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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/nathalyabraun
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49 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Nathalya
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Fox,

I like the mystery and the poetry of your writings.
Your lovely words make it interesting to read and keep pace with the text.
On the other side, the motion in rhymes is so delightful, I would simply write it all down in verse form.

However honestly speaking I am still wondering about the topic after the reading (but maybe it is also the purpose of the whole?) :o)
Moreover I don't really understand the purpose of the brackets in your prosa. To me it cuts the flow a bit.

And here again: don't stop writing - my taste is all subjective! :o)
2
2
Review by Nathalya
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Some editing and punctuation here and there, but in the whole, a very well rounded up story.
I looooooooooove the fighting and training scenes.
But most of all, I can see the characters.

I still miss one thing though: does Adam have beard? After the night, men do shave. Or Adam not?
This might be a potential for a morning scene where Tinnus laughs at his companion because he does not need so.
:o) ?

Alright. Next?
:o)

3
3
Review of The Snow Queen  
Review by Nathalya
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Still I can't take my eyes off Tilda Swinton's perfect acting in The Chronicles of Narnia. To me, she incarnates hundred percently the Winter Queen. Your poem is great and reminds me of this actress. Cold heart, cold stare, cold mind. For whom does she care? No one's around.
Well done - it froze my heart, down to the spine.

:o)
Thanks for sharing!!!
Nat***
4
4
Review of Waking  
Review by Nathalya
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Okay. So what are the next adventures of Tamira and Nira? :o)
I suppose you reached your goal well as I am willing to read more from these short stories.
My interest is aroused, so it means: good plot, good character evolution, vivid, lively colours and descriptions, and great cliffhanger.

Thanks for your contribution and keep on sharing!!!

Cheers,
Nathalya***
5
5
Review by Nathalya
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Glenn!

Great story, really!
The description of Gabe's greediness - thanks for the meteor credits! - is really... instructive. A very good way to show the character's main trait.
Very nice the explanation of his business too. Also to me a little bit too technical.
I looooved the description of the guy... thank you for that! (I love "seeing" the characters and landscapes, it makes the stories livelier).
You are completely in the world. That's really awesome! This time, the technical details are exactly right.
So... will Gabe purchase his planetoid after having secures his fortune?

My (other) details:
Second paragraph: to my mind, if you could avoid the repetitions of "money", it would be more in the flow - using synonymes like "bucks".
don’t ask don’t tell rules = I would write these together: don’t ask-don’t tell rules
Regulus' and Gabe's exchange = I would check out to avoid repeting the same words for the same sense within a few sentences. It cuts the reading flow (e.g.: transaction, money, today).
The last third of the text would need re-reading and little re-editing, but otherwise, you stay within your characters and that's the plan. :o)

Thank you for sharing - and don't stop writing!
Nathalya***
6
6
Review of Prologue  
Review by Nathalya
Rated: E | (5.0)
Boah.... that's scarily great. MORE!
That's ingenious, deep, offensive. And has a great plot.
Teh descriptions are right to the point, the details are carefully weighed. The most important is there.
A very well deserved first place indeed.

Thank you for sharing!
Nathalya***
7
7
Review of Haloween Night  
Review by Nathalya
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi MW1000,

wow, dear, that's creepy... brrr... great job about the thrill, the detailed descriptions. I would like to come back more on the style as I am no native-speaker, but could find the one or the other edit improvement. Some are typos, I suppose.

Frankenstiens = I think you mean Frankensteins.
Letita = Letitia (third paragraph)
"Eighty - five percent. Rotten!"ejaculated the mother. = As I said, I'm no native speaker but have a good translation software. I suppose that "rotten" may not appropriate, if Stacy's mother should be a courteous lady - so the impression one has of her when she is introduced to the reader the first lines. More, the verb "ejaculate" sounds to me like "sperm splutter". That could do well in an intimate scenery. I suppose you mean "exclaim", or "proclaim".
and poor Stacy stared at an ugly bent woman = why poor? I would write "shy" or "uncertain". To me she is not "poor" but brave, because she wanted it, to go to the cottage.
positivley green = "positively"? what do you mean? "shiny" green, "pale" green?
Her right eyelid was covered with warts as well = this is a repetition; maybe a synonym would be more appropriate? like verruca or "purulent, hairy spots".
her tounge twisting around = "tongue", I suppose.
her few remaining teeth = another repetition; a synonyme could be "gnashers" (I found on www.leo.com)
many cakes lay on the table = "cake"-repetition could be completed, or changed by "pastries", "cookies", "biscuits", "soft pies"; table is more difficult. But maybe there are "tablets", "plates", "dishes" where the sweets are placed on.
sweets and cockroach = "candies", insects are not bad. What about "bugs", or "beetles"?
("earth worms" or "crawlers", brrrr)
The woman's head got separated from the body = I would write actively, "The woman's head separated from the body and landed on the floor"
Sally suddenly couldn't see clearly. = I would re-write it into "Sally's vision got suddenly blurred."
She was wading knee deep in BLOOD. = I would write in small capitals. The effect is more impressive than if you write it in big capital letters. Otherwise it notifies the reader "hey, here is something EXTREMELY IMPORTANT I have to tell YOU". :o)
and saw the haunting face of the woman rolled down = roll down
Mrs.Watson's porched = porch
coustume = costume
Her mother just wasn't pleased! = I think I did not catch the meaning of that sentence. What do you mean by that?

