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Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Premonition  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Now that's a text book case of a good short short story! I just read a book on short story writing and it was full of examples just like yours. Well done, very well crafted.

Perhaps you'd like to showcase your talents in my competiton. I think your talent for the paranormal would be suited to the competition I run. The link is in my sig but here are the details for this month.

Februarys Detailed Writing Prompt is an easy ride along a slow highway. Just watch out for that gang of bikies screaming up behind you, crowding your rear view mirror and breathing down your neck. Better hit the gas, cowboy!

The Big Bang

Start your story with a dramatic event that grabs the interest of your readers. For example a murder, a car crash, an explosion, a relationship break-up. The opening event will then provide a launching point for you to introduce your characters, who will go on to face new complications arising from the original event.

An advantage of this approach is that it is immediately captivating and it allows you to introduce your characters in a situation of high stress, which will reveal a great deal about who they are.

A challenge is that you may then face an early anti-climax if you are not careful.

If it helps you get started, here are some character prompts. You don't have to use all of these characters, or even any of them. This month I have given the character prompts a supernatural feel in keeping with much of the paranormal action-adventure/romance stories here on WDC.

THE CHARACTERS:

DEJUAN VILLEGAS. An undead baron, a locket with a commoner's picture on it gives Dejuan a mysterious appearance. His cold blue eyes scan the area from beneath messy black hair. He has a long scar over his eyes and a penchant for body bandages.
Dejuan uses brute force to protect what is important to him and cuts corners and commits small crimes whenever he can get away with it.

DIAMOND SWEET. Diamond has messy, combed back orange hair and shimmering hazel eyes. He has a haughty gaze and a frenzied look in his eyes. He wears a swashbuckers shirt and breeches and speaks plainly. Whenever the moon is waning, Diamonds vision begins rapidly failing. He is a werewolf. His drive to create a perfect society borders on madness but his good will is apparent in everything he does.

SAVANNA SARAH CRUZ. The untrustworthy-looking Savanna wears a pirate captains coat. Savanna's destructive spirit manifests in her tendency to use intimidation over diplomacy, and to solve problems with force rather then forethought. Savanna is a seer and by taking a deep swig of wine she can sense the locations of all nearby magical forces. Though sometimes coarse and harsh, Savanna truly has everyone's best interest at heart. The pirate captain's coat hides the effects of a curse where her skin has become repulsive to anyone who desires her.

DR ELDERS. The foppish looking Dr Elders wears a school uniform. He too is a bearer of much angst and is secretly responsible for the death of hundreds. His love of order is displayed by his stark organisational skills and in order to resurrect his dead brother, Dr Elders will literally do anything. When badly wounded, Dr Elder automatically invokes the secret force FLARECHILD'S GLORY and can speak, read and understand the language of light-aligned supernatural creatures.

---


For writers this will be an interesting challenge as by it's nature you will have certain elements dictated to you restricting freedom of choice. But on the other hand, that overwhelming sense of "where do I begin." will be missing thus freeing you to WRITE.

For readers and reviewers, it will be a great chance to compare writing styles and structures with similar elements and frameworks.

Monthly prize is 10 000 gift points and inclusion in an anthology. A great publishing opportunity, and there are more details about it on the competition page.
52
52
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

I think what some people don't realise about 'telling' as opposed to 'showing' is that 'telling' can be a very sinister way of telling a story, especially when introducing a story or an adding atmosphere throughout.

I think your talents would be suited to the competition I run. The link is in my sig but here are the details for this month.

Februarys Detailed Writing Prompt is an easy ride along a slow highway. Just watch out for that gang of bikies screaming up behind you, crowding your rear view mirror and breathing down your neck. Better hit the gas, cowboy!

The Big Bang

Start your story with a dramatic event that grabs the interest of your readers. For example a murder, a car crash, an explosion, a relationship break-up. The opening event will then provide a launching point for you to introduce your characters, who will go on to face new complications arising from the original event.

An advantage of this approach is that it is immediately captivating and it allows you to introduce your characters in a situation of high stress, which will reveal a great deal about who they are.

A challenge is that you may then face an early anti-climax if you are not careful.

If it helps you get started, here are some character prompts. You don't have to use all of these characters, or even any of them. This month I have given the character prompts a supernatural feel in keeping with much of the paranormal action-adventure/romance stories here on WDC.

THE CHARACTERS:

DEJUAN VILLEGAS. An undead baron, a locket with a commoner's picture on it gives Dejuan a mysterious appearance. His cold blue eyes scan the area from beneath messy black hair. He has a long scar over his eyes and a penchant for body bandages.
Dejuan uses brute force to protect what is important to him and cuts corners and commits small crimes whenever he can get away with it.

