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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/mastiff
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217 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Desert Adventure  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: It sets the stage fairly well. We know what environment we're going to visit and a basic idea of where the story will take us. I would suggest you add a picture. For some reason, readers really like them. It's akin to the cover art of a book in my opinion.

Initial Reaction: I hadn't yet read the prompt, so it seemed like it was odd to go from making bread to heading to Egypt. In fact, if you could have tied it in somehow later in the story, it would really help the whole story. Perhaps the modern bread had an ingredient that was the only way to trap the beetles. Just a thought.

Setting: It's not bad once you get to Egypt. A few more senses could be added, taste and touch for sure, perhaps a few more smells. Why was the stench so appalling? Also, the kitchen is just generic, but few that are used for baking are that way. You had some wiggle room in the word count, so consider painting a little picture of it. Many people haven't had the fortune to be in what I assume is a house in the UK. *Smile*

Character Development: I would have liked to have a good description of the narrator and main character of the story. There really isn't much there. The Fat One, or mummy, could have had a little more as well. On the plus side, working the rat into the story as the little sidekick was great! We get a good picture of him, too.

Plot: I think you did quite well with it once I read the prompts! I'm not sure I'd have even taken it on, frankly. Once we were past the baking scene, it really came together. The one plot hole I saw was someone reading hieroglyphics without any indication they had some kind of background to be able to do so. Perhaps the rat could do it instinctually?

Ending: It was okay, but it didn't make me scream. You could probably beef it up easily to make it a little scarier.

Line-by-line and Suggestions: I didn't see any issues, but the short verses in the tomb probably don't need quotes and may read better without them. Also, consider using italics instead of quotes for the other lines written on the walls.

Adherence to Contest Rules: That was a crazy prompt! It's unusual to have so many different items to cover in a short piece, and you did well with them. With the word count being under the 1500 limit, you should be just fine.

Overall Opinion: I enjoyed it, and you really did make the prompt into a fun story. Best of luck in the contest!


Write On!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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2
2
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!


Why I chose it: Well, clearly I posted after you in I Write 2020. Not going to say I'd normally review poems, but this looks kind of fun.

How it made me feel: It certainly made me rethink some of my own decision.

Points I thought you made: I think this was a very internal poem, and it's nice you shared it. It absolutely said everyone should check themselves. I'm not sure about everything you put forth here, but I caught some of it. It sounds like bad things happened.

Anything Technical: I use more punctuation when I do poems, but it's so fluid, it's on the author. I would, but you didn't!

Adherence to Contest Rules: There are quite a few!

Contest begins at 12:00 AM WDC time on the 15th of each month and ends at 11:59 PM on the 14th of the next month. ~ Done!
Any subject and theme is acceptable. This is not a theme or prompt based contest. ~ Also looks fine to me.
Must not exceed a rating of 18+. ~ No problem
Must be 40 lines or fewer. Please give a line count at the bottom of your submission. ~ Need to fix this. You have it at the top.

Can be old or new items, but must be in your portfolio.
Items with awardicons are accepted.
One entry per poet, per round.
Poems may not be resubmitted in future rounds once they have been judged.
Must be submitted in Bitem or Entry format. { bitem:xxxxxx} or { entry:xxxxxx} If you need help with bitem linking, please see "Newbie Hyperlinking 101 - Bitem Format"
Editing is allowed, but judging is done throughout the month so edits may be missed by the judges.

I think those are all good.

Overall Opinion: It sounds painful. I hope you got a little relief writing this, because we all do share.

Thanks again!

Mastiff *Dog2*


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3
3
Review of I Write In 2020  
for entry "Eclectic
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!


Why I chose it: Aside from I Write 2020, I get to review the contest winner! Muhahaha!

How it made me feel: It made me want to get back to doing things I love without all the burdens I have right now.

Points I thought you made: Well, it's all very clear to me how you used the prompt, but the last line threw me just a tad. Can't what you described be chaotic and sublime? But you used "yet" instead, and it made me wonder a bit.

