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51
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Review of Eyes of Mist  
for entry "3 - Departure
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
whose names Jorcan didn't know but whom he met with caution... The WHOM refers to a person, not a thing. I'd omit this word altogether and reword the sentence to something like this... whose names Jorcan didn't know but he still avoided with caution.

I will come tomorrow and escort you back." She noticed the mocking glint in his eyes and averted her gaze. "Or you just come down as you please."... here there is a point of view shift. This section is written in Jorcan's point of view, but in this brief line you switched the point of view to Rumar and then back to Jorcan. Point of view needs to be maintained by one character per section. You can still say basically the same thing here but keep it in Jorcan's point of view by doing something like this: "...escort you back." Jorcan realized she must have seen the mocking glint in his eyes because she averted her gaze. "Or you..."

WOW! This was a good! I love your description and how you get me involved with your characters (I'm still really sad about Jara *Sad* ) You also end the sections with suspense (like the cave collapsing *Shock* ) Makes the reader want to read on. Well done!



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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52
Review of Eyes of Mist  
for entry "2 - Dark Clouds
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You have very good description. Pictures were clear and you have emotionally attached me to the characters which I must have if I am to like a book. Your Shakaree soldiers wear masks and different shaped cowles according to their rank, which I like because it makes your story unique having a ranking system you made up. I also like how you are showing both the perspective of the Falamares and Shakarees. It makes the reader not know which to call enemy (maybe there isn't an enemy!*Smile* Overall, well done. WRITE ON!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
53
53
Review of Eyes of Mist  
for entry "1 - Peaceful Days
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
It's heartbreaking to know that Ayala's Marilo was the soldier that fell down wounded in the prologue. Tugged at my heartstrings a bit. I hope he is okay.

You do a good job at descriptions. Some readers throw everything possible about the story at the reader at the very beginning, but you don't. You cleverly describe the Great Plain of Falamar by having the girl climb the summit and then turns around to see it. It fits and does not sound random.

I'm curious about Tamaril too. I think he is the unicorn. Good job at feeding the reader small curiosities at a time.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
54
54
Review of Eyes of Mist  
for entry "1 - Peaceful Days
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
SO I've just read the prologue so far, but I will say that it is very good. Mentioning the icy lump of dread in him put me right in the character's shoes and I felt that icy lump of dread too! *Delight* I don't like a book if I am not emotionally attached to the characters, but you have attached me to them so far, so well done. If you are looking for suggestions, you might make the prologue a tad longer by spending just a little more time on describing the damage/ devastation on Pherdon. The brief detail on that felt rushed to me and too short for me to have a positive grip on what happened there. Also, when the Shakaree soldier killed the other soldier and stepped over his body, you mention there is one, but then the next paragraph you elude to the fact that there are many, which was a little confusing to me because my mind was still stuck on the one Shakaree soldier because that is what was specifically mentioned. If you throw in something like: "several Shakaree soldiers approached out of the mist", then it will fix that problem. I REALLY liked how the soldier was so nervous, he mistook a tree for a man, and then laughed in relief. It lets the reader see how nervous the soldiers are, which is important in a good piece of writing. Overall, well done!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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55
Review by JMRobison
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Below I have highlighted my comments in red. The first rule a reader needs to follow to be successful is to show the reader what is going on and not tell the reader. This piece is all full of telling and not showing which makes it dull and unrealistic. I have listed some examples in the body of your piece of showing and not telling.



The events in this story are true. This is the story of a world in a universe that a prisoner created in the name of science. That prisoner’s name is Ledar Hanelle. I am here to document the story of Belirocea, and the results of Ledar’s madness...

