I enjoyed the short story and I think everybody is put in to positions where things tend to spin out of control based off a sense of irritation. I liked the way you minimized the wording in a way to make it simple to read and yet had enough that it gave full detail of his situation. It is fitting the way you ended it because most end it with a fresh start, but you left it hanging which was the right decision in this case. Good job and look forward to reading more of your writing.
I think your style and rhythm is very good in this so far. I feel a little lost at the beginning as if I am unprepared for the characters that you have created. I started to understand more toward the end, but there was a confusion that might make people stop reading. I think the transition from one to another seemed difficult to follow but those are things you can easily adjust. I think your gifted in your writing and it is charismatic, and hope to see how you improve from here. I would give you a 3.7 for stars, but it is close to mid 4's. I think very close.
The minimalist style works, because you definitely minimized the amount of words, but I believe that the words of a lesser importance then the meaning behind the minimized statement. The words linked together but it didn't give me a clear idea or point to the poem. You proved you can share can create a working model of a minimized poem, but you need to focus more on using more striking words that convey a message that puts a image in a persons mind. This didn't really connect with me and form a image. I look forward to your next poem and hope my advise helped you some.
Content: The content it self is important and because it is situation that many people do come in contact with bullying it is something that is really important to write about. Writing is a part of expression, and it is a way you can get it out, and not hold it in.
Grammer: I understand that when thoughts come out on paper it is in a flury, but I do see some run on sentences. I understand that because I have been guilty many times of the exact same thing. I was given this piece of advice from a very wise member, and I will pass it on. This site has a great tutorial with grammer and word placement. It helped me quite a bit, and it helps you make the errors that I typically make by rushing my writing.
Your writing did put me in the mind of the person being bullied, and it is quite impactful. I think your writing has that impact that it sometimes really hard to find in writing, and with some small alterations you will definatly be somebody people read on a regular basis.
I hope this helped a little bit, and please continue to write.
I was thrown for a loop when the last line came, because the importance of the promise didn't connect with what was happening, but in the last sentence you connected the need and the reason. I believe it has a lot of merit, and the only thing I was not sure of was the feeling there should of been one more paragraph to link the first and three paragrahs together, but other then that a job well done.
It was a very clever and funny collaboration. It was done in a way that I laughed outloud a few times. I really can't wait to see more installments and new stories from the creaters of this one. I was able to go through it so many differnt ways so I really appreciate the work put in to something like this.
It is a good poem and I liked how the lines were not forced, but seemed to flow well. I hope to get a chance to read more from you and see how you progress. I think you have the talent to put together a really good poem book, and hope that your other poems are as well done.
I enjoyed this chapter, and it is well written. The story is unique and it the descriptions are really well done. At times I got lost in the story, but it wasn't because of the writing, but more because their was so much information packed in the paragraphs that it took me a little time to process it. It is a really good start to the story and look forward to reading the next chapter.
The writing is very well done, and I liked the way it was very expressive with out overdoing details. It is very hard to write detailed battle, and I believe she has done a great job doing it. The start was a little hard to follow at the beginning and using a time line is something that is difficult to adjust too, but overall the writing is excellent.
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/stormkaster
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 2:21pm on Nov 10, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "