Super cool imagery. I love the way it flows and shocks with it's unorthodox expressions. I wonder what you talk about when you're not writing. I think the piece is flawless, without any grammatical errors or misspelled words. are you going to expand on this character? If so, I'd like to read it.
a few suggestions/opinions
indeed caught four large fish. (I'd give these fish a name trout, bass, etc.)
having drank (drunk)
All ya’ll want it." (I know this is slang but it doesn't sound right)
I like the piece, it keeps you guessing and has a nice twist at the end (no pun intended).
Some suggestions:
but that didn't feel like his name either... I either doesn't fit here)
his last he knew, (nor sure what this means)
thrown him out by twenty-three.. (the reader can assume it's his 23rd year, but why not make it totally clear?)
He'd burnt all his bridges and there was no going back along the path he had come.( This sounds redundant. if you burn your bridges, you can't take the same path back.)
those woods (which woods?)
shepherding had finished (had ended)
and woodsmen, laughing and working and sleeping and singing...( 4x "and" is too repetitive )
it had gone altogether. (it disappeared completely)
At first it wondered if still dreamt (if it was still dreaming). Also your pov just changed to the house... I'm not sure you want to go there. You could say "it was like" or "as if" )
if love is not too strong a word, loving him. (if it's not love why say loving?)
I think the biggest problem with this story is you seem to be trying to hard. It come across to me as stilted. Why not just write it like you think and feel? Also, as mentioned the pov changes from the man to the house. I think you could refine this story and make it much better.
i hope this was helpful
Do you remember that first year…I thought we would have killed each other,” he laughed as he rubbed his hands together nervously.
“I cannot lie. I wanted to kill you that first year,” she said looking at him.
“Well thanks a lot, jerk,” he laughed.
(You don't need he said , she said over and over even if you add some small action with it.For example;
Do you remember that first year…I thought we would have killed each other,” he laughed .
“I can't lie. I wanted to kill you that first year.” (I like can't more than cannot)
“Well thanks a lot, jerk."
slip of the roof. (off)
“What the hell are you thinking,” he asked panicked. ( Here for example I'd drop he asked panicked. 1st we know it's him, 2nd the sentence coveys a worried/panicky feeling . So you don't need it. You make it flow better and don't have he said , she said over and over.
“You can’t,” she whispered, kissing him lightly. (she's falling off a building, can't hold on but still is kissing him?)
He then closed his eyes, tears slipping down his cheeks as he threw himself off of the building. How about :(He closed his eyes, tears running down his cheeks and jumped off the building.
I like this story. It's got that edgy feeling that hold my attention completely--no bla bla prose here!
I can't find anywhere to help you improve this poem. it's really perfect to a layman like me. The mechanical way it unfolds is really brilliant. I tried reading it as you suggested and it enhanced the effect. The last two lines were my favorites. But "electric revulsion", "jolts of surreal" just sound great.
A frantic thought popped into Dorian’s mind. (Frantic? no! plus I think it hit him in the gut, not popped! I'd rewrite this sentence)
his dad answered as he walked away down the short but brightly lit hallway... (he said all that as he walked away? plus, if you use this then say: as he walked down the ... )
Shaking his head as though to clear his mind (Who does that?)
Dorian stood mouth agape as he watched (He stood and watched all that activity?) how about: He was shocked to find a bee hive of activity: Fred and...)
Another uncle, not the drunk,... Do we know who this drunk is? It seems out of context. You could just as well have said: not the homosexual, the playboy, pervert, etc.)
Dorian muttered to himself... (nobody mutters sentences that long to himself--why not just say. he thought. Also, don't repeat his name, we know who it is.)
and climbed out of his window. (climbed out his window,)
Dorian yelled, shocked. (I'd drop this and just say: Married? )
This is a fun read. The above are just suggestions to make the story a bit tighter.
The turning car beings to swerve (begins)
skid marks (its skid marks)
falls off of the bonnet and onto the road (falls off the bonnet onto the road.)
another dull, generic, suburban home. (this is getting repetitive, we already know they're uniform, boring etc.)
... over to the passenger seat in the back, aggressively opening the door. (to the patrol car and aggressively opens the back passenger door.)
look of apathy (what exactly is such a look?)
A kind, but exhausted look of mixed fear and hopelessness overwhelmingly comes through in his eyes. Kion looks at the man sadly, sensing a familiar aura of tiredness and fear. ( Whose pov are these two sentences?)
“Well thankyou, ( thanks)
Kion replies with a dark stare before bluntly commanding “You’re coming with me”
I'd just say: You're coming with me." That's blunt enough, in other words less is more and it flows better.
he nervously requests (drop this ,it's obvious)
Kion turns away, leading him away, its five minutes of following.... (Rewrite this sentence! its cumbersome and unclear)
Gotta run here, if you want me to continue let me know if this was helpful. I really like this story, it has potential. It has an edgy feel which is what I like to write. I'd like to hear what you think about The Rebel Clown Army posted here by me it too has people kicking cops and is fighting the mindless norm.
Linggy
“Excuse me, sir but-” (Excuse me sir, but--" say it out loud and punctuate for natural sound)
he wailed tearfully. drop all of this, we know who said it)
“That’s it! I’ve had it!” he yelled (drop "he yelled" We have a very good idea how he said it unless it was other than what the reader expected )
I told the bearded man (you already told us he had a beard, just say: I said)
after I finished telling my story. (drop this, we know you just finished the story)
My suggestion is less is better! Make it flow! Don't repeat the same information unless you really have to.
i like the story. It kept my interest. i too have a clown story here ( The Rebel Clown Army). i'd appreciate it if you gave it a review.
I think the title is inappropriate! I started reading it because i expected to literally "see" the world through a cat's eyes. This seems to be a teeny story???
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