DIAMOND SWEET. Diamond has messy, combed back orange hair and shimmering hazel eyes. He has a haughty gaze and a frenzied look in his eyes. He wears a swashbuckers shirt and breeches and speaks plainly. Whenever the moon is waning, Diamonds vision begins rapidly failing. He is a werewolf. His drive to create a perfect society borders on madness but his good will is apparent in everything he does.

SAVANNA SARAH CRUZ. The untrustworthy-looking Savanna wears a pirate captains coat. Savanna's destructive spirit manifests in her tendency to use intimidation over diplomacy, and to solve problems with force rather then forethought. Savanna is a seer and by taking a deep swig of wine she can sense the locations of all nearby magical forces. Though sometimes coarse and harsh, Savanna truly has everyone's best interest at heart. The pirate captain's coat hides the effects of a curse where her skin has become repulsive to anyone who desires her.

DR ELDERS. The foppish looking Dr Elders wears a school uniform. He too is a bearer of much angst and is secretly responsible for the death of hundreds. His love of order is displayed by his stark organisational skills and in order to resurrect his dead brother, Dr Elders will literally do anything. When badly wounded, Dr Elder automatically invokes the secret force FLARECHILD'S GLORY and can speak, read and understand the language of light-aligned supernatural creatures.

---


For writers this will be an interesting challenge as by it's nature you will have certain elements dictated to you restricting freedom of choice. But on the other hand, that overwhelming sense of "where do I begin." will be missing thus freeing you to WRITE.

For readers and reviewers, it will be a great chance to compare writing styles and structures with similar elements and frameworks.

Monthly prize is 10 000 gift points and inclusion in an anthology. A great publishing opportunity, and there are more details about it on the competition page.


---
The Detailed Writing Prompt Comp  (E)
Multiple, Big Prizes plus PUBLICATION. Every entry wins Gift Points. JULY Prompt up!
#1814391 by Thundersbeard 30DBC JULY HOST

---
"Starting to Write
---
"No Rest
---
Michael Thundersbeard
Artist, Writer, Father, Factory Worker.
http://www.lifeandothertragedies.com
(and husband too!)
53
53
Review of Burlesque  
for entry "Prologue - Retrospect
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

That was incredibly well-written and realised. I don't know many writers who could pull off the imagery in the final paragraphs after a deceptively straight-forward narrative through-out. Really inspiring stuff.


---
The Detailed Writing Prompt Comp  (E)
Multiple, Big Prizes plus PUBLICATION. Every entry wins Gift Points. JULY Prompt up!
#1814391 by Thundersbeard 30DBC JULY HOST

---
"Starting to Write
---
"No Rest
---
Michael Thundersbeard
Artist, Writer, Father, Factory Worker.
http://www.lifeandothertragedies.com
(and husband too!)
54
54
Review of Knocking 'em Dead  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
That was fantastic! I can't believe it was only 497 words! Jeez, you get a lot of bang for your buck if you only use dialogue don't you!

I think you'd be a natural to compete in a monthly writing competition I run here. There are big prizes. Including publication in an ebook collection featuring the winning prompt entries plus each winner gets to include a non-prompt story to showcase their non-competition talents.

Februarys Detailed Writing Prompt is an easy ride along a slow highway. Just watch out for that gang of bikies screaming up behind you, crowding your rear view mirror and breathing down your neck. Better hit the gas, cowboy!

The Big Bang

Start your story with a dramatic event that grabs the interest of your readers. For example a murder, a car crash, an explosion, a relationship break-up. The opening event will then provide a launching point for you to introduce your characters, who will go on to face new complications arising from the original event.

An advantage of this approach is that it is immediately captivating and it allows you to introduce your characters in a situation of high stress, which will reveal a great deal about who they are.

A challenge is that you may then face an early anti-climax if you are not careful.

If it helps you get started, here are some character prompts. You don't have to use all of these characters, or even any of them. This month I have given the character prompts a supernatural feel in keeping with much of the paranormal action-adventure/romance stories here on WDC.

THE CHARACTERS:

DEJUAN VILLEGAS. An undead baron, a locket with a commoner's picture on it gives Dejuan a mysterious appearance. His cold blue eyes scan the area from beneath messy black hair. He has a long scar over his eyes and a penchant for body bandages.
Dejuan uses brute force to protect what is important to him and cuts corners and commits small crimes whenever he can get away with it.

