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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/thetrivialist
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34 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (3.0)
Not as happy,
sunshine,
super-bestfriends fun
as I have come to expect
a poem from you to read.

Kind of a bummer that way.

Being bummed by this
massive bug hysteria, anyway,
I haven't got that much to say.

Stay safe and pray


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
2
2
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I read both the prologue and this chapter, and I was not yet bored to death or anything. I was actually quite on board with this generic fantasy romp, with a generic romp for the protagonist, and would have liked to keep on reading. I kind of wanted to see what becomes of this Ashryn. That's pretty well done, I applaud you.

The writing was overall good enough, except that the whole chapter begins with a typo...

If it's not too much trouble, I'd like you to message me when you release the next chapter, because I can't really be bothered to follow something like that myself.

You have been morosely trivialized, have a nice day.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
3
Review of The Why's  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (4.0)
Why lie when you can lay down rhymes like these?

This was a very good poem. Simple and efficient, it had a nice, soft melody to it, and the story it told was quite riveting for what it was. Quite an excellent piece, no shame in showing off your stuff.

I was a bit bothered by that one missing question mark, though.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
4
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (5.0)
Having read a couple of your positive attitude poems before, I had expectations getting into this, yet you managed to surprise me some with the depth and quality you had on offer this time.

The rhyming was effective and fun. You managed to capture the randy dandy energy you were after and paint such cuddly-lovable images of cats with it. That tomcat with the ladies... Meow...

Also, the best part for me, was that beneath the innocence here, there was a level to this poem making it read like a complete saucy innuendo.

All in all this piece was very praise-worthy.

I loved every moment of it.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review of I Got A Cat  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Very poignant, very true and honest. Felt what you sniffed. We all know him so well, this disgusting fellow, yet, we can't help but love the little guy, he's so one of a kind.

I loved it.
6
6
Review of The River  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (4.5)

It was a nice, atmospheric scene. Very well written, the poetic descriptions were pleasurable to read through. You really got me to like these two characters in a very short time.

The twist in the end was fun and unexpected, and even made a real story for the scene.

The couple and their quest is so interesting, that I think this would work very well as the beginning of a longer story.

Pretty great.
7
7
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is pretty good. A little cliched, but then, what isn't? It's lyrical enough to sound pretty and has an almost war-drum like rhythm.

A message for peace and love is always commendable, though nothing was new or really thought provoking.

But where does the problem really lie? If they have no scruples and they won't stop sending us to war, why do we keep going? And who's them and we anyways? Isn't it just us?

8
8
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (4.5)
Enviable tresses indeed! You paint a wonderful picture of that beautiful hair with this poem. The whimsical mood and slick flow work very well to make an all-around very fun poem to read.

I have nothing to complain about.

Cheers!
9
9
Review of Change  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (2.5)
This was not terrible for a three minute read. The plot was okay, and Bo was a likeable canine. You managed to invoke some pretty interesting imagery with quite minimalistic descriptions.

There was just a bit of a lie in the beginning of the story, wasn't there? Bo wasn't really thinking about a single day when he changed everything, there was quite a bit more to it. A slow influx of human beings, the mating and whole pregnancy with "Cara"... Weird names the wolves had, by the way.

This would have worked in a longer format, too.

Yeah... Whatever...


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
10
10
Review of shattered worlds  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
I was intrigued enough by your poem and by the title and description of this piece to check it out...

I didn't like it.

I'm sorry, but the writing and punctuation are really terrible and chock full of errors. There is no consistency to the plot, things are just all over the place.

There were no details to anything. The protagonist escapes, but how he does it is very unclear.

The whole story is nothing but a series of statements.
It's like -

The protagonist escapes. Why are you pretending to show us this escape scene but not tell us anything about it other than that he has a key, from which he has asked some questions (Check the meaning of your words and pick the one you were really after...).

Then it's already over and states he was chased. Why were we not shown this harrowing chase? Why is the chase over? What, the guards in this super secret facility just threw their shoulders and decided that they're not getting paid enough to do this? This doesn't make sense, you didn't think any of this through.