I really appreciated the turn in the end.
I hop I was not too controversial or critical with my comments. Your choice = you are the author. But whatever you do, go on writing!
Thanks for sharing!

Cheers,
Nathalya***
8
8
Review of Augie  
Review by Nathalya
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Very nice story about friendship, animal love and sensitivity.
I liked most the pictures and images that the narration developed. Augie is a nice puppy and Billy's mother a nice secondary character.

I liked the link to the dream and coming back into reality. Well done!

Thanks for sharing!
NB***
9
9
Review by Nathalya
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great piece, enlightening and funny.
The plot is great and the images are not too technical.
I was able to feel the start and how Ben extinguishes the starting fire. Fortunately he is trained to such extremes, so I was not affraid.
But thrilled, anyway.

Thanks for sharing!
NB***
10
10
Review by Nathalya
Rated: E | (5.0)
Gladiators?
No, slaves in a ship.
No, fighters in the arena.
No, the Army soldiers?
No.

School children.
Great!

Thanks for sharing!!!
NB***
11
11
Review by Nathalya
Rated: E | (5.0)
I liked:
- the story (biography)
- the character
- the details
- the movement in the poem
- the rhymes

I wonder...:
# she was born a slave but was then set free (I'm a French girl with little knowledge of American culture, that's maybe the reason why I don't catch all the subtilities)
# she never married? :o)

Thanks...
for providing that real feeling of freedom; no need of a cigarette or a cowboy to see Mary laugh by rain or sunlight.

Thanks for sharing!
NB***
12
12
Review by Nathalya
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Icetower,

I'd like to create a new character. Sylvana, the druid.

Sylvana
Class: Druid
Level: 19
Weapon: Quarterstaff
Magic: Heal, Healmore, Judgement, Lightspot, Speak with animals, Tame animals
Specials: Insuflate (lets plants grow)
Hp: 695 Mp: 520 Attack: 23 Magic: 49 Defence: 58 Speed: 32
Items: red potion(x5), green potion(x8)
Money: 750 gold

Does it fit then?
Sylvana is a halfling, means not a dwarf but a little woman. She's 1,40m tall, slender body, long curly hair, dressed up in green attires. She has a quarterstaff to defend herself from predators like men, orks, snowtail foxes. And evil creatures of course.
Sounds great?

When could I begin to write then?
:o)
NB***

PS: red potion=life potion, green potion=magic potion? and what is the blue potion?
13
13
Review by Nathalya
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thanks for sharing. It is beautiful.
(I am awestruck, really, therefore speechless)

NB***
14
14
Review by Nathalya
Rated: E | (4.0)
hi icetower,

one question: what RPG rules are you following?
D&D, Pathfinder? WOW?
If so, it would be great if you could describe in big lines what the levels mean. Because I used to play D&D 3.5, and started a Pathfinder round, but my levels were never higher than 4 or 6.
If it's WOW, could you try to explain what you mean or expect with these character parameters. :o)
Or should we just start?

See you around!
*Vine1* Nathy*** *Vine2*
15
15
Review by Nathalya
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Kimoff,

I love it, it is simply beautiful.
Thanks!

NB***
16
16
Review by Nathalya
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Great battle scene, could get more of it.
The first descriptions help to settle the scene, as Arae walks throught the forest.
But it was a little too much for me. After three paragraphs, I skipped some lines, then sentences. It was too much detail.
Otherwise a very nice place to be. Let's see what you bring in your next chapter.
*BigSmile*

Cheers,
NB***
17
17
Review by Nathalya
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
> The city truly was a fantastic sight to behold. <
We know that from the previous chapter. Do you want to repeat it? (I'm so mean...!!!) *Blush*
> Their glazes met briefly < : their... gazes, right?

> A small and thin pair of glasses sat balanced perfectly on the bridge of his nose <
sat or balanced or both?

> For all he knew, the boy could be a thief. And perhaps, as Tinnus had put it, he was indeed a thief, or rather had been. But in situations like this, good deeds seemed rare enough to behold and for once, the old man accepted that fact. <
I would strike "And perhaps, as Tinnus had put it, he was indeed a thief, or rather had been." It lets the situation be more dynamic, leaving "Old Scrooge", as I see him, in his doubts, giving him more depth.

