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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/walkinbird
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Public Reviews
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Review by Walkinbird
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is intriguing, and the use of life energy, crystals and circuitry along with a world dynamic that casts creatures' fate for/against the wishes of their gods -- ambitious. Not clear to me yet from this prologue if the gods are active participants, or subconsciously the motivators of your characters' actions.

I am struggling slightly with suspension of disbelief that multiple cities have been excavated and are flying within only two years time -- maybe I do not understand this planet's time reckoning, or the efficiency or scope of the crews accomplishing this. From the descriptions given, I would think just excavation would take twice this time.

I proofread just one possible error. In an early paragraph when Chorlan and Talak are first speaking, there is a sentence that ends, "as quickly." I think instead it is meant to be just "quickly" or "as quickly as possible."


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.5)
Welcome to Writing.com -- your first day here! May it be the first of many, and I wish for you many good friends as well.

I have read both of your items and decided to review this one. Reading and reviewing what you find here is just as important, maybe even more important, than waiting to find out what others think of what you place in your own portfolio.

I looked up the form of the poem, since you mentioned the Pantoum was a specific type you like. I prefer the longer form, Villanesque. But that doesn't mean I have an encyclopaedic knowledge of all the possible poetic forms. I understand the appeal of the cadence. The repeating of lines helps communicate a theme. This poem shares your personal desires to communicate, and build on that communication to gain a type of freedom.

The reason I think you could attempt the longer form (maybe as a second version) is to let your what your thoughts are leading to be more fully expressed. It is hard for a reader to read a line about sharing secrets, but not have any more poem given to delve into that. A longer poem could have the advantage of being a bit freeform, or stay with the pattern of swapping 1st and 3rd lines into the next stanza's 2nd and 4th.

If you were trying to italicize (I see an end phrase of code for italics at the very end) then you need to add the in front of the word you wanted to make in italics.

"Problems blowing up left and right" works the best in my opinion with your repeated line, "Distractions are my priority." Maybe you could think about that cage line in the first stanza -- could the jail break also be accomplished by explosion? Will an explosion of creativity be the way out?

Cheers!

Walkinbird

Invalid Item 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
3
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Review of The Good Shepherd  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
You requested reviews for your superhero fantasy short story, The Good Shepherd. I understand that you are starting mid-action, but I believe a short amount of context description to start will establish some important points. The one's I could've used-- That Thomas was flying, (over Earth), in pursuit, going to get flowers for his girlfriend...something. Something, almost anything to establish the setting. Despite the rating of the piece, I was surprised to have a a good guy use a word like "bastard." Maybe I'm just sensitive from being more of a Spidey and Superman kind of life-long comic book reader? And his girl also calls the villain an "asshole" (albeit, in his mind, so was it really her or was it him?). I have a lot more tolerance for that in a character that is an everyman JUST turned super. Much like Bruce Willis' guy in Unbreakable. He still acts normal due to having few experiences/public interactions to change his habits. Yet with as much of an established presence as a super that has a suit with a cape...I'm skeptical.

Same type of concerns with the ultimate fate of the girlfriend.

Your language usage and grammar is accurate. I feel your dialogue is tight. I do also feel there can be more description rather than using dialog to establish everything. Main difference between writing it as a script, and writing it as a story. As an example: “I knew where you’d be when faced with this choice.” -- that doesn't really fit with what you described as the requirements of the powers... instead it seems more likely the villain would've lured the hero to a large open space near a forest to have him far from people. While the situation shows that, you have the villain tell him something different, and essentially useless. The villain should be getting under the hero's skin for falling for the trick, not just, **poof** I am here and you are powerless because I had an eye on your power source's fuel gauge.

Overall, strong presentation and impact of the story, just more needs to be built up around it.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
4
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Review of She Could Fly  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is very lyrical, and the sound of its rhythm is pleasant. There is good symmetry. I can see all the visual aspects of it as well as imagine it being spoken aloud on stage, perhaps even shouted at points. "playing the sky like a harp" is my favorite line. It is much stronger than the lines in the same position in the other stanzas -- I say that because I feel those other lines are timeworn.

When posting, you may have inadvertently allowed a misspelling (on line 4) the word "soaring."

Thank you for posting this poem.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
5
5
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*
and me: Walkinbird

I can visualize from your description how a special someone would be able to shelter one from cold, and how enduring the memory of such an embrace would be. So, my favorite stanza of this poem is that description which begins, And I can remember.... By referencing the unicorn and the rainbow both at the beginning and at the end, it also connects to the symbol of strength and protection in heraldry, not just a lighthearted fairytale image. I also like the rhythm of the poem, especially where the beat count is repetitive.

