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I appreciate that this author presents the poem in a large font. Interestingly, I first thought there was an allusion to Emily Dickinson, or at least my brain zeroed-in on "the thing" and immediately was tying it to "Hope is the thing with feathers," and unsure if that was consciously or unconsciously done. But even better, in the second half, I see the (Gollum) "in the dark" and marvel at my beloved Tolkien being called up in the same remarks on the topic of Greed.
As usual, for me, I always encourage another stanza or two -- it is quite good at this length. On the other hand, I always want any questions raised in a poem to be reflected with an answer of some kind.
Inner-Dimensional Elementals is a free verse poem created by intuey of House Lannister. I have decided to review it since the creator shared it in newsfeed, yet seemed unsure how it would be received... saying, it turned out "interesting." Challenge accepted.
I perceive no spelling nor grammatical errors. The poem flows nicely, and I found several statements caught my attention. Especially the heart of it, the actual center of the piece, where it states: "It all happens within your mind,
you give permission or deny." TRUTH. It has been categorized under the genres of Horror/Scary, Sci-Fi, and Supernatural. I did not find it fit either in Horror/Scary, nor Sci-Fi. Maybe that was related to the contest it is entered in, but that may be my bias as well. The ideas presented, in which outside energies may influence or change one's destiny, but mostly the power of thoughts creating your reality...well, I believe those things, so I do not find any of the ideas presented scary nor science fiction. But I get it -- categorization for practical or for entertainment purposes ...please, excuse my personal bias.
I would suggest an expansion of the character and actions of the beings inferred by the title if wanting to portray an intrusive creepiness. Or an interaction of opposed beings, or how the person being affected acts to resist or not.
It would also be interesting to present as a different shape (this seems to have a vertical waveform look right now); I'm thinking change the line placement to give it a more horizontal spread, like a woodland path, since that was the first image it created for me.
I like it enough to share with my daughter -- and the image with it is both sweet and spooky; part of why I think she'll approve.
This is intriguing, and the use of life energy, crystals and circuitry along with a world dynamic that casts creatures' fate for/against the wishes of their gods -- ambitious. Not clear to me yet from this prologue if the gods are active participants, or subconsciously the motivators of your characters' actions.
I am struggling slightly with suspension of disbelief that multiple cities have been excavated and are flying within only two years time -- maybe I do not understand this planet's time reckoning, or the efficiency or scope of the crews accomplishing this. From the descriptions given, I would think just excavation would take twice this time.
I proofread just one possible error. In an early paragraph when Chorlan and Talak are first speaking, there is a sentence that ends, "as quickly." I think instead it is meant to be just "quickly" or "as quickly as possible."
Welcome to Writing.com -- your first day here! May it be the first of many, and I wish for you many good friends as well.
I have read both of your items and decided to review this one. Reading and reviewing what you find here is just as important, maybe even more important, than waiting to find out what others think of what you place in your own portfolio.
I looked up the form of the poem, since you mentioned the Pantoum was a specific type you like. I prefer the longer form, Villanesque. But that doesn't mean I have an encyclopaedic knowledge of all the possible poetic forms. I understand the appeal of the cadence. The repeating of lines helps communicate a theme. This poem shares your personal desires to communicate, and build on that communication to gain a type of freedom.
The reason I think you could attempt the longer form (maybe as a second version) is to let your what your thoughts are leading to be more fully expressed. It is hard for a reader to read a line about sharing secrets, but not have any more poem given to delve into that. A longer poem could have the advantage of being a bit freeform, or stay with the pattern of swapping 1st and 3rd lines into the next stanza's 2nd and 4th.
If you were trying to italicize (I see an end phrase of code for italics at the very end) then you need to add the in front of the word you wanted to make in italics.
"Problems blowing up left and right" works the best in my opinion with your repeated line, "Distractions are my priority." Maybe you could think about that cage line in the first stanza -- could the jail break also be accomplished by explosion? Will an explosion of creativity be the way out?
