Poetic Form/Type
Nicely written with the abab verse. You kept the rhythm of the poem throughout the entire poem. Well done!
Poetic Content
I really like the way you describe this magical event in the reflections of the water. It makes me want to be there, to see it for myself.
Suggestions/Corrections
I was kind of thrown off course with the word "firth". I don't know if it is a typo or even if it is a word. You might want to expand on it or correct it, whichever the case may be.
Overall
Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem. Thank you for sharing!
Keep Writing!
Poetic Form/Type
This reads very well, with little interruption in flow. The rhyme cadence is very good and does not take away from the meaning.
Poetic Content
I love your use of description. It allows me to picture this teeny, tiny bird. I love the line "No dance cavorted".
Suggestions/Corrections
I only have a couple of suggestions for you. Mind you now, I am not a poetry expert, but as a poet as well, I do notice somethings. So please bear with me. You missed a comma at "however" and I am a bit hazy on the "office". Not really sure what you meant here.
Overall
I think this poem is very light and pretty. No gloom or doom in this poem. As a bird lover, I know very well how it is to lose yourself in bird watching.
Content
Very original and well-thought out,P. You write very well for a new writer. Your use of description is excellent. Readers will be able to easily picture the setting in their minds. The storyline reads rather smoothly, although you did lose me in one paragraph but I will cover that later. I find your characters funny and reminiscent of the boys back in my school.
Suggestions
The only possible typo I found is in this sentence, "“I am!” Sharp laughed as she left. I assume you are speaking from 4 boys.
Grammatical/Technical suggestions.
In your first paragraph, third sentence, you are missing a comma after heavily. " Tch so you think Bob…" should have a comma after Tch. I didn't really see any glaring errors. Just simple stuff.
Overall opinion
I really enjoyed this story. I love the analogies and the use of description. Awesome, awesome job! If you need some more assistance, please don't hesitate to email me at any time.
Poetic Form/Type
You did very well with the abab form except in the next-to-the-last stanza. Or it could be, my mind is on a rhyming strike.
Poetic Content
I like the way you used emotion in your poem. It helps the reader to feel what is going on. Always use the six senses and you can't go wrong.
Suggestions/Corrections
I did notice some grammatical mistakes. For example, the first line: bring should be bringing, the second line: divide should be divides and so forth. If you are like me, my mind runs much faster than my fingers. Simple and easy mistakes to correct but makes the reading a lot smoother.
Overall
Overall, I liked your poem. Granted, it has some errors but it also packs an emotional jab in the ribs. Keep working on it and you'll make it a !
I really like the way this is written. The reader is taken from the very start on a journey to the "white light at the end of the tunnel". I found the character to be credible in his thoughts and actions. The ending was surprising and climatic.
Suggestions
I cannot find any real problems with this piece. It reads smoothly and keeps the reader's attention. I did notice some grammatical/technical errors, but only a few. They can be easily found by reading it once again, allowing for pauses.
Overall opinion
I really enjoyed this piece and would recommend others to do the same. You did very well. Keep up the great work!
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Content
Your opening paragraph would be better if you started with a sentence to grab and entice your reader. Maybe something along the lines of saying that although animals roam the countryside, you had never seen a fox until a trip to the city. What might work better is if you move your last line and make it your first. Then the reader would expect to read more about this meeting. I love the descriptions you give of your surroundings. I can make a visual picture in my mind of the area. Good job.
Suggestions
This piece I believes just needs some reworking. Expand more on your encounter with the fox, describe its coat, was it red or gray, etc. I think this will help quite a bit.
Overall opinion
Even with a low rating, I believe you can turn this piece around to receive a higher rating. You should focus more on the encounter with the fox. Please let me know if I can be of any further assistance to you.
Opening Paragraph
The opening paragraph is all right, but I didn't find it grabbing my attention. You might want to re-do the opening paragraph and then add the other paragraphs after it. Your opening paragraph should not only grab the reader's attention but also give a hint at what is to follow. Reading the paragraph as is, I would expect the following paragraphs to be more about your story, "A Christmas Best".
