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376 Public Reviews Given
376 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write long, in-depth reviews. My main focus is on the content of your writing more than on fixing grammar mistakes. I always give my honest opinion, even if I feel your piece needs work. I do not do this to prop up my ego, but to help you as a writer. After all, it is hard to spot what needs more work when we as authors are too close to it. If you do not agree with something that I have said, that is perfectly fine by me and please feel free to disregard my advice. You won't hurt my feelings.
I'm good at...
I'm well read in the classics and in science fiction and fantasy. In these genres I know what has been done to death and what is new and fresh. I feel that I give the best reviews in these genres.
Favorite Genres
Science Fiction, Fantasy, Regency Fiction, Steampunk
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica, Horror
Favorite Item Types
I prefer to review short stories or chapters of novels. I've been known to review all the chapters of a novel for friends.
Least Favorite Item Types
I like poetry, but I do not believe there is much to review about it. It is a very subjective genre and far to personal to review. I also tend to avoid non-fiction.
I will not review...
I prefer to not review Erotica at all. While I do not enjoy reading Horror, I will review it and remain focused on the general writing aspects of your story.
Public Reviews
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26
26
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I seldom review poetry because I have no real understanding of it. I enjoy listening to it, but what goes on in the writing and conception of poetry has always eluded me. This is why I enjoyed reading your article about your appreciation for the forms of poetry. It seemed to me that while you have a greater understanding of what poetry IS, you too had also more enjoyed it for what it was rather than delving into the structures of what makes poems more formal. The fact that you were able to make that final leap into understanding what formal poetry is all about is an inspiration to me. Perhaps I will look into taking a few classes on the subject this year and see if I can understand this short form of writing myself.


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27
27
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a review you purchased from the WDC review system. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

This action packed chapter was filled with detail and history. It brought a Russian Brig lost at sea into three dimensional life and in a short time, I began to care what happened to these brave Russians. I believe you are off to a good start on an interest tale of history, the supernatural, and clashing cultures.

*CheckG* Plot:

This chapter had a solid plot. It had a good beginning with the storm, giving the reader plenty of action to absorb and then the shipwreck and its aftermath. While this plot has been done many times before, you gave it fresh life with your descriptions and characters.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

I did not get a sense that this story is told by Mikhail, but rather by an unseen narrator. I'm not sure if that is your intent or not.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

I found the Russian brig to be fascinating in all its grimy detail. I could feel that I was out at sea along with Mikhail and the crew. The land was less defined. I know Alaska since I grew up in the Pacific Northwest, and you did not add in the plants and animals that would be found there. Still, the forest was viewed by a boy with hypothermia, in that sense, he would not have been noticing all those details anyway.

*CheckG* Characters:

You did a great job defining Mikhail, his seafaring past and his various relationships among the crew. While the Captain and Cook had small parts, they jumped off the page and were quite memorable. The native alaskan girl and her father were also well described and interesting.

*CheckG* Dialog:

I'm curious why all your dialog is in italic font? It seems odd to me. I do not mind that the diary entries were also in italic, but you should put regular dialog with the same font as everything else. Even if the characters are speaking Russian or Indian, that doesn't matter, it should not be in italics.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

TYPOS:

“More soup boy boomed the voice. And mind your step now; she’s kicked up nasty again.” (Missing quotation mark before boomed - "More soup boy," boomed the voice. "And mind your step now;)

“I will take some food topside now, Mikhail said dutifully as he filled the mess-can with the noxious fish gruel. Is there any herb tea left. The captain will be weary. Some hot tea will do him well.” (missing quotation mark before Is)

“Heed my warning well Mikhail Ivanov. You must sway the captain to turn back. We have wandered into the sea of Charybdis and will soon parish at the hands of the Valkyries. Pray to the gods Mikhail, for the non-believers will surely die.” (Spelling - perish not parish)

She wore a long intricately weaved shawl which hung on her body like a poncho. (woven, not weaved)

ADVERBS:

49 adverbs in total in this chapter. Far too many. Use *ly in your search function of your word processor to find and then remove most of them.

barely 2x
finally 2x
nearly 2x
oddly 2x
only 9x
quickly 4x
slightly 3x
suddenly 2x

There are more, but these are the most frequent used adverbs.

REPEATED PHRASES

These are phrases you repeat often in your work. Find them and reword.

in the galley
made for the
bellowed over the
for a moment
leading to the
looked up with
pray for land
take some food
the crashing waves
the howling wind
to his knees
to his waist

When you first described the kitchen, you used the word galley at least 3 times in one paragraph. You need to remove at least two of those occurrences and find another word to describe the space there.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I enjoyed reading your sea tale and feel you are off to a great start of an interesting tale. A few things pulled at my attention:

You tend to pack a great deal into your sentences. Sometimes they were a bit awkward and difficult to read. I realize that Melville and other authors of the past wrote in this dense style, but it is considered heavy-handed today.