You requested reviews for your superhero fantasy short story, The Good Shepherd. I understand that you are starting mid-action, but I believe a short amount of context description to start will establish some important points. The one's I could've used-- That Thomas was flying, (over Earth), in pursuit, going to get flowers for his girlfriend...something. Something, almost anything to establish the setting. Despite the rating of the piece, I was surprised to have a a good guy use a word like "bastard." Maybe I'm just sensitive from being more of a Spidey and Superman kind of life-long comic book reader? And his girl also calls the villain an "asshole" (albeit, in his mind, so was it really her or was it him?). I have a lot more tolerance for that in a character that is an everyman JUST turned super. Much like Bruce Willis' guy in Unbreakable. He still acts normal due to having few experiences/public interactions to change his habits. Yet with as much of an established presence as a super that has a suit with a cape...I'm skeptical.
Same type of concerns with the ultimate fate of the girlfriend.
Your language usage and grammar is accurate. I feel your dialogue is tight. I do also feel there can be more description rather than using dialog to establish everything. Main difference between writing it as a script, and writing it as a story. As an example: “I knew where you’d be when faced with this choice.” -- that doesn't really fit with what you described as the requirements of the powers... instead it seems more likely the villain would've lured the hero to a large open space near a forest to have him far from people. While the situation shows that, you have the villain tell him something different, and essentially useless. The villain should be getting under the hero's skin for falling for the trick, not just, **poof** I am here and you are powerless because I had an eye on your power source's fuel gauge.
Overall, strong presentation and impact of the story, just more needs to be built up around it.
This is very lyrical, and the sound of its rhythm is pleasant. There is good symmetry. I can see all the visual aspects of it as well as imagine it being spoken aloud on stage, perhaps even shouted at points. "playing the sky like a harp" is my favorite line. It is much stronger than the lines in the same position in the other stanzas -- I say that because I feel those other lines are timeworn.
When posting, you may have inadvertently allowed a misspelling (on line 4) the word "soaring."
I can visualize from your description how a special someone would be able to shelter one from cold, and how enduring the memory of such an embrace would be. So, my favorite stanza of this poem is that description which begins, And I can remember.... By referencing the unicorn and the rainbow both at the beginning and at the end, it also connects to the symbol of strength and protection in heraldry, not just a lighthearted fairytale image. I also like the rhythm of the poem, especially where the beat count is repetitive.
An swift period drama set in the virtual locale we call WDC. MysteryWoman2018 is the protagonist, and typical of a ghost story, the antagonist is unknown or indistinct. My goal to be helpful for polishing the piece. I am a proofreader first, so let's look at clarity and style. I found a few typos, just missing letters from typing errors, skipped words, or misplaced caps, as I see... An early example: "She smiled as _he started looking around at her fellow WDCers." I noticed that a choice seems to have been made for every character/username: the name is without spacing. "The Mystic Warrior" appears once, but seems to be the only username that has spaces. For continuity, the author may want to change that one to follow the style of the others. I do think highlighting the Birthday week as a function of the story structure is clever, but I also think it is under utilized for the length of story the piece is currently. Maybe the author plans on fleshing it out with more comings and goings? There is a point moving to day four, when it is flowing directly from one moment to the next, yet all the other instances hint at passage of a greater amount of time. On the smart side, the action runs like a scripted TV drama, so nothing extraneous slows the action. Yet, the question remains, is this best as a short situation piece, or could it develop into something more haunting and in depth with more description and character development?
Fun introduction -- could be voiced by the movie trailer guy, am I right? You have a talent for succinct yet idiosyncratic situation description. And urban fantasy, well... of course, all the rage. Maybe a first in literature with the cel phone possessed. You might want to get just a bit more pithy in the last line, so it hooks stronger than just, the most evil anything. Give that monster a job description as well.
A not particularly random donation, but certainly for a great cause and given with kindness. True thanks due to Samberine Everose and The Hunter Games gameboard challenge
This is a review in celebration of your membership anniversary.
I have selected to review your non-fiction piece, an article, about the encompassing development of what we now celebrate in America as the Thanksgiving holiday.
I found no grammatical errors or any further structural points to improve upon, therefore, I will speak on my enjoyment of the whole.
I appreciate that your article addresses early civilizations' founding and practice of sharing gratitude through group fellowship which would make the foundation in all of human experience for the development and acceptance of Thanksgiving as an American national holiday. Of course that progressive action also is the foundation for other nation's and religion's similar observances.
