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1
1
Review by Anne Light
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Dear Kate,

Your story was selected to be reviewed in depth for the Angel Army In-Depth Reviews.

Story: This is a lovely vignette of a five year old girl. And it's so hard to capture the voice of a child! You do that very well.

Plot: The story centers around the fifth birthday of the child, though there are general remarks on the child's relationship to her mother and her teacher. The part about the wedding party was the strongest of the piece; it was vivid and funny. I'm not so sure about the parts that cover the mother and the teacher. Though the girl speaks a lot about her mother, she centers only one a single piece of information, that her mother slaps her without reason. I do understand the emotional significance, but the mother remains pale and one-dimensional as a result. If the mother was so unpredictable, I should think she should be responsible for unpredictable good feelings, too, and it would make her so much more visual if she countered her aggressive side with some unexpected tenderness.

The teacher remains very pale, too, and if she's important to the girl, I think she shouldn't be. She's a role-model for the girl after all, so maybe you can include a scene that shows her personality a bit more clearly.

Voice: This is the strong part of your story, and it's so hard to pull of the voice of a small child. I suspect that as grown people we have very selective memory of what happened to us back then, and it doesn't include the sense of self we had when we were children. You do a very good job with it. The text conveys the buoyancy of a child very well, as well as the associative thinking. The text reads like the narration of a child jumping from one issue to the next, and I enjoyed that very much.

There were a few instances where the voice didn't ring quite true to me, and I'll go through the story and comment on them individually.

I’m dressed in this scratchy pink dress...
*Note4* Starting off on an uplifting note. I loved the paragraph with the dress and the ringlet. You do a really good job at showing us the little girl.

I never know what the something is until after I get hit for doing it wrong or not doing it.
*Note4* This is just some editing advice. I'd cut the highlighted part. In the sentence before you've got a long part of when she gets hit, and I don't think you need to repeat it.

...and a kid doesn’t have to act like old grownups on her very own fifth birthday.
*Note4* I've got two problems with that. The theme of people over twenty being old appears rather often in this short piece, and I think you are trying to make your point a bit too forcefully. Also, I'd rather have a concrete image than this general remark. What does she miss not being able to act like a child? The swirling in her dress? Playing in the dirt? Running? Riding a bike?

...he laughs at the silly poems I write for him...
*Note4* Here is one of the instances where I think you veer off your voice. Would a five-year-old comment on her own poems that way? I'd say she'd call them funny, but you use that in the following sentence. Maybe, you could rather tell us what the poems are about,so we can see they are silly?

She knows lots of stuff and she acts really nice about it,...
*Note4* Who doesn't? Well, mom of course, but could you contrast their behavior when it comes to explaining things? What explanations does the mother give? And how does she show that she doesn't care the girl understands?

The wedding party ended up being fun after all.
*Note4* This is my favorite sentence, especially because of the instance you describe afterwards.

...that somewhere I can just be a normal kid...
*Note4* Admittedly, it's one of my pet peeves. I simply can't stand the word "normal". It tells me nothing except that you can't tell what other people think. This might very well be true of a child, but in this case I was surprised that the girl would consider herself not normal. Who is she comparing herself with? Who are the normal kids? In the story I didn't get the sense that the girl feels there's something wrong with herself, and so the normal sounded off key to me.

One general remark: I don't know how you developed this voice. The girl's name made me think it might be autobiographical, and then all critique about having the "wrong" voice fall flat and prove only that I'm not much of an expert when it comes to five-year-olds. But I didn't want to go into the piece, assuming it was you who you were talking about. I'd rather treat it as a piece of fiction.

I enjoyed reading this little vignette very much, and it made me very happy to meet an author with such a strong narrative voice. *Smile*

This is my personal take on your story. You are the best judge. If you think I'm wrong, then I probably am.

Best wishes,

Anne

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Review of Late Night Snack  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
This review was requested at

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Dear Inkscribe,


Story: What if that film on the screen was meant for you? What if you were part of the story? You turned the old fantasy about becoming part of a fictional work into a creepy story with great potential. While I enjoyed the mix of realities thoroughly, allow me a few critical remarks on some aspects on your item.

Plot: "When you write a story, you make a character climb up a tree, throw stones at him, and make him come down again." I don't know who said this, but I find it's an apt description of a good plot. When you apply the principle to your story, you'll see that your hero doesn't climb down the tree. Instead he's defeated by the horror reality on the TV screen. I dislike endings like these very much because they break a promise you make at the beginning when you introduce the reader to your character. I expect the character to grow, to reach a different level of understanding by the end of the story. That necessarily implies that he lives through the experience. If you let David fight the creatures from the program, allowing him to escape with barely more than his life, I'd understand the high stakes in your story better, and the merging of realities would become so much more real.

At the beginning you introduce a domestic conflict between David and Jen. I would expect, too, that the conflict was resolved in the end. In a way it is, but it doesn't really satisfy me. The argument between Jen and David and the movie on screen were related thematically, and I really liked it. That was good. But you leave it at that. What if Jen came in earlier and became part of the fight, instead of just witnessing the end? And could the ritual argument become a part of the solution, or a way of raising the stakes, and thus the suspense? Or, allow me to come back to my earlier idea of saving David, could defeating evil mark a change in their relationship?

Characters: I believe if you considered your plot again, your characters might benefit from it, too. The focus in your story is on the twist in the end, David and Jen remain a generic couple without much individuality. If they could face the danger together, their interaction would characterize them individually and as a couple. It would make them more real, and make the reader care more for them.

Description: In your descriptions you often evaluate, like "creepy looking children" or "horrible grin". I believe this is an instant to apply the standard advice "show, don't tell". What's creepy about the children? Why's the grin horrible?

Language: I'll go through the story and comment on some sentences individually.

Mountainous heaps of clothes littered the floor.
*Note2* Clothes may litter the floor. I don't think heaps do. "Mountainous heaps" has a tautological feel to it.

...finally coming to rest on an old horror movie. He smiled, horror movies were his favorite. Nothing made him happier than a good scare, and this one looked good.
*Note2* Two repetitions in this paragraphs. Try something like this:
...finally coming to rest on an old horror movie. He smiled. Nothing made him happier than a good scare.

an old Victorian looking house
*Note2* Well, it's got to be Victorian, doesn't it? Since "Victorian" defines the time, I'd cut "old", and since it defines a style, I'd cut "looking", too.

David watched as the next scene showed a pale looking family
*Note2* You can cut the highlighted parts without loss. We already know he's watching, and "pale" would be stronger than "pale looking". I trust you. When you say they are pale, then they are. Don't distance yourself from what you write.

He had a weak stomach,
*Note2* This sentence had me wondering: Why would someone so squeamish favor horror reels? He could watch a nice clean comedy instead. *Wink* I'd cut.

the demented family
*Note2* This goes unexplained. Why's the family demented?

Instead of smacking against the glimmering box,
*Note2* This is my favorite paragraph because this is where realities merge. Still, I think you should cut the part I quoted. Show me what happened, don't tell me what should have (I share David's reality, so I know). i'd like to suggest more changes: Replace "dissolving" with "and dissolved", and replace "the shoe landing" with "and the shoe landed". Try it out, but I believe the action gains force. Anyway the semicolon before "landing" should be a comma.

the tall man lifted his foot...
*Note2* I love this part!