In the beginning, the supreme ruler Ledar created the universe. She made the stars, and she molded the planets from the leftover material. Then, Ledar created life.
She chose several planets to place her beings on. Humans were given Earth. Satyrs were granted the planet of Perali, in the galaxy neighboring Earth. In fact, most of Ledar’s creations were centered in a large cluster of galaxies near the Milky Way.
But there was one galaxy, thousands of light-years from the hustle and bustle of the central galaxies, that was ever silent. Ledar thought long and hard about what she would place on the planet she called Alesranet. Nothing she thought of seemed right. Then it hit her. The most powerful of her creations. The dragons.
The dragons were given the land of Belirocea as their home. The land was beautiful. Gently rolling hills of green pastures supported flocks of sheep-like creatures, and the flowing, crystal clear, blue rivers on the continent irrigated all of the land. The dragons were given the responsibility of keeping the land alive, and they did their job well. Ledar was happy with her creations.
But the dragons forgot their duties over the centuries. Ledar saw them stumble for many years. Elsewhere in her universe, the living creatures were ignoring Ledar’s decrees. Ledar became sad, and she decided to wipe out this universe, and start fresh.
Before she destroyed the universe, however, Ledar thought about her creations. The planets were perfect, though the breathing creations weren’t. The people of the universe would have to be punished as what they really were. Unruly children.
On the hardy planets, Ledar caused the skies to open, and rain on the lands for 40 days and 40 nights. There was one planet, however, that was so evil, Ledar knew she’d have to destroy all traces of civilization. The Martians were the only people in the history of the universe to undergo the horrors of a Harvesting. The Harvester was a machine that first took all traces of vegetation from the planet’s surface. Then it harvested all water from the world. Finally it stole the oxygen from the atmosphere, and thus destroyed the planet.
On Alesranet, Ledar did not use a flood. She unleashed something good on the planet, something that would show the dragons that they had forgotten their duties. Ledar created the elves. She modeled them after the humans. But, knowing about the dragons’ flames, Ledar gave the elves the gift of magic.
The elves landed and drove the dragons to the river they would call Te Arylo pei Caraso. The River of Love. They named it thus for the actions of many of the dragons retreating over the waters. Many times, a dragon would take a spell for their loved ones. So the elves, to honor their foes, named it Te Arylo pei Caraso.
Two borders were drawn, one on each side of the river. The river would be inter-racial, to promote the peace. But, within 30 years, that peace would die.