Then, for no good reason, there's a pretty random info dump about the ward, which doesn't actually really even contain any information. This chapter should really just be about the escape, and about the characters. Tell the reader about what is going on right now, and tell about what these characters are doing and how they are reacting to all this that is happening to them. Save backstory for later chapters, when the reader already relates to these characters and can see through their eyes what life in the ward was like.

Besides, this info dump about the ward being fairly new and the parents being duped, doesn't even sound like anything the protagonist would even know about. His info dump should be based on his own limited knowledge and experience. You can find other ways to later describe these kinds of details.

Then he stands around with his buddies. Where? In the woods? What does this mean, exactly? It's the woods in night time, they are on a pulse pounding run from pretty much the only terrible world they have ever known, they have just been chased, maybe running for their lives... What do they already know about these woods? What's their previous relationship with the area? Are they allowed to make walks here during the day? Or is this all new? What do these creepy woods at night look like to these airheads?

Then, collectively knowing pretty much F-all about the world, they way too quickly and easily decide on names. And why not give them characters along with those names? You know, why does that one guy look like Charlie, what does it mean to Brian to look like a Charlie? Right now these guys are as empty as the numbers which suit them better.

The protagonist had previously never seen the girl wearing a dress, so why was she wearing it now? Where did it come from? Was she already wearing it when he opened her cell door? Was it even a cell? How much freedom did these guys have in their life? Did the girl wear the dress often, and Charlie was just never allowed to see her in it? Or did she just somehow acquire it during the escape? Where? How? What did she think about it? Had she seen dresses in movies and had always wanted to wear one herself and was now all giddy about it?

Then they hike across a bit of woods and board a train. Where is the train? I'm assuming it's some super-secret, private "ward" platform. What does such a place look like? A foreboding slab of concrete hugged by the gnarly woods? Or a boring old train station which looks like nothing to us, but is something these doofuses have never seen before. In any case, it can hardly be that they feel nothing about it.

What's the train like? A modern passenger train with cushioned seats and all the luxuries? These guys slump down on those and giggle all relaxed, because they don't even fathom what danger they are in? Is it a freight train with cattle-cars and they feel like they're entering just another cage?

This was really bad, but not beyond fixing. You just need to think a bit more deeply about it before it can work. But it can. It has potential. I encourage you to tear this to shreds and fill it with much needed meat. Ask yourself WHY things are what they are, and if they make sense. And do not tell the story from your perspective, but from the perspective of your living, breathing characters with their own limited views. That's how you fix the story.

Learning to write actual working sentences would be great, too, but I have no idea how, or where, anyone learns about that...

Good luck, with whatever.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
11
11
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (3.5)
The sacrifices you are forced to make...

This was okay. Pretty interesting, though not stellar. The poem had an oppressive atmosphere from the get-go, a straightforward plot with a cascading buildup, and okay enough rhythm to not make it dull. It was a whole that worked.

The end is the weakest, though. It's a little too anticlimactic, because it really isn't the end of the story, is it? Just losing faith does not take away this very Bible Beltish environment that the protagonist has been shoved into. They still have to pretend to be one of the pod people, or suffer the consequences. This is actually a pretty interesting point in the story. In my opinion you should take it and run forward with it...

Good luck with whatever you'll do.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
12
12
Review of Silver  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (4.0)
Maybe not so elegant the melody, the flow a little rough. Usually it's that sound that, for me, is the most important component of a poem, but here you work beautifully around its shortcomings. The images invoked with these words were so beautiful, that I didn't really mind. You got me to like something I usually wouldn't have. Very nice work.

I thought the part about sun's appearing was a little unnecessary and broke the harmony of the otherwise immaculate imagery.
13
13
Review of Must I?  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Yes, it has to sound good, that's what it is all about, and, yes, it is the Truman Show. Rhyming helps, too. This was good enough, you get a pass. The poem had pomp, it had rhythm and feel, and it had a style and an edge. I got quite the hip-hop vibes.

With crazy-sight I can see a dark room, a stage with a microphone stand, and cold sweat.

All in all, a quite charming piece.