DIAMOND SWEET. Diamond has messy, combed back orange hair and shimmering hazel eyes. He has a haughty gaze and a frenzied look in his eyes. He wears a swashbuckers shirt and breeches and speaks plainly. Whenever the moon is waning, Diamonds vision begins rapidly failing. He is a werewolf. His drive to create a perfect society borders on madness but his good will is apparent in everything he does.

SAVANNA SARAH CRUZ. The untrustworthy-looking Savanna wears a pirate captains coat. Savanna's destructive spirit manifests in her tendency to use intimidation over diplomacy, and to solve problems with force rather then forethought. Savanna is a seer and by taking a deep swig of wine she can sense the locations of all nearby magical forces. Though sometimes coarse and harsh, Savanna truly has everyone's best interest at heart. The pirate captain's coat hides the effects of a curse where her skin has become repulsive to anyone who desires her.

DR ELDERS. The foppish looking Dr Elders wears a school uniform. He too is a bearer of much angst and is secretly responsible for the death of hundreds. His love of order is displayed by his stark organisational skills and in order to resurrect his dead brother, Dr Elders will literally do anything. When badly wounded, Dr Elder automatically invokes the secret force FLARECHILD'S GLORY and can speak, read and understand the language of light-aligned supernatural creatures.

---


For writers this will be an interesting challenge as by it's nature you will have certain elements dictated to you restricting freedom of choice. But on the other hand, that overwhelming sense of "where do I begin." will be missing thus freeing you to WRITE.

For readers and reviewers, it will be a great chance to compare writing styles and structures with similar elements and frameworks.

Monthly prize is 10 000 gift points plus publication.


Hope to see you in the forum, and I hope to read your entry there too!

--

The Detailed Writing Prompt Comp  (E)
Multiple, Big Prizes plus PUBLICATION. Every entry wins Gift Points. JULY Prompt up!
#1814391 by Thundersbeard 30DBC JULY HOST
55
55
Rated: E | (4.5)
One of the best Dear Me entries I've read. Well executed and you certainly maintained the style for the whole piece. Is procastication actually a word though? You have me doubting it is not, it certainly sounds likes one! Or are you more of a George Bush Jnr type of Published Author Elect, with a prospensity to mangle a few choice words and phrases here and there?

Perhaps, in your campaigning to become a published author you could drop by this here little writing prompt competition I have running. Give a speech, kiss a book, try not to get assassinated. That kind of thing.

There are big prizes, including a slot in an ebook collection featuring all the winning entries PLUS each included author gets to include a non-prompt piece of writing as well.

Februarys Detailed Writing Prompt is an easy ride along a slow highway. Just watch out for that gang of bikies screaming up behind you, crowding your rear view mirror and breathing down your neck. Better hit the gas, cowboy!

The Big Bang

Start your story with a dramatic event that grabs the interest of your readers. For example a murder, a car crash, an explosion, a relationship break-up. The opening event will then provide a launching point for you to introduce your characters, who will go on to face new complications arising from the original event.

An advantage of this approach is that it is immediately captivating and it allows you to introduce your characters in a situation of high stress, which will reveal a great deal about who they are.

A challenge is that you may then face an early anti-climax if you are not careful.

If it helps you get started, here are some character prompts. You don't have to use all of these characters, or even any of them. Totally optional. People seem to like the character prompts as well as the setting prompts so I'll try to include them each month. This month I have given the character prompts a supernatural feel in keeping with much of the paranormal action-adventure/romance stories here on WDC.

THE CHARACTERS:

DEJUAN VILLEGAS. An undead baron, a locket with a commoner's picture on it gives Dejuan a mysterious appearance. His cold blue eyes scan the area from beneath messy black hair. He has a long scar over his eyes and a penchant for body bandages.
Dejuan uses brute force to protect what is important to him and cuts corners and commits small crimes whenever he can get away with it.

DIAMOND SWEET. Diamond has messy, combed back orange hair and shimmering hazel eyes. He has a haughty gaze and a frenzied look in his eyes. He wears a swashbuckers shirt and breeches and speaks plainly. Whenever the moon is waning, Diamonds vision begins rapidly failing. He is a werewolf. His drive to create a perfect society borders on madness but his good will is apparent in everything he does.

SAVANNA SARAH CRUZ. The untrustworthy-looking Savanna wears a pirate captains coat. Savanna's destructive spirit manifests in her tendency to use intimidation over diplomacy, and to solve problems with force rather then forethought. Savanna is a seer and by taking a deep swig of wine she can sense the locations of all nearby magical forces. Though sometimes coarse and harsh, Savanna truly has everyone's best interest at heart. The pirate captain's coat hides the effects of a curse where her skin has become repulsive to anyone who desires her.