Anything Technical: I didn't see anything at all. Well, you spelled color wrong... *Wink*

Adherence to Contest Rules: Hard to argue with success! Clearly you did it right or you wouldn't have taken the big prize!

Overall Opinion: Very nice. I enjoyed reading it, and it was well deserving of the win. Congrats!

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*


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4
4
Review of MY LIFE  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!


Why I chose it: Clearly I followed you in I Write 2020. But, it's always fun to read and review items in contests I've also entered.

How it made me feel: I could relate. Not just to ideas in my writing, but even my work. When people ask if I think outside the box, I say, "What box?"

Points I thought you made: It's down and dirty at 24, but with 20 syllables, hard to get points across. But you did! I doubt that's all that defines your life, but it's one heck of a start. Going through life with wide-ranging ideas can be both a blessing and a bit of a curse, though. I do believe you find more of the blessing part...

Anything Technical:

Stanza- 1 Line - 1 You might want to check the syllable count in "ideas." I count it as three, which makes the line 7, not 6.

Adherence to Contest Rules: I would recheck the first line. Hate to see a DQ for missing a syllable. You could simply remove the "my" and get the same point across. Not only is it in your title, but the third line clarifies what you're saying anyway. *Smile*

Overall Opinion: It's very nice! I'd have given it a 4.5 if it weren't for (What I think) is a minor miss in the first line.

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*


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5
5
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

It's Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: Very nice. It really makes you wonder, and a good opening draw helps bring in readers. I would capitalize each word, however.

Initial Reaction: I love a good beach story, so I was ready to read. Of course, it also had very good description, so that caught me as well. I generally read a couple of paragraphs in to decide if I'm going to read (and review), and even though this was for I Write 2020, I may very well have done it anyway.

Setting: As I mentioned, this was very well done from the start. You continue it through the story, and it makes it come alive.

Character Development: You also do very well describing both of the people in your story. Easy to see and easy to read. Good combination with the wonderful setting. But... she was naked! What a missed opportunity! *Wink*

Plot: It was quite interesting and packed quite a bit into a short piece. It left me wondering why the woman had come there to start over, and I'm okay with that.

Ending: Well, we know why she was a hero in this instance, and the conclusion was nice. A little left to the imagination, like why she was living twice, worked well.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 6 Ln. 5 - I think if you broke up this sentence it might flow better.
Para. 7 Ln. 1 - Boiling is an odd word here. It may just be a US vs, UK thing, but "roiling" would work better, perhaps.
Para. 10 Ln. 1 - You switched from her thoughts to his thoughts. You might consider recreating it to see it from her perspective only.

Overall - Not bad at all! I think you need to watch your paragraph spacing, though.

Adherence to Contest Rules: It's under the 1000 word limit, but I couldn't find the prompt for the day. I can only surmise it was in there. *Smile*

Overall Opinion: It's a very nice story. I was glad I found it, and enjoyed reading it. I believe I been to my own "private" beach many times when I have to get away from it all. So, it resonated with me.


Writing On!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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6
6
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!


Why I chose it: Clearly I Write 2020 made me! *Smile* I normally don't review much poetry.

How it made me feel: Wow, that really was dark. I always liked carnivals when I was a kid, but who knew?

Points I thought you made: Stay away from the clowns! Well, the entire band of traveling miscreant.

Adherence to Contest Rules: I think you nailed the "dark" part for sure. Might want to check the name of the contest in the title, though.

Overall Opinion: I love the carnival / carnal wordplay. The entire poem is full of darkness and I really enjoyed it. It has very powerful images throughout.

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*


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7
7
Review of Honing the Craft  
for entry "Week 9 Fulfilled
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!


Why I chose it: Well, it's an I Write 2020 thing... but I enjoy your poetry having read a bit of it.

How it made me feel: Damn. This is the kind of thing I need to read right now. My life is in shambles, but I'm not alone at least. It was inspirational to read.

Points I thought you made: No matter what, find the happiness that keeps you living. I've been struggling with that, frankly.

Anything Technical:

Stanza- 1 Line - 1 or 2: I would either use a comma at the end of line one or capitalize line two.

