Quite the tale. It had great flow and was easily read. Lloyd has an vivid and overactive imagination; or does he? The visual of the table top, and the crashing of the picture above the fireplace was clear I could see the scene being played out before me. Nice job.
Just one thing that needs work: Perhaps it was even the best---seems to be missing something. Best what? Meal he's ever had?
Pretty powerful stuff. I was totally transported into the writing. So, because you don't mind if I nit pick, just a few things you might want to consider, but really it's good on it's own.
I dream of memorizing the texture and scent. How about---I dream of memorizing your texture and scent.
Strength enough to offer the haven I so desperately crave right there; so near. How can I so desperately crave your voice murmuring in my ear? Crave is used twice and so is desperately......was it intentional?...might want to change one of them.
Strength enough to offer the haven I so urgently crave right there; so near. How can I so desperately desire your voice murmuring in my ear?
I don't know, maybe leave it as is. Just trying to help. Great little piece.
I really liked the ghost story and especially the birthday party. I'm turning 40 in 08' and hope that as I age my husband will still try to keep that spark of excitement in my eyes. Life is a funny thing sometimes, but the best part is having someone to share it all with. The hopes, dreams and sadness. Good job.
So I reviewed this this morning, and my computer froze up, and it didn't get posted!! Trying it again.
Title: Life in High Gear
Chapter: 4
Author: Molly Jean
Plot: Holy crap! I know I said give me more Chance, and fast, but I so hoped that when Georgia thought John resembled someone she knew, it wasn't Chance. But, of course it was!! Then of course I expected Chance to be turned off by the fact that she was with his little brother, only to be wrong again! Whew, how many more wrong assumptions can I make?
Setting: Chance's place. Georgia in search of the bathroom and kitchen, finding her way, and of course running into her dream man.
Characterization: Chance is funny, kind and defintely has his eye on Georgia, and even though he says he's only looking to have a good time, to string attached, I'm hoping that's a lie. Georgia is searching for the lost years spent with Matt, finding out that she's getting older, and can't handle the liquor like she used it. It happens to all of us. But what is she truly searching for?
Grammar: Lost the few things I had down here, but remember one of the three. This was a little repetitve for me, though you could maybe change the work kitchen to 'it'. She went to find the kitchen, her stomach growling loudly. She walked around a corner and found the kitchen.
Just my personal opinion: Story moves quickly, with big surprises thorugh out. I have a lot of questions, so that will definetly bring me back.
Plot: Georgia moves back in with her old roommate and best friend. She goes back to the bar with Lena, trying to return to her old life, her old ways. I get that feeling that this isn't exactly what she's looking for. That Georgia needs something more, but just doesn't know what exactly that it.
Characterization: Lena is definitely a free spirit. She is part owner of a bar, which she loves, and is trying her best to help Georgia regain her life. Georgia on the other hand is a lost soul at this point, not sure what she is searching for.
Grammar: Nothing found.
Just my personal opinion: For me, kinda turned off by the kisses between girls, but hey, that's just me. Curious to see where Georgia will go next. How long do I have to wait til Georgia meets up with Chance again? Looking forward to that!
Plot: Georgia makes the stunning discovery that not only has Matt been intimate with another woman, but that he has feelings for the woman. Bravo to Georgia for realizing that the relationship has run it's course before it was too late!
Setting: Nice set up in the bar, letting the drinks go to Georgia's head and her tongue the opportunity to say what she really felt. Love blunt people who cut to the chase. The sex afterward was inspired by people that weren't even in the nice. Great build up.
Characterization: Georgia is ready to let go of her cushy, boring, life, in search of herself, and the happiness and love that she needs. Matt, not really sure what I think of him, other than the man has no backbone. Still trying to figure out why he even bothered to propose. Now as for the addition of Chance, I am already intrigued by the man, and I don't beleive the word intrigued goes deep enough!
Grammar: 1--She wanted freedom she wanted to be able to say what she wanted and not fear offending.(a little confusing, needs a period between she and freedom, and finsih the thought about offending. offending whom?) 2--“No, and I’m not sure exactly what I’m going through right now. 3--Something a bout him stirred her deeper than a physical attraction.(maybe take out the a) 4--He just sat...occasionaly coming out to check on her ask her if she needed anything and ask a few stupid questions about what was going on.(Long sentence, maybe breaking it up a bit, changing some words. occasionally coming to check on her, ask if she needed anything, and ask what was happening) 5--Was he really what she wanted to be with the rest of her life? (Did she really want to spend the rest of her life with him? or, Could she spend her life..) 6--She walked back in and picked up the phone dialing the bar where Lena worked on her way back out. (She went back to the bedroom, retrieved the phone and quietly went out again.) 6--He rolled her onto her back thrusting harder she could help but enjoy..(maybe throw in the word 'and' between harder and she.) 7--He had asked him why he had to leave on a Friday. (think u meant she)
Just my personal opinion: Since I married my mechanic, I guess I'm a little biased, but that's okay. We run a repair shot together now, so I will really be interested in seeing where this relationship between Chance and Georgia will go.
Plot: Georgia, I believe, isn't in love with Matt anymore. She's already grown bored from the lack of spontaneity, and their life together that reads like a repetitive calander. With four months to go before the wedding, will she wait it out, trying to get Matt to loosen up? Or will she run, in search of something else, something that will make her feel alive again?
Setting: Georgia on the road, pulling over to get her thoughts together was descriptive. Out of character she is emboldened to try and seduce her man, doing something out of the ordinary for the two of them, only Matt isn't interested. Like she went the sexy route with her clothing, instead of conservative, which I assume Matt would rather she wore.
Characterization: Georgia is in search of something more in her life. She craves excitement, and purpose. Matt seems so traditional, happy with the status quo, and not willing to do anything to rock the boat.
Grammar: 1-- It left her grabbing at air, her intention to have hand full of something a bit more firm than air.(missing her?)
Just my personal opinion: Nice begining. Looking forward to see what choices Georgia will make when it comes to her future. Matt better wake up, or else he will be gone!
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/purpleprincess/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/16
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.76 seconds at 11:12am on May 12, 2024 via server web2.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
