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Review of In Fear We Stand  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow, now that's a pep-talk.

I really like the names you come up with. Seccair. That's really cool. It works as a stand alone story, although now I want to read Come Back.
I really like the internal dialog, I think it's a good way to build your character in a short amount of time. I also like how knowing what he's fighting for ties into his speech. He wants to get back home to his girl and he knows his men probably want to as well. Sadly many of them wont :( .
I love how you write, you describe everything so well, and this time you did remember the setting. You always have really good twists, simple and strait forward but still surprising and clever.

The demons really work as antagonist in the story. You don't have to get into too much detail for the reader to see that they are going to push the MC to his limits, even though you don't get into that. If you did get into the battle this would have made a really go entry to the last contest.

There are a few technical errors.

"The other knight gave a bitter laugh." Just my opinion on this, because it works, but I've never cared for lines like this. I mean how does one "give" a laugh? maybe just "laughed bitterly". Up to you.

{i]we who will make it so!” not in Italics, got messed up somehow.

"Come and face us." I think this is supposed to be in Italics?


Other than that, this definitely ranks as some of your best work, that I've read so far anyway. I'd wish you good luck but I don't think you need it.



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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
27
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Review of Omen  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Every time I sat down to write this review some one distracted me with some thing they wanted me to do, but now I'm free.

Awesome work, although that seems to be a trend with your stuff.
There are many things I like about this, the whole thing in general of course, but a few specific things too.

I like how "Arther" is a girl in this, a nice twist that I didn't see coming, I like the name too, Artura, how did you come up with that?

I'm not particularly familiar with the story of King Arther, or the many renditions of it, so I don't know exactly who he was before he became king. But I like how Artura is a street smart thief. It would be interesting if there was a little more about her life on the street, I think it would build her character. Of course if you wanted to write more of this then I'm sure you could get into it a bit more.

I especially like what you did with Merlin, I thought the name Arlen sounded familiar, and I figured he had to have used magic to take care of those guys, but I didn't put two and two together until Artura did.

I particularly like the part about tea. I know exactly how she feels about that tea, I once had an amazing cup of tea, it was some sort of chocolate Oolong tea, good stuff.

There are a few things that you could change.

For starters, I'm wondering why Merlin would have a book about himself in his own house. That's kind of weird, but what I don't get is why that book would make Artura think that Arlen was actually Merlin. I think she would have figured out that he was a wizard or whatever, who possibly studied under Merlin but not necessarily that he was Merlin himself. Maybe you could throw something else in there that only Merlin would have. Just a thought.

" And rightly so...And so it was that even as I, Morgan," thats kind of an awkward wording, having to say "and so" twice like that, even if there is a "really" in between.

The only other thing that was a little hard to understand was the very end when the world suddenly vanishes. I was a little confused about exactly what happened. At first i thought she might have passed out, but then it said she was awake. Then I thought that maybe Morgan had some how transported her to wherever he was. Then I realized it must have been some sort of vision. So yeah I little confusing, but I like how you wrap it up, but you also leave the reader with some questions, like how is Artura seeing this guy? I assume he doesn't know about it.

You could definitely write more of this if you like it, you seem to have set it up for more, but its also a good stand alone story since you have pretty much told us what is going to happen.

Oh btw, "Sunny with a chance of Alligators." Haha, yeah that's about right! Actually I don't think I have ever seen a wild alligator somewhere it's not supposed to be, like a neighborhood ditch. But I have seen bunches of them in our little swampy, river things. Haven't had gator tail yet though, but I'm working on it.

Eileen
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Review of Checkmate  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Florida is nice, very hot, it's like walking into a sauna every time I go outside, hot and humid. It's like that pretty much all year round except in the winter when it occasionally likes to have cold spells and gets down to 30 F and night and around 50 F during the day. Yeah I know what you're thinking, "you think that's cold?!?!?!?!?" Well when you are use to 70 to 90 degree weather all year long, then yes, it's cold. We also have the beach which is nice, salty in the water and the air and sand gets in places you didn't know you had, but it's a nice place to cool off and sit around half naked in a bathing suit rubbing lotion all over yourself. We also have Disney and space travel.
What's it like up there in Vancouver? My parents went though there on their way to Alaska for a cruise but I'm sure hearing from a native would be much more informative.

