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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/sweetmaggie
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20 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Joshua  
Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! i enjoyed this so much that i read it out loud to my sister, who also enjoyed it. the fluidity of the words was wonderful and the descriptions of both the settings and characters made them come alive for me. that being said, the story itself was very well written and while i may have to read it again to find any, i didn't find any grammar or spelling errors. the whole piece makes me want to read more by this author.
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Review of Dying Wishes  
Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
excellent story. only critique that i really have is in the first section "His fingers tapped one million miles a minute" you might consider changing it to "His fingers tapped a million miles a minute" and it will flow better. Otherwise, great flow and story telling.
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Review of GREYHOUND GRIFTER  
Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
… and spit out half dozen… Need to add a before half

As it was, She had only… she should be lowercase

…a place towards the… too many spaces before towards

…Mikado in highschool… high school should be separated

…status of her lipstick.. should be … instead of ..

… against her window, woke… no comma needed after window

“A real flat-tire, put… no comma needed after tire

… together tight, The stuff… either change the comma to a period or change the capital T to lowercase

Your nothing… Your should be You’re

The story was okay for me. I was a little let down by the ending although i was expecting Pete to rob her. I feel like it could have went somewhere if she slept through a stop and he hopped off with her money and she found out once reaching Hollywood. Your writing is nice though, it took me to a place where Hollywood was something to aspire to get to. That was exceptionally nice. Good luck and Keep writing.

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Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
par 4: gote s/b goatee

par 9: He (s/b Her) southern …

par 13: wretched s/b wrenched

par 14: Evans’ hand

par 20: “For Rome, Sentry.”

Par 35: … was that she had not studies the Roman… studies s/b studied

Par 37: … for their trip in the afterlife. s/b trip into the afterlife; They and all fought… s/b They had all fought

Par 39: you, General

Par 41: course, General; woman s/b women

Par 42: pillageing s/b pillaging

Par 43: Thank you, General

Par 45: God s/b god

Par 46: tales s/b tails

Par 53: … as she fondly named it… named s/b called; burry s/b bury

Par 59: front s/b from; A change s/b a change

Par 63: her right leg, were it as held… s/b her right leg, where it was held

Par 64: on to s/b onto

My main concern with this story line is the believability that an 18 year old girl can become a Roman General in 3 years. Especially since I believe she would have spent the majority of that trying to find Rae so that they could figure a way to get home again. The story was very well written though and very creative in the descriptions, but I think that you have strayed too far off of the track of where you headed in the “Who I Was” series (which is phenomenal). Congrats, and I hope that others appreciate your writing as much as I do. Please let me know when the next installment comes out!
5
5
Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Par 1: chicken needs an ‘s’

Par 3: …state, f she was escalated (s/b if she was …)

Par 4: fourth floor

Par 11: loose s/b lose

Par 17: togethere s/b together

Par 20: black, his, was well as … s/b … black, his, as well as…

Par 28: breifly s/b briefly; she head to keep… s/b She had to keep…; Mcgehee s/b McGehee

Par 29: McGehee; Good needs a , after it

Par 30: 4 should be spelled four

The only other concern I had, is why is Torrance not more concerned about her children, one on the third floor and one on the fourth. Seems to me that she would want to move them to the safest possible place if nothing else, have Mary get them out of the building. I came away feeling that she was more concerned for Chad and her employees and that goes against all of my mothering instincts. I liked the story okay, I didn’t love it. I like the HS story much better (except for the Rome thing, which is a bit of a stretch for me).
6
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Review of Dovolo Securities  
Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dovolo Securities

Par 7: high school needs a space

Par 9: …, they had bough all of the… should be bought; …she had a feeling the Lorr would… the should be that

Par 11: …that she be carried, now. The comma should be a semi-colon “;”

Par 12: shouldn’t the dog assigned to Tyr have already been with him in the vehicle, while Torrance takes Lorr to the SUV?