Chapter One
Rijon Moonshine stared at a small bull’s-eye 1,000 yards away. He held his bow in his left hand, and in his right, Rijon had a single wooden arrow. Quickly, yet steadily, Rijon aimed for the target. He fired his arrow, and it sped straight into the center of the middle ring.
The arrow should have never reached the target. Any human being could never shoot that far. But Rijon Moonshine was no human. He was a seventeen year old elf, dedicated to the art of archery. With good cause. Belirocea was at war, and continent-wide destruction was the normal. Only one creature could dare to cause so much damage against the elven magicians. The dragons of the eastern wilderness were angry about the elves who had entered their wastelands. Tempers flared 20 years ago over a border between the two races. A group of elves had shot and killed a dragon they claimed had crossed the border. The dragons had been outraged, even as they admitted that the dragon in question just might have crossed the line. For ten years, the dragons had bided their time, planning to punish the elves mercilessly.
Now, the dragons were fighting back. For the last decade, there had been open warfare against the dragons. Rijon’s parents had led an army of experienced magicians against the draconian stronghold of Akarada after the first attack on the elven city of Ceta pei Zaliana. No one came back.
Rijon had been six years old at the time. He was taken in by the Red Hand of Revenge, a seasoned elven battalion, stationed to the northeast. The army had trained Rijon in the art of archery, and had nurtured Rijon’s hatred of the dragons. For, as the elves well knew, only those who had a deadly hatred could lead them to victory over the accursed dragons.
So, Rijon trained alongside the elves for the next eleven years. He learned how to survive the harsh northern winters, and he quickly rose in the ranks of archers. By the time he was twelve years old, he had a recorded 113 kills against the dragon army. 113 and rising rapidly.
Most elves continued to live the way they had before the outbreak of war. They hung out with friends, settle down in a nice forest somewhere. Not Rijon. The art of war had consumed all of his days. That is why he found himself shooting at targets in an empty arena in the middle of the night when all other elves on Belirocea were gathering in secret recesses of the land to celebrate Te Nata pei Sokilu. The Day of Discovery. It was on this day, 50 years ago, that the first elves had landed on Belirocea.
But Rijon just continued to practice. He would not let down his people just because he had gone to have fun instead of training.
Rijon heard a blood curdling bellow off somewhere to the far east. (This is a tell and not show by use of the word "heard". Try rewording to something like "A blood curdling scream echoed in the air around him, coming from the far east." I used scream and not bellow because my understanding of the two words is this: scream is a high pitched, agonizing sound whereas bellow is the sound a cow makes when it is upset). It didn’t bother him at all. The dragons were always doing that in the middle of the night, to keep the elves from sleeping. Then the elven magicians would be too tired to effectively cast their spells the next day. By now, most elves had learned to ignore the noise.
The next morning found the Red Hand on the march. They were spearheading a campaign against the captured supply route of Te Sirea Curiat. The Winding Road. Ten elven cities were on this road, under dragon control. Rijon was marching behind a force of 1000 robotic swordsmen. 500 elven archers were trudging behind the bright metal.
Three miles beyond Arlegato, the elven city just to the west of Akarada, the Red Hand was spotted. A dragon bellowed, and several elves fell to the ground, holding their ears in pain. Rijon ignored the screaming elves. He placed an arrow on his bow, and fired in a single moment. The arrow flew into an empty sky, and a dragon suddenly sped by the group. It flew right into the arrow, and fell towards the earth. Rijon sprinted towards the wounded dragon as it tried to limp away. The beast snarled at Rijon, and Rijon unsheathed his sword. He leapt back as the dragon snapped at him, and then he stabbed at the dragon’s mouth. Blood spurted from a slash in the dragon's snout as Rijon danced away from a weak claw thrust. The dragon fell from the effort, and screamed in agony as the arrow slid deeper into its stomach.
The dragon moaned in pain as it stared into Rijon’s cold unfeeling eyes. Rijon snarled and raised his sword. The metal flashed under Rijon’s pale arms, and the dragon’s last scream was cut short.

Masia Duale thundered down a strip of weather worn rock. She felt her best friend’s presence right beside her. A cliff was speeding towards her, but Masia wasn’t worried at all.
With a mighty roar of delight, Masia leapt off of the cliff’s edge, and plummeted towards the valley floor, 4,000 feet below. When she was just 50 feet from the hard ground, the 30 year old dragon spread out her wings, and glided around a large clump of trees. She floated westwards, enjoying the feel of the wind blasting around her body.
40 year old Wyrsalin Telanir followed his lifelong friend around the large canyon, seeking refuge in her ever comforting presence. He was silent as usual. The dragon hadn’t spoken a single word to anyone since the death of his brother, 20 years ago.
Masia understood his sorrow, and she let him mourn as he wished, even as she gently comforted her grieving friend. All of the other dragons just pestered Wyrsalin, and increased his misery. But Masia just left Wyrsalin to himself. And as a result, Wyrsalin was greatly comforted by Masia’s kind words and soft voice. She could soothe him like no one else could.
Wyrsalin couldn’t stand to be away from Masia. So, whenever Masia’s inner bird yearned for the freedom of falling off a mountain, Wyrsalin was always right there beside her.
Masia couldn’t help herself. Her effervescent personality constantly shedded off of her, and into all who were around. Everyone who met her claimed to have seen an angel. Even the dreaded elves had stories of a dragon unlike all others. A dragon who was gentle, and friendly towards all creatures of Belirocea.

