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1
1
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: E | (4.5)
Submissions are due via this form by by 1200 noon WDC time on the deadline. (Repeated word by)

Did you want the words bitem or entry in the submission, or only numbers?

I see a lot of kinks to the october prep forum. Maybe just one more at the end in case they miss it? This is associated with the prep, people!**in that totally nice way you do!

Great job setting this up.
2
2
Review by Storm Machine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A family riding in a car talks about the music. There's a near-miss with a deer, which luckily is a near-miss and not a hit.

I was unclear who was in the car and talking, at first, and only toward the end to I figure out it is a father's point of view with his wife and child in the car. when Mom replied, I was really thrown because I thought it was his mother- his point of view, so it should have been, and yet it was 'his girls' which usually doesn't mean a mother. In a piece so short, it's best to stick with one viewpoint, and not to switch heads whenever. If you had started this piece with "Dad drove down the country road..." i'd have been more prepared. If they have to listen to classic rock in the car together, why is Ed Sheeran on and why is Dad flipping stations? That part confused me, too.

I find it interesting that the girl is completely oblivious to the deer, while her parents are struggling to adjust. Would her mother have replied so quickly? I feel your characters need a little extra recovery time than you've given them, but Valerie wouldn't notice that at all except that they didn't respond right away. Valerie does have an interesting viewpoint to follow through this, and she gives her opinion well.

for the contest
3
3
Review by Storm Machine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Impressions:
Accidentally taking pictures of a crime being committed is the tagline, but it feels misleading. The pictures contain information, but they do not show the actual hit-and-run crime that is committed within this story.

The cameraman is the viewpoint character, and he lavishes his attention upon his girlfriend. The girlfriend is enthralled with a car, and

Unless this is a piece that requires no dialog, why not show us the exchange between Cheryl and the driver? You take painstaking care to show Cheryl draped over the car despite us knowing from the tagline that this is not the important part.

Why didn't the cameraman also leave a statement to the authorities, as well? And how are they over the trauma of the memory of the child's death in only two weeks to wanting to see the pictures with the car?

Nitpicks:
Cheryl looked stunning in her lime green bikini, it barely covered her perfect tan. (perfect tan barely covered by the bikini- but what constitutes a perfect tan?)
Her slim body, golden with the addition of sunscreen, was a perfect match for the brilliant color of the car. (The car was called bright yellow, which does not seem like a good skin color?)
An opening in the crowd was silently formed, allowing the mother to reach her child who could not respond to her mother's wails. (Later you say the child died during the night, but it feels like the child died here.)


for the contest
4
4
Review by Storm Machine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Impressions:
The images here are heartfelt and real. We see the torture of the main character in a struggle to give his daughter all of the things she needs and maybe a bit more. All of the memories are wrapped up in a swing of sorts, and it spans many years.

There are several flashbacks through this piece, and each of them is seen as part of the unfolding story that shows the main character and her relationship with her father. I would like to see something to separate these flashbacks a little more, because a few of them run into each other and the framing story of the funeral of her father.

I grew up on a farm, and I had a different idea of the swing right off, and even the A Frame didn't sway me from seeing it in the maple swing that the father says. I had a swing from a tree, not a tire but a piece of wood, and that I expected to be of maple. In all other ways it was like an A frame swing set, except it was attached to a tall limb. I'm not sure how you can avoid that, but when she finally saw the swing she was disappointed and that feeling was felt throughout the piece.

When she finds her father sitting in the tire swing she never appreciated, I wonder what else that brought to her story - and what it is that her father did with the swing when she never saw? Surely that is not his first time sitting there.

Overall, nicely done to pull the emotions through the entire story.

for the contest
5
5
Review of Sole Survivor  
Review by Storm Machine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Narrative first-person and centered in the main character- this story tells us about the end of the world, and it isn't pretty. The stakes are high enough that this apocalypse has taken everyone except this one last person. The loneliness and the sadness have overwhelmed this single explorer.

**spoiler alert**
The world's last survivor of the apocalypse is a zombie. The signs were all sewn into it earlier and I didn't quite get there until the end. Great job! It's a bit of a pet peeve when the writer deliberately hides something to surprise the reader. A genuine surprise with hints sewn into the narrative are fun and appreciated.

Nitpick:
When they stopped feeding they eventually stopped moving, and then they stopped doing anything at all. (three times used 'stopped', is that repetition moving toward something or just repetition? It feels run-on. I bet you have another way to express this.)