Thank you for your writing.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
An swift period drama set in the virtual locale we call WDC. MysteryWoman2018 is the protagonist, and typical of a ghost story, the antagonist is unknown or indistinct. My goal to be helpful for polishing the piece. I am a proofreader first, so let's look at clarity and style. I found a few typos, just missing letters from typing errors, skipped words, or misplaced caps, as I see... An early example: "She smiled as _he started looking around at her fellow WDCers." I noticed that a choice seems to have been made for every character/username: the name is without spacing. "The Mystic Warrior" appears once, but seems to be the only username that has spaces. For continuity, the author may want to change that one to follow the style of the others. I do think highlighting the Birthday week as a function of the story structure is clever, but I also think it is under utilized for the length of story the piece is currently. Maybe the author plans on fleshing it out with more comings and goings? There is a point moving to day four, when it is flowing directly from one moment to the next, yet all the other instances hint at passage of a greater amount of time. On the smart side, the action runs like a scripted TV drama, so nothing extraneous slows the action. Yet, the question remains, is this best as a short situation piece, or could it develop into something more haunting and in depth with more description and character development?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Welcome to Writing.com Weird Uncle Mick !

Fun introduction -- could be voiced by the movie trailer guy, am I right? You have a talent for succinct yet idiosyncratic situation description. And urban fantasy, well... of course, all the rage. Maybe a first in literature with the cel phone possessed. You might want to get just a bit more pithy in the last line, so it hooks stronger than just, the most evil anything. Give that monster a job description as well.

Points for using "Lovecraftian"

Cheers!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (5.0)
A not particularly random donation, but certainly for a great cause and given with kindness. True thanks due to Samberine Everose and The Hunter Games gameboard challenge
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a review in celebration of your membership anniversary.

I have selected to review your non-fiction piece, an article, about the encompassing development of what we now celebrate in America as the Thanksgiving holiday.

I found no grammatical errors or any further structural points to improve upon, therefore, I will speak on my enjoyment of the whole.

I appreciate that your article addresses early civilizations' founding and practice of sharing gratitude through group fellowship which would make the foundation in all of human experience for the development and acceptance of Thanksgiving as an American national holiday. Of course that progressive action also is the foundation for other nation's and religion's similar observances.

It is a fact-filled piece. Always a delight to discover one or more additional details a reader may not have previously know in the reading of a topical article. Another excellent point equates the growth of colonist population for the strife that would follow. In need of a symbol of hope and finding ways to pull together family members at the cusp of America's Civil War. it is not surprising that President Lincoln was convinced to establish the national holiday. I would be interesting to know how or if the editor, Ms. Buell Hale received future acknowledment for her part?

If you still have a strong interest in perspectives on the Thanksgiving holiday, I have a poem in my portfolio you may not have seen:
The Plymouth People  (E)
Thanksgiving contest entry First Thanksgiving open-minded perspective
#908176 by Walkinbird


Cheers!
Walkinbird

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh how I wish this piece were expanded. This would be very good as a lead in to a whole story or novel. I found this piece from your WDC portfolio in your collection said to have been created in Alaska. And I would have to research to know more, but I intuit that a gum tree is a tropical tree...so it also leads me to wonder where the images of tropical trees come to an author looking out a window on Alaska?*Smile* You see how I see more potential for this?

Its free-form format makes it folksy and believable as the way a parent might start a bedtime story. For myself, this would become top-shelf with two alterations. I would stick to one phrasing for describing the preferred wish-giving tree rather than two (although it is just the difference of the title): Sweet Gummy, sweet-gum, (I prefer sweet-gum). And it could also become precious with some form of rhyme scheme. I am immediately attracted to the rhthm in the first two lines: (3-4-5) da-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da, and it would be lovely to feel that beat throughout the remainder. This is just my own preference, and I do not mean to diminsh your own creative presentation.

My favorite idea presented in the poem is how a wish (buried) "too deep, (is) hard to understand." Seems to me an excellent allgory for any writer. How easy it is to hide (bury) meaning.

I am appreciate of your work on this, and I look forward to searching through more of your pieces.

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I read this piece several times to allow it to express its depth of meaning. What stands out for me are the first two stanzas and the very last. Those parts are the most satisfying to the ear, as I like to read most poems aloud. The strongest section of collected phrases, for me, in their sound was this part:

...voluptuously rolled,
Rapt themselves encoiled
Writhing round desire's fold
Watering its fecund fate


A small bit of phrasing did not flow well for me, but I admit this could be an "across the pond" language difference. This: She filled out / Into is awkward to me, yet it clearly is a balance to the phrase about the man who dried out / Into (a pile of rocks). Because I cannot conceptualize what "filling out into" (desert grass) looks like, I have a problem. What I can imagine, is how some blob of cotton or animal fur can be tossed about in a desert and get strung out across a wide spread of spiky or thorny weeds. Unsure if this equates to your intended vision?

Few have the ability to use a short, choppy rhythm to best effect -- yet, the poem concludes well with this form.

The rhythm and imagery is enough to make this poem enjoyable, but I was left pondering how you might have meant it to be a parable, as its title suggests. It might be straight-forward religious, as in the immorality of their public sex life leading one to the thought, "the wages of sin is death." But I sense it has more to do with ego and vanity based on your word choices.

The poem does not have to convince me it is a parable to work well as a poem, but on one level everyone has discontent and dies, so I can see the imagery of that and still have the connection I desire as a reader.

I hope my review is of help to you, dear author. And thank you for being part of WDC!

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Technology  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (3.0)
I read this as an argumentative essay – if it is for an assignment, it sounds like you agree that technology has too much power over daily life activities. Good, catchy start, but I could suggest that you state your overall opinion that will be presented in the essay in a first sentence, to go ahead of the one you have written. And then, at the end, I think you need to develop a longer, or more complete ending than just: "That's why humans have been really dependent on technology." [Maybe a reworked form of this sentence needs to be that first sentence which I suggest is needed, putting forward your overall position?]

I like this first sentence from your third paragraph: "It's true that technology was created to benefit us and make our life easier but there's a difference between helping us and taking over our lives." You leave an argument hanging here: "We must be prepared for what comes after the age of technology." Give some description of what comes after this age…. As a reader, the suggestion I can give would be to give some positive alternatives for how technology could be used better. The idea that kids do not use a dictionary because of Google ignores the fact that a student can use an available variety of web-based dictionaries, as well as, translation services. Students (everyone) can become better users of technology by being discerning (a good word to look up in a dictionary).

At Writing dot com, you will learn there are ways to format using a coding called Writing ML (like formatting a web page’s look with HTML) Even just the space between paragraphs would be of help to a reader. You have some near-words in a few places that should be corrected: in the fourth and sixth paragraph you have “there," which should be changed to “their,” and in the fifth paragraph the word “fine” needs to be “find.” Correct this abbreviation: instead of ECT. (does not need to be in all caps and letters transposed), replace with: “etc.”

I hope you have found this first review of help to you. As we try our best to be helpful neighbors as members of this site, I hope your enjoyment of writing and reading continues to grow over the Summer.

Cheers!
Walkinbird


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a thought-provoking rumination and stream-of-consciousness recollection of how the processing of photographs made them more valuable in family dynamics. No mention of the 12, 24, or at most, 36 frames one might have available on that one roll of film. It would make stronger your contention that it's bad that today's cel phone photographers shoot "dozens and dozens of pictures." One typo I noticed: should be a film roll rather than "role."

What I would love to see, Harry, is if a younger member of the WDC community wrote a bookend companion to your free-form poem with a perception of the value of photographs from someone who has the Tech Age experience as his or her only experience. Wouldn't that be interesting.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Paranoia  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This poem uses few words to fully embody a snapshot moment of murderous paranoia. I can appreciate the raw imagery; by keeping the lines short, the picture is stark, but has clarity of action that doesn't get lost in metaphor.

The rhythm might be improved by being selective in the number of syllables and stresses in the words used. Yet there is no denying that it has strong presentation as is.

I hope this review is helpful to you.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi!

Your title is most inviting to the reader. You asked for some honest reflection on your trying a "love poem," something you do not usually try. In structure, I think it is very good. To give a more deeply felt experience, I suggest a few changes in word choice where more visual, or active words could be used. As an example, "my person," does not make me think of a lover, it comes off distant -- and first made me think of how a pet (a cat) might speak of their "person."

An awkward/antiquated word like, "thus" used in the phrase: "thus is my crutch" also should be avoided. I can offer this advice because when I was working on my poetic voice, I often would use older, romance era terms, and that made my poetry and prose more difficult for modern readers. It takes time to express in a way that communicates best to a readership.

I hope my points have been helpful.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of N. B.  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a reassuring poem to help everyone enter into a discussion about non-binary gender expression. I recognize the feelings and the buzz words. As the topic is so very important to so many trying to express themselves authentically, I believe it is perfect for it to blossom in artistic expression here.

