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Review Requests: OFF
376 Public Reviews Given
376 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write long, in-depth reviews. My main focus is on the content of your writing more than on fixing grammar mistakes. I always give my honest opinion, even if I feel your piece needs work. I do not do this to prop up my ego, but to help you as a writer. After all, it is hard to spot what needs more work when we as authors are too close to it. If you do not agree with something that I have said, that is perfectly fine by me and please feel free to disregard my advice. You won't hurt my feelings.
I'm good at...
I'm well read in the classics and in science fiction and fantasy. In these genres I know what has been done to death and what is new and fresh. I feel that I give the best reviews in these genres.
Favorite Genres
Science Fiction, Fantasy, Regency Fiction, Steampunk
Least Favorite Genres
Erotica, Horror
Favorite Item Types
I prefer to review short stories or chapters of novels. I've been known to review all the chapters of a novel for friends.
Least Favorite Item Types
I like poetry, but I do not believe there is much to review about it. It is a very subjective genre and far to personal to review. I also tend to avoid non-fiction.
I will not review...
I prefer to not review Erotica at all. While I do not enjoy reading Horror, I will review it and remain focused on the general writing aspects of your story.
Public Reviews
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76
76
Review of Nuclear Dupe  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will. We are also in the NaNoWriMo class together.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

I confess that I was confused throughout your short story. I understood the sexual tension that the man felt, but not why. I was confused by the clothing of the girl and why she was there, except that she was a student of some kind.

*Check2* Plot:

I think that there was some kind of nuclear disaster at the end of this story, due to the title of the story, but I'm not really sure. I was confused in general about many aspects of this story.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

I like the tone of your writing. The emotions of the two men in the waiting room came in very clearly to me, although I was not certain why they were there, what the building's function was or anything about their world outside.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

Again, I was very confused about where and when this story took place. The clothing that the girl wore suggested that it was the future, but the quoting of commercials in regard to her clothing suggested our current time. Ron and Mark struck me as two current day dudes on their lunch break, although Ron was certainly hard up. I had to wonder how long he had been working in the building. It had a "control room", but what was controlled by this place was not to be determined. There needs to be a bit more stated about the time and place of where this story took place in order to help the reader become established.

*Check2* Characters:

All your characters seemed three dimensional to me. The girl in the silver clothing, the two guys on lunch break and even the girl's father had a good, fleshed out quality about him. It was the details of what they were doing there and why they were there that were lacking. The events that took place did not make much sense to me.

*Check2* Dialog:

I liked your dialog. It flowed naturally from all your characters and the speech from the girl was of a different flavor than the men, which is also good.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

I did not spot any grammar mistakes in your work. You have proofed this well.

*Check2* Suggestions:

You need to work on establishing the location and time better. Why are these two men in that building? What does the building do? Why are they related to whatever happened outside? You mention that Ron can see through clothing? If so, it needs to be established more clearly or removed from the story. The ending was very unclear to me. I really have no idea what happened or why it did. This needs to be explained more fully.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.


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77
77
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

Wow, the action in this prologue didn't stop to give me a breath. It was exciting to read and left me wanting to know more about the characters and what was going to happen to them.

*Check2* Plot:

A baby half-breed human/elf is wanted by some fantasy badguys. His parents fight to save him.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

It was a typical fantasy setting, but your description of the ride Latherine took to get to her home was so realistic that I didn't quite believe that this was a fantasy at first. I liked that about your story. Good details.

*Check2* Characters:

You used small clues to set up that Latherine was an elf and William was human. The shape of their ears, the sound of their names, ect. Well done. It gave good flavor to your story without being overwhelming.

*Check2* Dialog:

Good strong dialog. Perfectly in keeping with the setting and characters you have created.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

I did not spot any obvious grammar errors in this prologue.

*Check2* Suggestions:

No real suggestions at all. I really loved this piece! It could stand as is without a problem.

Take care.