... haunting David's soul.
*Note2* I maybe overly literal here, but I believe that a shocking event becomes haunting afterwards. In this situation I'd expect something more immediate. "Piercing"? Oh, you'll come up with something better.

His body thrashed wildly,
*Note2* I'm not sure the pronoun has a proper antecedent. At first, I thought it referred to the tall man, and I found that confusing.

The story made a creepy read, but I think it's got greater potential. I hope you'll consider a rewrite. I'd be happy to return to your story for a rerate after it improved. *Smile*

Whatever I say, I may be wrong. You are the best judge of your story.

Best wishes,

Anne
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Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Jyo,

Thanks for entering
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day
.

Content: I found the poem very moving: Watching your father die in a hospital bed. You build up the image very well in the first stanza of the poem. I liked your use of alliteration and onomatopoeia to bring the scene alive. You really engaged the senses.

The ending is very strong, too. You go back to lesser syllables again, and are reduced to economy in language, which actually strengthens the lines.

Mechanics: I'll comment on a few lines that caught my eye.

impassive gaze ignores my fervent pleas
*Note* I don't really like the fervent pleas because you don't tell what they are. In consequence, they are not really telling.

Cheerless
wait for that
farewell,
*Note* Reminded me of Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night... *Wink*

I was moved by the theme and impressed with your confident style. *Smile*

You're the best judge of your poem. If you think I'm wrong, I probably am.

Best wishes,

Anne

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Review of Nuinn  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear DragonBlue,

Thanks for entering
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day
.

Content: You are a modern bard to reliven the Celtic tradition of songs about the trees. My knowledge of Celtic mythology is scarce, so I'll just take your word for the content of the poem.

Form: The poem is carefully crafted, and it's an enjoyable read throughout. It's rhythimically pleasing. I got the feeling the strict rhyme pattern got in the way of your word choice sometimes. To me, the words "elegance" and "panache" sounded like an anachronism. I could well be at fault here, but I don't associate the Celtic druids with modern french words like that.

I enjoyed being taken to this ancient mythoslgical world. *Smile*

Best wishes,

Anne

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5
5
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Dear Nicki,

Thanks for entering
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day


Story: You've got great story-telling qualities. I admired your sense for detail (the slipper-nudging told so much), and I enjoyed the strained relationship between the narrator and Dani. The fundamentals of a story are there, but I think the story could benefit from tighter organization.

Plot: In two scenes, you capture a defining moment in a woman's life by bringing together two unrelated threads of her life: Her relationship with Dani, and the diagnosis of a fatal disease.

And here's my problem. I think the topic is too big for 1000 words. The scenes are but a snapshot from the whole big picture, and nothing much happens. Most of what happens takes place in Nina's mind. Especially in the first part, you give the whole back-story on Nina and Dani. What I'd actually like to read is how it plays out. I'm aware you can't do this within the format of that story.

Then Nina gets the diagnosis. This alone could be the beginning of a novel, a young woman fighting cancer. You use it for the final twist of your story, the message on the answering machine is full of dramatic irony. But is it a resolution? And I think in both cases, you end before the end. We don't get to know what happens to Nina's health, and we don't get to know if Nina and Dani finally reconcile. Again, I'm aware you can't do it in this format, but I hope you understand why the story left so many questions open.

Characters: Nina is done well. The shoes are really a nice touch, though it's the kind of characterization you don't really have time for in such a short story. You show Nina to be a very correct and tidy person, but it does not bear relevance with the plot. Dani speaks in her letter and the message. I really liked the voice you gave her. Though her appearance in the story is short, she comes across as a full personality.

Language: I'll comment on a few sentences in the story.

Nina pulled into a tight parking space and cut the engine. ...
*Note* It takes Nina three paragraphs to open the letter. Okay, you introduce the hospital smell, show us where she lives. But how much of it is necessary for the plot? I'd lobby hard for trying to reorganize the story. I want to know more about Dani.

Nina suppressed a smile.
*Note* Why? She's alone, and the following sentence gives a reason for the smile, but not for suppressing it. I'd find it more convincing if Nina smiled, but furrows her brows later when she thinks of Dani's betrayal.

“I just made the appointment because I lost a bunch of weight....
*Note* With the medical story, too, the story is back-to-front. You use a lot of back flashes, and it slows down the reading. You might want to consider thinking about the story chronologically. What's the quickest road from A to Z?

As in the workshop, it's very apparent that you're a talented story teller. I can see all the hard work you put into improving your style. *Smile*

You are the best judge of your story. If you think I'm wrong, I probably am.

Best wishes,

Anne

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Review of Where I Belong  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Shi,

Thanks for entering
Rising Stars Shining Brighter  (E)
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status.
#1215871 by Tornado Day
.

Content: What a delightful example of narrative poetry. I can relate because I was co-leader of a Rising Star workshop myself. The narrative is logical and easily understandable. I found myself nodding along as I read the poem.

Form: It was the form that made me stumble sometimes. You follow the rules you set for yourself not all that strictly. The rhyming scheme varies through the stanzas. So does the rhythm. You start with two-footed verse, but later in the poem the number of stressed syllables doubles. The number of unstressed syllables varies, too. I have to admit it slowed me down in reading.

Mechanics: I'll give some examples of the lines I found awkward.

All of a sudden, my turn had come;
my stomach tightened.
I had no where to run!
*Note* See, here's an example how the length of the verse varies. The first verse is twice as long as the two below. I'd change the punctuation, too. A period after "come", and a semicolon after "tightened". I find that the emotional reaction in the second verse is linked closer to the third verse than to the first.

Magnificent accomplishments
*Note* Both words don't fit the rhythm in the stanza. The line itself has no particular rhythm, and it stands out and made me stumble.

Calmly my doubts finally disappeared
*Note* Here, the verses are at their longest. And you put it two adverbs to fill up the line. The line would have rhythm if you left them out, and you'd have the length you started with. If you want to keep it that long, I'd suggest something like:
I calmed down; my doubts disappeared.

music of their magical chords
*Note* Does "chords" rhyme with "words"?

I enjoyed the conflict in the poem and the gleeful solution. *Smile*

You're the best judge of your poem. If you think I'm wrong, I probably am.


Best wishes,

Anne

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7
7
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear Kiya,

Gosh, I almost forgot I promised to read this story. Terribly sorry.

Story: The main attraction of this story is the narrator's voice. I'm sure you are aware of it. It's fabulous; it's as if we are in the same room. I can tell what he looks like though there's no physical description of him. I've got some questions regarding the plot and the characters that I think should be addressed more clearly in the story.

Plot: The story is rather simple. A self-made man gets estranged from his family, gets a wakeup call from his oldest son and resolves to reform.

At the beginning, the narrator says "his son was suddenly too old to be his son," and I didn't quite know what you meant by that. I took it that his son didn't want to do anything with his father anymore, but I think you should give an example and show us how the father reacted, so we get a clearer picture of how the relationship stands before the scene that triggers the change.

