I'm going to be perfectly honest. This needs a lot of work. But don't despair! We all need polishing. We need hard work and determination to make ourselves the most we can be.
I'm sure you've heard this before but I'm going to say it again. Spell check. Proof read. That seems to be your biggest problem. Also, you should go through the whole item and capitalize all your I's.
First line: 'use' should be used. 'happieness' should be happiness. 'hardship' should be 'hardships'
Second line: 'ourselfs' should be ourselves.
Thirds line: 'termend' do you mean determined?
Eighth line: 'fusteration' should be frustration
Ninth line: 'sufficating' should be suffocating. 'shread' I think you mean shed my tears. 'your' should be you're.
You don't have lines and you don't have sentences. This makes the piece rather confusing when you have capital letters with no ending punctuation prior. For instance: " i care, In fear " you either need to change the comma to a period or change the uppercase "In" to lowercase "in". Also, try separating the piece into lines to make it easier to read.
If you want more help polishing this piece, not only am I here to help, but there are several others who would love to help you turn this into a beautiful piece. All you have to do is ask and people will flock to help you.
Welcome to WDC!!!
This is a very interesting piece. Full of angst and emotion. A couple of thoughts:
Since the title is at the top of the page, you don't need to start your piece with the title.
Second line, "Alone I am with" I think you need commas around "I am" since it sounds like an interjection (you don't need it). "Alone, I am, with"
I wouldn't start each line with a capital letter. It feels odd to have a capital in the middle of a sentence (even though it spans multiple lines). Take line 4: "To give me..." it's a continuation of line 3 "...bring my heart up," so you could have:
"I wish for your soul to bring my heart up,
to give me strength from your hands."
This goes for the rest of the piece as well, this is just an example. (see lines 6&7)
I'm a little confused in the second half of the piece. You say "you left me" but talk like this person is still here. "You left me" sounds like they are gone and, with them, all hope. But, you ask for "kisses in the dark." It's just a little confusing to ask a spiritual unit for something physical, such as a kiss.
My favorite line is the first one. "I sit here listening to your feet leave me in the rain." It gives a great sense of what to expect in the rest of the piece. The angst and heart-wrenching yearning for something you cannot have.
Write on!
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