Who’d have ever thought that the apocalypse would end up being man-made? (I think many do believe that of course it will be man-made.)

At least not existing can’t be worse than this. (no hope or ideas of if anything comes after, which is interesting.)

for the contest
6
6
Review of Fired  
Review by Storm Machine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Okay, the last line made me smile. Nice job.

Impressions:
The zombies are coming, and no one wants to believe the single scientist who has been fighting night and day to find a cure for years. Eventually the funding ran out, and what happens to each of the them now that this scientist cannot work on the cure is simply inevitable. This reads as a rant from the scientist, and I can easily imagine any number of scientists I know going through this scenario. You did well capturing that voice.

It is also very believable that a scientist messing with some everyday thing finds a way to make it mutate, be stronger and more trouble sooner.

Nitpicks:
Now they’re all going to die, and I’m the only one who could stop it. ('could' stop it but the character might not? Does this give too much away versus a word like 'can'.)
I was hired at the university as a ploy. (what exactly is the ploy? They have funding, which is precisely why many researchers get hired.)
There are a lot of passive voice uses in here. I think many of them could be changed to make it read stronger.

for the contest
7
7
Review by Storm Machine
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Content:
A last good-bye between a couple in the rain, which changes to joy as they decide not to part but then the poem talks about sorrow like an overarching lesson to understand away from the participants.

The idea of dancing in the rain is pure fun and it is a great way to bring the two in the poem closer, but I also wonder what it was that drew them apart in the first place. That is missing from this poem, and I think it would help the reader understand how they could reconcile if we knew more about what drew these two apart for these 'last goodbyes.'

Style & Voice:
A 'flinch' feels like there ought to be something to cause it - it is a reaction move away from something that is scary or unexpected. It rhymes with inch but makes me think that something else ought to be involved in the poem than an instant switch to a smile.

In the 6th stanza only you leave off ending punctuation from each line. I argue you don't need to have punctuation for each line. It stops the reader and creates a choppiness that takes away from the message of the poem. The lines are not all full sentences and I am not sure what you are trying to accomplish by ending each line with a period.

Grammar:
This Morning in a gently rain. (gentle)
I run away leaving things unsaid. (away,)
To my surprise your standing there. (you're)
You whispered one word “stay”! (word,)
With only sorrow there's nothing is gained. (I don't understand this line at all.)
You can Chose to stand alone. (choose - why is this word capitalized?)
As others dance; becoming a wallflower. (this follows the preceding line, and it isn't its own sentence. The semicolon is confusing.)


Just My Personal Opinion:
I really like the ideas behind this poem. It shows that there are so many ideas to be gained by trying to be together and working through separations. However, the last three stanzas are by themselves almost another poem. The original 'we' has morphed into just you, and the tone has changed into something shared to something placed specifically upon the reader.

for the contest


8
8
Review of Signing a Lease  
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! This review is in conjunction with "I Write in December-January-February E: Write and review once a week for the three coldest months of the year. .
~

First Impression :
While you mentioned it wasn't your finest work, this is cute.

Spelling and Grammar :
None.

Additional Comments :
The awkward part felt like the last line. "When is next payday?" could have been reworded - "---. When is payday?" That --- could be filled in with Oh, Drat, Oy, or a number of other wordless expressions that would take a syllable but not throw off the count.

Good luck!

~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
9
9
Review of Show and Tell  
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! This review is in conjunction with "I Write in December-January-February E: Write and review once a week for the three coldest months of the year. .
~

First Impression :
A girl loses a tooth but gains something to take to Show and Tell at school. I love the girl's enthusiasm about her tooth and what her friend Molly said about the tooth fairy.

Spelling and Grammar :
I think you ought to write out four am, especially at the beginning of a sentence.
"Oh, ok" Samantha sighed. ("Oh, ok." Samantha sighed.)
her mother leaned in close. (Her)

Additional Comments :

I'm amused the dog is called Pot Pie.

~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of Six of Seven  
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello! This review is in conjunction with "I Write in December-January-February E: Write and review once a week for the three coldest months of the year. .
~

First Impression : Little Marcie's getting busy telling everyone about the seven deadly sins (or at least six of them) and trying to get them to do the proper thing.