> where Tinnus had saw the lady before arranging her flowers < : had seen the lady

*Laugh* synonyms! > "So you're a Magician then sir?" Tinnus asked rather nosey, the old man laughed a little (>) in response. His expression changed a little (> faintly) as he watched Tinnus show(ed) interest.
"Indeed I am, Edgar the Purple Flame they used to call me"
"Why the Purple Flame?" Tinnus asked, whilst (>) generally interested in the answer.
"Ha. Whilst (> During my) training at the Academy, I had this unexplainable ability to turn all of the fire to which I would conjure bright purple. It could never be explained, not even by my own professors." <

> limps <: you mean limbs, right?

> with a face of uncertainly <: uncertainty.

> they watched the old man quickly disappeared <: quickly disappear.

Conclusion: I have the slight impression that Tinnus looks like Elijah Woods of Lord of the Rings... blue eyes, long dark hair... I prefer Adam with short hair, actually. Anyway. And Isaac: Sean Connery with long grey hair. Beau-ti-ful. *BigSmile*
So. What's next?
*Inlove*

Cheers,
NB***

PS: I would like you to know that I don't do that for the GPs. I need them, but that's not the point. And then again... GOD DAMN IT, I'M ADDICTED!!!!!!!!
Right. So you have your first fan here. Go on writing, I love the characters, the personalities, and the contexts. ThankXXX!!!
18
18
Review by Nathalya
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Stop: first sentence, split it in two or three, it alleviates the reading.
The second: same remark.
"to beautiful"? Check the typing mistakes. *Cool* (I'm quite meticulous regarding these..., sorry!)
"at its stunning beautiful." You mean "stunning beauty", right?
Fourth paragraph, the market place: I personally would describe it all in the same tempus (past, not present).
Seventh: the bridge. I don't quite understand. Is it so deep that it looks like a ravine? Here again, split up in 2 sentences, so we can understand the last sentence.
From top to mid: check the punctuation. I am missing the dots at the end of the dialogue lines, and in the description of Adam's rememberance.

Another thing I always say or recommend in my reviews is: do not hesitate to use synonymes. Let's take the next passage, so you understand what I mean:
> Isaac once again returned to his sitting position and sat presentably behind the large wooden desk; he motioned Adam to take one of the empty seats in front of him and waited until he was seated. <
Sitting, sat, seat, seated. How to change this to make it less boring? Use different wordings or skip actions.
> Isaac once again returned to his desk and sat presentably behind the large wooden table; he motioned Adam to take one of the empty chairs in front of him and waited for the latter to sit down. <
Or: > Isaac returned to his desk; with a wave of his hand, he motioned Adam to take a seat, in front of him, and reintroduced his place without a word. <

"Isaac started.". No "," here.

> We assisted of course, but after sending two of my best men to escort her. They were attacked with perfect coordinate and skill by hooded enemies unknown. <
Hum, need to check the punctuation and the articulation. Do you mean:
"they were attacked by perfectly coordinated and skilled unknown enemies."?

> If she tries to tell us, she is magically forced to stop…she has been cursed in a manner of speaking < I would delete "in a manner of speaking" because Isaac explains that part later on.

> So an important person, a woman, arrived at the Fighter’s Guild a couple of weeks ago, carrying the burden of vital news which she cannot retell to anyone. She has been sought after by powerful forces unknown and now has been put into hiding for her own protection. <
You keep this in present or want to change to past? To me, it would be easier to write it in perfect. Or make it italic, so every one knows that it is his thoughts.

I love the conclusion - straight forward, taking the reader with you.

Thanks !
NB***
19
19
Review by Nathalya
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
God oh God. I am a lesbian, but I simply... shiver of pleasure with your characters!
Alright, let's check the text. Here again, you go on with descriptions. I love the inner-life of the Inn - may I use it (in german) for my novel? At least, I will get inspired.
So great!!!

It came to my mind that your story actually sets in a world that has not been settled up yet. It's brand new, it's crisp, it's young, it's beautiful.
(hey boy, where are the goblins? the orcs? the magicians...???)

You have done your homework well: the characters are romantic, tender, play their role delightfully (and I don't speak of the two mains). *BigSmile*

Alright. Let's check chapter 3...!
NB***
20
20
Review by Nathalya
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is the great beginning of a great story. I can imagine it to be compiled in a cartoon, a comic, you know?
You let the reader come along, you explain with discretion and love.
I like the first scene, in the rain: great!
Now I am longing at the other chapters, see how the plot evolves.
So from me now, in conclusion: great plot points, great characters.

Thanks for writing!
NB***
21
21
Review by Nathalya
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Bewildering. Authentic. True. Deep. Clean. Sharp. And a character - Abena - to remember. Having lived in Africa myself as a child and growing teen, I can absolutely behold these young African women you depicted as well as their colourful attires in front of my inner eye, still. Thank you for being so specific and sober. That makes it all the more... tasty. Don't stop! NB***
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