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76
76
Rated: E | (4.0)
You kept your rhythm pretty steady throughout *Smile* Your rhymes were all good. The story was very charming and I enjoyed it.

Some of the phrasings caught my eye...

I’d present you with roses without any thorns.

Maybe reword this so there's not so many uses of "with". I'd present you with roses that have no thorns. You'd still have the same amount of syllables and eliminate the "without"

There's also quite a few instances of "I'd" throughout the poem, but one particular stanza has quite a few starting off lines...

I’d offer you strawberries, to sample the sweet.
We’d walk through the sprinkler in the grass with our feet.
I’d push you on a swing with your legs in the air.
I’d let you sit down in my old rocking chair.


I might change this so maybe it reads something like this...

I'd offer you strawberries, to sample the sweet.
We'd walk through the sprinkler in the grass with our feet.
I'd push you on a swing with your legs in the air,
And let you sit down in my old rocking chair.


Something like that, though it would be even better to eliminate all of them (just couldn't think of a good way to word it at the moment without interrupting the rhythm).

Once again, this is a very charming story in the form of a poem!

Write on!
Melissa
77
77
Review of The Queen of Time  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* A very well thought story. You told it very well.

My only suggestions is to watch your rhythm between lines. Some are slightly off (if you read it aloud, you'll notice it also).

Otherwise, I very much enjoyed reading this! Write on!

I noticed you joined Writing.com just today as well! Welcome aboard! *Smile* If you haven't already, stop by "Noticing Newbies and introduce yourself!

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78
78
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Smile* We all question God at times in our lives when things get tough. I definitely related to this poem, which makes it especially effective.

The last stanza was a little bit confusing. You might want to italicize the last 3 lines just to symbolize the speaker changing from the narrator to God.

Good job!
Melissa
79
79
Review of And Many More  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Total final score: 96

This is a beautiful story full of many wonderful memories. I could imagine myself looking back on the many accomplishments I have made throughout my life (when I get to a point where I can count them on more than one hand LOL). The pride that you have in your children and grandchildren is priceless.
This was very wonderful, and I can see why it won the Writer's Cramp. Congratulations on that, and write on Vivian *Smile*


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