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51
51
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Rose, excellent idea for an In and Out...and nicely decorated too! Surprise, I actually had checked Scarecrows' port before I got to your In and Out! Some really nice folks can be found on WDC. And congratulations on winning the Awardicon Ribbon from Hannah for your In and Out entry!
52
52
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: E | (5.0)
Cleverly done.
I have only one complaint.
I don't understand poetry.
I don't know the rules....but
I do know that there is
no rhyming word for Orange

Now, if this looks like
a short piece of poem
Trust in me.. it most
certainly is a naught

Unless one thinks
that a visual pattern
can make up for a
lack of rthyman!
53
53
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Tulean and welcome to WDC!
Before I start the review, I always like to point out that I always assume the writer is serious about this and wants to be published eventually so my reviews are always geared to offer what I see as ways to make the author’s story the best it can be, not a “diss” of the author’s style or story. Remember, a review is only the opinion of the writer and the author is cautioned to accept only what he agrees with and ignore that which he disagrees with. I also do not review something that I think is so poor that it can’t be improved by the author.
That out of the way, onto the review! (I'm only going to do chapter 1 though.. save the others for another review)

You jumped right into the setting the scene, four guy buddies drinking beer and playing pool on a hot August in Chicago. Good dialogue too, sounds like a bunch of real guys having fun. I only review one chapter at a time and by the time we get to the end you’ve placed the “hook” to get me to read on to chapter two by offering some real chilling excitement to come.

The pacing is good too, you move the story right along from the beginning to the end of the chapter, something that I frequently fail to do in my novel.

I did get confused in the beginning though, You told me who the guys are, but when we get to the action in paragraph three (which begins “Three in the side”) I get lost. I can’t tell who is talking to who. Who said “three in the side”? We know it’s not Josh, he’s blind, but I couldn’t tell if it was Glenn or Dale. Let me show you:

“Three in the side,” he slammed the number three ball into the side pocket so hard Josh flinched. “I swear, sometimes I think you’re just pretending to be blind to pick up chicks.” He was grinning as he lined up his next shot. who is the “he slammed”? the reader can’t tell until the next paragraph.)

“Well, what does it matter? Every time I pick one up, you tell me how ugly she is.” As Josh finished Dale laughed and missed his shot. (the previous sentence was an incomplete sentence) “I didn’t hear a ball drop, what’s wrong? Did I figure you out?” (I assume that’s Josh talking, but now I’m really wondering who is speaking Let’s try this to solve the confusion with this rewrite:

“Three in the side,” Dale called out as he slammed the number three ball into the side pocket so hard Josh flinched. Dale looked at Josh and went on, “I swear, Josh, sometimes I think you are just pretending to be blind to pick up chicks.”
“What does it matter?” Josh grinned; “Every time I pick one up, you tell me how ugly she is.”
Dale laughed and missed his next shot.
Josh said, “I didn’t hear a ball drop, what’s wrong? Did I figure you out?”

Remember, when doing dialogue, each characters’ sentences are in their own paragraph

In the next sentence, try taking out both of the “that”s.. People often write “that” when it’s not needed and only serves to slow the flow of the sentence.. Read it both ways, with and without:

Still, he loved playing the game. Mostly it was being around his boyhood friends (that) he liked. He had never met a group of guys (that) he liked more.

You wrote:
“Yeah, we could go over to Lincoln Park and check it out. There have been rumors about ghosts and monsters in there since we were kids. When I was a beat cop I was always being sent down there to check stuff out. There was actually a story about it in the Tribune a few weeks ago. I mean there’s no such thing as ghosts and monsters but it would make for a good story locally. Everyone in Chicago has heard the stories.” Dale was a S.W.A.T. cop for the City of Chicago, and was very down to earth and level headed. He would investigate a haunting fully expecting to have a logical explanation when he was finished. I’m assuming that DALE said that, but you didn’t say so. In dialogue you need to identify who said what by making the speaker part of the dialogue.. Where you do that in the above sentence is after the word ‘stories’ and the quote mark.. Like this:

“...has heard the stories,” Dale said. Then, start a new graph with: Dale was a SWAT....