Watch out for typos.
Fix "don't" in the first line
and "I" in the eleventh line.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
14
14
Review of The Bus Mystery  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: ASR | (1.0)
I really, honestly apologize for reviewing this. I really shouldn't do it, but I'm currently kind of challenging myself to making honest reviews of everything I read, and unfortunately I was intrigued by the title and description of this. Turns out this was much too juvenile for me. So sorry.

Now, then, this was just plain awfully written. Repetitive and chock full of errors (I'm taking Englisch isn't really your language, and you're very young, ja? You'll learn with time, I bet.)

I'm not even gonna touch the plot. I already said it was too juvenile for me.

Don't fret, though, I'm a bad writer, too, and this is all just, like, only my worthless opinion. And I'm even crazy and everybody points at me and laughs, so, like, you win in life. Go Sinbad!

Once more, sorry.
15
15
Review of Feelings  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: ASR | (1.0)
Mmph, I'm sorry to say I was bored. Too clinical for my tastes. I didn't really feel anything in a poem about feelings. Not good. I didn't even like the punctuation in this, it bothered me, even though I'm no Nazi and I shouldn't care.

But I really wanted commas in

...Sunday, I think, and I didn’t want Monday...

It would have made that part flow so much more sultrily (rawr), and I'm insane enough to care about that.

Other than that, the writing wasn't really bad at all.

Ta ta.

I apologize for reviewing.
16
16
Review of The Blog  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (2.5)
Over a decade later, and the BLOG still just sits there.

But, isn't it more like the BLOG will bore us to death?

The poem was not very funny, but not really that bad, either. I felt a corny 50's sci-fi B-movie vibe emanating from it, which was a bit charming.

You're not getting anything near a one star rating.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
17
17
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (4.0)
Man, I was thinking, that, I am like the one you write about. Kind of... I'm not a control freak, like they, but I'm just as bad. *Bat1* Better stay far away from me.

And then, it hit me, my hare brain had already forgotten that this was about love. And now, I'm like, hell-yeah! I'm love!

I liked it.

With all my dangerous love,

Happy Valentine's Day.

18
18
Review of On Three Cupids  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (4.5)
I liked what you did here. The whole piece had a nice pomp to it. The rhyming was fun. I got a very folky vibe out of it, though the content was very current. I liked it a lot.
The end, I felt, came a bit abruptly. This could have been longer. But it was short and sweet, I guess.
Happy Valentine's Day!
19
19
Review of carving  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Hello, and sorry, but I didn't find much to like here. The poetic tone was flat. The flow was rugged, and not in a good way. And, uh, not using capital letters, or spell checking, is not really my cup of tea...
It was not a total zero, though.
The idea wasn't bad, the carving theme was okay, something could have been made out of that.

But, hey, this is, like, just my opinion, man. Don't sweat it.

Keep writing.

I just noticed that this is old, I just clicked the random review button so I know nothing, maybe you've improved already. So, uh, whatever.
20
20
Review of Anger  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (4.5)
A very pretty poem. The flow was great. The sound waves it created were ecstatic in their vibrations.
How pointless all our strife, how easy it would be to stop all this insanity. All we'd need to do is start trusting each other, just trust that we can all be who we are and that other's won't judge us, and no one really does, except out of fear, out of distrust. Man, I'm going off the rails here, don't mind the crazy.

Live, love, be, believe, whatever.

Excellent poem. Thank you very much.
21
21
Review of nik  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Nice, riveting drama. Very ranty, too. Some sentence sequences were beautiful, like ...risk life for you, cry, stick by... I like the conjunction they make (a saucy pun, if you can dig it.).
I was very well entertained, and feeling a kinship with you at every turn, sister. Thanks a lot.
22
22
Review of All the Time  
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (3.0)
Allah is wonderful!
I like the shape and form of this poem.
Keep doing whatever it is you're doing.
23
23
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: E | (4.5)


