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74 Public Reviews Given
128 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I will write a detailed review of your item that goes into detail about the positives and negatives of your item. I color code each section so everything is easy to see once you view your review.
I'm good at...
Short Stories, Chapters, Essays, Opinions, and Articles
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, Romance, Sci-fi, and Action/Adventure
Least Favorite Genres
Horror, and Erotica
Favorite Item Types
Statics, Polls, Word Searches
Least Favorite Item Types
N/A
I will not review...
Poetry, Lyrics, and novels.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a very good item! I enjoyed reading this story and you drew me as the reader into this. I'm honestly not sure if this is something you made up or if this is based on real-life events that have happened in your life, but I was drawn into the story that you crafted. This was a very good story that managed to hold my interest.

On the technical aspect, I must say that you have a very clear voice that is easy for a reader to follow. I could not find any spelling or grammar errors, so good job on that aspect as well! Overall, there are no technical issues that I could find.
****************

Positives and Negatives

Positives

+This item is very interesting and is an enjoyable read.
+There are no grammar errors in this item
+You have a very clear voice, and your writing style is very good!
+There are no spelling errors in this item

Negatives

-None that I could find! Good Job!
***********

Final Thoughts!

I really liked this item! To answer a question you asked when you submitted this, I would love to see six hundred more words for this story! If you do add to it, let me know and I'll even revise with a new review. For now, good job and Write on!
****************


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review of A "Worthy Goal"  
Rated: E | (4.5)
First, I want to welcome you to WDC! I hope you are enjoying it here, and if you need any help, please feel free to ask me. I've been here since 2003, so I'm sure I can help you out if needed*BigSmile*

I'm sending you a "Welcome to WDC" gift in the form of 10,000 GPs. Hope you enjoy!

Now, here is my review of this item.
***********************************************
The first thing I would like to say is that you have a very clear voice with your writing. Your writing style is easy for the reader to follow, does not get bogged down, and provides enough information to ensure the reader can properly enjoy the story.

I enjoyed the content of the story and found the premise to be very interesting. As for grammar, you have a very solid grasp of grammar, so no issues there. I also could not find any spelling errors, so again, good job!

About the only issue I have is that your paragraphs were hard to read with spaces between them. My advice would be to space between paragraphs to make them easier to read.

Otherwise, I enjoyed this story!
********************
Positives and Negatives

Positives

+This story is a very enjoyable read.
+There are no grammar errors in this item
+You have a very clear voice, and your writing style is very good!
+There are no spelling errors in this item

Negatives

-Spaces between the paragraphs would make it easier to read!
***********

Final Thoughts!

I really liked this item! I really enjoyed this story! You have a very good writing style, and I hope to see more items from you! Again, welcome to WDC and Write on!
****************

*Angel* This has been a review on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" !!*Angel*
3
3
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (2.0)
First off, I want to welcome you to Writing.com! I hope you are enjoying your time on here so far! If you need help with anything, let me know.



Now moving to the review. I do want to say one thing before I go into more details and that is this. I see massive potential in your story, and I think it could develop into something great. I don't want you to be discouraged by the score and think I am bashing it. I want to help you improve your story and point out the issues that hold it back.



Now, the most notable thing I have noticed so far and the biggest issue is that you are telling the reader things, rather than showing them through actions. This was a major issue when I began to write, so don't get discouraged.



But to engage readers, you have to draw them in and actions speak louder than words.



Let me give you an example.



This is the first thing that the reader will see in your story.



"John Bulb is a smart young man, he is a freshmen and he has a dream to one day be an engineer just like his dad."



From that, the reader knows that John Bulb is a smart young man, he's a freshmen, and he hopes to one day be an engineer like his dad. The issue is that you present the information to the reader without any action or way to draw them into the story.



Now, let me give you an example of showing, rather than telling with the same information.

