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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/piglet
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66 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
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Review of Porcelain - Poem  
Review by Piglet
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is so powerful! Yes, perhaps the poem could be a little tighter. You may not need quite so many words, but I love how the format reminds me of someone singing. You have definitely moved me! I think this should be sent out to see if you can get it in print.
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Review of Beauty Sleeps  
Review by Piglet
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A gorgeous sonnet! I absolutely loved this. The rhyme is subtle. The third stanza is my favorite. It really deepens the metaphor and gives the poem a lot of real feeling. A great read as usual! *Smile*

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Review of Silent Wood  
Review by Piglet
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
the dieing bark *Right* dying

You manage to cram a lot of story into 733 words. This story is impressive in its brevity, but I think you could use some more description. I was hoping for some more imagery...maybe not a lot because you wouldn't want to take away from the action too much but some extra details would really bring it to life. Smell of the forest, sounds of the bear...stuff like that.

Also, more character development would be good all around...even treating the bear as a character would help understand its motivation to kill. The confrontation between a human serial killer and an animal serial killer is wonderfully coincidental and worth highlighting.

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Review by Piglet
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
The rhyme and rhythm are technically perfect, but I don't think they match the tone of the poem very well. They are sing-songy like a nursery rhyme and the poem is dark.

Also, there is no imagery to back it up. The backbone of the poem is the rhyme scheme. For example, "like a bulldozer" seemed picked only because it matched the rhyme, not really because the fears were like a bulldozer. (Because lets face it, outside of being big, bulldozers just move dirt around.) If the fears were really like a bulldozer I would linger on the image - plowing, shoving, crunching, etc. It would get your point across better.

Good luck with this and all your endeavors!
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Review of Water Song  
Review by Piglet
Rated: E | (4.0)
This would be an awesome poem for a set meter because it would amplify the movement described in the poem. As is, though, it is still lovely. There is a sense of rolling along because of the natural rhythm of the words.

I enjoyed the double-imagery that you have - describing the music and the water at the same time.
My favorite line was:
Trickling pianissimo in places

The rhyme in the last stanza seems out-of-place compared to the rest of the poem. That's the only other thing that caught my eye.

Thanks for a good read! *Smile*
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Review by Piglet
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
The situational irony here is the best part of the story. I really like the ending. Thought-provoking and I like pieces that make me think.

I am not a big rhyme fan because I find imagery more powerful. However, I think the rhyme is a good choice for telling stories in poetry. There were only a couple places I thought the rhythm could be smoother and make the rhyme stand out more...like here...
go hungry, dirty, and sick as they
shiver through nights cold and dark.

I guess the way I read it, the rhyme sounds a bit forced. I also don't like when rhyme makes the writer come up with alternative syntax such as..."and about that owl does read"

I guess there's a certain part of me that feels like rhyme should be sing-songy like that or that it should be paired with a set rhythm. Obviously, not necessary, just my preference.

Good read altogether though! Good luck with this! *Smile*

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Review of Oaths  
Review by Piglet
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Incredibly descriptive! The description makes the action feel like slow-mo, which seems to dampen the suspense a little, but I think it still reads well.

The archaic speak and words take a while to get used to it, but you stick to it so faithfully. I find that admirable.

You might be able to add some more characterization into the knights themselves. It's hard to see them outside of the armor, and it's hard to tell them apart. Perhaps that was your intent. It may be more effective to just have a bit of personality come out.

Those were just my thoughts! Overall, a good read! *Smile*

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Review by Piglet
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your rhythm here is nearly perfect. I think rhyme is a good choice for religious-oriented poetry.

There were a couple of awkward places:
For me to it listen *Right* I think "for me to listen in" sounds better.
I listen Him this say *Right* A good alternative to this may be "I listen to Him say"

But those were pretty minor. All in all, an enjoyable read! *Smile*

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Review by Piglet
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
You know this reminds me of a little girl having a tea party with her teddy bear. That's kinda creepy, isn't it? LOL I like the surreal aspects of this. I'm not sure you need to repeat the first stanza. You could use the third stanza for more imagery or other elaboration. But I enjoyed this anyway. Thanks for a good read! *Smile*

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Review of Resolution  
Review by Piglet
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hehehe...cute story! The conversation is almost surreal - almost existential - without names and other environmental descriptions. It's actually pretty neat!