DR ELDERS. The foppish looking Dr Elders wears a school uniform. He too is a bearer of much angst and is secretly responsible for the death of hundreds. His love of order is displayed by his stark organisational skills and in order to resurrect his dead brother, Dr Elders will literally do anything. When badly wounded, Dr Elder automatically invokes the secret force FLARECHILD'S GLORY and can speak, read and understand the language of light-aligned supernatural creatures.

---


For writers this will be an interesting challenge as by it's nature you will have certain elements dictated to you restricting freedom of choice. But on the other hand, that overwhelming sense of "where do I begin." will be missing thus freeing you to WRITE.

For readers and reviewers, it will be a great chance to compare writing styles and structures with similar elements and frameworks.

Hope to see you in the forum, and I hope to read your entry there too!

Good luck with your campaign!

--
The Detailed Writing Prompt Comp  (E)
Multiple, Big Prizes plus PUBLICATION. Every entry wins Gift Points. JULY Prompt up!
#1814391 by Thundersbeard 30DBC JULY HOST

---
"Starting to Write
---
"No Rest
---
Michael Thundersbeard
Artist, Writer, Father, Factory Worker.
http://www.lifeandothertragedies.com
(and husband too!)
56
56
Rated: E | (5.0)
If you're rewriting the prequels, why have the clone wars at all?

The point of the prequels was to explain 2 things.

1. Where did all the Jedi go? (said in doofus voice if you like)
2. How did Luke's dad get so bad.

You could have a great martial arts movie a la kill bill or crouching tiger, hidden dragon with a lone sith assassin taking out the Jedi, one-by-one. Anakin tries to stop HER but falls in love. She has the babies but the other Jedi take the babies and kill the miss us. In fact, Ben kills the missus.

anakin joins the empire for 2 reasons: to get his babies back. Both of them.

Or to add some more depth, Anakin is with the Princess and impregnated her (George Lucas wants a skywalker royal dynasty remember) then cheats on her with the lone sigh assassin. The Jedi punish him by killing his new love, banishing him from his children's hands and breaking his hands so he can't hold a light saber.

Or

What if the lone sith assassin is Luke's father. They don't have an affair though. That's the black market version ;)
He finally finds his own dad, they have a big moment, and Ben and the other Jedis come and kill the dad and banish Anakin from his kids lives (he's tainted by his sith blood, or something suitably racist.)

You should make this a forum so we can all discuss this betterer.
57
57
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great poem. Very powerful. I didn't stumble over any phrasing, extra points for no clumsy phrases! Is it free verse or does it use a form/framework? Glad it won first place, very deserving.



---
The Detailed Writing Prompt Comp  (E)
Multiple, Big Prizes plus PUBLICATION. Every entry wins Gift Points. JULY Prompt up!
#1814391 by Thundersbeard 30DBC JULY HOST

---
"Starting to Write
---
"No Rest
---
Michael Thundersbeard
Artist, Writer, Father, Factory Worker.
http://www.lifeandothertragedies.com
(and husband too!)
58
58
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
That's superb. Love that second stanza. There's not an uncomfortable word or phrase in this poem, it was a pleasure to read.
59
59
Rated: E | (4.5)
Not that funny but very well written. Are "Israeli" and "Terrorist" traits? Or are they just facts?

Great set-up and I couldn't stop reading until the end. I would have liked a better pay off though then the throwaway line you used.
60
60
Review of A Long time Ago  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Writing is okay, but you could use some more prose to balance out the lesson and make it seem less didactic. I don't mean balance is terms of offering both sides of the view bit balance between dialogue and description.

Also, Mike forgot to mention that thoughout history Jesulalem and it's surrounds has ChangEd hands numerous imes with more hen one party believing it is it's homeland. His is henreal cause of he strife, and the reason why the Jews will not relocate to Nebraska.
E
61
61
Review of Robert  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hmm, was he a robot? Or did he just think he was one? Interesting.

"factories to make stuff."

It's a little jarring to read this, as he's so intellectual with his other modes of speech. I think something more specific is called for here.
62
62
Review of JUDITY  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ive never read poetry as review before. Well done, I liked it. I only have the one query
Should it not be stereotyped and not stereotype? Or was this on purpose?