You might wish to lose a little of the detail in your settings and characters to help move the action. For example: You gave quite a bit of history about the Norse amulets, yet these items did not play a big part in the story at that point. If they are necessary for later in your tale, simply mention them, but lose some of the detail. Your reader does not need to know about every scratch on the deck of the ship to visualize it. Less is more.

Put your dialog into regular font. The use of italics is distracting and I'm not sure what its purpose was. The italic font works fine with the diary entry.

Remove adverbs.

Check over your repeated phrases and reword them.

Keep the action in present tense. Do not tell the reader that a character is going to do something, have them do it. (I personally have this problem in my own writing, just keep at it. *g*)



I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


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28
28
Review of Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I found myself being drawn into your story of the little boy who is watching as he father is elected into office. The concept was a good set up for a novel, which you state this is in your description.

*CheckG* Plot:

You had a good beginning with introducing the little boy and seeing the world through his eyes and then expanded that world to include his father's waiting to learn if he had won the election or not.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

Your narrator is a small child, but at times you threw in words or subjects in his thoughts that were well above his ability and innocence to understand. That was you the author projecting your own views on the character and it showed through strongly. If you wish the child to have more understanding of the world, you should perhaps make him older. If you wish to make the father a villain, perhaps you could show it via his own actions and words in front of the boy instead of telling the reader that he "hates lesbians and Paki". I'm not sure what a Paki is exactly, I am assuming that is a Pakistani national. This choice is awkward at best and jars the reader away from the child character.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

Your settings had enough detail to set the stage, but I would have liked to know what country they were in. I believe that it was England and perhaps a period piece, but I was not sure. You should work time and place a little more into the details of your setting.

*CheckG* Characters:

I felt that your characters were different enough to show individuality. The little boy seemed a bit too old for his years, but this is a rough draft and hopefully you can research more about child behavior for that age. I liked that he thought of the slogan for his father and had pride in his accomplishment. That showed a loving connection between the father and son.

*CheckG* Dialog:

You dialog did serve to help set your characters apart. The child did sound like a child. The mother was distracted. The announcements were formal enough. Well done.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

Abverbs:

The noise abated but didn’t disappear completely as the speaker waited for as much hush as he was going to get.

He only got seven votes.

Misused Words:

he’d felt important as he’d walked past the cue of people waiting in the rain. passed queue


*CheckG* Suggestions:

Since this is a rough draft, I'd leave it basically as is for now and continue forward with the rest of your story. You have a good start here with interesting characters and a ripe situation for conflict. Good luck!


I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


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29
29
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
This is a System Review purchased by the author. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I can tell that this is the roughest of a rough draft. There is little plot or meaning to the work. I think it is something to do with the origin of a superhero type character, but I'm not sure.

*CheckG* Plot:

This is only a first chapter, but even so there should be a beginning a middle and an resolution with a question at the end to carry the reader forward to the next chapter. This is not present in the chapter. While there are location changes and dialog, everything is so bare bones that it is difficult to tell what is going on.


*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

You name locations at your scene dividers, but otherwise I had trouble seeing any of the locations you wrote about. You need to visualize each location and describe it in your writing, not simply tell the reader where they are. This is not asking you to do an info dump.

For instance:

In an island laboratory, machines are making noises, and several people in lab coats are working. A blue haired woman in a lab coat is behind two men and next to her is an older gentleman. They are both eagerly watching an experiment about to start behind a glass wall. A white haired man wearing a green shirt and pants and shoes is in his early 20's and is alone inside a room; He is walking impatiently circling the room.

There is too much repetitive detail. The reader only needs enough to set the scene, not every single little thing. The location becomes lost. Try and simplify. Only describe what is there once and no more. For example:

Inside the isolated laboratory room, large banks of machines surround a young man who paces back and forth like a caged tiger. He is alone, his white hair gleaming in the artificial light. In the room next door, three men and a woman are monitoring their tablets as the data from their subject comes in. The woman tucks a strand of her blue hair behind her ear and glances at the older gentleman beside her. He is the only one not wearing a labcoat and he stares at the test subject through the single window that separates the two room.

As you can see, I used all the details you provided, but I used phrases to suggest emotional states, movement to make the details of the people part of the action and only described the people one time each.

