Interesting and well written piece, but somehow I felt a bit buried under a flood of facts. I would have appreciated more of storytelling added to it. But that is of course a matter of taste.
Though your talents as a writer and command on the language show, beyond doubt (says someone who is lacking the fine-tuning of the native speaker).
Thaks for collecting and writing down the salty idioms for us, readers
What should I say? I am completely held by your book (as I followed the link). I am so happy that you have written your experiences with such understanding and skill. Somehow the child care system always had my interest, seeing many documentaries about it, but that is not the same as inside-experiences.
Your story and your own understanding of what happened brings child-care so much closer. Of course, your story is just YOUR story, but still I feel that it gives a lot of insight, also because your experiences are diverse.
I admire your strength to write it down in the way you did and not as a tear-jerker (how ever justified that may be). Of course, I don't know you as a person, but to me it seems you have developed into a very good and mature writer to say the least. I hope that I am right if I say that you have "survived" the child-care system. (I am not questioning the need for such a system, but it seems to have a huge impact on children, of which also you are proof, and we all know the stories of children needlesly taken away from the surroundings in which they were doing rather well, to end up in much worse situations in the care-system)
Your book is in my favourites, I read the first four chapters. I have the feeling that I have come across a very important "piece of writing".
Thank you so much for making your story available to us!
I think this is a poem of beautiful floating atmosphere, captured in original symbolism. I feel that you really succeeded to express your mood. Thus creating a personal poem of profound quality. I love it!
some lines which caught my eye: "Pulsating between the real and surreal." Ah, beautiful and conveying a feeling that can hardly be captured and yet you managed to do that, pulsating a perfect word for it. "Serenity beyond my sight" simply a lovely line. "Peace beyond all wealth." wonderful line; says it all.
The word "piroquette" I could not find in the dictionary. Is this a new word, using your artistic freedom ? Or did you mean to write "pirouette"?
A really beautiful little poem, that I like a lot!
Welcome to writing.com (WDC). Great that you joined us! I hope you will enjoy a lot here. If you have any question, please never hesitate to ask me or any other member.
My Impression: I love this story! It was a real enjoyment to read and you seem to have a vivid imagination!
Style and Contents: Your style is very nice to read: humouristic, writing about unusual things, as if it were a matter-of-fact! Great! Nice details, my feeling is that you wrote the story with attention and care.
The contents is really interesting about a gatekeeper of a very special Gate and his heroic customers. You portray him in a lively manner and with developed character.
Remarks:
I saw a typo in line ten: the --> they.
My feeling is that in the last few lines you started to hurry the story, it seems written with less care, the sentences of the Gatekeeper become sort of staccato, the quality is a bit less than in the start (but still good, don't worry too much!) and that while these last lines are actually very important as here the true power of the Gatekeeper is revealed.
"For those who in their rush to do great things forget about kindness and politeness, Gate will never open on the other side. They will spend all the time there is in this Universe just hanging in the middle on on=of? nothing.
Most interesting part of the story is that the world is still there, safe and sound, while its impatient saviors spend their sweet time behind my Gate."
In red I have written the few alterations which may enhance the last lines a bit, but it's only my opinion so please happily ignore me
An absolutely very good job! Keep it up, you look like a wonderful writer!
Wishing you a lot of success and satisfaction with your writing and please: Write On!
What a good idea, to build a collection of great poetry. It is also nice of you that other members can post their favourites as well.
This is surely a place to return to regularly, in order to enjoy myself with the selected poems!
One small remark I have: about the colour you used in the introduction to your message forum. For me it was just a bit overdone.
A great forum; an item that deserves to be put in my favourites!
Thank you!
"Pay it forward" is such a meaningful initiative.
But till today I had not heard about it. And I'm very happy that now I do!
The three poems to thank Anonymous are truly wonderful. They give words to the deep meaning that anonymous gifts have.
Thank you for this Guest Book, that completes "PayitForward".
Gabriela, I just don't know how to describe my feelings when reading your items in this folder. They touch the depth of my soul, leaving me silenced in awe (wish I could use more light words to describe it).
These items are so poetic and yet very understandable, not drowned in unusual words and symbolisms.
I can identify deeply with every poem.
You wrapped me in emotion.
RAOK is a wonderful initiative, very valuable and highly needed, when seeing the lists of active members who lost their paid memberships.