I think, too, that you need to explain more about the relationship of the couple, especially how Travis feels about his wife. He's rather critical about her - all these remarks about Botox - so much that I don't understand why he insists on not cheating on her and being happy that she crept back in his bed. I can hardly feel what keeps them together. If Melinda divided the house for them, I believe there are stronger feelings than just a suspicion about cheating. And if so, I want to hear about it.

The story is about a life changer, and I think you could do more to tell me what is Travis starting point.

For my taste, there's little conflict between Travis and Brandon, too. The father has to overcome little difficulty to persuade his son to go with him and to make him ask questions.

And why is he telling the shrink? You mention something about the divorce, but I'm not sure what the outcome is supposed to be. If you gave the meeting a more obvious purpose, it might give the story a clearer direction. Let's say, for example, Travis wants to find out if he should divorce. Then I'd expect him to enumerate all of Melinda's failings as a wife. He'd think of her as spiteful, working against him, and though he's critical, he doesn't appear that far removed from her. He doesn't bear any grudges. If he was contemplating to divorce her, he would. Just to think of an alternative, let's say, Travis might want to find out why he isn't capable of dealing with his son. Then I'd expect him to be more introspective. He'd remember incidents in the past where he proved he'd failed. Like he missed all his son's baseball matches, or he realizes he knows nothing about his son's life.

What I'm trying to tell with this mass of words is that I think the plot is not quite rich enough. You give the frame of a very good story, but I think it needs more details to be really telling.

Character: Travis is very much alive and real, due to his strong voice. Sometimes I found myself disbelieving this voice, though. He's the CEO of a Fortune 500 company, but his language is strongly colored by his poor upbringing. I'd have expected him to soften his style a bit when he gets older and enters the world of careers. But he speaks like his father would have done. Maybe, it wouldn't irk me as much if you hadn't started so very high at the top. Maybe, if his company was a bit lower down the ladder the discrepancy wouldn't be as strong. I'd expect he could still make a lot of dough. (Anyway, the word "fortune" appears twice in the paragraph, and though you talk about two different things, the words clanked together in my head.)

As I've indicated above, Melinda could be more clearly defined, too. We see her only with Travis' eyes, and that makes it difficult. Travis would be so much away from home that he'd hardly be able to tell more about her than he does. Still, I think you should think some more on her behavior. Did she throw dishes when she suspected Travis to be cheating? How did she turn the boys against their father? I mean maybe she didn't, but can you tell an incident that made Travis think so? The way I see her she's a very materialistic woman, and I can't see her caring much for the children. But is it true? She tells Travis Btrandon needs him more than herself, but the sentence gives no reflection on her character. Is it a loving mother speaking who knows the needs of her sons? Or is it a failing mother who selfishly puts the blame somewhere else?

Characters and plot are closely connected with each other, and I believe that if you clarified the characters, you'd improve the plot. If you improve the plot, the characters will become more defined.

Language: A few sentences I noticed.

I practically rented out the goddamn park for he and his buddies.
*Note2* Either it's a plain grammar mistake, or you were doing it on purpose. In that case, I think you are overdoing it. If he's a CEO for a Fortune 500 company, he'd have learned to avoid the crudest mistakes.

I wanted to beat my rivals, get to the top, and show my late Dad that I wasn’t going to be a loser like him.
*Note2* Can't really tell why, but I'd cut it. Would someone speak that way about the competition?

who made headlines for the coolest invention yet
*Note2* that's an outside observation. The inventor would name it.

that sickly sweet smell I’m all too familiar with (trust me, I was a wild one in my college days).
*Note2* It doesn't tell me a lot about Travis with regard to the plot. Which means another cut.

I couldn’t even yell at him.
*Note2* This paragraph is fantastic. It's the strongest in the whole story.

if she had physically hit me.
*Note2* How could it have been non-physically?

But I managed somehow.
*Note2* Tell me how he managed. I want to know. It's where the story is, how he changed.

where I used to hang out to study and read (when I could find the time),
*Note2* You already told us how much he had to work. I'd still believe he found some time for reading in the park, without batting an eye.

Mind if I borrow this box of Kleenex?
*Note2* I'm not sure this is one of your happiest decisions, dear. When you look at the transition from the last paragraph, I really wonder what he wants the Kleenex for. I wouldn't put it past you that the effect was intended, but I don't think Travis would want to tell his doctor. All in all, I think the story ended on a funnier note than you intended. Honi soit qui mal y pense. *Wink*

Travis' voice is indeed delightful. You should go back to this. There's more in it for you. *Smile*

This is my personal take on your story. You are the best judge. If you think I'm wrong, then I probably am.

Best wishes,

Anne

"The Ventriloquist CLOSED" 

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8
8
Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Nicki,

At the workshop, I became curious about your work. So, here I am.

Story: I love the morale of the story. The grandmother's life experience changes something in a young man. It's a traditional Christmas story, and even though the morale appears conventional, it's fresh and avoiding the tear-jerking soppiness that appears to be inherent to the genre.

Plot: There's one major ingredient missing from the story, which explains my rating, that is not overly enthusiastic. It's conflict. The young man drives to his grandmother, we never learn his reasons, his grandmother tells him the story of her childhood, and he acts on a different motivation after it. Hey, you've got a character arc here. It's great. But I want to see Jason grow. I want to see what happens inside him. Where is he coming from.

For example, Jason is really a Christmas hater. He thinks it's all commercial. He might hate all that talk about helping the poor, he might think it's hypocritical. Or something. I'm not trying to make suggestions here. I'm just trying to illustrate my point. I think if the grandmother had to overcome some obstacles in changing Jason's mind, the story would be stronger. It might even strengthen the moral message of the story.

Characters: The grandmother is described in detail and with loving care. She comes off the page vivid and alive. Yet, I think you are telling more than you show. Her preoccupation with food for example. It is such a typical feature of the after war generation. But you tell it. I think the grandmother should be more insistent that Jason eats. And you could show the satisfaction on her face when he does. I don't think she would accept a no that easily.

You describe her dishes with great care, yet they have no relevance for the story. Either, I would find a way to integrate them, or cut out some of the descriptions. I don't say you should cut all of it, just all that's simply reinforcing the image. Her care and love for beautiful things should be there, just more sparingly. It's enough to give the information once.

Jason remains a little pale, even though he's the pov of the story. You give some inside information about him at the beginning and at the end, but the center part of the story belongs to the grandmother. If you rethought the plot, you should keep in mind that it's Jason's inner conflict that would drive the plot onward.

Voice: Here's just another tool in the box that could make the story even more alive. Try to write the story as Jason would, even if you are writing in third person. His word choice and syntax would put the reader very firmly into his head - and what's better on his side.

Description: You've done a great job with describing the setting. I would cut down some of the details as I've said before, but I felt that in your descriptions lay the greatest strength of the story.

Language: I'd like to go through the story and comment on sentences that I noticed.

The sub-freezing external temperature was already seeping in, eliminating the cozy warmth of the car and ruining his revelry.
*Note2* There's a typo in the last word. The rest I'd cut. It's self-evident that the cold temperature comes from the outside, and the second part I highlighted is implied by the first part of the sentence.