Adherence to Contest Rules: It looks to me like you've done just fine. I like the quote.

Overall Opinion: I wish I could feel this way right now, but life is once again giving me the business. It is nice to read your poetry, and I've enjoyed it several times.

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*


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8
8
for entry "Caffeine Euphoria
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!


Why I chose it: Well, I posted after you in I Write 2020, so it's required. But, I was so happy to see this contest come back, I may review more of them!

How it made me feel: I smiled. My wife is a serious coffee addict, but I can't really relate. If it's available, I'll drink it. But I have 5 bags and a can of coffee in my pantry, and hardly ever drink it. I even have my favorite, chickory coffee from New Orleans! Maybe I'm just spoiled.

Points I thought you made: I think it was pretty clear this is about a love affair with coffee! *Smile*

Anything Technical: I don't think I saw anything out of order.

Adherence to Contest Rules: The prompt is fine, but you may have miscounted the syllables. I'm betting "skipped" was counted as two, and when I looked it up, it's one.

Overall Opinion: It was funny and cute. I enjoyed reading and reviewing it. Best of luck in the contest!

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*


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9
9
Review of My Conniption Fit  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

It's Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: First off, I think the word "conniption" is highly underused in any lexicon! The title made me want to know what was so upsetting, so I liked it quite a bit!

Initial Reaction: Generally, I stop after a paragraph or two and decide if I'm going to read everything and give it a review. In this case, it's part of I Write 2020, so I knew I would. After reading it, I was glad I did!

Setting: Not bad. Most of us can visualize a police station, but many a little more description couldn't hurt if you have the word count for it.

Character Development: You use the name "Jimmie" quite a bit throughout the pice, and it might be nice to replace it a time or two with a description or even how they know one another. It never really becomes clear how they're related. You could probably add a little more description, but the thrust of the story is her anger, and that comes across just fine! *Smile*

Plot: It's simple and to the point. I almost believe that some version of this may have actually happened, and that's the mark of a good story to me. It's very believable.

Ending: I know I've stared down the barrel of that gun before! It's a very uncomfortable feeling, even if you know you deserve it.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 2 Ln. 7 - I prefer to use a.m. instead of AM. Personal choice, probably, but I do know the former is an acceptable spelling.

Overall - That's really all I saw, and I try and be very careful when I read. I know it helps me a great deal, especially when I'm entering a contest!

Adherence to Contest Rules: Looks like everything is fine. The word count is on, and you didn't use any on the taboo list...

Overall Opinion: While I enjoyed it, I did feel a bit sorry for Jimmie. Since she says he needs to sober up, it's hard to believe he didn't do it, though. I was there once as a much younger man, and you just take it on the chin. He knew better, I knew better, and people had a right to be angry. I doesn't mean you don't feel awful about it later.


Write On!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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10
10
Review of Appy Days  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece because I posted after you in I Write 2020. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: I love it. It's a neat little play on words without giving up the whole story. It looks like a good bet to draw in readers.

Initial Reaction: It's hard to have one with such a short piece, but I think very quickly I knew things weren't going to go well. But, since I didn't know what was going to go badly, it's still a good beginning.

Setting: It's very short, and we never really read about anything in detail. You had a few more words to play with on the 300-word count, so perhaps this is one place you could spend them.

Character Development: It's a shame we didn't get to see Tania a little better as well. You kind of assume she's younger and good looking, but it never says that. There would be more impact in the story if we knew for sure. Sometimes people of both sexes have very unreasonable expectations when it comes to dating, so who knows? He might have been in her league. *Smile*

Plot: It's cute and quick. That's a good combination for flash fiction. It could have been a bit more powerful, as I've noted, but it works!

Ending: I'm not sure you had to include the title on the last line. It really lightens the mood, and I'm not certain that was what you wanted to do. If it was, it worked, but I think your main character was at least a little bit upset. She didn't even meet him to politely turn him down. I understand why she bailed, of course, just not sure that would put her in a light mood.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 7 Ln. 1 - Consider a comma after "need it."
Para. 9 Ln. 3 - Long sentence. It also ends in a question. Perhaps rework it that way. "What was he thinking with those tight jeans?!"