*CheckG* Characters:

There is little to zero character development at this time. All the characters are names only with little to distinguish them from each other. You need to write character sketches of each character and work small bits and pieces of this information into your writing so that the reader can visualize who each person is.

*CheckG* Dialog:

You use too many dialog tags. It is not necessary to point out to the reader every time who is speaking. Your dialog should naturally carry things along. As you rewrite, try and think about actions that would carry the dialog along and possibly remind the reader who is speaking, instead of using a dialog tag. When you absolutely do need to use a tag, a simple "Brad said." is enough.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

Abverb use: 46 adverbs used.

You should have no more than two or three adverbs in your chapter. Use "find *ly" to locate all the adverbs and then either remove the sentence outright or rewrite the sentence so that you describe the action instead of using the adverb.

Your sentences tend to be too long, try and split them up as you can.

Many times you tell the reader what the character is feeling. Remove those sentences and replace it with action that shows what the character is feeling.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

Obviously, this is a very rough draft. You have much work to do to revise this chapter into something readable. A few suggestions:

1. Try and think of a hook for your chapter. This is a first sentence that makes the reader interested in your story line.

2. Remove the adverbs.

3. Remove the excess dialog tags. When in doubt, use <character name> said. Try and use action tags to let the reader know who is talking.

4. Show the action, don't tell the reader how the characters are feeling.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


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30
30
Review of Mary-Ann  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Thank you for purchasing a review from me via the review system. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

Overall, I felt that this was a classic horror story. The story progressed in a clear manner. While I suspected what was going to happen to Carol did come to pass, your descriptions and the emotions that she feels at the end gives the story a good pay off.


*CheckG* Plot:

You did a good job building up to the time when Carol is captured, explaining her fascination with the mirror and the knowledge that what she saw there was not herself. I did feel the beginning, when she was 5 years old, was a bit long. Perhaps the information could be delivered a different way and start the story when she is a teenager?


*CheckG* Style and Voice:

Your protagonist had a strong voice in her narration. I could follow her thoughts and feelings easily. She was likable and as a reader, I felt sympathy for her plight.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

You did a good job in describing the party house and the place behind the mirror. The other locations were more nebulous, but considering that they were not as important in the story, that is acceptable.

*CheckG* Characters:

Your protagonist and supernatural villain are well formed and three dimensional (if you'll forgive the pun). I found the other teens to be not as well defined. I felt that Tristan, Carol's love interest, could have been given more detail to flesh him out.

*CheckG* Dialog:

Your dialog reads like what teenagers would say. I found it to be natural and it aided your story. Your choice of dialog tags hampered the flow of the character's speech on the page. Many times the dialog tags could have been removed in favor of action tags.

"Said" is the most frequently used dialog tag at 14 times, which is good, but you have also used the dialog tag "laughed" 12 times. You need to remove most of those and replace it with either an action tag or change it to "said". There are 30 other dialog tags used, usually just one time. This number is too high. You need to change them to "said" or use an action to describe the emotion or movement.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

Your spelling was good and in general your grammar is correct. I've outlined a few issues below via my analytical software to help you strengthen your piece. While the list might look long, you actually were not that bad with passive voice and other issues as compared to people I've worked with in the past. Remember, these are things that all writers need to address and EVERYONE has these issues crop up, whatever their level of writing skill.

Passive voice:

She was helping my cousin get into her expensive shoes and was too preoccupied to pay me much attention.

"Okay, mommy!" I exclaimed. I was so excited. (Capitalize mommy)

I realized that Mary Ann was not her own person, that she was connected irrevocably to me and what I chose to do or not do.

Then, two months before summer vacation was scheduled to begin, I triggered the catastrophe which I had apparently spent my whole life cultivating.

Her black hair was pulled back in a loose pony-tail, and she already looked stunning, makeup or no makeup.

Her eyes were a shade of green which was so dark that it could have been mistaken for brown, and her face was shaped like a slender heart.

Her lips were about the right size, not too thick but not so think that they were unnoticeable, and thanks to years of braces, her teeth were perfectly aligned within her almost-to-large mouth.

Chase just grinned, and fifteen minutes later we were parked in front of a dilapidated house.

It was located miles outside of the city limits and had been abandoned for as long as I could remember.

The walls seemed to bulge outward from the stress of the teenagers packed inside, and the entire structure looked like it was held together by only spider webs and dust.

I looked around for Andrea and Chase, but they had been swallowed by the crowd.

As I wiped away the last smudgy remnants of mascara, I was struck by an overwhelming feeling of deja vu.

I had finally stopped screaming, not because I was no longer afraid, but because I was too scared to open my mouth.