The structure of the poem is rhythmically sound, (although I personally would trim down the metrical feet in the last line of stanza four). I especially like the final stanza, as it addresses the reader directly and in a mentoring compassionate way.

Cheers!
Walkinbird


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Walkinbird
In affiliation with I Write  
Rated: E | (3.5)
It's long since I watched any Avatar, so I vaguely remember accurate drama between characters in the series. Did he not admire Katara? I sense that is the reason for this -- to give some depth to what he may have felt, even if the series creators did not explore the possibility.

When he closes his eyes and she escapes/is rescued, I guess... that was a bit abrupt that "Minutes later they met up again." With three remaining words in your quickie limit, this reader would prefer a segue that explains. Same unsure feeling on the repeated line: He could smell fresh rain on her skin. Maybe a few less repeats, or use a variation on one or two? Again, just personal preference. Otherwise I enjoyed the descriptions and interactions.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.0)
A spouse showers the compliments only solemn and constant admiration can bring forth.

Your own perceptiveness must bring you the rich rewards you have noted here -- Lovely way to start and end the poem; passing into and turning from the daily light of the sun.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I saw this piece promoted, so I decided to read and review it. I was attracted to the title, Childhood's End 1972-1973. I know this as an Arthur C. Clarke novel title, but I appreciate the topic of friendship it covered instead. I would have been a similar age to the author during the year mentioned.

I noticed the word "raised" used in the first paragraph, where I believe the word "razed" was intended. This is the only technical error I noticed. The well fleshed out work tells a full-circle account of the author's memories of a first grade friend, and the simple pleasure of their interaction, even as illness robs one of the possibility of a fuller future.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review of Adventures Through Central Park 

The intro photo caught my eye. A young woman curled up around the Strawberry Fields iconic "IMAGINE." And the written piece explained how the intrepid author came to visit that Central Park spot. I admire when an author can give a straight-forward account of the proceedings, and without worrying about excess layering of descriptive information, leave the reader wanting to know more.

One typo I noticed in the first paragraph: "where I could be a Metro card;" I'm sure you meant "buy."


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Dawn Prayers  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.0)
The rhythm and subtle use of rhyme in the first two stanzas please me. The prayer of thanks that is the third stanza is more free-form, unless I am missing something in my own reading if it -- which of itself, is not bad; I just think I might have arranged the final stanza differently.

I like the overall intention and visuals brought out by focusing on down-to-earth ideas, yet with loftier word choice. The note on the robe name, "Chador" helped this reader at two levels. There is the basic explanation, and then, to additionally feed the visual idea that the grateful living person, arising from the bed/as tomb: "sleep's sepulcher," was also robed as if in death. The praiser will have another day to live and praise.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of The Song of Hope  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wonderful. I support this with all the birds perched upon my heart.
~bird
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Review of Goodbye!  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Sum1 !

I am reviewing the poem, Goodbye.

My favorite stanza in this short poem is the third. There's a particular part I like best: "Nothing more to give...have a life to live."

I've read a couple of your recent efforts. You like playing with arranging phrases, and I find it akin to the way songwriters make popular lyrics. Although the tone is a bit vengeful, I can see the fun in using so many foreign expressions for the phrase "Goodbye."

ALSO: Makes me wonder if you were trying to pair it with the earlier poem, Hello? ?


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Head or Tails  
Review by Walkinbird
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This is fun. The description of him ballooning into a pregnant state got lost in the middle with the use of the word taut; To me, taut is stretched, but also flat. I believed it had receeded back to normal... [taught is currently the word there, but I read it correctly].

I really think I like how quickly it all progresses. Due to the briefness of the encounter, it has that much more "What the...?" impact.
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Review by Walkinbird
Rated: E | (4.0)
Came across this helpful item -- a collection of four recipes -- with the possibility of more to be added and linked to a blog. I now wonder how many Writing.com members have created or have dabbled in creating cookbooks here? I hope to see more in this one, and also hope the author receives some quick support to keep her upgrade!

I have a vague understanding of why some create gluten free recipes, and the author helps by stating that these four recipes are "wheat free and mostly corn free too." The Blueberry Dijon Chicken caught my attention, but then my tastebuds are willing slaves to anything sweet mixed with mustard. I'm guessing my family would try Cake Batter Pancakes, and I'd have to try adding blueberries to that too. Recipes are great passages to collaborative efforts. This reviewer / eater thanks you for sharing!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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