Nice piece. It needs some work but you've got a nice casual style. I suggest that you check out some stuff on commas. there's a ton of free sites dealing with grammar and punctuation.
Some suggestions:
But little did they know (comma) I had
Of course (comma) that was
passed away (comma) and all I
later. But he (later, but he)
at that moment. ("time" is better because it's longer)
In June (comma) I went
somewhere neutral (where) I could lie
Sometime later he and I began talking again, and we finally got back together in July.
And on December 23,( On December 23,...)
It was amazing to me. To think (It was amazing to think ...)
This piece has some potential but needs more work. Be sure to separate sentences when someone new is talking!
some suggestions:
Of course (comma) it was because
older than he was, and his aquiantances (older than he and his acquaintances were)
He looked over at her, she looked a little worried (He noticed that she looked worried.)
"I feel so much better..." she said on a sarcastic note. (start a new paragraph every time another person talks).
and in their seats. (...and to remain in their seats.)
She believed him.
"Later today we are going to get our rooms, go out to eat....maybe some dancing.......Do you like to dance"?
"Yes I like to dance." ( 3 separate lines.)
So we have a date"? he said laughing (with) her hand still at his lips.
"Yes it's a date. Thank-God!" she said.
"Yes Thank-God," he agreed.
This is a well written, strong piece that should be published somewhere. Great job.. It oozes with pain and sincere feelings.
My suggestions:
i bet you don't smoke. That went too fast to burn down to the filter. You need some more drags there.
looked inside with a sigh and a smile. (is this even possible?)
began to read: (reading)
“Click,” it replied. ( Drop it replied, this is evident)
In the transition where we know he's not in Emily's room I'd put: ******* on one line, to know that there's a total change in time scene, etc.
I hope you check out something from my portfolio for example The Rebel Clown Army which is the opening chapter in my novel. I have a feeling you'll find something to improve.
Keep a knockin'
Linggy
The animals jumping for joy in their untutored ignorance of a
clock. This sentence jumped off the page and made me want to go climb a tree!
This was the only one I didn't like:
How is our friend Life feeling about life these (these what? and how does live become our friend? and feel?)
minor points!
The poem is fun, light, and asks the reader to reflect on what's this whole thing called the universe all about.
nice job!
This sounds like reality. If it's pure fiction, good job. If it's your life I'm sorry. Either way though you've got so writing talent. I'd suggest not so many capital words let the power of the words speak for themselves. Also it's just incorrect to put two punctuation marks like this (?!) together.
a few more suggestions:
happening," The shrink ( the shrink)
I jumped from my desk... (jumped up....)
mom. Black eye (mom with a black....)
six-year-old (or 16?)
Very creative, fun read. Like I done said before yous got a good way to tell a story. I honestly believe that's the most important barometer whether somebody can make money in the writing business. Some people can, others can't.
Do you play poker? Seems that you like this topic.
A few picky suggestions:
him sayin' he was on the dodge....( I don't think the "him" works here. Just start with sayin'...
it a little bit.We.... (I'd drop "little" and just use "a bit")
come into the (I'd use "came" or perhaps "done come" because your character is using the past tense.
prolly (I never heard this before, you?)
I like this. It's a cute parody, but still I know the feeling. It's your style that attracts me though. You entertain!
nuff said.
A few suggestions:
I tried to stop, but I could think of nothing but writing that short story that occurred to me.
how about: I tried to stop, but could only think about writing a short story that occurred to me.
.....and left only with one pen and tablet. how about: ...and with only one pen and tablet. (tablet meaning notebook?)
library (comma) I happened ...
I like this piece. You have the ability to make your story interesting and entertaining which is something that far too often is lacking even with published authors.
Some suggestions:
He moved and talked faster. (who? Your dad or your uncle?)
his already shiny shoes (already doesn't fit well here)
to graduations (our graduations)
was so very ill, (I'd drop "so")
I am so glad that (Got something better than so glad?)