Overall - Not bad at all technically. Nothing was incorrect, those were just my suggestions.

Adherence to Contest Rules: No problem here that I see. I'm not sure of the prompt, but the word count is under the 300 allotted.

Overall Opinion: I did enjoy it. It was kind of fast, down and dirty! Sorry this review took so long, I've been in bed sick. At least it's not the virus!


Writing On!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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11
11
Review of Time For Regrets  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, I am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!


Why I chose it: I had the good fortune of posting after you in I Write 2020. I don't review much poetry, but I enjoyed reading this one.

How it made me feel: Probably about the same as you felt writing it. It's about something that we are all facing, together and apart. I hadn't heard "Boomer remover" before, but it sounds about right. Even so, it's still killing anyone without regard to much, except people with certain conditions.

Points I thought you made: This is a scary time for everyone, and you've really caught the essence of it. It does seem like several of the lines you have penned are very personal, too. It's affecting all of us, but not everyone is taking it the same.

Anything Technical: I think capitalizing the first line in the last stanza would be appropriate, even though it almost looks as if you meant to make a statement by not doing it. I'm just not sure exactly what it is...

Adherence to Contest Rules: The line count is fine and properly noted. This piece seems to be free form and allowed by the contest. It does read a bit like prose, though. I know I got nicked for that once in a contest.

Overall Opinion: You move through a timeline in the poem, and I like the way you went about it. It seems many people, myself included, have been writing about this pandemic. I believe what you've created here is a very good representation of all the work that we've done.

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*


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12
12
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

It's Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: It works. You don't give too much away, but still guve the gist of the piece. It may not work as a big draw, but not all titles do that.

Initial Reaction: It seemed non-fiction right from the start! But it was interesting, so I would have kept reading in any case.

Setting: There wasn't too much to really say about the setting, here. It just wasn't that kind of a story. But one can certainly read the frustration you were feeling.

Character Development: Well, it's all about one person for the most part. Anyone else mentioned is just kind of an offstage character or part of the big machine. You probably could have added a little depth here, I know I would have liked to read it.

Plot: Simple and to the point. I certainly can relate to how finding a job can be very frustration!

Ending: It seems like you are still upbeat, and hopeful for that lucky day. I'm hopeful for you as well.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Overall - I didn't find a thing!

Adherence to Contest Rules: I didn't see any dialogue, and you were well under the 700 words limit, so it seems good to me.

Overall Opinion: It was an interesting glimpse into you life (Or whomever you were describing), and it read well. I'm certainly pulling for you!


Write On!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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13
13
Review of First meeting.  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

It's Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: It doesn't give too much away, but it may not give quite enough description. You might consider adding in a descriptive word that hints at the type of meeting.

Initial Reaction: I was hooked fairly quickly, so it was well written from the start. You knew almost immediately what the whole thing was about, even though we weren't sure what we'd find when we got there. The subtitle made me curious, too. Aside from WDC, they are rarely used. I find that a shame.

Setting: The cafe is well set up. You could have added a few visuals, but it was easy enough to picture that kind of establishment without getting down to the color of the tablecloths.

Character Development: Also quite well done. You get a sense of both of them from each other's eyes. You could add a few more visual details, but I didn't particularly need them. Very nice touch with the sense of smell, too.

Plot: I liked it. I think anyone reading it will know she doesn't like the man! Perhaps the only thing missing is that he never references the phone call she gets to steal away from him. Perhaps it was unimportant to him, as he doesn't see it as the set up "getaway." Or, maybe you didn't want to give it away!

Ending: It really gives it some punch. Especially since he's obviously oblivious to it. You could mention it subtly in his rendition of the meeting without giving it away, but it would be a challenge.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 2 Ln. 3 - I'll bet you meant to add a line to create a new paragraph here. Same on paragraphs four and eight.
Para. 6 Ln. 1 - Consider a period after minutes and a new sentence. It's long as written, and that would be a natural break.
Para. 7 Ln. 2 - The point is good, but it's a bit clunky. Instead of "I suppose that to lose" consider just "that losing."