********

Sweat rolled down John Bulb's face as he leaned back in his chair. Finally done with my homework from Freshmen English. Tossing the pen on the desk, he breathed a sigh of relief as he closed his eyes. That should be all the homework for today Leaning forward, he shuffled the papers into a backpack. I'll proofread this later to ensure I get a good grade. I can't risk getting kicked off honor roll. It's a requirement to join the engineering club at school



Standing up, he grabbed a can of soda off the desk. Sipping from the soda, he grabbed an engineering book off a shelf. I'll have to study this some more. He felt an uneasiness grip him as he opened the book. I want to be an engineer just like my dad, but the things he says to me.... He lowered his head as the thoughts overtook him. What kind of man calls his own son a piece of crap?

*******

The same information about John is given to the reader with that example. From that, we can tell he's a freshman, he's a bright young man, and he wants to be like his father.



The key difference is that you draw the reader into the world and make them want to follow John's story. We see his thoughts, and how his father's words have hurt him emotionally. Rather then just giving off the information like an article, you are writing a living world that the reader wants to enter. You give some insight to John, his actions, the setting(him sweating for example shows that he's in a hot room either in the spring or summer), and that he's a bright young man since he's on the honor roll and intends to stay on.



The thought about being on honor roll also shows his interest in engineering, since he has to stay on to join a club at this school.



All of that was a raw example I wrote while doing this review, but I wanted to show an example which I hopefully made clear.



Moving to other aspects of your story, there are some issues that I noted.



"John your my son so i have the right to say this, your a piece of crap."



Two things jumped out at me with this sentence. Namely, you need to captalize "I" and you should have written "You're", rather than your.



" I know you make 4 grand a week"

In general, write out numbers like using "Four" rather then 4.



"Your mom hates you and that's why your last name is bulb and ours is Smith."

You missed capitalizing the "B" in Bulb.

********



Positives and Negatives



Positives



+This story has potential, and will be a great read once the issues are worked out

+I like the main character, and the overall idea of the story.



Negatives



-You need to show, rather than tell with your writing.

-There are some grammar and spelling issues that you should check for.

-This story has potential, but I felt like I was reading a rough draft that needed more work.

***********



Final Thoughts!



I don't want you to be discouraged by my review. Hopefully, this will help your improve and develop your story and your writing going forward. If you want any help, please feel free to contact me. You have a great idea, it just needs to be refined. Good luck, and Write on!

****************



*Angel* This has been a review on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" !!*Angel*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, this is an interesting and rather enjoyable read.

For a children's story, I think you did a very good job with it. I enjoyed the characters, the storyline, and the direction this story took. As I read it, I could see it being a book with pictures that a child may enjoy.

For a children's story, you have a clear, easy to follow voice. Your writing style makes the major plot elements of a story clear to the reader, and you don't confuse the reader with confusing shifts to the flow of the story.

If there is one thing that bothers me, its the fact that this story is oddly formatted. Lines seem to jumble next to each other, there are no spaces in the formatting, and the paragraphs seems to be spaced in an odd way. Its not a major issue, but if an adult reader is having some issues reading with the current formatting, then I think your target audience of children might also have issues reading this.

I would highly advise you revise your formatting in this story.

One other thing in regards to formatting, why are names bolded? Why did you do that when you wrote this?

On the Technical side, I could not find any spelling or grammar issues.
****************

Positives and Negatives

Positives

+This is an enjoyable children's story with great characters and a very good plot.

+There are no grammar errors in this item

+You have a very clear voice, and your writing style is very readable, especially for the target audience of this story.

+There are no spelling errors in this item

Negatives

-The formatting is odd, and makes the story rather hard to read.
***********

Final Thoughts!
You have a very good children's story here! I think outside some minor issues with the formatting, its one of the better ones I have read. Your characters and plot are top-notch, and I see this story having tons of potential! Good job and Write on!
****************

*Angel* This has been a review on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" !!*Angel*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review of Cheerleader  
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a wonderful, heartwarming story! I very much enjoyed this story, and I feel that you did an excellent job of getting the reader emotionally attached to your writing. We all have friends that serve as our cheerleaders in life, and I think you managed to capture that perfectly!


