Oh, this is great! I love the humor of this and the descriptions are cool. I found nothing to correct or help you with. It's perfect as it stands. Strange twist of fate here: I just wrote you an email and suggested reading something from my novel. Now I want to recommend my Poker Shark Novice. It's short and you might find it amusing.
No, not god after all that. I was disappointed by the ending. you had this cool, albeit weird, druggy, loser character, ranting on and in a strange way it was cool, original, etc. And then wham, he's back searching in the superstition bag for ....what?
Anyway that's my take on the story.
Besides that I hate the way you chopped this thing up, I almost stopped reading it at least 6 times. Naturally, it was planned by you. But what for? I'd suggest using perfect punctuation and spacing so we know you are making mistakes as an author, not as a writer.
Here's a few examples where the mistakes are over the top:
been gentle with me none either. (drop none, even someone with bad English wouldn't say that))
streetpeople. street people
look at the book (looked)
ask them to fix it? (him)
Despite all this this piece has a gritty, earthy feel that kept me reading.
Keep a knockin'
Linggy
A global family? It sounds like another planet. We can't even be fair to one another within our own borders .
You have outlined some of the problems, but I don't think we can ask the greedy rich (not all are but many for sure) to share. We have to unite and make this society more equitable. That seems to be happening in Western Europe , but not here.
I found one mistake:
Why don’t the appreciate (Why don’t they appreciate)
huh? I admit I had 2 glasses of wine at lunch but this piece has me bewildered. what are you talking about? I'm confused?
I#m rating this a 4 only because I don't want to lower a perhaps good rating. is this a piece about paranoia?
a few suggestions:
If they came for me now I'd probably (If they came for me now, I'd probably ....comma)
But what would make me save her then? (redundant here.. how about: But what?)
If I were in a better frame of mind I would've (If I were in a better frame of mind, (comma) I would've
Not bad, but there are too many mistakes to allow it to flow for the reader the way it could.
My suggestions:
Prologue
one of those guys who are... ( guys who is) ...who he is?
crash which put me in (crash that...)
is hell im not gonna lie ( I'm not...)
Everybody there treats you like crap Everybody here...)
program” which ensures (comma after program)
groups, not the (groups: not the
and lets not forget the gangsters (musicians, and most of all, not the gangsters.)
involved in and the parents would just frown (involved in, and the parents would just frown...
few know about this organization (about it)
Finally why tell us the story in your title?
I think you should rewrite this and be sure to keep the time in the same tense. Is it the past or the present? You skip back and forth and it's confusing.
Linggy
nice, emotional, tearing at one's heart. I've been through hurricanes and they are not like tornadoes that come and go quickly. These beasts of nature blow around for a long time.
Some suggestions:
and she wouldn’t change the channel. (I'd put yet or still in place of and)
...communication was... ( I'd put a comma between these words)
ever have Margaret... (I'd say sit with Margaret..)
Strong essay with a great amount of passion. I found no errors and mistakes in it. You ask where have the Yippees gone. Actually come to think of it Rebel Clowns today are the first group who come to my mind. That's probably why you liked my 1st chapter.
Keep a knockin'
I like what you have, especially since we can just read the first words: run, look, pass, etc.
So far so good., but basketball is played on both sides of the court. You gave us one offensive play, you might want to consider a steal, a foul, a travel, a blocked shot, the refs, coming in off the bench, fouling out, a 3 pointer at the buzzer, overtime and so on.
Oh, this is a fun read. I'm not much for military tales but this was has just the right amount of humor, and shock effect to make it delightful. Nice job!
a few suggestions:
When the crier cried the news (how about: roared, barked, yelled)
How they'd do those Frenchmen hurt (I know hurt rhymes with shirt, but to do someone hurt? I think you need something else here)
But there’s one thing true as true (how about: But there’s one thing completely true)
I suspect that her death shocked you and this piece reflects that. It seems to contain a mix of aristocratic flair on the one hand and sadness on the other.
I have several suggestions/ corrections here. Some of them should be made, others are just my opinion. See what you think.
She grew up “privileged”, not a “snob”. (I'd say: She grew up privileged, but was never a snob.)
In September of 1967 it was the collapse of the Althorps’ 14 year marriage. (I'd say: In September of 1967 the Althrop's14 year marriage collapsed.)
Because they, in 1954 were called “the society wedding of the year” ( I'd say: Because they were called “the society wedding of the year" in 1954,)
This was such in the first place. (I'm not sure what you are saying here.)
...a breed... (this doesn't fit here. the cause or one of the causes)
When the romance wooed (After checking a dictionary I think wooed is incorrect here. How about blossomed, flourished, etc).
There he was in her life! Considered to be the world’s most eligible bachelor. (How about : Suddenly, the world’s most eligible bachelor was part of her life.)
What good was a poor girl good for this? (2x good)
mental bouts took shape (how about occurred)
On September 1, at 36... (I'd say at the age of 36)
So so many flowers.... (how about. Numerous bouquets of flowers...)
This is a really cute tale. You have an excellent knack to "get it right" as to the story and feelings of your characters.