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78
Review of In The Balance  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
This piece is so short that I don't know if I'm going to pull up my usual review form for it. The moment that you described did hold a powerful idea, the act of changing time so that everything is effected and how that feels. This is a powerful emotion that you could easily mold an entire story around if you choose to. It wouldn't need to be a fanfiction either. I hope you'll think about that.


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79
79
Review of Moments  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

I sort of blinked when I first read this story. It could be the rape and murder of a woman...or simply a man lighting up a joint and finishing it before moving on to the next bar. Interesting double play.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

I liked the voice of your narrator. He was gritty and dirty, from the poor side of town.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

The setting of an alley somewhere in a city fit the mood of the piece well.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

I could see no grammar errors. You have proofed this well.

*Check2* Suggestions:

I can't say that I have any suggestions for you. I liked your story, it was interesting and made me think for a few moments.

Take care.


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80
80
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

I found your tale about the magic violin to be quite delightful. Little Angelo truly is a tiny angel.

*Check2* Plot:

The plot was simple enough. A young boy is curious about his deceased father and is worried when his mother becomes sick. In a magical way, he discovers music and steps into his father's shoes.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

You story is being told, rather like a fairytale and little is being shown. While I like the narrative, it would have been nice to be more in Angelo's shoes than viewing him from a distance.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

I liked the setting you choose. It helped to carry the scenes forward in a positive way. Sort of felt like something out of dicken's.

*Check2* Characters:

Angelo is well developed and three dimensional. However, his mother was more of a stereotype. Perhaps it was your goal to have her viewed as a child would see her? That was sort of how I felt about her. She was "mother" and not a separate person.

*Check2* Dialog:

I like little Angelo, but it would have been good to hear him say something other than he looked like his father. Once or twice would be okay, but you had it as a running theme throughout the story and it got a little old.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

I did not spot any obvious grammar errors. You have proofed this well.

*Check2* Suggestions:

I liked your story. About the only thing that I would change if you are going to work on this again is to have Angelo remark or hear something other than "you look like your father" all the time.

Happy Account Birthday!!!! Take care.


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81
81
Review of Child of Frigg  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a member to member review of the Green Dragon Inn Group. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

I enjoyed your tale of Sweden and of magic. The two lovers, lost to each other due to time and age. I find that I want to know what will happen to Gunnar and Inga and how and if they will meet again.

*Check2* Plot:

The plot is moving at a smooth and even pace. There is not much action, but you are building the two main characters up in an interesting way by telling part of their backstory.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

This is a nordic tale, set in the age old time of the vikings and featuring their pantheon of gods. Its been awhile since I've read a story in this setting, so finding your story was a delightful surprise.

*Check2* Characters:

I find that your viking warrior seems true to type for his time. Inga seems a bit more modern in temperament to me, but since she is a mage or demi-goddess, that seems to be more acceptable. You would not expect such a character to be typical of how women were of that time.

*Check2* Dialog:

The dialog was somewhat lacking and I think is the one improvement you might want to consider in a re-write of this chapter. It seems very short and doesn't say much.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

You have proofed your work well. I did not spot any obvious grammar errors.

*Check2* Suggestions:

I'd spiff up your dialog a bit more, perhaps make it more archaic? The content of the story, the characters and their development seem pretty good.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.

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82
82
Review of The Opal Isle  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a member to member review of the Green Dragon Inn Group. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

I liked your story a great deal. The young lad longing for adventure. The elderly mentor teaching him the ropes. The vast army that approaches and the touch of magic at the end. All a good start for an epic fantasy tale.

*Check2* Plot:

Your plot had good flow and I found that I was held by it well.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

Your setting was described well. I felt that I could see the various places the young soldier visited along with him.

*Check2* Dialog:

The dialog flowed well and it sounded natural.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

During the sword battle at the beginning, you used the term "their" instead of "him" a few times. Their is plural and him is singular. You need to change that and make it correct.

*Check2* Suggestions:

Except for a few very minor grammar errors I liked your story as is. I don't really have any suggestions for you at this time.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.

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83
83
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a WDC Power Reviewer Review. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

Wow, this was a wild ride, pun intended. :) I found myself being caught up in this desert world of unusual magic and racing snakes. In answer to your question, YES, I would continue reading.

*Check2* Plot:

The story started small and was a little bit slow as "Jaimen" got the job as a jockey, but once the race began the action carried forward well and was sprinkled with references to the magic system. None of it was confusing although the names were certainly different and unfamiliar. However, that was not a detraction for me.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

Your desert city reminds me of settings typical from the arabian nights, full of dust, sun and mystery. I liked the touch of unfamiliar fruits and the metallic bonded animals.

*Check2* Characters:

Aounk/Jaimen is a bit of a mystery, but it seems fitting given the arabian nights setting. It is the old vehicle of a girl dressed up as a boy to protect herself, but other than that she seemed fresh and alive to me.

Bindi the snake is delightful as he curls around Aounk and chats with her. He gives you a way to move the story with dialog without Aounk having to give herself away.

*Check2* Dialog:

I liked the interplay between Aounk and Bindi the snake. It reminded me a little of Anne McCaffery's Dragon/Rider bond conversations. Although your snake has a much more wry sense of humor.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

You have proofed this well. I did not see any obvious grammar errors and the sentences flowed smoothly.

*Check2* Suggestions:

No real suggestions for you. I think you are on the right track with this one. If you set up a mailing list to let readers know when another chapter is available, please add me onto it. I'd like to see more.

Take care.


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84
84
Review of Inspiration  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I always like poems that speak about creativity, which is why I wanted to take a look at this one. I thought your meter was good and the metaphors for creativity and writing were good. I did not care for the rhymes for some reason. They seemed to detract from the subject, as if using them limited your expression of creativity. However, this is probably a personal thing on my part. I'm not sure if you should adjust anything based on this opinion.
85
85
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is a member to member review of the Green Dragon Inn Group. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

A boy dreams of being a knight in shining armor and doing daring deeds.

*Check2* Plot:

A boy dreams of being a knight. He goes on a quest and rescues a fair princess. But in the end, was it all a dream?

*Check2* Style and Voice:

This story was told, for the most part, not shown. I as a reader was kept at a distance the entire time. I never felt what the boy did and thus did not care as much about him and his quest as I might had had I been shown the story. The plot itself was cute and I liked the twist at the end.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

A typical fantasy castle, all dark and gloomy.

*Check2* Characters:

Felix the youth who would be a knight
Eli the damsel in distress
A fluffy bunny

*Check2* Dialog:

The dialog was not all that natural, more like something out of a children's storybook of how they thought speech should be. I also thought the girl cried for all the wrong reasons...but then again, sometimes girls just cry. :)

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

You tended to use many cliques in your writing. You should try and use more original phrases.

*Check2* Suggestions:

Mainly, you need to show the action instead of telling it as a story. Your plot was fine and the characters, while not well developed, were okay. You just need to work on the details and try to show more action.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.

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86
86
Review of What it Hides  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a member to member review of the Green Dragon Inn Group. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

I loved the detailed descriptions in your writing. The girl, the town and the man seemed to spring from the page.

*Check2* Plot:

A girl delivers a package to a man in a destroyed town.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

Your tone conveys the darkness of the setting and the descriptions are very detailed. Excellent work.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

A fantasy village.

*Check2* Characters:

Roza and the old, dying man.

*Check2* Dialog:

Your dialog was natural and seemed right on target. A little modern in tone, but not out of keeping with a fantasy story.


*Check2* Suggestions:

The plot was very typical of a fantasy story, nothing all that original. I realize that this was a result of the story contest here on TGDI, but all that wonderful description and character development should be rewarded with a bit more of a plot. Otherwise, I felt that this was a good piece of work.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.