On the technical side of writing, I did not find any errors. Your spelling and grammar are perfect, and you write in a clear voice that easy for a reader to follow. You have properly spaced your paragraphs which makes it easy for a reader who views this on a computer screen.

Positives and Negatives

Positives

+This item has a very positive theme.
+The Writer does a good job of getting the reader emotionally involved in the story.
+There are no grammar errors in this item
+You have a very clear voice, and your writing style is very good!
+There are no spelling errors in this item

Negatives

-None that I could find! Good Job!
***********

Final Thoughts!

I really liked this item! I think you have a good story here! You have a very good writing style, and I hope to see more items from you! Write on!
****************

*Angel* This has been a review on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" !!*Angel*
6
6
Review of Closure  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well, this was a very enjoyable read! I have read many things over the years on Writing.com, and this stands as one of one of the most enjoyable stories I have read on here!

I liked the premise behind your story. You also have very good characters who are developed and interesting to read. The story kept me hooked from start to finish, and I loved the twist that was in the story. All in all, you created a great story that has a good plot, interesting characters, and the ability to keep me as the reader hooked.

Now, onto the technical aspects of your story. You have a very clear voice with your writing that is easy to follow and for the reader to understand. More importantly, you show what the characters are facing in the story, making it easier for the reader to get involved with the story and the characters. As for spelling and grammar, I found no issues!

*******************

Positives and Negatives

Positives

+I enjoyed the premise of this story
+I liked the characters in this story, and thought they were well-developed
+There are no grammar errors in this item
+You have a very clear voice, and your writing style is very good!
+There are no spelling errors in this item

Negatives

-None that I could find! Good Job!
***********

Final Thoughts!

As I said before, I consider this one of the best stories I have ever read on Writing.com. You have a good writing style, and your plot and characters were excellent. I felt that this was a very enjoyable read! Good job and write on!
****************

*Angel* This has been a review on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" !!*Angel*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
Review of Inspiration  
Rated: E | (5.0)
First off, I want to welcome you to Writing.com! I hope you are having a good time on here. If you need any help, let me know! As for your item, I enjoyed it. You very clearly introduced yourself, and gave some impression of what you want on Writing.com. Since this is more of a personal item, I'm not going to judge your spelling or grammar but from what I read, I see no problem.

Welcome again, and I hope you enjoy Writing.com! I'll make sure to review any items you put up!

And as a gift, I'm giving 2,000 GPs!
8
8
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a very good item, and I found myself hooked with what I had read so far. You have a very good writing style, with a clear and easy to follow voice. I found no spelling errors or grammar errors in your story. I did notice that the story cuts off suddenly, which leaves me as the reader hooked.

I am interested in seeing more of this story, and I will do another review for this story once it becomes more complete.
9
9
Review of Animal Wordsearch  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This was a very good word search, I had fun trying to find all the animals that were hidden in the search. You had a wide array of animals to find, and even some their actions, given the player some variety. Your instructions were clear for the wordsearch, and I found no spelling or grammar errors.

Good job and write on!
10
10
Rated: E | (5.0)
I enjoyed taking this poll, and it helps show just how far reaching WDC really is. Good job, and I liked how many options the poll covered. As for other aspects of the poll, I cold not find any issue with spelling or grammar errors, and the options were clearly laid out for the voter.

Good job and write on!
11
11
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
First off, I want to welcome you to Writing.com! I hope you find this review useful, and if you need any help onsite, feel free to let me know!

Well, this is a very inspiring item, and is a good read for anyone who need help finding inner peace. More importantly, I love the message this item conveys. A very positive message for anyone who happens across this item. You have a very clear voice, and your points and both easy to follow and understand.