Jason closed the door behind him, shutting out the cold.
*Note2* Again, I'd cut because it's self-evident.

in the melodic way she always sang his name.
*Note2* I loved this line. I wondered if you could put it to use later in the story when the grandmother is speaking.

“So, how’s college?”
*Note2* There's a lot of small talk in the beginning of the story that doesn't relate to the plot. If you made Jason eat while his grandmother is wrapping the gift you could tighten the plot and make the story more dense.

Nona was sitting on the powder blue settee.
*Note2* I'd avoid the past progressive. Anyway, she's just entered the room, so in any case "sat down" would fit better.

We would be so excited!
*Note2* The conditional is okay in the sentence before because you describe a routine. But I think this sentence could be more emotional if you went for simple past for the rest of the paragraph.

She picked out a gift tag and wrote simply Love, Santa.
*Note2* As Stephen King would say, the adverb is not your friend. Cut mercilessly.

he was standing in front of the Angel Tree
*Note2* Again I'd go for simple past.

A wonderful Christmas story with great potential. I hope you will consider rewriting it. I'd love to come back and rerate. *Smile*

You are the best judge of your story. If you think, I'm wrong then I probably am.

Best wishes,

Anne

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9
9
Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Gabriella,

I think it's befitting that you should receive my first review as a Rising Star.

First Impressions: Haiku is such a dense form, you can enter only snippets of thoughts, but they can have such a strong impact. Yours encapsulate images from nature beautifully. Some of them are really strong.

Content: Like in all haikus, you can center only on a single impression or movement in nature. You usually apply the old Japanese rule, too, that the poem should give a hint to the season in which it occurs.

I particularly liked the beer cans in the second poem. They serve as a powerful reminder of the presence of humans, but don't interfere with the fish's movement. Another strong image was the falling of ripe apples at night.

Two more favorites: The poem about frogs. You use hardly any filling words here, making the imagery strong and alive.

The one that starts with: "Dawn's milky showers". You engage ears and eyes, giving a beautiful image of fall.

Form: Keeping the syllable count is difficult if you need to insert one more into a line that seems perfect without it. I'll go through the poems and comment on particular lines.

at summer's end, fields
painted gold;
*Note3* I like it better when you show me the end of the summer instead of telling me like in the following words. You waste for syllables on the time!

creating havoc
*Note3* In the line before, you describe a connection between the gravestones, and I wish you'd tell me more about it. For me, the havoc is unconnected to the rest in the poem. (But that is of course my personal impression.

In this polished stone
*Note3* What polished stone? The pronoun doesn't explain anything, and it doesn't describe.

signals the closing of day
welcoming darkness
*Note3* The potential of the poem is weakened by too many syllables for the time of the day. You could describe more colorfully what the bird song signifies to you if you cut a bit.

to face the warm sun
*Note3* I find the adjective a tad conventional.

warming my cold hands and feet,
*Note3* The verb tells it already, so maybe, you could find a more telling modifier.

I can see your love for nature, and your ability to observe it. You chose wonderful details to describe the phenomenons around you. *Smile*

This is my personal take on your poem. You are its best judge. If you think I'm wrong, then I probably am.

Best wishes,

Anne

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10
10
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Time Traveler,

You are in the Author's Spotlight for the "The WDC Angel Army" , so I had a peek at your port.

Story: You did indeed create a typical Hercule Poirot situation, all the suspects are gathered after a murder, and the identity of the murderer is revealed. You showed great care for detail, and your old-fashioned style makes the set-up of the story believable and draws me in.

Plot: The set-up of the story reminds me of a trial room play. You don't start with the primary event that gets the ball rolling, the scene analyzes the past. In consequence, you've got to provide a lot of back-story; actually, the whole story is about back-story.

The parlor scene is structured by the introduction of the characters - or rather suspects. That's what you do in your story, you set them up until in the end the murderer is revealed. That way, you make the reader a detective who can put his money on one of them and afterwards wait impatiently for the resolution.

I've got two problems with your story. Firstly, your resolution comes too fast. After the set-up of the suspects you should make them interact. The reader might shift their attention to another suspect, and they could correct their guesses when someone acts in a particularly suspicious way. To put it in musical terms: you've done the exposition and the recapitulation, but the development of the theme is missing. Admittedly, that would make the story a lot longer. IMO, satisfying mysteries indeed tend to be because you need some time to lead the reader astray.

Your resolution comes with a deus ex machina. The Findlay Table does not show up in the story before, neither do you introduce its significance for the perpetrator. In consequence, the reader has no chance to guess; you withhold vital information. That makes the reader feel cheated and it takes a lot of joy out of reading a mystery. I suspect the Findlay Table is the one you introduce at the beginning with the sun beam resting on it, but that doesn't explain its meaning within the story and for the characters.

I would like to remind you, too, that the solution of a mystery involves a moral statement of the author. The simple and clichéd act of arresting the culprit, bringing him to justice, shows how the author thinks it should be done. Other possible endings imply different messages: letting the murderer get away with it, suicide of the murderer. I wondered about your message. The culprit dies when he sees that his plan has failed. It appears to be doubly ironic. He's not only outwitted by the victim, he dies (obviously of natural causes) when the object of his desire still seems within his reach. I personally think that the two twists cancel each other out. I wondered what is your goal, showing the fruitlessness of criminal plotting because of the intelligence of their adversaries, or because a just fate will intervene? To be frank, I like the first message better.

Character: Your characters remain pale mostly for two reasons: They don't speak and interact much (yeah, that missing development), and all we know about them is information about their past.

Maizee is attractively greedy, but the others don't appear to have an agenda. It would heighten the suspense of the story if you gave everyone of your suspects a reason to be there, to have some interest in the heritage.

Grantham just has an interesting past, but he especially, should give reason for speculation.

I was surprised at the knowledge of the attorney that one of the persons present had murdered the victim. You don't tell us how he knows.

Description: Your descriptions and your historical style are the main attractions of the story. You choose details that show the atmosphere. Your choice of words enlivens the story and offer a fresh look on a seemingly familiar scene. You don't rely on hackneyed terms to render character, you choose new ones and you choose them wisely. Well done. *Smile*

Language: As I've said in the paragraph before I think highly of your prose. Still, some of the sentences caught my eye. Don't mind my nit-picking, please.

A stray beam of late-afternoon sunlight stretched across the conservatory floor toward the side table, hunched like a cowered troll...
*Note2* Maybe, it's me, but on the first read I thought it was the sun beam that hunched, but it's the table isn't it? Maybe, you could change the sentence structure (and take the chance to introduce the importance of the table).

A sprightly 101, Mimi’s departure from this life had not occurred...
*Note2* An attribute in the first position can only relate to the subject, which is departure, so the sentence doesn't make sense. I dislike the this, too. It does convey this over-delicacy with terms of death I associate with the time you describe, but it made me wonder how many lives you were thinking about.

Her maid Ella had found Mimi...
*Note2* You ought to check the use of tenses in this paragraph. There's a lot of past perfect, and the sentences refer to different points of time in the story. The last sentence is actually the earliest, but it's in simple past.

she then went immediately to the conservatory,
*Note2* You've got two temporal adverbs in this sentence, and you don't need "then".

belladonna-deadly nightshade
*Note2* Again, you didn't tell us what that signifies. Apart from being a rather old-fashioned means to poison someone, the murdering method could give us a hint to the murderer.