Spelling and Grammar :
But then, the teacher said, "you know, Marcie, it's not just being able to memorize them. The more important thing is being able to use them in your life." (When you say use them in your life, I first thought she would be committing the sins.)

It was Mr. Jennings, the principal, no less coming towards the table. (no less coming towards the table? Awkward.)

Then after school, I went home and that's where my older brother, Sean, comes into it. (came - past tense verb)

Additional Comments :
I do like that she can't see herself committing the seventh sin. Nice job.

~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix
11
11
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: E | (3.5)
"I Write in August-September-October ASR: One contest entry and one review per week to win!
~

First Impression :
The proclamation of a faithful person beings with "I'm not afraid to follow" but as the poem progresses, that fear is faced and more faith is put into the deity who leads the follower.

I think one thing I felt was missing upon reading this is that when the fear was faced, is that possibly what led the person to believe that it might sink, despite knowing deep inside that the lord would not allow it to happen? Would that be part of the fear, that the faith was not strong enough to hold despite the deep water and powerful leader?

And if the all-powerful lord has the complete faith, why would the fear ever creep in? Is there a thought in this person that there were unfaithful people who were swallowed within the sea? Or that the person might be found unworthy despite placing all that faith in the lord?

I'm not sure if it is a fear of following or a general feeling of unworthiness in the faith that this all-powerful being has also placed within this person to command to follow out somewhere that is not generally allowed for humans.

I like the end where the person finds the strength to do what is asked anyway, and goes with the fear to do it anyway.

Spelling and Grammar :
Here I go now, Just watch me. (not sure why Just is capitalized in the middle of the sentence after a comma.)


Additional Comments :
Generally I don't do religious anything and less poetry than prose, so I might not be the best reviewer for this piece. I hope you found something useful here and good luck in the contest!

~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Waiting to Pounce  
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
"I Write in August-September-October ASR: One contest entry and one review per week to win!
~

First Impression :
Wonderful imagery of the sea with a storm. I love at the beginning all the ways you describe how the sea is waiting to get the victims and has a force behind it that really is out to get the sailors (or whatever else gets in its way). But at the end it turns more to a narrator, and partly I want to stay with the stormy sea batting around the insignificant on its surface.

Spelling and Grammar :

Spindrift slashing cheeks barred (bared?) I didn't see any bars in this poem.
Slash and buckle (slash repeated two lines later)
Lines 11, 12, and 15 end with 'waves'

Additional Comments :
The last two lines are very good. I think lines 12-16 could show stronger how the storm is the force trying to take the people down, and then ending with how they actually left. But it's also possible I've misread your purpose with this piece. Is it your focus to show the fury of the storm or the wily wits of those who place their fates in the sea's hands?

~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
13
13
Review of Debt Collection  
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
"I Write in August-September-October ASR: One contest entry and one review per week to win!
~

First Impression :
Good premise! Almost kidnapped by a vampire and she will be forced into marriage with no way to escape the bloodthirsty creatures. Her husband becomes a casualty of the conflict, and her father - who had been estranged - is at fault for his addictions. This also leaves her open to marriage to a vampire king, though the reader doesn't learn why the vampire wants this so much. Why Anna?

Spelling and Grammar :
She the last time she saw her father was Christmas the year before. (extra she in beginning of sentence?)
Her father was addited to drinking (addicted)
let it go in lu (lieu)
all of it Lewis. (it, Lewis.)
flinched bakwhen (back when)
With that Dillon left the housed carrying Anna to a limo that blocked James’s driveway. (house, carrying) (Didn't they notice the limo before they went in?)


Additional Comments :
She knew of their existence from their debut to the general public. She had done research of her own, and knew that Dillon Distain was also the vampire king of Kentucky. (This could be rephrased to sound more together: Anna had researched vampires since their debut to the general public, so she knew Dillon Distain was vampire king of Kentucky. Otherwise, she knew of their existence, then it seems like she researched it so she knew more than just their existence.)

~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
"I Write in August-September-October ASR: One contest entry and one review per week to win!
~

First Impression :
Creepy! Allison has become withdrawn and isolated. Her father mostly says "mmmhmmm" instead of conversation. You can definitely see the downward pull and that she might want to join her mother. The reader also feels the absence of the mother and how she 'just left' isn't the whole story. When we dig deeper, we see that Allison knows what happened to her mother, but she translated this to something else as a sort of survival mechanism until three years later.