There are several more instances of that.. remember.. it’s like this: “I like you,” he said. Or: He said, “I like you.” I’ll let you go through the rest of the chapter and fix those up on your own.

As a chemistry teacher, Josh was involved in an accident when one of his students mixed the wrong ingredients during a lab session and lost his sight. No longer able to see the instruments and containers, he took a few classes while he was recovering and became a history teacher instead. If Josh is 100% blind there is no need to say he couldn’t see the instruments and containers.. If he isn’t, I would think you might mention that he was “legally blind” but could make out shapes and colors but couldn’t read instruments and containers.....

“Ok then, let’s do it.” (It is written “OK”. The ending sentence is GREAT... makes we want to go on and continue reading the next chapter.)

That was it; the four friends had sealed their fate and didn’t know it. The night was about to start. For these friends, a ghost story was about to lead to trip to Hell and back.

I do like the story so far, I'm going to come back later and read chapter 2...but I'll not do that tonight, probably next week.

Again, welcome to WDC, poke around... You might want to join the Novel Review Workshop (you'll find the link in my port under "highlighted items". Most of the folks here don't want to read a novel, they want short stuff.. In "Novel Review" that's ALL we read... each others' novels, chapter by chapter. Again, welcome keep writing my friend....
Lyle
54
54
Review of Untitled  
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi Audrey,

Before I begin I want to remind you that a review is simply an OPINION of what someone else things of a story. If you agree with it, then accept it as it's intended: a suggestion to make the story better. If you disagree with how I feel, that's fine, just ignore it, that's up to the author. My intent is to offer suggestions to improve your story, not just "diss" you.

Now, to the review:

You've got some good stuff in this piece. A girl who is drug out by two friends to a club that she didn't really want to go to. She has fun, maybe meets a new guy, then goes home.

The pacing is good, and I like the beginning where the story starts off with the texting message. Unique and draws you into the story.

You drew a great picture of both Melissa and Gaby...girls who seem to be more interested in themselves than their friend they talk into going with them. I get the feeling they are only friends with her because they feel sorry for her.

You handled the dialogue very well, most beginning writers have trouble with punctuation, but you seem to have that well under control.

You had what I thought was an excessive number of misspelled words or grammatical errors (or simple typos or the wrong word) that really tend to distance the reader from your writing... the reader thinks "this author didn't care enough to correct these errors, why should I care about her story?"

I say that, although I allowed for the way young folks talk...a lot of "sentences" that are really phrases, and with really poor English (i.e. "I writ a letter...", "yeah", etc. it's really the way people talk and it's good to use that "English" when appropriate.)

Improvements: I've taken a few of your sentences here and made some corrections/comments here in red:
From: Melissa

Hey girl! Seriously, stop fighting it, you're coming out with me and Gaby tonight whether you like it or not. It'll be great. There's no use sitting at home alone on Valentines day, just give up.

(use some sort of “spacer” instead of so many blank lines. I use four asterisks centered)

I had been getting messages like this one from Melissa and Gaby all week. They went out to a nightclub in Boston last week, but it was sold out and they couldn't get in. While they were standing outside, this guy Eric and his buddy Andrew, who went by (the name of “Riker”, ) Riker, came outside and started talking to them. It turned out that (delete “that”) they happened to be the people who ran that (the) dance night that happened (deleted “that happened”...you had "happened" twice in the same sentence)every Thursday. Eric invited them to come back next week, and they would be put on the guest list and let in free of charge. That day happened to fall on Valentines Day. Since then the messages trying to convince me to tag along had been endless.

