This is a sad and powerful piece. You express yourself very well. What a horrible experience for a young girl to experience.
If you'll allow me a couple of comments...
In the seventh stanza,
Haunted by my past,
it's still hard to face.
I think this might read better if you have "I'm haunted" and "which is still." This is just a suggestion.
Also, I think the last stanza might hit home more if you omit the "And." It's best to not start sentences with the word "and."
This is a tragic story that is experienced far too often. I like that you end the piece with an uplifting note. There is a glimmer of hope at the end. You will be able to dream again. You're very brave for putting the story out there. Thank you for sharing.
This is a cute, lovely little poem. I love the reiteration in this piece. It ties it all together. The piece flows very well. It feels familiar somehow. I love the image you have presented. It feels personal and private. I can see the two people. It's a lovely image. Great job!
This is a great piece. I appreciate the little background information about the piece in the beginning. I like the list of genres infused in the piece.
I feel that some of the sections aren't as complete as others (they don't make as much sense). The second stanza for instance. The last two lines might read a little smoother if you connect them.
Daily Contests just might be the Death of me, but
Constant Self-help to will improve my Writing.
This is just a suggestion. I like how you have set the piece up. I enjoy tributes like this one. They are such a lot of fun. Great job!
This is a great short story! I think you could add "computer" to your genres list. That or "contest entry." I like that you have added the prompt and contest/challenge at the bottom with the word count.
One comment, generally, when people identify a person as "not so ..." they do so with hyphens. Not-so-whatever. I'm not sure if this is a rule or personal preference. When you say, her not so idiot husband, I feel that it is missing something. Personally, I would hyphenate the "not so" phrase. This is just my personal opinion.
This is a terrific little story. I enjoyed reading it. Great job!
This is a beautiful piece. The images add a lot to this poem. They flesh it out. The piece flows very well. The rhymes are all perfect. I love the reiteration of "GENUINE FRIENDSHIP." It really ties the piece together nicely. No suggestions for improvement. Great job!!
This is a beautiful and heartfelt piece. I can see the images and the emotions that you are portraying. I like the way you have set up the piece and set certain sections off.
One suggestion, you might consider adding commas to your lists. In stanza 3 for instance, "bills/ advertisements/ an early birthday card." This is just a suggestion.
This piece is so full of emotion. It's written very well. Great job!
This is so adorable! I enjoyed reading this short story. Your images are clear and precise. I loved the image of everyone snuggled on the sofa.
A couple of little things. In the third sentence, he crawled up next to the baby and I., "I" should be "me." Also, I missed the part where your husband sat down too. The way I read it, he just set your son down who went over and crawled up next to you.
I love the idea of the tulips "popping" like a balloon. It's fantastic. Great story!
Thank you for sharing this piece. I enjoyed your imagery. I could see the pictures you were presenting.
Your rhymes are good. However, the word you have chosen for the second line, it rhymes but is technically incorrect. The tense of the word "astound" should be past tense "astounded." That doesn't rhyme. I feel that "astound" doesn't quite make sense to me. Also, line four requires an apostrophe in "masters."
You have more commas than you need in this piece. Lines 3 and 5, for instance, do not require the commas you have given them. At the end of the sixth line, you have a period followed by a comma. Delete the comma. I feel that the comma in the 10th line is misguided. The next line appears to be the beginning of a new sentence. As such, that comma should be a period.
I'm intrigued by the last phrase in this piece. you heard it through this angels eyes. I'm wondering if "saw" wouldn't be clearer. Personally, I feel that it's almost confusing as is. Also, "angels" requires an apostrophe before the 's' as the eyes belong to the angel
Your rhymes and flow are good. It needs to be cleaned up and polished though. You have a nice vision and message. I'd be happy to take another look and re-review the piece after you edit it.
This is a great short story. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I especially enjoyed watching the birth of a song. It was very interesting and felt true and honest. I can see the images and emotions you have presented. I really felt the emotions in this piece. Great job!
This is a great way to organize a novel. I like the option of the folder with chapters versus book format. With individual chapters, you can rate and review each one individually versus an overall rating/review.
You have a nice introduction to your novel and all your chapters are in order. You give us enough information to get us interested. Your genres and rating are both appropriate. Great job!
This is a lovely story. I found the font a trifle big for me. This is just a personal opinion.
I enjoyed reading the story. There were just a couple of technical issues.
7th paragraph: Christmas's should be Christmases
9th paragraph: "cheaper that fuel" "that" should be "than"
Also, in that 9th paragraph, I got a trifle confused when you said, "But, wood was." It almost seems contradictory. You've already said that wood heat supplemented the heating of the house. Perhaps, you could move the statement about wood being cheaper into the sentence where you introduce the heating methods.
Towards the end, you say "we never did finish." Then you go on to describe how you went back out to attack the driveway. That one sentence seems to contradict the rest of your narrative.