Rachel reaching out to Allison happened with good timing, and the unexplained words from the witch suit to her. Though I don't understand why a she-devil is an insult to the ugly witch, but perhaps the witch took her to be some kind of newfangled costume of that sort.

Spelling and Grammar :
"Hello Dear." ("Hello, dear.")
said the witch tucking the knife (witch, tucking)
Tonight, I'll bring her out, she thought with a smile. (often thoughts are in italics to set them apart)
slender Middle-aged man (middle-aged)
an ugly hateful child (ugly,)
Then that woman ("Then)
"You know dear, that (know,)

Additional Comments :
I was a little confused about perspective when the witch tucked the knife under her costume. Did Allison see? Is this paragraph out of order: "Great," said the witch tucking the knife under her black dress.


Nice job building tension with the flipping of scenes. We want Rachel to get there in time and we want Allison to be okay, and we also want Mr. Mmm-Hmm to change. Two out of three is pretty good!
~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix
15
15
Review of Black Hole  
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: E | (3.5)
"I Write in August-September-October ASR: One contest entry and one review per week to win!
~

First Impression :
A woman finds herself in the middle of blackness. She is overwhelmed by the darkness and the emotions within herself. A light shines on her, and she is unable to figure out where she is, then she plunges into the darkness again.

While she's hoping something will change later, the reader was left wondering if this was an afterlife and how her old life is doing without her- whether she has been yanked out of it to suffer at mortal hands or if a supernatural figure has set a punishment upon her.

Spelling and Grammar :
She opened her eyes (opens)
She was worried before if anyone was around to see her. (She was before, but not now?)
Every breathe she takes (breath)
Her eyes are starting to water and the tears are rolling down her cheeks. (earlier she was beginning to be overwhelmed, now her eyes are starting to water but at the same time tears are rolling down her cheeks.)
She tried to stop them. (tries)

After some time in this state something changed. (changes.)
Eventually, the convulsions stopped. (stop.)
As soon as she decides that she did not want to feel her emotions, the lights went out. (does not want to feel her emotions, the lights go out.)

Additional Comments :
Normal people do not have physical fits with their body. (Is this supposed to point us to epilepsy or some other illness?)

Present tense is difficult, but it can carry this where she is stuck in a spot and she's not understanding what has happened. I think I would like a little more description to ground the story with details about how she got where she is or why this might be happening to her.

~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix
16
16
Review of The Lucky Numbers  
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
"I Write in August-September-October ASR: One contest entry and one review per week to win!
~

First Impression :
A horror story of the number 14. The number comes from a secret society from college, and all of it has a dark undertone.

The beginning feels like a coincidental meeting between two old college acquaintances. But when they meet, Renee wants to reminisce while Lisa finds no amusement in the memories. When Lisa finally talks, she gives a horror story of rape and a number that comes through the conversation is 14. Lisa holds that number in fear and reacts.

I love the twisted feelings behind the hugs. It shows how something that might have once had good intentions can be taken in a different light by someone else. Nicely done. You ramped up the horror in the end, though it feels innocuous in the beginning.

Spelling and Grammar :
Example: "Well," said Renee taking a sip of coffee (Renee, taking) - any time you use a ___ing word you'll need a comma before the phrase.

Additional Comments :
I wonder that Renee couldn't do the math and figure out that Lisa hadn't married. The son's surname is never mentioned.

While Lisa talks about rape, it comes forth very matter-of-fact. She doesn't seem like a victim when she speaks, and despite her plans, I'd expect her to play that up here. To unfold that drama with the pain of someone who has to live with the consequences of that action.

~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review of Red With Regret  
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
in conjunction with "I Write in June-July-August [ASR]

I'm really glad you put the definition of a Blitz poem so I didn't have to look it up. The image is neat, and I like how you wove your words around in a way that felt like it matched the prompt. Even the title is complicated, but you pulled it off well.

At first I wondered why the regret was part of the title, but the rules pointed it out. I felt like the regret didn't come up until the end, I'm not sure if you planned it that way or not. It does feel like it changed through the poem to include the regrets, and I see the link once I get deeper into the rules.