My head turned back to the mirror, and my desperation was replaced with rage.

We rounded the door-frame, just beyond the sight of the mirror, and he was gone.

I wondered how many more times I would be subjected to that, and I laughed at myself; as many times as amuses her.

Once the mirror is gone, I can move freely, and while I am relieved to be free from Mary Ann's torture, a strand of nostalgic longing threads itself through my heart and pulls itself taunt, crushing my heart in the process.

At first, I thought that they were more trapped than I, but now I am not so sure.

Adverbs:

There are 54 adverbs in your story. Every time you use an adverb, it is a lost opportunity to describe your action and allows the reader to distance themselves more from the story. Consider removing around 50 of them.

Most used adverbs:

eventually 2 times
finally 5 times
freely 2 times
only 10 times
probably 3 times
really 3 times
suddenly 4 times

Name Check:

You use the name "Mary Ann" 9 times and "Mary-Ann" 3 times. Pick one form and make sure the name conforms through your entire story.


Punctuation:

There are around 20 sentences that end in an exclamation point. This punctuation mark should be more of an accent, not in regular use. Change most of them to periods. Otherwise it feels like the girl is shouting all the time. I liked its use in the first sentence and when the horror part of the story began, but otherwise you should tone down your sentences to create more contrast in the different parts of your story.


*CheckG* Suggestions:

First take care of those adverbs. You'll find them by doing a "ly" check via the search feature in your word processor. At best, you should have 3 or 4 adverbs in total.

Next, work on the passive voice sentences. I've shown them to you above and highlighted the words you need to correct.

Take care of the Mary Ann issue. Make sure her name is the same throughout your work.

Remove the excessive exclamation points, convert them to periods.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Its been a pleasure reading it and I wish you all the best. Take care.


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31
31
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I thought that this was a good twist on the standard werewolf tale. Having the man change into a tiger was different.

*CheckG* Plot:

Your plot had a good progression, a bit of mystery at the beginning and then twist to the supernatural part of the story.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

Your POV of Cherry telling the story was constant through the story. Well done.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

There was not as much description of the surrounds as I might have liked. It was extremely minimal, and yet the story flowed well enough that this was not a complete determinant.

*CheckG* Characters:

Your two characters were fleshed out well and distinct from each other. Somewhat erotic, but given that one was a were, that is an understandable character trait.

*CheckG* Dialog:

Your dialog flowed naturally. I felt that these were two real people talking.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

You mentioned at the top of the story that you had cleaned up a great many typos. You did a good job. I did not see any obvious spelling or grammar errors.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

No suggestions for you. It was a cute story and I enjoyed reading it.



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32
32
Review of Weight loss foods  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

You have plenty of good information about weight loss diet in this essay, but it was all simply facts and therefore not easy to read. Had I not been reading this piece to review it, I would not have finished it.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

Your narrative voice comes across as professional and as a reader I felt that I could trust your facts based on that perceived voice.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

You have proofed your essay well. I did not see any obvious spelling or grammatical errors.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I would try and personalize this more. Give the reader a reason to want to continue reading. Perhaps start with a personal story that illustrates why this diet is healthy and necessary.




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33
33
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I have never heard of the practice of canned hunting before. It rather shocks me. I have hunted in the wild for meat in the past and I have raised animals on a ranch for food and skin, but this goes a step too far.

I thought your essay presented the act of this practice well and those that might participate in it. You then followed through with what legal actions are being done to prevent it and ended with a call to action.

Each transition of your essay was smooth and called on the emotions of the reader.


*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

I did not see any obvious spelling or grammar errors. You have proofed this essay well.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I have no real suggestions to make to you for improvements. I thought your piece was well written.




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34
34
Review of Troublemakers  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a review request from the WDC system by the author. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

This seems to be a nice YA fantasy featuring fairies, small children and their dog and lots of magic. All great fodder for a child's tale. However, while your writing style seems strong, I found myself drifting out of the story at several points and in the end I had to force myself to finish it so that I could complete the review. I believe that the main source of this was due to unexplained plot points and a lack of logical motivation on your character's part. I will explain more below.


*CheckG* Plot:

Your plot seemed logical, the confrontation over the children, the fairy taking them away and then facing the justice of the court for her actions. My only concern is that there seemed a lack of motivation for the characters and what they did and the gathering of components for the final spell was not mentioned before the finale when it was cast. This made the final spell weaker as a ending and did not make as much sense. You need to go through each plot point and develop more background as to why these characters would act and what magical and cultural laws support the final result.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

The idea that the fairy disappeared down a myriad of timeline thread possibilities was an interesting one. I would have liked to see the travel aspect played up a bit more. This would be a foreshadowing of her personal magic to the reader. It would give more weight to her power when she casts the final spell at the end of the story to bind the court to her will. Your other scene locations also lacked detail. I could not see them in my mind enough to place myself there.