From a technical standpoint, this item is very well done. There are no spelling errors that I could find, and your grammar and punctuation was perfect. As I said before, you have a very clear and easy to follow writing style.
****************

Positives and Negatives

Positives

+I enjoyed the message of this item!
+I loved the inspirational tone of this item, and found it to be helpful
+There are no grammar errors in this item
+You have a very clear voice, and your writing style is very good!
+There are no spelling errors in this item

Negatives

-None that I could find! Good Job!
***********

Final Thoughts!

I loved this item. I felt that the inspirational message is a good one, and helps remind us that we can help ourselves, no matter what life tosses our way. Good job and Write on!
****************

*Angel* This has been a review on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" !!*Angel*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Rated: E | (4.5)
Thank you for your entry in "Ladies Night Out Contest" ! Here is a review of your entry.


I rather enjoyed this story! I thought you had a great plot, and the music inspired you to write a nice plot about an elderly couple and their love. Your characters had good depth, and I think the story was written very will plot-wise!

From a technical standpoint, this story is well done. There are no spelling errors that I could find, and your grammar and punctuation was perfect. As I said before, you have a very clear and easy to follow writing style, and you don't let your story get bogged down with needless details. That helps ensure the story flows quickly!
****************

Positives and Negatives

Positives

+I enjoyed the plot of this story!
+The story flows quickly, and is easy to follow!
+There are no grammar errors in this item
+You have a very clear voice, and your writing style is very good!
+There are no spelling errors in this item

Negatives

-None that I could find! Good Job!
***********

Final Thoughts!

I really enjoyed this item. I think this story was very well written, and it was a very heartwarming read! Good job! Write on!
****************
13
13
Review of Theft of Words  
Rated: 13+
Thank you for your support of "Invalid Item" ! This is the first review in the 5-item Port Raid!


I enjoyed this story, and the twist at the end was something I did not see coming! I love seeing stories that take a special perspective into history, and it was a unique look at one of the defining moments in history. Your plot was very good, and I enjoyed the characters as well. I was hooked from start to finish when I read this story!

From a technical standpoint, this story is well done. There are no spelling errors that I could find, and your grammar and punctuation are perfect. You have a very clear and easy to follow writing style, and you don't let your story get bogged down with needless details.
****************

Positives and Negatives

Positives

+This was a very enjoyable story!
+I enjoyed the plot and characters in this story!
+The story flows quickly, and is easy to follow!
+There are no grammar errors in this item
+You have a very good writing style!
+There are no spelling errors in this item

Negatives

-None that I could find! Good Job!
***********

Final Thoughts!

This story was a very unique take on history, and showed how everyone has a chance to influence history in some way! I enjoyed this story, and I think it's a very well written story with good characters and narrative! Good job on this story and write on!
****************


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14
Review of Keep  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (2.5)
First off, welcome to Writing.com! I hope you are enjoying the site so far!

I like the idea behind this story, and I think you have the foundations for an excellent story. I did enjoy what I read, but the story is just missing that depth that I would love to see in a story. You have the base, but you never go into any real detail about the world, or its characters. As an example, the Earth is destroyed after the alien attack, with only one city left. If that many people are forced to live there, what is it like? Is disease common? Was this one city damaged during the alien attack? How does the city support so many people if its the last place people can live? I want to be clear, I am not bashing the core of your idea, in fact I think its very strong. The problem that I see is that we are just being given the surface details. What is this world like? How do you live on a ruined planet with one city left? What is the government like?

This also extends to the characters as well. Who is Xion? Right now, he is simply a name in the story. What makes Xion any different from "Generic character?" The audience knows nothing about him. We don't have his thoughts to know who he really is, we don't see him really interact with his world in the sense that is he is a living breathing character. A character needs more than a name on a page. The character has to have depth, and they need to draw the audience into the world. If I put "Kata" in place of Xion, what would be the difference? I'm not being mean, but Xion is simply a name. What is his relationship with other people? How did he interact with the caves? Was it cold? Warm? Was it damp? What were the feelings of Xion as he walked into the cave? Characters are the reader's link to the world that you create. Without depth, you could simply interchange the names and have the same result.