The five(,) gathered in a rough semicircle(,) in the study looked occasionally at him,
*Note2* The commas are missing.

I realize how painful this is for all of you as family members and friends; but the terms...
*Note2* You can replace the semicolon with a comma; the following sentence starts with a conjunction.

...as he said “how painful,” as he knew...
*Note2* That's a bit repetitive.

Maizee Oveltree Whitaker interrupted, spinning in her cushioned Victorian armchair, pointing toward the former maid Ella, sitting in solitude in the back of the room,
*Note2* The parallel construction seems to indicate the identity of the subject though it doesn't. I still find it advisable to vary the structure.

demanded the granddaughter of Mimi's younger sister Marsha by a distant Oveltree cousin.
*Note2* Frankly, all that family relations were beyond me. I got confused with the distant cousin. Whose cousin? Why distant? She's Mimi's grand-niece. You said so in the first part.

Maizee had descended from some money...
*Note2* ...on her mother's side, I presume, since we just learned she had descended from Mimi's parents.

In his later years, Grantham had settled down somewhat; or more accurately had calmed down.
*Note2* Comma instead of semicolon. No complete sentence follows.

by his houseman Manfred, who had accompanied him today, and was also present for the reading of the will.
*Note2* I'd cut that. The information is implied in his presence.

Maisee
*Note2* There are actually three different spellings of that name: Maizee, Maisee, Maize.

Despite all my nagging, I think, you've got quite a gem here. I'd love to reread the story, especially if you considered to add some development to the story. *Smile*

This is my personal take on your story. You are the best judge. If you think I'm wrong, then I probably am.

Best wishes,

Anne

"The Ventriloquist CLOSED" 

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11
Review of Waiting In My Car  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear mars,

Review #10 for Anne's Angel Anniversary Award

Contents: The atmosphere in the poem is very strong. They big grey clouds above and the people walking below. You've created a good contrast that makes the poem come alive. You evoke strong emotion with your use of images. Well done!

Form: Let me nag a little.

Chasing their destiny.
*Note3* The clouds chasing their destiny. That line's a bit enigmatic, especially if I consider that the destiny seems to be running away from the clouds. Doesn't destiny chase us? I simply find the image unclear, and I don't really know what you want to say with it.

Stroll their time away.
*Note3* I wasn't altogether happy with the word "stroll". It appears so casual as if the people in the poem do not relate to the clouds at all. Wouldn't there be wind? Wouldn't the people be uncomfortable? Would they stroll, or hurry? Maybe, you could make the relation between the people and the atmosphere stronger.

A traffic jam of clouds;
*Note3* A very strong image. But I'd replace the semicolon with a comma. A semicolon goes between complete sentences, and you've got only fragments.

It was a priviledge reviewing you! I'll come back to your port! *Smile*

Best wishes,

Anne

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12
Review of Mist  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Dear mars,

Review #9 for Anne's Angel Anniversary Award

Contents: You've described depression with absolute accuracy. The image of mist, of fading color, it's what every depressed person will tell you. It's got a very strong emotional impact, and here you really do it right. You give an image, not a general description. Very well done, Maria!

Form:There's only one line, I don't feel comfortable with.

For a moment it brightens up,
*Note3* Grammatically, the it refers to the sun inside you, but that doesn't go well with the content. Does the sun brighten up? Or the "weather", the atmosphere? Maybe, you could find a more explicit word.

A very, very good poem! *Smile*

Best wishes,

Anne

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13
Review of Drinking Memories  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear mars,

Review #8 for Anne's Angel Anniversary Award

Contents: I approve totally. Often it's not the shiny, precious things we value, but something like B-choice cups because they link us to emotional experience. I think, though, you shouldn't tell me, you should show it. Instead of saying it's a memory could you give an image that makes it clear to me? You did this with the trip across Mother Sea, but i still got a feeling you are telling and not showing. Where was the cup at that point? Where's the link between the cup and the trip? Give me a visual.

Form: I like the form, too. Every line holds more information than the one before.

Since they
Hold more than just a soothing drink:
*Note3* This is one of the lines that tell instead of showing. What is the more?

Precious memories from London and
*Note3* Yeah, I know. You do write what is the more. But again, give me an example. Write what's the content of the memories. Memories is too general.

The B-choice cups grabbed my attention. It's a well chosen detail. *Smile*
Best wishes,

Anne

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14
14
Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear mars,

Review #7 for Anne's Angel Anniversary Award

Contents: I can see the horses running. My favorite word in the poem is motion. Yeah, there's motion in your poem.

Form:I had to look up a cinquain. Hadn't got the foggiest what that was. Then I counted the syllables and found that you followed the rules to perfection.

Still there are two lines, I'd like to comment on.

All emotion
*Note3* I like the line. The emotional part is the one you want to show. Emotion is just such a general term, and I favor concrete words.

See their strong expressions
*Note3* This is the line I struggle with most. I'd way rather see a strong expression. Actually, the line before wouldn't register as too general if you put something concrete into this line. The following two lines give the means of expressing emotion, could you give an image in this one?

Before my eyes, I see a horses head bobbing up, and a few impatient steps. *Smile*

Best wishes,

Anne

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Review of Time Puzzle  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear mars,

Review #6 for Anne's Angel Anniversary Award

Contents: The paradox of time, a beautiful issue. It reminds me of my philosophy classes at university. And I like it that you relate it to the human time frame.

Form: Again there are a few adverbs that I'd cut.

Ever is just a click,
Or is it a vast expanse?
*Note3* There's not just the "just" that I'd cut. Actually, I'd rephrase the whole question. It would match the rhythm of the other stanzas better. Like this? Just an idea.
Is ever a click,
or a vast expanse?

Even the scientists now proved Your point,
*Note3* Two adverbs in one line. You need the "even", but you can safely lose the "now". For the context of the poem it doesn't matter when the scientists proved it. And I dislike the similar sound to know in the following line. It's too close without a connection between the words.

Could I have Your no time,
*Note3* I'm not sure about this. I get your point. God's and my no time are two very different things. But the sentence sounds ungrammatical. May I suggest something else?
Had I no time like You,

I enjoyed following you into the depth of philosophy. *Smile*

Best wishes,

Anne

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Review of Not The Mirror  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear mars,

Review #5 for Anne's Angel Anniversary Award

Contents:Oh, I can identify with your "solution" of the problem, not looking at it. The poem is rounded. You start out with the weight, your narrator's feelings about heavy people, her way to adjust, and end with the central feeling, the shame.

Form: The poem reads like prose, and I can easily believe that it was a free writing exercise. Yet the feelings get across clearly

Two scales I need,
*Note3* I'm not really sure whether I like or dislike the first stanza. It's full of inversions, and that makes for an unnatural read. On the other hand, I do understand what you've done, and why you wanted to put phrases like "unspeakably heavy" and "like a human elephant" in front.

Maybe, you could play around a bit. The poem lives with the choice of everyday words, and I think that should be reflected in the structure.