I'm curious to know if there was a word limit because you could easily make it longer, but even still this is a nice read. I enjoyed it! *Smile*

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Review by Piglet
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hehehe...very cute! I like the rhythm here and the way the rhyme isn't a main focus of the poem. *Smile* This seems like a great poem to read outloud. On page it looks like it needs to have line breaks reanalyzed, especially since the rhyme could even be more subtle, but other than that it's great.

I really enjoyed reading this! *Smile*

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Review of Storm Warnings  
Review by Piglet
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I love the interactions between the father and the daughter. The daughter is the most compelling character here. I think the father has the potential to be, but for the most of the story he comes across as very over-the-top, almost cartoonish. And in the end you see a softer side, but it still sounds like he your stock Ike Turner kind of character.

Overall, you do a wonderful time building the suspense and incorporating the storm. Your prose is very readable and polished. All in all, a good read!
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Review of Cancer  
Review by Piglet
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
I think there could be more imagery in the first stanza and even the second. I think I'm just looking for more details, more specifics. I know what a port looks like because my dad has cancer, but I'm not sure if your description would get the idea across to someone who hadn't seen it.

I don't know if I like the cynicism here. I don't think it carries the topic as well. It seems like the focus starts out being the reality of cancer, but it seems to snowball into a rant (of sorts) about cigarettes, which really doesn't say anything we haven't heard before.

I believe that saying this:
Fed by a cigarette,
Bit by bit,
Month by month,
Year by year.

maybe with a few extra lines would be sufficient to cover the cigarettes then return to describing cancer itself - the balding, etc.

Alternatively, you could more furtively include the idea of cigarettes into the poem by metaphorically weaving aspects of smoking into other descriptions. "Life fading like smoke" - something like that. You get my drift. The layering would perhaps tone the cynicism down a bit.

Anyway, I think this has a lot of good aspects to it. I did find it to be a good read. The second stanza is the strongest I believe. I think you should rework parts of it, and that could be because I would approach the topic differently. Good luck with this! *Smile*
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Review of Chasing Sunsets  
Review by Piglet
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
The rhythm makes me think of many other narrative, epic pieces. The rhyme scheme is wonderfully obscured. I love when that happens. I like how "the one" could be a spiritual reference or a love interest.

I would just add in more imagery. You could easily expand this without too much trouble to add in more specifics of the story.

All in all a lovely read!
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Review of Mercy  
Review by Piglet
Rated: E | (3.5)
Your rhyme is very well-done. Your rhythm is nice and even, so the rhyme really stands out well. I think the idea of mercy could be explored further, and perhaps separated or compared to the idea of love. Love itself is such a common topic, this is a good angle to approach it. I would simply expand.

Let Your mercy fall like rain - I love this line. It calls forth a wonderful image. I think if you use more imagery like this, it will be a more powerful poem.
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Review by Piglet
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Welcome to the site! *Smile*
If you do turn it into an epic, I would break it up into smaller pieces. I like the sun and moon part although the "waned and waned" line could be reworked. I seemed to have lost track of the girl by the end. I would make sure the reader knows it's the Moon talking there. Other than that, I would say you have great technique. Your rhythm is great. Your word choice is excellent in that all the words seem to work together either in their meaning or their sound. The rhyme is unintrusive, which I like in rhyming poems. Hehehe... I say this is definitely a good start, and expanding it will make it even better. Good luck with this and all your endeavors! Have a great day!

