"park in front of the Millers’ house"
It should be "Miller's".
"just outside of the cordoned off area"
I would use "cordoned-off".
"woman who seemed to tower over him"
Did she tower over the slightly built man, or the State Trooper?
"now not only was his excavation being taken away from him, he wasn’t even permitted to be in the area"
The rest is in past tense, so you may need to reword this to make it consistent.
"The Chief Collins caught the trooper’s eye"
You don't need the 1st "the".
"I called, instinctively reaching up to smooth my eyebrows"
I'm not sure I'd use "instinctively" here, maybe "absently"?
"Dad’s oven mitted hands were holding"
I'd say "oven-mitted".
I suppose I should mention that my parents are writers. Separately, they are Nate and Hannah Waxman. Together they are bestselling romance author Anastasia Candlewick. I have a really hard time reading their stuff. I mean, they’re excellent writers, they really are. It’s just that I’d prefer not to think about them in that way.
Having this section in present tense kind of pulled me out a bit, since the rest is past tense.
"Dad started unloaded the bags"
It should be "unloading".
"takeout bag from Opa. I stand corrected."
There's that present tense sneaking in again!
"I adore Rachel, but she’s the biggest gossip in town. And since she works at the local salon, she has a lot of time to spend chatting with customers."
Present tense...
"I regretted my decision, during the 5 second dash to my car."
I'd remove the comma and spell out "five".
"It seems that Rachel wasn’t the only one"
Present tense
"some two bit kid had dropped"
I think it should be "two-bit", but I could be wrong.
"I drove by Burger King, and the cent gave me a yen for a quarter pounder and fries."
I'm not sure if Burger King is a pun, but quarter pounder made me think McDonald's.
"and a chased it down with a Corona"
You shouldn't have "a" before "chased".
Very interesting. Is this intended to be Chapter 1 of a novel? I'm intrigued about what changes she implements, and how Cohen's mother tries to thwart her. I'm also interested in her past and the changes she's made. And there's a divorce in there somewhere that wasn't from Cohen, right? There are a lot of unanswered questions in this piece that could be answered in a novel. I'm also looking forward to your NaNo "prequel" novel!
"CE’s been calling everyone to figure out who the heir is."
I didn't realize until later that CE referred to Cohen Enterprises.
“It’s not like Cohen will be there,” Paris said.
“I know that,” Sibyl said.
“You look good,” Paris said.
“Thanks,” Sibyl said.
You don't need the tag lines on every one of these, just enough so the reader can follow the conversation. There are several spots of dialogue in this piece that could be strengthened by removing some of these tags, or using action phrases instead of "so-and-so said".
"“How long ago did you know Mr. Cohen?” Lucas stared"
Missing period at the end.
"When Sibyl had left, she stopped talking about Cohen and her friends had respected that decision."
I thought at first that she'd left the room. I would say "left CE" to make it clearer.
"She sighed. Sibyl didn’t like her bedside manner."
I thought at first that Sibyl sighed, not the doctor.
"“He hated it that name, Mother,” Iola said."
Take out "it".
"At the very bottom in a large lump envelope"
Should that be "lumpy"?
"Three little seeds, turning into weeds"
I don't know about you, but I don't look fondly at most weeds. I would use something more positive, were it me.
"Six little voles, digging up some holes"
I know a vole is, but do most people? I'd personally use "mole" instead.
"Eight little llamas, looking for their mamas"
Okay, I actually giggled out loud at that one. That'd be a very cute illustration!
"Ten little sheep, falling fast asleep"
That makes it work as a "learn to count" book, and a bedtime story. Nice job! I can't wait for the illustrations!
"Was he reading my mind?"
I'd keep this present tense and say "Is he reading..."
"Rage, fear, Hunger, desire, panic, loneliness."
Since the Hunger is so important to this story, I wouldn't put it in this jumble of other emotions. I'd keep it separate.
This is a good start, but I feel like I'm missing Kyle's motivation to turn Lisa. Why wouldn't he have turned Kate? What makes Lisa so different? Also, you've made it clear that Lisa has an aversion to the site of blood. I would play that up. I can see this continuing into a longer work, with Lisa's struggle between the Hunger and her total aversion to blood. She would be a very unconventional vampire!
"quivered on her fingertip where she'd been bit"
It should be "bitten".
"Sarah's mouth fell open in stunned disbelieve."
It should be "disbelief".
"patting the girl on the back and ignoring Sarah all together."
It should be "altogether".
Okay, that ending is rather chilling. I love your descriptions and turns of phrases. You have such a way with words! I'm very glad I had the chance to read this piece.