Overall - Well written! I found very little, and I'm a hard marker.

Adherence to Contest Rules: I'm not sure if this is a contest entry, but it would fit in the No Dialogue contest. That's saying something for a story about the first meeting between two people!

Overall Opinion: An interesting way to tell a tale. I had a sense of what was coming, but it was still fun to read. It wasn't perhaps a laugh out loud pice, but definitely a smile or a grin. It was the way I prefer my martinis... dry! *Smile*


Writing On!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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14
14
for entry "In the Cold
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet and am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!


Why I chose it: Obviously I posted after you in I Write 2020. But it was an interesting piece. I know you are a poet, so it's a tad intimidating to review your work!

How it made me feel: Cold. But there was something else there. I took the last two lines kind of personally. I'm moving 2000 miles away to take a job after being unemployed since early November, so it's been a long cold spell. Perhaps this is my thaw.

Points I thought you made: I think you mixed the icy winter with the promise of spring quite well, and that might have been what you were attempting to accomplish. If it was, you did it well.

Anything Technical: I usually have to really read up on the type of poetry here to make any critique, but this is free verse. It would be hard to find much wrong with such freedom.

Adherence to Contest Rules: I went to look at the picture, and to me, you really nailed it.

Overall Opinion: It was a very nice read for all the reasons I've mentioned. I enjoy reading poetry now and again, I'm just not very good at writing it! *Smile*

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*


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15
15
Review of SPRING LOVE  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, I am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!


Why I chose it: Clearly I posted after you in I Write 2020. I'm not a real poetry review person, but I like to think I'm getting better at it!

How it made me feel: It sounded like spring was just around the corner, and that's always a good feeling for me. I'll bet many people see lots of love in this poem as well, but it didn't really speak to me quite like that, even though I could see it. In all, it was a good feeling.

Points I thought you made: You have one line that, at first, doesn't seem to quite fit. It's the "symbol of peace." At first, I wondered about it, but then it made sense to me. Peace and love is a great combination, even though you just touched on it, it's represented. I liked that.

Anything Technical: At first I wondered about repeating "locked in love" and "gentle coos." But after reading it a couple of times, it really grew on me. Of course, in free verse, it would be fairly difficult to find technical issues! *Smile*

Adherence to Contest Rules: I assume the last picture was of doves because they don't keep the old ones. Unless that isn't the case, everything looks fine to me.

Overall Opinion: I enjoyed it quite a bit, and liked how you formatted with the five by three. I really don't read much poetry, but I do know what I like!

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*


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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
16
16
Review of The Love Drug  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: The title is very enticing. It's one of those that you aren't sure where you're headed, but you want to go. I would, though, be more careful with the subtitle. It gives away too much, especially in a short piece. I would probably make it more cryptic.

Initial Reaction: It was enough to make me want to keep reading, and that's what you want to accomplish. This is part of I Write 2020, so I would have in any case, but I may have reviewed it anyway as well.

Setting: It's hard to add a setting in a dialogue only story. It's not impossible, it just has to be told by the people speaking. You give a few glimpses, like a crowd and a float, but we're left wondering if they are at some kind of circus or parade. I think you could push this aspect a little harder and give readers a better picture of the surroundings.

Character Development: It's a little easier here, but still needs more description. It's short, so there isn't a lot of room to add much, but some small additions could make it pop.

Plot: It's unusual. There are some spots that you could smooth out to make it flow easier. In fact, a few more line breaks, particularly where Phil disappears, might help. It was almost like shifting gears without a clutch.