Par 13: you might want to check the laws in the state where this takes place, but generally children have to be four or have their knees at the edge of a seat before they can be moved to a booster seat. Three is really pushing believability. Also, if Lorr is under one year old, she will need to be in a rear-facing car seat (nationwide), so bear that in mind, also.

Par 15: at least

Par 17: …Chad’s office today ok baby. s/b okay, baby? ; …from Chad in arental roles… s/b parental roles

Par 18: non-existent; Orange County; California; …avoid the freeway. s/b avoid them (so you are repeating the word freeway twice in the sentence); costal road s/b Coastal Road

Par 21: contractors (needs a lower c); Secret Service needs a “;” after it instead of a comma; However, needs a comma

Par 22: quite s/b quiet; baby needs a “;” after it instead of a comma

Par 23: loose s/b lose; check in s/b check-in

Par 25: needs a comma after However

Par 29: tentively s/b tentatively

Par 33: at least needs a space (last sentence)

Par 37: …vocal, however her babbles… s/b …vocal; however, her babbles…

Par 39: Armoni s/b Armani; sence s/b sense

Par 41: god s/b God

Par 43: third sentence s/b capitalized

Par 48: course s/b lower case; 3 should be spelled out

Par 49: heavy-set

Par 51: The benefits were great, so their (s/b there) was always…

Par 56: There as (s/b was) a …

Par 58: Yes (needs a comma)

Par 59: remove along from third sentence

Par 62: I love you’s s/b “I love you” with quotes and no ‘s’

Par 64: soldieresk s/b soldieresque; She could almost here (s/b hear) Chad…

Par 65: …watched the reactions for (s/b of) the men…; comma after however; …we are looking at atleast another 60… s/b we are looking at a minimum of another 60… ; personel s/b personal

Par 67: loose s/b lose; …knew this, however some… s/b …knew this; however, some…; up-and-coming

Par 70: “Peter, Please… please should be lower case
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Review of The Deck's Ace  
Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Let me start by saying that I LOVE where this is going. The few problems i saw are grammatical mainly.

par 1: Home Room should be homeroom

par 13: She was of a little taller... the of should be removed.
... instead toned tight muscles,... needs a comma between toned and tight

par 18: Bad Ass should have quotation marks around it

par 28: Lynsey was stuck with a sudden moment... stuck should be struck

par 51: ...enough gustoto fit... gusto and to need a space between them

par 52: ...but the Mr. Jordan... the needs to be then

par 57: ... but she still needed place for them... after needed add something like "to find a"

par 59: "I am not wearing the damn... the should be this

par 64: The school set on five... the word is should be before set

par 73: com'on should be c'mon

par 75: ...was the Donovan... the should be that

par 76: ... but he was one of the best... need to add also after was

par 82: spell out 2 and 4

par 83: no-holds-barred, add a comma after Sure

par 84: loose should be lose
uot should be out

par 85: ofthe needs a space. Okay, in reading here, i need to point out that the character Sandler keeps flipping between Sandler and Sadler in several places along the way, this is the first.
...watched the blood spray down his face... needs shoot or something after spray

par 95: comma after the first "Baby... and i would remove the sentence "I know that we wanted... " as it is unnecessary and doesn't flow.

par 110: factely should be factly

par 111: Sandler/Sadler

par 113: ...than it will not be use that failed... use should be us

par 121: ...office was quite, almost... quite should be quiet

par 123: thought should be through; golly should be jolly

par 124: "Good morning Mrs. Davinport." needs a comma after morning

par 130: Co-ed

par 134: f***in needs to be f***in'

par 142: equip should be equipped; twenty four should be twenty-four

par 144: amour should be armoire; control should be controlled; ...had small clientele.. needs "a" after had

par 145: amour should be armoire

par 147: ok should be okay

par 148: hansom should be handsome in both instances

par 149: Na should be Nah; and the last line it says she needed to book some plane tickets, but she had stated earlier that she had the plane tickets booked (par 57) and just needed to secure a room and car rental.

if i missed anything else, it is simply because the story was wonderful. i have started reading the next section and i will point out that switching from third person to first person confused me, so you may want to rethink that. Hope this helps.
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Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I knew my boyfriend had volunteered to help and was probably already waiting, but this morning was simply just to (***too***) comforting.