I think this one is my favorite too, beautifully written. Not that I'd know anything about it but I think this could be published. I think I can safely say that because I've read published stuff that sucks compared to this. I commend your ability to handle six characters at once, I have a hard time dealing with three, but I guess this situation demands it.

I think William is my favorite character, and I think you wrote him best out of the five, Michael being the most in depth character because it's from his pov. I like how William is so artistic and attentive to detail, despite what sarge may say, I think the color of the explosion that signals the beginning of the end of such a devastating war is very important. Why was he going with blue, white and green though? It's the color of earth, but its also a color from the flags of each country in north America. Or was it just that those were his favorite colors? He is definitely the comic relief in the gang.

When they were all talking about their families I knew that at least Anderson was dead, but it wasn't until they got to the gun that I realized there was no way they were going to survive, any of them. There were simply too many Hyena, even with the gun taken out an extraction just wasn't practical.

I think the whole situation was kind of stupid on the military's part. Why wouldn't then tell the men it was going to be a suicide mission? Chances are that they would figure it out and that could put the whole mission in jeopardy. I'm on the fence about how this fact contributes to the story. On the one hand, I believe it. The military being run by humans I wouldn't put it past them to not tell the soldiers what they were getting into. It also makes me think that the military tended to make itself, collectively, into a omnipotent sort of entity. That the brass knew that the men wouldn't question the possibility of an extraction in that situation because the brass can make anything happen. At the point in the war that you have portrayed, I think that is a reasonable mind set for the men to have when humanities only hope for survival is the military. That's why I think the situation is believable. On the other hand I think the Brass should have been strait with the squad, because if say Anderson had realized there was probably a good chance that they wouldn't be able to extract them, and he reacted the same way he did when sarge told them, except before they blew up the gun, then that could have been a very big problem. Maybe I'm looking into it too deeply?
If you can guess based on my response, I really like how you did this. It makes for a good twist but it is also very thought provoking. It's an interesting change from the volunteer heroes who know they are going to die. Unwilling and upset though these guys are about the situation they do change the tide of the war, or so you lead us to believe.

I like the news cast in the beginning, its a really clever and succinct way to give us the back story and build the setting, the mission summaries too. I noticed how you set up the whole England alien base when they had a mission to retake Briton.

The dialog is very good, believable, and progressing the story along nicely.

The aliens and their equipment are creative and well described, I like how their heightened senses are actually a disadvantage to them.

I really had to try and find something you could change about this for the better. The only thing that really stood out was the explanation of the name Hyena. You mention that it is because of their appearance, is that it? I would think it would be because of not only that but their behavior as well. I would think these aliens might have a hyena like cackle, or maybe eating habits. You got into that a bit but you didn't connect it in anyway to their animal counterparts eating habits.

Other than that I can't think of anything else, this is an amazing piece of work and you obviously put a lot of effort into it. Awesome job!
Eileen
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Review of What We Wrought  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Beautifully written. Nicely detailed, I almost felt like I was there. The whole story is like a combination of LOTR, Gears of war, and the Avengers. I'm definitely seen a lot of Boromir and Bilbo in Arkaed. Actually I think he might be channeling the whole darn fellowship. Then there's the portal with monsters coming out of it, and then they destroy the whole city. I was a little confused about the setting in the beginning, they were in the dark, and I guess they were in the wizards tower or something? Then next thing I know they are out in the village. Sounds like they got blasted out into the street by the explosion but I'm not really sure. One nit-picky thing, when he's about to rescue the little kid, he whispers a spell. Somehow I can't imagine someone whispering anything in that kind of chaos. Oh I guess one more thing, when he's told to start helping people get out, he wonders what four people can do for thousands, but it's not just four people, the soldiers and guards are there too, which you mention right after that. So it confused me a little, but I guess it works.

One other thing, the lack of back story of the stone also made this a little difficult to understand, like why they wanted the stone, where they heard about it, and what they suspected it would do for them etc. Other than those things really good story, you put a lot of effort into this and it shows, nice work!

Oh and Karen Traviss rocks my socks.

Write on!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I honestly can't say if I like this or not. Reason being that there's not much to like. It looks like an interesting opening to an interesting story but you haven't written anything to really indicate what the story is about. I can see from your portfolio that you are new to this web site, but I can also see that you are new to writing in general. So I'm going to try to give you the best advice I can think of to help you begin to grow as a writer.

