I don't know how anyone could possibly read this and not laugh out loud at the very end. And the surprise was well disguised. As the story progressed, I was imagining a number of ways it might end, but I certainly didn't see this one coming. Completely enjoyable!
One suggestion: I found the sentence fragment in the third paragraph ("Their heels click-clacking....") a little awkward. It may have been intentional - sentence fragments are fine, when used judiciously, as we all know, and do -- but I had a feeling this one was not intentional.
Holy Psycho! This story compelled me to speed along like a spider along a web, racing toward the ending, to see what was going to happen. The awful unresolved dilemma the plot represents -- how is this child going to survive long-term, given his clearly diminished capabilities? -- is somehow overcome by the slam-bang ending, and that's saying something.
I'd suggest a few extra minutes of proof-reading. I suspect the sentence fragment at the beginning of the second paragraph was unintentional.
I'm not sure what it suggests about me that this yucky story was fun to read, and I suspect that a reader wondering about that was just what the author intended.
Nicely done. We don't need to know what happens after the last sentence, because the story is already complete at that point. The plot contains a beginning and a middle and, for me, the fact that the ending is only implied is not a problem because the most important element here (for me, anyway), the character's transformation during the story, is already complete, and conveyed with admirable conciseness.
This story moves right along, as the author clearly intended, and the movement is smooth, the plot unfolding inexorably, and menacingly, without a break or an unnecessary side trip. The riveting details of the earring and the tapping pen draw us right in, placing us in the room, so that the light flickering on and off is immediately unsettling.
One suggestion: Since the POV is that of the intruder, think about what he (or she) would be aware of before opening the window. Is the intruder close enough, outside the window, to know that the book on the desk is a chemistry text? Would the intruder hear the pen tapping if the window were closed? If you want the intruder to be aware of that sound from outside, you might have the window opened at least a little, maybe for fresh air, from the start. That would also explain how the intruder is able to get in.
I like this story a lot. The use of present tense sets up an inherent tussle in time within the story, since the portrait, of course, takes place before the present time in the narration, even if the photograph may not have pre-dated the story's current action by too much.
The second paragraph never explicitly states that the relationship between the parents is strained, and yet it clearly is, given the father's lack of a smile, and his compressed lips. Given those clues, his hand on his wife's shoulder, with the gleaming diamond in his wedding ring, is absolutely sinister. Nicely done!
For me as a reader, the narrator doctoring the photo to express her inner turmoil in an understated way actually serves to heighten the tension in the story, and very effectively.
I'm still thinking about the fact that the narrator wants to use a red marker on a photograph of her grandmother. Uh oh.
There's a skilled writer at work here. Thanks for a compelling story!
I love the way your story flows, the terrific initial details that establish the setting and push the plot into rapid and intriguing motion. Such images as Catherine consciously steadying her hands concisely convey her state of mind and immediately ratchet up the suspense, as do such images as Cleopatra's snake, the hidden lion, and especially the noun "venom." Clearly, a skilled writer at work here.
I'm not able to work out exactly what's going on at the end, however. I'm not sure what the forgery is, since Catherine wrote the letter herself. As a result, I'm not sure what the ruse is. Given the forebidding and effective foreshadowing with language earlier in the story, clearly Catherine is up to no good. My mind immediately jumps to murder, and I'm guessing that's what you intend. My best guess is that the wine is poisoned, although a crime of that nature would be easy to trace and the path to the murderer would be clear, especially with a letter from Catherine accompanying the wine. Is she sending the wine and letter anonymously? If so, there'd be no point in an apology, even a deceptive one, if the recipient didn't know who's apologizing.
Sorry I'm not getting this -- a sharper reader than me might do better. But I just loved your use of language to convey setting, character, and plot so efficiently!
As a reader, I certainly had a good time with this story.
The adjective "shocked" in the first sentence puts us immediately in the shoes of the narrator, whose initial spoken words, coupled with the quick revealing of the identity of the person to whom the narrator is speaking, quickly conveys all the essential information about what's going on. Nicely economical!
Following the conventions of dialogue, moving to a new line for each new speaker, enables the writer to clearly delineate who's saying what. You didn't do that here, and with only two characters, identifying who is speaking isn't necessarily a big problem for the reader, but I think moving to a separate line each time the speaker changes would give the reader a chance to think a little more about what each speaker is saying, would give the reader some breathing space to appreciate the way the dialogue moves the story along.
You may have intended your genie to be spelled "Jeanie," but it was a little distracting for me -- I kept thinking of Barbara Eden in in the old "I Dream of Jeanie" TV series.
Especially with the twist at the end, this is a fun read!
I enjoyed this story very much, just tore through it, and the story's structure, primarily dialogue and short, snappy sentences, made that possible. The structure helps to create a distinctive voice for the narrator.
Tough with the 300-word budget, but one suggestion would be more of the classic show-don't-tell technique. For example, in place of saying that the voice of the self-checker "irritated me," the narrator might say that he slammed the bag of frozen peas onto the counter. You did it well when you had Angela rolling her eyes instead of having the narrator say that she was barely tolerant of the narrator's need for a cart instead of a basket.
Inventive idea, and a fun story!
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