You have a problem with telling, rather than showing in this story. You are telling the audience everything, rather than showing them by having the character interact with their world.

Here's an example.

Telling:
Bill picked up a magazine off the shelf. He cut his finger as he flipped through the pages.

Showing
Bill rubbed his chin as he stood in front of the magazine rack, his eyes looking over the covers as the smell of the nearby bakery in the grocery store filled the air. He studied the shelves carefully, looking for the magazine that he was after. Good, the latest Sports Car Monthly is here he thought as he picked the magazine up off the shelf. He took a moment to admire the black car on the cover before he opened the magazine. Flipping through it, he winced in pain slightly as he cut his finger on one of the pages. "Darn!" He yelled in frustration as he saw blood flow out of the small cut on his hand.

Now, this is a raw example that I made up on the fly, but this shows what I am talking about. Both examples show Bill picking up a magazine and cutting his finger while reading it. The first one however, gives us the most basic details. The second one shows him rubbing his chin as he looks for a magazine, shows his thoughts as he finds what he is looking for, and even shows his reaction and the sensation of pain when he cuts his fingers.

Both cover the same core idea, but the second example allows the reader to interact with the world. They know what the character is thinking, and helps make the scene much richer.

If you need any further help or have questions about this, check this item out.

"Week 4: Focus on Fiction"   by a Sunflower in Texas



Now, I will say that your grammar and spelling are very good in this item! I could not find any mistakes in this story! Your formatting is a bit hard to read on a computer screen, so you may want to keep in eye out for that.
********


Positives and Negatives

Positives

+This item has a very interesting premise.
+There are no grammar errors in this item
+There are no spelling errors in this item

Negatives

-Your characters lack any depth or defining characteristics. What makes your characters tick? How do they interact with their world?
-Your world lacks any depth outside of surface details. Besides the remaining city and the aftermath of the alien attack, what is this world like? How do people live in it?
-You tell rather than show with your story.
***********

Final Thoughts!

I really don't want you to be discouraged with my review. I know my score is low, but I liked the idea behind this story, and I think with effort, it can become a really amazing story! If you need help, please ask me or your fellow writers on WDC and we will be happy to help you. Don't give up and Write on!
****************

*Angel* This has been a review on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" !!*Angel*








*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
15
Review of Finding Luna  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (3.5)

I want you to know, I really liked this story! It was an enjoyable read, and I was very happy that I clicked on it. The plot was good, and it was nice to read a heartwarming story about a dog that found a good home. You have a very good writing voice, and the story does move along without getting bogged down. I think this story has good potential, but there is a major issue that needs to be addressed.

First, the formatting for this story is very hard to read on a browser. I would suggest you break your paragraphs up, with spaces between each. That would make it easier for the reader to follow the story. Right now, it looks very jumbled to the eye, making it harder to follow the story. On the other hand, I did not notice any spelling errors or typos in this review, so good job with that! Also, there were no typing errors that I could see, so you did a really good job!
*****************
Positives and Negatives

Positives

+This story is a very sweet little tale about a puppy that gets rescued! I liked the theme of this story!
+There are no grammar errors in this item that I could find
+You have a very clear voice, and your writing style is very good!
+There are no spelling errors in this item

Negatives

-The formatting for this item needs some serious work. It runs together, and makes it much harder to read the item.
-You should break the story up into paragraphs. It would make it easier to read this item
***********

Final Thoughts!

I see alot of potential with this story! The plot is good, your characters are pretty well developed, and this was an enjoyable read overall! Your spelling and grammar is excellent. The only real issue that I have is with the formatting of this item. If you need any help or have questions about this or the formatting tools on WDC, please feel free to contact me! Write on!
****************

*Angel* This has been a review on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" !!*Angel*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
16
16
Review of HP Slate  
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (4.0)
As someone who is into technology to some degree, I really enjoyed this item! This was a very informative item, and helped tell me about the HP Slate. You also went into some detail about HP Slate, along with your personal experience with technology. I found it rather interesting you used the first Macintosh. The ISD I went to used various models of Macintosh computers, and even had a few Apple IIs. So, I had a special interest in this item, and the way you presented the information was really well done!