Oh, this is great! I love the humor of this and the descriptions are cool. I found nothing to correct or help you with. It's perfect as it stands. Strange twist of fate here: I just wrote you an email and suggested reading something from my novel. Now I want to recommend my Poker Shark Novice. It's short and you might find it amusing.
This has the feel of reality rather than fiction. A strong piece with some problems with commas. A few things were too formal and wordy for a couple breaking up.
Also, couldn't he have interrupted you, at least once? If he is that patient, maybe there is hope for the relationship! I feel this could be stronger with some more dialog and shorter sentences, but I suspect you'll write back and say: nope, that's the way it was and I'm leaving it like that.
Some suggestions:
tuxedo clad(comma) 6 year old(comma) soon to be (comma) step son who was yelling, (This could be rewritten.)
For some unknown reason (comma) it still turned out to be her wedding day and he, (remove this comma)still turned out to be the groom.
That is the back story. (not clear)
marriage (comma) the children
really hard (I'd drop really: hard is hard)
After all (comma) as
I am done. (Got something better than this?)
Now, that's it I will... (I'd say That's it. I'll take the kids to (the movies, my sister, the mall etc.) ...
The Bug out front is yours and the address of your apartment is on the seat. (You rented him a place before you actually broke up with him?)
I really do still love you. (how about : I still love you but it 's over.
Fun read. I'm sorry some of the references mean nothing to me. For example: Edith and Maude, who are they?
I don't like (get) they'll have a cow. (a cow?) Okay it rhymes with now but......
No, not god after all that. I was disappointed by the ending. you had this cool, albeit weird, druggy, loser character, ranting on and in a strange way it was cool, original, etc. And then wham, he's back searching in the superstition bag for ....what?
Anyway that's my take on the story.
Besides that I hate the way you chopped this thing up, I almost stopped reading it at least 6 times. Naturally, it was planned by you. But what for? I'd suggest using perfect punctuation and spacing so we know you are making mistakes as an author, not as a writer.
Here's a few examples where the mistakes are over the top:
been gentle with me none either. (drop none, even someone with bad English wouldn't say that))
streetpeople. street people
look at the book (looked)
ask them to fix it? (him)
Despite all this this piece has a gritty, earthy feel that kept me reading.
Keep a knockin'
Linggy
A global family? It sounds like another planet. We can't even be fair to one another within our own borders .
You have outlined some of the problems, but I don't think we can ask the greedy rich (not all are but many for sure) to share. We have to unite and make this society more equitable. That seems to be happening in Western Europe , but not here.
I found one mistake:
Why don’t the appreciate (Why don’t they appreciate)
huh? I admit I had 2 glasses of wine at lunch but this piece has me bewildered. what are you talking about? I'm confused?
I#m rating this a 4 only because I don't want to lower a perhaps good rating. is this a piece about paranoia?
a few suggestions:
If they came for me now I'd probably (If they came for me now, I'd probably ....comma)
But what would make me save her then? (redundant here.. how about: But what?)
If I were in a better frame of mind I would've (If I were in a better frame of mind, (comma) I would've
Not bad, but there are too many mistakes to allow it to flow for the reader the way it could.
My suggestions:
Prologue
one of those guys who are... ( guys who is) ...who he is?
crash which put me in (crash that...)
is hell im not gonna lie ( I'm not...)
Everybody there treats you like crap Everybody here...)
program” which ensures (comma after program)
groups, not the (groups: not the
and lets not forget the gangsters (musicians, and most of all, not the gangsters.)
involved in and the parents would just frown (involved in, and the parents would just frown...
few know about this organization (about it)
Finally why tell us the story in your title?
I think you should rewrite this and be sure to keep the time in the same tense. Is it the past or the present? You skip back and forth and it's confusing.
Linggy
nice, emotional, tearing at one's heart. I've been through hurricanes and they are not like tornadoes that come and go quickly. These beasts of nature blow around for a long time.