I hope these suggestions will make it better.
was time, for (no comma here)
weeks. I'd (no period here)
stage.She'd (put space here)
'' What's that, Mom?'' ''
It's just stuff for the lawn, honey.''
'' What kind of stuff?'' etc.
( Start a new paragraph each time the person changes in a dialog.)
quest.'' (guests)
Interesting, your take on dandelions. I find them so beautiful when they cover a field (or somebody's lawn.) The trick is to have your daughter blow them into the wind helping them spread! They say in a pinch you can also eat the leaves in a salad (ha!).
This kind of poem is down my alley, but there's a fork in the road and we go separate ways on what to do about the injustices in the world. I think this is not for everyone's taste but it is strong.
It's well written and makes the biblical case for the rich to do more for the poor or wind up being punished. I'm not a fan of this kind of thinking because it leaves it up to the rich to decide if they want to be "good". As we have witnessed for the past 2000 years, they have no inclination to do just that. That's why in my writings I try to get the people to change the injustices in the world. If you're wrong about there being a god who really cares, nothing happens. Hence, you could be writing rousing poems like this where we the people take some action to better this world before "the money changers" totally blow it up.
Wow, strong stuff! Deep , no fluff here.
I found nothing to criticize except one verb
and for all I know you may need it to fit
in your poem.
But: yet they have at her till she's cried. "have at her" Got another word that better expresses this? perhaps nag, flail, bite,??)
Still I like this!
Okay, I'm not sure if you're trying to be ironic or are serious. You are mixing the two in my opinion. Yes, caffeine is habit forming but what does coke have to do with illicit sex? And the pirate thing is back in the ironic style. I'd suggest you decide what exactly you want to convey in your essay and then work toward that.
thought about have a coke? (having or perhaps wanting)
This is a romantic and cute story. I never expected an alien would also get in the act. Cool!
Here's some edits/ suggestions
lakes sapphire waters (lake's)
placing his right hand next her hand (next to)
she brushed a blonde hair... ( - blond- only one strand of hair?)
The fork directly ahead of them (the road. Maybe you should use "paths" in this entire section.)
‘Of course, Aunt Lena!’” (I'd use a period here.)
Kara sit down (sat)
relaxed with a stranger (this stranger)
during the dark of the moon (Is this an expression? I've never heard it.)
letting guest go (guests)
honey mooned (honeymooned)
spread mustard on a pickle then wrap a tomato around it (How do you wrap a tomato around anything? A slice perhaps?)
By the way I read you opening piece on the snow and the red fox in another folder and thought it was absolutely wonderful.
Rodger rowed toward the center of the lake (Mark)
Okay, this is not really knocking me over. First off, I think the spacing is too big. I'd change the word dirt. Left over food isn't really dirt...There must be a better word out there. Then wishes rhymes with dishes but what does it mean?
As I said in my other review, I don't write poetry so I may be way off base here!
Interesting piece. it kept my attention and has some funny, spooky ,yet nice touches.
A few suggestions:
"No really." (I'd say: No! Really?)
"So how long have you been having this nightmare?" Penney asked,.. (Is penny a witch too? You give the impression that she's spooked out when Willow "knows" more than normal people. otherwise how does she know this?)
dropped in three prickly pear cactus spines, some red wine,... (How do you drop in some wine? Why not just pout it at the end?)
his ball cap and worrying it (worrying might fit here, but I think you could find a better verb)
I'm can't really judge poetry--prose is my thing. But this is good, nay it is better than good, it's excellent.
I have just become a fan of this poem and wish you the best with it. I found no mistakes with grammar or spelling.
I think you would enjoy the manuscript I have just finished called The Rebel Clown Army which has a strong anti-war, anti-globalism theme. You might want to check out the first chapter by the same name or perhaps my Anti-globalism Strip Tease in the Park excerpt.
Linggy
Aww this is too much fun to end like that! This story was grooving along holding my attention while I kept thinking "where is this going?" and then bam our protagonist is dead.
Needless to say I liked it. I found no errors in grammar or spelling. it's a nice entry for the contest. Good luck.
this caught me by surprise. i though it was just teeny love. Cool!
Some suggestions:
could just make out his (her)
a hard time every time ( 2 x time, I'd say whenever)
she had scraped knees and long, brown hair, ( I'd rewrite this, you can't scrape hair)
Even all those years ago, (I'd cut this)
business, if ( comma)
How's it look (how does it look)
You have a knack for telling an interesting story but have way too many errors that disturb the story.
Just some of them:
payed
afterwords
then instead of than
My parents were never really around to tell me to or give me a ride home, (tell you what?)
stood there taking big long breath, (one or many?) I always forget how cold it gets as it (what does this "it" refer to?) draws nearer the harsh winters
... and slowed to a slow walk, you're repeating the same thing.
to go look for their siblings (just say to look for)
there are many other mistakes besides these!
Super cool imagery. I love the way it flows and shocks with it's unorthodox expressions. I wonder what you talk about when you're not writing. I think the piece is flawless, without any grammatical errors or misspelled words. are you going to expand on this character? If so, I'd like to read it.
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