Don't get me wrong. I really appreciated being invited but the truth is that nightclubs just really aren't my thing. Why would I want to spend the night in a dark dirty room filled with Sleazy ("sleazy", no capital) dirty guys who just want to get in your pants? Especially on Valentines Day. I would much rather spend my time at home with a good book, and no that's not cheesy, I'm an English major. I repeatedly turned them down. Besides, they were planning on leaving around 9:00 (9 PM or 9 pm) to get there in time and then were meeting up with those two guys. I had a class that night (delete “that night”) that didn't end until 9:30 and I knew they wouldn’t want to wait, and (“and” is very weak, delete “and” and insert a dash instead) I really didn’t want to be the fifth wheel on what is supposed to be a romantic holiday. That's even more pathetic than staying at home by myself (yourself) with a book and a bubble bath. So finally(delete “so finally” and start with “After”) after one last reply, they gave up. (I thought the previous two paragraphs were excessively long. Long graphs make it hard for a reader to follow without losing their place and they have to start over. Do that too many times and they’ll put the story down and go to another.)

I went and changed out of my sweats and into jeans and a sweater for class, and threw a bag of clothes in my trunk for dance class the next morning. I had been on the road about twenty (20...time always is a number, not an ordinal. Ordinals are used from One to Ten – except in ages – and numerals after that) minutes when my cell phone rang.

There were some additional edits I'd really like to suggest, but this is getting pretty long as it stands.

One more thing before I let you go. There is something that I think you really need to do.. there is no conflict resolved, or no surprise ending. At the end of the story, your character just goes home...nothing has been solved done that makes the reader really CARE about the main character or what happened to her. The reader gets the feeling of "yawn, well, OK, so she went out all night, danced and ate and went home.. so what?" Give us a reason to CARE what went on!

I'd like to see you rewrite this piece and let me know. It's not that bad at all.

Re-write! Then go write some more.

P.S. I'd like to see you post one of your stories in the "Paper Doll" forum board so the other forum members can read and review some of yours (remember, they have to be 13+ rated)
Lyle
55
55
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: E | (4.0)
Alie,

Cute! I like all three, but the first and last are ones I can relate to. When I owned a small business I used to say: "I'm not the boss. I'm the janitor and fireman. I put out fires and clean up the messes, that's MY job function."

At any rate. I realize this isn't a story but I think you probably should run it through spell check. You wrote: "sales Vs Operations".. I think you should capitalize the first "s" in sales so it agrees with "Operations."

In the third graph, I think you meant "range", not "rage"...although a "driving rage" almost fits too! :)

Other than those two small errors I loved the entire thing.

Lyle

P.S. Post this in our forum so the other newbies can review it there! :)
56
56
Review of Rising Song  
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: E | (4.0)
Diahan,
Who told you this was "bad"? It's not bad at all.
First, let me explain. I work under the theory that writers here want to learn and become published writers and I review with that in mind. Anything that I may say, or suggest, firstly is my OWN OPINION, that's all, but I also try to not just correct, but to teach you how to not only improve this story, but help you in future writings. As always, you can accept only what you wish and apply it. What you don't accept, you simply discard. Just remember, sometimes I am quite harsh, but it's intended to HELP you, not berate what you have done.
That out of the way, let's review.
You have an interesting little story brewing here. You say it's the prologue to a novel, OK, I'll review it with that thought in mind.
What you need to do is to entice your reader into the story...and do it within the first 100 to 200 words. So, let's delete everything down to and including the word "born". That part does not help to drag the reader into the story. it's the Next paragraph that does.
Read this as the beginning:

RISING SONG

“She’s the loveliest baby in the world,” Kayla Thyme, Omi’s Daughter squealed to her husband, Bard Janan, Marken’s Son, as she gazed into the spider web/starburst shaped centers of the eyes of her newborn daughter.

“Let’s call her Teria; it means ‘beautiful bird’ in my country.” Bard nodded saying, “Teria Song, because her first sound, heard and made, was that of singing instead of crying.” Teria Song, Bard’s Daughter.

Stories have no beginning and no end, but Teria's story could begin when she first gave sign of power:

“Mama, look, look what I can do!” 3-year old Teria............