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87
87
Review of LOTS OF WORDS  Open in new Window.
for entry "8.16.11 Limitations" Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
I am a terrible poet. Always have been. Always will be. This is why I enjoyed reading your blog entry about writing poetry. The analogy of the piano player comes home to me since I have played the piano in the past and there were times when I would simply hit the keys to allow whatever music was within me flow out...until one of my parents forced me to stop "the noise". Knowing our limitations is indeed a good start to writing. Now...if only I could handle poetry. :)
88
88
Review of My reply.  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a bit too negative for me to enjoy, however I do understand the emotions that were behind it. At first I thought you were speaking about writing, after all this is a writing website, then I realized that you were writing about the ending of a relationship. Still, even though it was not my cup of tea, I thought it was a decent poem.

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89
89
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A thoughtful poem. I liked it. :)
90
90
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Unratable.)
I found your story on the main reading hub of WDC. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

I like western movies in general, so I would say that I would be favorable toward a western style story of this sort. You have all the traditional elements of a western, from the sheriff, the drifter who comes into town, the gang of outlaws/bad guys coming into town to cause trouble. So far, so good. :)

*Check2* Plot:

A man named Diamond comes into town looking for the sheriff. A posse of bad guys is coming into town to make trouble.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

You have a laid back tone in your narrative voice that seems suitable for a western story. I felt that you had a bit too much detail and the story tended to drag at times.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

A town in the old west, Grant City.

*Check2* Characters:

David Diamond - an Irishman and newcomer to the town.
Joshua Langsdon - stationmaster
Roscoe James - Sheriff of Grant City
Thompson - Deputy of Grant City


*Check2* Dialog:

You dialog was fine, but a bit stiff at times. I did like the interaction between Diamond and Sheriff James, but his dialog with the stationmaster was a bit ponderous. I almost wonder if you should shorten that section significantly or cut it out altogether. If you did, it would help with the pacing of the story.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

Many of your sentences seemed overly long. It slowed down the pacing of the story. While you had great detail, sometimes you added in things that were not needed for the story to progress and it got in the way of the flow. The title Marshall should always be capitalized. Sometimes you did not do this.

*Check2* Suggestions:

I would concentrate on working on the flow of the story. I would shorten the arrival of Diamond into town and his interaction with the stationmaster since this had little to do with the actual story. I liked the section where he meets the sheriff in the jail and then they go into town along with the deputy. The fight scene was a bit short and lacking in detail compared with other parts of the story. You need to flesh it out more.

I'd like to see more about the attraction between Diamond and the girl and more about his background. He is an Irishman from Dublin, but I didn't hear a brogue in his dialog. That would go a long way in adding to the atmosphere of your piece if you worked something like that in.

Try and think of an angle that would help to make your story more unique. Right now, it is a typical plot from a thousand westerns. That is not a bad thing, but by picking a theme or an idea to convey in the sub-context of your story, it would go a long way in making your story more memorable. For instance, remember the movie "High Noon"? It also had a typical western plot similar to yours, but what makes it a classic that is remembered more than 50 years after its making is the plot of the unappreciated sheriff who still does his duty and the incredible filmmaking style that was far ahead of its time. It told of ideas that were modern, but conveyed in the old fashioned setting and thus, made the story itself more relevant to its audience. Now, you don't need to copy "High Noon", but you can use this simple idea to infuse your story with more depth.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. I think that you have a good start here and it would be worth your time to do a few more revisions and develop more of the subplots. Take care.
91
91
Review of The Journey  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found your story on the main reading hub page. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

Normally, when I read a story here on WDC, I get right to the review and complete it quickly. Not so with your story. I needed to stop and think about all the implications that you were conveying. Was this a story about a shipwreck and a hole in time? A story about alien abduction? A parable about faith? It could be any of these things. I could not decide if you meant this to be a happy or sad ending either. You leave that up to me as the reader. That takes courage and skill. I liked that about your work.

*Check2* Plot:

A man is shipwrecked on a beautiful island. He and others are offered a chance to escape and take it.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

Your style of writing was quiet and thought provoking. You leave decisions as to what is happening to the reader.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

Two tropic islands and the ocean.

*Check2* Characters:

The narrator - I assumed that this was a man, but it is not stated in the story.
Samantha - a woman who questions what is going on and has doubts.

*Check2* Dialog:

There was no dialog in the story, but I did not feel any lack for that.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

I did not see any obvious grammar errors. The story read well and had great pacing and flow.

*Check2* Suggestions:

I don't believe that I have any suggestions for improvement. Your story stands very well as is. If it has not been published, I believe that it is ready for submittable.

This was a great story. I enjoyed reading it. Take care.
92
92
Review of Kite Tails  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found your story on the main hub page of WDC. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

When I first started to read you story, I sort of blinked. Something was not quite right. As I continued to read about this man that threw his life away in the search for the perfect tail for his kite, I realized that this was not a story about kites at all. Nice twist at the end.

*Check2* Plot:

A man searches for the perfect tail for his kite.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

I liked the voice you gave the narrator of this tale. He honestly has no clue what is wrong within him as he continues on quest, almost like Don Quixote tilting at windmills, but much sadder.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

A small town in Washington State.

*Check2* Characters:

A man. He name is not stated.


*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

Your grammar seems fine. No obvious errors.

*Check2* Suggestions:

Some of your ideas were repeated. In such a short story that stands out. You need to go over this once more and make sure that you do not repeat any details of the man's past life. It was not a glaring thing, but enough that it was noticeable.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.
93
93
Review of Sweet Dreams  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
I found your story on the main hub page of WDC. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

You have plenty of strong imagery at the beginning of your work and then step away to tell the reader the moral of the story. I was a little confused by the point of the imagery and what was going on. Then I was confused by the moral. The link between the two was not strong in my mind.

*Check2* Plot:

A man has a dream and from it, discovers what hell might actually be.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

You told about the dream. I was not taken there to experience it along with you. Then you told me a moral to draw from the dream, but again you told it and did not show it.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

A dream-scape of a frozen lake and then the imagining of what heaven/hell might be like. I never knew where the main character was in time or space.

*Check2* Characters:

A man named Rong.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

"I believe that coming before the Judgment Throne of God, we will all be allotted the opportunity to not just see but know who are Creator truly is." ARE should be OUR.

Many of your sentences were overly long. You might need to go over them and split them up to shorten them.

*Check2* Suggestions:

I would try and find a way to bring the reader more into the dream. You had lots of good imagery, but it did not go anywhere other than the simple feeling of terror. Some of it was rather repetitive. I was not able to make the necessary connection to join Rong in his nightmare to effect me. Nor was the moral convincing. It seemed to be a fable as much as the dream. I left it feeling unconvinced.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. As in all things, quality takes time and effort. I wish you well with your project. Take care. :)
94
94
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
I found your story on the WDC hub. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

A nice fishing yarn as you might hear back in the pub after a long day out at sea.

*Check2* Plot:

A man and his buddy are out deep sea fishing in a boat. They run out of fuel. Slowly they drift back to shore and are saved by the sea.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

The voice is that of a narrator, the man who owns the boat. He sounds laid back. A good ol' boy.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

Out at sea, in the gulf of Mexico.

*Check2* Characters:

Brian - owner of the boat
Pete - a fishing buddy

*Check2* Dialog:

There was not much dialog in the story. It was mainly told from the point of view of the narrator. There was nothing special about the dialog, but it did not seem out of place for the story. More like how you might relate what was said when retelling the story back in the pub.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

I did not see any obvious errors in your grammar or mechanics.

*Check2* Suggestions:

I would have rather not been told the story, but instead been able to relive it with the narrator. To see the fog and the waves. To know more about how both men felt as they endangered their lives. Right now, the story is still at a distance from me as the reader. It is a nice yarn like this, but it could have much more dimension to it if you showed the action instead of told me about it.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. It is a good fishing tale. Take care.
95
95
Review of Trick or Tweet  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found your story on the margin of the WDC main page. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

This was a classic style science fiction story that is relevant to today's use of technology. It touched on our use of social media and terrorism. Then expanded the concept to a frightening conclusion.

*Check2* Plot:

A man writes down his life's story as waits to die. It outlines how man's reliance on technology has killed us all.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

The tone of this story was excellent. Matter of fact and bittersweet. Just what you might expect a man to say during his last moments once he has accepted his own death.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

A typical suburb in America.

