do with what you have named it.
As for the content of your poem I thought it was very good. A nice poem about how you felt on a very sad day. It is written well and has a lot of meaning.
As for content, I like the story. But your writing skills and grasp of using the English Language to write need a whole lot of work. What you need is a good editor, and someone to teach you the basics of writing, and a dictionary. For example There is a difference between Though which should have been used and Through. Went which you used, and When. There is no such word as Pasted. Till is not a word, you would actually use ‘til. There is so much more I could point out but I don’t have the time to edit this piece right now..If you’d like me to, I can, just not at this moment. Also you used numerous tenses in this piece. You need to remain in either 1st person present which is I did I’m going etc…or 3rd person past which is She did, she had, etc. You can’t tense switch like you did. Again if you’d like me to help you I’d be glad to, I just don’t have the time at the moment but over the weekend I have endless amounts of time and can do so and would be happy to help you out. I was a new writer once too, and without the help of the great people here, I might not have kept writing :) So please don’t think honest is harsh, just honest.
If you edit this piece I will be happy to come back and reconsider my rating.
I am not quite sure what I am reading here. An article? A piece of fiction? A blog entry? Whatever it is, you obviously mean it to be funny, but the sheer number of mistakes in it draws away from it. For example, it is utterly, not udderly. When you are listing things you would just say first, blah blah blah then Second, not secondly…or next… I have no clue why you started with that little bit about vampires because you spoke nothing more about vampires so that really needs to be taken out. Overall you need to find someone to read this and edit it, and you need to decide what this is. You insert yourself into it a lot and for piece of fiction that’s a no no but if it is a blog, or article it’s different. So how I would critique otherwise would depend on what you classify this as. It’s not bad in terms of content. I think you’ve worked hard to come up with something funny and memorable. And that’s what writing is all about. Great job!
In the very first line, I think it should be just imagine.
In the paragraph that begins The young child begins...that whole paragraph is present tense, except the last sentence. It is strange to have a tense switch like that for one sentence. Even Though it's true you do switch tenses in your final sentence it's different because you are kind of looking back on the whole event to sum it up and it makes a little more sense.
Overall reading this piece made me feel good. It made me long for the joy of Christmas. One of my favorite times of year! You captured the beauty of the birth of Christ through this lovely song so well. Great job.
This is a really beautiful poem. I am trying to focus on the meaning. Is it about lovers, or is it about one person overcoming adversity? Either way your words are beautiful and this poem is so meaningful. I really don't see any errors in it. It is really good. Thank you very much for sharing!
Keep writing!
I am not sure why you were rated so low for this. Sure it is boring, but it is exactly what you say it is...A short instructional to Petrarchan Sonnets. Perhaps it would help if you make the description say something like that. Your writing is clear and I do understand what you are saying in this instructional. Because you reference your own piece, I suggest you link to it. Also if you got this information from anywhere it is customary to reference it. And please don't take offense to that...I am not saying that you plagiarized...only that most educational pieces have information or ideas that have at least been thought of from another source.
This is so lovely. Full of hope and peace. Written so well I could feel myself in the character's head...in the beginning. I wanted more though, I found this so likable that it came as rushed and that I didn't like. I would love it if you picked this back up and made it a little longer. She loses one son...then you say the other is sick. With what? Does he die? How is this affecting her and her husband? There are just so many questions I had that it ended up being too rushed, for such a great character.
Your poem has a wonderful positive message, but the lack of grammar and what grammar is there is used mistakenly leads to problems with the flow of the piece. The word towards should always be toward. You use the word deprecating, and it should be depreciating in order to match your rhyming scheme. Speaking of your rhyming scheme, have you tried writing this in a non rhyming way? If you did perhaps your wonderful positive message would be received in a less cheesy way. As it is, trying to make the rhymes makes this somewhat cheesy and very unlikable at times....like "As John Mayer sang "Waiting On The World to Change recently, It is up to you and me to better our lots in this life completely" and there are one or two others like that which are just a little odd.
"I use to see her every day" It should be I used to see her every day" "And unparalleled requitness" It should be Requietness. Those are the only two errors I saw. I found this poem to be fascinating. I really like the pace and the rhythm and flow as the poem comes together. Your descriptive words and making us feel her as a woman with a real dark streak gives a wonderful visualization of this woman. I enjoyed your poem very much. Thanks for sharing.
Keep writing!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lilladybug
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 3:07pm on Apr 25, 2024 via server web2.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
