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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/southernemma
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111 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed reading this beautiful haiku...it does exactly what a haiku should. You've followed the traditional route of sticking to a nature theme--and personifying a season with wonderful imagery. Thanks for sharing. I run the Daily Poetry Contest, so I'd love for you to enter any new haiku you've written if you would be interested! Thanks again!

FORUM
Daily Haiku Contest  (E)
A daily contest for haiku, senryu, and tanka poetry.
#1871736 by *Southernemma*
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Review of Oneiric  
Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: E | (5.0)
You made good use of the prompt word "oneiric"--not an easy task. This poem has a lighthearted, comedic tone. The reader expects to hear about romantic fantasies in the first two lines, but the last two lines give away the humorous truth. You've chosen to use rhyme in this poem--which adds another comedic element since traditional romantic poetry tended to rhyme.

I enjoyed reading your 24-syllable poem. Some people think short form poetry is easy, but sometimes it's that much harder because you have to choose your words (and syllables) carefully.

Good job and write on!

-Southernemma
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Review of Slow Death  
Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is a very emotional dodoitsu poem, reading much like a narrative would. The poem sticks to the dodoitsu form except in the second stanza:

Her parents think they know best, (7 syllables)
but there's a fine line in life; (7 syllables)
to have such sheltered lives-- *(6 syllables)
or allow freedom? (5 syllables) Not sure why this has a question mark...as the line doesn't read as a question



Thanks for sharing! Write on!

southernemma with phoenix sig
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Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: E | (5.0)
This looks like a great place to be. I'm looking forward to learning more about Steampunk and participating in contests, etc. Thanks for letting me be a part of the group!
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Review by *Southernemma*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice, visual poem in rhyming couplets. You've done a good job of showing how the sun not only clears the mist and rain away, but also represents hope--or at least that's what I took away from it. My one suggestion would be to either add periods at the ends of the couplets, or remove the commas. I find that it is better to either have no punctuation at all, rather than having some (commas in this case), while leaving others out (periods). It tends to make for a better flow when reading. Again, just my opinion. Great job using alliteration throughout the poem, too.

Line 11: I would change "site" to "sight", as site is short for 'website' or a location.

My favorite lines:

"Cloudy and overcast, appeared the day/ Even with the sun's own bright rays"

Great job! Write on!
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Review by *Southernemma*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
These are suggestions. Please feel free to use or disregard any information you disagree with. I have a short article about dialogue use in my portfolio if you'd like to take a look.
 Writing Character Dialogue  (E)
An article on writing character dialogue
#1988296 by *Southernemma*


Most of this looks pretty good, dialogue-wise. The key thing to remember with dialogue is this: keep it short, and read it aloud to check for an authentic flow. If it sounds wordy when read aloud, you need to cut some words. You have a few unnecessary words that are repetitive, mainly the word "that" in the following lines:

“It’s over by the two security guards that I knocked out earlier.”
“That’s what I’m trying to get the money for, so that I can buy you a lot of ice cream.”

Also, you need a comma before 'officer' in this sentence, “That’s what I’m going to do Officer!”

I would rephrase this sentence: “That’s what I’m trying to get the money for, so that I can buy you a lot of ice cream.” You could try "That's why I'm getting the money...so I can buy you lots of ice cream." This is less wordy, and flows better.

This sentence is a bit wordy, too: “Hey Daddy! Who is that guy in the black and white car with the blue shirt on?” You might want to cut it down to something like: "Hey Daddy, who's that guy in the uniform with lights on his car?" When you talk (especially when children speak), they don't say "Who is," but "Who's" on most occasions.

I would avoid the use of colons in dialogue if you can. ”Let me guess: Take your son to work?” This sentence could be rephrased to something like, "Let me guess--take your son to work day?"

Hope this helps.

southernemma with phoenix sig

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Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: E | (5.0)
This looks like a great place for poets and readers of poetry to gather. Glad I found out about it, and I look forward to participating!
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Review of Covering up  
Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an excellent senryu, using the anxiety and awkwardness of the teenage years. You capture the essence of the form, while adding a comedic element. The young men are hiding odor with odor...which I find humorous.