Rijon had heard the stories about Masia, but he didn’t care about how gentle the dragon was. The dragons had killed his family and, angel or not, they would all pay for the murders. Anyways, Rijon had just held off a dragon attack on the elves. He was exhausted, and still, the elves plodded on.
They finally stopped for the night on the western bank of Te Arylo pei Zaliana. The River of Tears. It was here that the dragons had ambushed the elves at the start of war, and it was here that 5,000 elves died.
That night, the elven ranks were replenished with 50,000 fresh warriors of the group Te Orapi Dusalei. They were all seasoned warriors, from the marshland war in the south. With their help, the new masters of Ceta pei Zaliana would be decided.
Early the next morning, Rijon scarfed down his rations of laerisa and saliono. Laerisa was a flat bread, brittle, yet also a little soft. It was the base of all elvish meals, and easy to bake. Saliono, on the other hand, was a special treat. It was a sweet, yet also tart, piece of fruit, which grew only to the east of Te Arylo pei Zaliana. It had an indigo peel that needed to be removed before it was eaten, and the juice tasted like the Emperor's paridise in a drink. To wash it all down, Rijon drank a cup of ralise. This was a bitter liquid, which was usually sweetened with honey.( you are telling and not showing in this paragraph. Try doing something like this instead "He scarfed down the brittle bread the elves called Laerisa which is the base of all elvish meals" wording it like that presents a sense of realism which the reader likes because they then feel like they are in the book and not just reading it. I also want to point out that "brittle" and "soft" are opposites of each other, so they cannot be used to describe the same thing. It creates a conflict which doesn't make sense. And also this line "He took several bitter gulps of ralise which had the remaining attempts of honey to sweeten it." Once again, worded this way shows the reader and not telling them.
After his meal, Rijon went to the armory, and took a bow and a sword. He didn’t bother suiting up in his armor, because he knew the metal would be a death trap in a fire. And there would be plenty of fire in this fight. The tall elf knew better than to dress up in an oven when he might burn.
Then the command was finally given. Silently, 65,000 elves glided across a wooden bridge constructed in the night. They approached the village, and a signal was given.
Inside the city, a young elf, no older than nine, crept carefully around a sleeping dragon. The elf attempted to step over a board he knew creaked loudly, and when his foot landed, the floor gave a long groan. The elf froze as the guard stirred. The dragon yawned widely, and fell back to sleep.
After a minute, the elf continued warily towards a log lever. He slowly and silently pulled the lever down, and the city’s gate slid into a trench below it. The elves swarmed into the city, and silently set about murdering all of the sleeping dragons.

Rijon shot a dragon in the throat, and ran into a house built by his people. He entered a bedroom, and found an elf in it, lying so still that Rijon began to think she was dead. Cautiously, Rijon reached for the elf, and a voice behind him snarled, “Don’t you dare.”

Masia sleepily opened her eyes. Two elves were slithering towards her, with swords in their hands. Masia bolted upright, but it was too late for her to do anything.
With an ear-splitting bellow of anger, Wyrsalin flew upon the elves, his claws tearing them to pieces.
Masia stared in shock. It wasn’t the violence that affected her. No, it was something far greater. Wyrsalin had spoken again. Masia stood frozen, remembering the sweet ring of Wyrsalin’s voice as if from a dream. If she would have to go home to Ledar again, Masia knew she wouldn't care, as long as she died listening to Wysalin’s voice.

“Who are you?” The elf demanded.
“My name is Rijon Dragonslayer. I’m he-”
“Dragonslayer?” The elf bellowed. The silver knife in her hand began digging into Rijon’s flesh. “The dragons of Ceta Halina are peaceful!”
“Ceta Halina? I’ve never heard of this Happy City.”
“You’re standing in it,” the elf growled.
“No. You are mistaken. This is Te Ceta pei Zaliana.” Rijon said.
“The City of Tears? Ki Tesa Ledar!” The elf cried.
“Of course! You should know of the massacre here in the early days of war. All of those dead elves who fell from here to the river!” Rijon exclaimed.
The elf suddenly spun around, and headed for a window. She opened it, and climbed out onto a ladder outside. Rijon went to the window and gasped in terror.
The elf was heading for two wide awake dragons!

