I found "March Winds" via the 6/30 Noticing Newbies newsletter. Congratulations on being an editor's pick!
This is an adorable little poem about an aunt using her nephew as a kite. It has a steady rhythm and a consistant rhyme scheme. It reads well both silently and aloud.
Suggestions:
Check for end quotation marks in the first stanza. I got confused in the second stanza, thinking that the person speaking in the first was still speaking.
In stanza 8, removing the second instance of the word "the" won't affect the rhythm and will strengthen that line a little bit by removing the repetition.
Thank you for sharing this.
Have a wonderful evening!
Write on!
-Mel
I found "The Benefits of Reviewing" via the 6/30 Noticing Newbies newsletter. Congratulations on being an editor's pick!
This is an opinion article, so with that in mind, I'm not reviewing this based on whether or not our opinions match. I think you expressed yourself very well and articulated your opinions clearly.
I like that you link to other peoples' how to review items. I also like the quotes that you included near the end of the article.
Suggestions:
- I would consider putting this in the Opinion genre first, being that this article is pretty much all your opinion of things.
- When talking about other users on Writing.com (even if you have linked an item of that person's earlier), you might want to use that person's user ID ({user:xxxxxx}) versus the handle that person goes by. That way, if the person changes his or her handle in the future, people will still know who you're referring to later on in the article.
One thing I did want to touch on, though, because I hate that anonymous has such a bad name around here... I enjoy getting anonymous reviews - both good and bad - because at least that person is taking the time to comment what he or she thinks about my work. It's up to me how I react to the bad reviews.
I know some people who will delete anonymous reviews without even looking at them because they're afraid of the criticism that could come by opening it. But they're also missing out on the praise that could be contained within!
Anyone can leave a sharp review without using a mask. And anyone can leave a praising review with a mask. Just my $0.02.
Thank you for sharing this!
Have a wonderful evening!
Write on!
-Mel
"It Takes A Thief" is a humerous story about a mistaken forklift identity.
I found the anecdote to be very humerous and I can't believe that the police drew guns on you! That must have been not-so-funny at the time. It's good that you can look back on it now and laugh, though.
The only suggestion I can offer is to fix some of the formatting flaws. I assume you copy/pasted this from Word? There are a few extra, unnecessary line breaks.
Thanks for sharing this and have a wonderful weekend!
Write on!
-Mel
"Knights' Fall" is a story about a group of friends rallying together (with some help) to defeat an enemy that is much more powerful than they are.
I think what's added to my bias of this piece is that I've heard you read a few aloud before at previous conventions, so I know how it should be voiced. This made it even better for me, because I could hear you reading it in my head. lol
I don't have any suggestions to offer... other than you need to close the quotation mark on the very last line.
Thanks for sharing this, and have a wonderful weekend!
Write on!
-Mel
"Sisters in Sorcery" is a campfire full of action. In fact, I found this campfire via the 6/30 Action/Adventure newsletter! Congratulations on being a feature.
I enjoyed reading this campfire. For the most part, the story was consistant from one campfire participant to another. One thing that was confusing to me, though, was that the character descriptions weren't one after another (or before the story actually began), and also weren't in a story format so didn't really add to the story. Another that was confusing was the switching of person between the different writers (some wrote in 3rd person, some in 1st person).
Thank you to your group for sharing this campfire. You are all very talented writers.
"Letters" is a story, written in the form of a letter from a wife to her military husband.
I enjoyed reading this story. I liked that it was written in the form of a letter. I'm not sure if I like that it's split into segments (part 1, part 2, part 3).
With a quick spell check and revision, this story could be very strong! There were a few misspelled words and a couple of phrases that were missing a word (I do that a lot, too. lol - My mind thinks faster than I can type sometimes).
Thanks for sharing this! Have a wonderful day.
Write on!
-Mel
"When You Think Of November" is a poem about loss and the subject's coping. It is very well written and utilizes a bit of repetition to its advantage. I know I will never think of November the same again after reading this!
It is mechanically sound and I can offer no suggestions for improvement.
Thanks for sharing this and have a great evening!
Write on!
-Mel
"Folding the Flag" is a poem that would be a great tool to teach kids (or even adults!) about how to fold an American flag.
I like the way this poem reads. It's simple and would be easy to memorize.
Suggestions:
I noticed that there was nothing listed for what the 6th fold stands for. Is this poem still in progress?
I also noticed that there is nothing about the 13th fold. Or did I miss that?
Thank you for sharing this!
Have a wonderful evening and write on!
-Mel
"This thing between us" is a poem that really wowed me with it's descriptions, imagery, and message! I really enjoyed reading this. I love the repetition of "thing between us" at the end of each stanza, and also the way that each line was organized.
