Hi,
I found this on the newbie page. I think it's a great story but it's not polished enough-yet. So I'll have to give a rating that reflects more work needs to be done (I'll gladly re-rate a revised version).
Specific in-line review & comments;
The Disturbance
My name is Alana. I came to South Korea to be with my husband whom is in the Army. I have been here for 5 five months. I have been living in my apartment for over four months. About two and a half months ago I started getting the icy fel}eling like I was being watched. This went on with no happenings until last night. My husband is training in the field. I am all alone in the house, just like any other night I got changed, went into bed and called my husband. I got to sleep around 12:30am.
I slept for about two hours when I started having a dream that I have had before. But instead of what normally happened in the dream, an unknown force was on my back with two handfulls of my hair, holding me down. I woke up to find that my head where, in my dream, this force had my hair. [meaning unclear-rephrase/ I blew it off thinking it was my imagination. I fell back asleep a short time later. The dream resumed where it had left off. This happened one more time before I decided to just stay awake. It was about 5:00 in the morning, I am not exactly sure. I heard a Korean man's voice talking, it was very deep, I could not make out any words that I know. It sounded as if he were hissing the words. By this time I was already terrified. I heard knocking, and my chairs being scooted around. This went on for about an hour. Then it started scratching my walls. It started soft and short at first, I ignored it until it got harder and louder increasing a lot every} time.
Finally I could not take it any more period? it felt like my heart was going to burst, it was beating so hard. I got up and turned on all the lights in the house. It stopped. I got dressed and looked around to find all my chairs moved, little things moved, and then I saw the scratch marks on the wall. I knew something was in our house, but I did not know what. My husband has told me about a man that lived in the house, before us. He has seen him before, too.
One night, I had the feeling that someone was literally right beside me everywhere I went. I felt like someone was watching me. It was about nine o' clock and it was time for bed. The Guest room was about four or five steps away from my room. I was getting into bed and I heard this creaking from our attic. It is right beside my bed on the floor. I was not sure what it was and I was getting pretty freaked out.
Then, something on my wall was jingling around as if something was blowing it. The thing is that there were no windows open and no fans on. There always was not any air conditioning or heater on. I started getting under my comforter, because I was starting [avoid duplication] to getting cold.
All of a sudden, I heard the guest room door open and shut and someone was walking downstairs. The guest room door makes a loud bang when it opens and shuts. When you walk down the stairs, you can hear each creak on them and then once you get to the bottom step, there is another bang. I scurried out of my bed and ran to the guest bedroom, I looked around and then I went downstairs. The scratch marks were even bigger this time. I was freaked out and I ran back to my room and hurried to sleep.
We had one guest who had a terrifying experience in our home. He was my nephew, Mason and he was 12 twelve, he stayed at my apartment for a week. One day he complained that a man dressed in black came to him the night before as he was sleeping , and the man was trying to strangle him. tThis had me in a shock, because iI knew the house was haunted. That night, iI heard some body screaming in the guest room. I ran into the room, and found my nephew, laying on the bed screaming at the ceiling. I looked up and their was a large clunk of long black hair coming from out of the ceiling. Two pale greenish hands, covered in blood pushed their way out of the hair, followed by a pale face. It's eyes had no Irises, or pupils. they were just plain white. I screamed, grabbed my nephew, put him over my shoulders and carried him down the stairs.
the next day, iI went to the local library and researched on what happened at my apartment to cause all of these violent paranormal, experiences. I went to gGoogle, and then I typed up The name of my apartment. "Copper Pond Apartments: Apartment #11" and twelve different sites pulled up. One site was called Korean Hauntings.com. So I checked out that site and iI discovered that a 14 fourteen year old kKorean girl named Akahana Kuwak was murdered by in that apartment. She had long black hair, and had squinted green eyes. Her father killed her, her father was a large man, that alwasys dressed in black. I also found out that anyone that goes inside the apartment will be killed by Akahana's ghost.
It was the last day i was spending at that apartment. It was tThursday. Mason was still with me. I had everything packed up and ready to go. but iI still wanted to know a little more. So me and Mason walked up the stairs. When iI was on the last step, it felt like something cold was pressing up against my back. It felt like hair. Then we went into the guest room. We looked around to see if there was any evidence. No. So we went into the attic. There lay two corpses. A little girl woith long black hair and her father dressed in black with stains of blood on his shirt. Then it came to me. It felt like, a flashback. Only it wasn't mine. The little girl, had come to tell her dad some bad news. Her mother had secretly divorced him and moved away. He was angry. He told her to walk down the stairway until you got to the last step. So she did. She stood on the last step, waiting. He came running down the stairs with a knife. he stabbed her in her chest. He then grabbed her by her hair. hHe threw her on the floor. Then he grabbed her hair again and pulled her into the attic. He sat down beside her body, and stabbed himself. Then it all came back to me. The present.
Mason and I rushed down the stairs. As soon as we got to the last step, we heard a door open and close. Then we heard crackling noises. We stepped away from the staircase and looked up at the landing. We saw a pale foot, covered in blood. As soon as Mason saw the foot, he collapsed on the ground. so iI fell down and tried to pull him towards the door, but he was too heavy. The pale girl wearing a long white dress started down the stairway. Walking in a creepy wasy as if she had two left feet. Her hair covered her face. I pulled Mason, he was so heavy, but I could pull him. I couldn't pull him far. The girl, who was now on the last step, collapsed. I left mMason on the floor and got up. I slowly walked over to the girl. oOnce iI was right in front of her, she stood up in front of me. Her hair covered her face. She grabbed both of my hands. Then she shook her hair off of her face. Her face was wrinkled and gray. Her eyes were plain white. She looked at me seriously. Then everything was blurry.
The next thing iI know, iI was in an ambulance. The ambulance was parked, in the parking lot of a kKorean hospital. There was no one in the parking lot. Suddenly I felt a change of weather. I looked out of the window of the ambulance, and iI was at my apartments. I tried to open the door, but it was locked from the outside. Suddnely }Suddenly iI saw a family. Three people. They were Korean. The father was dressed in a black, heavy jacket, the mother had on a white T-shirt, and had her long black hair tied up in a pony tail. The the mother turned around a looked at her daughter. She was a little girl. She had long black hair. She was holding a stuffed animal in her hands. Her mother and father walked into the house. She waited a couple of seconds, then followed behind. Then when she was at the door she turned and looked at the ambulance. She stared straight at me, she waved goodbye at me as she walked into the house. To be continued...
Very good story--it's worth working on it some more
all the best for your writing
love
Nok
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