PLOT: Timmy, who I believe is grown, looks back on his childhood memories, memories that haunt him and refuse to give him peace. Intriguing beginning, enough to get the reader to move forward to see what happened after Mitzi left.
STYLE & VOICE: Everything read well here, nothing to point out at this time.
REFERNCING: All things good here as well. I could easily see Timmy as a child by the way he spoke.
SETTING: Nice job at the breakfast table, easy to see, and with the family dynamic, it wasn't hard to figure out everyone's place. Also the boys racing one another, takes the reader back to their own childhood and how cruel some can be.
CHARACTERS: Timmy- easy to see the love Mitzi holds for her younger brother. Seems almost as if she is his caregiver. The father has total charge of the family, the mother voices her opinion, but lets her husband keep the control. Jeff is the favorite of the parents, and is treated just that way. Mitzi, gone too soon.
GRAMMAR: Nothing to point out. I counldn't find anything mistakes here.
JMPO: Wow, i hadn't realized where 'the eyes' were going, but you caught my attention. I want to know what happens next - especially how Timmy goes forward when the bond with his sister is ripped away.
You have a true gift of spinning a vibrant tale that conjures instant images in the mind of your reader. The poem itself read very well, and had great flow.
My favorite line -
Slow burning embers of a jaded hazel iris,
I can almost picture those eyes filling with fire, of love, of life, of ecstasy. Great line, gripping the readers emotions.
Nice poem in time for Halloween. Good imagery, and very emotional as well. Easy to picture the scene of poor Alice's demise. What a shame that things like that actually happened. It was easy to follow, had good flow and rhyme as well. Just thinking about such a violet death turns me cold.
A lot of stealing of lines in your work. Don't think that's a good idea. It's easy to do when you've had a song in your head, or watched a television show and heard a good line. Be careful of copyright.
As for the poem itself there are issues in regards to flow. Some words could be taken out or moved around to capture the meaning you are trying to convey.
Repetition always has a way of taking away from the message of the piece of writing. Rethinking the use of the word 'once' and finding other words to replace it might be a good idea.
A poem of lost love. The emotional depth was there. The longing was felt, sadness too. Some good rhyme in sections.
Oh what mighty words you've spoken. How sad and true, but summed up so eloquently. Now I am no fan of this man, even before he took office and spread his twist logic to those with closed minds. This had great rhyme and flow, good meter as well. There is nothing I could ever suggest since you've managed to cover his career so well. This poem embraces what we all should feel over what this man has done to us, and to the world. Never before have we been so hated world wide, and the blame lay soley on the shoulders of the idiot sitting in the oval office.
Nice rhyme and meter in this one. Feel good piece of writing. Whoever it was written for, I'm sure she's flattered to know that you think of her with such high regard. It had good flow and everything moved easily from on stanza to the next. Just one little question I had for this line.
you'll always be there that I know is true --was 'is' the word you wanted?
The depth and range of emotion in this piece is intriguing. Easy to read and had good flow throughout. Very sad poem. A few spelling errors.
heart youryou're buying.
we camoflauge dinial.denial
Down at your feet again i bed beg??and plead
Misslead by your cute devious grin--not sure if you wanted mislead, or misled
Placed by fucking looniticks.lunatics
Again i drink the posisonpoison from the vielvial.
Nothing wrong with crying for a man. Though not something I'm sure was easy to admit. Love can be a tricky thing.
Welcome to WDC. Good luck in your writing and never give up.
Well, I find this poem heartbreaking. If that was your intention, then two thumbs up. What I get out of it is a man who loves a woman so much, is willing to go to great lengths for her attention. But alas she is somehow above him, and breaks his heart without a backwards glance. So very sad, depressing even. The very last line just cuts so deep. Easy to feel the pain.
Another poem of love and longing. It was easy to see that her smile means the world to you.
Rhyme changed throughout this piece. The very last stanza had a completely different rhyme scheme from the three previous. Was this intentional? Or did it just work out that way? And for me, this is only my opinion and don't claim to be a poet- the last line lost it's rhyme. Might be better to ditch the 's' on miles, and shorten the sentence.
Talk about a visual. Cringe worthy doesn't even come close to doing this piece justice. I wondered how long he'd be able to contain his disdain. But the phone conversation seemed to push him right ove the edge and with good reason. The projectile was great and definitely needed! LOL.
This brought back a lot of memories for me. The scene was easy to see because you were able to capture that visual in my head. Then came the smell. Yes that too I could smell, not a pleasant oder at all, and something that makes me cringe. It's the ex-smoker in me. Nice piece of writing.
This was different for me to read. You do so well with visualization. Bringing the reader right into the action. The race is easy to follow, the feeling of excitement, sneakiness, determination all tangled together until the final stanza where pride now takes over. It's like a little triumph and then a victory dance right at the end. Nicely done.
Interesting strory. Great emotion with Dimitiri. You took me on his journey of longing, of sadness and loneliness then building desire. The twist was good, didn't see it coming.