Some suggestions:
and she wouldn’t change the channel. (I'd put yet or still in place of and)
...communication was... ( I'd put a comma between these words)
ever have Margaret... (I'd say sit with Margaret..)
Strong essay with a great amount of passion. I found no errors and mistakes in it. You ask where have the Yippees gone. Actually come to think of it Rebel Clowns today are the first group who come to my mind. That's probably why you liked my 1st chapter.
Keep a knockin'
I like what you have, especially since we can just read the first words: run, look, pass, etc.
So far so good., but basketball is played on both sides of the court. You gave us one offensive play, you might want to consider a steal, a foul, a travel, a blocked shot, the refs, coming in off the bench, fouling out, a 3 pointer at the buzzer, overtime and so on.
Oh, this is a fun read. I'm not much for military tales but this was has just the right amount of humor, and shock effect to make it delightful. Nice job!
a few suggestions:
When the crier cried the news (how about: roared, barked, yelled)
How they'd do those Frenchmen hurt (I know hurt rhymes with shirt, but to do someone hurt? I think you need something else here)
But there’s one thing true as true (how about: But there’s one thing completely true)
I suspect that her death shocked you and this piece reflects that. It seems to contain a mix of aristocratic flair on the one hand and sadness on the other.
I have several suggestions/ corrections here. Some of them should be made, others are just my opinion. See what you think.
She grew up “privileged”, not a “snob”. (I'd say: She grew up privileged, but was never a snob.)
In September of 1967 it was the collapse of the Althorps’ 14 year marriage. (I'd say: In September of 1967 the Althrop's14 year marriage collapsed.)
Because they, in 1954 were called “the society wedding of the year” ( I'd say: Because they were called “the society wedding of the year" in 1954,)
This was such in the first place. (I'm not sure what you are saying here.)
...a breed... (this doesn't fit here. the cause or one of the causes)
When the romance wooed (After checking a dictionary I think wooed is incorrect here. How about blossomed, flourished, etc).
There he was in her life! Considered to be the world’s most eligible bachelor. (How about : Suddenly, the world’s most eligible bachelor was part of her life.)
What good was a poor girl good for this? (2x good)
mental bouts took shape (how about occurred)
On September 1, at 36... (I'd say at the age of 36)
So so many flowers.... (how about. Numerous bouquets of flowers...)
This is a really cute tale. You have an excellent knack to "get it right" as to the story and feelings of your characters.
I hope these suggestions will make it better.
was time, for (no comma here)
weeks. I'd (no period here)
stage.She'd (put space here)
'' What's that, Mom?'' ''
It's just stuff for the lawn, honey.''
'' What kind of stuff?'' etc.
( Start a new paragraph each time the person changes in a dialog.)
quest.'' (guests)
Interesting, your take on dandelions. I find them so beautiful when they cover a field (or somebody's lawn.) The trick is to have your daughter blow them into the wind helping them spread! They say in a pinch you can also eat the leaves in a salad (ha!).
This kind of poem is down my alley, but there's a fork in the road and we go separate ways on what to do about the injustices in the world. I think this is not for everyone's taste but it is strong.
It's well written and makes the biblical case for the rich to do more for the poor or wind up being punished. I'm not a fan of this kind of thinking because it leaves it up to the rich to decide if they want to be "good". As we have witnessed for the past 2000 years, they have no inclination to do just that. That's why in my writings I try to get the people to change the injustices in the world. If you're wrong about there being a god who really cares, nothing happens. Hence, you could be writing rousing poems like this where we the people take some action to better this world before "the money changers" totally blow it up.
Wow, strong stuff! Deep , no fluff here.
I found nothing to criticize except one verb
and for all I know you may need it to fit
in your poem.
But: yet they have at her till she's cried. "have at her" Got another word that better expresses this? perhaps nag, flail, bite,??)
Still I like this!
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