That was a gorgeous piece! You used lovely words to describe the sea. This is such a beautiful story.
The sound of the gentle ocean, waves breaking and calming down until they softly disappeared into the sand,... Terrific use of adjectives. (I'm an adjective fan!)
The moon was a bright ring in the sky, illuminating a pure white light and casting an sheen on the deep ocean. The sea was beautiful at night, its depths were many different hues, deep greens blues and navyās blended together like a blurred watercolor painting, its hem a frothy white foam that dissolved when the water grew gentle and sank into the sand. Totally beautiful paragraph.
Consider editing:The sea was beautiful at night, its depths were many different hues,deep greens bluesand navyās blended together... I suggest adding punctuation between greens and blues. Better yet, try putting and.
Heylo! I took a peek at your port, since you visited mine The first thing I clicked on was your blog, since it was first... I got a good laugh out of the intro! Are you really that scary? -runs away-
Clicking on this entry, I got a good laugh...
I have reached the venerable old age of 28. I wish I was 18 again. Or a Vampire. Then nothing could stop me in my Global conquest! Bwhahahahahaha! Er...except garlic and sunlight, I guess...wait a minute! It's always sunny here in Antartica!! Argh!!!! -Wheek- *puff* LOL
This excerpt has definitely hooked me on your story. I only see one fault: you cut it too short!
What I liked:
When Dreban had given his little speech at the doorway to the cellar, Femke had surreptitiously inserted the little piece of metal into the bolt socket with her thumb. Good use of adjectives!
The spy felt sure that she had never done more than skimmed the surface of sleep and was positive she would have shed her fragile slumber at the slightest of sounds. Excellent use of words there as well.
Faint light shone in through a small window in the passageway, but it lit Femkeās way as well as any torch. Once again, your word choices are terrific.
Format-placing was done very well. Its easy to read
Everything else was good! Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading this. Have a great day ~Jaoli
This was up on a review forum...hope you don't mind I peeked at it.
Whoo! GREAT job. I really liked the last verse. Of course, the stanza in each verse doesn't really match the foregoing verses (eg: Your first line in the first verse has seven beats, the first line in the second verse has three beats), the words are terrific. I'm giving it high rating because of the substance
Keep writing & thanks for sharing! Great work ~Jaoli
Wow. These are some great facts and advice you gave out. I couldn't believe my eyes when I read the last sentence:
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This is such a cute poem! It flows so nicely and the stanza is perfect. I don't have any suggestions cuz there ARE none to make *_~ And for my favorite lines-well, you can't beat that fourth verse:
That old Jack Frost can't get to me. I'm sheltered from the cold. It's warm and comfy in my house So let the north wind scold.
This is such a cute story! I enjoyed reading it, it was so easy to follow. Overall, it was very good, and I liked your style as well as description of the flowers. Good job!
I only have one suggestion: In this sentence, Jozhik, took a bit longer to reach the top of the hill, but seeing the field rolled himself up to a ball and rolled downhill at increasing speed., try taking the comma out between Jozhik and took. Only my two-sense, though
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