Think you could expand on the twist a bit. Drag out his anger, his instant frustration and devastation. How does he feel about this stranger who's arrived ready to give him his hearts desire only to so cruelly twist the knife deeper?
Would be a good start for a book. Maybe follow Dimitri on his quest to find Tsura and make things right.
This was an exceptional piece of writing. It seemed more like a story, than a poem as each verse continued on the story of the encounter. It gripped me right from the beginning. I like the idea of the two strangers coming together though the encounter is considered deceitful. I could easily picture the scene that you painted right before my eyes. It was both beautiful and dreamy, and I would love to read more of your work. If this is a first attempt, then I suggest you keep up the good work. You do well in the genre.
***This review is being given as a part of the Chapter Recappers Group. This review is given from my point of view in the spirit of honesty and the desire to help you as an aspiring author grow and improve in your craft. Please receive my evaluation of your work and these suggestions in the spirit in which they are given and feel free to “throw away” anything that doesn’t work for you. Have a great day and happy writing!***
PLOT: Set in the future, it is a connection to past historic events, told through books found.
DESCRIPTION: Mostly telling. It is hard to get into the scene when you've seen it unfold of television, and are only getting the play by play in the story. If you are going to use characters, then you need for us to care for them, by having the reader go through the motions with that character.
CHARACTERS: Glen is with the Mayor as the city becomes a nightmare. He is a reporter who is getting the story firsthand. Rudy, the mayor, known. Eirelav-historian who uncovered the books.
DIALOGUE/GRAMMAR: Dialogue needs work. It's repetitve in spots, missing end quotes. Some dialogue tags could be omitted. They aren't all necessary. he said, she said. If you are going to use them, then tell me wha the characters are doing while speaking. It thrusts the reader into the story, so we get a clear picture of it in our minds.
JMPO: There is work to be done here. I get the premise of the story, but since you've decided to link the future to the past, you will have to delve deeper into your characters. Make the reader care for them. I haven't cared enough about any of them, and it's a necessity for me as a reader.
This is a pretty intense piece. A lot of images and pain I am getting out of this poem. Was she really using the other? Or was that just the way she thought?
Getting hit with the truth is so very telling. Even when you are dishonest, it has a way of sinking in and shaking things up, your perception, your outlook.
What did you see while looking in the mirror? What you thought you'd find, or something entirely different?
I loved, loved, loved this piece. Great build up and kept me on the edge of seat til the end. And I still don't believe how it ended. I laughed, and could see it all played out right in front of my eyes. And then WHAM! Hit me over the head. Bold move on your friends part, but just imagine if she never did that. Where would they be today?
Thanks for sharing this story. Certainly two thumbs up for the matchmaking internet business.
This is so classic. I love it. Kids are incredible. And I applaud you for teaching the correct terminology. I did the same with my boys. What's the point in giving body parts fake names when they'll end up questioning the right ones later on in life.
Bravo to you, and your son, who obviously is one smart cookie.
Another powerful piece of writing. I have to wonder if this is a work of fiction, or if it parrell's your life.
Asking yourself those hard questions is one thing, but realizing the answer is truly another. For in searching the very depths of our souls we come upon some hard to swallow truths.
It is very sad, and heartbreaking, but the emotions expressed made the reader identify with the writer, gave understanding.
Marriage-relationships can be tricky. It is something both partners must work at continually. This piece was filled with emotion, of the wife's shock of finding the passionate letter. Where does she go from here? There was some suspicion, but yet she choose to ignore it. Only when finding the evidence does she seek the truth, and gets rewarded with a lie. Oh what a tangled web...
Nicely written and very telling of this relationship. Thanks for sharing it.
This piece of poetry had good flow and a great build up. Even a sense of humor that was totally unexpected.
I can really relate to sitting back and comparing two things against one another. It sometimes happens in the strangest of ways. I was stunned when I read the last stanza, never saw it coming. And that is always a wonderful thing.
I really liked the set up of this piece of poetry. All the emotions played out well, and I could actually picture a person before me with all of this written on their face. Or looking at myself in the mirror and seeing it all so clearly right in front of my face.
Only one suggestion--delete the "s" at the end of spoken.
Well this was a cool poem. I like it a lot. The rhyme scheme was on target and using the title as the last line for every stanza brought it altogether.
This piece could have been written about me. And it will do well here, since we all are going through this, or have gone through it to reach that light at the end of the tunnel.
Ah, very sweet. How funny is it that he knows she playing her ace card, yet is willing to go along with it? Love the dynamic of their relationship. They toys lying about, the house and water dish, all leading him to believe he's finally getting the one thing he's wanted. But nope. So sorry, you just got burned. I loved him asking what they're supposed to do with it, and the fact that he acknowledges that he might be the one sleeping in the dog house. Great job.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/purpleprincess/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/13
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.74 seconds at 10:15am on Apr 28, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
![New siggie by [Link To User legerdemain]](https://www.writing.com/main/images/action/display/ver/1238518018/item_id/1473040.jpg "CRC Leader Siggie [#1473040]
New siggie by [Link To User legerdemain]")
