I think you have a wonderful way of writing and use beautiful language in this poem. I especially like "Gently rising above the sleeping lawn... and... Watching the steps of a newborn fawn . I also like "Climbing higher into a puffy cloud". You state that you want to rewrite this piece so I have few suggestions. You could use 'sleepy' lawn in the first line for a quicker flow. I think the weakest end rhyme is when you use the word 'keen'. You could consider working the words 'green' and 'scene' into those lines for a more natural sound. The last line isn't totally clear. I know you are talking about the sun but it could be interpreted to be about the birds you wrote about in the previous line. The last line should also be the strongest and have a powerful ending. I would probably use the word 'sun' in the last line and maybe end it with 'sight' or 'bright'. Thanks for sharing and keep writing delightful pieces like this. Magoo
This is an absolutely wonderful piece of writing with a great message for all readers. I love your positive attitude and the way you express your feelings. You are a very good writer and could go places with your talent and tenacity. At the end of the fifth stanza I believe you meant to write (become) instead of (became). Thanks for sharing your lovely writing skills. Magoo
This is a very good poem and quite the enjoyable read. The flow is smooth and the rhymes are great. I especially liked "... This thieving, feathered bunch." I think the weakest line is "... Rescued by a fox." It doesn't have as good a flow as the rest of the poem. I would probably write something like "so grateful for a fox." Thanks for sharing your talent and lovely writing skills. Magoo
I believe you listed this poem in the right category. It is incredibly emotional and absolutely tears at the heart of the reader. Since the person in the poem is a young boy, I believe you have created an even more powerful read. Thanks for sharing this piece. I see no way to improve upon it. Magoo
You write very well and I truly enjoyed the read. I actually disagree with all of your points but will only comment on one. I think it would be a bit odd for a woman to want a position as a pastor in a church. If a woman sincerely believes the Bible then she would know that Jesus chose twelve men as disciples and did not choose a woman. I realize that sounds wrong but if a woman wants to be a church leader then she should either accept the Bible or simply pursue another calling. Some might argue that Jesus did this because of the society at the time, but Jesus was God incarnate and honestly wouldn't care about misguided beliefs. He was always bucking the system and didn't care what people thought. My understanding as to why women should not be church leaders or at least pastors is because Eve was deceived and not Adam. Again, this sounds wrong and hateful toward women, but if one is a sincere Bible believer, then it is easily understood and accepted. It doesn't mean women are inferior, but more prone to be deceived by satan than men and shouldn't lead a church. If someday women succeed in placing women in all of the major denominations as pastors, then the churches will no longer be churches and the true church will basically go underground. The church is actually the body of true believers and not the building anyway. It doesn't mean that women can't teach or speak in the churches; it simply means that pastors should be men. Satan is called the deceiver and this is a mandate from God to protect the church and the congregation from being easily deceived. I know my words sound ridiculous to many and I don't expect those who aren't true believers to accept them, but I must share my opinions and the truth as I see it. Thanks for sharing your wonderful writing skills and I hope you continue to expound upon your beliefs. Magoo
I think you write very well and the meanderings of your mind are quite interesting. I like the imagery of the trees and flowers. I almost didn't read this because you were downplaying it in the description. I don't like to read things that people don't put much effort into, but this is a nice piece. My only advice would be to eliminate the negative description, you write wonderfully and have a lot to share. Magoo
This is beautiful. I adore the wonderful wording and the sweet and loving lines about your horse. A couple of lines sound a bit awkward to me. "I always in the lead " might sound better as "I (am) always in the lead" or "I always lead." The line "I first your master" would sound better as "I (am) first your master." Thanks for sharing this special poem and your heartfelt words. Magoo
This is a very emotional piece of writing. It is always sad when childhood isn't something that we can look back upon and smile while dreaming nostalgic thoughts. I don't mean to be offensive, so please take my words with a grain of salt. Some of the language seems too complex to be coming from a father who is repenting of past failures. For instance "...it has become tangible, manifesting physically. My chest tightens, my lungs compress. I cannot breathe. And although no physical force exists, I feel a magnitude of pressure being exerted on me." I could see a scientist apologizing to a colleague in this manner, but it seems like a dad would use different language, even if he was a genius. I think a father with a dozen doctorates would say something like... Sweetheart, I am so sorry for the misery I caused in your life. I should have been there for you and been your protector. If only I could turn back time and start over again, I would dry your every tear... and so on. Sure, it would be corny, but I think it would be more realistic. Again, I hope you aren't offended, this is just my opinion. Thanks for sharing your talent and nice writing skills. Magoo
This is nicely done. I love the imagery and positive attitude of this poem. I think you could strengthen the last couplet with ending lines that are more exact, (on) and (alone) don't rhyme well. I think you could create something in the last line by using a word like (gone) or (dawn). I have a suggestion for the first couplet.