Even though you were the only entry in the Daily Haiku Contest yesterday, I'll still award you some gps, because I liked this so much. Please continue to contribute to the contest!

Thanks!

southernemma with phoenix sig
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Review of The Flower  
Review by *Southernemma*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think you do an excellent job of conveying how the speaker feels about this girl. Your use of imagery can be found in almost every stanza, and you keep your rhyme scheme consistent, making an uninterrupted flow while reading. I enjoyed your use of alliteration is the lines "that shine like the sun/ warmth that melts metals".

Stanza 3 was my favorite:

A perfect combination
all white and some red
fills the imagination
distorting the head

Great job! Write on!

southernemma with phoenix sig
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Review of Leaf on the Wind  
Review by *Southernemma*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
You did a great job with this tanka. I always enjoy tanka when nature and the seasons are the theme. Your use of imagery well done. I could "see" every line perfectly. Autumn is my favorite season, so I always love reading poetry that reminds me of fall. I loved the last 2 lines, "One leaf is pulled from its home/To dance on the rising breeze." Beautiful.

Well done! Write on!


southernemma with phoenix sig

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Review of Love Haiku  
Review by *Southernemma*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This is a well written haiku, although it might be a little closer to senryu, since it's about human emotion rather than nature and the seasons. Of course, modern haiku can encompass just about any subject these days, but I'm a traditionalist, I suppose.

I love the first line, "Hate chills fiery hearts." I've never really thought of hatred as being cold, but it's an interesting suggestion.

Well done!



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Image #1482289 over display limit. -?-


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Review of Spring in Vermont  
Review by *Southernemma*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I loved this piece about springtime.

Your use of imagery is exceptional, and I could "see" everything you were writing about. I've often wondered myself about the varying shades of green. It's nice to know someone else thinks about these things that many consider trivial.

I love the line about the shape-shifting clouds. Very well done!

You also pulled off writing in 2nd person very well. That can be a feat in itself.

I enjoyed this piece very much! Write on!



Sig made by Sherry B for group members to use
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Review of Dry Eyes  
Review by *Southernemma*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I found your poem on the Poetry Parlour Contest page. I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.

*Check2* Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
This is a nice poem. It is honest...and realistic. Often in poetry, writers make a big to-do about unrealistic ideas (the perfect lover, happy-go-lucky life), but your poem is raw and truthful.


*Check2* Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
You have a consistent rhyme scheme throughout, contained in octave format. This provides a steady rhythm and flow for the reader. I enjoyed your use of alliteration throughout the poem.



*Check2* Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
I didn't see any errors that would detract from the poem.

*Check2* Suggestions:

Keep writing!


Thank you for sharing your poem. Write On!


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Sig made by Sherry B for group members to use

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Review by *Southernemma*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is my review of your poem, "All the love in the world." This is just my opinion, so please use what you can, and disregard the rest.

I love how this poem looks like the shape of woman! Very creative. I noticed that there is no rhyme scheme until lines 11-13. Was that intentional, or did it just happen that way? Those three lines seemed to set themselves apart from the rest of the poem because of their rhyme. It was a little distracting to me as the reader. I would have either made a regular rhyme scheme throughout the poem, or had none at all.

You might also think about adding a comma after "With arms so wide," to make it grammatically correct, as well.

I like how you use the lines, "Love is special/Love is kind." It reminds me of 1 Corinthians 13, "Love is patient, love is kind."

This is a very sweet poem. Write on!


** Image ID #1864189 Unavailable **

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Review of Birds  
Review by *Southernemma*
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a lovely poem. It is full of beautiful imagery from nature.

I love your use of alliteration in lines 2 (dew dripping) and 4 (brown birds). It creates a smoothness that seems to go hand in hand with the gracefulness of birds.

I love birds (and poems about birds), which makes your poem a wonderful read for me. Thanks for sharing! Write on!


A review sig for Power members to share
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Review of Lament, the Dying  
Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: E | (4.5)
It amazes me how many people write poems about eating disorders. I think your's is the 2nd or 3rd that I've read this week.

One thing that I love about your poem is the amount of alliteration used throughout. ("soft-pink shine," "smell of shadows"). I feel that alliteration always makes words flow smoothly off the tongue. I can see in this poem, however, that there are some instances where you would want the lines to sound choppy, because we all know that vomiting isn't smooth.