Be only me,
soul without body.
*Note3* Now this is a call of judgment. If you want to emphasize that your self is your soul and not your body, then you can leave the word in. I think the sentence is stronger without the "me". It means that the narrator loses something when she defines herself without the body. When I consider the shame that appears at the end of the poem, I believe that is realistic.

It's a very sad poem, and very intense. *Smile*

Best wishes,

Anne

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Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear mars,

Review #4 for Anne's Angel Anniversary Award

Contents: What a strong emotion of inadequacy! It's very vividly rendered.

Form: My thoughts circle mostly around the form of the poem. Even though it's written in free verse, you follow very strict rules, and I liked that a lot. The inner structure of the poem is very strong, and that holds the message together.

but-thus-cause
*Note3* The conjunctions structure the poems very effectively, very strong feature. I'm not so sure about the structure within the parts. In the -cause- part, you give three ways the narrator defines herself, as a wife, a mother, an individual. It might strengthen the poem if you organized the other stanzas analogously.

In the first part, the same structure is there, though in a different order. Here you start with mother/daughter relationship, then caring (husband?), and finally the wishes for herself as an individual.

But especially in the -thus- part, I can't see which stanza relates to one in the other parts. If you chose a parallel structure, you might be able to make the threads that link the parts stronger.

I still wish
I am just
I should now
I so wish
*Note3* Uh, all these little adverbs. You repeat them for emphasis, but I find they weaken your message. Frankly, I'd cut them all though the "still" is a legitimate choice. It shows a lack of maturity that you want to convey, and it contrasts with the "now" in the third part. But I'm adamant about the "just" and the "so". They don't help you. They work against you.

SPOILT
*Note3* Is that what you mean? What you describe in the poem sounds more like feeling inadequate or immature. I wouldn't describe a person who suffers so much as spoilt.

I simply hope you aren't describing your own feelings because you could only be wrong. *Smile*

Best wishes,

Anne

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Review of Erased  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Dear mars,

Review #2 for Anne's Angel Anniversary Award

Contents: You've created a powerful metaphor for the ending of a friendship. The pencil writing stands for the friendship, the casual use of an eraser for an end that hurts. I like the blowing off at the end. It's like scattering ashes, no memory remains.

Form:The poem is strong because of its prose like language. It underlines the casual act of ending the friendship.

Carefully she wiped
away what was written.
*Note3* I'd set the "away" in the line above. It belongs there regarding content as well as sentence structure.


*Note3*

Then she blew them off.
*Note3* Even in so short a poem, I'd recommend a cut. In most cases, "then" adds nothing to a sentence. The sequence of events is shown effectively by the organization of the sentences.

This is a very powerful and emotional poem. I can feel your pain. *Smile*

Best wishes,

Anne

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19
Review of Her days...  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Dear mars,

Review #1 for Anne's Angel Anniversary Award

Contents: This is a very modest eulogy. You start with describing your vices, then move on to the things you've accomplished. The pebble becomes a metaphor for the anonymity of your life and for your optimism.

The poem is sweet. And it has a strong voice. I've got a feeling I know you. In some stanzas I would have liked more details, like the one about the children. That is very general. What I'd like is a more concrete image of you and your children. Trying to be their mom? What means being a mother to you? Maybe you could be more concrete.

Form: You chose a rather strict form for the poem. The second and the fourth line rhyme, and your rhythm is mostly iambic. But the rhythm breaks frequently, and that disturbed the flow.

Living at tortoise pace.
*Note3* I'm aware of the prompt, and that you couldn't use the word life. But it would fit the rhythm better. BTW, I loved the tortoise. It's a good image.

Thus taking things easy
*Note3* You like words like "thus" and "yet". They have an old-fashioned taste and render a feeling of nostalgia. They don't match with the ordinary words you use.

For them always struggling
To avoid from the slum.
*Note3* These lines sound rather unnatural. I'd rethink these lines. Maybe, you could find a telling detail

Riverbeds full of pebbles,...
*Note3* This is my favorite stanza. You evoked a beautiful image using your metaphor to its fullest effect.

I enjoyed the poem very much. It really made me wish to know more about you. *Smile*

Best wishes,

Anne

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Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear Kiya,

I promised I'd read it, so here we are.

Story: The warning in your blog that we should take our sense of humor with us was well applied. This was hilarious. Delusions are usually funny for the outsider, though my bet is one wouldn't want to be caught in one. I immediately bought the father's funny delusion. I took it as an exaggeration of an attitude that actually exists though I did have trouble to back it up when I searched the net.

But I do believe it exists, and I think it's funny how we can't choose who we are loyal to. Because of skin color, birthplace, language, gender or religion we are assumed to take a side. Marion is funny because he takes a side that is so obviously against his nature. Of course, he wouldn't be accepted by a white racist though they might use the same arguments. That makes him a tragic character, too.

I simply loved the craziness in that family. The grandparents, and the way the family deals with them.

Point-of-View: But your strongest asset is Melissa. You captured the voice of a thirteen year old, writing an essay, very well. It's hard to describe her attitude. She's aware that her family is not exactly normal, but on the other hand the craziness of her family is normal to her. This is what makes her so convincing and so real. I can see her coming home from school, starting to hide her school self, and becoming the family Melissa again, intent to avoiding conflicts with her father.

Language: I'll comment on a couple of sentences.

When he’s not on the road, you are most likely to find him before the T.V,
*Note* I think there's either a period missing, or one too many.

Unfortunately, the only good plumber around here was a black person (Mr. Donald),
*Note* To me this sounds overly delicate. Melissa is so used to talks about black people, I doubt she'd feel obliged to add "person" to it. She uses black, black folks, African-American in other places. Well, to me, black person sounds like something a white liberal would say who's got to stress that a black is actually a person. (You know, like me *Wink* )

I loved this story. You explore a different form of short story, basically without a plot, and I enjoyed the read very much. I'm still laughing at the Sudan. Melissa lives on in my heart; you haven't created a character, you've created a person. *Smile*

This is my personal take on your story. You are the best judge of your story. If you think I'm wrong, then I probably am.

Best wishes,

Anne

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21
Review of House of Wax  
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Lynn,

Got a bit of time tonight, so I thought I read this.

Story: Ah, singing your heroes, are you? Great, I love it. Poe's one of my heroes, too. And then you tie his death with the beginning of the Civil War, very well done. Great plotting. The genre "the opus that was never published" is a tricky one, and you master it well. Great, great job!

Plot: The first scene is masterfully done. You start with the news of Pennsylvania's secession and then introduce the poet's. It's all done smoothly, and I was eager to read on.

The following scene gives the background on the poem, and I think it's the weakest scene in the story. Partly it has to do with your style in the journals, and partly it is because I don't believe Laughton's reactions. Do you get goosebumps because you read the words of a dead tormented soul? I didn't, and that is probably why I don't believe Laughton. And if he's so hard-headed and mercenary, wouldn't he reason that goosebumps away? Wouldn't he reason that the wind brought in a chill, that it has nothing to do with the poem?

Writing the journal of a real, though deceased poet is a dangerous undertaking because it's difficult to avoid the false notes. You'll have read your Poe, and so have I. So, this is probably my interpretation of Poe's character that clouds my judgment.