-Becky-
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Review of Drift  
Review by Piglet
Rated: E | (4.0)
Short and sweet. With very few words, you deliver a good punch. To improve it would be to amp up your word choice - something more specific than "black." That kind of thing. I like the length, but if you switch out some of the more common words like "black" or "darkness" and put in some better ones you may be able to say more with the same low amount of words. On the other hand the common words have one advantage - neutrality. So if your intentiion was to convey a sense of ambivalence towards "eternity" you may not want to change. I think this is a good read, and slightly underestimated according to the ratings I see here already.

-Becky-
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Review of Be fine  
Review by Piglet
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the small hints of rhyme you have here. The reader here feels like they are caught up in a heart-to-heart. I would definitely expand this. Another thing you can do is write it as a monolgue. This would be a very powerful thing to perform, I'm thinking. Oh, and either way, some things here could use repetition. I'm just imagining how heartbreaking it would be to have to tell someone to close their eyes more than once because their loved ones doesn't want to take their eyes of the other's face. This is an excellent start - expand, expand, expand. Let me know if you change it and I'll r/r again! *Smile* Good luck with this and all your endeavors!

-Becky-
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Review of Another Nightmare  
Review by Piglet
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great story! It's very emotional. I think it would be a particularly stirring play - very dramatic! There are a couple spots which I thought could use some smoothing over but only a couple:

Marge, a friend whose husband had died on the job, asked - you explain the circumstances of his death soon after. It seems cumbersome and repetitive here. I would use just "Marge, a friend."

We argued; I pleaded; she scoffed or ignored what I said; I felt as if the battle had lasted a lifetime. - the conversation is so natural and the story moves so fast, you could probably elaborate a bit here without risking any loss of interest.

Maybe later I'll even listen when you tell me about your God. - this was a little strange after getting no clue about Marge's religion early in the story. It sounds like this was part of the first draft and sort of got left behind when the story grew up around it. I would probably just cut it. It wouldn't destroy any of the meaning here.

All in all this is very good. I really enjoyed it. May the muses never leave your side!

-Becky-
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Review by Piglet
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very lovely storoem! I like the sentiments the old man professes. It's a love poem within a war poem. It's like the other side of Lysistrata. Mention of the "gods" brings a ancient, mythological feel to the piece. Indeed, this is a problem that is age-old. Thanks for a great read!

-Becky-
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Review of Columbia  
Review by Piglet
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Very beautiful! You definitely did it justice. I like the comparisons you make with 1986. Your words work so well together with all that alliteration. And the swan metaphor is perfect! This is a great read!

-Becky-
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Review of The Writer Virus  
Review by Piglet
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hehehe...very clever idea! I think you could read over it a couple times more to really smooth out some rough grammar/wording spots e.g. "become a writer a victim of the virus." Seems like there should be a comma between "a writer" and "a victim." That's just an example. There were some other spots in there too. Other than that this is very creative piece! A great read! Very contagious! *Wink* Good luck with all your endeavors!

-Becky-
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Review of Gee, Mom  
Review by Piglet
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I came upon your post in my forum, and thought I'd check your port out. Welcome back to the community! *Smile*

This is really powerful! It would be an awesome monologue. I would love to see it performed.

I think perhaps the rhetorical questions become a bit burdensome. I would consolidate them into one paragraph, and then in the next few paragraphs I would round it up with some hard answers. It sort of has a stream of consciousness style which works well for a narrator that is very confused and upset, but it would seem a lot better if the aborted baby was more in control than the mother. That would be a very powerful dichotomy.

I do appreciate thee fact that you didn't go for the shock-value and talk about bloody fetuses and stuff. That would have been a little over the top, and here you proved that you can be dramatic and effective without resorting to those measures.

And on a Tuesday you think of me and count the weeks since I died, and you get upset. - this is an awesome sentence. It may be better if you end on this note. Well, this sentence and then "I'm upset too because..." sort of thing.

-Becky-
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Review of Drive-In Movies  
Review by Piglet
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I think it's interesting the way the narrator grows up within a matter of a few pages of good writing. You capture his voice well. It seems sometimes people have a problem with first-person because the narrator isn't all that well developed as a character. You don't have that problem here. The clever little details added in make your prose interesting. An all around great read!

-Becky-
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