First off, I've taken a look at your other pieces, they are a lot like this, short little, experimental type pieces that you wrote just to see what it would be like. That's what I looks like to me at least. I like that, everyone has to start somewhere, and this is where you have started. So now that you are off to a good start, lets talk about where you should go. There are many goals that writers set, most of us want to get published, I know I do, some just like to write for the fun of it. What every your goal may be in order to attain it you must become a better writer, or I suppose if you are just doing it for fun then the consequence of your goal is that you will become a better writer. Since you have posted stuff on this web site, you obviously want feed back to become a better writer.

Alrighty then, lets talk about writing stories. I noticed you have put "chapter 1" at the top of this. That tells me that there will be other chapters, so I would guess you intend for this to be a book. That's a good goal, but I don't think you are ready to write a whole book. If you want to try then by all means, go for it! That's what I did, but don't get discouraged if you don't finish the whole thing, because you probably won't. I have tones of novel attempts I haven't finished, I've actually only ever finished two novels, and the first one I had help with.

I recommend writing some short stories, you could even make this into a short story. The appeal of writing short stories is you can take an idea and write the whole thing out in less than a day. It's rewarding and will help you ease into writing longer stuff. I think this really applies to you because based on what I have seen, you are not adept to writing long stories. Writing is work, you are working you're brain, just like if you go to the gym and lift weights. In the gym you are going to start with lighter equipment and gradually work your way up to heavy stuff. Same thing with writing.

Here is what I recommended doing with this story. You have an idea in your head, this girl moved to this small town where guns in school are a touchy subject, stuff happens and she witnesses something horrible, something that changes who she is. Write it out, write all the events that happen that lead to the main event and then what happens as a result of what the girl sees in the main event. You have a good beginning, it really is. This girl is use to shootings happening, but I bet she has never experienced one. So I would guess that whatever she sees, even if it's not a shooting, really gives her some perspective and by the end of this story she will truly understand why all these students in her new school are so shaken up.

Of course you might have something else in mind and that's cool too, just write it out. In fact I'll tell you what, if you do actually do it, if you write out this whole story, whatever it is about, message me, and I will read it, and gladly help you improve it. But wait there's more, if you are trying to write this, and you are stuck, or just feel over whelmed and need some advice, message me. I find it's always good to have some one to consult and pitch ideas at.

My final piece of advice is two fold. Read and review other people's work. This is not just a pitch to get you to read my stuff, I generally try not to do that as a personal rule but now that I have said it I would appreciate it if you did read my stuff. This is probably something you already know but it is important enough for reiteration. reading O.P.S (other people's stories) will help give you ideas on how to write, reviewing o.p.s will help you realize how much you have learned about writing and cement it into your brain.

For example, when I first joined this site, just a few months ago, I didn't know anything about sense words, as in the five senses. The I got a review telling my I should add some to my writing. Besides what my characters saw, what did they smell, hear? what did something feel like? etc. Well that was some great advice, but applying it was no easy task. I simply wasn't sure how to do it. So when I read o.p.s I looked to see how they had done it. At fist, since I wasn't sure how it should be done, when I came across a story that had used sensory words, I told the writer that I liked how they had done it. Writing it down in a review helped me learn, and then pretty soon I was noticing where o.p.s could use sensory words, and I was able to point it out to them. Whether or not it helped them it sure helped me. So when I wrote my story, Battle Ship Storm, (pitching again :P) I was able to add all kinds of sensory words, smells, sounds, touch, taste, not just sight.

That's whats great about this web site, I am confident that you will learn a great deal here, and I would be glad to help you out. That concludes my review/welcome to the site. Write on! Also here are some GP's to get you started.

Oh wait I should explain why I picked that rating, this is good but it does need a lot of work, you should really write more before I get into that.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Vanquish  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Intriguing. This defiantly has the potential to be something bigger. I hope when you write more of it that you get into the defect a little more. It's interesting that they would have to wait so long to be able to tell her finally that it's permanent. Generally when you are dealing with the brain, most problems are, and they will tell you right off (which you sort of mention). So it makes me wonder if you have a specific problem in mind that applies to this situation. Then again, maybe I have misinterpreted this situation. It sounds like this doctor visit is more to tell her that they have exhausted every possible treatment than to tell her that the defect is permanent.

