|Hi there. I think you have a great short story here, but you have some issues with POV or head hopping. In the beginning it took a minute but I forged ahead and I think you were in Jordan's. The first edit I would make would be to establish that more clearly, and then make sure that throughout this short piece, you stay in her head and her head only. Now if You aren't sure what POV is, it is taking a character and being completely and totally in their head. Stating only what they think, feel, see, hear, experience etc. If that character couldn't think it, see it, feel it, hear it, know it then you are breaking POV and head hopping and that is a huge no no in the publishing world. It used to be widely accepted but not so much anymore. If you do need to change to another POV you need to write well in one deep POV for a good length of time, and then use a break typically denoted by * * * * centered. And then switch to another POV. But again if you do this every other paragraph it becomes annoying to readers and confusing so you are better to stay in one POV for as long as possible.
Also there is a point where you say "Jordan's emerald eyes stared at me." There is a place for description...but that is not it. In the seriousness of such a situation, would she really be thinking of the color of her eyes?
The whole question over shooting vs poisoning was very confusing to me. And I found myself asking how could one who was there not know there was a shooting, and then when it came out that it was her husband, I thought it unbelievable that she wouldn't know her husband had been shot.
In your last sentence, you need a comma before your end quote because their is a difference between action and speech. If you are going to speak after the quote it is a comma. If action comes after the quote then it would be a period.
Because of the head hopping there are a few places of tense switching. Which is natural because where you are using I you are writing first person present but then when you switch to Jordan's head you write third person past which is also something that you need to work on because you typically would only use one tense per piece, especially in one this short.
I know that seems like a lot of negative, but you had a great idea and the content of the story was very good. It just needed a little more follow through as to how you actually wanted to write it.
Keep up the great writing!!
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