I enjoyed your descriptions. I can't imagine all that snow! The last paragraph is my favorite. I can see the images you present and relate to them. Great job!
This is an interesting poll. However, Osama Bin Laden was behind the WTC attacks not Hussein as you have stated.
In your title and brief description, you have a couple of errors. In the title, "Whos" requires an apostrophe before the 's'. In the brief description, you mean Who is versus Whose. "Whose" implies ownership.
You might add a little more information into your question. Is there a reason you are conducting the poll? Also, you might add a bit more information on the three people. Why have you chosen these three? Many younger people might not know, precisely, who Stalin is. I remember concentrating on Hitler in school and, more or less, bypassing Stalin. Also, if you go into more detail, you might need to up the rating.
Your choices available are good and cover your bases. I'm not sure about the "I LIKE BANANAS!" option. It is funny though. Also, it does add a bit of levity to an otherwise serious poll. Good job.
This is a nice piece. It's dark and melancholy. The piece flows well and your descriptions are clear. I am wondering if, because of the dark nature of the piece and the theme of death, this should be rated ASR versus E.
You might take another look at your punctuation. For instance, in the first stanza you have
"The coldness of the grave,
Wrapped around me."
The comma is not necessary as the second line is a continuation of the first. Also, when you end a sentence with a prepositional phrase, you do not need a comma before the prepositional phrase. (e.g.,The world carried on, without me. You do not need the comma.)
I like the reiteration of the last two lines of each stanza. I also like how you changed it up for the last stanza.
That said, it doesn't quite sound right. I'm wondering if "was awaiting" would sound better than "awaited." Or, perhaps, instead of "when" you could use "then." Read through it again and try different wordings and see if anything sounds better.
All in all, this is a good piece. The emotions described are good. You have a strong foundation. It just needs to be polished a little. Good job!
This is a sad, lovely piece. The rhythm is good and the piece flows very well. You rhymes are good as well.
I have one suggestion for this piece. It could use some punctuation. It needs more than just the one comma. I would also recommend periods at the end of the sentences. Also, you don't need a hyphen in "no-one" just a space (no one).
The feelings are well described. I can see/feel what you are describing. Great job!
This is very intriguing. You've set up a lot in this prologue. I especially enjoyed reading the prophecies.
One thing I would suggest, where you have "End of Prologue: Lucifer's Glory from ~The Sword of the Goddesses Chosen~" you might put a link to the next chapter (instead of or in addition to).
Great start. You've caught my interest. Great job!
I don't know what it is either! It's rather interesting though.
I got a little confused in the middle. Your sentences are really long. It feels very fast paced. I think I was getting caught up in the dizziness that was overcoming all your characters.
I'm not sure about the significance of the "case study." I like how the piece ends more slowly than it began. You might make it two paragraphs. One frenzied with everyone being dizzy and in need of being rescued. The other would be the calm after the final rescue.
I have to ask something. What is a black-winged rainbow? I'm very intrigued by that prospect. The whole piece is rather intriguing. Good job.
This is a great piece. I love the idea behind it. It's a great look forward. Your rhymes and rhythm are very good to.
I'm wondering, though, if you don't mean bureaucrats versus bureaucratics. Also, I'm not sure why you chose to put a semi-colon after 2 of 4 of "The bureaucratics" lines.
In the first stanza, I think the comma at the end of the first quote should be a period. Also, in the third stanza, you don't need a comma before the prepositional phrase. You only need commas with prepositional phrases when they start the sentence. In the last stanza, seventh line, As people flag and flowers wilt, you either mean "people's" or you're making a list which requires commas.
This is an eye-opening piece. I think it might be a bit much for younger audiences though. I'm recommending an ASR rating versus the E rating you have now. Your rhymes and descriptions are great. Good job!
This is a fun piece! It's very comical. Your rating is too low though. Because of the one instance of cursing, this should be rated 13+. Check out "Content Rating System (CRS)" for further information.
The double spacing is nice; however, you still might consider putting an extra space between paragraphs or indenting each paragraph. Also, there is an extra empty line in paragraph three that shouldn't be there.
I'm a trifle confused in the beginning. You say you've been taking the 4 to the Metro North then you say you've been riding the Metro North for two years. Then, you say you've decided to give up the Metro North for the 4 train. Are you saying that you've decided to stop connecting and stay on the 4? It seems like you have problems because you started riding the 4. But, in the beginning, it sounds like you've always ridden the 4 but are now taking it the whole route instead of just part way. You might clarify that a little more.
There are a few errors at the end of the piece. In the sentence, "I finally see 2 or 3, men in white coats, trying to pry something from my hands." You don't need commas around "men in white coats." Also, a little further down, "Well, what do know, it is!" is missing "you." Around this area you changed your structure. You have a couple of paragraphs that are single spaced rather than double spaced.