If you read that with a fresh eye, I think you see that it jumps right into the story, without the rather annoying first three sentences that are the AUTHOR'S words, not Teria's story....Then we pick up your words and once more jump back to Teria....

So we have what I think is a far stronger beginning... yet, something is amiss. I see the new lead sputters a bit as you work out the relationships of the names of the parents and and whose son and daughter they are...The reader gets confused right there.. not what you want to do to a reader right off..it'll turn him off and he'll put the book back on the shelf and buy a different one.. not good. Let's redo the lead graph now:

RISING SONG

“She’s the loveliest baby in the world,” Kayla Thyme squealed to her husband Bard Janan as she gazed into the spider web starburst-shaped centers of the eyes of her newborn daughter; “Let’s call her Teria; it means ‘beautiful bird’ in my country.”

Bard nodded, “Teria Song, because her first sound, heard and made, was that of singing instead of crying, 'Teria Song, Bard’s Daughter.'

Stories have no beginning and no end, but Teria's story could begin when she first gave sign of power:

“Mama, look, look what I can do!” 3-year old Teria............

Later, in Chapter 1 probably, you can go back and sort out the "daughter and son ofs" thingie, for I imagine it has meaning in the rest of the book...Right now, though, it's a hindrance that you don't need.

The balance of the prologue is good, with a couple of changes.
I think all of the paragraphs need to be much shorter. Long graphs are VERY hard on a reader's eyes, he tends to lose his place and has to start over.. Make your graphs two sentences even.. YES, that short. You need the visual break.

Incidentally, in graph five, which begins "Mama, look....." You have two different characters speaking in one paragraph. That's a no-no. Separate paragraphs for each speaker..

The next to last graph that starts: "But at this......" once more it is the author speaking... and that's the weakest way to tell the story.
See if you can re-word that part to get the author OUT of the story....it's not that hard and it will really improve the transition to Chapter 1.

Bottom line.. the story is NOT bad at all... It's got some real merit and a lot of possibilities. I applaud you for what you have done. Once you re-write it, I'd love to see it a second time!

And again, take what you wish from my comments, if anything, and leave the rest to the crows to eat.

Well done!

Lyle
57
57
Review of Why Can't I Fly  
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: E | (4.5)
Trish,
I get the feeling this is, at heart, a true story (with some slight modifications, which we all do in true stories that include ourselves). At any rate, I dearly loved the story and you did an excellent job hiding the twist at the end...which made it really jump up in my eyes.
Clearly you have the writing talent and should go a long way with some training and help...help that you will be able to find here on WDC. More on that in a minute.. back to the review of your story.
One of the first tricks you learn in doing dialogue is this: Once you have established there are only two people talking, you can drop the "he said, she said" stuff... the ready will know who said what. Just every so often you can drop in a character reference to remind them... Let me show you what you could do with your story:

“Momma, “why can’t I fly?
Judy looked at her 7 year old son in astonishment. “Because you were born a human, not a bird,” she answered.
“But momma, I want to fly.”
“People don’t always get what they want."
“Why not, Momma?”
“Because, they just don’t,” she replied in an exasperated tone; "Now run along and play while I finish hanging my wash on the line.”

See how much smooother that went? Much more natural. Notice what I did in the last sentence? Pulled the period out after "tone" and changed it to a semi-colon. That tied the last quote into the rest of the sentence better.
Understand, you don't HAVE to handle it this way, but I personally think it's much better.

Convention has it that to "think" you make the text italic...like this:

He laid there watching the birds overhead. If they can fly, why can’t I?{/} (actually, I think it's "He lay there".)

“Momma,” he said. “I asked God........"
Try it this way: “Momma,” he said, “I asked God ..."

Judy was stunned. She was afraid to .......

So was this reviewer stunned... just excellent...you want to keep writing!

