I think this is beautifully written with lots of passionate wording. I absolutely love rhyming poetry and that is just about all that I ever write, but I think something like this would be much prettier and natural sounding if you didn't try so hard to rhyme the end lines. I would simply suggest to write from the heart and express your deepest feelings in something with this much potential. I think you will surprise yourself when you see how well you create. Blessings and please keep writing and sharing your talent. Magoo
This is very pretty and nicely written. You have good writing skills. I love the imagery that you use all throughout the poem. I especially like "My friend is a bird, who soars high in the blue sky", and "and cares for the crystal tears." Thanks for sharing. Magoo
This is truly an excellent piece of writing. There is so much to glean from this that it will take some time to process it. I love the arguments and the way you reason everything out in a logical way. Thank you so much for presenting this essay. An absolutely great read. Magoo
This is incredibly beautiful and such a lovely read that I truly enjoyed. You've done a masterful job of inserting warm emotions all the way through the poem. I wasn't sure about the fourth line of the fourth stanza, it doesn't seem right to me, but since you said it isn't complete you may still be working on that one. In the fourth line of the first stanza I would probably say "lacking gold" instead of "no gold", but that is simply my opinion. Thanks for sharing this delightful piece and I'm sure the recipient will be thrilled with it. Thanks for brightening my day with your wonderful writing skills. Magoo
I love baseball so this was a nice read for me. I was able to get into the scene with my mind and emotions. I noticed one minor typo "Time (for) make something happen", obviously, you meant (to) instead of (for). I would suggest combining a few lines together. For instance, in the second paragraph "They were down by two in the bottom of the ninth." You also may want to use more descriptive wording, maybe "Chippens lined a base hit and Willis scampered to third." The ending is excellent and unexpected, great job there. Thanks for sharing your talent. Magoo
It is an interesting poem that makes the reader think. Personally I would try to improve the flow in a few lines. If you wrote something like "it's seldom discerned" in the second line of the first stanza you would get a better flow and more of an exact rhyme. If you shorten the second line of the first, third, and fourth stanzas the flow would be improved immensely. Maybe" Mona Lisa yearned" and "no one concerned". Just a few thoughts, thanks for sharing your talent. Magoo
I love the nice rhymes, good flow, and word choices. The only thing that I think could be improved would be to try and work a different word into the first stanza other than "such". I think a word with more emotion would be to use the word "touch". Overall, a really good poem for the season that I truly enjoyed reading. Thanks for sharing this nicely written piece. Magoo
This is very well-written in my opinion. The lines flow smoothly and the rhymes are great. The ending is perfect. I like how you speak through the voice of the mouse and personify the creature. I don't think it needs to be rated 18+; I think E is appropriate. Thanks for sharing your talent and creative writing skills. Magoo
I think this is very good. It has an old time sound to it, like it was written hundreds of years ago. I have a few comments, but these are simply my opinions to maybe help you in some minor way. I had to read the second line of the first stanza twice; you might consider saying
"puts" instead of "pulls". I actually like "dons" myself. In the third line of the fifth stanza, the line doesn't flow well. I would suggest "you may just be a wondering". I think the third line of the last stanza is too wordy. I would suggest "as well you should now wonder". Again, these are simply opinions and may be of no use to you. Thanks for sharing your enviable talent. Magoo
This is a truly delightful read with excellent lines that produce wonderful imagery in the mind of the reader. You have a wonderful gift of being able to rhyme without making it sound forced, not many poets can accomplish that task. This is a refreshing piece to read and definitely brightened my day. Thanks for sharing such well-crafted lines. Magoo
You did an excellent job with this one. I grew up in the woods of Pennsylvania and these descriptions are great. I have seen this type of scene dozens of times and never get tired of the majestic beauty surrounding the focal point of the "buck". Your first two lines are my favorite, but the whole thing is great. You took me into the woods for a moment and let me see this beautiful creature crossing a spot that he often frequents and later trots through a peaceful meadow into the shelter of the wood. I absolutely loved this poem. Thanks for sharing. I am definitely a fan. Magoo
