|I would have given this piece another .5 if only you had have padded out the dialogue.
It was a great little story, a nice little one about Santa and a grown man. I liked how Pappy was an older gent but not bitter and never doubted the existance of the man in red.
All this story really needs (besides a comb over on some of the basic spelling and grammar mistakes) is some of the paragraphs like this one to be fleshed out with actual dialogue. This would give it the immediacy it is lacking:
"Pappy picked up the mike and said Santa Claus this is the USS Kitty Hawk can you hear me. At first he heard no one came back and then again he heard “Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, this is Santa Claus." Once again Pappy tuned the transceiver a little better and said Santa Claus this is the USS Kitty Hawk. This time he heard Kitty Hawk this is Santa Claus can you hear me. Finally Pappy thought he can hear me. Pappy went back, Santa Claus this is the USS Kitty Hawk I can hear you loud and clear. Santa came back and said this wind through us off course and I don’t have any idea where we are and my navigation system is not working well. Pappy went back and said Santa this is the USS Kitty Hawk, Master Chief Petty Officer Jesse (Pappy) Egan here, we will light up the sky’s and see if we can’t get you on our navigation. Santa just responded please hurry."
Nice work mate.
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .
Also, I am running a writing competition with big prizes. I've given away 30000 gift points so far and given 2 writers just like you a publishing opportunity. In a years time, one of those writers may win an upgraded membership. Hey, that could be you. I think your interests and writing style would fit perfectly with this months crime noir theme.
Decembers detailed writing prompt comp has a crime noir theme. It's set in a Chinese restaurant and features a fortune cookie that sparks off a chain of events. Events decided by YOU! This month's minimum word count is only 300 words and there is still DAYS to compete!