I'd suggest that you do this.. Join one of the "review forums" her. There are several. Members agree to review each others pieces on a weekly basis.. you'd be surprised how much you can learn by both being reviewed, and reviewing someone else piece! Here's a link to the "groups" on WDC:
http://www.writing.com/main/list_items/item_type/g...

Another newbie, Lyle
58
58
Review of Gold Rush 2149  
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
LOL Bluehat,
Well done! Nice story... great twist at the end. I realize this was part of contest for quick writing, but, still, when you review you have to find SOMETHING to comment on. While you are reading this, remember, I liked the story... :)

I know that it reads correctly but when someone is talking they don't say "is this cross-hatch 8"....they say, "is this number 8"..

You wrote: <Lead Programmer and ship’s doctor if your desperate> I think you meant "you're" desperate. I know, typo, but the kind spell check doesn't catch.

Still, bravo for the short, short...I think it's worthy of slipping into Analog between a short and a novella...

Well done,
Lyle
59
59
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well done. Hard to get the whole story in 55 words. I've tried this contest several times and haven't won yet. The only thing I suggest is "idle" might be better written as "idly"...even though I don't think bees DO fly "idle"...they have a purpose. Still...it's worth a five, and some points too. Well done!
60
60
Review of Revoloution  
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Sara
Not many eighth graders would put their diary on line as you have... that takes guts! I didn't see parts that were too confusing...afterall, eighth grade is a confusing time of life. You are no longer a little girl, but you aren't "grown up" yet. Luckily, in a couple of more years you'll be in high school and more mature...not that life will get any easier, just different problems.

I'm sure you are aware of the grammar errors, but there are a few misspellings that you could have caught by running the piece through spellcheck.

Also, for ease of reading, it's a good idea to break up a piece into smaller graphs. Run together in one HUGE graph makes it difficult for the reader to follow with his/her eyes.

I WANTED to read it and found myself floundering until I copied the piece and broke it up. Here is what I have now, (with the spelling errors corrected inside of parends.

Good luck with your writing. keep it up. Remember, when someone does a critique on another persons piece, it's just their opinion. You accept what you agree with and ignore the rest. Here's your piece with the broken graphs and spelling corrections. (also, notice the second space between graphs, that also makes it easier to read online:
Lyle

----

I have made up my mind. I am going to be a human zombie. Any of this is not occuring (occurring) due to the fact that I'm not going to Lahore. None of it. It is all of the things that have been locked inside me since a zillion moments. All of the small pricks on which I did not take out my anger. And somehow, with all of this crying and feeling miserable, I feel content. I like being selfish for once. No, actually I love it. I feel at peace with the devil inside me. I like my heart heavy.

But the wierd (wierd) part is that I can see Her smiling up there. I think maybe its because I'm not at peace with the devil, but with my soul. I like all of these contradictions in me, in whatever I write. So when I read it I can analyse (analyze) myself. But i never read what I have written as a diary. See another contradiction right there. I like not eating so much. I have made myself beleive (believe) that hunger is a sheild (shield) from sorrow.

And whenever I eat now, something or the other happens to reassure me that my imagination has not convinced me into something that is not true. I feel free now. I feel that I'm able to float. I can smile after a long cry. I feel independent though I know that such a thing doesnt (doesn’t) exist. I consider myself to be ugly now. From inside and out. The outside is never a reflection of what you are on the inside but it is not so in me. I am ugly from the inside and out. Since I promised her that I would no longer cut myself, I wont. because I do not break my promises like them.