My only question to you is, why isn't this rated? It won't be available for search without some kind of rating on it, and for others on Writing.com to miss this poem would be sad.
Thank you for sharing this!
Have a wonderful weekend and write on!
-Mel
I came across "Me, Me and More Me" via another review on the public review page. The title caught my eye, as well as the glowing review it received.
After reading this, I can understand why it received such a glowing review. I relate to this completely, and feel like you were writing this about me! A very awesome job, two of four.
I found this to be a very interesting article full of a lot of historical information based on the Clinton scandal. I like how you presented the information without interjecting your own personal beliefs until the end, when you drew your conclusion.
This article would be much easier to read if you cleaned it up a bit. When using a comma, it should immediately follow the preceeding word and then a space should go between it and the next word (like in this sentence). You did this in some places, but not in others and this inconsistancy is distracting to the reader.
Thank you for sharing this and have a wonderful day!
This poem was very sad and made me realize how many children lose their parents at a young age, and makes me thankful that I did not have to go through the same emotions that Johnny did.
I would suggest reading this poem aloud, because in some places I stumbled and had to reread to get the correct rhythm and catch the rhyme (although the 2nd time I did catch it - it could just be me! ). A couple of these places were stanza 2 (no rhythm problem just had to reread to see the rhyme), stanza 5 (I got the rhyme, but the rhythm was off in the final line), and stanza 6 (both the rhythm and the rhyme). I think the problem that I had was mostly because staza one is very simple in both rhyme scheme and rhythm, so it leads the reader to think that the rest of the poem will be the same.
Thank you for sharing this, and have a wonderful day!
I know how it is to be loved and not loved in return. I think that this poem describes that feeling very well.
I only have one suggestion for improvement. In stanza 5, lines 3 and 4, you start both lines with 'The', but line 4 could start with something else to give it more meaning and also remove that feeling of unneeded repetition for those two lines. Maybe replace the with 'An' in line 4?
I thought this poem was quaint and easy to read, for the most part. I liked the novel idea behind having the things we need emotionally being as readily available as the things we need physically.
The only problems I noticed were when you got into the ingredients and things in stanza 4. It interrupted the flow quite a bit, although it picked right back up in the following stanzas.
Thank you for sharing this little poem! It was my pleasure to stumble upon and read this!
I really liked some of your descriptions. They really added to the story and helped it to flow.
Artistically, this is very well put together. I really enjoyed your opening paragraph.
Technically, this is pretty sound. There were a couple of small spelling errors (wheals instead of wheels; cam instead of came), and some run-on sentences (She knew the road well, when they were young, she - She knew the road well. When they were young, she...).
A very touching piece You've written the sadness in with a sense of hope. Technically, it's very strong. My only suggestion is to try to revise some of the repetition. An example of this is the stanza:
The names may change
But the answers the same
I laugh on the outside
But the pains still the same
So I sit and wait
In a world of hate
With only myself to blame
You end 2 lines with "same" and I would also revise your usage of "the". If you read the poem aloud you might hear what I'm talking about.
Thank you for sharing this with us here at Writing.com I'm glad to have the chance to read it. I hope you're enjoying Writing.com, too!
Write on,
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You kept your rhythm pretty steady throughout Your rhymes were all good. The story was very charming and I enjoyed it.
Some of the phrasings caught my eye...
I’d present you with roses without any thorns.
Maybe reword this so there's not so many uses of "with". I'd present you with roses that have no thorns. You'd still have the same amount of syllables and eliminate the "without"
There's also quite a few instances of "I'd" throughout the poem, but one particular stanza has quite a few starting off lines...
I’d offer you strawberries, to sample the sweet.
We’d walk through the sprinkler in the grass with our feet.
I’d push you on a swing with your legs in the air.
I’d let you sit down in my old rocking chair.
I might change this so maybe it reads something like this...
I'd offer you strawberries, to sample the sweet.
We'd walk through the sprinkler in the grass with our feet.
I'd push you on a swing with your legs in the air,
And let you sit down in my old rocking chair.
Something like that, though it would be even better to eliminate all of them (just couldn't think of a good way to word it at the moment without interrupting the rhythm).
Once again, this is a very charming story in the form of a poem!
We all question God at times in our lives when things get tough. I definitely related to this poem, which makes it especially effective.
The last stanza was a little bit confusing. You might want to italicize the last 3 lines just to symbolize the speaker changing from the narrator to God.
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Total final score: 96
This is a beautiful story full of many wonderful memories. I could imagine myself looking back on the many accomplishments I have made throughout my life (when I get to a point where I can count them on more than one hand LOL). The pride that you have in your children and grandchildren is priceless.
This was very wonderful, and I can see why it won the Writer's Cramp. Congratulations on that, and write on Vivian
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