*Check2* Characters:

John Carter
Caroyln Carter
Their children
misc neighbors

*Check2* Dialog:

I felt that your dialog was natural. I liked how you used our present day social media, such as facebook, twitter and linkedin to establish the reality of the story before you later expanded into the new technology that you created. It helped to make the new terms more acceptable to me as a reader.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

I did not spot any obvious mechanical or grammatical errors.

*Check2* Suggestions:

I have no real suggestions for you. I enjoyed this story as is.
96
96
Review of The Sound  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I found your story on the margin of the website. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

I haven't laughed so hard over a short story in awhile. The progression of one disaster after another as this young man tried to discover the noise that was bothering him was hilarious.

*Check2* Plot:

A young college graduate moves into his first apartment. A noise bothers him. He investigates where the noise is coming from. One incident after another begins to happen to him, snowballing into a personal disaster.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

Your voice was very matter of fact as you described what happened to this young man, but that tone helped to create the comedy of his situation.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

In and around the new apartment of a young college graduate.

*Check2* Characters:

Fred Ryan - Young college graduate
Ms. Taylor - The apartment complex manager
Jim - The maintenance man

*Check2* Dialog:

I loved the dialog. It was very natural.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

I did not see any obvious grammar or mechanic errors.

*Check2* Suggestions:

No suggestions. This story was a real hoot and I hope that you publish it. :)
97
97
Review of Grim Dragoneye  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I found your story on the HGDI group dropbox where we are both members. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you will. Nothing that I say is meant to be personal. My goal is to help you be a better writer.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

The concept of the story is intriguing. It could be the start of an interesting horror/fantasy story with the birth of a demon child.

*Check2* Plot:

A baby is born with a massive defect that might be the work of the devil. Its mother dies in childbirth and the father abandons them both. A priest and a tradesman come and the tradesman takes the baby.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

A village named Grace. It seems a typical medieval fantasy setting.

*Check2* Characters:

Father Robert - a monk
Thomas - the father of the child
Bartholomew - a tradesman
Helen - the midwife
Monster Baby

*Check2* Dialog:

Your dialog was the best part of the story. It seemed natural and flowed well.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

There were no obvious grammar or spelling errors.

I had a very difficult time following your story and ended up having to read it three times in order to understand who was what and what they were doing. This is due to the lack of details in your descriptions. You give the people a name, but don't always describe who or what they are in relation to the other characters right away. I wasn't sure if Helen was the mother or the mid-wife? If the baby was to go to Bartholomew or Father Robert? If Thomas was a child or a man? There were not enough clues in your writing to allow me to understand these details and if I was not reviewing this story, I would have stopped reading it because of this confusion.

*Check2* Suggestions:

I would work on the mechanics of your story. Make sure that you are a bit more descriptive of who your characters are in relation to each other and why and what they are doing. I would suggest writing character sketches of each one of them to help you visual them and their backgrounds better. You might want to do the same for the town. There was nothing unique about it to set it up as a place in the mind of a reader. I would also suggest that when you first introduce a character, make a point to state something about how this character relates to other characters in the story. Don't wait for a paragraph or two to go by before you do so.

I also wondered if it was necessary to give the child only one eye? If it was perfect in every other way, why did it kill its mother? That was not explained.

I realize that this is a first draft and simply an idea for a story, so it obviously is not complete. There are elements that are worth salvaging if you decide to go forward with it, but it will need a great deal of work. It should prove to be a dark tale indeed.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.
98
98
Review of Jayda's Honor  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found your story on the TDGI dropbox where we are both members. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions of your story as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

While the story was a bit slow to start, it gained pace toward the end and had a good payoff. I found that I started to care what happened to Jayda and to root for her in her fight.

*Check2* Plot:

A young girl is orphaned in a primitive tribe. To provide for herself, she challenges one of the warriors to gain her honor and a place of respect in the tribe.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

The story is told from Jayda's perspective. At times you slipped in modern day slang that I felt took away from the story, but overall the use of this did not ruin the story.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

The story takes place in a primitive tribe somewhere lost in time.