Now, from a writing standpoint, there are a few issues. First off, I like your wiritng style. I think you have a very clear voice, and you presented the information very well. But, there were some typos that caught my eye, and I will go into these typos in the next section.
****************
{ b}Typos

Here are the following typos that I saw in this item. I will quote the sentence in question, and offer my suggestions beside the quoted text.

"Since I was using my black and white kindle for more than just reading, I thought it was a good time to make the jump to the ‘next big thing’. For me, it meant a tablet." (I noticed this kind of error throughout your item, so I want to bring it to your attention. Since you are referring to the Amazon Kindle Tablet, the word "Kindle" should be capitalized since you are referring to a proper noun, which in this case is a product name)

"I had been very good about utilizing the kindle that I had bought myself a year before buying this devise." (Again, this it a pretty common error in this item. I assume you meant to use the word device. Since devise itself is a correct word, a spell check will miss an error like this.)

"Since it was a new entry into the tablet devices, the HP device was twenty dollars less than a comparative kindle fire and Samsung Galaxy."(This is another common error in this item. You seem to be random about items that have their names capitalized. Just something to keep an eye out for.)
******
Positives and Negatives

Positives

+This item has a very interesting them that I enjoyed!
+You have a very clear voice, and your writing style is very good!
+This was a very enjoyable read!

Negatives

-There were some issues with capitalization of proper names. Keep an eye out for those kind of errors!
-There were a few minor spelling errors. Remember, spell check can't catch all errors.
***********

Final Thoughts!

I really liked this item! I found the subject matter very interesting. You have a very good writing style, and I hope to see more items from you! Just keep an eye out for the few minor errors that are in this item! Write on!
****************

*Angel* This has been a review on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" !!*Angel*







*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
17
17
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really like this piece, its very positive and helps to focus on what you want to change in the new year. I like the theme of this item, which to help people people by being their friend while remaining true to your faith. Its a very good message, and an excellent resolution to have as we go into the new year.

From a technical standpoint, this item is very well-written. You have a very clear and easy to follow voice, and the focus of this item is easy to understand. Your spacing and paragraphs are perfect, and I see no technical errors or problems in this item. There are no spelling errors in this item.
*******

Positives and Negatives

Positives

+This item has a very positive theme, and the writer clearly lays out her goals for the next year.
+There are no grammar errors in this item
+You have a very clear voice, and your writing style is very good!
+There are no spelling errors in this item

Negatives

-None that I could find! Good Job!
***********

Final Thoughts!

I really liked this item! I think you have some positive goals for the new year, and its good that you wrote them down. You have a very good writing style, and I hope to see more items from you! Write on!
****************

*Angel* This has been a review on behalf of "The WDC Angel Army" !!*Angel*
18
18
Review of Seeking Hope  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This story has alot of potential, and I did enjoy what I read. I felt the struggle that Jessica has against her father, who is clearly a monster. Your characters are very good and well-defined, and you have a clear and easy to follow to voice. But the main problem that I see si that this story is incomplete. Now, this would not normally be an issue had you marked this as a WIP(Work in progress) or Draft, but the link that I followed led me to believe that this would be a full story.

Something to keep in mind is the fact that you are presenting your work to a public audience, and over half of the story is missing. Now, was this supposed to be part of a novel? Or were you simply unable to finish the story that you posted. I'm not picking on you, but keep in mind that just like posting a work with spelling errors or other typos will draw negative feedback, so will posting an incomplete story.

On the topic of spelling errors and typos, I am very impressed. You did a really good job on this end, and I only found two typos in this story.

The first one is this one.

I fight and scream in despair but I knew no one owuld hear me

I am assuming this word is "Would".

And the other issue I noticed is that none of your I's were capitalized.