Coca-Cola, Mickey Mouse… We’re all living in America, yeah? And yet, our borders are closed tighter than a Gordian (now Turkish) knot.
I found the first three lines in the poem a little wobbly a foundation to build upon. Especially the line about Roman numerals. The line didn’t do much for me and it felt repetitive for no impact. A bit of a creaky floor to step on, a rough start, I felt, but then the poem took off and attained a smooth flow and the lines to follow were colorful, the whole thing shaped much like a Babylonian merry-go-round.
I applaud the sentiment about how much we have shared throughout all our history, it is very beautiful and spot on. The message, that we really should wake up and welcome all our brothers and sisters with open arms, is also good and commendable in itself, though, unfortunately, I feel it has a bit of a judgmental side to it, in supposing that people are the problem. Never judge people. It’s not our place to judge. In truth, people are nothing but lovely. People are never the problem. Racism, bigotry, does not exist in the hearts of men. It’s just politics that makes all of us insane. Politics that prevent us from moving to the natural rhythms of our kind. Freedom of movement, of wandering and choosing one’s own tribe, of being able to enjoy all the fruits this earth has to offer, I believe, is absolutely essential to the collective sanity of the human race. And still the borders are kept closed… Divided we fall indeed.
Bah. Don’t mind me. I’m just an idiot. Doom and gloom reigns eternal. The poem is lovely, and actually pretty witty. Now, how about a round of Russian roulette while the Mexican standoff the world likes to play keeps on keeping on?





*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
24
24
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)


After two reviews in this story already, I truly don’t have much more left to say here. I still stand by everything I’ve already stated.

I liked that this part was slower again. Giving Joan time to do some introspection was a good decision. The plot moves and develops on at a steady pace through the whole thing.

I find I most keep enjoying Laura’s machinations in this overall story. Here manifested mainly in her mentioned inability to inform Marc about what had transpired in the club due to “panic”. Also the Facebook comment or whatever about Joan being a home wrecker smelled of her touch, in an indirect manner of course.

I was a little disappointed to learn that there were only two Michaels and that it was rather coincidental. The more would have been the merrier.

I felt it was unclear why Pegasus should be so obsessed about the rumor he had stated, that Joan even feared he would send out goons to try to prove it. I never got the impression that he had his own dog in the fight anywhere, but was just amused by what he’d heard. This should be clarified, I think.

Here’s a typo for you since I don’t have much else: Mokuba sat bold upright in some scene instead of sitting bolt upright.

Also, I don’t think Mokuba could be jilted by the shop attendants in any case, as he mused they hadn’t done that to him. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that something you can only do to a lover?



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
25
25
Review by TrivialMorose
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)


After reviewing the first part, I haven’t got very much left to say here.

Both the characters and the plot trudges on quite as one would expect from part one.

Any new characters met here didn’t have very large roles and felt like they were cameos designed to elicit an emotional response from the audience that knows them, though certainly they didn’t demand previous knowledge.

The cartoonishness of the setting was a little bit more apparent here than in the last part, as the addition of action and sex made this stand out more than just the mannerisms of the characters alone. I imagine all that to be in line with the source material.

The writing stays on the same level.

Conversations continue to feel choppy, like there’s something missing about them. I think you should embellish them a little more in the future. Good characters, in my opinion, should speak more powerfully, more clearer, more coherently than real people do. These characters sometimes sound very flippant, and also somewhat missing in the ways of subtlety. We’ve seen that these characters do have depth in them, you should bring that more to the surface. I’m not really sure how I could explain what I mean. I would have you, in a way, exaggerate more the way they speak, exaggerate their reactions. Their intentions should weigh more in their words, even if they don’t state them. That should make for better dialog. You already use an exaggeration technique to make the characters appear cartoonish, so maybe you can get the hang of the rest of what I’m trying to say here.

An example that popped into my mind is how the characters, mainly Joan, I think, talk about polyamory and other related topics. They do it in too expositional a manner. The characters should spend less time explaining their beliefs, and should have it weigh more in everything else that they say, if you can catch my drift. The conversation with Pegasus, I felt, already had more of this pomp that I’m missing than the rest of the dialog.

Of course, this is all just my opinion, and my opinions don’t actually sell copies, so take of them what you will.

My favorite moments were the short appearance by Laura and the revelation by Pegasus that Seto might be desirous of anything that Marc has touched. Whether it be completely true or not, it was an interesting observation about the character.

Certainly, anyone who thoroughly enjoyed part one should still find more to like here.




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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