Content
Unlike the opening paragraph, I found the content grabbing ahold of me and not letting go till the end. I really enjoyed reading about how you used your time in solitary and the passage of time.
Suggestions/Corrections
The only suggestion I have is the one already made concerning the opening paragraph.
Summary
Overall, I really enjoyed this item. I'm glad you found your pink thumbdrive in the end.
Content
A beautifully written piece. It held me hostage all the way through to the end. The characters were believable and the plot credible. The ending brought everything to a climax.
Suggestions
I cannot really find any errors in this piece. You have a firm grasp of the use of commas. The dialogues were well written. Told in the third person point-of-view, you kept your tenses in the past tense.
Overall opinion
Overall, I loved reading this piece. I even read it twice. I don't give out 5's too often, but I feel this piece is deserving of it. Great Job!
Type of Essay
Good example of a descriptive essay, congratulations on its publication.
Opening Paragraph
The opening paragraph grabs the reader instantly with the unusual name of your husband. I would have thought the same thing. It automatically makes me think a type of porch.
Content
Your essay is short and yet speaks volumes. The paragraphs lead the reader deeper into the story of your first meeting and your coming together. I agree with your husband on the definition of a "true southern gentleman". Being southern born and southern raised, I can fully understand.
Suggestions/Corrections
I really couldn't find anything to correct or suggest. Great Job!
Summary
I think this is a great testimony to your husband. You focus completely on what he stands for and what he believes. Most would focus on the physical. This is a good difference.
Introductory Material
I love your opening paragraph, very bittersweet. It lets the reader know what is to come and draws them into the article. Wonderful overview about the death of a loved one and how to help each other through the grieving process.
Paragraphs
The paragraphs are well-written, concise, giving the reader something to relate to such as the death of a loved one, and still be informative.
Headings
Your opening sentences for each paragraph are excellent, letting the reader see what each paragraph will cover. Brief, concise sentences that open each paragraph. Well done! Standard appendices
I didn't see any appendices.
Size
You kept the article short and full of information about the support of the grieving. Excellently done!
Suggestions/Corrections
I would suggest that a reference is added about where you got your information so that the reader can read further on the subject. It also adds credibility to your article to have a footnote showing where you got your information.
Overall Summary
This article about grieving support is wonderful and bittersweet. No one wants to think about losing a loved one and as you pointed out, it is a fact of life that we have to deal with. I love the concept of grieving support. I, myself, would actually like to read more about this subject. Great work!
Introductory Material
I found your opening paragraph to contain the necessary information for the reader to know what your article is about and what it covers. The Overview was well written, concise, and understandable.
Paragraphs
The following paragraphs are short and to the point. You explain words used by lawyers clearly so the reader understands what you are saying and can follow along.
Headings
Instead of actual headings, you use the first sentence in each paragraph to let the reader know what will follow. I found this to be well done and efficient. You keep each paragraph in line with the first sentence.
Standard appendices
I found the link to a reference source very helpful, but would also have liked to see other reference materials, such as footnotes for the information you used to write the article. This would also help the reader to use the footnotes for credibility.
Size
The entire article is kept short and to the point. You point out how the common person can do this and what the "lawyer speak" means in everyday speech.
Suggestions/Corrections
The only suggestion I can make is to expand on your appendices. From the technical steps, there should be more material to refer to in order to make it easier for the reader who is interested in doing such a thing.
Overall Summary
Overall, I found this to be a well-written article. Concise and to the point, with nothing but the bare facts. You explain the process very well, keeping the reader in mind. I look forward to reading more articles by you.
Content
Very good story. You had me all the way. I love the twist at the end. Inventive. You had me somewhat lost for a couple of paragraphs. I think it was because of the popping in and out of what was real life and what was the spirit world. Other than that, it was beautifully written.
Suggestions
The only suggestion I might make is to make it a bit more clear with the transitions. It will be easier to read and understand.
Overall opinion
Overall, I loved reading this. I generally don't read many short stories but this one caught my attention right away. I hope you do well in the contest.
I love this item and the ingenuity you had to write it. Very funny, thanks for the laugh. The opening got my attention right away and kept it till the very end. It shows you have a very good imagination and obviously, you knew your two moms very well.