But since I am pittiying (pitying) myself, I have found hunger which hurts me, and therefore makes me feel better. I love all my deep sighs. I miss grade seven. It was the best school-year of my life. Though I have only had nine, this being the tenth school year of my life counting nursery and kindergarten. Today I am happy. What he said was true. Though i was not trying to follow his advice, I followed it without knowing. In order to get what I most crave for, I have become as selfish as I possibly can and have shut all my emotions and sympathies for everyone out. i have become free!
61
61
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: ASR | (2.5)
Hi,
I'm really not sure what to make of this story. You said this was your first SF story (I remember mine, in eighth grade, written in a #2 pencil on lined paper, about 10,000 words I recall and it involved finding life on Mars in a deep valley). Today, of course, you couldn't write it as SF, because we know that such a valley doesn't exist on Mars.
I get the feeling this story is not only your first SF story, but was one you wrote many years ago as a teenager and slicked up a bit with the reference to "email". I say this because I was quite confused about the "testing" the two guys were doing on the batch of new chemicals. I'm NOT a lab scientist (that went out in high school for me) but boiling a chemical and putting it on various surfaces doesn't seem to me to be testing it for much, particularly when they are looking for a cure for cancer. Right there that breaks my belief that the rest of the story is possible. I don't mind accepting some theory (such as accepting faster than light travel...because that's almost mandatory for any exploration of the universe story.. a la "Star Trek") as being plausible, but if I can't accept the basics of the story, then the story loses it.
I guess what I'm saying is that this basic flaw ruins the story plot for me.
STILL, that being said, I see where you were going with this.... A couple of scientists accidentally unleash some kind of "thing" that grows uncontrollably, kills the secretary, and then snuffs out the two guys....except they aren't snuffed out, the ending shows that they ALL are still alive, somehow... but then you write:

"Larry drifted back into unconsciousness. He knew in his heart it was over. He would live. His life was still in his possession. Whether it would be normal, however, was not in his possession. What mattered most to him was still there.
His life."

Now THAT really confuses me... He becomes conscious, then goes unconscious...but he "knows in his heart it was over"...(I guess he's dying), then you write, "What mattered most to him was still there. His life." I thought that what he wanted most was to be a scientist...

OK, bottom line. The germ of a story is there, and I'd like to see you set the digital file aside, open a new MSWORD.doc, a blank one... and rewrite this story fresh...start from scratch, get the science in better order, and get rid of the puzzling questions that this story leaves with me.

Remember, all of this is just the way I see it. You must accept what you agree with, if any, and ignore the rest of what I've said. It's only my opinion.
--Lyle
62
62
Review of War  
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Sithis,
Good piece, I could feel to my bones, how the soldier felt as you described your "generic war" conflict; you've packed a lot of information and feeling in those few (129) words. I could especially feel for the woman at home talking to their child... well done. Then comes the final stanza...the view from the "other side". Well done!
I do think you need to pay attention to some English errors though, it does detract from the piece. "Its" and "It's" are very troublesome. "it's" is a contraction and is used when you can say "it is" (We rush in assault,
to kill them, its there fault.) That should be "it's". After a period comes a space and then a capital letter. (...been killed.
all is well or so it...) That should be: "...been killed. All is well..."
If those things were fixed I would have rated the piece much higher rating. Keep on writing!
63
63
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Shorter graphs, long ones will drive readers off very quickly in fiction.
I'm still interested in the story, you are giving us a good overview of Ayira and makes us wonder just who "Evren" is. AS of now I'm guessing that we are back in medieval England, but you haven't said that's it exactly, so I'm not sure...which can be good, or not so good. I hope you'll clarify that soon.
I'm pretty sure this isn't the entire chapter 1, that you chopped it off just for posting. I'd love to read the rest of the chapter...and the rest of the book, for I'm pretty sure that's what you are writing...not a short story as you indicated in the chat room.
Good start though, but I'd like to see it revised along the lines I've suggested in the private email to you.
64
64
Review of The Story of "Is"  
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: E | (5.0)
"Is" is a good story. I think it is. On the other hand, it is "Is' " reason for being, is it not? Or is it?

It is "Is' " secret is that not it?