It is a fact-filled piece. Always a delight to discover one or more additional details a reader may not have previously know in the reading of a topical article. Another excellent point equates the growth of colonist population for the strife that would follow. In need of a symbol of hope and finding ways to pull together family members at the cusp of America's Civil War. it is not surprising that President Lincoln was convinced to establish the national holiday. I would be interesting to know how or if the editor, Ms. Buell Hale received future acknowledment for her part?
If you still have a strong interest in perspectives on the Thanksgiving holiday, I have a poem in my portfolio you may not have seen:
Oh how I wish this piece were expanded. This would be very good as a lead in to a whole story or novel. I found this piece from your WDC portfolio in your collection said to have been created in Alaska. And I would have to research to know more, but I intuit that a gum tree is a tropical tree...so it also leads me to wonder where the images of tropical trees come to an author looking out a window on Alaska? You see how I see more potential for this?
Its free-form format makes it folksy and believable as the way a parent might start a bedtime story. For myself, this would become top-shelf with two alterations. I would stick to one phrasing for describing the preferred wish-giving tree rather than two (although it is just the difference of the title): Sweet Gummy, sweet-gum, (I prefer sweet-gum). And it could also become precious with some form of rhyme scheme. I am immediately attracted to the rhthm in the first two lines: (3-4-5) da-da-da, da-da-da-da, da-da-da-da-da, and it would be lovely to feel that beat throughout the remainder. This is just my own preference, and I do not mean to diminsh your own creative presentation.
My favorite idea presented in the poem is how a wish (buried) "too deep, (is) hard to understand." Seems to me an excellent allgory for any writer. How easy it is to hide (bury) meaning.
I am appreciate of your work on this, and I look forward to searching through more of your pieces.
I read this as an argumentative essay – if it is for an assignment, it sounds like you agree that technology has too much power over daily life activities. Good, catchy start, but I could suggest that you state your overall opinion that will be presented in the essay in a first sentence, to go ahead of the one you have written. And then, at the end, I think you need to develop a longer, or more complete ending than just: "That's why humans have been really dependent on technology." [Maybe a reworked form of this sentence needs to be that first sentence which I suggest is needed, putting forward your overall position?]
I like this first sentence from your third paragraph: "It's true that technology was created to benefit us and make our life easier but there's a difference between helping us and taking over our lives." You leave an argument hanging here: "We must be prepared for what comes after the age of technology." Give some description of what comes after this age…. As a reader, the suggestion I can give would be to give some positive alternatives for how technology could be used better. The idea that kids do not use a dictionary because of Google ignores the fact that a student can use an available variety of web-based dictionaries, as well as, translation services. Students (everyone) can become better users of technology by being discerning (a good word to look up in a dictionary).
At Writing dot com, you will learn there are ways to format using a coding called Writing ML (like formatting a web page’s look with HTML) Even just the space between paragraphs would be of help to a reader. You have some near-words in a few places that should be corrected: in the fourth and sixth paragraph you have “there," which should be changed to “their,” and in the fifth paragraph the word “fine” needs to be “find.” Correct this abbreviation: instead of ECT. (does not need to be in all caps and letters transposed), replace with: “etc.”
I hope you have found this first review of help to you. As we try our best to be helpful neighbors as members of this site, I hope your enjoyment of writing and reading continues to grow over the Summer.
This is a thought-provoking rumination and stream-of-consciousness recollection of how the processing of photographs made them more valuable in family dynamics. No mention of the 12, 24, or at most, 36 frames one might have available on that one roll of film. It would make stronger your contention that it's bad that today's cel phone photographers shoot "dozens and dozens of pictures." One typo I noticed: should be a film roll rather than "role."
What I would love to see, Harry, is if a younger member of the WDC community wrote a bookend companion to your free-form poem with a perception of the value of photographs from someone who has the Tech Age experience as his or her only experience. Wouldn't that be interesting.
This poem uses few words to fully embody a snapshot moment of murderous paranoia. I can appreciate the raw imagery; by keeping the lines short, the picture is stark, but has clarity of action that doesn't get lost in metaphor.
The rhythm might be improved by being selective in the number of syllables and stresses in the words used. Yet there is no denying that it has strong presentation as is.
Your title is most inviting to the reader. You asked for some honest reflection on your trying a "love poem," something you do not usually try. In structure, I think it is very good. To give a more deeply felt experience, I suggest a few changes in word choice where more visual, or active words could be used. As an example, "my person," does not make me think of a lover, it comes off distant -- and first made me think of how a pet (a cat) might speak of their "person."