There are no typos, and when I read it out loud and only pausing for breath it flowed extremely well. I wish I had more to recommend for this one. Good luck!
18
18
Review of Soulmate  
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: E | (3.0)
"I Write in June-July-August ASR: Combat summer writing slouch by participating in this forum once a week.
~

First Impression :
The beach ball sentence feels like a setup for what's coming, but it doesn't really fit. How does the beach ball fit into her last memories? Did she die on the beach?

I feel a little left hanging as it ends with her disappearance. Can you expand this to at least wrap up with trying again, or that Angela will help her in the future? It feels like it needs a little more.

Spelling and Grammar :
Feeling confident, she answers, "Yes I have ("Yes,)
Angel says with a dreamy look in her eyes. (Angela)
With her right hand she fusses with her hair nervously waiting for her soul mate. (Does she think he can see her? hair, nervously)
"Yes it will seem weird as you say. ("Yes, it)
"Selty are you ready? ("Selty, are)
Yes just like that." (Yes, just)

Additional Comments :
That question has been asked over and over again, throughout the generations and is still being asked to this day. Some believe love is when you do something for another person. Others believe in a more pure form of the emotion, which comes from the depths of your soul; this is done out of pure will regardless if the other person loves back, regardless of anything the person does, regardless of whether the person is in the same dimension. Selty, has been in the sixth dimension of the spirit world for some time. Through lessons learned about love from the soul is called Divine Love, for the first time, she is learning the truth about soul mates. (Are these Selty's thoughts, or is this author intrusion?)

Selty tilts her heart shaped head (I'm sure she's not thinking about the shape of her head, because she's completely engrossed in the conversation and thoughts of soul mates. It's sort of head-hopping.

God split the soul in half, in three different possibilities; male and female, female and female, and male and male. (Is it necessary to list out the possibilities? Why not, 'and put each half of the soul in separate bodies.')

This happened because both of you chose this. (What did they choose?)

"Yes I am real as you are real. I have left the earth plane and live in the spirit world..." ("Yes, I) (But why did she disappear?)
~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix
19
19
Review of I Write  
for entry "Fancy Keystrokes
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
for "I Write in June-July-August ASR: Combat summer writing slouch by participating in this forum once a week.
~

First Impression :
I like the character. She's plucky and yet easily pushed into doing something for someone else for an accent and a pretty face/body. But I keep thinking she'd want more, or she knows him really well. Hard to tell in this short piece, but it is nicely done.

Spelling and Grammar :
“Thanks, Darlin’” He drawled (Darlin'," he) Also, darlin' might not be capitalized since he probably means it for any woman.
whiskey – eyed (whiskey-eyed)
lips and before I could even realize it, (before I could even realize it is a phrase out, so commas go on both sides of the phrase. Could put one after lips, but that is your choice. Tons of "and" in this sentence.)
star struck watching until he was well out of site,(star-struck, watching until he was well out of sight,)
self – preservation (self-preservation)

Additional Comments :
'them' in the last line could be anyone. Might be nice to know who made both of them so jumpy about sharing that kind of information.

~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix
20
20
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
for "I Write in June-July-August ASR: Combat summer writing slouch by participating in this forum once a week.
~

First Impression :
Morality and religion - subjects often assumed to be intertwined - as a question for interpretation. You made several good points, and I'm sure given enough time the subject could fill a book. Your language is clear and direct.

On the other side- philosophy will give a rule of ethics. But morals change depending on who or what is giving the orders. One group says it is only okay to have one spouse and only of the opposite gender, another says it is fine for a man to have multiple wives. Where is the distinction between these morals and ethics and what are the rest of us supposed to do when these ideas conflict?

Spelling and Grammar :
None seen. Great job!

Flow :
The logic flowed naturally. Footnotes are well documented.

Additional Comments :
I wondered as I read this if you could give a non-religious example of morality. I ask because yoga (not a religion, holds no deity, yet often accused of one) has a moral code as one of the pieces. I'd guess the martial arts also hold their participants to codes that are not specifically religious.

Great answer! This was not an easy question.

~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix
21
21
Review of Hide and Creak  
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
in conjunction with "Invalid Item
~

First Impression :
A beginning of horror and betrayal of sounds has a child cowering from something or someone. She's worried someone will find her. The end becomes a children's game with a new horror of added chores for a week.

Spelling and Grammar :
There was a pause raising a glimmer of hope, which shattered as the stairs groaned, one by one. (pause, raising)

Mandy’s breaths deepened as final the stair creaked. (as the final stair creaked.) (deepening breath makes me think she's calming down, the tension has passed. Does she think he's not going to see her?