Cute story. But is "Is' " story good enough that it worked for those 7th graders? They can be demanding of most "Is' ". Like is that so or not?
65
65
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: E | (3.5)
Yonnie,
I'm a relative newbie to WDC myself (and a tad overweight also I might add, so I can identify with your "fat battle") I can't add anything though except my doctor keeps telling me that with my mild diabetes I MUST lose weight or else...even that doesn't do any good.
If you are serious about writing, I'll suggest this.. Start writing. Take a look at the "contests" (You'll find the "contest" link at the top of the page (the fifth item under "READING" at the top of this page)... Go there and see what contests interest you.. Write something for that contest... They will give you a "prompt", something that your piece has to be about...and you just write, write, write. OK sometimes there are word limits (or even bottom limits. I even entered a contest that requires EXACTLY 55 words in the story.. that was HARD, but fun).
Then, go read other members stuff they've posted (check out the "genre" listings to find what area interests you), then review their stuff.. believe it or not, it'll help you in your writing quest.
At any rate.. write, write, WRITE.. that's how you'll learn if you "got it" or not.
For me, I'm still wondering and I'm an old retired fart.
66
66
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sariah,
Lovely little story you have here. It took me a minute to get over the shock of reading a story from the point of view of a snake...but, what the heck, if animals can talk in childrens' tales, why not a snake WRITING a story!
Once I was "into" Patrick's point of view I had to chuckle about his "wanting to become part of the family"-- and then "win the family over".
Then I learned something new...curry is green? We never cook with curry, so I didn't know that. And the thought of the little snake rolling around in curry in the hotel kitchen was a great visual.
The fourth graph... ending with "dress Patrick up for the holiday."
The rest of the story kinda slowly lost it's impact. Here the snake was accepted, then found out he couldn't be in the parade...I think the story ending would have been stronger if you took your final sentence "Happy and....first Irish holiday" and added that at the end of the fourth graph.
Still, that' s just the "editor" in me from my journalism days..."tighten the story up." Still, it was a good read. Congratulations, well done.
Lyle
67
67
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: E | (4.0)
Aralls, I enjoyed your Christmas Poem. Well done.
I'm not a big fan of poetry, that I hasten to point out, but yours actually rhymed instead of that "free verse" stuff too many folks use nowdays.
Of course, I'm an old fart and pretty set in my ways.
Still, I did enjoy the poem.
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68
Review of Onward  
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well thought out and quite appropriate for teen fiction (I well remember the first teen SF I read, as I recall, one was in "Boys Life" the Boy Scout monthly magazine that involved a farming family on Ganymede, one of Jupiter's moons.)
I was a bit confused about what ship was going to be "terminated" though, and until the end I thought perhaps it might be the ship the speakers were on. Still, not a major flaw.
As most stories are, they can usually be tightened up with a minor rewrite. I've copied your first two graphs and, in boldface, have written suggested changes to both. Still, well done. Keep on with the stories, I like them. And enjoy the points here, Christmas present for you.

Deep inhalations interrupted the tense atmosphere of the darkened room. Other than that, no words were said. All eyes focused in on the images filtering through the monitor. The eyes watched as the camera rolled down the long narrow corridor of the ship. All they saw were the gray steel walls, deck and overhead. They saw no people.

Deep inhalations broke the tense atmosphere of the darkened control room with the eyes of all on the image of the long, empty corridor as the robot was guided down the steel gray opening looking for people -- to no avail.

A hand gripping a joystick moved right and the camera image moved right down another long corridor. Again, the corridor was empty. The hand moved the joystick left and the image veered left until it came to a ladder. The camera moved up the stairs slowly, peering into the shadows caused by the emergency lanterns that only activated if main power was lost.

The robot operator moved the joystick on his control panel and the robot turned down another empty corridor, then veered left until it came to a stairway (not a ladder). Slowly the robot climbed the stairs, stopping to peer closely in the shadows the emergency light lanterns failed to illuminate. Still, nothing.

After re-reading that, I think "breaths" should replace "inhalations"...this is for teens, not adults.