So basically you might get rid of that whole sentence about it being permanent, and change it to telling her that the last treatment didn't work. Just my opinion though.

short as this piece is, it is very well written. You describe the scene well and the emotions and reactions of the characters are believable. I like how you end it, obviously there is another treatment that they are going to try, but it is going to have some serious risks. This has a lot of potential and I encourage you to keep writing it.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
How creative! I like how you have developed these creatures so well. You describe them well without going over board and though you don't give us their whole history we can imagine the rest. I like how you created the setting, it's obviously in the future but I noticed it could be in the near future as easily as the distant future. The reason being that you describe Prell as an extinct rhino. This could become a reality very soon and so I thought that this story could take place just as soon.

I especially like the names you came up with for the characters. They sound like what creatures such as these would come up with. I also noticed how they are like human like in their presumption that the biggest creature was a female because their females are big. Sounds like something from every alien movie ever made, except that its the aliens making the assumption rather than us puny humans.

I really tried to find something you could improve on but I couldn't, it is well written, creative, original, and thoroughly enjoyable. My only complaint is that there isn't more, very nice work!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Savior  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Sweet, this is a very good poem, I can't see anything you need to fix. The summary after the title (or lack there of) concisely explains what the poem is about. Seems like there might be a deeper message in there but I prefer to think poetry means exactly what it says. In other words not making inferences about the meaning that the author did not intend. As for the title, I can't suggest anything that hasn't already been used because frankly I don't know what has been used already, but if you want to try something unique how about a really long title. Poems like this, in my limited experience, don't usually have titles longer than one or two words. Maybe a title with five or six words, and it doesn't have to be like a sentence. It could be some words you would use to describe the poem. Just my suggestion, keep up the good work!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi! I'm writing this review on behalf of the WDC Power Review Group review raid. This month we are supporting teen writers and the genres children, teen, and YA.

This is a story about a "remarkably unremarkable" young man. Or at least that's what he thinks. It seems to me that the narrator is a little unreliable. Makes me wonder what he is really like if you look at him from an objective stand point. I think the point of this story is that many of us feel this way at one time or another, or maybe all the time. This is a story for a person who sees him or her self that way. I am not one of those people, although I was never the most popular kid, and although I was teased and picked on, I never let it bother me. But this is a person who does not have the personality that I have.

What I liked best about this story is the concept, basically everything I said above. I like how it plays out and how he realizes that he is not just an average kid.

Actually I don't think you ever mentioned whether he is a boy or a girl, but based on the way he was treated by the other kids I'm going to say he's guy.

Some things you could work on.

I don't think you need quotes around "I was no different from anybody else; remarkably unremarkable."

I don't like this "But life was not to be that way. Just as I thought I'd gotten away with something, I got noticed." Its not really clear what he got away with. I can guess its getting away with not being noticed but the something makes it a bit subjective to me.

The physics class seems a little unrealistic actually. Having just taken two physics classes, one with 50 students and the other with 15, not a week went by (four days a week class) that some one didn't point out even the smallest error, and my teachers did it on purpose some times. So I find it hard to believe that this guy could get away with seeing these mistakes for so long without someone blurting them out first. Perhaps that did happen but you don't specify. I don't think its a big deal or anything you need to fix, I just wanted to let you know what I thought about that.

Which brings me to the end. It was a little anti-climactic. it was nice to discover that he was not as unremarkable as he thought but the way you built it up in the beginning I half expected him to survive a catastrophe of some sort. I feel like I'm missing something though.I've been reading this whole section

"I'd always thought so, but then thought it was simply a protective mechanism God gave the pitiable amongst us to help us survive. Pride is not a virtue, but a vice unworthy of being noticed, and purposefully extinguished."

But I just can't quite figure out what you mean by it and but it looks to me to be a key point in the message. I'm just not entirely sure what to make of it.

I really enjoyed this story, Its a nice little piece that brought a smile to my face! especially because I can relate to the college experience.
Write on!

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Ah the lab, I worked in a molecular bio lab last semester. Didn't do any medical stuff but I definitely know the importance of a good sterile technique. Did a lot of Electrophoresis, it was more like a scavenger hunt than murder mystery. Any way this is a good piece, there were a few grammar errors and some of the wording didn't flow very well.

This line "I uncapped the needle and stabbed wildly. My angle of entry was good, everything else was not" was kind of confusing at first because you say you stabbed wildly and then you seem to contradict yourself by saying your angle of entry was good. Then I read that everything else was not and I got it. Yeah kind of confusing.