An awkward/antiquated word like, "thus" used in the phrase: "thus is my crutch" also should be avoided. I can offer this advice because when I was working on my poetic voice, I often would use older, romance era terms, and that made my poetry and prose more difficult for modern readers. It takes time to express in a way that communicates best to a readership.
This is a reassuring poem to help everyone enter into a discussion about non-binary gender expression. I recognize the feelings and the buzz words. As the topic is so very important to so many trying to express themselves authentically, I believe it is perfect for it to blossom in artistic expression here.
The structure of the poem is rhythmically sound, (although I personally would trim down the metrical feet in the last line of stanza four). I especially like the final stanza, as it addresses the reader directly and in a mentoring compassionate way.
A spouse showers the compliments only solemn and constant admiration can bring forth.
Your own perceptiveness must bring you the rich rewards you have noted here -- Lovely way to start and end the poem; passing into and turning from the daily light of the sun.
The intro photo caught my eye. A young woman curled up around the Strawberry Fields iconic "IMAGINE." And the written piece explained how the intrepid author came to visit that Central Park spot. I admire when an author can give a straight-forward account of the proceedings, and without worrying about excess layering of descriptive information, leave the reader wanting to know more.
One typo I noticed in the first paragraph: "where I could be a Metro card;" I'm sure you meant "buy."
The rhythm and subtle use of rhyme in the first two stanzas please me. The prayer of thanks that is the third stanza is more free-form, unless I am missing something in my own reading if it -- which of itself, is not bad; I just think I might have arranged the final stanza differently.
I like the overall intention and visuals brought out by focusing on down-to-earth ideas, yet with loftier word choice. The note on the robe name, "Chador" helped this reader at two levels. There is the basic explanation, and then, to additionally feed the visual idea that the grateful living person, arising from the bed/as tomb: "sleep's sepulcher," was also robed as if in death. The praiser will have another day to live and praise.
My favorite stanza in this short poem is the third. There's a particular part I like best: "Nothing more to give...have a life to live."
I've read a couple of your recent efforts. You like playing with arranging phrases, and I find it akin to the way songwriters make popular lyrics. Although the tone is a bit vengeful, I can see the fun in using so many foreign expressions for the phrase "Goodbye."
ALSO: Makes me wonder if you were trying to pair it with the earlier poem, Hello??
This is fun. The description of him ballooning into a pregnant state got lost in the middle with the use of the word taut; To me, taut is stretched, but also flat. I believed it had receeded back to normal... [taught is currently the word there, but I read it correctly].
I really think I like how quickly it all progresses. Due to the briefness of the encounter, it has that much more "What the...?" impact.
Came across this helpful item -- a collection of four recipes -- with the possibility of more to be added and linked to a blog. I now wonder how many Writing.com members have created or have dabbled in creating cookbooks here? I hope to see more in this one, and also hope the author receives some quick support to keep her upgrade!
I have a vague understanding of why some create gluten free recipes, and the author helps by stating that these four recipes are "wheat free and mostly corn free too." The Blueberry Dijon Chicken caught my attention, but then my tastebuds are willing slaves to anything sweet mixed with mustard. I'm guessing my family would try Cake Batter Pancakes, and I'd have to try adding blueberries to that too. Recipes are great passages to collaborative efforts. This reviewer / eater thanks you for sharing!
A unique piece to read at the new year -- has the stripped down, and so, elegant, appeal of an old Twilight Zone episode. At under 3000 words, this story provides the right amount of backstory and description for the present environment. I appreciate that there is a realistic level of physical action infused in the piece to describe drunkedness and the toll of heavy smoking. There is a hint of paranoia, and a centrally placed reference to the title that, whether consciously or not, placates the reader until the twist ending.
Since I noticed some errors that a Spell Check would miss, I'm glad to bring them to your attention. It helps your readers to enjoy without having to ask themselves if they read something right or not.
"pealed off" should be peeled off
"stories circulating among my other students" needs to be rewritten for clarity, perhaps removing "my other."
"Then, miraculously it was Frank, but his opponent that was shown to the door." Add missing "not" before Frank.
"I passed out at the feet of my opponent, with taking a single punch." Change "with" to without.
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
Challenge accepted.
You see how I see more potential for this?