Ending: An interesting, but odd, turn of events. I certainly didn't expect the girl to be in a coma.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 1 Ln. 6 - I'd have probably used a question mark instead of ellipsis.
Para. 1 Ln. 8 - I think you want "what" instead of "where."
Para. 1 Ln. 9 - I use ellipsis quite a bit in dialogue as well, but it's not needed here.
Para. 1 Ln. 10 - Comma after "months."
Para. 1 Ln. 12 - Consider moving the "so" to the spot just before "addicted."
Para. 1 Ln. 20 - I have no idea what the "Whoof" is all about. If it's Phil disappearing, you need something more suitable.
Para. 1 Ln. 21 - Try something like, "Phil?! Where did you go? And... who the heck are you?!"
Para. 1 Ln. 27 - Using all caps is a bad way to emphasize. Use italics instead. Italicize "everybody" as well for even more emphasis.
Para. 2 Ln. 2 - Have the doctor use a name so we know who is in the room with him.

Overall - You have a little work to do, but it's not too bad.

Adherence to Contest Rules: I'm thinking this might have been an entry into The Dialogue 500. If it was, you seem to have accomplished the goal. However, when you use dialogue, you really need to put all of it in quotes. If it didn't have to be all talk, you probably missed several opportunities to beef up the story. Also, always read the lines to yourself. A few sound a little stilted, and not how people in a conversation would actually talk.

Overall Opinion: I'd enjoy seeing it a little longer to add in some setting work and more character development, and also using more than dialogue, which would help with that as well. It has potential if you ever want to expand it. *Smile*


Write On!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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17
17
Review of Dear me  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I'm Mastiff, and I'm going to review your work! I'm just an amateur, so take it all with a grain of salt, as it's just my opinions. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I appreciate being able to read it.


*Vignette5*First impression:
I realized pretty quickly you were having a rough go of it. So I was very interested in what you were going to do about it.

*Vignette5*Things That Might Make It Better:
I think you need to edit your paragraphs. Adding spaces after your opener and between a few paragraphs would make it much easier to read.

*Vignette5*Mechanics:

Para. 5 Ln. 1 - Need a comma after "commitmemnt."
Para. 6 Ln. 1 - Either make two sentences by using a period instead of a comma. Or, add a conjunction.
Para. 7 Ln. 1 - Need a comma after "weeks."
Para. 8 Ln. 1 - Need a comma after "past." Might add a conjunction after your comma as well.

Overall - Not bad. Just some minor edits.

*Vignette5*Things I Like:
I very much enjoyed the goals you've set for both your life and your writing. I think you'll find that I Write is kind of daunting, but is incredibly fulfilling. I know it was for me last year! I'm determined to do it again.

*Vignette5*Adherence to Contest Rules:
It all looks fine to me... Of course, you forgot to sign it! *Smile*

*Vignette5* Overall Opinion
It's a good job. For some reason, I've found it to be both a pleasurable and deceivingly difficult item to write. It takes some serious, no joke, introspection for it to really help you. That takes guts, and I think you dug deep and put it out there. May you achieve everything you set out to accomplish!

Cerberus Mastiff! *Dog2*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
18
18
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet and am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!



Why I chose it: I posted after you on I Write 2020! It looks very interesting, though, both of them. So if I'd have seen it elsewhere, I may have reviewed it anyway. Of course, reviewing your work is a little bit intimidating, knowing you excel at poetry and I don't.

How it made me feel: Which one? *Smile* They have some elements that are the same, yet they are very different. The first is tentative and troubled, while the second is bold and fearless. They certainly work well as bookends!

Points I thought you made: First, that no one can just write at the drop of the hat, and sometimes, inspiration eludes us. (I did look up "bark beetle.") And secondly, when it does hit, it can be pretty awesome!

Anything Technical:

Line - 1 (First poem) I don't think you need to capitalize on "inspiration."

Adherence to Contest Rules: It looked good to me. Since you created it, I assume you know better than I do if you met the standard.

Overall Opinion: I enjoyed reading it and learning yet another form of poetry. On a personal note, when I was quite young, we used to visit Waldon Pond often. I had no idea how significant it was, but the quiet amazed me even then... Some day I'd love to visit as an adult.