Nice to see that you were able to pull through, I know exactly how if feels to just not be able to get it and then some one shows you for the umpteenth time and suddenly it clicks! I had to give a cat insulin shots once, it looked so simple when the owner did it but when I had that needle in my hand I just couldn't believe I was going to stick it in that cat, it was a weird feeling.

The best thing about this piece is that you are writing about what you know, its confident and well thought out because you know what you are doing. I especially like the description of blood squirting out of other holes in the fake arms. The whole piece is witty and clever as well as informative, keep it up, I'd be interested to read what you have to say about Electrophoresis.

Also I love your birdy. So pretty and cute!

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Review of The Novelist  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I love this! I use to write with pen and paper. I actually wrote the book I'm working on getting typed up now on the left over paper from school note books. It's messy, and full of cross outs and doodles and the most atrocious hand writing you could ever find but I loved writing it. I could bring it any where, unlike my computer. There are tons of notes in the margins and I even made special spaces for my sister to write her thoughts as she read it. This poem had made me come to a realization, that I actually write better on paper! Typing it up is a pain but it's a great editing opportunity.

Anyway enough about me, I just can't express how delighted I am with this poem! I like how neatly you outline the progression of a story, really puts writing into perspective. I especially like the image of sitting at a desk drinking tea (or coffee but I like tea better) and just writing! I don't know if there is a name for it but I also like how you end it with the beginning line. That about sums it up; eat, sleep, write, not necessarily in that order. So in conclusion, I love this poem!

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Review of A dream  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I like it, I especially like how it rhymes and flows smoothly. I don't like that modern style that just seems to be a bunch of words describing something with no pattern, no rhythm. Writing a poem that rhymes and flows takes more thought, which I admire. I'm not a big poetry person so there is really nothing I can see that you should change. The only critique I can make is that I had to read it a couple times to get the rhythm right. Also I don't see the correlation between the title and the poem. Maybe come up with something else? Other than that, this is a really good poem. Keep writing beautiful little pieces like this and you will be a champion of rhyme lovers everywhere!

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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting,

What I liked: this is a good start, you introduce your first main character and do a good job developing her. Makes me wonder what is so special about Jon that she loves him so much. Even though we haven't met Jon you still manage to develop his character as well. He seems like the kind of guy who love's her so much will do whatever he has to for her. He also loves his dog, that's just plain cute! The story flows nicely and makes sense and the dialogue is believable.

What you need to fix: Its a little wordy in the beginning, by that I mean you use a lot of unnecessary words making it a bit repetitive. for example at the end of the first paragraph "so they could spend the rest of their time together instead of apart." you don't need to say "instead of apart." its kind of redundant and obvious. Some parts are awkwardly put like "Navy always came before the needs of her", you could just say "her needs" there.
There were little things like that through out the story. You also didn't really describe the dog, unless I missed it somehow. All I got was that its a think haired, big dog, but you don't say what breed it is or what color.

All this really needs is a good polish and perhaps a little more incentive for the reader to keep reading, I didn't really see any foreshadowing of the conflict to come. In my reading experience a prologue is the hook, makes the reader want to know whats going on. This piece had more of a first chapter feeling to me. This is just my opinion of course, I hope you find it help full. Keep up the good work!

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Review of Memory Lapse  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
HA! I LOVE IT! There really wasn't anything I could find wrong with this story because I was enjoying it too much! There were some things in the beginning that I didn't really like. The main thing being that "Law" about not torturing prisoners. All's fair in love and war and all that, but even if both sides agreed to such a law that doesn't mean they are above breaking it, then we find out later that is in fact the case. Considering he seemed so concerned about it I found it was kind of odd that he didn't think about how they were breaking it when she said "whip him". Seems like he would.

I think my favorite part was the paragraph where he admits that he's not the smartest but that he has done more than people more gifted then him. I liked this part because it made him a believable and relateable character. The fact that he wasn't a macho, deep, guy with a hero complex made this a very refreshing read. He may not be very smart but at least he's so, I would say impressionable, that he can remember that one most important thing. I say impressionable because he probably would have cracked it his boss hadn't put a gun to his head.

Thanks for a great read!