Keeping that in mind, you led to reader to wonder with you how the two were getting along. It adds credibility because we all know that most moms and step moms don't really see eye to eye that often.
I found only a couple of grammatical mistakes. In the second paragraph, first sentence, a comma should be placed before and after the word though.
Third paragraph, second sentence, a comma should be placed after me.
These should be put in for pauses and to help it read smoother. You can check the rest of it for the same thing.
Overall, great piece! This has everything it needs almost to be a five star.
This short story is touching. I did find it a bit confusing, though. I always expect a story to follow the description. I can understand that David is going through a hard time with a loss. But I am uncertain what connection the two have together. How did this loss tear his world apart? Was this girl a friend? A relative? Was she taken away suddenly? Tragically?
The first-person point-of-view helps the story along, but the plot is a bit weak. I think working on the two characters and showing the connection between the two will help the story out.
The setting was well thought out and credible in the story. It was a perfect background for this type of short story. Very poignant. I like the description of the gravesite and its surroundings.
You did a fantastic job concerning grammar and punctuation. I can tell you have a firm grip on the basics. I could find no grammatical errors.
Overall, I think, with some work on the characters and the plot, your rating could go up a lot more. You have the basics you need to start out. All you need now is to tighten up some parts.
Beautifully written short story. The opening got my attention right away and made me want to read more. The third-person point-of-view was well done. I like the way you showed two different views. This led the reader to want to read more of the story.
The setting was credible, lending an authenticity to what had led up to the old lady coming to the hospital. The character of the old lady was clear and understandable, and made it easy for the reader to relate to. The plot was well thought out and well written. The way you tied in the present and the past was very well done, always keeping the reader along for the ride.
Corrections
Only one grammatical mistake did I find. As she saw the arrow leave the bow she let out a yell that echoed to the trees beyond the field of wildflowers. There should be a comma after bow.
Again, beautiful story, Mrs. Daisy. I enjoyed reading it and look forward to reading more of your work.
Good piece. The opening got my attention right away and drew me into the story. The plot was convincing and realistic. I like the way you begin with Bobby's view of his death and how different it was from the truth. You have all the elements of a good short story and that is commendable.
Corrections
I think the story would read better if you either indented your paragraphs or double-spaced between them. It would help it to read smoother and let the reader know you are moving on to something else.
The line in the beginning that reads: My deathbed has been waiting for me since the day I was born. Out there fixed in time and space. would read better if you combined the two sentences by adding a comma after born.
The sentence after that: Every step, and misstep, that I have taken faithfully brought me closer to that inevitable end., the comma after step should be removed.
Looking directly overhead I could see the bug equivalent of me. should have a comma after overhead.
There are a few more but it is up to interpretation.
Overall, I loved the story and the few areas you added for comic relief, especially about the woman crying hysterically and why. A very good read.
I really enjoyed this poem. You got my attention right away and kept it throughout the poem. You have skillfully created a story in the poem. Starting with the opening, and guiding the reader through the rest of the poem you smoothly move from the beginning to the conflict. The conflict was clear and understandable. I like seeing the murderer's viewpoint all the way through to the end where he is finally caught. I could easily picture the scenes in my head as he went from family member to family member.
Improvements
One of the vital parts of the poem is missing. That is punctuation. Punctuation adds pauses where necessary and makes it an easier read.
Fourth verse, last line: All she did was squirm there and shriek, this reads a little awkwardly.
Fifth verse, last line: As I took him by the feet, and threw him in a sac
Sac should be spelled sack.
Seventh verse, second line: Once it was finished i would finally be at ease This line would read better by putting a comma after finished and capitalizing i.
Overall great poem! It has all the components of a great short story. I would like to read more of this in your future items.
Sweet story. I applaud you for keeping with your description of the story. It helps the reader to already have an idea of about what is going to be read. The opening paragraph drew me right in. I also love the ocean. The first two paragraphs set the stage for what is going to happen. It blends smoothly into the rest of the story. It threw me a little bit when you named yourself later in the story, but not enough to change the story. Maybe you can introduce yourself somewhere in the earlier paragraphs to make it smoother.