So, this is how I see him: Clearly, Poe was obsessed. He had periods of alcohol abuse and depression, and he often felt he wasn't in control of his life. "The Imp of the Perverse", he called it, not only in fiction, but in real life, too. But on the other hand, there was a stunning rationality about him. Isn't "The Raven" an example for his depressive, obsessed mind? I've read an essay by Poe in which he argues that it didn't come from inside at all, that he had aesthetic criteria for describing the feeling of melancholia. He even argues the woman in the poem had to be called Leonore because the the syllable -ore could convey melancholia best.

The rational part of Poe is the one I missed. I'd have expected him to analyze himself painstakingly. If he'd written a poem without ever correcting it, I believe it would have been a disconcerting experience for him.

I liked his change of feeling toward the poem though. I recognize him in your style.

I like the in-between scene mostly because it changes the mood. It's light and easy, even though the sky foretells trouble.

The church scene is of course my favorite. It's wonderfully gothic. All that lightening - though (nag,nag) I thought sometimes you were overdoing it a little. I'll get to it when I get to the language part.

There's one plot point though. Why is the church the place Laughton thinks of? You haven't introduced it earlier, and I didn't find that point compelling. What's Poe's connection to that place? Maybe you could come up with something.

In the end, you committed my pet peeve again (you know which one, so no spoilers). Could you soften the blow by identifying your final character with Laughton? If you began the final scene with the concrete fear that ends the last one, the transition could be smoother. Just a thought.

Character: I think you could do a bit more on Laughton. He's in for the money - and changes. That is really good. But I'd like to know a little more how his mind works. You do that rather by telling than by showing. I think I've mentioned it before, but I think there's room in that journal reading scene. Maybe, you could set up some inner conflict for Laughton, so the scene could be more than just the background for the poem.

Description: Splendid job with the weather. You've really used the outside to create the atmosphere of the story. My favorite sentence is: Morning dawned dry but dark. Poe-eske.

Maybe, you could leave out a lightening or two. I love them. They are so gothic. But (don't you hate that word) even there, you could have a look again to avoid repetition. You use once again several times, and to me that is a warning signal that you are repeating yourself.

Language: You know the drill. Nagging and cutting.

Edward Laughton knew all this as he entered the crowded Fells Point pub,...
*Note* My discontent centers around the pronoun because the antecedent is the whole paragraph. It's not precise, and it doesn't tell much. You want to introduce Laughton as a poet, but I think you can do without the first sentence.
Edward Laughton entered the crowded Fells Point pub,...

Laughton knew the truth about the poem, however, though he’d never tell Davis.
*Note* That's like a double but. I think it would be better if you restructured it.
Laughton would never tell Davis the truth about the poem.

Rising, he turned on the gas lamp and went over to the desk by the window, turning on that lamp as well and sitting down
*Note* In your stories, a lot of things happen at the same time. Of course, he has to get up in order to get to the desk, but I can supply it, can't I? I'm not going to assume he moved in his bed. So, I'd leave the beginning out. Then there's the second lamp. Yes, he would have two lamps, but I hate getting information twice. You think you could find a way to make this sentence more compact?

“Cristabel Lee.”
*Note* Annabelle (I love that poem.)

The Fall of the House of Escher.
*Note* Usher. Oh, and is there a reason why you quoted stories and poems in a different manner? Is it a standard I'm unaware of?

Why?
Laughton couldn’t understand it. When he’d found his friend’s journal later that week, however, it became clearer.
*Note* The "why" is enough to introduce the journal. And I don't think you need the "however".

hoping to “gain surcease from sorrow”,
*Note* That's a no-no. I don't think that any poet would quote from his most famous poem in his journal. Quoth the reviewer: "Nevermore."

icy fingers lay themselves along my spine as a cold sweat moistens my brow.
*Note* That's Lynn McKenzie, not Edgar Allan Poe. I'd try "and"

How could I have done this? I can’t even remember what I wrote as I wrote it.
*Note* The format error. The end is not in italics.

I had thought I was free. I had burned that poem before Christmas, and did not rewrite it. All seemed well.
*Note* We know that. Don't repeat it. Leave it out.

Frederick Lee cleared his throat, rose and ascended the steps to the pulpit as the crowd quieted, fixing their collective eyes on him.
*Note* On of your ases. It should be the other way around. The crowd quits as he climbed the pulpit, so I'd start a fresh sentence.
Frederick Lee cleared his throat, rose and ascended the steps to the pulpit. The crowd quieted, fixing their collective eyes on him.

It is perhaps the most unsettling poem hitherto discovered by Mr. Poe,...
*Note* This is ambiguous. I think you've got to move Mr. Poe ahead.It is perhaps the most unsettling poem by Mr. Poe hitherto discovered,...


As if to punctuate, light flashed brightly through the windows with a crash of thunder almost simultaneously.
*Note* I dislike the comment. I think the effect of the lightening would be stronger without. And I'd cut out the lightening before. It spoils the effect.

And as he spoke, the sharp scent of smoke tinged the air as a beam cracked in the ceiling.
*Note* I'd leave it out.

...summoning all his strength as he flung it at the glass.
*Note* There are more ways to construct the sentence.
...summoning all his strength to fling it at the glass.

Laughton stared at the mayhem as women screamed, darting back and forth like wild horses.
*Note* We've been with Laughton for the whole time. i think you can leave it out.


Don't mind all my nagging. This story is very strong. *Smile*

This is my personal take on your story. You are the best judge of your story. If you think I'm wrong, then I probably am.

Best wishes,

Anne

"The Ventriloquist CLOSED" 

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22
22
Review by Anne Light
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dear arakun,

May is member appreciation month, and I'm driving through your port.

Story: The story is interesting funny and twisted. I enjoyed the read very much.

Plot: The story is well plotted. The events unfold logically.

I've spotted one inconsistency. Why is the ring still on the hand? If the killer wanted it, he should have taken some time to cut it off. Come to think of it, he should have cut the finger off in the first place. It's way easier to cut off a single finger than a hand; it'd have saved him some time.

Character: Stella and Larry are beautifully described. Stella is actually too stereotypical to be true, and of course she isn't. Larry appears to be simple-minded, I'm not entirely sure you intended this.

Mike could use some more characteristics. You do give information about him, like he doesn't usually read the news-paper, and feels he's sounding like his grandfather, but it doesn't relate to the story. He's rather plucky in dealing with Stella and Larry, and maybe this could show when he buys the newspaper or so. He rarely ever appears flustered either. He's pretty cool throughout the encounter. May, you could find a way to give him a little more depth.

Voice: A way to add more depth could be to make his voice stronger. The way he perceives the situation could reflect in his words, his education in his sentence structure.

Language: The story flows easily, the sentence structure is clear and varied. There were a couple of descriptions that made me stumble, though.

"Mike didn't usually keep up on the news, but that headline caught his interest, so he bought one of the newspapers as he was leaving the store. " Leave it out. I wouldn't have thought he bought them all.

"cut off with a sharp instrument" Well, obviously.