I think this is powerful and a very good read. I like the flow of most of the lines. I have a couple of suggestions (mainly for the purpose of flow). In the second line of the second stanza you could possibly write " with desperate risings here and there. " In the third line of the last stanza, I would suggest " My mount is lost; my vision vague". Just a couple of thoughts and only my opinions, again based on flow. Thanks for sharing your talent and nice writing skills. Magoo
I like the way you write, Bob. You ask great questions that make me think. I have a lot of comments on this piece. "Why would a perfect God allow imperfections?" I honestly think everything was perfect in his initial creation. But I believe he had to allow for that one temptation to give human kind a choice or (freewill). Without choice we are nothing more than robots. Love cannot be forced and I believe God wanted a creation of persons who loved him on their own. Since the fall of mankind, everything has been cursed but will be restored in the end of the age. Time does cause defects, but again, all a part of the curse. God's glory was manifest in the blind man but that doesn't mean every incident in life is that way for the glory of God. Amos was a prophet and was talking specifically to Israel and bringing judgement upon it in Amos 3:6. God did that all the time to Israel to bring them back to himself. Job was simply saying that we must accept the good and the bad in life. Romans 3:23 is simply stating that since Adam sinned then all of his offspring would do the same. Just a like a dent in a jello mold would have that same imperfection on all future uses. It is talking about the nature of sin being passed down from generation to generation. Whereas, Deut.24:16 is simply referring to a specific sin not being punished from one generation to the next ( not even close to the same type of thing). The Apostle John was talking about those who are born again or (born anew, or from above), not his creation in general. He is saying that true Christians will no longer have the same sin nature, but will have the spirit of God living in them and will be convicted of wrong doings. We sin daily but we are no longer lovers of sin. On judgement day God will look upon those who trust in him and only see the blood of the lamb (Jesus). Just like in the Passover of the Old Testament. The blood of the lamb protected the homes when it was shed and put on the door posts. All those people were saved from the judgement because God looked upon the blood of the innocent lamb. You are correct, we do not have a perfect world (it is in its fallen state), but we do have an Almighty God who will one day restore things to perfection. Time was created by God and it will somehow be engulfed by eternity some day. Thanks for sharing, Bob. "This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it." Have a great day and keep on writing. Magoo
I think the potential for this poem is through the roof. I think it needs some tweaking to help with the word flow, but it is a great poem overall. In the first stanza and fourth line you could say something like "But our love was never sure". It would help that line with flow and rhyme. In the fourth line of the second stanza you could say something like "while living with deceit " (you misspelled 'deceit' by the way). In the fifth stanza and second line, I would place the comma after 'short-lived' instead of 'though' and eliminate the word 'still'. "Though short-lived, still remain". In the first line of the last stanza, I would suggest "Don't lose those loving times with me." Thanks for sharing and keep creating sweet writings like this. Have a great day. Magoo
This is a wonderfully emotional piece. I could picture much of this in my mind with your nice use of imagery. The lines flow well and make for a nice read. I saw this reviewed on the review page and agree with the person who mentioned the line "lies abandoned, useless, and lonely". I think the main problem with that line is that the word "lonely" is stressed on the first syllable which throws off the rhythm when trying to rhyme it with the word "sea"(which by the way is my favorite line in the poem). "By the whims of a petulant sea." Thanks for sharing. Magoo
This is an absolutely amazing and inspiring story; I loved every word. You kept my eyes glued to the computer screen. You sold your works in a very creative way. Who would have thunk it? I hope to sell some of my children's poems someday (none of which I have posted here). Thanks for sharing and giving us encouragement on this site. Have a fantastic day. Magoo
This is written so beautifully that I doubt that I can be of much help. It does leave the reader wondering what the word was that he pondered over and gave him hope. If I were to guess, I would say it was the word "hope". Thanks for sharing this piece, it is quite sobering and filled with the realities of aging. Good luck with the contest and keep creating wonderful works like this. Magoo