The sun scuds across the brightest sky;
the floating clouds beckon me to fly.
Just a thought. Thanks for sharing your talent and keep writing and sharing you wonderful works. Have a great day. Magoo
I absolutely love this. It sounds like something someone would dream about. The imagery is great and (no pun intended) paints a lovely scene. In the first line, I believe you meant (In) instead of (Im). I am not a big fan of lines ending like ..we did laugh, but that is only my opinion. I would probably just say...we laughed ...or...we simply laughed. Thanks for sharing this delightful poem. Magoo
This is a good piece of writing with an excellent ending. I think a couple of lines need a bit of work. In the third line you want the word (given) instead of (gave). You could even say " I've waited so long to hear". In the ninth and tenth lines, the tenses get a bit mixed up here. You could say something like...
With a smile and a vow
we became one
and were excited to begin a new life.
Again, the ending is awesome and really ties the poem together in a wonderful way. Thanks for sharing. Magoo
I absolutely love this poem. You made me laugh when you said you were sending it back through the grinder. I can picture trees bending over and listening ( I know you mean metaphorically but is a great image). You refer to spring as 'pastel', great choice here. The summer and fall descriptions are wonderful also. The winter creates another awesome image... adorned in white jackets. You have a wonderfully creative mind and have oodles of talent. The only thing I might change would be to leave off the last three words in the third line. Just my opinion of course, but you mention 'talk' in the next line anyway so I don't really think it adds anything. Awesome piece of writing, you have brightened my day. Magoo
A very pretty and wonderful piece. I really like it a lot. If you want suggestions, I have a few. It might be better to write ... I (would) need more than a rainbow... In the next line I believe you mean (your) instead of (you're). Personally, I think the last line would be more powerful, intriguing, and romantic if you used a word other than 'confusion'. Maybe complexity, essence, mystique, lusciousness, wonder, mystery, mystification, and so on... Just my opinion, thanks for sharing your talent and nice writing skills. Magoo
What an awesome poem! You have quite the envious writing skills. Great stressing of syllables. I truly enjoyed this piece and am serious when I say envious writing skills. I seldom read a poem written this way that isn't boring. Thanks for sharing your wonderful talent. Magoo
I generally don't care for any type of form poetry, but I thought you did an excellent job of writing and transitioning the words. The only thing I might do would be to shorten some of the lines...Darkness of mind... Love with hope....Hope in what could be. It is simply my opinion but if you kept all the lines between 3 and 5 syllables , it seems that it would have an awesome flow. Magoo
What a great and wonderfully written poem written with heartfelt and lovely words. A beautiful tribute to your parents. The piece has nice flow and rhyme throughout. I especially like... You've given me the mind to see you're always the one - to believe in me. A truly delightful poem. Thanks for sharing your passion and talent. Magoo
This is quite adorable and incredibly funny. I love your sense of humor. I especially liked... in search of food I can cut with a butter knife. I also liked ... I've been told how delicious is tomato sauce with a garlicky accent. Thank you for sharing this delightful poem. I loved it. Magoo
What an incredibly well-written short story! You truly have a gift of writing. It may sound strange, but you brought the story to life with your awesome descriptions and wording throughout. You dragged the reader into the piece and made him/her feel and see vividly. Thanks for sharing. Magoo
A very good piece of writing with a nice rhyme scheme. The words flow well and the lines have nice rhythm. You convey your feelings with a lot of heartfelt words. It is obvious that you are venting and you do a good job of it. Thank you for sharing this poem. Magoo
An absolutely beautiful poem with lovely descriptions. You drew me into the piece and captivated my heart with the mental images you portrayed here. I am a sucker for nature poems and this is such a delight I will read it over and over agin. Thank you for sharing your wonderful talent. Magoo
This is an absolutely lovely poem with great imagery. Thank you for painting this picture in my mind. Your words flow very well and the warmth within the lines is tender and calming. You truly have a wonderful way of expressing your feelings and thoughts on paper. Excellent job. Magoo
Thank you for sharing your opinion and thoughts of man and his effects on the environment. You write and express yourself extremely well with your well-crafted words. In the next to last line I believe you meant to write 'were' instead of 'where'. Have a great day, Magoo.
This is incredibly pretty and so nicely written. I love all the heartfelt words and romantic thoughts laced throughout the poem. You are one talented writer who is able to express his thoughts and emotions on paper. I truly enjoyed this piece, Magoo.
This song is powerful. I try to imagine the way it would sound being sung with tenderness. I believe it would be a heartbreaking piece and pull the listener into it with ease. My favorite line... I've got to find a way to keep from losing what pieces I have left. Nice job, Magoo.
You write very well and your words are quite powerful. I love the honesty of the search and sincerity of thought. The last stanza is my favorite. I think you speak for many as they pursue their journey through life's complexities. I truly enjoyed this poem, Magoo.
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