Again, remember, almost every re-write will improve a story, something I learned in my journalistic career.
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69
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: E | (4.0)
Tammy,
I notice you wrote and modified this article in May of this year. Gas prices HAVE dropped dramatically and the crunch isn't quite so bad (although food prices continue to hang waaaay up there) and you have given some good advice on how to save. Here's a couple of other things you might add though: get a motorcyle and drive that instead of a, shudder, gas-guzzling van; buy flour, sugar, basic meats, pastas...and scratch make all the meals you can instead of spending much more on "ready to microwave" dishes. Cook up two or three meals at once in the oven (saving gas or electricity) and eat one and freeze the other two for later meals. Plant a veggie garden out back. Fresh stuff is tastier, better for you, and usually cheaper than from the grocery store. Put up an antenna and cancel the cable TV, and don't extend that $35 a month cell phone service when the two-year contract is up, cancel your internet provider... no... wait...let's not get silly about this "saving" thing.
Turn the heat control down in the winter and up in the summer. Take MUCH shorter showers (get wet, turn water off, soap up, then rinse off).
OK, so this wasn't a review of what you wrote...just a comment.. so here's 100 points to you from me....consider it a Christmas present.
70
70
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: E | (1.0)
It had funny parts (I just couldn't seem to locate them), but the capitalization needs improvement along with the adjetives and adverbs (not to mention the speeling).
It had a really bad ending though, made me want to barf, so I gave it a fairly low rating (can't we EVER rate a store MINUS 1?)
71
71
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I think you did a good job in your descriptive parts (there was no dialogue of course and I'd like to see that take place ... although with no one else around... heck it carried off OK in 3/4ths of "Castaway". *smile*
Post-apocalyptic novels have been done over and over in SF and definitely need a different "take" on them to be good. I'm guessing the antagonists are a kind of "ghoul" or "vampire" that feasts only on humans. But, if that's so, why hasn't Kadin run across any other human beings. I'm wondering just what WAS the calamity which killed everyone off (and why was Kadin spared?)
I hope those questions are answered soon in the story. I also am wondering how long ago the disaster took place. On one hand we have the smell of decaying produce and meat in the store, so it can't have been very long ago or it would be gone...yet we have a chunk taken out of his leg at some point but the wound has healed now (except for the limp). I'm not sure a pack of cigs would "explode" in a fire. They could "burst into flames and burn brightly" but "explode" is overstating it I think. You used the word "grocer" twice when I think the word you want is "grocery" or "market". A "grocer" would be the owner or manager of the grocery store...at least in the US.
Watch the length of your paragraphs. LONG graphs get boring and hard to read, and will drive the reader away. Break them up at logical break points. The first graph could be broken at: "The smell of rotting", then at "There was a loud" and "The bastard had".
You have some spelling and grammatical errors also. "There" is a location as "it's over there", "their" refers to ownership as in "it's their dog"
There are also some typos, you wrote "Is body was stretched out by the fire ad his bag"... You meant "His body was stretched out by the fire and his bag". Typos are very annoying to many readers and too many of them will result in them deciding you don't really care about the story, so why should they, and they will put it down.
OK, now I want to read the next chapter...where is it?
72
72
Review by Sticktalker
Rated: E | (2.0)
The CTPF was formed in 2312 A.D. by Private Entrepreneurs as a response to the growing incidents of Piracy along the various Trade Routes passing through the Asteroid Belt. <<watch your use of capitals. Capitals are used in proper names, here "private entrepreneurs" "piracy" are nouns, not proper names. Edit for this throughout your story. -- offhand I notice these words quickly: "trade routes", "Nations for Setting up of a Lunar Base", and "cheap fuel".
I doubt if the captain would be able to see more than one asteroid at a time, the belt is HUGE and the asteroids in it are thousands and thousands of miles apart from each other.
They ships went up in "red flames"? Space has no oxygen, things do not "go up in red flames" they would, however, "explode in a huge blast" as the oxygen in the ship would allow the combustibles to quickly burn.
I think the technical and grammatical errors in the story made it difficult to enjoy reading it...but I DO wonder what kind of "Russian Roulette" the captain is going to make the pirates play.
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