Though there are many such groups now here, which makes me sometimes wonder if it is not getting "splintered" too much and thus losing some upgrading-power. That's why I'm happy to be member of two powerful fundraising groups, The Angel Army and RAOK. Groups that make sure that every GP raised is well spent. Not implying by the way that other groups would not be valuable groups! But I think it's good to keep efforts concentrated.
Thus RAOK deserving our efforts and attention to collect as much GP's as possible!
Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you'll enjoy a lot out here and will become an active member (review your fellow-writers! ) with many creditable items to your name.
My Impression: A very powerful and well written poem, with high class rhyme!
Style and Contents: I'm very impressed with your rhyme: it feels totally natural, it becomes nowhere artificial as is so often the case when rhyme is being used. You seem to have a talent for it! The poem is also very poetic and fluent.
The contents seem rather grim, but your message in the end is actually the opposite. To me your poem feels like a confrontation with the wish to die, the wish to commit suicide I think. Reaching to the conclusion that suicide is not the solution and is not really what you want.... You made me think and it may have this effect on many somber people, or let's at least hope so. A poem that is a bit of a shock-therapy because of its raw contents. I can only laud that!
Remarks:
What I miss in this poem, visually in the first place but also for the ease of reading, is the division in stanza's. And that while the stanza's are already there: just add space before every "Bury your dead". And in the latter part, you should try to find the most logical place to create space (or perhaps simply the same number of lines).
My feeling is that you may be a very talented poet. I would love to see more poems from your hand soon!
Thanks for sharing and please: Write On!
Regards,
Maria
** Image ID #1184382 Unavailable **
Welcome to WDC! I hope you'll soon be able to find your way around this site and will enjoy as much as most of us! If you have questions, don't hesitate to ask.
I like this piece of writing a lot. It is very poetical and it is touching. You described the beautiful day and it's influence on you very well, though I guess you mean it largely figurative. I like also how you try to encourage yourself to live on, inspite of the bad memories which surface unexpectedly.
you made one typo: "birds tell,,,,will BE better days...". "Be" is missing, so please try to edit that.
It's a very short item, but it is complete, I think.
Could you make a poem out of it? That might be really beautiful.
My Impression: I loved this account of a difficult part of your journey. You made a charming read out of a sad situation.
Style and Contents: You tell us about a fearful and sad situation in such a way that the "drama" is reduced to "simply something that happens and better be taken as it comes". You write so open and without self-pity, that the taboo and the fear of all of us might reduce just a little or even more. You succeeded to describe your cancer-treatment in a very engaging manner, it's simply a lovely story. Your writing style, light and ironic and with eye for detail, could turn everything into an interesting read!
Remarks: Seeing three journey-items in your port and even when understanding why you decided to use the title "Journey" for them, yet I feel a slight wish that perhaps you could add a subtitle to each item or give them their own title. Just my feeling - I hope you're not offended in case you are sure "Journey" is the only appropriate title for these items.
Thanks for sharing and please: If you can, have us read more on your journey. It may help any of us to face cancer or other threatening illnesses and stay true to ourselves as much as possible in such situation; at least to me it appears that you succeeded to do so.
Wishing you full recovery and many, many, wonderful days,
Maria
This is not a silly poem, as you wrote to me. It's of painful thoughts and feelings and you have beautifully expressed it. I'm seeing nice poetic lines.
A promising poem!
To make it really great, which potency it has, I think you have to work on it a bit: the last four stanza's end on "ness", which is a good idea, but sadly "darkness" is used twice and the 7th stanza both lines end on "ness". This seems all a bit arbitrary, it would be wonderfull if you could execute these ideas consequently. Same goes for the first four stanza's: 3 ending on "ing" and nr 4 is totally different.
Please don't feel offended because I really find this a very good poem.
I'm looking forward to read more from you!
My Impression: A very good poem about hate, expressing feelings that seem real and plausible.
Style and Contents: The rhyme you used, I like a lot. And you did it without a mistake. The rhythm and flow are also very good, but with one or two minor hick-ups,perhaps.
I'm very happy you stated in your folder, that it is a fictional poem. For the feelings you portray are so lively and imaginable. A perfect description of hate for a partner and the reason for that hate. Great, Sherri!
Remarks: The last line of the second stanza interrupts the flow a bit, in my feeling.
Thanks for sharing and please: Keep on imagining!
Regards,
Maria
** Image ID #1184382 Unavailable **
This is my review of your poem Beautiful Dawn.
I wish to make a footnote though: I'm not yet very experienced and competent....
Impression: A promising and interesting poem, that could benefit from a bit of work...