Barasila ran to the two dragons.
“Masia!” she yelled.
“Barasila?” The dragon said, surprised.
Barasila slowed as she neared her friends. She noticed Wyrsalin’s bloody claws.
“Ki Tesa Ledar!” She exclaimed, speaking in the dragons’ language. “What happened?”
“We were attacked by a couple of elves.”
Barasila jumped at the unfamiliar voice.
“Wyrsalin?” She gasped.
“No!” Someone yelled.
Barasila whirled around, and saw the stranger fire an arrow from her window.
“Siate!” Barasila shouted.
The arrow froze in mid-flight, and Barasila released the spell. The arrow fell to the street with a clatter. Barasila threw her knife at the elf with deadly accuracy. It sliced through the wooden bow, and Barasila once again barked out, “Siate!” The knife froze less than an inch from the elf’s neck.
As with the arrow, the knife fell when Barasila released the spell. Rijon leapt out of the window, and grabbed the ladder while he was five feet above the street. He dropped again, and ran at the dragons, drawing his sword.
Once again, Barasila yawned, “Siate!”
Rijon tried to strike at the dragons who were slowly walking towards him.
“Adalante!” Barasila snapped.
Rijon’s sword suddenly shattered, and he flinched. Barasila drew breath for another spell, and Masia said, “No Barasila. He is terrified. Leave him alone.”
Barasila let the spell die unspoken. She turned towards the two dragons as Rijon regained control of his motion. Wyrsalin strode past Barasila, and stopped in front of Rijon. The elf stared back with terrified eyes. Wyrsalin knew that look. It spoke of unimaginable pain. With a soft sigh, Wyrsalin sent a spell that would allow the elf to sleep free of thoughts.
Then, Wyrsalin turned to Masia.
“Masia, it’s time to go. The elves will be here soon, and then we will never survive,” he said.
“What? You’re leaving?” Barasila cried.
“You need to stay here Barasila. Watch over this elf. I sense that he will play an important part in our victory,” Masia said.
“He is a sad creature. He has been through a lot of pain. Help him and teach him the ways of the dragons,” Wyrsalin said gently.
The two dragons flew off into the morning skies, leaving Barasila to drag Rijon’s sleeping body into her house.


You have a lot of information here which honestly could and should go on for several pages, maybe fifty. You have a lot happening and it is all crammed into a couple of pages which makes it sound rushed and makes it a little confusing. You've got to spend time connecting your readers to your characters and their events so it can sound interesting and realistic. I read a book once where I was hoping the hero of the story would die because the reader went on an emotional journey and forgot to take the reader with her. Oober fail on the authors part for not connecting me to the hero emotionally.

Second, like I have mentioned, showing and not telling is huge in writing. It makes or breaks writing. I had entered a contest once where we had 500 words to describe an event solely using one of the 6 senses. I picked touch. I describe an entire event using only touching words. This contest was an exercise in showing and not telling. It is in my portfolio in a folder labeled "contests". I invite you to read it so you can see the difference when a story is shown instead of told. It is only 500 words. I won the contest, by the way.

Take or leave my suggestions. At any rate, thanks for the read. I love teaching what I have learned in writing.


Write On
Evermore


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of A Revolution  
Review by JMRobison
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am not a poem writer myself, so when I critique poems I go off of my first impressions.

I loved the meaning behind it and I totaly believe everything that you mentioned in the poem. The poem was clear and easy to read and understand. It flowed nicely.

I have no bad comments. Overall I thought it was amazing. Thanks for the read!

Write On

{bitem: 1930408}


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by JMRobison
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Here are my thoughts on it...