From your description, you can immediately tell what the story is going to be about and how. You relayed this very well to the reader. As I was reading this, I could see where the story was going. I could feel what the your character was feeling, especially the confusion between your feelings for Peter and Paul. I felt sad at Peter's leaving. It was as if your character, Elly, and Peter were just getting to know each other, and he left quickly with his parents.
Overall, I find this short story a very good piece. With your descriptions of the ocean and the other characters, you easily bring the reader into it. I would like to see this piece expanded more. Tell what happens the next time they meet, etc. I would love to read more about Elly and Peter.
Very touching short story. You bring the reader right into the story with the emotional trials of Pat. You can feel his emotions as he struggles along with his family. Pat's daily activities and his feelings at the time help the reader to make a mental picture of what is going on. The character of Pat is very detailed and to the point.
You can clearly see what you, as the author, are trying to relate in the story. How no matter what you come across, you can become stronger through the difficulties life throws at you. As the reader of your short story, I could feel the sadness and the determination of Pat. It was deeply touching when Pat read the letter left by his father.
I find this story to be well written and filled with the emotions and turmoils that Pat endures. The ending was like the moral of the story. I liked that very much.
I absolutely love fantasy stories and you have done a great job starting out. I have only found a couple of mistakes, but they are not major ones.
Paragraph 4: His plain tan robe clung to his legs, making his gait uneven and wobbly; tree roots added to his inability toeasily run. I believe this sentence would sound better if it was changed to run easily
Paragraph 4: All around him tree limbs seemed to morph into spindly arms and gnarled hands trying to grab his treasure. To make this read smoother, a comma should be placed after the word him.
Paragraph 6: No rumbling, no howling, just his own heartbeat and his own breath. This sentence would read better if you removed the words his own.
Other than that, I really enjoyed the piece. I like the transition from Darus to the demon. Excellent work. I would definitely like to read more.
Very funny. I have a cockatiel and understand where you are coming from. You are right about the bird making you less eager to move again. I love cockatoos. I know they can be loud and very vocal.
Good piece. I did get a bit lost around the 10th paragraph. It jumps from closing the van door and then to the Police Rescue. Maybe if the reason why they were called would make it smoother.
Very thought-provoking questions. Things that make us go "Hmmmmmmmmm".
The piece would probably read smoother, if punctuation(question marks) were added and if the rhythm was a bit better.
In the line, "Why do we work forever, but are unable to take our possession's into the forever", the word possession's should read possessions{/c:red}.
All in all, good questions. Most people take things in stride and never consider the questions you brought up.
Very emotional, you can feel what the author is going through. It's very straight forward and honest.
I did have a bit of a struggle reading it. You go from free verse to rhyming. The rhythm seems a bit off in some of the verses, like the third verse. The third line is a bit long. You might want to consider shortening it a bit.
The swear word threw me off. You need to re-evaluate your rating of the piece, maybe to 18+.
If you edit this piece, I would like to reread and rate it again for you.
Very beautiful, I think it would read better with punctuation. No spelling mistakes that I can see. I did stumble on the verse, "Knowing you still live on
And that someday again". I think the rhythm is off a bit there. You might want to try it by taking out the And and putting in a comma.
Subject matter
It kept me rereading to try to keep the subject at hand. The last verse If you just stop cutting the pain will be gone no longer or agony will last for that long completely lost me.
Punctuation
You have absolutely no punctuation with exception to the last line. Punctuation is necessary to put in pauses and to separate thoughts. This piece may read alot smoother if you added punctuation.
Other than that, I found the subject matter very good. I myself use to be a cutter and luckily for me, I had intervention. Most aren't that lucky.
I think with some editing, you can really turn this around to be a really good piece. Please let me know if you do edit it. I will be glad to come back, and review and rate it again.
Keep Writing!
Sariah
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As a bird lover, I know very well how it is to lose yourself in bird watching.
You write very well for a new writer. Your use of description is excellent. Readers will be able to easily picture the setting in their minds. The storyline reads rather smoothly, although you did lose me in one paragraph but I will cover that later. I find your characters funny and reminiscent of the boys back in my school.