I don't want you to be discouraged by my score. I loved almost everything about this story. I loved the characters and how developed they were, I loved that you have a clear voice, and I loved how your story was not fully of typos. I think this story has lots of potential and could be something great if developed properly.

What hurt the score for me was the fact that this was n incomplete.

But don't let that stop you. This story has lots of potential! Just keep working for it!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
19
19
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really, really liked this item. With out soldiers fighting in foreign lands for our freedom, it's easy to lose sight of the many sacrifices they make to ensure the safety of the US and its citizens. It's always inspiring to see an item like this that reminds them that they are not alone, and many people regardless of politics support them.

On the technical side of things, I can't say that I found anything wrong with this item. You wrote it in a clear voice, there are no spelling or other grammar errors, and you wrote something that appeals to many people and makes them stop and think. You have done an excellent job with this item, and I am very happy to see items like this on WDC. Above all else, it warms my heart and makes me happy seeing an item like this.

Good job!
20
20
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
First off, I wish to apologize if this review seems to be a bit late. I pride myself on doing timely reviews for any item that is posted at All-Star Reviews, and I strive to get reviews on items done on the same day I post them. With that said, I think you have a very good story. I like the plot of the story, I thought the characters were rich and had some depth, and the storyline hooked from from start to finish. Its a rather interesting piece, and I have to give you props on coming up with an interesting idea.

On the technical side, I really did not find any typos or spelling errors. Your writing style is clear and easy to understand, and you have an excellent voice that keeps the reader involved with the story. About the only thing I might have an issue with is the formatting of the item. It was a bit hard on the eyes, and due to the way WDC formats items, it does get hard to read without straining your eyes. But that's something of a minor issue, and more of a personal one at that.

Overall, you have a very solid item. You plot is good, the characters are well-defined, and its free of typos. I enjoyed what I read, and I would suggest you keep writing.

****************

Pros and Cons

Pros


+This story has a very good plot
+The Characters are well-defined and have some depth
+The author's voice is clear and his writing style is easy to follow
+This piece does not have any spelling errors or typos.

Cons

-Its a minor issue, but the formatting is somewhat hard to read.

Final Rating: 4.5

This is a very strong piece that had a good plot, excellent characters, and is well-written from a technical standpoint. Overall, this is an excellent story.
21
21
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I think you're on the right path with this chapter, although I do have a few suggestions.

Overall, you have a good idea, and the storyline is good. The main character has problems that people can relate to, making it much easier for readers to identify with her. Many people come from broken homes, and many of the conflicts arise from things like money. The major issue I see is how this story seems to skim the surface when it comes to details. Instead of telling us what her brother did to comfort her, why not show them talking with each other and directly interacting?

It would add something more to the storyline if the girl talks to her brother, and we can see the bond between the two siblings. You have a good story, but you seem to tell the reader everything instead of showing them through actions, dialogue, and interaction with the world within the storyline.

Moving on to the technical aspects, you did a very good job. There are no spelling errors, and one minor typo. You should always write out numbers, so "3rd" should be written out as third. Also, you seem to have the story centered. Unless there is a good reason for doing that, you should try to avoid doing that.

You have a very good story, and I can see the potential with this plot. You have a character that many readers can relate to and the storyline is something that will draw in readers. The major issue is the fact that you are telling the reader what the girl is thinking. Show us more how she interacts with her brother, and show us why they have such a close bond.

Don't get discouraged by my comments. You have a good idea, basic plot, and character. You just need to expand thing and draw the reader into the world that you created.


*******

Pros and Cons
+The character is a very good character, that has problems many readers can relate to
+The basic plot is solid, with the conflict and characters being well established.
+Overall, the storyline is free from any real spelling errors or typos.