*CheckG* Characters:

Your characters were rather two dimensional. While they did not fall into fairy stereotypes, there was still no indication for motivation behind Ezzy's taking of the children. While we the reader have sympathy for the kids since they were adorable and according to Ezzy fated for disaster, still there was no real reason given for her motivation to endanger herself over them to the extent that she did. Also, I found that calling her Esmeralda at some places and Ezzy in others was confusing. At first I thought that they were two different characters. You should settle on only one name for the character since the nickname serves no plot purpose in this short story.

While the children gave a sense of being adorable, otherwise there was not that much about them as people. I would have liked to see the dog do a few actions to help set it up as a character. Perhaps have a part to play in the actual plot instead of being window dressing.

*CheckG* Dialog:

I thought you did a great job with your action tags to show the action and to indicate who was speaking. While the dialog itself was not how modern people would speak, since these were magical creatures and the story did seem geared toward a YA audience, I thought that it worked in the story.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

You have a plethora of adverbs in this piece. A few of which you've used far too many times. While occasional adverb use is fine, you should use approximately one adverb per 300 words. By taking excessive adverbs from your work, you will be showing the action more than telling it.

You had 65+ adverbs in your 3000K word story.

carefully 2x
gently 5x
impatiently 2x
instantly 2x
neatly 2x
only 16x (a problem area)
playfully 2x
previously 2x
quickly 3x
silently 2x
simply 2x

There are more, but they all are single occurrences.

I did not see any major spelling or grammar errors in this work. No run-on sentences or awkward phrases. You have a clean writing style that is easy to follow.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

1. Create character sheets and work on your main characters backgrounds. Find reasons that would motivate them. Mag, Ezzy, the two children and the dog should be your main focus in this.
2. Develop your locations more, give them a magical air. The place where the children are discovered. The magical passage that Ezzy and the children escape through. Ezzy's refuge. The courtroom.
3. Remove the excessive number of adverbs, especially the ones that were repeated more than once. A few are okay. 65+ is too many for a story of this length.


I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


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35
35
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I never know how to review poetry. I find that it is very personal and it doesn't obey the same rules as prose. However, I found that I enjoyed your poem about the two sword brothers. They seemed like small children playing a game in the sandbox...or perhaps the sandbox was Iraq and the swords were metaphors for machine guns. At any rate, I enjoyed your poem. :)


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36
36
Review of Ode to Joy  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Oh my goodness! Was this a poem to a candy bar??? I about rolled on the floor laughing when I read the last line of your poem. I'm trying to figure out why you had certain words in red. Was that a sort of code? Anyway, a poem that makes me laugh is always tops in my book. :)
37
37
Review of O Mohonk  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I always find it difficult to "review" poetry on WDC. It is very subjective and personal to the writer. However, I do enjoy reading poetry and I'm glad that I happened on your poem in the WDC review list.

I liked the way that your poem flowed. It had a cadence to it. It brought up strong images in my mind as I read it, reminding me of a summer's day from my childhood.
38
38
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

A very powerful, well written story. Sometimes I think that the notion of liberty and the price that is paid for America to keep it is often lost these days. Stories like this one remind me of how precious our freedom is.

*CheckG* Plot:

The plot was simple, but since this was more about the feelings and thoughts of the young soldier, simple was good. The action of the story was clean and understandable, but it did not hit you over the head either. Well done.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:


*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

You did a great job with making the reader be there in the jungle with Eli. I could feel the mosquitoes and the mud along with him.

*CheckG* Characters:

Eli was a real person to me. I mourned his fate at the end of the story and yet at the same time felt uplifted. You did a great job with him.

*CheckG* Dialog:

You did a great job with the dialec in this piece. There was not a great deal of dialog, but what you used was effective.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

Your writing style drew me in and held me spell bound. You have a gift for description and symbolism. However, I noticed that you did not mind the continuity of your character names. The minor character soldiers had their names spelled in different ways at the beginning and the end of the story. You should go back and double check that and make the spellings consistent throughout the piece. You also misspelled the word soldier in the third paragraph.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I enjoy your writing and hope you'll consider correcting the typos in this piece and then submitting it for publishing somewhere. Good luck with your writing!




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Review of Apocalyptic Soul?  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

Wow, this was a well written and powerful story. I was a little confused about the narrator and what might happen, but this is simply the effect you were creating in the narrator's mind. It was a good way to show what this poor soul was feeling and why he did what he did at the end.