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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting, I like the concept and this is a good start. Its a little cliché, girl in a society that does arranged marriages and doesn't want to gets engaged to the guy she can't stand. Saw that coming a mile a way. Kind of takes away from the story for me. The fact that she doesn't make it to 10 months I also saw coming but that's the main part of the story and you obviously want the reader to see it coming. One thing I was wondering was how old she is. I don't think you stated it, or maybe I missed it?

One of the major things that I didn't like is that its repetitive. You use the word 'matter' way too much, and combinations of matter with other words like a "choice" and "say" in the "matter".

The sixth paragraph the one beginning with "On Theta 5, marriages were still arranged by the parents," Is redundant. You already explained the first sentence in the paragraph before and the rest is really a long drawn out explanation for something that if very simple and already pretty obvious. Its enough to say "The children had little to no choice in the matter". The rest is kind of irrelevant.

I like this story, it just needs a little polishing. Keep it up!

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Review of Taxi  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
This is pretty good as far as the story goes, didn't see that coming which is great, but there are a few things that could be fixed.

First, you need to reread the whole thing, maybe out loud, because there are a lot of mistakes. For one the story is in past tense but on several occasions you switch to present tense. For example "could never, even in my worst nightmares, imagine that such rainy days will come" Should be "would come". Its worded strangely in some places as well.

For example "I wanted to analyze his look if it wasn’t for the gun he was pointing at me." That just doesn't make much sense.

Neither does this one "I didn’t know to thank him for saving me from the storm or fear from the gun in his hand or laugh at his stupid fake British accent."

I recommend reading some other peoples work and comparing your own to it.

Another thing that got me was that in the beginning you said the guy with the gun is a teen, but as the story progresses its like you start writing him as an adult. If he is in fact a teen then he shouldn't say " No lad please. It’s on me…Have a good shopping”, he wouldn't call a man that is older than him lad, or even a guy his age.

So like I said, good story. Life is good when you think you're going to die but then you find out you're not, I like that. Just keep writing and reading and rewriting.

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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting, It's a bit cliche, I don't think this is the best excerpt to use to get people to read your book when it comes out. Well maybe tweenage girls, which I would guess by the main character's personality is your target audience. Personally I don't think this would be something I would be interested in reading because I have never been into that crazy guy obsessed kind of story, but thats ok because I know a gaggle of tweens that would eat this stuff up. The reason I don't think this is a good excerpt is because it's too vague. I know their is magic and I know they are at school and I know she is smitten for him but that's about it. There's just so little revealed that I wasn't particularly intrigued enough to want to read more. I would suggest going through your book and finding a part with more conflict in it. Something that makes the reader really want to know what happens. Like I said this isn't really my cup of tea but that's exactly why you should think about using another part, to get people who might not really like it interested. Other than that I thought it was pretty good, keep it up.

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Review of Summertime  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
YES! summer is the best! Lying on the beach for hours and hours, with plenty of sunblock if you're as pale as me ;). My favorite line is the 5th, I love that tropical feeling! This made me think of all the great things of summer but the Heat! I could live without that, unless I'm at the beach or a pool. Not sure I like the line about attracting the heat like magnets to be honest, doesn't really rhyme with sunsets, on that note north doesn't really rhyme with earth, kind of takes way from it for me. That's ok though, its still a great poem! Keep it up!

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Review of The sea  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I know how you feel, I live on the coast so I visit the sea as often as I can. I don't have rocks at my beaches though, except flat ones in the water that tear up your feet if your not careful. My favorite stanza is the first,

I love the feel of salt air on my skin and in my hair. I think the second is my second favorite and so on in that order. I have been known to lie down on the bare sand because I love the feel so much but there is nothing like the feel of it between my toes!

Like I said my beaches don't really have rocks but the roar of the ocean drowns out all the sound of traffic. I never thought of it as empowering, I think of the third stanza every time I hear it now. Finally I know exactly what you mean, there is nothing quite as beautiful as the sea.

This is a beautiful poem I wish everyone could see how true this is. Keep writing!

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Review of Views of A Flower  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I was clicking through the random reads when this poem caught my eye. I noticed it because the first word is daffodils and my sister has the most adorable bunny names daffodil. I thought it was just about flowers then when I got to the end I realized it was about life. I can see how each flower represents a part of life. I like how you used daffodils to represent childhood, I assume that was your intention. They are so carefree and lets face it, its just fun to say! Of course posies for young women and men who are dating and eventually live their lives together. Roses on the grave for the death of the lovers. This part I was not sure about. At first I thought it was about the two lovers lying in the ground together. Then I realized you must have meant one of them died and the other put the roses there. Nice little poem, keep writing!