Rhythm, flow, style: The flow is hampered, because there seems to be no system for rhyme or no rhyme. In this case I think to use no rhyme anywhere would be preferable. As to use rhyme consequently in a poem like this, demands a lot of skill. Without that skill, rhyme becomes soon artificial and disturbing.
You are surely using poetic, lines. Poetic talent shines through, but it needs work to make the poem flow and appeal. See also my remarks.
Remarks: This almost seems like an enumeration of feelings. I think because you hardly used connecting words, like "and", "though" etc. If you would use these, I guess the poem would gain emotional charge and would more involve the reader.
Your last line in it's present form, doesn't enhance the poem, in my idea. You could write something like: "I'll be there....awaiting."
I found this an interesting poem, that has poetic qualities for sure. So please: Write On!
My Impression:A very interesting story, providing enough elements to turn it into a book, I think (what you seem to be considering).
Style and Contents: It is surely well written, but a slightly more picturing the scenes might add even more charm.
An interesting fantasy story, with a I-figure, who feels sympathetic and sensible. Next to that are magic figures of interesting nature. The fort, the talking red horse, so many other things to capture the imagination. Well done!
Judging by a title alone is not a wise thing to do! I thought this was a contest to try and write a songtext and that is not my cup of tea. So end of interest.
But somehow this time I did look further than the title and found these beautiful prompts.
As an inspiration for a poem and not for a song! Had I known it before, now time is so short....
A beautiful contest, with nice prices: I'm gonna take part!
I like this story a lot! It's very sensitive and told with emotion.
You wrote it beautifully, nice style, easy to read, the story flows well.
Somehow here and there I had a bit diificulty to understand, perhaps used a bit too few words to explain the situation to me, reader. It might be my problem though, as I'm not a native English speaker.
My Impression: I like this small poem. Interesting questions asked.
Style and Contents: This poem has a very nice rhythm to it and it's written simple and understandable, yet it has depth! Beautiful, touching questions, full of meaning: "If there is such a thing as hope
Will my heart know the meaning?", just to quote one. Life caught in a few questions.....well done!
Remarks:
- You made two typo's, in the 2nd and 5th line. Please edit them, as this influences the ratings you get.
- In the second stanza, you write "of lust". I would use here "like" or "called" or "as" instead of "of".
-Third stanza: you wrote "the meaning", but everywhere else in the poem you use "it". So perhaps you could use here "it's meaning" as well.
- Behind "If there is such a thing", I think you should either use a different word in each stanza (called, like, as, ?) or use everywhere the same word (called, like). Or two times the same word.... This is perhaps very technical, but it would create more balance in the poem. Now it is just a bit arbitrary.
- Considering your age, I'm really impressed by this poem! And I would also rate it high when you'd be older!
- I like your idea of putting this poem in the form of asking questions!
If you would edit this wonderful little poem, you would deserve a perfect 5!
My Impression: I find this a very impressive poem, both in contents as in "quality".
Style and Contents: There seems little rythm, there is no rhyme, free in style. But yet the poem reads fluent. The contents, full of pain, so aptly expressed, that the apparent lack of rythm does in no way disturb. You put words to your situation and feelings, which convince! Great poem!
Remarks: If you would put the title also in the item-body and would create a bit more space above and below the poem, it would stand out more on the page. Thus enhancing the impact even more.
This is my review of your item "Just A Thought". But I must first of all say that I'm in no way an expert...
First Impression: A nicely written item on a very painful but important subject.
Contents: Asking attention for the painful situation of Alzheimer patients in the first place and for the difficulties of those who care for them, in the second place. You try to give some insight into what these patients might experience. I feel that giving a few more examples could perhaps make it more clear to those who don't know much about Alzheimer. Yet I like it much that you discuss this illness and you do that with clearly much love for the people concerned.
Wording and style: The spaces between all the lines make it look like a pamflet. Thus it might strengthen the plea for consideration of the situation of Alzheimer patients. But the first time I read it, I was a bit confused because of this style. I had to reread it to see that there is a logical sequence in your piece. Words and sentences are ok, but no more than that I think. Though that it is easy understandable is of course very important.
In other words: you might try to rewrite a bit, make it slightly more beautiful and perhaps try to see the effect of making paragraph's instead of loose lines. Who knows that it will become an even better and more appealing item - thus sorting more effect. (Sorry if I make it very complicated now and please don't think that I find it a bad item, as that is no way the case. It's just my feeling that there is place for some improvement)
Pluspoints:
- The warmth and understanding it radiates for the people who suffer from this illness.