*Check2* Characters:

Jayda - the orphan girl
Krom - the cruel warrior
Priestess Aylin - Wise woman of the tribe and Krom's mother?

*Check2* Dialog:

The dialog was a bit too modern for the setting, but it wasn't hard to follow and fit the circumstances well.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

priestess Aylin should have been: Priestess Aylin.

Use of the word ragamuffin seems out of place for the story's setting.

"The totemic leather marked him as a Kordari tribesman from one of the seventeen tribes known far and wide for their prowess as warriors and hunters both." is very long and awkward. Consider breaking it up and simplifying it.

*Check2* Suggestions:

I feel you are off to a good start with your story. Reminds me a bit of Ayla from Clan of the Cave Bear.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. You do have talent as a writer. :) Take care.
99
99
Review of The Deceiver  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with TGDI Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I found your story on the TGDI dropbox. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my opinions as you would.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

This is a long tale and is told by a narrator. Who that narrator is and why he or she is connected to this story is not explained. I felt that the story was a little long to be strictly narrative.

*Check2* Plot:

This is a creation story of how a world was created by five lesser gods and then populated with elves and dwarves. Humans are to come later, but don't factor into this part of the story.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

As a narration, it is fine. You get the points of the tale across in a meaningful way, however the story is running long. Most oral tradition stories are much shorter. As the story went on, I found myself longing for the story to become more personal and closer to the various characters.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

It takes place upon a world with no name. An elven city is built and a dwarven stronghold is created. There also are dragons afoot.

*Check2* Characters:

Heran - Father of the gods
Meurta - Heran's daughter. Godess of the earth and dark places.
Fena - goddess of the forest
Olead - God of the sea
Lerov - God of the earth
Synog - God of the air

*Check2* Dialog:

There is little dialog. What little there is does not sound like gods and goddess, they sound like the narrator simulating what he thinks the gods must have said. There is a distance.

*Check2* Grammar and Mechanics:

I did see several grammar errors throughout the piece. You will need to re-read to spot them. They were not mis-spelled, so they might not show up on an average grammar/spell check.

*Check2* Suggestions:

I would like to know who the narrator is and how he is connected to the story. I'd like to know why the story is being told and to whom. Why is this story relevant to me, the reader? Is the narrator a human explaining to children about elves and dwarves and their instinct to do battle? Is it a cautionary tale about not angering the gods? I would also like to see more follow through with your characters. Heran creates the gods to create the world and then has a fight with his daughter, but then he disappears. You did not do much story wise with Fena, Olead, Lerov and Synog. I'd like to see more interaction with those gods early on. What effect they had on the elves and dwarves and how they felt about the fighting between the two races. What politics developed among the gods due to Meurta's meddling?

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. I think that you are off to a good start. Take care.
100
100
Review of Dilation  Open in new Window.
Review by Uncommonspirit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I found your story while browsing the fantasy listings. I am not a professional copy editor. These are my opinions as a writer, reader, and lover of words. Please take or leave my review as you will.

*Check2* Overall Impression:

I love time travel stories, so I was intrigued by the concept of your short story. As I read it, I was a little disappointed. The discovery of the time traveler was interesting and yet it made no impact on him, the society he came from or the one he visited.

*Check2* Plot:

Time traveler grows curious about the building he is in. He travels back in time to see its history. He discovers that Cambridge University was built by tentacled aliens. He returns home.

*Check2* Style and Voice:

Your writing style is casual and I had no trouble following it along.

*Check2* Scene/Setting:

Setting was Cambridge University.

*Check2* Characters:

Time Traveler
Alien Being
Alien Monks

*Check2* Dialog:

There was little dialog, but what I read seemed to fit the characters and the situation.


*Check2* Suggestions:

You need to have the trip that the time travel made have some impact either on him personally or on his society. Something that makes his journey worthwhile.

I hope you'll continue to work on your story. Take care.
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