I would have given this piece another .5 if only you had have padded out the dialogue.
It was a great little story, a nice little one about Santa and a grown man. I liked how Pappy was an older gent but not bitter and never doubted the existance of the man in red.
All this story really needs (besides a comb over on some of the basic spelling and grammar mistakes) is some of the paragraphs like this one to be fleshed out with actual dialogue. This would give it the immediacy it is lacking:
"Pappy picked up the mike and said Santa Claus this is the USS Kitty Hawk can you hear me. At first he heard no one came back and then again he heard “Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, this is Santa Claus." Once again Pappy tuned the transceiver a little better and said Santa Claus this is the USS Kitty Hawk. This time he heard Kitty Hawk this is Santa Claus can you hear me. Finally Pappy thought he can hear me. Pappy went back, Santa Claus this is the USS Kitty Hawk I can hear you loud and clear. Santa came back and said this wind through us off course and I don’t have any idea where we are and my navigation system is not working well. Pappy went back and said Santa this is the USS Kitty Hawk, Master Chief Petty Officer Jesse (Pappy) Egan here, we will light up the sky’s and see if we can’t get you on our navigation. Santa just responded please hurry."
Nice work mate.
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Also, I am running a writing competition with big prizes. I've given away 30000 gift points so far and given 2 writers just like you a publishing opportunity. In a years time, one of those writers may win an upgraded membership. Hey, that could be you. I think your interests and writing style would fit perfectly with this months crime noir theme.
Decembers detailed writing prompt comp has a crime noir theme. It's set in a Chinese restaurant and features a fortune cookie that sparks off a chain of events. Events decided by YOU! This month's minimum word count is only 300 words and there is still DAYS to compete!
"Due to the nature of its business, the Shop couldn't afford to own an A.I.--which could be hacked by government spies--so it had a live bartender serving drinks behind a barrier of dirty, energy-resistant glass. "
This is a great idea. I'm not sure about the word choice in relation to "afford" though. Coupled with "own" - it gives the impression that the Shop is not doing too well financially. When in fact, you mean that by the clandestine nature of the shop's other business it would be too risky to use an A.I that could be hacked. A quick fix might even just be "ill-afford". It takes the financial connotations out of the picture. Less jarring for the reader and all.
" Several psychologists could probably tell her exactly what was wrong with her, but Athenais had always put a gun between their eyes before they could finish.
She didn't want them to ruin the surprise. "
Another great line/paragraph.
I really enjoyed this story. You have a nice turn of phrase, very witty without seeming forced. Keep up the good work!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Invalid Item" .
Also, I am running a writing competition with big prizes. I've given away 30000 gift points so far and given 2 writers just like you a publishing opportunity. In a years time, one of those writers may win an upgraded membership. Hey, that could be you. I think your interests and writing style would fit perfectly with this months crime noir theme.
Decembers detailed writing prompt comp has a crime noir theme. It's set in a Chinese restaurant and features a fortune cookie that sparks off a chain of events. Events decided by YOU! This month's minimum word count is only 300 words and there is still DAYS to compete!
Nice writing, you nailed the voice of a lovecraftian/edwardian scientist-type. Even the setting was nicely myserious in that "all of england and all things edwardian are spooky" manner.
My only suggestion is that instead of having the narrator cut off so abruptly - and so clueless - it might add some needed tension by having him fearful of his cat in the first place. Maybe the cat is scratching to get in to begin with.
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I am also running a writing competition with big prizes. Ive given away 30000 gift points so far and given 2 writers just like you a publishing opportunity. In a years time, one of those writers may win an upgraded membership. Hey, that could be you {username:Complexity}. I think your interests and writing style would fit perfectly with this months crime noir theme. There's still five days to get cracking and this months minimum word count is 300 words.
I really got into the visuals of this. Very cinematic. There were some nice phrases used.
The end didnt really do it for me though. It was a little anti-climactic. I was also confused by the Princes wish not being granted. If the witch tricked him, you need to make it more obvious to us
I'm giving it 4, because the scope of the pieces imagination was worthy of an extra .5.