Bloodthirsty mosquitoes...waiting impatiently for their next meal." I don't like it. Are mosquitoes waiting?

There are also a lot of repetitions that indicate your story could use some tightening. If you go through it with a fine comb, you'll surely find a different wording.

You turned a gruesome event into a light and entertaining story. Well done! *Smile*

Please feel free to ignore my comments if you think I missed the point. I know I do sometimes.

Best wishes,

Anne

"The Ventriloquist CLOSED" 

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23
23
Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear fyn,

May is Member Appreciation Month and I'm driving through your port.

Story: I loved the format of the story. The letters provide a wonderful opportunity for developing voice, don't they? You made me your captive from the beginning, and I kept reading with pleasure up to the end.

Plot: I enjoyed learning about the island and about the way the family settled into her life. The island was a beautiful theme that resonated through the letters. It had a particular appeal to me because I used to have a dream-island myself as a child. Unfortunately, swimming was forbidden there, so I could get thee only once - in a particular cold winter on ice-scates. *Wink*

A (very small) ugly but: I guessed early on how the story was going to end. You keep dropping hints, unreadable for an eight-year-old, but I was aware of what would happen. I think the reason is that the story is lacking conflict. There is nothing but the island that recurs in every letter. And then, the end is something that often happens in short-stories involving grandparents and children.

Point-of-View: Masterfully done. Masterfully done. You employ the letter format to its fullest effect.

Character: I loved Kira, the little tomboy. All the schemes and plans she has characterize her very well. The float, the poison ivy. I wish I had been that way. Kira jumps, or rather bounces, off the page vividly.

Grand is a bit too friendly for my taste. She could use an edge. She doesn't have a weak spot, even when she's ill, she's loving and doesn't care for herself. Maybe, a bit of impatience would do the trick. (Just a thought.)

Voice: Here's where you do the best work. Kira seems a bit literate and literary for her age, but I decided to buy it. It would have been terribly annoying to read through a number of carefully misspelled letters. The "gozintas" made me crack up. Fabulous. For most part (almost every that is), I found the way she relates her stories absolutely convincing.

Sometimes, you veered off into the voice of a grown up. "My island looks like it is sleeping cuddled under a snow blanket." This sentence has a fake feel to me. The snow blanket is a common simile and doesn't sound original, and cuddled sounds overcute. (Well, to me.)

"A little me-sized rowboat!" Again, I thought you were overdoing it. Do kids actually say "me-sized"?

Language: Apart from the examples mentioned above, the story is perfect. You are obviously a gifted and competent writer. I was impressed with the stringency of your prose.

This is good writing. I'll visit your port again if I may. *Smile*

Please feel free to ignore my comments if you think I missed the point. I know I do sometimes.

Best wishes,

Anne


"The Ventriloquist CLOSED" 

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Review by Anne Light
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Cat-Claws,

This is Member Appreciation Month, and I'm driving through your port. I found your reviewing contest, and saw that you desperately wanted a detailed review for this short-story. I'm neither a reader of fan-fiction, nor do I know "D.-Grayman", but I'll do my best. From my rather low rating, you can see that I think this piece needs more work.

Plot: Bad news first. The biggest problem I saw with this story lies in the beginning and the end. I think you've chosen the wrong time span for your story. It starts and ends too early. In the beginning there's no conflict, the boy sits in his room and reflects on his past and the relationships he has with other people. Forgive me my frankness, but I found it hard to get through. Once, the boy is outside the inn, the story gets going, and I read on with joy and pleasure.

What does the reader need to know before the boy meets the strange man in the park? To my thinking, it's just that his master leaves debts behind and that his coat is valuable for him. I'm not sure about the relationships he describes. Would somebody familiar with "D.-Grayman" recognize them? If so, you can leave it out.

You could tell a lot of the necessary back-story if you made the boy try to sneak out of the inn without being seen. (Just an idea to illustrate my thoughts!) The reader would want to know why he does that, and you'd have the opportunity to tell us.

At the end, you fade out of the story before having told the most interesting part. How is a boy going to beat the adult? How is he going to pay off his master's debts? I found that particularly disappointing. (But it also means, you got me in the end-I'm dying to read on!)

Point-of-View: You switched between following Allen and an omniscient narrator. During the abduction, the omniscient narrator appears suddenly, and I found that inconsistent. I wondered, though if Allen could mind-read. If so, tell me at one point. It would strengthen Allen's character. I'd prefer it though if you could play out the information in a scene. (Again, I'm not trying to put words into your mouth, I'm simply illustrating my thoughts.) The boy could interview the stranger, and the man could give him the information. That would make Allen more active, and the scene would be more colorful.

Character: Though we follow Allen throughout the story, he remains rather pale. Especially at the beginning, he is passive. I was rather surprised (happily!) that he showed cunning at the end. But even through most of his abduction, he doesn't do anything. He is mourning, that I understand, but I haven't got the feeling I got to know him. His master is so much more colorful, and he's absent in this story.

Language: In the first part of the story, I found the wording imprecise; there are a lot of fill-in words. In the second part, your prose becomes more confident and clear. I'm not going to give you suggestions about editing. I'd rather read the story a second time - after a revision.

Please don't think I disliked the story. I'd love to read about Allen playing cards with the man. I'm sure, if you reconsider the structure of the piece, the story will be a terrific read! And I'd want to be the first to know! *Smile*

Please feel free to ignore my comments if you think I missed the point. I know I do sometimes.

Best wishes,

Anne


"The Ventriloquist CLOSED" 

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Review by Anne Light
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Dear arya,

Welcome to Writing.com, and welcome to the Angel Army. April is Member Appreciation Month, so I'm driving through your port.

Story: This story could be the beginning of a novel. You describe the starting-point of a certainly interesting and colorful career. I particularly liked the the setting in India, and I wish you had given more detailed descriptions about it.

Plot: Allow me to nag a bit. The beginning of the story does not really relate to the life-changing moment that happens later in the day. You go in medias res when in the end we learn that the story is told at least several years later. I would suggest that you start with your narrator stating his celebrity (without giving away what made him famous), then tell the story how he got fired. You could high-light the conflict of conscience, too. That was a strong aspect of your story.

I wish you'd tell us more about being out of work in India. It would be a perfect opportunity to show aspects of life there, and it would stress your character's lack of alternatives.

Character: Though the piece is short, you've created a deep and intriguing character. He's an honest person and faces a decision that goes against his values. What I liked best was his ego. He is an insignificant office boy, but has dreams of going down in history. It makes him real and believable.

Language: I think that this story could use some polishing. Some of the sentences appear clumsy because you've repeated words. I'm sure you can find a way to tighten the structure. You can use sentence structure and vocabulary as well to make your character even more distinct.

Mechanics: A few words concerning your presentation: I've seen a few typos and punctuation errors you can easily fix. I would recommend that you cut the elliptical dots in the title and in the story. If you want to keep them, don't make that many. Three periods suffice for an ellipse, four if the ellipse is at the end of the sentence.

This is a great start as an author, and I hope I will be reading another story by you soon! *Smile*

Please feel free to ignore my comments if you think I missed the point. I know I do sometimes.

Best wishes,

Anne

"The Ventriloquist CLOSED" 

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