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*


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19
19
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

My name is Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: I had to laugh. As soon as you say something like that, it's sure to be worse. So, I'd say it fits the story to perfection. It's would be a decent reader draw, but even though I do it as well, sometimes using the subtitle will draw even more people. Consider a dropnote or popnote to add the contest rules.

Initial Reaction: I generally read a bit, then decide if I'm going to review. This is part of I Write 2020, so it's not an option. But you had me at man cave, and then add in the craft room? Oh my, did those hit home! I enjoy flash fiction, so I most likely would have done it anyway, but still...

Setting: I know it's very hard to set a piece with a short word count, but do think about the five senses. I say this as much to remind myself as anything, but it really helps create the space if you can manage it.

Character Development: Are they young or older? What do they look like? Yes, it's only 300 words, but try and fit in some descriptors of the people in your story. A little goes a long way in that regard!

Plot: It's a new take on an old theme, really. Listen to The Bickersons someday, and you'll realize couples arguing over stuff isn't really new. However, the "man cave" and the new version of the craft room, the "she shed" are certainly of late.

Ending: Whups! A little too late! As I said, as soon as you say what you did in the title... your character tempted fate! And you know how she can be!

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 2 Ln. 2 - The hyphen is okay, but in a conversation, a period would work just as well.
Para. 7 Ln. 1 - Consider dropping the second "at work." Ending after "week" might make for a better flow.

Overall - Not bad! Very good technically!

Adherence to Contest Rules: Everything looks fine, almost... but even though it's not required, a word count is nice. Not only for the contest but to anyone reviewing the work. I did my own and it was 301. I just like to know because it factors in how much room you might have to add to the story.

Overall Opinion: It was a fun read, especially since it hit so close to home. Of course, I'm not sure the door to the craft room can still open it's so packed with stuff!


Write On!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
20
20
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!


Why I chose it: It's part of I Write! Normally, I probably wouldn't review poetry from someone so well versed in poetry! Pun intended. *Smile*

How it made me feel: I know this is meant to be a happy piece, but it made me sad in a couple of ways. My kids are grown, and we might have a nice meal, we don't really do much for the season anymore. Also, with money tight, I can't even buy everyone nice gifts. So, the second stanza really hit home. Ah well, at least the religious angle reminded me of the Christmas mornings of my youth.

Points I thought you made: I thing you were saying it is often a time of joy, but not for everyone, and people should be reminded to be kind, because of that fact.

Anything Technical: I read through the notes, and I couldn't find a thing.

Adherence to Contest Rules: No problems here. After all, it "prompt free for all poetic styles."

Overall Opinion: It sent me through a range of emotions in three stanzas, so I'd have to say I enjoyed it.

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*

21
21
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!


Why I chose it: Clearly, I posted after you in I Write. Oddly, I just wrote one of these myself as part of Rising Stars. Sorry it's taken so long to get this review done, but it's been pretty wild around here.

How it made me feel: I almost wish I'd done this yesterday! It was a wonderful read, and it made me smile remembering how nice it was with family. I'm agnostic, so I'm not really a god person, but it's one of those times you give thanks to whatever higher power you choose.

Points I thought you made: Well, clearly this was about Thanksgiving. But I must say, that had to be one heck of a spread! A bounty indeed. Wish I'd been able to see it through more than words.

Anything Technical: Last line, just one "s" on his.

Adherence to Contest Rules: It looks good to me. Kind of hard to mess up this type of poem! *Smile*

Overall Opinion: I enjoyed it. I covered everything I love to eat!

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*


22
22
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I'm Mastiff, and I'm going to review your work! I'm just an amateur, so take it all with a grain of salt, as it's just my opinions. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I appreciate being able to read it.


*Vignette5*First impression:
At first I didn't quite get it, but then I read the contest rules and it made sense. I got the references, but I didn't know the reason for them. An interesting little piece!

*Vignette5*Things That Might Make It Better:
I think you might have used a bit more of your 300 word count to tie everything up. It's fine as it stands, but it would be nice to know who is saying what.