Cons
-The reader is told too much, without a chance to draw their own conclusions from dialogue or the actions of characters
-The story lacks details, and would benefit greatly from being expanded. Show us the reason why the bond between the girl and her brother is so close.
-In most cases, numbers should be written out


Final rating-3.5
Its a solid start to a storyline, although it could use some work. Hopefully, my comments will prove to be useful.
22
22
Review of Alone  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an interesting story, and it raises various questions while I read it. I loved the ending, and it makes me want to see more. You did a good job of getting the reader hooked to the storyline and wanting more. I have no idea if you intend to make this a series, but you have a great idea.

On the technical side of things, I looked over the storyline and could find nothing wrong. There are no typos, the story flows well and there are no typos that I could find.


Overall, this is a great story that draws the reader in. You have a good voice, there are no typos, and this is one of the best items I've read on this site to date.
*********

Pros and Cons

Pros
+The plot of this story is very good
+The story is well-written and draws the reader in
+There were no spelling errors or typos in this story.

Cons
-None that I could find.
23
23
Review of The Seeing Stone  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a very, very good story. To be honest, I can't seem to find anything wrong with it. The pace is good, its action-packed, the narrative keeps you hooked, and the dialouge is excellent. I liked the storyline, and I really liked the characters of both Horak and Gundar. Overall, this is an excellent story and I can't find anything wrong with it.

Excellent job!!
24
24
Rated: E | (3.0)
You are off to an excellent start. The story is intesting and you seem to put some originality into the old "Evil brother vs. Good Brother" storyline.

Sadly, this story has some problems that keeps it from reaching its full potential.

First topic I want to bring up is the setting. I'm assuming from your dialogue that the story takes place in Feudal Japan. You keep referring to the leader in the story as a king. This is incorrect. The leader of Japan at this time would be the Shogun, which is the military leader who held all the power.

In addition, there was always an emperor on the throne, but he held no real power, and was simply a figurehead for the government.

My point is that Japan never had ruler that was called a "king". I'm not sure if you're going for historical accuracy here, but I would highly suggest you call the leader in you story the Shogun.

Secondly, I have to comment on your style and grammar. You make several mistakes in the piece, the first of which is the date "A.D." In the story you write it as ad with no puncation or captiaztion. In addition, there are several spelling errors in the piece, so I highly recommend you do a spell-check.

Finally, this story seems to lack any kind of flavor of style that tells me it takes place in Japan. If you haven’t told me that it took place in Japan, I would have simply assumed it took place in The Middle Ages Europe or in a fantasy realm.

I highly suggest you do some research on Japanese culture. This would not only liven up and strengthen the story, but it would also remove any doubts on where the story takes place.

One last thing that bothers me is this line
"The two princes were just robots that were being controlled by the swords."

What bothers me about this is that the word robot is used in the dialogue. A speaker for this era would not use the word robot. He would use a word such as puppet.

Whew...

Now for the positives and negatives...

On the positive side...

+ Interesting well thought out story.
+ Nicely written from first-person view.

On the negative side...
- Spelling and grammar errors!! Proofread!!
- Incorrect historical facts.
- Too little Japanese styling. Add more references to the Japanese culture.

Best of luck, I see great potential with this story!!

Write on!
Aaron

25
25
Review of THE FLEETS IN  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Ok, this is a pretty decent story. But one problem jumps at me... Apperantly, you kept on your caps lock key as you typed this, because everything is in Caps!!! It seems almost you're screaming the story at the reader, instead of just telling it.

You only captialize an entire sentence, phrase, or quote only when you want to emphise strong emotions. In a short story, a good example is when a charcter is yelling or desplaying extreme emotion. In an article or essay you use all caps to emphise a point or argument.

But again, never type everything in all Caps its descrating and loses emphsis on the story!!

Also, I found some spelling errors in the story, and your item type is wrong, it should be a short story not an article.

Here are the postives and negatives of this peice.

On the postive side...
+ Good, intersting story
+ The charcters are likeable
+ And you have the basics of Writing down.

On the negative side...
- Everything is in all CAPS!!
- Couple of spelling errors
- This item is not an article

Keep up the good work!! I would suggest you run this peice through a spell checker and revise it.

Keep up the good work!!
Aaron
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