To increase the reader's interst, I suggest using more varieties of the word "colour". You use it three times and it feels old even after the second use since it is still pretty close to the first use of it. Try using instead "hue, shape, tone, paint... etc" to substitute at least one of the uses of the word colour. It creates more variety and more variety means more interest for the reader.

Also, I'm not sure where this passage is placed in the manuscript you are writing, but just going off of face value, I finished it a little confused as to what is going on. She sees a lot of colours, feels sick to her stomach, and then windows start bursting. It was pretty gripping how you described it all, but I was left wondering what was actually happening. Again, if this is just a small piece of the bigger picture, then it works fine. If not, I suggest enlightening the reader a little more with what is going on, otherwise it appears a lot of craziness is happening for no reason.

I wanted to coment on this line, "twined through the blue, looking like silk ribbons." It sounds good, though I feel it could be made better by taking out the word "looking" and rewording it. I've learned through my writing experience that using phrases like, "looked like, felt like, sounded like... ect" takes away from creating a realistic feeling for the reader, kind of like you yourself are not totally convinced of what it looks like, feels like, or sounds like. This is just me, however, if that makes sense.

Use or discard my suggestions as you please. Thanks for the read. Write on!
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Review by JMRobison
Rated: E | (5.0)
Only had time to read the first chapter, but I am impressed. I've read so many books were I've dontated them to the library because they are not worthy to remain on my book shelf due to poor writing style and it is a wonder to me how wonderful writing like yours isn't yet published. Good descriptions. I had a clear picture of everything you were showing me. Thanks for the read (though brief I had!) Write on.
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Review by JMRobison
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very good. It is an enjoyable read and the smooth dialogue makes everything flow nicely so it is also an easy read.

I had a clear picture of what everything was and it has enough intrigue to make the reader want more.

The characters are in such a way that I care about them. I believe that in order to have a good story, the reader must care what happens to characters, and for that to happen they have to seem and appear like they really do exist somewhere out there. This is certainly better than a published book I just read. The author went on an emotional journey with her characters and forgot to take the reader with her. So by the end of the book, the antagonist was plotting to poison the heroine, and I was like, "Poison her! Poison her." Oober fail on the author's part.

I have no comments on how to make it better because I like it just how it is. Good work. Thanks for the read. Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of The Bitten  
Review by JMRobison
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
My first impression is it is beautifully written! My last review I did was for someone that had half paragraph long sentences so it is a pleasant relief to read something that flows this smoothly. I found the last part to be especially hooking. Good description and especially good action. I saw what was happening.

This sentence I copied below did sound a bit strange, however : "A dim street light flickered, lighting one side of the deserted street." It sounds strange because you use the word "street" twice in the same sentence which is repetitive and disrupts the flow. Try using a different word for the second street, like road. Or re-phrase the sentence to something like, "One side of the deserted street was dimly lite by a flickering overhead lamp."

These are just ideas, so take them or leave them. Thanks for the read. Write on!

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Review of Ruby's Rage  
Review by JMRobison
In affiliation with  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello, I am Nevercease and I've chosen your entry as my second review. Following the review guidelines, I've posted at least six paragraphs which I either enjoyed or which I have made suggestions.

To start, I liked the surprise ending. I thought it was really cool :)

The first thing I would like to comment on is this line, ...and three young men in their mid-twenties baled out. The windows rolled down and the thumping of the drums and upbeat electric guitars boomed out. I mention it because it sounds like they all got out of the vehicle and then rolled the windows down due to your use of the words, "baled out". Also, I sense that the word baled means to get out of something rather quickly, but when I looked it up the definition for bale does not mean what it is used for in the entry, unless I missed that definition and if so, then I am wrong and please disregard.