You're missing a few commas here and there as well. For instance, in the first paragraph, "As the bus gracefully glides through the early morning streets I start to wonder" needs a comma after "streets." I recommend a solid proofread to check for other instances like this. Also, I think I saw one instance of "your" versus "you're."
This is a funny piece. I like the way it ends. Your descriptions are very entertaining. I would be happy to take another look and re-review the piece after you've edited it. Good job!
This is a fun story. I love your description of skating to the cars. I could see it all! All your descriptions are great. Adding the recipe to the story is a great touch.
It's funny how we're told a story so often that we begin to believe that we can remember it. Great job! Thanks for sharing.
It could use some punctuation. Commas after phrases, periods at the end of sentences. Also, I'm not sure about the line "Drew their swords and shot one another." I'm just not sure how to take it.
It is a funny little piece with the deaf man hearing the shot and the blind man seeing it. If you put the first two lines together and the last two lines together, you would have a good rhyme going on.
I especially liked, "If you don't believe this lie is true." (This is one place that needs a comma.) It's very funny. Good job!
This is a nice start. Your writing style reminds me of the novel Jane Eyre. (It's done in a biographical style.)
I am wondering, a little, about the time-line. How long has Mary's mother been back in the states? Also, "extra-marital" is one word, without the hyphen.
You might want to watch your use of the ending "-ing". You tend to mix it with present tense verbs. For instance, "I drag my gaze away from her, turning my head back toward the window, and looking out into the distance." The words "turning" and "looking" should be "turn" and "look."
At the end, a couple of things in regards to the paragraph that starts "With thoughts of Mount Pinatubo." In that first sentence, I would add "and" before the last phrase and change "hoping" to "hope."
I can imagine that, after 20 years, her mother's confessions would be difficult to digest. Thus, I'm not sure why you (almost) contradict that by saying, Still. It seems as though her reactions are perfectly natural.
Also, is it just that her mother admits that her father was unfaithful or is it also that her mother has forgiven him and the others who have wronged her that Mary has trouble accepting?
I like how you end the chapter with questions. It makes the reader wonder as well. It also makes the reader curious. What are the answers to the questions? We'll have to discover as Mary discovers. Good job!
This piece is a lovely dance. It seems to end in a different spot than it began. I wasn't expecting that. I though it would be more of a cyclical piece. I like it more for ending elsewhere.
In the 9th stanza, I'm inclined to think the semi-colon should be a comma. The phrase "a dance of balance" is part of the first and doesn't really stand on its own. This is my personal opinion.
In the 12th stanza, you have an extra space between the question mark and closing quotation mark.
Also, at the end your middle link has a space in it. Thus, it doesn't show the link and item description.
The last part almost seems like a riddle. I'm not sure which is real and which is imagined. The piece seems to twist and turn. I like the movement within. The ideas and descriptions are nice. Also, the piece flows well. Great job!
This is a great idea! You have all your information laid out in a clear, easy to read (& follow) way.
I have one question though. In your gift point log, your group number doesn't match the group number you give in the piece for donations. Do you have two things going on?
Again, this is a great idea. I wish you the best of luck with this. Keep up the good work!
This is a great article. It sounds just like an infomercial to me. I was waiting for you to tell me what I'm supposed to buy. You're selling this idea really hard! (This is a good thing.)
There is one sentence in the second to last paragraph that I stumbled over.
And when you do have time later to work what you’ve written back into your “real” manuscript; be it in a notebook or on a computer, you will have an excellent opportunity to edit.
It took me several rereads to finally figure out what you are saying. I think what gets me is the section "later to work what you've written back". It might be clearer if you just say "to add what you've written into your "real" manuscript."
Also, your semi-colon after "manuscript" is misguided. It should be just a comma. The part in front of "manuscript" cannot stand on its own.
There's another instance of this in the last paragraph. The first half of the second sentence cannot stand on its own. When you start... on your writing;
I believe in what you are saying. (I do it myself.) You have some great ideas and present them well. You also have some great examples. I like the name you've given it. (Writing in the Cracks.) Good job!
I'm sorry you ran out of room in your other account. Rather than create an item to say this, you can put this information in your Bio Block. You can even put a link in for your other account.
It's simple to link to another account. Type {user:username}. For instance, to link to legodude12, type {user:legodude12}. What you will see is this: Larry.
This isn't really an item (more like a billboard). Thus, I'm not quite sure how to rate it. Really, I feel this shouldn't be an item. This sort of thing belongs in a Bio Block and wastes your precious space.
Now, you can do information about you. Biographies are widely accepted. In order to make this more biographical, you would need to add information about yourself. Where you're from, what you like, your dislikes, how you started writing, how you came to WDC... these are all questions you could answer in a biographical piece. In this case, you would want to change your item genres. You could do biographical, non-fiction, personal. Just to name a few.
If you decide to make this a biographical piece, I would be more than happy to look at it and re-review.
Keep writing!!!
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Welcome to WDC!!
It's rather interesting though.