This truly is a wonderful and heartwarming story. I am an avid baseball fan so it was doubly special to me. Your descriptions are great all the way through. This piece is very touching but not corny or over the top in my opinion. You obviously know the game of baseball quite well. Thanks for sharing and "Play ball". I am definitely a fan of your work. Magoo
I like the emotions all the way through this poem. Overall, the lines flow nice and smooth. I have a few comments. In the third line you want the word (were) instead of (where). You end each line with a period. I think you could eliminate all punctuation or space out the periods so that they end with complete thoughts. You wrote "time spent thinking on you". I think it would be better to simply say "time spent thinking" because the poem is all about the both of you and I doubt that you mean that both of you were thinking about him or her. I think the last line ends too abruptly. I think you could write something like " Our memories will live for all eternity" Thanks for sharing this piece and keep writing. Magoo
I think this is a very good poem with some nice emotions and wonderfully written lines. I especially like "Is a badge to be worn" and "complete without scorn". I have a few suggestions. In the first stanza and last line the word 'effort' disrupts the flow. You could say " Too much for the rage". I think if you eliminate 'the' in the fourth line of the third stanza the flow would be smoother. "With thoughts in my head." I wasn't sure what you meant in the third line of the last stanza. I am pretty sure you want the word (it's) instead of (its), but did you mean (there) instead of (their), if not who are you referring to when you say (their)? If you mean (there), then you could write it "It's there I survive malice." Personally, i would simply write "It's malice I survive". In the description you wrote "ageing", it should be "aging". Thanks for sharing this inspirational piece of writing. Magoo
I think the thought of an ekphrastic poem is intriguing in itself, but you make it all the more so. The imagery is incredible in this piece and your word choices are great. I suppose if the reader didn't know it was ekphrastic or saw the description they might be quite confused. I love the way you speak to the face on the painting and make it come alive for the reader. I especially like "Did I see you first, or did I speak to you last?" The last line is perfect, blunt and almost offensive to a non-existent being. I love it. Thanks for sharing this delightful poem. Magoo
It is a beautiful poem with some nice lines. You mention you want to get better at writing poetry so I will give my personal opinion and a few comments. If you are writing rhyming poetry it really helps to try and get the syllable count close between lines or use a pattern like 8/6/8/6. Some of the rhymes aren't exact which is okay at times but it will always sound better if you use exact rhymes. I have a suggestion for the fourth line of the first stanza " By a sorrowful sound." In the third stanza you say " As man had ruined her beauty to dirt." Dirt is a part of Mother Nature and a very big one at that. Turning things back into dirt would be a good thing in my opinion. Maybe something like "Mankind has polluted her life giving dirt". Just a couple of thoughts, thanks for sharing your talent. Magoo
This is a beautiful poem; I love it. This piece flows beautifully and the words are truth filled. I have a few suggestions.
I would insert (are) between "Happy (are) those who take...". I would also use the word "Him" at the end of this same sentence because you used "Lord" in the prior sentence and this would avoid the repetitive wording. I would also place an "s" after the word "kindle". In the last two lines you use the word "refuge" twice, you could easily write "Take your dwelling as my safe haven". This would eliminate the repetitive usage of "refuge" and keep the same meaning. Thanks for sharing your talent and God bless. Magoo
You may be right about it being sappy and cliche, but it is a good kind of sappy and cliche. I think you draw the reader in and share the heartfelt thoughts of the writer. There are a few spelling errors (unforgettable) (blossoms)(sensual)(worst). I think there is one line that you could possibly reword. My suggestion "Those endearing moments when you yell worrisome words." There is a spell check on this site if you ever want to use it, just click on the item and you will see the word "spell" below the average star rating. I think you did a really good job of writing this poem, you might have a knack for writing romance, something I can't do worth a hoot. Thanks for sharing your talent and have a wonderful day. Magoo
I really like this; you write very well. I especially like "Stop spinning little girl, (you're) not so little anymore". There are a few lines that need a bit of tweaking, for instance (your) all on your own now should be (you're) all on your own now. "out down your daisies", did you mean "cut down"? You wrote (her) twice in a row "standing her her". Overall, a really good read. Thanks for sharing your talent. Magoo
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