I like how you repeat certain words to emphasize the action, like in "thrown up, thrown away, thrown in heaves," and "As I tried, tried, to make it go down."

In stanza 5, you relate your body to the earth, which is a great visual reference to the reader. The reader should have no trouble visualizing this poem, because the words you use make it impossible not to visualize it.

My only criticism is the last stanza. I understand what you're trying to say, in a sense, but I felt that it left me hanging. That's just my opinion, so if it makes perfect sense to you, you may disregard me. You're the poet, and only you know the best way to convey your emotions.

Great poem. Very well done. Thanks for sharing!

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Review of Poison  
Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great poem! Your word choices are both descriptive and tactile. It's easy to visualize what's happening in this poem. I like how you combine the sweetness of the berries with the bitterness of the person eating them. That was a wonderful contrast. The ending was a little morbid for my taste, but to each his own.... Fantastic job! Write on!
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Review of Happy Rain  
Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: E | (4.5)
This was a lovely piece of creative nonfiction. Your use of dialog and description was engaging throughout the piece, making this a delightful read. The transition from the first scene to the second scene is well done, and I'm glad you put a little space between the two.

I found one error.... I think you meant to say "lips" instead of "lisp" around the fifth paragraph. No biggie, because I knew what you meant.

Great job! I really enjoyed this piece. Write on!
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Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Great job with description in this chapter. It was easy to visualize what was taking place in each scene. Your characters seem well rounded and fleshed out. I found this chapter when I picked a random read, but I'll be reading the next chapter! Great job and keep up the good work!
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Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great contest! Love it!
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Review of Citizen's Arrest  
Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Wow, this would be a great start to a serial killer novel. A man goes on a killing spree when he sees random citizens breaking laws. Your description and dialogue throughout this piece is excellent. Great job! Write on!
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Review of The Rose  
Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a nice short poem. It has a pleasant rhyme scheme and flow. I would encourage you to enter your short form poems in my weekly contest for a chance to win some GPs.

Nice job! Write on!

 
FORUM
WEEKLY SHORT FORM POETRY CONTEST  (E)
Weekly contest for short form poetry, such as haiku, triolet, cinquain, etc.
#1842029 by *Southernemma*
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Review of Metamorphisis  
Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a nice poem, but it's actually more of a senryu than haiku. Haiku deal with nature, while senryu deal with anything related to humans or human emotions. Here's an interesting article explaining the difference between the two. http://startag.tripod.com/HkSenDiff.html

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Review of Snow Flurry  
Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice free form haiku. It is very descriptive, yet simple. My mother's camellias are in blossom now as well, so it was easy to picture your poem in my mind. Good job! Write on!


*Camellia is the proper spelling of this flowering plant.
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Review of Mourning Showers  
Review by *Southernemma*
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was an interesting short piece. The title, "Mourning Showers," was well chosen, as it gives the reader a hint at the contents of the story. I have a few small suggestions that you can use or discard as you see fit.

The opening (and closing) sentence of the story might read a little clearer if you use "Fat rain drops," rather than "Fat drops hit the ground." When I initially read this, I was thinking fat drops, like fat drippings from cooking food. It's obviously clearer as the reader continues, but I would use fat raindrops, so the writing flows a bit smoother. Just a suggestion.

Your description of the setting is very well written. The reader is able to picture Joanna's surroundings as well as what Joanna is seeing. Nice job.

"It was a relief to have escaped the onslaught of the mob of mourners at the cemetery this morning." I found this sentence a bit wordy. "Onslaught of the mob of mourners" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. Alliteration is good, so I would definitely keep "mob of mourners" in the sentence, but perhaps simplify the rest in some way.

I was a little confused by this section: "A silhouette shot across the porch, out of the corner of Joanna's eye. She lurched back into the chair. The source of the silhouette was unclear to Joanna as she assessed the porch again." Are the spirits of Joanna's parents lingering...or is something else going on? It just drops off suddenly, leaving the reader unsure as to what is going on.

Other than those things, I liked this piece. I think it could certainly be drawn out into something bigger.

Nice Job! Write On!
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