Second, as per the guidelines for the entry, the scene must be written in third person limited narrative. I've copied the following from Long Musings on Short Stories, In third person limited, the author selects one character to provide the point of view. The author can reveal directly only what that character knows, senses, feels and thinks. The point of view is thus "limited" to that single character--at least for the duration of each scene. The emotional state of other characters, or what they know or feel, must be implied through their words and deeds. The reader infers these things in a holistic fashion, along with the point-of-view character, in the same way we learn such things in real life I mention this because as the boys get out of their SUV, they carry on a conversation before they even reach the seven eleven doors. If the third person limited narrative is to be followed, then everything happens only as Ruby sees and hears it, and if they are still outside when they speak then Ruby should not be able to hear them. My suggestion is to follow this third person limited narrative and have the reader see and hear everything through Ruby's head. Otherwise a portion of the scene is described through the Omniscient Narrator. I've copied this from Long Musings on a Short Story as well, It's certainly true that the omniscient narrator, who stands outside the story, knowing what all the characters sense and think, has a long literary tradition. However, this approach has all but disappeared from modern fiction. Today, about 30% of all fiction uses a first person narrator. The overwhelming majority of the rest uses third person limited. While this is a stylistic fashion, the reasons it has come to dominate fiction are founded on sound principles and long experience. The idea is to immerse the readers in this one character's head and thus to engage the readers' imaginations in an immediate and intimate fashion. The author leads the readers through a fictional dream via the point-of-view character. I'm sorry if this is a lot of information. I'm learning to better my writing and I do so by teaching others what I have learned along the way.

Thirdly, this line, “Hey Tommy, how about some money, I bought the last twelve-pack.” The sentence feels as if there should be a question mark after the word "money" so it would read, "Hey Tommy, how about some Money? I bought the last twelve-pack."

Fourth, you use the word, "said" several times. My suggestion is to be more showing for the reader and insert something more active. Such as this line, “We heard you, Mamacita. Don’t get your panties in a bunch," said Jake. "I’ll just have my maid come over. I ‘m sure your mama won’t mind a little overtime." I feel this sentence could be brought more to a sense of realism if something like this happened, "We heard you, Mamacita. Don't get your panties in a bunch." Jake slid his eyes up and down her body. "I'll just have my maid come over. I'm sure your mama won't mind a little overtime." For example. It shows more than tells the reader more about Jake.

Fifth, I had a clear picture of Tasha the moment she entered the door. She also had a distinct way of speaking which was different than everyone else's, which made her different. If characters all sounded and acted the same, I feel it would be a very dry story. So good job with Tasha.

Finally, I liked this line, Ruby pulled the yellow sign off the side of the bucket and flipped it out. “Watch it guys, the floor is wet.” They trudged right through the middle of where she had just mopped, leaving dirty footprints. “Excuse me, gentlemen. Please be careful, the floor is wet.” I can actually see her putting the yellow, Caution, Wet Floor sign up and see the dirty footprints they created.

My suggestions are for your taking or leaving. I was trying to find what the judges might find as we are all going to be rated on their rules. Overall, good job. Keep writing.*Cool*


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Review of A Day of Darkness  
Review by JMRobison
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hello fellow writer,

Intriguing story line. I really liked how you described what actually happens when someone transitions from one body to another. A lot of times that is overlooked and writers write that they simply morphed without describing how it is done. I also liked how you mentioned that if they stayed in one body for too long, it became harder and harder for them to morph into other forms. If morphing from one body to another were really possible, then it is very logical to think that it would be harder to morph if you only stayed in one body for too long. It makes the story also sound realistic.

Now for some suggestions...

Near the beginning, you called Anima a street level boss. I don't know what a street level boss is so maybe some clarification on what that means?

During the part where Dagur is ripping Anima's chest wide open, you wrote, "Anima was still conscious and moaning with pain." Moaning with pain doesn't seem like the right reaction for someone who is having their chest ripped wide open. Screaming with maddening agony may sound more realistic.

Dialogue sounded a little repetitive in the areas where you used, "he said," or "he replied," several times after someone was finished speaking.
There are many ways to say the word "said" without actually saying it. Most times you don't even need to say, "he said." Sometimes you can omit that entirely and simply insert an action as to what the character is doing. I invite you to read a small portion of chapter one from the story "Darja" from a fellow writer that I read. The story can be found by typing "Darja" into the search bar. Reading this really showed me how powerful dialogue can be made and I think she does it very well.