*CheckG* Plot:

There is a strong, but simple plot through your piece. It was easy to follow once I got used to the narrator's voice.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

I love the voice of your narrator. He is so lost and alone that you just want to reach in through the words and save him. Well done.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

Although your setting details were scant in the story, in this case I felt that it was a good reflection of your narrator's mind who likely was so internalized that he could likely not see what was around him.

*CheckG* Characters:

Your characters are somewhat stereotypical and yet you put such a distinct and powerful view on all three that they came to life for me. Well done.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

You have proofed this well. There were few problems. Just one or two typos.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

I think that this is a well polished piece and I recommend you look around for places to submit it for publishing. Do a quick proofing for typos before you do.



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Review of Spring Rain  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

This poem was sad and yet it inspired a sense of beauty inside of me. I enjoyed reading it.





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Review of "S"  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I loved the way that you started each line with an "S". It gave the poem an interesting quality that I don't often see in an "ode to spring" poem. Nicely done.


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Review of Spring Fever  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

Another ode to spring. I like how you turn the final line of the poem into being about the author's sweetheart. Good work. :)


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Review of Finally Spring  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I thought that this was a nice story about the soldier/wife relationship that is typical of the military today. I cared about both characters as I learned what was transpiring between them.

*CheckG* Plot:

I liked how you held back the details of what their relationship was until it progressed through the story. I would have liked a little more detail at the end however. I wondered what the man's injuries were and the circumstances of the battle, although I suppose that this is not central to the story of their relationship.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

The voice of this piece was your voice, that of the author. I never felt that I got inside either character fully.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

I liked how you used the seasons to describe the feelings of the woman. I could see your scene quite clearly.

*CheckG* Characters:

Both the man and woman were stereotypes of the soldier/wife relationship and experienced the typical separation anxiety that people in this situation would go through. There was little to personalize them into living, breathing human beings. I felt empathy for them and liked them, but I did not feel that I knew them as individuals.

*CheckG* Dialog:

Your dialog was natural, but sparse. There was little personal about it.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

1st para: The day before, huddled against each other, we walked hand in hand below trees dripping leaves of yet unnamed colors. We had walked here in summer, when these trees shimmered green and silver, vibrant and full of life.

You used the word "walked" twice, one sentence after another.

The Crocuses bloomed in colorful groups, buds grew into tiny leaves along tree limbs, and gardens filled the air with the sweet, nutty aroma of freshly turned earth. But in my heart it was still winter.

The crocuses bloomed in colorful groups.... No caps on the flowers.

He swung between his crutches as he came toward me, and I ran to close the distance separating us.

His crutches slapped the tarmac as we embraced, uur lips met and I cried. “Welcome home, Paul, I love you,” I sobbed.

You used the word crutches twice too close together, sub out one for another word. Also typo "uur" should be "our".

*CheckG* Suggestions:

If you want to continue to work on this story, I would focus on making the characters more three dimensional and well rounded. Take them from the stereotype into becoming individuals. All in all, this was not a bad story. I liked it.



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Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with ♥♥Bear Hugs♥♥  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is a New Horizons School Class Assignment Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and fellow comma sense student. Please take or leave my opinions as you will. I will focus more on punctuation in this review, but I will give a few overall impressions too. Also, you have three chapters listed in this static item. I will be reviewing chapter 1 for the comma sense class assignment.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

Overall, I felt that you had good command over your comma placement. You did a few mistakes here and there, but nothing that a good copy editor would not catch. In fact, I think you are using your commas far more effectively than I am doing myself!

Your problems seem to be more of using run on sentences, being inconsistent with your tense, and doubling words one after another. These are things that you will learn to spot as you gain more practice. I have shown several instances as examples along with the comma corrections that I made.

On the positive side, I loved the rich dialect you gave to the villagers and wished that you had continued it throughout the story. The setting of the story is unusual for a fantasy and makes it more interesting to me as a reader. While the story needs plenty of polish, I feel that it is one that you should continue to work on. I think you'll have quite a tale here once it is finished.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

In the forest kingdom of Ker, where the years are counted not by days or months, [Rule 1] but by the cycle of the seasons, there lives a young boy named Zahilla. Zahilla lives in a small, secluded village just off the main road. It is said to be a day's ride from the Vast Ocean on the boarder of The Dark Forest.

You use the word lives twice too close together. You should switch one to a new word that means something similar. You did the same thing with the boy's name. You should separate the double name to improve the flow of the paragraph. The second sentence was a run on sentence and should be turned into two.