Awww. Now, that's so sad. I really felt for you with this one. Good luck. There's always something good around the corner waiting for you. Some wait longer then others, true. But things really do get better.
Could do with some serious proof reading but seriously, really good writing.
You really capture Glorys voice well. Can't say Ive read much 2nd person PoV stuff and never saw the point in trying it myself. But after reading this, and seeing how well it worked, I definitely something I'm going to experiment with now.
I thought your dialogue was spot on. Malfoy and Hagrid were completely different characters. Really good job.
That's officially the scareiest poem I've ever read. Great work, I thought you exEcuted that very well. The hospital scene was especially well done. Could have been quite jarring to the flow but it quickly sucked me in again.
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Nice writing. Very good technical writing which is great for you - you get to focus on the ideas of writing for the rest of your life and not the mechanics like the rest of us! ;)
The two viewpoints don't work in this piece, not because "you shouldn't have two viewpoints" but because you've got all around the wrong way for the characters.
Nick is the one who just wants to run and is trying to be tough and survive - but he talks, and talks and we see inside his whole head. Eleanor is the one just wants to talk and have someone be with her and survive as a team - but her veiwpoint piece is the insular one.
I think if you revamped it with those viewpoints switched around people would be responding with reviews of "I don't normally like 2 viewpoints in a story that switch all the time, but this one /really/ works. "
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I also run this writing prompt challenge. There's still time to enter and win. Even if only 1 person enters I still award the prize. I'm crazy like that ;)
Very gripping. And you're right, you do like big ideas.
I think you might have missed the mark so to speak when it comes to the translations however. I found that I quickly and rather mechanically skipped over the large german text in the scene where Nikalaus loses his temper. When I read the englishtranslation at the end of your piece, I see that it was actually quite an empassioned rant. None of that came through in the body of the story as I do not speak german and cannot even guess at the words being used. I think a reader would have to be quite a different beast to study the foreign words and discern their emotional level from punctuation.
The last translation seems to be very important to the whole story. You are the monster, I am a God. I would either leave that translation out. Keep the german and not let the reader have the easy satisfaction of hearing the revelation or I would have someone else, an english/german speaker translate for Samuel.
When you hear that last translation then you realise that their really is only one suitable title for this piece and that is Monsters or Ungeheuer. Which I am assuming means Monsters in Germans ;)
One last thing, is that by having Samuel kill people at the start, it makes his actual hard work lose its power.
If he was purposely missing people to leave clues and then HAD to kill someone, just the one person, at the end for his plan not to fail. It then becomes a question of "when does murder become justified" with a more sympathetic hero to the reader. This would make the reader really think about that question because each man is his own hero. (and the german word for hero is...)
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There's an awkwardness to the initial prose that I like. I would hazad a guEss that some folks will tell u not to begin your story with such a foreign sounding city name. I like it though. It works exactly because of your next sentence about Ahmed agar being a modern city. The way you have phrased it is perfect. It works.
I am running a writing competition with big prizes. Ive given away 30000 gift points so far and given 2 writers just like you a publishing opportunity. In a years time, one of those writers may win an upgraded membership. Hey, that could be you {username:Weirdo}. I think your interests and writing style would fit perfectly with this months crime noir theme.
Nice one - farts are always funny! My only suggestion is that I would have liked to have seen more interaction from the crowd, ESP from the crowd when the faeries started dying. Maybe a few near misses leading up.
You also may like to check out the writing prompt competition I'm running. 10000 gift points and inclusion in an ebook are up for grabs
That's really good. I really liked this line:
"Clyde swipes a paw in his direction and for a moment I would rather go to prison than abandon this toy lion."
I liked the way you made both the narrator and the psychologist sinister but the narrators crime ends up showing him as a victim.
Your style and ability to write is demonstrated well in this story. I do feel that the story structure could do with some tightening. The I don't like Monday's riff and scene could easily start the story off, even melded with the dog anecdote (which is an important motif to your tale). If your intent is to offer a mystery about who actually killed the girl then you may have played your hand to late.
Lastly, I'm not actually positive what happened in the end? Did the DA believe the police woman or did he get the murderess pregnant?
Like I said though you have a very nice style and some considerable skill.
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