Flow :
The flow runs nicely beginning to end, following chronological order.

Additional Comments :
Love how her clothes "seemed set to betray her." I like the beast/Clive (assumed he is her brother, but could be cousin or friend. Older or younger is unknown.)

“The washing up is yours for a week!” (I like this, but I'd like to know what the washing up entails. It could be anything from hands to dishes to laundry to something dirtier. Make the reader really understand how bad this loss is for Mandy.)

She says she wouldn't play with him again, but that feels like she needs to find a way to get around this win. Somewhere she wouldn't be cornered.
~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
** Image ID #1920908 Unavailable **
22
22
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: E | (3.0)
First Impression :
The Grand Wizard (aka Big Wiz) of Triem is invited as guest speaker to Queen MonTika's tea party. The fairies seem familiar, Triem feels like a fantasy place, and the Grand Wizard must be a title for a non-fairy type magic user. Explanations are provided for shrinking fairy dust that becomes important during the story (nicely done not providing too much information for the short piece). There are also dogs, though we don't know if they're like our dogs or not because they growl words. Neat.



Spelling and Grammar :
Out Marsden. (If you're speaking to Marsden, it would be "Out, Marsden." This is something you do often.)
important a
dventures. (accidental line break)
again big wiz,” (is Big Wiz a nickname? Need comma after again)


Flow :
First obstacle: he didn't receive an invitation. Second obstacle: he is snagged along with the fairies to go to a tea party he wanted to decline. At this point he meets no resistance- the fairies are all interested, he sings the proper song, and he makes a good impression upon the queen and her court. I'd like to see something else trip him up and overcome something to earn respect and the place as the Queen's equal. Fairies are always well-known for being troublesome and meddling, and this place seems no exception. Maybe they decide to bring his dogs as entertainment. Maybe they entice him into something he's not supposed to do - are there rules that he can't do certain things with fairies? Make it a little harder on Marsden.

Additional Comments :
Marsden calls the fairies his new friends, but he seems very familiar with Emera the ambassador and all things fairy. If it's really all new, I'd like to see him discover things. How does he knew the anthem to sing?

Triem looks like a fun place and the Grand Wizard seems capable of many adventures. *Smile*
~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix
23
23
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
"A Heart's Discovery 13+: Snippet of my novel focused on a young woman called Robyn. PLEASE rate and review!!!!!
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First Impression :
Robyn has joined English activists for an unknown reason, but is falling for a man (Evan) who makes her irrational.

Spelling and Grammar :
take better care of myeslf (myself)

You have used a lot of ellipses (...) and it feels overdone for such a short piece.

"I forgot that I was sitting on a bench outside the meeting place of the group of activists I had recently joined forces with." Beginning with 'outside' this gets very awkward to read.

Flow : Her thoughts are tangled and make the words flow well throughout this piece.

Additional Comments :
I know it's a snippet, but I'd like to know more about what the activists are doing, why she had to leave Michael behind, and her general purpose. This part reads like a romance, so it is very fitting of the genre tag you gave it.

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Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
Dragons and a phoenix
24
24
Review of Living With Mom  
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Impressions : The premise is cute, about a man talking to his mother (sortof) and not doing much of anything. Definitely a lazy sort.

I think it'd be good to differentiate somehow that the son and the mother are conversing. Perhaps one of them could be in either italics or bold print.

Additional Comments :
There are a lot of errors in this poem.
Starting with tagline: 'butt' not 'but'
'hobby' not 'hobbie'
Not right this second mom. (Not right this second, Mom.)
'college,' not 'collage' (Don't forget the comma.)
When I can sit up right. (Sounds like he is trying to sit up correctly and failing? Do you mean upright?)
'exercise' not 'excersise'
'muscles' not 'mucsules'

~

Keep Writing! *Smile*

Storm Machine
St Dent made this one, too.
25
25
Review of Hiding 55 words  
Review by Storm Machine
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is for your entry in "The Hint Fiction Contest [ASR]

Word count: 55

Plot and content: From a child's viewpoint, the worst that could have happened wanders her hall as she hides. Very descriptive! I liked how you made the words count and show what the child felt.

Technical errors:
None.

Thanks for entering! Join us again.

Names, like all habits, can be broken.
St Dent made this one, too.
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