*Vignette5*Mechanics:

Para. 1 Ln. 2 - I'd put the second sentence on it's own line, and and a close parenthesis.
Para. 2 Ln. All - I think this is also someone speaking, so it needs quotes. I think this goes for all the next paragraphs.
Para. 5 Ln. 1 - I think you want a comma after "rescued" and "princess."

Overall - Not too bad, just needs a little bit of editing.

*Vignette5*Things I Like:
It was a good selection of fairy tales that really do have a common thread.

*Vignette5*Adherence to Contest Rules:
It looks like you covered all of the items well. Good work! *Smile*

*Vignette5* Overall Opinion
A very unusual contest, and you handled it well. Tying four fairy tales together in such a short piece isn't an easy task!

Cerberus Mastiff! *Dog2*




23
23
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello,

Hi, it's Mastiff and I'll be reviewing your piece. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble, and realize I make just as many mistakes as anyone else. Thank you for sharing your writing, and I hope this is helpful!

Title: It's straight and to the point. It would be especially intriguing if a potential reader didn't know the contest you were entering.

Initial Reaction: I generally read in a couple paragraphs, then decide to continue and review. In this case, I found the dialogue interesting enough to continue. Especially since I kind of knew this was personal.

Setting: It's well done, particularly since it's all done through the "eyes" and interaction of the items themselves. Of course, the inside of a camper isn't too difficult for the majority of us to imagine.

Character Development: Also well done. We not only get to know the clothespins, but they have very different attitudes on their lot in life. It's kind of odd, in that you're meaning to bring an inanimate object to life, but your writing shows how much you rely on them. I think this is the first time I've reviewed this contest, so it was fun to see them develop.

Plot: It was certainly a cute way to approach the contest. It wasn't so much of a plot, as it was an interesting interaction between two clothespins.

Ending: Ending with a "moral to the story" was an excellent choice. In fact, many of us could learn a thing or two from your clothespins. It added a nice punch to the piece.

Line-by-line and Suggestions:

Para. 2 Ln. 2 - Generally, it's after all, not one word.
Para. 5 Ln. 1 - Consider a comma after "help."
Para. 7 Ln. 1 - Typo... "Yeah" is what you want.
Para. 9 Ln. 1 - No need for extra exclamation points.
Para. 11 Ln. 2 - Rethink the colon. I bet an ellipsis would suit you better.

Overall - Two things. First, most normal dialogue uses contractions. Technically correct, yes, but if you say it out loud it sounds stilted. Second, it's almost never good to use all capitals for emphasis. Both times would be better suited to italics.

Adherence to Contest Rules: All looks fine!

Overall Opinion: I enjoyed reading it quite a bit, and I hope my review helped. Most don't go back and edit old contest entries, but I try and be helpful for future writing as well.


Writing On!

Mastiff *Dog2*

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24
24
Review of Pretty Ugly Words  
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello there,

It's Mastiff, and I'll be taking a look at your work today. I'm not a good poet, am still learning about poetry. So take everything I say with a grain of salt, or a winter bag of it, knowing these are just my thoughts. I won't do much as far as technical corrections, unless I see something that really sticks out, because the rules are just so different. Thanks for sharing your writing!


Why I chose it: Clearly I posted next in I Write 2019, but I like to think I'm getting a little better at poetry reviewing, and even if I wanted to cherry pick, many of ours writers are poetry people.

How it made me feel: I laughed! That's a rare thing these days, so congratulations. Even if you hadn't used Halloween, it would have been clear through the candy corn and color use.

Points I thought you made: A joke. I hadn't heard of the Little Willie form of poetry, I am always amazed how many are out there. Also, don't eat too much candy or go to an old hag's door!

Anything Technical: If anything, you might want to work on the four stresses per line. It seemed to me you may have had more than four on at least one line.

Adherence to Contest Rules: Aside from the accentual (#2), it looked fine. And that's just my opinion, really. I'm certainly not the expert here...

Overall Opinion: It was a quick easy read that was lighthearted, even with a busted spleen! *Smile*

Thanks again, and happy writing!

Mastiff *Dog2*


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25
25
Review of I Write in 2019  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Because this contest has been awesome!
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