Instead of being offended by his disgust, [Rule #2 - you needed a comma here. You did not have one. ] Zahilla noticed that Mara began to smile. She reached for his face again, and asked, "Show me?"

I changed your comma into a period and broke this run on sentence into two. I would remove the unnecessary word "again" in the second sentence and the comma so that it reads: She reached for his face and asked, "Show me?"

Her voice made him jump, and he ducked, as if her words could harm him.

The first comma is correct, as it sets apart an introductory phrase, but you had unnecessary words and comma afterward. I would condense this sentence as: Her voice made him jump, he ducked as if her words could harm him.

Since he had shrunk in size his clothes no longer fit him, they had fallen around him like a bag for wheat.

This is another run on sentence that I would break in two. Also, you had an Introductory Adverbial Clause (Rule #2) that needed to be offset with a comma. Finally, you had a typo, "for" should have been "of". I would write this as: Since he had shrunk in size, his clothes no longer fit him. They had fallen around him like a bag of wheat.

While Zahilla slept Mr. Nox had also been seeking shelter from the cold rain.

You are missing another rule #2 comma. I would rewrite this as: While Zahilla slept, Mr. Nox had also been seeking shelter from the cold rain.

He found his little tree cave and Zahilla, sleeping naked, in it.

I would not put commas in this sentence. They are two Independent Clauses Joined by Coordinating Conjunctions (rule #1) and do not need a comma. I would write this as: He found his little tree cave and Zahilla sleeping naked in it.

Among the smells of dirt and fear another, very potent smell had made him feel nauseated.

The word another should be associated with the smell, not with the dirt and fear. The comma should come before that word. It is an example of rule #9, an introductory phrase. The description of the smells are non-coordinate adjectives [rule 4] and do not need commas. I would write this sentence as: Among the smells of dirt and fear, another very potent smell had made him feel nauseated.

I wonder what ancestors will take me. Zahilla thought while all of his senses fired at once.

This time, I would put these two sentences together. "Zahilla thought" is a non-essential element and should be offset with commas. I would write this as: I wonder what ancestors will take me, Zahilla thought, while all of his senses fired at once.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


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Review of The Ancient Hills  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

As I read your poem, I was taken by the images of the countryside that make Kentucky unique to the people that live there. I could sense your love of the place and that you wanted to capture the feelings that this place inspired in you.

A nice poem. I liked it.





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Review of The Final Breath  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I found your poem to be quite moving and beautiful. I am not sure if there needs to be any changes to it before being finalized. I loved the first poem in the file. The second one was not as moving to me, perhaps because it was simply rather short.


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Review of Le Ballerina  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

First off...Wow! I am very impressed with your level of writing. I was drawn into this world of an aspiring ballerina and into her diva thought processes and could not turn away. I want to know what happens next to Cataline.

*CheckG* Plot:

I liked the build up of the story. The young ballerina with so much promise, the ego and the hint of regret that already tinges her conscience. This chapter is a great set up to travel to a faraway land, and experiences that most of us do not participate in. I love it.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

The voice of your ballerina comes through loud and clear as the narrator. Her thoughts and observations color the view of this world and draws the reader in. Well done.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

While you did not go into great detail about the dance studio or the hospital, you did not need to. You gave enough information to set the stage and the reader is well able to do the rest. We've all probably stood at dance auditions at some point in our lives, even if we were not ballerinas.

*CheckG* Characters:

You did a great job with Cataline as a character. She is three dimensional. The supporting characters were not as well defined, but they had their stereotypes to help define them enough, and I mean that in a good way. You were effective in using the stereotype without being stilted.

*CheckG* Dialog:

The dialog was natural and helped support the story.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

For the most part, your grammar and spelling looked great. I did catch one typo:

I suppose you want to here of a dramatic trip to the hospital in which the other dancers weep and the judges lament on how I was “simply the best!” (here should be hear)

*CheckG* Suggestions:

No real suggestions. I like your story and would like to read more chapters of it. Keep up the good work!




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Review of When Fate Laughs  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

Overall, I liked the start of this tale. Shane seems to be a likable guy with the usual quirky family around him. The tease of something in the wind to come tickles the mind of the reader and makes me want to move on to the next chapter.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

I felt that you stayed in Shane's POV well. The story is his and we see the world via his eyes. However, you did get to be rambling. I am not sure if this is to emulate his thinking patterns or that you have not edited your sentences enough. I get a vague sense that Shane is physic and if he is, perhaps it could be stated a little more clearly in this chapter. Maybe he actually sees Trent's aura to demonstrate his ability in this regard?

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

I did not get a sense of place other than a typical house and car. You might want to do a little more detail with this.