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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Aww, I love horses! I've never had my own but this poem reminds me of the few horses I have special relationships with! I like the brumby breed and how you portrayed them in this poem, trainable yet still free spirited. The rhythm of this poem reminds me of the beat of horse hooves. My favorite stanza is the fourth. It reminds me of a time when I was riding out in the woods and one of the horses through her rider. The horse ran off and mine galloped off after her. It was the first time I had ever rode at a gallop and I was sure my horse was going to toss me but he just looked back at me like "don't worry I'm not going to drop you." Its a feeling like no other the know you are safe on the back of such a large animal that people who don't ride just can't understand, but I think your poem gives them a good idea. This is a wonderful poem, you really captured to free and independent spirit of the horse but also the unique bond that horses and humans are able to share. I hope you keep writing beautiful works like this!

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Review of High Stakes  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Cool! Very nice use of the prompt. I've always liked mob stories and have had a few ideas for one myself but I never thought I could pull it off. You have though, in 300 words you have constructed a whole picture. Marcus is part of a mob/gang but is also secretly working for the good guys. I would guess this micky guy was his friend. Or maybe they were friends growing up turned enemies by the paths life took them down and then briefly became friends when they realized they were on the same team. That's what I like to see in short pieces like this, providing enough material for the reader to use their imagination to figure out the rest. Great Job! Keep it up!

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Review of The Empire Black  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm not really sure what it is this possible novel is supposed to be about. It is very well written and thought provoking but it doesn't give any real insight to what its about. I suggest writing some more of the story line you have in mind, then I and other readers could tell you if they want to read more. What is the conflict that this character faces? I think you should write this novel because it looks like you are a pretty good writer and would enjoy writing it, but I don't really know if I would read it or not.

Another thing is the dad and the uncle, you say that he was surprised by the way his dad reacted but its not clear why. His dad seems very upset but that's to be expected when you lose a loved one. I could see how he might be surprised by his dad's reaction if he thought his dad and his uncle weren't very close but he obviously knows that they were, "He had lost his best friend and brother in a car accident some weeks ago". So what was so surprising to him about his dad's reaction? Or was it that his dad was not upset at all? either way you should explain what the dad's reaction was and why it was so surprising. I might say something like "My dad was always so calm and collect, in just a few short hours he was reduced to a withering mess." or "I was surprised that my dad was taking the death of his brother and best friend so well."

You are a really good writer, you really just need to figure out how to sell your story. Not an easy thing to do, I certainly haven't mastered it ;), just need to catch your readers attention and then keep it. If you write a really compelling story in the beginning then the readers will stay with you even through the less interesting parts. So keep writing!

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Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting, I too am a Alice In Wonderland fan, which is why this story caught my attention, but I'll admit, it was kind of a let down, leaving the story up to the reader can be a clever and fun tactic if done right and I think you are on the right track but not quite there. For me, I can't really imagine what could be through that door because you didn't give me much to go on. I'm asking myself what could be so sensitive as to cause the destruction of the universe? And what is so special about her that she can know and I can't? Other than that this is a pretty good story, you were what 14 when you wrote it? I remember looking back at stuff I wrote when i was that age and I realized how much I improved. I think this is pretty good for a ninth grader, could you improve it? Yes, do you really need to? Nah. Write some new stuff and you will be able to compare it to this and see how much you have improved, just remember to keep writing and have fun!
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Review of Fade Away  Open in new Window.
Review by Eileen Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Intriguing, I guess there are people who might feel this way and you have put it into words in the most interesting way possible. I think if someone were actually fading away this would be an accurate portrayal of how they might feel. I like stories like this because they give me something to think about. At first I was focused on the main concept, about fading away when nothing you do matters, and I am of the opinion that everything you do matters so I wasn't very impressed. Then I noticed something else which you may or may not have intended. I was really intrigued by the way he turned to writing as his last voice. Writing is truly a special gift which seems to be your real message here (and if not then it's at least a message)
I noticed a few errors like this one "I had expecting him to help" should be "I had expected". A lot of the sentences were very choppy and abrupt. It didn't flow quite as nicely as it could. You could work on that.

I really enjoyed this story, like I said it made me think, keep up the good work.

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