“What(***,***) you don’t believe me? Is that it?”

Something was going on and I needed (***to***)find out (***what it was***).

I, Gracie Manu’ette Regale, may (***remove can not***) can not notice many things, but I do notice tear stains.

“Hello Ms. Regale. I’m here to ask you a few questions.” not sure, but my best friends mother always called me by my first name.

“Well…It’s a possibility isn’t (***it***)?”

“No it isn’t! I was… am (***these should probably be reversed, as in she says she is, then realizes her mistake and corrects since her bf is no longer alive***) her best friend and she didn’t commit suicide!”

“No”, I cut her off (***remove the space between off and the comma***),

I didn’t really care what she said, told, or asked because I know in my soul that Krystal Kane was not (***you might consider changing "was not" into "had not been" because of tense) suicidal, and I was going to prove it.

I liked the story. very true to some cases that I am aware of. Mrs. Maria Cane referred to Grace as Ms. Regale, and that didn't sit well with me either as a parent or as a woman that has been in therapy post-divorce. Therapists tend to try to lull you into a false sense of security. Mrs. Cane comes off as very abrupt and uncaring which conflicts with her wanting to know more about Krystals death. You just might want to reconsider that aspect. I look forward to reading the next installment.

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Review of Not To Fly  
Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Voices all around here were screaming
"here" should be "her"

Other than that, i really can't help as poetry is not my strong suit.

Good job from my perspective.
10
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Review of Harry Potter  
Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Scabbers was actually misspelled in the search. it reads sccabers. you might want to remove the word or correct. i enjoyed the puzzle though.
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Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked the puzzle. It was really hard. My only problem was #13 Across. In everything that i looked up, (cause i had to check my answer) the author is shown as William Goldman. So, I don't know what answer you have. otherwise, you stumped me on two answers. Congrats, as I am a huge fan. i did refrain from watching the movie to get the answers :)
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Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I understand your frustration and I am a single working mother, so i definitely understand about budgeting. On a writing aspect, the article needs some tweaking. you misspelled lazey (sp: lazy). in the very next sentence: We work they spend, you need a comma between the two points. My recommendation is to write your points in Microsoft Word. Word will automatically spellcheck your work and do simple grammatical revisions.
Anyway, writing is all about saying what you need to say, and I hope that your piece helped you. If you are interested in family and parental articles, check out my portfolio as that is my expertise. Thanks!
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Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Since you wanted a review, here is the best that i can offer, bearing in mind that I am not a fiction writer.

on this line: "He, she is still out there. Don't ask me how I know, I just feel it in my gut."

Maybe writing "They are still out there..." would have been more appropriate, since it was already determined that there was more than one person. Plus, it sounds more like something one would say.

The other thing that REALLY bothered me was this:
"Be thankful they're both there for you," Grabowski said, without thinking. Mulroy glanced up at him questioningly, and he had to turn back to looking at the files or risk his friend seeing the embarrassment there. He hadn't meant to say it aloud, but he had anyway. At least the detective had a family to return to, somebody who would notice if he was missing.

The reason being that this led me to believe the the main character was alone in life, alot like the victim. So, when the wife entered the scene, it stopped flowing for me.

One last thing, and I will stop. This sentence didn't really flow for me: The detective had offered to get him dried off somewhere but he'd refused.

Something along the lines of: The detective had offered a place for Grabowski to dry off, but he'd refused.

Anyway, i enjoyed the story. It had a good basis and needs some work, but it is a smart and swift read.

Thanks, Melissa
14
14
Review by sweetmaggie
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I felt such sadness and grief when i read this. you pain was almost palpable. I hope that you find peace and retribution in your writing.
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