Thank you very much for this article. This is really great real-world information for all of us who hope, someday, to see our names on a byline or the cover of a book. I'm adding this to My Favorites for future reference!
"In the corner of the shower, the vapors swirled as if being displaced by something that moved through it."
Vapors is plural, so it should be "displaced by something that moved through them".
"clear and reflecting a young teenagers bedroom"
You need an apostrophe in "teenager's".
"But every now again, a swirling entity"
It should be "every now and again", right?
Ooo, spooky little tale! I've always hated walking past mirrors in dim lighting, because I always think I see something!
It would be easier for all users here to read your work if you use a blank line between paragraphs. It's not necessary, but some with eyesight problems have an easier time reading with the spacing. You may get more reviews that way.
"having found their expectation to have been a foot too high in regards to the placement of Pascal’s head"
Very good phrasing here.
"There was a mild pause, then a beep."
I'm not sure that a pause can be mild.
"Mooky handed Pascal a pair of folded plaid boxer shorts, picked up a white undershirt, and went back to folding."
Ooooo, hit men who assist with laundry!
" didn’t realize that I so little left to eat"
It should be "that I had so little".
"Mooky and myself have often had very little money on which to eat with"
Isn't Mooky the one talking? I had the impression that Dubo doesn't speak...
"Pascal yelped at Dubo cracked his knuckles and grabbed him by the shoulders"
It should be "yelped as Dubo".
I like how formal Mooky's speech is, and how he always uses his boss's full name. And all for $14 in late library fees. The end twist was good, too!
"That would sound something like a cat chewing a sweater whilst sliding, claws out, down an aluminum blackboard."
Interesting visual!
"A Hobbit sized woman with a dirt flecked face, set in mid scream, is suspended by a rope fifty feet in to the air beneath a canopy of trees."
I would use hyphens in "Hobbit-sized", "dirt-flecked", and "mid-scream". I would also just say "fifty feet in the air".
"The pine needled floor below will not be a soft landing even compared with the roughly hewn cargo net dead ahead."
Again, I'd use a hypen: "pine-needled". I think of wood as being "hewn", not something made of fibers, like a net. Perhaps "roughly woven cargo net"?
"instant of realisation Time resumes it's persistent course"
It should be "its", without the apostrophe.
"feather light weight to the top off a woodland platform"
It should be "feather-light" and "of a woodland".
"I AM TYRA"
You should have a period here.
"pull my remaining arm from it's shoulder socket"
It should be "its".
"Legs flaying in an epelectic dance I hit the net."
It should be, "Legs flailing in an epileptic dance, I hit the net."
"I would gladly hold on by my teeth, ears, eyeballs and hair than let go off that net and now that I've made it I'm wondering"
I would say, "I would gladly rather hold on...than let go of that net, and now that I've made it, I'm wondering..."
"crosses a white watered river"
It should be "white-watered".
"It's only as I near the bottom that wonder"
It should be "neat the bottom that I wonder".
NO! No Hello Kitty! I'm not sure I understand how the snakes even came in there...they don't seem to be compatible with someone that obsessed with Hello Kitty...which makes it all the more horrible!
This is a very powerful piece. It shows quite clearly the invincible attitude that most teenagers, especially boys, seem to have. Most don't have their innocence shattered this way. "Seventeen years of self-deception flowed from me in that salty concoction; hubris had been proven a lie." Very powerful.
"I’m just saying that you should sell your sunglasses, buddy."
Shouldn't it be "that you shouldn't sell your"?
"struck my head onto the dashboard"
It should be "on" instead of "onto".
This is a very moving piece. I can empathisize with you in this, in more ways than one. I am a "wallflower", standing off to the side in a crowd. But I'm also the one lending support to those I've chosen as my friends. My friendship is not given lightly, but once given, I will always hold up the wall!
Good descriptions, Sarah. There are just a couple little grammatical points:
"She shook herself and busted through, ready for the hunt."
It should be "burst through".
"As it blissfully munched its green lunch"
For continuity, this should be plural sheep, too (they, their).
"She roasted the fluff from its back and flamed it until it was cooked to a turn."
In the 2nd sentence of this paragraph, you say "The animal burned to a smelly crisp". Wouldn't the wool already be gone?
"This was no balk to her"
I'm not sure I'd use "balk" here, although it is correct. Maybe "hindrance"?
Wow! I got hungry for something sweet, gooey, and chocolatey just from reading your excellent description. And then...what a gigantically disappointing ending! If I were Elizabeth, I would've ripped the page out of the magazine instead of just turning it!
Very good, Sarah! I'm impressed at your depth, understanding, and feeling at such a young age, although it is a bit depressing and distressing to see. Keep up the great work, and I sincerely look forward to reading more from you in the very near future!
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