*CheckG* Characters:

I felt that you had good definition between your major characters and that they were three dimensional. Good job on that.

*CheckG* Dialog:

Your dialog was natural soundings and helped move the plot forward.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

Your grammar and spell checking was good. There were no obvious errors.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

For the most part, I like what you have here. It is a good start to a novel that makes me want to turn the page to find out what happens next. Just a few small tweeks to tighten up the sentence structures and perhaps remove some of the rambling passages here and there is all that is needed.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


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Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I think you are off to a good start in an interesting fantasy tale of good vs. evil. I was drawn in by Emi and by the fight of the two boys. A good way to start any story is with an action scene.

*CheckG* Plot:

You wrote a typical action start of a story where three main characters are introduced. Emi, I assume her future love interest and the antagonist. The mystery was intriguing, the fight was decent and the end of the chapter had a solid resolution.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

The story was from Emi's point of view and you did not stray from that. We see the world via her eyes and views. I was able to get a sense of her as a character that was separate from you the author.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

I think that calling Emi's home as a city is mis-leading. What you describe is more of a small town with vacant lots and countryside. Still, I was able to clearly picture Emi's home, the sky where the battle was fought and the woods where the landing happened.

*CheckG* Characters:

I like what you did with Emi. She seemed to be a unique character in my mind and likable. However, the two boys did not stand out as characters enough. Their actions were the same for the most part, except for one being a winner and the other a loser. They looked much the same physically, except for the horns. While I realize that this is the start of the story and we haven't seen all that much of them as yet, I think you should make more of an attempt to develop the two boys more as individuals with different personalities. More than just that Emi "saw" that the boy was evil, give him more actions that show him to be so. Conversely, give the other boy actions that make us more sympathetic to him.

*CheckG* Dialog:

There was very little dialog in this chapter. In fact, I was waiting for the boys to speak. Unless there is a good reason in your plot that they should not do so, I would have them both say a few things to each other. It would help define their characters more and give a little more detail to the scene.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

While you did not break any rules of grammar in an obvious way, you do need to go through your sentences and tighten them up. For example:

Outside there was only darkness less the light from the crescent moon that hung silently in the sky.

Outside there was only the dim light from the crescent moon. (You don't need to tell us that the moon is silent or hangs in the sky. It is a given.)

She felt like if she moved her hand she could see the air slicing.

As she moved her hand it felt as if she sliced the air. (shorter and to the point)

These are only suggestions to illustrate what I was talking about. You need to go through the entire work and tighten things up. Cut out the obvious. Don't tell the reader what is happening, show what is happening with action. You have a great start on that already!

*CheckG* Suggestions:

You definitely need to do a general tightening of all your sentences to remove observations and make your work more showing the action instead of simply telling it. I would put in a bit more dialog between the two boys once they land to help set them apart more as characters. It doesn't need to be much, your simple dialog style with Emi is good and doing something short like that with the boys would be more than enough.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. I found it interesting and the girl was very likable. Take care.


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Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a WDC Power Reviewers Raid Party Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*CheckG* Overall Impression:

I was intrigued by the mystery of why Kendra was at the fortune teller's place, but as the story unfolded, I lost interest. There was no conflict related to why she was there and nothing was withheld from her in the end. I sort of ended up shrugging and wondering why I had read this story at all. It was very anti-climatic.

*CheckG* Plot:

You started out good with the plot having Kendra arrive at the fortune teller's place without knowing why she was there. The delivery of the tea and the startlement of the cat was good to. What blew it for me was that the fortune teller basically told her that she would get everything she wanted in life and she walks out with her husband without a question in her mind or any mystery in her thoughts.

*CheckG* Style and Voice:

I felt that each of your characters had a strong and distinct voice. Kendra, your narrator came through clearly.

*CheckG* Scene/Setting:

Your scene descriptions were fine. I could see the gypsy's shop to the extent that I needed to for this story to take place.

*CheckG* Characters:

Your three characters were necessary for the tale and you had no more or less than what was needed.

*CheckG* Dialog:

The dialog was fine, although it might have been nice to hear an accent of some kind from the gypsy woman.

*CheckG* Grammar and Mechanics:

Your grammar was fine. I could see no obvious mistakes.

*CheckG* Suggestions:

You need to work on the ending of this tale to make it stronger. How does the gypsy read Kendra's mind? Doesn't she wonder about that? Shouldn't Kendra gain answers that might trouble her, perhaps ones that her husband would not mind to hear as he waits in the back, but something that might set up a minor conflict between them that will need to be resolved later? Also, what was the gift that Kendra gave to her husband?

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.



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