Hey there!
This is a grammatically sound story, highly intriguing, and certainly a cross-genre/inter-disciplinary piece! I found it to be both a political critique (or study) and a meditation on different interests/occupations (With a little romance mixed in on the side.) Below I have listed my suggestions. Please keep in mind that this is my personal opinion, and I did enjoy reading your story - the cheesy romance lines especially!
Critiques:
- To begin, is it necessary to state that this nation is "fictitious?" (As seen in the line, "...the small, yet wealthy and fictitious nation...") For whatever reason, this took me out of the story, only because even though the piece is fiction, by writing it you have created a believable world - calling it "fictitious" sort of demeans the connection the reader may have to the events within this world.
- Before the line, "After what only felt like a few minutes...," I suggest indenting to create a new paragraph in order for the passage of time between the beginning and end of the ceremony is allowed to breathe/settle.
- Do you need both phrases in the line, "Can do. Sounds good..."? Removing one would have the same effect on the passage, and make the story more concise.
- I am a huge stickler for repetition, and in the following segment, "She approached the security checkpoint and presented her completed background check to the guard.... She passed through the topiary-filled grounds and arrived at the front entrance of the palace. She tentatively knocked on the door...," you have used "She" three times to open sentences. I recommend playing with the phrasing a little to vary the structure of the sentences, and thus engage the reader a tad more. (There are a couple more places within the passage that could do with the same correction - just break up the formatting a little more.)
- In the line, "She prerecorded the show, putting the music and dialogue on a CD.," I suggest adding in "had" before "prerecorded" in order to set the tense of the sentence.
- Naberg seems to accept the apparition's appearance just a little too easily. The line that I think would help bring the reader into the President's emotional conflict if altered reads, "I don't want to deal with this, but I sense that I have to, he thought..." Perhaps instead of the President following the apparition with a regretful "duty calls" attitude (which I associate more with a response to one of his children wetting the bed and calling for him to fix it,) a different sort of reaction may develop the President's character a little more. Would he not be terrified and worry for his family if he refuses the ghost's demand? Or perhaps he is intrigued and follows the ghost out of curiosity. Either way, involving an emotional reaction to the otherworldly experience will help add to his character.
- The sentence, "You know, don't you, that he banged his campaign secretary? I can't stand him," said Alicia...," is reading strangely. The "don't you" feels like it should come at the beginning of the sentence, or just be eliminated all together as it currently impedes the flow of the line.
"Don't you know that he banged his campaign secretary?" is also a bit more accusatory than what is written and may fit more with Alicia's forward-speaking character (at least from my perspective.)
**On second read, the "don't you" is not as problematic as I originally thought, so either way, the point comes across.**
- The scene where Victoria is thinking about Narberg doesn't feel natural, almost like she is creating an argument or justifying her attraction to the President. I suggest rephrasing the paragraph so that it feels like she is talking to herself, not justifying her beliefs to the reader.
Referenced section: "I wonder what he's doing right now, she thought. He's the foxiest forty-something I've ever seen. I don't know quite what it is, but there's something about him that entrances me. Not only is he hot, but he's a hell of a leader. His policies just make sense, and I can tell he cares about his people. I heard he has bipolar, but he doesn't let that stop him from leading the country well. I respect people who don't let their issues stop them from doing what they need to do."
I also suggest adding in "disorder" after "bipolar" to complete the phrase since "bipolar" is not typically used as a synecdoche itself. Or, simply alter the phrase to "I heard he is bipolar...".
- Great character development here! - "This career is the only way I can give the kids a better upbringing than [what] I had," said Gabriel." This one line certainly gives us an insight into the life of Narberg without diving too far into detail.
- I was going to bring up the extremely lax security presented in the story, but the line " DeLorea is not known for its security..." dissuaded me. I must add though, I still do not understand why Narberg would eat a random box of eggs sitting at the front steps of his palace without a trusted staff giving background information or a reasonable explanation for why it is safe to eat,(and also why he would open his own door if he lives in a palace? Even if he isn't royalty, he is the most important official in the country and I would assume someone else would be there to receive visitors.) I'm thinking a discrepancy with packages may make a little more sense, such as the President is expecting a package and the courier thinks the package on the step is the correct one and hands it to him as the President is leading Victoria down the hall to the living room to have her oversee where he will place the painting. (This way the package comes from a trusted employee, and Victoria is present for the mix-up and is forced to put two and two together as she is inside the palace instead of enjoying the egg on the front step.) - Just a thought.
- Why would Alicia tell Victoria about trying to assassinate the President? She knows her friend is in love with Narberg and readily defends him whenever they meet, and yet told her, the one person who might actually turn her in to prevent treason? This was just a little illogical, especially since Victoria then flat out tells the President about Alicia, without reacting to the horrible act Alicia has just committed, or considering the consequences of betraying her friend. I suggest adding in a couple sentences of emotional conflict here since Alicia, despite her actions, is still Victoria's friend.
- The reincarnation twist at the end was certainly surprising! Spending the afterlife as a cat would definitely be interesting!
To conclude, you have some very compelling characters; Victoria with her fascinating professions, and the President with his mysterious background and marital issues among other complexities. All I can add is that sometimes it feels as if you are writing two different stories; one where Victoria pines after the President and eventually makes her way into his life in the most unexpected way possible, and another where the President faces the issue of the pandemic and is forced to confront the political fallout while Victoria struggles in her own way with the pandemic. I suggest weaving her romantic attachment with the President throughout the pandemic portion of the story, since the romance is not really addressed for that entire section, and only picked up toward the end. This way the theme of "love in the time of the pandemic" is interspersed throughout and keeps the motion of Victoria's infatuation going.
With all that said, I did very much enjoy reading your story and look forward to exploring the rest of your portfolio! If you have any questions about my review, especially if I am unclear or have misinterpreted any parts of the passage, please feel free to contact me. I am happy to help in whatever way I can, and am willing to read anything else you may run by me.
Happy Writing! |
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