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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/skippingstones
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31 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Jules
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Starx,

There is so much story here. I would love to hear more of it. It really breaks my heart to think about.

I have some questions about this story. First, who is telling this story? The narrator sounds like someone who knows Abigail well and is also a teenager. So, instead of an invisible narrator, this one feels like they have personality and are somehow connected to the story. I hope I'm making sense.

Is there anyway I could 'see' Abigail? Show her jumping off the hood of a car or doing a cartwheel. Or pulling her red hair into a ponytails. Or whatever. She seems so sweet. I'd love to see more of her and her personality.

And Zach. It says he was hard to describe, but I want to meet him. Is there a quality about him that stands out? Did she love his laugh? Or was he silent a lot because he was such a good listener? This seemed like a really strong romance. Did they have a passion they shared? Guitar? Horses? Geeking out to spy/thriller movies?

This is a very short love story. But with an idea like that I hope you turn it into something more.

Jules

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Review of Cockroach Cameo  
Review by Jules
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This was a most delightful story. I loved your protagonist, cockroach. I loved reading about his escapades in his (cheap) hotel rooms.

I couldn't find anything to suggest or correct. It kind of reminded me of Charlottes Web, but shorter and much more playful.

Great job.
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Review of Come Back  
Review by Jules
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I liked this a lot. I wondered if you wanted to expand on this, you could incude examples of where/when you were in joy with this person. Sort of include examples where we could see just what you lost that would send you into such grief. If this makes any sense.

But it's really good if you leave it as is as well.
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Review of Self-Help  
Review by Jules
Rated: E | (4.0)
I liked this, it was inspirational.

Your first sentence was a strong opening.

The comparison of the sun as a bath didn't really work for me for some reason. I also wondered about the third line, where are the evils in mind being thrown? out? away? Maybe this was just me.

Should there be a comma after "sing, embracing life's drama"?

My favorite line was "Don't drown in grief but trust your own strength."


I thought your second and third stanzas were very strong and read smooth and inspirational.

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Review of Bloody Love  
Review by Jules
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Not my favorite genre, but this was really well written. Loved all the detail. Her singing Hey Jude was a great touch of characterization.

Should the sentence "Noah had read about it the paper" be "in the paper"?

My only other question is how does she know the clean-up guy has a thing for her?

Other than that, very strong piece.
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Review by Jules
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Okay, first of all this was really well-written. I loved the pacing. I loved the details like Lucky Charms and jackhammers, it helped bring this to life. I totally bought their relationship in such a short piece. I could go on, but you must know how well you write.

As for the end, real twist. Definitely, a psychological piece. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think like one of the people on the street. What to make of it, lol.

Nice read.
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Review by Jules
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really felt your love for this music. It wasn't what I grew up with but most of us have music of some for as the soundtrack of our lives and I loved how much you expressed your appreciation of this music. I didn't recogize much of it, but I did tear up at the line I did recognize... why do birds suddenly appear every time she was near?

I didn't understand the Burt/Bert reference , but no matter I'm a little dense.

Thanks for sharing.
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Review of Midnight's Gift  
Review by Jules
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This was such a sweet little story. You captured Jessica's love of horses so well. You brought Midnight to life, I could so picture him.

I was surprised that Midnight would allow Jessica to ride him.

I could imagine how happy Jessica was with Midnight Thunder ( great horses names, btw).

Enjoyed the read.
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Review of Snow Day  
Review by Jules
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I like how enthusiastic Emily was.She reminds me of someone from a Hallmark Christmas special. The premise was what was the world to do without Santa being there to dole out the gifts?

Of course the world would come up with a practical solution. And Emily took the changes in stride.

Nice pacing.
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Review of A Glass of Water  
Review by Jules
Rated: E | (5.0)
Ooh, some nice writing here. Great detail. Superb tension. At some point I began to suspect something akin to palsy. It's frustrating that he had such pride and couldn't just ask for help.

Love your title too, and boy was this a perfect example of that.

I never give five's 'cause everything could use a little improvement. But, I couldn't find any improvement needed here. Nice.
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Review by Jules
Rated: E | (4.0)
I've never heard of these communities but they sound a little like sororities and fraternities?

I thought you made strong points as to why they are not a great idea, as college is about expanding community and ideas, etc.

In the last sentence, should there be a comma after society?
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Review of A Christmas Fable  
Review by Jules
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was really touching. I actually teared up a little. Santa was brilliant. I couldn't help wondering if this might make a nice childrens book. Great job!

Jules
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Review by Jules
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
I thought this was a notch above most of what I've been reading. And I was relieved to see writing calling out people who use natural disasters to point fingers at groups they disagree with.

But beyond that this read smooth and flowed well. And I loved the ending. Though I can't decide if the voice that had been calling Fred was a tree, or God, or God as a tree. And I don't suppose it matters. It was very nice.
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Review of Celebration!  
Review by Jules
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ha, I'll bet you've received some unpleasant comments on this. One guy about flipped out over my Trump virus piece. How dare I?

Boy, I hope that day comes. "It was true. After a little more than two years of rhetorical nonsense, broken promises, insults, stupidity, moronic behavior, flat out lies, hypocritical comments, Communistic techniques, courtroom trials, and using inappropriate terms to refer to the female anatomy, it was finally over." Can you e-v-e-n believe all the stuff that has happened and continues to happen??

The girl sobbing almost as much as a Russian leader - Lol.

I can only dream of such a day. I enjoyed it.
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Review by Jules
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I was impressed with your writing. It flowed smoothly and was an easy, if sad read. I could understand and follow along with why each character was how they were. It really showed the consequences of inter-generational trauma. I was glad to read the the philosophical and compassionate understanding of all involved. Nice.
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Review by Jules
Rated: E | (4.0)
This piece is very relevant right now. You have developed your point thoroughly and I agree with you.

Unfortunately, not everyone adopts the filthy speech pattern shown here. Instead, they model quiet, calm, and respectful disagreement and uphold collaborative discussions. Worse yet, this kind of behavior leads to a consensus, forging a society where progress and inclusion become rampant.<<< This quote pretty much sums up what we should be aiming for and pretty much both sides are failing at.

That said I write satire that exaggerates what I see as absurd, so I'm not much help in this area and a bit of a hypocrite here.

My only suggestion would be to break it up into paragraphs. I find it easier on the eye.

Anyway, good piece.
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Review by Jules
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love Dr. Seuss too! So glad you reviewed his book. It was fun and interesting to read so many fun facts about him and his life. It was also interesting to see you point out all the absurd questions that come to mind while reading his books.

"Horton Hears A Who!"

1. What are the odds of Horton Finding the correct clover in a field full of 3 million clovers? -- What are the odds of this??!!

If I had one suggestion it would be to make this piece only about Dr. Seuss and develop the Edgar Allen Poe into its own essay.
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Review of Waking  
Review by Jules
Rated: E | (4.0)
I love haikus and I really liked this one. I can hear the bird's echo and see the streets and the dawn seeping in. Nice.
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