---
The Detailed Writing Prompt Comp  (E)
Multiple, Big Prizes plus PUBLICATION. Every entry wins Gift Points. JULY Prompt up!
#1814391 by Thundersbeard 30DBC JULY HOST

---
"Starting to Write
---
"No Rest
---
Michael Thundersbeard
Artist, Writer, Father, Factory Worker.
http://www.lifeandothertragedies.com
(and husband too!)
63
63
Rated: E | (4.0)
I think you could lose the last line and the poem would still work. It would give it a sense of urgency as well as mystery. I'm unsure which part is the metaphor however as you have used a simile right before you start talkin about the metaphor of the hole. Having the simile there detracts from the metaphor. It's a nice piece though, and with a little more exercising could be a real tear jerker.

---
The Detailed Writing Prompt Comp  (E)
Multiple, Big Prizes plus PUBLICATION. Every entry wins Gift Points. JULY Prompt up!
#1814391 by Thundersbeard 30DBC JULY HOST

---
"Starting to Write
---
"No Rest
---
Michael Thundersbeard
Artist, Writer, Father, Factory Worker.
http://www.lifeandothertragedies.com
(and husband too!)
64
64
Review of Anger-management  
Rated: E | (4.0)
It's called having a strong moral compass. Perhaps a mantra of "I'm not angry, I am frustrated" could help too.

It's obviously a personal situation you are dealing with, but I think this paragraph could use some work.
"Mainly because of what usually triggers my anger explosion. unfairness. people acting so selfishly wrong towards an issue that can be easily solved if they let go of their stronghold on their ego for a split second and take their eyes off the mirror for a while."

Also, more opportunities to add the phrase "I have anger management issues" would cement the theme and give your work a poetic feel. Poetic-feeling pieces reflect anger-pieces well.
65
65
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great article, very informative without being clunky.
66
66
Review of Bits of Irony  
Rated: E | (4.5)
These are really good. They read like journalistic character studies and wouldn't be out of place in one of the glossy magazines inserted into the Sunday papers. (at least, here in Australia they are glossy covered inserts. I'm unsure if America shares the same taste in magazine inserts in her Sunday paper!)

If you're not submitting articles in this style, you should be.



---
The Detailed Writing Prompt Comp  (E)
Multiple, Big Prizes plus PUBLICATION. Every entry wins Gift Points. JULY Prompt up!
#1814391 by Thundersbeard 30DBC JULY HOST

---
"Starting to Write
---
"No Rest
---
Michael Thundersbeard
Artist, Writer, Father, Factory Worker.
http://www.lifeandothertragedies.com
67
67
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice poem. What form is it?
68
68
Review of The Last Time  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nice writing but you need to work on your tenses.

Examples:
I was a different person now, to back then, of course.

was is past tense but now is present tense.

It should be:

I am a different person now, to back then, of course.

Also, in this part:

When you're staring down the muzzle of a laser cannon, you didn't stop to ponder if the creature holding it agreed with your views on economic policy and social responsibility.

/didn't/ should be /don't/

It's a nice piece though, well done, very melancholy.
69
69
Review of American  
Rated: E | (4.0)
That's a very good poem. Very rousing. If you haven't already, you should submit it to some educational websites/magazines. I remember reading poems like that in my school textbooks/magazines when I was a young lad.

What kind of poem is it?
70
70
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A few spelling errors here and there but technically you are a fine writer.

I would also recommend expanding the section where Barnabas and Lydia talk to Malachi about how they know that Jesus was the Messiah.
71
71
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I effing love that "f this and f that but they were saying f*** not f" line. It's even better that you put it in twice, so close together. Third time would have been the charm though, and think how much funnier that scene would be if the lady says "effing" instead of "friggen".

Nice work, made me laugh.
72
72
Review of Brother's Blog  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
You've got the beginnings of a great little Twilight Zone-esque story there mate. Or a Matt Damon movie at least.
73
73
Review of Cher Ami  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice. Very nice. My only suggestion is to mention that not only did they not have radios, they actually had to wind up telephones. I found myself thinking "hang on, I'm sure they had radios." but then I remembered those wind up telephone contraptions they had. It would add some authenticity to the piece with such a cool old time gadget!
74
74
Review of The Scribes  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really like your introductory page. It's as elegant and simple as your intentions.
75
75
Review of The old city.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya,

Firstly, this has great potential. It's got a great setting, youve setup a nice little plot and you've developed your writing style nicely around an action orientated plot.

I'm only going to offer 2 suggestions for improvement but they are important ones. It's okay to have 8 characters but to pull it off you need to have the 1 POV character from the start. This doesn't mean follow the guy around to the exception of all else, it means give us someone to focus on.

Secondly, don't wait until a character says someone's name to start callin that character by his name in the exposition. With so many characters it gets confusing and a little annoying. Give us their names or don't ever give us their names.

Anyway good job and kudos on such a long piece.
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