- To make it like a plea to the reader, asking to consider the situation of Alzheimer patients.
Remarks:
- On the layout: it looks better and more clear to create ample space at the top and the bottom of the item.
- The title (and part of the first line at the same time) would better stand above the rest of the first line, I think. Thus it would get more attention of the reader.
Very, very beautiful and emotional. You have me in tears. The love and respect for your father, the worry....
Your father brought well across.
As well as the trust and bond between the both of you.
The repetition of the first two lines in each stanza, is so meaningfull in this poem, while else it is often artificial to do like that. And that repetition rounded off, perfected, by the slightly different lines at the end.
Perhaps a few hickups in the flow, but it doesn't matter.
Great poem, I really love it, it reminds me of my relation with my grandfather, who suffered the same problems to his sight.
I hope your father can still give meaning to his life, with your help, in spite of the loss of his most loved books.
I like to review your item "Love". Yet I'm not much more than an inexperienced newbie....so I'm not sure I will be all that useful as a reviewer
My impression: A deep opinion on love, well written
Contents: It seems experience has tought you the difference between first love and true love. Hence you've given an interesting and mature opinion on love.
Wording and style: The wording I find quite beautiful but the style confuses me a bit. I know it's prose, but your chosen words as well as the subject made me wish this was poetry, with a rythm to suit. The present rythm and style do not really enhance the beauty of the item, in my feeling. Also not when being well aware of the fact that this is not a poem.
Pluspoints: Good contents, beautiful lines.
Remarks: Already said before: I'd love to see these beautiful lines with the rythm and the feel of a poem. To enhance the emotionality and to suit the subject and beauty of this item.
I'm sorry, if you very consciously made this prose, then I'm wrong.
What a great poem! Such a sensitive, original, romantic expression of love. Or better: of what love can do with a lover.
I wanted to give it five stars, but sadly the fourth line is hampering the rythm of the poem.
I also skimmed a bit through your other items and they are also beautifully expressed!
Harshal, I do wish that you should stay a poet, even when your love might have died down since long!
Reviewing your monologue "What's in a name?", but I'm no pro and not experienced. Just my feelings...
My impression:
This is a very touching and empatically written item and nice to read.
Words and style:
You've kept this piece understandable, no swollen wording and very effectively written. With a light, almost humoristic tone. In this way you made an emotional and difficult subject very palatable. It reads smoothly, very enjoyable.
Contents:
This subject is close to my heart, as my both grandmothers suffered from Alzheimer, more or less. It's a subject many people will be confronted with in their life, but a lot will choose to ignore it. With your personal experience presented in such a soft, approachable way, you just may lessen a bit of the taboo. Of course, it is in the first place your personal story, just a small but emotional fragment of the life of your family. You gave it exactly the right size, not too long, not too short, well composed. Well rounded off.
Pluspoints:
The love for your mother, shining through the monologue. The acceptance of a sad fact. The size, the light tone. Many plusses.
Remarks:
You made a typo: 'here" in stead of "her" (others will have also mentioned this )
Perhaps you have a tendency to make long, segmented sentences. Just don't let it get out of your control.
Conclusive:
A little gem on a painful subject. If you could write more of such pieces on this subject...
I find this a beautiful, meaningful and honest poem. I loved reading it.
You have a good rythm and unerstandable, light wording. That makes it easy and entertaining to read, but does not take away from the more serious meaning behind it.
I have two (small) remarks to make:
-in the introduction you mention, that it is about a girl being very different from the inside than the outside. But that difference and the inside are very briefly mentioned, perhaps a stanza more on that would make it more complete
-"The girl in the mirror now I must be" might read a bit more fluent when written as "The girl in the mirror I now must be"
I am really looking forward to reading more of such poetry!
Maria
** Animated Images For Use By Premium+ Only ** ** Image ID #1188667 Unavailable **
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/maria-n/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/3
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 9:16am on May 10, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
I think this is a poem of beautiful floating atmosphere, captured in original symbolism. I feel that you really succeeded to express your mood. Thus creating a personal poem of profound quality. I love it!
some lines which caught my eye: "Pulsating between the real and surreal." Ah, beautiful and conveying a feeling that can hardly be captured and yet you managed to do that, pulsating a perfect word for it.
The word "piroquette" I could not find in the dictionary. Is this a new word, using your artistic freedom 
