|Awesome. Really, first rate work. I'd love to read more. The opening is my favorite part. You mix action with exposition in an engaging way. When I read the proposal, I thought "Oh, great. A Sookie Stackhouse ripoff," but the similarities end at the fact that your main character is a telepathic woman. It's dark, edgy, and very well written.
One of the things I wasn't so hot about were the thoughts that Evelyn hears. For example, "Please. I don’t want to die," sounds a little too well-formed to be in a stream of consciousness (and please forgive me, this is just the sort of obnoxious comment I hate getting... I know you know what you're doing, but bear with me). The words that run through people's heads aren't necessarily grammatically correct. Especially not when we're terrified, like Chloe is here. If my life was in danger, my mind would probably be running more along these lines: "oh god please no oh f*** oh s*** don't let him please god get away bastard f***ing i'll fight til i die you bastard"
One more thing. I love your fast-paced beginning, and the sexually tense dialogue between the two women that follows, but I think there needs to be a breather in between these scenes. Where we get to know a little but more about the characters, especially Evelyn. By the time the chapter ends, I know that Evelyn a) is telepathic. b) goes to college. c) has got guts. d) works as an assistant teacher. e) isn't very popular. But I'm not sure about who she really is – where she came from, what she wants, what she'll do when she gets what she wants, etc. This might be extraneous, and for all I know you may be exploring it in a chapter I haven't seen yet, but in any case I think it's missing.
Anyway, hope my feedback was helpful. It's a great piece, truly, one of the best I've come across lately on WDC. I'd very much like to see more.