Having the format of the story blocked into several solid paragraphs made it difficult to read because dialogue became jammed and was hard to know which person was saying what. A suggestions is to create a new line with every dialogue, such as,
“I’ve talked Anima into a meeting tomorrow” said the contact.
“Good. Now where will this meeting take place?”
The contact replied “You will go to the square east of here and look for a man wearing a red hat. When you see him ask him ‘does the crow fly north?’ He will then escort you to the meeting place.”
In the block paragraph format, I had to read this line a couple of times to determine who was actually speaking since they are all side by side.

These are simply my thoughts. Use them or trash them if you like. Thanks for the read. I really enjoy reviewing other writers' works.
63
63
Review by JMRobison
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Intriguing story idea. However, it rushed too quickly. There was a war going on and a fight with an evil demon and it was all mentioned in about a page and a half. Slow down a bit and spend some time describing what's going on, also putting some emotion into Dalian so the reader knows what he is feeling and thinking as he confronts Tol'Amen. I liked how Tol' Amen used the souls of people around him to appear. That is very original :)

I would have liked to have seen the battle scene between Dalian and Tol' Amen talked about a little longer with some more detail, otherwise it feels rushed and it's over before the reader can grasp what is going on.

This sentence sounds repetitive, "His skin was a light shade of blue and his hair was scraggly and dark blue." The second color blue is used too soon, which sounds repetitive. Consider spreading it out and spending some more time describing what he looks like.
Thanks for the read!
64
64
Review by JMRobison
Rated: E | (3.0)
There was a lack of punctuation which made it difficult to follow along. Three sentences with three different thoughts were thrown together in one very long sentence due to lack of periods and/or commas. The idea of the story is intriguing. However, the part where she ran out the door from her uncle to where the bandits found her happened in a paragraph and a half. One thing I've learned writing myself is to SSSLLLLLOOOOOOWWWWWW down. If you rush the scene, the reader of your story will not be able to emotionally connect with the character, and if there is no emotion connection with the character the reader will not care whether the character lives or dies and may put the story down because it does not ruffle their emotions.

I like a good book where it forces me to care for the character, and if the character so much as stubs their toe I get upset that they got hurt. People want to feel what they are reading is alive and real, so characters must be alive and real as well. So a suggestion would be to slow down and take time. Emphasis that she runs to the stables, saddles the horse and runs from the city. Describe the ambush scene with the bandits as well. It rushed too quickly and I couldn't get a feel for what was going on. Same with the marriage. Something that life changing for Kenna should probably take more than two pages. How did she really feel? Is the king okay with having his son marry a commoner girl with no royalty? If so, that's okay, just describe it to the reader so they understand. Personally I was shocked that the marriage was announced because my first thought is typically royals marry a royal bloodline. But not all the time, so you just might want to describe it to the reader so they understand.

I thought it was a little strange that the entire kings army and all of his sons and the king were in the desert. That's okay but again you'll want to explain to the reader why they are out there. Training? Fighting? Going for a long walk? And how did Kenna call them over? Is she a mind reader? This is probably a secret in the story you'd like to keep, but the reader needs to be enlightened a little more than just she called out to them in her mind and they heard and came rushing over.

There's a lot of information here that was crammed into a couple of pages. My suggestion is to concentrate on expressing the character's emotions so the reader will care more about them, and also to slow everything down. Take time to explain everything. Slow down a bit and allow the reader to grasp what is going on with that situation before you move onto the the next one. All of this information could have reasonably been stretched out to 30 or so pages due to the nature of the ambush and the marriage.

Good story though. I'd like to read more chapters. Also, I've posted a chapter myself. It is the LOST GODS if you'd like to read it.
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